01x05 - Martha Goes to School

[bunniefuu]

MAN:
* Martha was an average dog

* She went... and... and...
(barking, growls)

* When she ate
some alphabet soup *

* Then what happened
was bizarre... *

On the way to Martha's stomach,
the letters lost their way.

They traveled to her brain
and now...

* She's got a lot to say

* Now she speaks...

How now, brown cow?

* Martha speaks, yeah,
she speaks and speaks *

* And speaks and speaks
and speaks... *

What's a caboose?

When are we eating again?

* Martha speaks...

Hey, Joe, what do you know?

My name's not Joe.

* She's not always right,
but still that Martha speaks. *

Hi, there!

* She's got a voice,
she's ready to shout *

* Martha will tell you
what it's all about *

* Sometimes wrong
but seldom in doubt *

* Martha will tell you
what it's all about *

* That dog's unique...

Testing, one, two!

* Hear her speak

* Martha speaks and speaks

* And speaks and speaks
and... *

* Communicates, enumerates

* Elucidates, exaggerates

* Indicates and explicates

* Bloviates and overstates
and... *

(panting)

* ...hyperventilates!

* Martha, to reiterate

Martha speaks!
* Martha speaks.

Hello, class. In today's show,
we'll be studying school words.

What do I mean by school words?

I mean words you might hear
in a classroom--

words like "subject"
and "biography,"

"report" and "assignment,"

"behavior" and "attention,"
"unit" and "project."

TD!

Uh...

You know you shouldn't be
playing in my chair.

Watch for those words
while I try to make up
for my behavior.

And don't forget,

tomorrow your reports
on animal behavior are due.

Animal behavior?

That sounds ruff!

(all laugh)

Thank you, TD.

Now I have
an important announcement,

so I need everyone's attention.

"Attention" means you should
focus and listen carefully

to what I'm going
to say. TD!

Right, attention--
listening carefully.

Thank you. I'm going to be away
for the rest of the week,

so another teacher will be
taking my place.

TD (menacing voice):
I am your substitute teacher.

Fear me!

Nice. What do you think
they'll really be like?

Based on history, I'd say weird.

We always get the weird ones.

You mean,
like the yeller?

Who can tell me the square root
of four?!

TD:
Or the smeller?

(sniffing)

HELEN:
Or the tapper.

TD:
Or the rapper.

(beatboxing)

* My name is Mr. Hendricks,
it's time for attendance. *

(chuckles)

You know who I'd like
for a substitute?

A robot.

(robotic voice):
Today, instead
of normal homework,

you will construct
a rocket-propelled snowboard.

(both laugh)
(barking)

Helen, you're home!

Or you know who'd make a really
great substitute? Martha.

Can you imagine?
First lesson, the dog paddle.

Second lesson, catch tennis
balls with our teeth.

Third lesson, dig for bones.

Tenth lesson, lap water
from the toilet.

Ew!

Whoa, check it out!

What is it?

It's the signup sheet
for substitute teachers.

I must have grabbed it
from my mom's stuff by mistake.

Is it weird having your mom be
school vice principal?

Nah, I just pretend
not to know her.

Did I spell
Martha's name right?

You're really signing
her up as a teacher?

Just as a goof.

It's not like it would ever
really happen.

(phone ringing)

Phone!

(ringing continues)

(sighs)

Hello?
Oh, thank heavens I reached you.

Is this Martha Lorraine?

That's right.

This is Mrs. Clusky
from the school.

I'm glad I reached you.

The other substitutes
were all sick,

so you're going
to substitute
for me tomorrow.

I am?

That's right.

But a substitute is something

that takes the place of
something else, right?

Right, but...

Like if you don't have a ball
to play with,

you can use a stick
for a substitute?

Right. So...
So we're going to play fetch?

(sighs):
No, I'm a teacher.

And you're going to be
my substitute teacher

when I'm away.

Okay...

But don't you worry
about a thing.

The students
are very well behaved.

(car horn beeping)

(barks)

Oh, I have to go.

Do you have any questions?
No? Thanks. Bye.

Uh...

Everything okay, Martha?

Yeah, I think so.

