(GIRLS LAUGHING)
Wanna hearRuby's joke?
Sure.
Okay. So, there's thisalligator and this bird,
and the bird poopson an alligator.
And they talk about poopwhen wiping bird poop off.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING)Oh, you get it?
I love that.
That's really funny.
Okay, they're gone.
Ugh.
(INAUDIBLE)
JIM: Oh, baby!
...and the matador,bleeding from his shoulder,
presented mewith a single rose.
That's Spain.
Wow.
Mommy, your cousingoes everywhere.
Yes, and then we getto hear all about it.
Mindy, more pasta?
Oh, no, thank you.I'm watching my figure.
I'm getting marriedin a few months.
Yes, we know. In Bali.
With yoursoul mate, Eric.
Oh, you know, Eric and Iwent on a cooking tourof Italy's Ligurian coast,
and we madea sauce like this,but with truffles.
(STAMMERING) Well,I used to make thesauce with truffles,
but we got so tiredof it after a while.
Yeah, so we'resticking to the kindin the jar for now.
You know, I'll haveto send you my recipe.
Of course,I'll have to translate itfrom the original Italian.
Mindy, did you know thatCheryl speaks fluent French?
Oh. (SPEAKING FRENCH)
In fact, Jim and Iwere just talkingabout going to France.
Weren't we, Jim?
Uh... No.
But I likeFrench things.
French fries, toast.
Oh, and that little skunkwho's always tryingto kiss that cat.
Pepe Le Pew.
(LAUGHING)
(STAMMERING)The point isthat we travel.
We travel extensively.
Which is a good thingto talk about overdivorce...dessert.
Homemade Bavarianapple strudel.
Yes.
Which Cheryl discoveredon her travels
to the marketdown the street.
Daddy can't paywith checks there.
Oh. That was a mistake.
I thought they weregoing out of business.
I'm gonna gohelp Cheryl.Excuse me.
So, Osaka, Japan.
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
Who can guesswhat that means?
I'd liketo k*ll myself.
(CHUCKLES) Silly. No.
No. I'd liketo k*ll myself.
(IMITATING MINDY)"Oh, I travel placesyou'll never go,
"and, look, here'smy engagement ringfrom Eric.
"It's flawless,just like me."
Cheryl, what's this crapabout us going to France?
You know the deal.If you want togo to Europe...
I am not making outwith the pretzel girlfrom the mall.
Madagascar.
I hate her.
Strudel looks great.
(IMITATING MINDY)"Oh, you know, I'm gettingmarried in a few months.
"I got towatch my figure."
I should put bacon fatin her coffee.
Cheryl, don'tgive that away.
That is liquid gold.
Why do you letyour Cousin Mindyget to you?
Jim, you don't knowwhat it's like.
Mindy's notthe perfect person
you've been comparedto your whole life.
Cheryl, we allhave our Mike Ditkas.
Come on.
When we were little,if I got an A,she got an A-plus.
I won the districtchampionship in tennis,she won state.
I had a cute boyfriend,she had a cuter one.
Well, you wonthe last one.
Oh.
You want me to takemy shirt off in thereso you can brag?
Huh? I'll do it.
Just give mesome kind of cue.
Like, say "pickle"or something.
I'll make itgo smooth.
Yeah, yeah. I get it.You've been to Venice.
Well, tomorrow,I am jetting downto Florida.
To help my mommove into a new condo.
Driving a rented truck.
Hey, whereare the girls?
They're watching a DVDin the back seat of my SUV.
Apparently, they'venever seen anythinglike that before.
JIM: Oh.
I'm gonna step outside.
Do you wanta wedgie? Sure.
Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey.
JIM: Sit down. Sit down.
Um, did I tell you?
Eric's photographyis really catching on.
It's just a hobby,but several galleriesare interested.
Oh. Jim's bandis doing great, too.
They're playing gigsall over town.
I'm Eric's muse.
Most of his shotsare of me.
I'm the lead singerin Jim's band.
What?
Yeah, it'sa lot of fun.
Right, Jim?
Cheryl... Pickle. Pickle.
Is it hot in here?Jeez.
Boy, I'm gladyou said it, buddy.
Hey, Cheryl.Don't do the dishes.I'll do them tonight.
Really? No.
I just made that up tomake myself look better. Oh.
Gee, I wonderwhere I learnedthat little trick.
Oh, from my leadsinger in the band!
So I embellisheda little bit.
Everybody does it.It's harmless.
Is it?
Or is it just a slowdescent into hell?
Honey, what's it gonna belike keeping track of allyour embellishments?
Lies building on lies.
You're ona pretty high horse
for someone who liesas often as you do.
Cheryl, when I lie,I have legitimate reasons.
I either want somethingor want to get outof something.
But I would never lieto make myself look better
in front of someonelike Mindy,
who, by the way,hit on me.
What?
I'm just sayingwhen I took offmy shirt,
she was the only onethat didn't turn her head.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Yello.
