06x01 & 06x02 - The Last of the Red Hot Psychologists

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

(no voice)

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

(sighs with satisfaction)

Hey, Mom.

Morning, honey.

Where's Andy? He was supposed
to be down minutes ago.

He's upstairs getting dressed.

Oh, yeah, it's his first day
of kindergarten, Mom.

He doesn't want to be late.

Most of the kids I knew
who were late for kindergarten

never bounced back.

Some are unemployed,
some are in jail,

the rest are at Grant College.

Seems like yesterday
we were taking you

to your first day
of kindergarten.

What a nightmare that was.

I thought it went
rather smoothly.

No, as soon as you found out

that your kindergarten teacher's
name was Mrs. McGovern,

you became hysterical.

We could not convince you

that she wasn't related
to George McGovern.

You kept screaming,
"Nixon's the one.

Four more years."

Jennifer, I'm telling you,
you look great!

I just want a second opinion.

Mom, what do you think
of this blouse?

Well, the blouse is fine.

Where'd you get the pants?

Mallory and I
went shopping yesterday.

Well, how'd they get so ripped?

We had them done at the store.

Costs a little extra,
but it's worth it

to get them ripped
professionally, huh?

Well, Jen, you're not
wearing those pants to school.

Why? When you and Dad
were in school,

all your clothes were ripped...
I've seen pictures.

That's different.

Why?

I'll go ask your father.

Jen, I'm telling you, you are
gonna do great in high school.

Yeah, Jen, what are you
worried about?

This is Harding High.

This is my alma mater.

I'm a legend there.

Let's see your schedule.

Okay, let's take...

Okay, first period,
you got Mr. Gibson for English.

No problem.

He loved me, wrote me
a recommendation for college.

Second period,
Mrs. Hentaugh for math.

She wrote me two recommendations
for college.

Third period,
Mr. Kaufman for science.

He drove me to college.

Andy, Andy,
let's get to work, buddy.

Got a lot of ground
to cover here.

First day of kindergarten,

you want to get off
to a good start, right?

I'm ready, Alex.

Yeah, the first thing
your teacher's gonna ask

is what you did over the summer.

Now, a lot of kids are
gonna say, "I went to the zoo"

or "I went to the beach"
or "I went to a baseball game."

What are you gonna say?

I watched
the Iran-Contra hearings.

And?

President Reagan
doesn't know anything.

Doesn't know anything
about the scandal.

Okay, you don't want to be
quoted out of context.

Alex, we've been over this
a thousand times.

Well, just... humor me, okay?

Because our ripped pants
were a political statement.

BOTH:
What?

That's why we could wear ripped
pants to school and you can't.

Forget about the pants
for a minute.

What do you think of the blouse?

The blouse I like.

It's hip, it's rad, it's gnarly.

You'll have to change it.

Okay, Keaton school bus
leaving in minutes.

First stop: Kindergarten.

Coming, Alex?

Mm, I don't have to be on campus
till : , Dad.

Tough schedule at Leland, huh?

Well, considering you go
to a college that offers

a graduate program
in Trivial Pursuit,

I wouldn't start with
the college jokes.

And for your information,
it's not a class,

it's a psychology experiment.

I didn't know you had
an interest in psychology.

I don't.

I have an interest in money.

Yes, you've mentioned that.

Some, uh, psych major's doing
a paper on overachievers...

put an ad in the Leland Gazette
looking for participants,

so I thought I'd apply.

It's bucks just to see
what makes a guy like me tick.

Oh. Well, when they find out,
please let us know.

(clattering)

Chester, please.
I'm trying to work here.

Are you hungry?

What are you in the mood for?

Where did you learn
the sign for McNuggets?

(knocking on door)

Thanks. I know it's the door.

Hello. Can I help you?

Hello.

(mouthing)

Alex P. Keaton, overachiever.

Good. I'm Lauren Miller.
Come in.

Thanks.

Come on, Chester, lunchtime!

He wants McNuggets.

Again?

(Alex clears throat)

I'm not gonna look like that
when you're done with me, am I?

No, no, no. Chester's here
learning sign language.

