05x17 - The Claws of a Crab Can Snip Through a Friendship

[bunniefuu]

The Claws of a Crab Can Snip Through a Friendship

Shin: Whoa! Isn't this a crab, Gin-san?!

Shin: What's the occasion?

Gin: One of Gran's old friends

gave her so many that she's sick of eating them,

Gin: so she's sharing the wealth.

Shin: Seriously?!

Shin: It's been forever since I've had crab!

Shin: Uh...

Shin: She only gave us one?

Gin: Yeah, she asked me how many I wanted,

so I told her I wanted a boxful...

Kagura: Damn hag!

Kagura: Why is she giving us riddles like the Sphinx?!

Kagura: This isn't Ikkyu-san!

Kagura: I'm gonna "riddle me that!"

Gin: Calm down, kids.

Gin: Listen to me.

Gin: Do you know why a crab has so many legs?

Gin: So we can share them.

Gin: Since the beginning of time, humans have

fought many foolish wars over crabs.

Gin: Such as the Battle of Sekigahara

and the Battle of Okehazama.

Shin: Uh, that's news to me.

Gin: And so, the Holy Crab in Heaven...

Shin: What's a Holy Crab?

Shin: How did God turn into a crab?

Gin: Gave crabs more legs to end

the tragic conflicts and allow us

to eat crab together.

Gin: However, crabs could no longer

move forwards or backwards.

Gin: Is it right to force the Holy Crab to live a sideways life?

Gin: Is it right to force him to purely go

scissors without any missionary or doggy style?

Shin: This conversation has gotten very weird.

Gin: Let's do this peacefully.

Gin: I'm sick of all the fighting over food,

like whenever we have a hot pot.

Shin: That's true.

Shin: Let's share this crab.

Gin: If we include the claws, this thing has ten legs.

Gin: There's plenty for everyone here.

Shin: But how do we split ten legs between three people?

Shin: One will be left over...

Shin: Huh? What's going on?

Kagura: A blackout?

Power outage at Yorozuya

Gin: What the hell?

We were getting to the good part.

Shin: I'll go check the circuit breaker.

Shin: Ow!

Gin: Come on, staff.

Gin: You're already out of steam after the Four Devas arc?

Gin: Stop slackin' off!

Shin: Wait, this was in the manga.

Shin: The author was overwhelmed

with that one-shot collection business.

Gin: What?

He wouldn't be doing one-sh*ts

if he kept slackin' on his main series, stupid!

Kagura: Yeah, stupid!

Kagura: Super Legend, my ass!

Kagura: A bunch of one-sh*ts from big sh*ts?

Gin: One of those guys clearly doesn't fit!

Gin: There's a gorilla in the mix!

Kagura: And he was unabashed about it!

Kagura: Don't get too cocky, dammit!

Shin: What are you guys talking about?

Shin: I just checked the circuit breaker and it's fine.

Shin: Power's back.

Shin: Okay, let's get started then...

Shin: Uh, excuse me...

Shin: The Holy Crab was injured during the blackout.

Gin: Maybe he bumped into the table?

Shin: Yeah, a leg is missing.

Kagura: It wasn't me!

Kagura: I'm not evil enough to steal food while the power's out!

Shin: It obviously wasn't me!

Shin: So it was one of you two!

Kagura: What was that?!

Kagura: You probably swiped the leg

Kagura: when you were pretending to go check the circuit breaker!

Kagura: You said ow!

Kagura: You probably cut yourself on the crab!

Shin: I hit my head on the screen!

Gin: Hey, cut it out!

Gin: It's not possible to eat one

of those shelled monsters in the dark.

Gin: Now, we have a number that divides perfectly into three.

Gin: The Holy Crab must have been trying to stop us from fighting.

Gin: Okay, enough bickering.

Gin: Each of us gets three legs...

Shin: You only get two!

Kagura: Your mouth is bleeding because you didn't remove the shell!

Shin: How desperate were you?!

Gin: What are you guys talking about?

Gin: When we were trashing that Legends mess during the blackout,

a gorilla appeared and punched me hard.

Shin: Who would believe that story?!

Gin: The missing crab leg was also him, I'm guessing.

Gin: It's pretty bad.

Gin: He must be completely stressed out.

All: Ah!

Shin: Damn, another blackout.

Power outage at Yorozuya

Shin: Gin-san, don't move an inch.

Shin: One more time and you're gonna get it.

Gin: Seriously, it wasn't me.

Gin: Cross my heart and hope to die.

Gin: Careful, guys.

Gin: We don't know when the gorilla will come back.

Shin: Kagura-chan?!

Kagura: Stop!

Gin: Hey! What's wrong, Kagura?!

Shin: Ka-Kagura-chan!

Kagura: My eye... My eye!

Gin: Hold on, Kagura!

Gin: It's okay.