Oh, hi, Mindy. Yeah.
Really?
Are you sure?
Of course, my bandwould love to playfor your engagement party.
Yes, Cheryl will sing,'cause she's in the band.
Terrific. Fantastic.Thank you.
Keep your headand hands in the car
on your slowdescent into hell.
No.
No, no, no.I'm not singing atthat party. No way.
Then maybe you shouldjust call Mindy backand tell her why.
(SIGHS) I can't.
She'll spread it throughthe family like a virus.
I'll be a laughingstock.
Can you imagine? Me.
Dana and Andy arein my family, and I'llbe the laughingstock.
All right.I guess I'll see youat rehearsal tomorrow.
:. Oh.
And the new guyalways brings the beer.
And also we havea standing tradition
that the new guyhas to eat amarshmallow out of...
You just bring the beer.
Hey, John, how wasthat date last night?
Oh, smokin', man.
She had anincredible set of...
China.
Oh. Was it Wedgwood?
Uh, actually,I think it was bone.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Bone...
I don't get it.
He nailed a girlwith big knockers.Cookie?
All right, Cheryl.
You sureyou want to do this?
I mean, you're not reallya professional singer, honey.
One phone callto Mindy and youcan be out of this.
No, no. I'd ratherface an audiencethan face Mindy.
Besides, I sing in churchand I've never gottenany complaints.
(CHUCKLING) All right.Your call, baby.
All right, Stormy Monday,guys.
Tony, take it up. One, two, three...
(BAND MUSIC PLAYING)
Okay, you know what?Wait, wait, wait.
You know what?I feel likesomething's off.
What do you thinkit is, Yoko?
You knowwhat I think it is?
I think it's the tempo.I think you guysare too slow.
I think we pick it up.
One, two,one, two, three, four.
(CHERYL SINGING BABY, PLEASE DON'T GO)
Not only has she ruinedthat song for me,
she's also ruinedNew Orleans.
Yeah.
Are you reallygonna let Cheryl singat the party tonight?
Andy, womenare like children.
They don't learn theirlessons until they seethe error of their ways.
What about men?
Oh, we gotto go to jail.
CHERYL: One more time! (GROANS)
Cheryl!
Cheryl. CHERYL: Yeah?
Uh, why don't you saveyour voice for the show?
CHERYL: Oh, good idea.
Great idea.
Oh, all right.
Let's get this stupidparty over with.
A couple of daysin Florida, and Iofficially hate my life.
Hangin' out with Momwill do that to you.
"Why is a girl as prettyas you not married?Are you gay?"
I wear one flannel shirt,
and she triedto set me up withher waxing lady.
And then she wenton and on about how greatMindy's wedding's gonna be
and how successfulher record-producerfiance is.
You know what? I'm gladI tore the labelsoff her medicines.
Mindy's fianceis a record producer?
Yeah, at, like,Crocodile Recordsor something.
Crocodile Records?They do all the blues guys.
Andy, if he hears us,and we're good,
we may have a shotat a recording deal.
Wow. Hey, forthe album cover,let's get in a field,
strip down totallynaked with daisiescovering our business.
All we have to dois kick ass tonight.
BOTH: Cheryl!
We can't let her sing.
(LAUGHS) Cheryl sing? Where?
At the engagement party.With our band.
Okay, why would you do that?Cheryl's totally tone-deaf.
No kidding.
Haven't heard any dogsin the neighborhoodlately, have you?
We've got to tell her.
She's gonna be so upset.
You do it.You're the husband.
Come on, you're blood.I just sleep with her.
Come on, Jim.
What's more important,Cheryl's happiness
or our million-to-one shotat a record deal?
Hey.
Did you guyshear me up there?
Yeah. I was kickin'.
Sweetie, sweetie.I know you love singing.
I do, I do.I really do.
These last few daysrehearsing with you guyshave been amazing.
I totally getwhy you love itso much.
So, let'sgo to that partyand rock the house!
Whoo!
I'll tell herin the car!
Well, do it early.I prefer her cryingto her singing.
So, Dana.
The waxing lady.How did it go?
Dinner and a movie,no big deal.
Look at you.
Who knew thatthe little girlwith the stammer
would end up tobe the lead singerin a band?
Oh. Look at you.
The bed-wetter,all engaged.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Okay, then.I'm mingling.
Okay.
I thought youwere going to tellCheryl in the car.
She wasfeeling too good.
Really, it's nota good time to do it.
How about when youtold her to pump gas?
Hey, you bettertell her quick.
We're aboutto show our stuff tothe record producer.
All right! Fine!
Big wheel keep on turning.Proud Mary keep on burning.
Rolling, rolling,rolling on a river.
Doot, doot, doot, doot.Doot, doot, doot, doot.
Doot, doot, doot, doot,doot, doot, doot, doot.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
How you doin'? I am pumped.
You better beon your toes up there,because I might throw in
a couple of extra dootsif I'm feeling it.
Cheryl,I love you so much.
Aw. I really do.