He has over
a -word vocabulary.

That's incredible!

I have a sister
who gets by on half that.

Have a seat, Alex.

Oh, thanks very much.

Whoa.

So, have you ever
been the subject

of a psychological profile
before?

Uh, well, not officially,
Lauren.

Uh, although,
when my younger sister Jennifer

was in the fifth grade,
she had to do a paper

on a member of the family
and chose me.

That's sweet.

Yeah, I still remember
the title.

It was, uh, "He Ain't Heavy...

"But He's Annoying...

He's My Brother."

Well, this study will probably
be a little different.

Although I do like that title.

Now let me see
your resume, please.

Uh, sure.

Just got to... one sec.

(groans)

There you go.

Well, you sure have been a busy
little beaver, haven't you?

Lord knows I try.

"Member of Phi Beta Kappa.

"President of
the Young Entrepreneurs Club.

"President of the
Young Businessmen's Club.

"President of the Alliance
of Young Entrepreneurs

and Young Businessmen."

Thank God someone finally
got them together.

Well, it wasn't
really that hard.

I'm the only member
of both clubs.

"Winner of
the McKinley Fellowship,

the Rotary Scholarship,
the Wilson Scholarship."

Alex, this is really impressive.

Seems like the only thing
you haven't won yet

is the Miss America contest.

Well, you know
that's all political.

I'm really glad that you'll be
a part of this study.

You mean I'm accepted?

Accepted?

Alex, you are
the classic overachiever.

You're the Babe Ruth
of overachievers.

Well, we can start on Tuesday.

The sessions will run
about an hour.

All right.

Of course, you'll be paid
for your participation.

Paid? Paid?

Come on.

Forget about it.

No, it's really not necessary.

It's reward enough for me to be
able to help a fellow student

in pursuit of
academic knowledge.

Well, it's $ a session.

The ad said a hundred.

No, no, it's a hundred
for schizophrenics

and for overachievers.

Uh, why?

Uh, what, are you getting

a two-for-one deal
on schizophrenics?

No, we just have variable rates

depending on
the particular study.

Now, we can begin...

The ad said a hundred.

No, I've got it right here.

Then... uh-huh...

You see, for schizophrenics,
for manic-depressives,

and for overachievers.

I don't believe this.

I'm-I'm being penalized
for being normal.

Anyone who merged
the Young Businessmen

and the Young Entrepreneurs
is not normal.

Ooh. Ooh.

What is that supposed to mean?

It means that
all of you overachievers

are exactly the same.

You know, all you care about

is how much money
you're getting paid.

Well, what happened to the idea
of helping a fellow student

in the pursuit
of academic knowledge?

I wouldn't exactly call

a psychology experiment
academic knowledge.

What's wrong with psychology?

Nothing, nothing.

Has its place, right up there

with all the other
make-believe disciplines.

Like anthropology, sociology...

my personal favorite,
women's studies.

Well, for your information,
Mr. Keaton,

psychology is
a very real discipline.

But of course,
I know it's not as exciting

as sitting in a business class,

learning how to
take over the world

in one huge
multinational merger.

All right, okay, all right.

Don't start knocking
business majors

just 'cause we don't have time
to sit around

and get in touch
with our feelings.

Oh, I know you don't.

That's 'cause you're too busy

getting in touch
with your brokers.

You leave my broker out of this.

I'll tell you what.

I don't know if you business,
economic, yuppie,

Republican overachievers
have any feelings

to get in touch with.

Oh! Oh, really? Oh, really?

Well, I've got a feeling.

I got a feeling that
this whole thing is a mistake!

See, I know
where this study is going.

You're trying to show that just
because I am an overachiever,

that I have no soul.

That all I care about is money.

Well, let me tell you something,
missy, you are wrong.

And I'm not doing this
for a penny less than .

Hey, sorry I'm so late.

How'd the psychology session go?

Oh, Ma, if you don't mind,
I'd rather not talk about it.

Sorry.

I had a great first day.

I'm taking this biology course,

and I thought
it'd be really boring,

but I found a way
to relate it to my major.

Found a way to relate biology
and fashion design?

