02x07 - Martha and the Canine Caper / Perfectly Martha

[bunniefuu]

* Martha was an average dog

* She went... and... and...
(barking, growls)

* When she ate
some alphabet soup *

* Then what happened
was bizarre... *

On the way to Martha's stomach,
the letters lost their way.

They traveled to her brain
and now...

* She's got a lot to say

* Now she speaks...

How now, brown cow?

* Martha speaks, yeah,
she speaks and speaks *

* And speaks and speaks
and speaks... *

What's a caboose?

When are we eating again?

* Martha speaks...

Hey, Joe, what do you know?

My name's not Joe.

* She's not always right,
but still that Martha speaks. *

Hi, there!

* She's got a voice,
she's ready to shout *

* Martha will tell you
what it's all about *

* Sometimes wrong
but seldom in doubt *

* Martha will tell you
what it's all about *

* That dog's unique...

Testing, one, two!

* Hear her speak

* Martha speaks and speaks

* And speaks and speaks
and... *

* Communicates, enumerates

* Elucidates, exaggerates

* Indicates and explicates,
bloviates and overtakes and... *

(panting)

* ...hyperventilates!

* Martha, to reiterate...

Martha speaks!
* Martha speaks.

HELEN:
Prisoner number ,

(flashbulb popping)
Martha.

I'm innocent!

You've got the wrong dog.

I'm not to blame--

which is one of the words
in today's show

and means that
I didn't do anything wrong.

Some of the other words
are "lie,"

"disobedient" and "misbehave."

See if you can spot them.

I'm innocent!

Yes, I did eat
that turkey leg.

I thought they were
finished with it.

(barking)

It's a bum rap!

Well, good afternoon,
Mrs. Popolink.

Oh, thank you, Karl--
you're such a sweetie.

(dogs barking)

Away from that beef!

(excited shouting)

Get away from that beef!

(grunting)

KARL:
Get out of here,
you scroungy mongrels!

And stay out!

Those three strays
have been hanging around
for the past few days,

but usually they just sit
outside and fog up the window.

Oh, the times we live in.

So, I need six knockwursts,

three pounds of...

(panting, whining)
MARTHA:
Excuse me. Pardon me.

Special delivery for Karl
coming through.

Ah, Martha!
Now, here's an honest dog.

Sorry about the drool.

KARL (chuckles):
Oh, don't worry about it.

A little drool
never hurt anyone.

Now, for being such
a good delivery dog,

how about a
little brisket?

Mmm! Mmm!

Oh, Karl, I suspect
this might be your
best creation ever!

Then again, last week's
pastrami was also very good.

Do you have any of
that lying around?

W-We could do
a taste test.

(chuckles):
Sorry, Martha.

We'll just have
to call it a tie.

See you, Martha!
Thanks again!

Anytime, Karl!

(Martha humming a tune)

(birds chirping, Martha snoring)

(barking nearby)
(gasps):
Who's there?

Oh, hey, you three were outside
the butcher shop earlier.

to the neighborhood?
(sniffing)

You don't smell familiar.

(barking)

You're friends of Karl
in town for his birthday?

I didn't know Karl
had a birthday coming up.

How old is he?

(barking)

Six? Is that all?

Gosh, he looks old for six.

Wait, that's in human years.

(laughs):
I keep forgetting.

(barking)

(barking)

You're throwing him
a super-secret surprise party?

Of course I'd like to help out.

Uh, what can I do?

(rings)

Hello. Karl's Meats.
Karl speaking.

At : precisely,
you are to go

to Elderberry Street.

Tell no one.
What? Who is this?

A friend.

But what's at
Elderberry Street?

That's all the way
across town.

I can't tell you,

but let's just say you'll
be very glad you went.

(laughs):
Karl doesn't suspect a thing!

I can't wait
to see his expression

when everybody jumps out
and yells "surprise!"

Oh, he's going to be so happy!

Are you sure this
is Elderberry Street?

Of course I'm sure.

I know the address of
my own store, don't I?

Now, do you want to buy
a vacuum or don't you?

Uh...

(snoring)

Huh? Who's there?