Gin: You just have a cut on your eyelid.

Kagura: A gorilla...

A weird gorilla showed up and took a crab leg...

Kagura: I tried to stop it... But...

Gin: Look, Shinpachi!

Gin: It took another crab leg!

Gin: This is all Legend Gorilla's fault!

Shin: No way!

Shin: Huh?

Shin: There's blood on the claw.

Shin: Didn't you just cut your eye

on the claw when you tried

to eat a crab leg in the dark?

Kagura: No!

Kagura: The gorilla!

Kagura: The gorilla grabbed the crab and stabbed me with it!

Shin: Uh, you're talking with your mouth full.

Kagura: No!

Kagura: I fought back and bit off the gorilla's crotch!

Gin: Damn gorilla...

That should teach you a lesson.

Shin: Enough of this crap.

Shin: Stop blaming the gorilla for everything!

Shin: It's so obvious that you ate those crab legs!

Gin: No, we didn't.

Kagura: It was the gorilla. The gorilla ate them.

Shin: You refuse to own up, huh...

Shin: Fine, have it your way.

Shin: We'll use a candle to prevent any further cheating

if the power goes out.

Gin: Oh, good idea.

Gin: Should have done this earlier.

Gin: Not that I ever cheated.

Kagura: I didn't cheat,

but this should keep that gorilla away.

Gin: Since gorillas are afraid of fire.

Shin: Then I'll divide up the legs so we can eat.

Gin: Sure, go ahead.

Gin: Give me a claw.

Gin: I like the tougher meat.

Shin: Okay, that should put an end to their thievery.

Shin: If the power goes out, we'll still have light from the candle.

Shin: Most importantly, the crab is in my hands.

Kagura: Oh, the power went out again.

Kagura: Something's wrong today.

Gin: What's going on?

Gin: I'll go check the circuit breaker.

Kagura: I'll come with you.

Gin: I'm gonna borrow a candle.

Shin: Huh? What are they doing?

Shin: They're leaving me alone with the crab?

Shin: The crab is undefended!

Shin: Is this a trap?!

Shin: Or are they letting me have my way with it?

Shin: Yes, this is the perfect chance!

Shin: I should go for it!

Shin: They already swiped two legs!

Shin: I don't have time to waste!

Shin: Huh?

Shin: There aren't any legs left...

Gin: Huh? This candle won't light.

Gin: This one won't either.

Gin: Nor this one.

Kagura: Hey, Gin-chan.

Kagura: These aren't candles...

Kagura: They're crab legs.

Shin: What?!

Gin: Oh, you're right.

Shin: That was when I realized how foolish I was.

Shin: When I chose to focus on how to divide the legs among three people...

Shin: How to squirrel the extra leg away from them...

Shin: I was thinking too small.

Shin: I lost before I even sat down at the table.

Shin: They never had any intention of sharing a single crab leg.

Shin: My tiny claw could never pierce

through their shamelessly thick shells.

Shin: I will never stand a chance

until I bring out my own giant claws

Shin: for plundering the entire world of every last crab!

Gin: What's up with all the outages?

Kagura: Let's try to get this crab party started again.

Shin: No...

Shin: Only the body and claws are left.

Gin: What's done is done.

Gin: I wasn't expecting people

to mistake crab legs for candles.

Shin: In what world would you find people who

mistake crab legs for candles?

Kagura: It's Shinpachi's fault for leaving the crab legs next to the candles.

Shin: And you're trying to shift the blame to me

instead of apologizing!

Gin: Well, it was an honest mistake.

Gin: Let's forgive him.

Kagura: You're so mature, Gin-chan!

Kagura: Hey, Shinpachi.

Kagura: Divide the crab into three equal portions.

Shin: How can you people have the gall to talk about equal?!

Shin: I want to hit them!

Shin: Punch them in the face!

Shin: But if I lose my cool now, they'll win!

Shin: They've been trying to goad me into snapping

with their heavy-handed behavior.

Shin: Forget that shit!

Shin: You guys already ate eight crab legs!

Shin: Three equal portions, my foot!

Shin: The rest is mine!

Shin: That's what they want me to say.

Shin: But they'll have a response prepared.

Gin: Don't be stupid.

Gin: Two of the legs were eaten by that gorilla.

Gin: We each ate three of the remaining six.

Gin: By mistake, I mean...

Gin: Thanks to someone else's mistake...

Gin: Well, you can have the two claws with the tougher meat.

Gin: But we're sharing the body.

Shin: They'll use some kind of absurd logic to

declare that two claws are equal to four legs.

Shin: That's why he said that line.

Gin: Give me a claw.

Gin: I like the tougher meat.

Shin: He was trying to inflate the value of the claws

Shin: as part of his strategy to fool me.

Shin: But it's all a lie!

Shin: The claw may look like it has more than a leg,

Shin: but in reality, it's the same amount of meat!