Uh-huh.

My first... my first research
paper is gonna be called

"Darwin and the Survival
of the Best Fitted."

That's real interesting, honey.

My basic premise is that certain
animal species became extinct

for the same reason certain
types of clothes disappear...

they simply go out of style.

In other words, the dinosaur
and the leisure suit

suffered the same fate.

I-I think it's a little more
complex than-than that, Mallory.

See, the dinosaurs
became extinct because of

some very severe,
uh, climatic changes

in the Earth's temperature.

Exactly.

They didn't have
a good winter wardrobe.

Meanwhile, the mammals
are running around

in stylish fur coats,
so they survived.

(chuckles)

Yeah, that's great, honey.

That's the dumbest thing
I've ever heard.

There's no way that happened.

How do you know?

Were you there?

I've taken enough history to
know that the dinosaurs' problem

was not a lack of earmuffs.

What's your problem tonight?

Yeah, what's bothering you,
honey?

Did something go wrong
at the psychology session?

I go to see this girl,
this Lauren Miller girl, right?

The one, the one
that's conducting

the experiment on overachievers.

Anyway, things started out fine.

Said hello, you know,
exchanged a few pleasantries.

The next thing I know,

we get into this huge argument
about money.

Mm-hmm. In other words,
the same thing that happens

when you meet anybody.

Even though the ad clearly
stated $ per session,

she tells me that's
just for schizophrenics.

That's so typical of psychology:

I'm being paid less money 'cause
I only have one personality.

If that.

Then she starts accusing me

of being just like
all the other overachievers.

Um, only being interested
in money, and, uh...

and status, you know?

Not having time for the more
emotional areas in my life.

I'm telling you, nobody's
irritated me this much,

this fast, since
the first time I met Ellen.

Aw, come on...
I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking
I'm falling for this girl.

There's no way, that's not true.

Alex and Lauren,
sittin' in a tree...

Why don't you go put some
earmuffs on a dinosaur, Mal?

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Uh...

Oh, um... ye-yes, uh-hmm.

Just-Just a second.

Alex, it's Lauren Miller.

It is?

What does she... what...
what does she want?

She agrees to $ ,

and she wants to know
if you'll start Tuesday.

Uh, uh, just, uh...
tell-tell-tell her I'm eating.

All right? No! Um...

Uh, tell her, uh...
tell her I'm in the shower.

No. No, um...

Uh, tell-tell her
I'm eating in the shower.

You know, I think he
might be able to get

that schizophrenic
rate after all.

Yes, Alex is coming back.

I know how you feel about him.

(sputters)

(knocking on door)

Alex P. Keaton, overachiever.

(shrieking)

Hey, Chester.
How you doing, buddy?

What-What does it mean

when he holds up his
middle finger like that?

Exactly what you think it means.

Oh.

Look, Alex,
before we get started,

I'd like to officially apologize
for my behavior the other day.

It was... it was
very unprofessional.

Well, I'd like to
apologize also.

I-I didn't mean to
slander psychology.

It's definitely better
than women's studies.

And I'm sorry I criticized

your incredible, all-consuming
money obsession.

Not your normal exchange
of apologies but, uh...

it's all we got.

- Shall we get to work, then?
- Sure.

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait...

I... I don't want to harp on
this money issue,

but if you're going to
electrocute me,

I'd like another $
for my family.

Alex, this is just
a polygraph machine.

If someone displays undue
tension or an increase in pulse

when answering a question,

the machine buzzes, and I know
they're not telling the truth.

Does it really bother you?

No, no, absolutely not.

Absolutely not. Uh...

- I got nothing to hide.
- (polygraph buzzes)

Oh, good. It's working.

Now, first I'd like to
ask you a few questions

to see how well you'll fit in

with the rest of
the subject group.

Now, politically, would you
describe yourself as liberal,

middle of the road,
or conservative?

Uh, well, I-I... I don't really
like political labels.

(polygraph buzzes)

Conservative.

Thank you.

Okay, overachievers...

they tend to meticulously plan
out every aspect of their lives,

from graduation to retirement.

Do you see yourself
as an obsessive planner?