Oh! It's you guys.

Hold on. I'll meet you
'round the back.

I tried to go to
Karl's surprise party

but no one was there.

And it was a vacuum
cleaner store.

Did I get the
address wrong?

Wait. Where are
you going?

What's this?

(barking)

My "share"?

My share of what?

Karl has some strange friends.

I guess these must be
a few party favors.

Wow.

That was some party I missed.

(groaning)

Oh, my belly hurts.

I'm being punished
for not stopping

after the second T-bone.

(grunting)

Morning, everyone.

"Police are asking anybody

"with information
about the crime

to call this
toll-free number."

(laughing)

That's just terrible.

Who would want to
hurt such a nice man?

What happened?

Karl was robbed
yesterday.

(gasps) No!

Yup. He got a
strange call

telling him to go to a
vacuum cleaner store,

and while he was out,

the robbers got
inside his shop.

A strange call?
Yeah,

and get this-- they
didn't even take any money,

just pounds
of raw meat.

MOM:
It doesn't
make any sense.

Who would possibly
want all that meat?

DAD:ps)
What's wrong, Martha?

You seem distressed.

Who? Me? Distressed?

Uh, I-I'm not distressed.

What makes you
think I'm distressed?

Well, because you
look distressed.

You know, like something
has really upset you,

and you've hardly
touched your soup.

(gulps)

Oh. I guess I'm not that hungry

because I ate
so much last night.

I mean, no more than normal.

But it was a lot...
of dog food.

And soup, too.

Heh. Yessiree, just delicious
ol' dog food and soup.

Ha-ha. I'll be right back.

There's something I have to do.

"Party favors."

I should have suspected
something was up.

If the police find these bones,

they might think I robbed Karl.

I could go to jail.

So you see,

I'm getting blamed
for the crime, but I'm innocent.

Then why are you here?

Because getting blamed
means people think I did it,

even though I didn't.
(door opens)

There's Helen.
She'll explain it to you.

Tell Bonnie how I
didn't do the crime

and therefore I shouldn't
be blamed for it.

I wish I could, Martha,
but what about the bones?

They found them

all over our yard.

Okay, I confess.
I ate those steaks.

You can't blame me for
that, but I didn't steal them.

Don't you believe me?

I don't know what
to believe anymore, Martha.

Here. I brought you

a squeaky toy.

Helen!

Come back!

I'm not to blame!

I didn't rob Karl.

Honest, I didn't.

(squeaking)

(gasps)

I better conceal the evidence.

(panting)

There. Now no one
can connect me to the crime.

HELEN:
Come on, Martha.

Let's go visit Karl.

Karl? W-W-Why do you want
to go visit Karl?

Because he's probably
really upset

and we should cheer him up.

Well, we could
send him a cake.

I think visiting him
would be nicer.

Are you sure?

If it were me,
I'd rather have the cake.

Come on, Martha, let's go.

(whimpers)

KARL:
And when I returned,

the door was propped
open with this stick.

Why would they do that?

It was unlocked.

They could have just
used the handle.

HELEN:
Weird.

(sniffs) Hey, is that
brisket I smell?

I bet it's even better
than the last one.

Let's have a taste test.

Sorry, Martha.

What with the robbery,
I can't really afford

to give out any free samples.

If only I could identify
that voice on the phone.

It sounded so familiar.

I feel like I've heard
it recently.

(gulps)

Very recently.

Well, if there's anything
we can do to help, Karl,

just let us know.

Right, Martha?

(clearing throat)

Woof.

"Woof"? What do
you mean, "woof"?

Did you hurt your
voice, Martha?

Woof, woof, woof.

She didn't eat much
alphabet soup

this morning,
but usually her voice

doesn't go
all at once like that.

We better get you
home, Martha.

You might be getting sick.

(sighs)

I'm going to make you
some more soup, okay?

I'll call you when it's ready.

This is terrible.

Now I'm hiding things
from Helen.

Oh, well, at least Karl
didn't suspect any...

(gasps)

Skits!
What are you doing!

You can't have these!
I'm concealing them!

(inquisitive bark)

"Conceal." It means to hide.