By the way,
what are you studying

in Mrs. Clusky's class
these days.

Animal behavior. Why?

Animal behavior?

No wonder she called me.

Just think, two minutes ago
I was your average,

everyday talking dog, and now
look at me! A teacher!

A revered member
of that most noble of prof...

Martha,
off the table!

Teachers are such an
under-appreciated breed.

(humming)

Ah, my first day as a teacher.

I can almost feel a newfound
sense of respect in the air.

(whistling)

Hmm?

Hey, dog, what do you think
you're doing?

Huh? Uh...

Yeah, you, mutt!
You're not allowed in school!

See? No dogs.

But that dog doesn't look
anything like me.

Ha! Not one step closer!

Now get! Shoo!

Or I'll douse you
with dirty mop water.

This is called
"dogged determination."

(grunts)

(humming)

(all conversing)

Hello, students.

ALL:
What? Huh?

My name is Martha, and I'm
your new substitute teacher.

Martha?
TD, can you believe it?

A plan of yours actually worked.

Wow... I promise to use
this newfound power

only for good.

Okay, now the first thing
we need to do is... uh...

Yes, Helen.

Usually we start
the school day

by taking attendance.

Attendance?

Attending school means
to be at school.

Attendance is when you read
out our names

to find out who's here today
and who's absent.

Oh, attendance.

But why waste time
reading all those names?

Everyone who's here today
say "Present."

ALL:
Present!

Everyone who's not here today
say "Absent."

Her methods are unusual,
and yet make no sense.

I heard that, TD.
I hear everything.

(gasps):
Is that what I think it is?

Dog hair.

Now, class, I understand

you've been studying
animal behavior.

Who are these animals?

How do they act?

Where do they go late at night
while the humans sleep?

Who wants to go first?

Yes, Helen.

Well, um, we have these reports

we did for homework
for you to read.

Uh, new plan. Instead of me
reading your homework,

you read your reports to me.

You mean, like an oral report?

What's an oral report?

Reports that are read out loud.

Very good. Who's first?

I'll go.

Ah!

So because chameleons can hide
themselves by changing colors,

they're surely one

of the most fascinating

and amazing creatures
in the whole animal kingdom.

(yawns)
Okay, if you say so.

Who's next? Helen?

My report is about
the behavior of cats.

Cats?! How do you expect
to get a good grade

if you write a
report on cats?

That's not fair.

Just because
you don't like them.

I've been looking
all over for you.

We have an emergency.

A dog emergency, right?

Someone threw up
in the art room.

Is it dog throw-up?

(groans)

I think we've heard all we
need to hear about cats.

Who's next?
TD, you haven't gone yet.

Okay, I don't exactly have
the written report with me

because of the fact
that I forgot to write it.

But mine is all about
the behavior of, uh...

(clears throat)

Oh, dogs!

My subject is dogs.

Excellent choice, TD!

(chuckles)

Everyone, pay attention.

Dogs are, uh, hairy.

Although, then again,
some aren't.

True, true, but behavior
isn't what an animal
or person looks like.

Behavior is how they act,
what they do.

Right, I was getting to that.

Dogs are cool.

Much better.

They have a good sense
of smell, they're trustworthy.

Loyal.

Helpful.

Friendly, courteous and kind.

Obedient and cheerful.

Thrifty, brave, clean and...

Loyal.

Fantastic.
(laughs)

Let's all give TD
a great big dog thanks
for a job well done.

Not like that. Like this.

You jump up and wag your tail.

And then you bark with delight.
(barks)

Class participation;
everyone join in.

(all barking)

Now you're behaving like a dog.

Now jump up and lick his face!

Everyone!

Hold it.

Someone's at the door.

Wow! How did
you do that?

Don't you
remember me telling you?

We dogs have an amazing
sense of hearing.

It's worse than
I thought!

Hurry while it's
still contained!

But what about the throw-up?

It's because of their
acute sense of hearing and smell

that dogs are used
for search-and-rescue teams.

Write this down.

There'll be a test
on it tomorrow.

Aha! You see?!

Uh... problem?

Yes, I see.