What, me?

- No.
- (polygraph buzzes)

Well, I-I wouldn't
say "obsessive."

(polygraph buzzes)

I'm a planning maniac.

Now, the typical overachiever

is so focused on
classes and career

that there's not
much time left for dating.

Would you say you have
a very active social life?

An... active...
active social life.

Yeah. Are you actively dating?

(exhales)

Well...

I go out on a couple
of dates a week.

- Maybe more.
- (polygraph buzzes)

This particular week
was a little slow.

(polygraph buzzes)

This particular year
was a little slow.

(polygraph buzzes)

You're lucky you don't
have one of these

strapped to you in real life.

Look, I'm just... I just...

I'm not very good
at sitting here

and answering these
personal questions, you know?

Uh, maybe if it was a little
more of a give and take.

You know, maybe if
I asked you some questions?

Okay, but Alex, I'm not the one
that's being studied here.

I'm not the overachiever.

Hey, come on,
you can't be doing too bad.

I mean, not everybody gets to do
an honors thesis in psychology.

Well, that's different.

Psychology's always come
very naturally for me.

Even when I was a kid, I was...

You really don't
want to hear about this.

No, no! I do, I do!
I... really.

It'll-It'll-It'll make us more
comfortable with each other.

I'll be able to lie in
a much more relaxed fashion.

I remember when I was a kid,

my mother came into my room
and she was screaming at me,

'cause I'd made this
huge mess in the kitchen.

Thanks.

She must have yelled
at me for about an hour,

and when she finished, I just...

I looked at her
very calmly and said,

"So how does that
make you feel, Mom?"

That must have driven her crazy.

And the crazier she got,

the more interested
I became in psychology.

All my girlfriends
had pictures of

David Cassidy and John Travolta

in their... in their
lockers at school.

I had this big picture of Freud.

All my friends had pictures of
Jaclyn Smith, Farrah Fawcett...

and, uh, I had this
big picture of Pat Nixon.

Um, now that we're more relaxed
with each other,

let's get back to work, okay?

Yeah, how about...
how about you, uh, Lauren?

Are you actively dating?

That's an area of my life
that's in a holding pattern.

I wish I could be as
analytical about love

as you overachievers, but...

I guess you could say that

I'm in the "hopeless romantic"
category.

Right.

You know, I don't think that

we're gonna get
a lot done today.

Why don't we just wrap it up?

Or we could just continue
talking about this informally.

Uh, maybe over a cup of coffee?

Coffee?

I don't know.

Is this a beverage problem?

No, I just...
we've just got such a great

psychologist-overachiever
relationship, and I'd...

- I'd hate to see that change.
- Right, I understand.

Anyway, I've got a class
in a couple of minutes.

Sure.

Oh, by the way, Alex...

I'd like to come by your house
sometime this week

and talk to your family.

I like to get a firsthand look

at each overachiever's
home environment.

I'll see you.

Just what I need.

A psychologist
who makes house calls.

Oh, great, good,
everybody's here.

Now is a good time
for us to go over

what we're going to say
when Lauren gets here.

No, Alex, I know exactly
what I'm gonna say.

I've been waiting years

to discuss you with someone
in the mental health field.

Look, Mal, you got
to be very careful

what you say to a psychologist.

That's why I've, uh, drawn up
some appropriate comments...

for all of you.

"Alex is more than a son.

"He's a friend.

"A companion.

"Someone with whom I can
spend many happy hours

discussing politics, world
affairs and current events."

Alex, I'm afraid
if I read this aloud

I'll be struck by lightning.

Mom...

"Mom, please read the 'Alex is
more than a son' speech

if Dad refuses to."

"When I think of Alex,
three words come to mind:

Integrity, intelligence,
intellect."

And, of course,

the soon-to-be-added
"institutionalized."

No improvising.

"The thing I love
best about Alex

is that whenever
I have a problem, he's around."

You are never
interested in my problems.

Where does it say
I'm interested?

It says I'm around.

There's a psychologist
out there.

Good, there's
a crazy person in here.

Lauren. Uh... uh, um...

Everybody,
this is Lauren Miller.