And don't ask why
I'm concealing them,

because I can't tell you.

(growling)

Skits, if I get any more meat...
I promise you can have it.

Now, let go.

(grunts)

(Skits barks)

I know--
a promise is a promise.

(snoring)

(creaking)

Huh? Huh? Who's there?

You three!
I should have known.

If you know what's good for you,

you'll go to the police
right now and confess.

(barking)

Oh, uh, "confess"?

It means to tell someone
that you did something wrong--

like stealing from Karl!

(all laughing)

(barking)

(barking)

You want me to call the pizzeria
tomorrow at : ?

(barking)

You want me to tell Mario
that his house is on fire?

No, I won't do it!

I don't care
if you pay me a salami!

I'm not eating this.

Just watch me

not eating this salami.

That's some salami.

So chewy, salty...

No, Martha! Bad dog!

That's it!

I can't take it any longer!

I'll confess everything
to Helen!

I don't care what
punishment I get.

Oh, wait-- I should
probably bring the salami

as evidence. Aah!

Skits!

(chomping)

(spits)

What are you doing?!

(barking)

I know I promised, but...

(Helen yawns)

What's going on out there?

Is everything all right?

Um...

well...

(sighs):
Oh...

(sighs)

(rings)

Y'ello. Mario's Pizza.

Mario speaking.

What? My house is on fire?

Mamma mia!

(doorbell dings)

Drop that pepperoni!
Ha!

"Canine Crew Nabbed
in Italian Job."

And it's all because
of you, Martha.

If you hadn't confessed
to Helen,

they would never
have been caught.

I don't know.

I still feel bad
for eating those steaks.

It wasn't your fault.

You didn't know
they were stolen.

But I should have
suspected something.

Even if the party had been
for Courageous Collie Carlo,

they wouldn't have given out
T-bones as favors.

Hmm, well, Martha, there is
a way you can make it up to me.

Anything, Karl! Just name it!

You want me
to clean the counters?

My tongue is ready!

No. Something
a little more difficult.

Now, tell me honestly,
which is better,

the brisket
or the pastrami?

Well, I'll do my best.

I wouldn't want to let you down,

but if you want
my honest opinion,

we might need
a little bit more meat.

Hey!

What happened to the two
cannolis I was saving?

Hello. I'm Martha

from the television series
Martha Speaks.

Do you sometimes feel guilt?

Well, you may be suffering
from a common emotion

known as shame.

Shame is a feeling you get
when you do something wrong,

like eating cannolis
that have the words

"Property of Dad"
written on them.

Do your cheeks turn red?

If you're a dog, does your tail
go between your legs?

Shame can be treated

by confessing
what you feel bad about.

We did it.
We're sorry.

MARTHA:
And doing something nice
for someone.

Um, if that doesn't help,
try the brisket.

And remember, you neverave
to be ashamed of feeling shame.

MARTHA (grunts):
Mine!

Mine!

(both grunting)

Hi-yah!

(Mom clears throat)

You know the rules--

no tug-of-w*r
in the living room.

And no chewing
on my stuff.

Ew!

If you two are going
to misbehave

and act like wild animals,

maybe you both should
just go outside.

(inquisitive bark)

"Misbehaving" means
doing something bad.

Say no more.

We'll go get
some fresh air.

Hey, someone's giving
a demonstration.

Maybe it's food!

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Coming through.

MAN:
Ladies and
gentlemen,

we all know that
dogs aren't perfect.

They don't pay attention;
they bark and make messes.

Frankly,
they're animals.

Observe.

Sir Lancelot,

sit.

(barking)

Fetch.

(groans)

As you can see,
dogs are not perfect.

They are imperfect.

Which means they are
not good all the time.

Or are they?

Dr. Pablum, observe
the same wild and naughty dog

after just one day of training
at the Perfect Pup Institute.

Sir Lancelot... sit.

Ooh!
Ooh!

Lie down.

(onlookers murmuring)

Roll over.

Beg.

Hop on one paw.

WOMAN:
Oh, that's
wonderful!

You see?

Now he's perfect.

That's not perfect!

That's terrible!