An unusually well-behaved
class of students

who are paying attention
to the lesson.

Hi, Martha. Hi, TD.

Uh... hi, Mom.

Now is that how we learned
to greet someone, TD?

Jump up.

Give your mom a nice
loud ruff-ruff-ruff.

Uh, well...

Go on.

Ruff, ruff, ruff.

Today's lesson is
about animal behavior.

Oh, class participation.

How fun.

Did TD tell you about
my famous imitation

of Courageous Collie Carlo
saving a baby frog?

No, Mom! Please?!

Ribbit ribbit.

(panting)

Please stop.
I beg you.

Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit.

(laughing)

Wow. Excellent
imitation, Mrs. Kennelly.

Thank you, Martha.

I love your
teaching techniques.

We are so lucky
to have you.

TD:
Now I wish we had gotten
this substitute.

She didn't like anyone's
animal report but yours.

And that's just because your
report was all about dogs.

Now everyone's blaming me
because Martha's my pet.

Well, At least you didn't have
to watch your mother

imitate Courageous Collie Carlo
in front of the whole class.

At least we can
go home now.

Don't you have homework
to do, young lady?

(sighs)

What? What's
the matter?

I thought it would be fun
having you for a teacher.

This is not working out
the way I wanted.

(snoring)

(gasps)

Something is not right.

(excited chattering)

Students... I have
an announcement to make,

so I'd like everyone
to pay attention.

Actually, it's more like
my own oral report.

You see, yesterday,

I made someone
I care for unhappy.

Oh. Someone's at the door.

I'm back.

(sighing):
I just couldn't
stay away from all of you.

Also I had a dream you'd
all grown tails and fur.

Oh. Mrs. Clusky.

We weren't expecting
you back so soon.

You'll be happy to know

that Martha did an excellent job
teaching your class.

Martha?

Martha Lorraine is...
you, Martha?

Yes, but I think my
teaching days are over.

Are you sure?

Oh, I'm sure.

In the end, being a teacher
is no substitute

for being a friend.

Hey, Martha, see you at home.

TD:
Hey, Martha.

Ruff, ruff.

(barks)
(class laughing)

Thanks.

I wasn't opening it for you.

I just, uh, wanted
some fresh air.

(takes deep breath)

Okay, that's enough.

Reports.

If you give a report
on something,

you tell people about it.

Reports can be written.

Reports can also be oral.

That means you say
your report out loud.

Like this one.

An "oral report" is a report
that you give by speaking.

But why stop there?

Maybe someday there will
be musical reports.

* The principal exports
of Brazil *

* Are cars and coffee,
coffee and cars *

* Cars and coffee,
coffee and cars *

* And also

* Corned beef

* Corned beef,
corned beef. *

Now, that's the kind of report

I'd like to see.

Inventors are people who come up
with new ways of doing things.

They make new
machines or appliances

that are useful and helpful.

Ah-ah-ah...

Thank you.

(sneezes)

Like that.

Everything from factory
machines...

...to books...
STUDENTS:
Shh!

From cars and buses...

...to television.

They're all things
an inventor thought of.

TD, are you paying attention?

TD?

TD, are you listening?

Huh?

Oh, yeah. I'm just
trying to imagine

what this would be like
as a movie.

Oh.

Social Studies:
The Director's Cut.

Hmm.

Well, does anybody have any
questions about your assignment?

TD, if you're going to ask

what an assignment is,

and I think
you should know this,

an assignment is something
you do for school.

The assignment for Monday
is to do a project

about this week's subject.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

TD, if you're going to ask
what a subject is--

and once again, I believe
this is something

that you should know-- a subject
is something you study.

For instance, math or plants.

The subject we're studying
this week is inventors.

(TD grunts)

TD, you're not going to ask me
what inventors are, are you?

No.

And you know
what a subject is

and what an
assignment is, right?

Right.

So what do you
want to know?

I wanted to ask...
can I go to the bathroom?

Oh, yes. Certainly.

Sorry. Off you go.

TD:
We pretend to be the inventor?

That's the
whole project?
Dressing up?

You also have to tell the class
about what you invented.

Oh, that's bad.