Lauren, this is
my father Steven Keaton,

- My mother Elyse Keaton...
- Hi, Lauren.

- Hi.
- Uh, my sisters Jennifer,

Mallory and I guess
you met Andy.

I really want to thank you all

for taking the time
to talk with me.

I always find that visiting
the home of an overachiever

gives me a special perspective.

You should see what
living with one does.

STEVE:
Well, uh...

why don't we go
into the living room?

You know, uh, Lauren,

Alex is more than a son, he...

I can't do it.

Andy! Andy, Andy.

How's it going in there, buddy?

I'm not sure.

What does "straight jacket" mean?

So I said, I don't care
how much interest

a money market is making, Alex.

I don't think it's a very
nice gift for Grandma.

Lauren! Lauren!
Uh, Lauren...

Uh, can I speak
to you for a minute?

Sure. What's up?

Nothing.

Uh, we just... we never really
had a chance to say hello.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Uh, so how's it going in there?

Well, the only thing
I can tell you for sure

is that you're not normal.

But other than that,
there's no sign of

a severely maladjusted id,

or a wildly fluctuating ego.

Which in Freudian terms means...

They're the two elements
balanced by the superego.

How did you know that?

Uh, well, I-I, uh...

I took some Freud out of
the library the other day.

I just figured since you were...
you were spending so much time

uh, trying to figure me out,

I'd, um, I'd see
what made you tick.

Uh, actually,
the interesting thing is

this Freud's
a pretty amazing guy.

Although I do think he's a
little too sexually oriented.

Really?

That's kind of what
I liked about him.

I'm really surprised
you did that, Alex.

It's a very non-overachiever-ish
thing to do.

Yeah, well, I felt pretty
non-overachiever-ish

when I did it.

I'm gonna get back inside.

Yeah, Lauren?

What?

You be careful on your way
into that living room.

Thanks.

I will.

I guess you could say
I've always wanted to excel.

I mean, even as a young boy.

But it wasn't so much the
winning that mattered to me...

(polygraph buzzes)

...it was the pure enjoyment
of the competition.

(polygraph buzzes)

And I've always felt,
in my heart...

(polygraph buzzes)

You know, the amazing thing is

it's not even on.

All right, I think I've had
enough abuse for one day.

Okay, that was a great session.

Thanks.

You know, I had a terrific time

talking to your family
the other day.

They really seem to
love you a lot.

You sure it was my family
you were talking to?

They gave me a lot
of great information.

And they told me about Ellen.

Oh, yeah.

Do you mind discussing her?

Because if you'd rather not...

Oh, no, no, no... no problem.

No, I... I love
to talk about Ellen.

What do you want to know?

Well, psychologically speaking,
it's interesting

that you should be
in a relationship

with a girl like Ellen.

I mean, considering
that most overachievers

look for other overachievers
to go out with.

I mean, she was an artist,
wasn't she?

Uh, yeah, an artist...

dancer, a poet...

yeah, we were
complete opposites.

Why did you break up?

Oh, she got a dance scholarship
in Paris.

I got one, too, but...

Do you miss her?

(sighs)

Sure... yeah.

I-I miss her in the way that you
miss a close friend, you know?

I mean, Ellen...
Ellen taught me a lot.

She taught me how
to appreciate art.

Or... at least not
to laugh at it so much.

She taught me...

She taught me how to come out
of my emotional shell.

You know? Be more...
more giving.

More open.

More caring.

Made me a better person.

Alex, what you just said
was really beautiful.

I mean, it was almost poetic.

Well, that hardly
seems possible.

Nothing rhymed.

It just doesn't add up.

I mean, on the surface, you're
this business-oriented,

money-minded, conservative guy,

yet you fell
for a girl like Ellen,

and expressed those kind
of feelings.

You're definitely the most
complex overachiever I know.

How many of us do you know?

Well, I've interviewed
people so far.

And I was going out
with this guy

who definitely qualified
as an overachiever.

You-you and an overachiever?

That seems biologically
impossible.

He was a graduate student
in business management.

And you let him go?

Well, we went out
for almost a year.