Shin: That guy was feigning interest in

the claws so he could be rid of them!

Shin: He'll use the claws to distract

me while he aims straight for the body!

Shin: I won't let that happen!

Shin: I'm going to fight back!

Shin: Fine then.

Shin: I'll let you guys have the claws.

Shin: Which means I'm stuck with the body.

Gin: C-Could it be...

Gin: He's using my statement about the claws

against me, to lock me down?!

Gin: Despite all my taunting,

he's stayed calm and seen right through my plan,

Gin: completely ignoring the claws

and going straight for the body!

Gin: And he's pretending that he's doing us a favor

Gin: by taking the body so he can win over the kid.

Gin: A technique practiced by dads around the world!

Kagura: I don't like the body cause it's all squishy and gross.

Shin: Same here.

Shin: But if you like crab legs so much, I'll take the body.

Gin: Yes, the body of a crab is disgusting.

Gin: Women and children tend to avoid it.

Gin: But the dad knows

that the body contains Princess Crab-Paste!

Gin: Shi-Shinpachi...

Gin: You already know the secret of

Princess Crab-Paste at such a young age?!

Gin: Indeed, Princess Crab-Paste is the

ugliest woman of the Sengoku period.

Gin: Yet you know that her repulsive face hides...

Gin: ...the finest lay of the Sengoku period!

Shin: Gin-san, you may have won some small skirmishes,

Shin: but you haven't won the w*r.

Shin: You must take the body...

Shin: Take Princess Crab-Paste...

Shin: if you wish to become a Crabqueror!

Shin: I will be the one who conquers the world!

Shin: Princess Crab-Paste!

Shin: Are you all right?

Shin: Don't worry! Everything will be okay!

Shin: The Shimura army will keep you safe!

Shin: The Sakata army approaches.

Shin: It is too dangerous here!

Shin: We must escape at once!

Shin: Th-That's...

Shin: That's impossible...

Shin: Pr-Princess Crab-Paste...

Gin: Princess Crab-Paste?

Gin: Who are you talking about?

Shin: I-Impossible!

Shin: It isn't just Princess Crab-Paste!

Shin: The body is...

Shin: ...completely empty!

Gin: Oh, sorry, Shinpachi.

Gin: I took the meat from the body and cooked it with rice.

Gin: Oh, I saved the crab paste.

Shin: C-Cooked it with rice?!

Gin: How unfortunate, General Shimura.

Gin: This castle belongs to the Sakata army now!

Gin: And Princess Crab-Paste has fallen into our hands!

Gin: This castle no longer holds any strategic value!

Shin: It can't be...

Shin: General Sakata...

Shin: You anticipated that I would anticipate your plan?!

Gin: Absolutely not.

Gin: But in w*r,

the key is to become a coward with multiple back-up plans.

Shin: N-No...

Shin: He knew all along...

Shin: ...that my focus was on the body.

Shin: And to fool me, he restored the body after taking its contents,

Shin: and pretended to be Princess Crab-Paste.

Shin: Yes, while I was falling into his trap,

Shin: he was taking possession of the ultimate sword, Crabclaw!

Gin: Yeah. Sorry, Pachi-boy.

Gin: We even took the claws.

Gin: You ended up without a single bite of crab.

Shin: I misjudged him!

Gin: But it's not our fault.

Gin: You're the one who let us have them.

Shin: You have sunk your fangs into the crab shell,

Gintoki the Viper!

Gin: Well, I'll help myself then.

Gin: The meat!

Gin: The meat of the Crabclaw is gone!

Kagura: The meat is right here.

Kagura: Ta-da!

Gin: Da-Daigoro!

Kagura: You're so weird, Gin-chan.

Kagura: Why do you like the claws so much?

Kagura: There's more meat in the leg below the claw.

Kagura: Silly Gin-chan.

Gin: I spent too much time talking about claws!

Gin: Technically, the term claw only

refers to the pincer at the very end!

Gin: Still, I never expected her to divide up the claws like this!

Gin: I ignored you since I assumed you were just a child,

Gin: but you took advantage of my battle with General Shimura

Gin: to use my own words against me.

Gin: Daigoro, you are no ordinary Daigoro!

Gin: You were sent by Iga?!

Kagura: You aren't the only one

Kagura: who intends to take advantage

of the chaos and conquer this world.

Kagura: A true tactician would lay low until

he's already conquered the world in secret!

Kagura: Viper!

Kagura: I grant you an eternal slumber inside that empty shell!

Gin: Not yet...

Gin: I can still conquer the world...

Gin: I may have lost the claws,

Gin: but I used the treasures of the castle to create a new paradise!

Gin: Castle Crab-on-Rice belongs to me!

Gin: And Princess Crab-Paste is in my hands!

Gin: As long as I hold these, my ambition will never die!