Why? What inventor
did you get?

The son of some
guy named Eddie.

I guess Eddie was
already taken.

So I don't even get Eddie,
I get Eddie's son.

"Eddie's son"?

That's what she told me.

Your inventor is Eddie's son.

Um, TD...

Who's ever heard of a famous
inventor called "Eddie's son"?

(Helen and Alice sighing)

What?

Who's that?

Edison. Thomas Edison.
The inventor.

He invented more stuff than just
about any other inventor ever.

More than Eddie's son?

There is no
Eddie's son.

What happened to him?

He never existed.

Edison. That's who
you're doing your report on.

This guy-- Edison.

Oh, well, from the look
of this guy,

all I have to do is rumple up
my clothes and presto, A-plus.

But you also have to tell the
class about what you invented.

No problem.

So who wants to go play catch?

(sighs)

ALICE:
"Edison, known as

"the Wizard of Menlo Park,

"said 'Genius is one
percent inspiration

and % perspiration.'"

Perspiration?

Perspiration is
sweat, right?

So you're saying that
Edison was really sweaty?

(barking)

Who's sweaty?

Eddie's son. Thomas.

No. Listen, Thomas Edison
was not sweaty.

Well, maybe sometimes,

but that's not the point.

The point is, TD,
that you have to do

a lot of hard work
and thinking

before you get inspired.

What's the point
of being inspired

if you have to do
a bunch of work first?

Fetch.

Look, don't worry about me.

My project is going
to be great.

After all, TD stands
for "Totally Done."

"Total disaster," you mean.

(barking)

Yeah, or that.

(TD laughing)

I was online researching
my inventor, Samuel Morse,

and I found this site

that had all these
great little biographies.

A biography?

That's the person's
life story, right?

Yeah. And they
had pictures, too.

Whoa. That must be
some biography!

"The Life of Samuel Morse:

Chapter one, started
growing my beard today."

"Chapter two, my beard
is really getting

quite a bit longer now."

"Chapter ,
discovered

birds nesting
in my beard today."

Hey. Is that...?

It can't be.

It looks like TD is...

ALL:
...studying?!

TD, are you
feeling okay?

How's it going?

You're working really hard.

Mm-hmm.

When I was at the library,

I found these
little biographies,

including one about Edison.

I printed out a copy
if you want...

Yeah... thanks...

Uh-oh!

What's the matter?

It's already started.

He dropped his research.

(groans)

What is it?

ANNOUNCER:
Welcome to the Harry Blotter,

Boy Wizard, movie marathon.

This is what you were
studying so hard?

The TV schedule?

It's Harry Blotter.

They're showing
all four prequels,

leading up to the final
four sequels,

to be followed immediately
by the broadcast premiere

of the ninth movie
in the series.

But what about your project?

Aren't you worried
about what grade you'll get?

But this is research
for the project.

Research?

Sure. Alice said Edison was the
wizard of Menlo Park, right?

Well, this movie is
all about wizards.

ALICE:
TD, that's
not what...

Shh. It's starting.

Sit down.

Well, don't come
crying to me tomorrow

to help you get your report
done in time for class.

(doorbell ringing)

Help me!

I need help!

Please!

I'm cryin'!
(sighs)

I'm going to get a
horrible grade on this.

I don't know why anybody
couldn't at least remind me

that I had so
much work to do.

Okay, okay...

you did, but what good
does that do me now?

It's Sunday.
The assignment is due tomorrow.

This is all
Alice's fault.

How is it
my fault?

You're the one who said
Eddie's son was a wizard.

Edison.

And I tried to tell
you yesterday

that when they called
him a wizard,

they just meant
he was a genius.

Well, you shouldn't say
things like that around me.

I have a young,
impressionable mind.

If it weren't for that,

I might have read five chapters
of a biography by now

instead of watching
that wizard movie.

Hang on.
Hold everything.

I think I just
got inspired.

Uh-oh.

That's it!

A movie about Thomas Edison!

I can't believe I didn't
think of it before!

Just imagine it...

(thunder crashing)

Join me, Edison.

Never.

ALICE:
Hang on.