Who said that?!

Otis, calm down.

I will not calm down!

I... er...

(indistinct chatter, laughing)
That's weird.

(nervous chuckle)

I mean, how can I calm down
when I'm so excited to train?

And by "train," I mean
teach your imperfect dogs

to be perfect.

What is he talking about?

Dogs are already perfect.

All right, who said that?!

Was it you?
I think it was the dog.

(panting)

(mockingly):
I think it was the dog.

I'm on to you, lady!

Gee, that guy is tense.

All right, step up.

Who wants their dog
to be perfect?

(excited chatter)

(purrs, meows softly)

Skits, have you noticed
anything strange

about the dogs
around here?

My Donald used to chase
every squirrel that passed.

But since he went
to Perfect Pup,

just look at him!

See?

Now Donald's totally obedient.

Obedient dogs
do exactly

what you tell them to do.

(Skits barking)

(panting)

MARTHA:
Okay.

Something's
definitely
wrong here.

What are those guys up to?

OTIS:
Now, graduates, let's see

how obedient you are.

Sit.

Beg.

Hop on one paw.

(people murmuring)

Perfectly
obedient.

And now

for the final test
of your training,

a biscuit for each of you.

(panting)

Wait.

Dogs not going for biscuits?

That's not perfect,
that's scary.

(whines, barks)
Skits?

(chomps)

(all gasp)

What have we here?

A biscuit stealer, eh?!

A textbook example
of disobedient dog behavior.

And by disobedient, I mean

does not obey!

Uh, Otis?

Huh?
Hm?

(nervous chuckle):
I mean, go on home now.

(pleasantly):
Go on, get out of here.

(clears throat)

I don't like it.

There is something strange
about those dogs.

(Skits barks)

Okay, okay, I'm coming.

(gasps):
A talking dog!

How is it possible?

OTIS:
Pablum!
Get in here!

(barking)

(sniffing)

Disobedient? Imperfect?

Wild? This guy doesn't know
the first thing about dogs.

Dogs are noble,
they're...

sophisticated, they're...

Hey, garbage!

Ah, that's good garb... age.

Skits, it's the back door!

We have to find out
what they're doing
to those dogs!

(whining)

Don't worry, Skits.

I have the perfect plan.

(clears throat)

(seriously):
Hello, I'm a reporter. No, no.

(smoothly):
Hi, I'm a reporter. I'm here to
do a story on your...

(normal voice):
Uh, hello, I'm a...

Wonderful! Please, come in.
Come in.

Wow, I'm good.

(laughs)

What luck.

(whines)

We at Good Dogkeeping magazine
have lots of questions.

Hey! (grunts)
Quit shoving!

Hey! Let me out of here!

A talking dog,
and you're mine,
all mine.

Dognapper!

Let me out immediately!

Otis, come quickly!

MARTHA:
I demand my one phone call!

(Skits whining)

(barking)

Once I find out the secret
to how you speak,

I'll be a world-
famous scientist!

(barking)

What is it, Pablum?

This better be good.

Oh, believe me, it's good!

Say something.

Come on, talk.

(barks)

That's the same dog
from this morning.

Did that woman
put you up to this?

(barking)

Lancelot is misbehaving.

Do something useful
for once and fix him.

A talking dog...

(Sir Lancelot barking)

(grunting)

(panting)

I'll show that bully.

(whispers): Sir Lancelot,
what's going on here?

(barks)
Really?

Your name isn't Sir Lancelot?
It's Burt

and you used to run
with the big dogs,

but now you're stuck here
being a demo dog,

no better than a robot?

Do you know how
we can get out
of these crates?

(barking)

No? Oh.

(whines)

Collar time, Sir Lancelot.

(whimpering)

(barking)

(gasps) It's the collar!

You can speak!

Yes, that's right.

I just didn't want
that other guy to hear

'cause he might steal
the secret from you.

You're right. Otis would
only try to cheat me.

You're one clever dog.

Not as clever as you, Doctor.

I would love to know how

you make a dog
like Sir Lancelot
act so perfectly.

Oh, it's a simple
process. Watch.