A: Lord Viper! Look over there!

A: A castle is being constructed

next to ours at an alarming pace!

Gin: Th-That's...?!

Gin: Castle Crab-Juice!

Gin: I-Impossible!

Gin: This man has gathered his surviving forces

and begun to build a castle!

Shin: Gin-san!

Shin: There's more to a crab than its meat!

Shin: Even the shell has its flavor!

Gin: Curse you!

Gin: You plan to pit leftover juices against my crab-on-rice

and reverse the situation?!

Shin: This is your last chance to seek a peaceful resolution, Viper!

Shin: Grant me the right to access Castle Crab-on-Rice

Shin: and meet with Princess Crab-Paste!

Gin: Preposterous!

Gin: How dare you seek to bargain

on equal footing with me, the Crabqueror?!

Shin: Who said anything about equal footing?!

Shin: I, Shimura Shinpachi,

demand seventy percent of Castle Crab-on-Rice!

Gin: S-Seventy percent?!

Gin: You overestimate what you hold!

Shin: You have dug your own grave, Viper!

Shin: Crab on rice may sound delicious,

Shin: but in reality, it barely tastes any different from plain rice!

Shin: Yes, alone, crab on rice holds no power!

Shin: Your castle serves as little more than decoration!

Shin: Crab on rice requires flavorful vegetables

which have been cooked in crab juice!

Shin: You can no longer survive

in the Sengoku period without me!

Gin: Don't be ridiculous!

Gin: You have underestimated the potency of my hand-salted rice!

Gin: Fire!

A: It's no use, Lord Viper!

A: There isn't enough flavor!

Shin: Fire!

A: Such firepower!

A: The crab juice is strong in him!

Gin: Wh-What did you say?!

Gin: This is like Gian vs. Nobita!

Gin: We're a perfect match! The ultimate combination!

Gin: Best friends forever!

Shin: It's over, Viper!

Shin: Time to let me take over the world!

Gin: Silence!

Gin: I have my own Doraemon in Princess Crab-Paste!

Shin: Wh-What?!

Gin: This shaking...

Kagura: It'll taste better this way.

Gin: Tha-

Shin: That's...

Both: That's...!

Both: The castle in the sky!

Both: Note: Referring to Laputa: Castle in the Sky the film written and directed by Hayao Miyazaki.

Both: Crab-Congee-Laputa!

Gin: I-Impossible!

Gin: Castle Crab-on-Rice and Castle Crab-Juice

were taken over and combined into one?!

Shin: She's stolen our cooking to create the ultimate recipe

Shin: and lay claim to the mantle of conqueror!

Both: You're...!

Gin: You're no ordinary assassin of Iga!

Kagura: Exactly.

Kagura: I'm neither Daigoro nor an assassin of Iga.

Kagura: My true name is Kagura Crab Congee Laputa.

Kagura: A descendant of the royal family

Kagura: which ruled over the ancient city of Crab-Congee-Laputa.

Kagura: I have been waiting for this moment,

Kagura: when you would unlock the path to Crab-Congee-Laputa,

Kagura: for I never could have

cooked crab on rice or vegetables in crab juice on my own.

Kagura: Excellent work.

Kagura: I appreciate your efforts.

Kagura: In return, I shall give you

a demonstration of the true power of crab!

Shin: O-One egg can cause this much damage?!

Gin: A little stirring and the smell has me drooling!

Both: Th-This is the true power of crab!

Paste: Please stop her...

Shin: Pr-

Shin: Princess Crab-Paste!

Paste: Stop fighting over crab!

Paste: Crabs were never meant to create conflict.

Paste: Crabs are meant to bring everyone

together around the table for a pleasant meal.

Paste: Wasn't that your original intention?

Main-Alt,Kagura: Magnificent!

Paste: It's not too late!

Main-Alt,Kagura: The finest show on Earth!

Paste: The three of you can share this meal together.

Gin: It's too late.

Gin: Our souls are enraged by the long battle.

Shin: We can never bury this hatchet.

Paste: It will be fine.

Paste: I will help to mend fences.

Paste: The savory flavor of crab paste is gentle as the ocean.

Paste: I'm sure that it will soothe your souls

and restore your kind nature.

Paste: Now, speak the words of unity and add me to the pot.

Both: Balse appetit.

Kagura: Forget it.

Kagura: You can have the rest.

Shin: Let's get this crab party restarted...

Shin: No, let's get this crab party started.

Gin: Sure, you have forty seconds to get ready.

Shin: It tastes too fishy.

Gin: Imitation crab is better.

Paste: Yes, that's right.

Crab-Flavored Sausage

Paste: Band together

Paste: to eat cheap food!

People Forget to Return Stuff All the Time Without Even Realizing It

Kagura: Next time:

Kagura: People forget to return stuff all the time without even realizing it!