And because I love youso much, I've gottatell you something.
What?
Cheryl, you don'tsing very well.
I don't knowwhat you're doing,but it's not singing.
(STAMMERING)Oh, I know what this is.
What?
This is one ofthose band things
where you rag each other,but you don't really mean it.
Well, right back at you.
You are a crappyharmonica player.
(LAUGHS) Zing!
Cheryl, I didn't wantto have to do this,
but this is a tape ofthe rehearsal yesterday.
Oh!
(CHERYL SINGING STORMY MONDAY)
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.Is that really me?
Well, it's notBillie Holiday.
I suck.
Well, kind of.
How come nobodyever told me?
I'm sure peopletried to tell you.
I'm sure they did,
but just likethe right notesin the song,
you didn't hear it.
Oh, God,I am so embarrassed.
Wait a minute.
I've been rehearsingwith you guys all week,
and you waittill now to tell me?
Well, I wastrying to teach you
a little lessonabout embellishment,
but I just couldn'tget through it.
Why?
Cheryl,I'm too terrific.
No.
Why?
I found outthat Mindy's fianceis a record producer.
I'm doing itfor the band, Cheryl.
And for you, too.
You wantto live in those ragsthe rest of your life?
Don't you wantsome new clothes?
I don't believe you.
You set out to makeme look like a fool,
and then you're lookinglike you're saving me
to save yourselffrom looking like a fool.
And you mademe pump gas!
Cheryl, I cannot help itif the gas t*nk is onthe passenger side.
Blame Japan for that.
Jim, Cheryl.
This is the Mr. and Mrs.Thaddeus Dempseys.
Hello. CHERYL: Hi.
Hi. How are you?
The whole party is abuzzabout your group.
Oh, yeah, um...
I'm not gonna besinging with the guys.
Oh, shock! Why?
Are we havinga little stage fright?
That's what knocked youout of the districtdebate finals.
I won.
(CLEARS THROAT)
You know what it is?I've got a little bitof a scratchy throat,
and we're opening upfor a huge bluesband next week.
Really, who?
Um, BlindSlim Fats Junior.
I thinkI've heard them.
Yes, well, I am nowin an eternal funkabout you not singing.
Oh, look, it'sthe Mr. And Mrs.Jerry Sinclairs.
Come, Dempseys,let's meet.
Nice meeting you. Yes, you, too.
Cheryl, whatare you doing?
You're embellishing again.
I'm not gonna tellher the truth now.It'll be too embarrassing.
So what ifit's embarrassing?
Who cares whatother people think?
I'm not afraid to makea fool out of myself.
I know I'm noMick Jagger, but I'mhaving a ball up there.
Well, that's true.
You're no Mick Jagger.
Cheryl, your whole lifeyou've been trying tomeasure up to Mindy.
I mean,you are, like, a milliontimes better than her.
Aren't yougetting tired of it?
MINDY: Okay, everybody.Settle down.
Bride-to-be talking now.
It's inspiring tosee so many happycouples out there.
The Simons,the Drakes,the Johnstons,
my single cousinsDana and Andy.
It's gonna happenfor you. I promise.
Dana, Dana, Dana.Save it for group.
Enough of me.
Who's ready to gettheir boogie on?
Let's welcome Cousin Jimand the guys.
Well, that's not ourname, but thank you.
Mindy?
Hi, uh...
(STAMMERING) I don't actuallyhave a scratchy throat.I'm perfectly healthy.
I'm just bad.
I can't sing.
And I'm notgoing to France,
I've nevermade anythingout of truffles,
and that Bavarianapple strudel?
Apple piefrom a box.
You win.
Oh, goody.
I win! I win!
Eric, come here,I have somethingwonderful to tell you.
JIM: Ladiesand gentlemen,
first of all,we'd like to dedicatethis first song
to Mindy, the bride-to-be,and to her fiance Eric,
who just happensto be a record producer,
and we just happento be a band.
A record producer?
(CHUCKLING)I'm an accountantat Crocodile Records.
(PEOPLE GASP)
Mindy, what have youbeen telling people?
Oh, God,I'm so embarrassed.
No, no, Mindy,you know what?Seriously,
this is nothing tobe embarrassed about.
You want to see somethingembarrassing, watch this.
What are you doing?
I'm gonnado the one thingMindy can't do.
I'm gonna have fun.
(BAND PLAYS SLOW MUSIC)
Ladies and gentlemen,I'd like to welcometo the stage
someone you're never,ever gonna forgetafter tonight.
She is gorgeous,she is kind,
she's mine, all mine.
Please welcome,from Chicago, Illinois,
in her full glory,Cheryl, my wife.
(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)
Thank you.
We have a little song herewe'd like to send out
to all the accountantsout there.
This is a song we normallylike to do nice and easy.
Real nice and easy.
But tonight,I'm thinking we'regonna do this song rough.
Real rough.
All right, guys.Kick it.
(CHERYL SINGING PROUD MARY [/span]OFFKEY)