(barking)
Our latest group of dogs--
noisy, disobedient, imperfect.

We just remove the collar,

attach this tiny brain-blocker
microchip.

The microchips turn off
every part of the brain

except the obedience lobe,

the part that makes the dog
do what you tell them.

Ah, I see. (chuckles)

Then we put the collar on.
(dogs barking)

(collars beeping)

(barking stops)

And now they're perfect.

Wow.

And that works
on any dog?

PABLUM: Oh, yes,
any dog at all.

Hey, uh, what
are you doing?

Just give me your collar.

OTIS: Pablum, hurry up
and get out here
with those dogs!

PABLUM:
I'll be back.

(Skits barking)

Skits!

(barking)

(thud)

Are you all right?

(howls)

Okay, we better hurry.

Good work.

Let's go.

Dang. Doorknob.

What's this?
You again?

You're not paying customers!

No pay, no stay!

Get!

(barking)

Skits, what about those
other dogs?

What about Little Burt?

We can't just leave them
with those bad guys, can we?

(barking)

Skits, do you really
want them

to spend their lives
being perfect?

(whines)

(Pablum gasping)

Where is my talking dog?!

My meal ticket, my chance
at fame and fortune!

MARTHA:
You called?

You're back.

Yep, and I've got a deal.

I'll tell the secret
of how I can speak

if you do one
teensy little thing for me.

And now for
a demonstration.

I'll show you how I've trained
your wild and imperfect dogs

and made them
into tame, perfect pups.

Wait!

Your collar's
a little crooked.

(beeps)
There.

Now you're perfect.

Ah, whatever!
(clears throat)

And now for the demonstration.

Sit!

ALL:
Ooh!

Lie down.

Roll over.

Beg.

Hop on one paw
or foot.

Now just you,
Otis Weaselgraft...

tell the truth about
the Perfect Pup Program. Speak!

We're not really dog trainers.

(all gasp)

We put a microchip
in your dogs' collars...

turns dogs into furry robots...

lasts just long enough

for us to take your money
and run.

It's not your dogs
that are misbehaving.

It's these two.

(all gasp)

(barking)

PABLUM:
Wait!

You said if I helped you,
you'd give me the secret

to how you talk!

Alphabet soup.

Alphabet soup?

I don't understand.

I'm telling you the truth.

Dogs may act wild sometimes,
but we don't lie.

(siren approaching)
(gasps)

Soup is the secret?
What does this mean?

(siren wailing)

(dogs barking)

(sighs)
Everything's back
to normal.

Isn't it great, Skits?
Look.

(all barking)

Well, Skits, congratulations
to us on a job well done.

(man laughs)

Donald, no!

Perfectly done, in fact.

(barking)

Someone was misbehaving
in Wagstaff City.

The canny canine super-sleuths
were hot on the trail

of someone who had been
disobedient.

Very disobedient. Who was it?

Who was the sneaky, misbehaving,
disobedient wrong-doer?

"It was that sneaky pillow,"
said Martha.

"It chewed itself and dug those
holes in the garden

"and left those muddy pawprints.

You do believe us, don't you?"

they said
to Chief Inspector Helen.

(thud, door slams)

"I guess we're in
the doghouse now," woofed Skits.

"There's no fooling
the chief," said Martha.

(barking)

Go fish.

Oh, hello, did you find
all those words

about behaving
and misbehaving?

Let's see some
of them again.

"Confess"? It means
to tell someone

that you did something
wrong.

Well, because you looked
distressed.

You know, like something
has really upset you.

"Conceal"-- it means to hide.

Now Donald's totally obedient.

Obedient dogs do exactly
what you tell them to do.

Well, that's
our show. Bye.

To dig up some more fun words
and

* Who's that dog? *

* Who's
that dog? *

* Dog, d-d-dog, d-dog. *

That dog is Cameo.

Come on, Cam!

My name is Mark.

Cameo is an agility dog.

An agility course is made
for training.

Cameo is good at agility

because she is very, very, very,
very intelligent.

She is very, very, very, very,
very, very wonderful.

* She's that dog... *
* Dog, d-d-dog, d-dog. *