What does that have to do
with inventing things?

You're right. He has
to invent things.

Good idea.

Like... well...

what... what did
he invent?

TD!
TD!

That's what the whole
unit was about.

You were supposed
to have studied that.

Didn't Edison invent
the light bulb?

Thank you, Martha.

At least someone cares.

I can't believe it.

My dog knows more
about Edison than you do.

You have to admit that
is kind of pathetic.

Okay, okay, you're right.

But we have to get moving.

Class is tomorrow.

Alice, your dad has
a video camera, right?

Yeah.

All right.

We're green-lit.

Now come on,
people, let's go.

We have a movie to make.

Well, I'm free.

All right, class,
I'm very excited to hear

about all these wonderful
inventors and inventions.

So without further ado...

let the projects begin.

And this is what
we all might look like

without Eli Whitney's
cotton gin.

(laughing)

(kids cheering)

The message from Samuel Morse
is coming through now.

(telegraph key clicking)
S... O... S...

Stop.

Tangled in my beard.

Stop.

Please send scissors...

(laughing)

TD presents...

with the help of Helen,
Alice and Martha...

Thomas Edison and the
Light Bulb of Doom.

The mixture is nearly ready.

% perspiration...

ALL:
Ew!

It just needs one
more ingredient...

One percent inspiration.

E Pluribus Switchamus Onium...

Let there be light...

...bulb.

(rapid footsteps)

Oh, no, you don't.

I, the Dark Lord
of Really Dark Darkness

am going to stop you,
Thomas Edison, you dog.

That gives me an idea.

Oh, bad luck.

I've been turned
into a talking dog.

You and your light bulb of doom
are doomed, Dog-Edison.

(eerie music)

Especially now that
my evil friends have arrived

from the dark side of Mars

to help me turn all earthlings
into our willing puppets.

BOTH:
Bleep-blap-boop...

Dark Lord
of Really Dark Darkness,

I will not let you stop me.

'Ake 'at...

(all gasping)

Light!

Darkness!

Light!

Darkness!

Light!

(all gasping)

Curse you, Thomas Edison.

Your light has
defeated my darkness.

Don't curse me.

Curse the magic of electricity.

(cheering)

All right, all right.

Well, I must say, that
was quite a report, TD.

I certainly appreciate
the effort you put into it.

Thanks.

But I'm afraid you really didn't
complete the assignment,

so I can't give you a grade yet.

Huh?

Don't get me wrong, I did
like how you made a movie.

You know, since Edison
helped invent movies...

He what?!

I mean, yeah, sure.

I meant to do that.

Uh-huh.

And I have a
few books here...

Can I see those?

Recording... Whoa.

Why didn't anyone tell me

this Edison figured out
how to record sound?

You know, like CDs and all.

TD...

I mean, he invented everything.

If only there had been some way

for me to know
all of this beforehand.

This guy Edison's
story is great.

It needs to be told.

We've got another
movie to make.

I'm so inspired.

But I'm thinking we'll need
a full-scale replica

of Edison's lab
in Menlo Park.

And light bulbs,
hundreds of them...

Hello. I'm Thomas Edison.

It's the late s, and I've
made lots of discoveries.

When you make a discovery,

you're the first person to find
out how to do something.

Some of my discoveries
include...

the first practical
electric light.

I tried lots of different things
before I discovered the ones

that would make
a really great light bulb.

Another thing I discovered
is how to record sound.

EDISON:
Mary had a little lamb,

its fleece was white as snow...

That was Edison's
actual voice.

You can read more by checking
out a biography of me

in the library or by looking
me up on the Internet.

Better?

Your grade is an A-plus.

Whoo-hoo!

Hi.

Did you get all
the assigned words?

Let's hear some of them again.

A subject is something
you study.

"Attention" means
you should focus

and listen carefully to what
I'm going to say. TD?

A biography?

That's a person's
life story, right?

An assignment is
something you do for school.

Well, that's our show.

Bye.

To dig up some more fun words
and games, visit pbskids.org

or check out your local library
for the "Martha Speaks" books.

Skits, when I said "dig,"
I didn't mean in the yard!