It was sort of like your
relationship with Ellen.

We were also complete opposites.

But we did have some good times.

What happened?

Got a job offer from a big
investment firm on Wall Street,

his own office
and $ , a year to start.

So he left.

Well, you can't
really blame the guy.

I don't blame him.

It was mutual...
I mean, I-I...

I got tired of interpreting
his dreams.

They were always about BMWs.

Uh, so, you, uh, you haven't
seen anybody since then?

Alex, how come you're the one

that always ends up asking me
the questions?

I'll share
my hundred bucks with you.

Seventy-five.

Don't be so hung up on money.

No, I haven't seen
anybody since then.

I guess you can say
I've been kind of wary

- about getting involved.
- All right.

Have you seen anybody
since Ellen?

No.

I guess you could say
I've been pretty wary myself.

- I guess it's best that way.
- Yeah, I mean...

that way nobody gets hurt.

Exactly.

Although, um...

although, sometimes if you take
the chance of getting hurt...

you could be surprised.

That's true.

Look, Alex, I got some research
I want you to comment on.

Right.

I mean, I had some research I
wanted you to comment on.

- I got it, here.
- No, no, I got it.

No, let me get it...

Got it; I got it.

Uh... Lauren, look,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I-I didn't,
I didn't mean to kiss you.

I was, I was helping you
with the papers

and your lips got in the way.

It's okay; this is really
interesting stuff here.

It's... you'll hardly
be able to put it down.

- Alex, I got to go.
- Lauren, uh...

Lauren, wait a minute, um...

Look, uh, we were
just getting good at that.

- Is Alex home yet?
- Not yet, honey.

He still must be at school.

Oh. High school's gonna be
a lot rougher than I thought.

This algebra course is a k*ller.

Well, maybe
we can help you, Jen.

I think I better wait for Alex.

Wait a minute. Wait a min...

You're sitting here, uh, with
two college graduates.

I'm sure we can handle it.
Right, Elyse?

I think we should wait for Alex.

Give me a shot.

I'm not optimistic
about this, Dad.

Go ahead; I'm listening.

"There are two trains.

"If the first train's
destination is

"a thousand miles away,
and it travels at a speed

"of miles an hour
for two hours,

"making three stops
of ten minutes each,

"at what point will it pass a
train coming from miles away

"in the opposite direction,
traveling miles an hour,

making stops of ,
and ten minutes?"

(sighs)

There-there are
two trains, right?

I'll send Alex up
when he gets home.

Thanks.

Hey.

Alex, when you have a chance,

Jen could use some help
on an algebra problem?

Yeah, I'll go up in a minute...
can I talk to you guys?

- STEVEN: Oh.
- Sure, what's up?

I did something
incredible today.

Something I told myself
I'd never do.

You helped a Democrat
cross the street?

Worse.

You see, it happened during

one of my research sessions
with Lauren.

Um... we were talking,
you know,

this, that, you know,
and, uh, um...

Anyway, one thing and another,
you know...

Well, what happened
after you kissed her?

I-I, I, I fumbled out
a little apology.

I mean, it was a little kiss.

It was a little nothing.

And then-then,
then she kissed me.

A big one.

Nearly tore the ligaments
in my neck.

And, uh, and then-then-then
she just ran out of the room.

And you haven't seen her since?

Well, judging
by my romantic history,

she's probably on a plane
for Paris right now.

They have that
regularly scheduled

"Au revoir, Alex" flight.

Alex, does Lauren know
how you feel about her?

I don't know how
I feel about her.

I mean, on one hand, I can't
stop thinking about her.

And on the other hand,
I'm just not ready

for this kind
of relationship right now.

Hey, what's going on?

Oh, we're, uh, having
a private discussion, Mal.

Great. What's it about?

Private... meaning I'd rather
not discuss it with you.

Alex, why won't you share some
of your emotional life with me?

After all, there's so little
of it to go around.

Because, Mal, whenever I tell
you something personal,

it's instantly transmitted up
to some big gossip satellite

in the sky,
and then beamed back down

into the otherwise empty heads
of your rumor-mongering friends.

Alex, I won't tell a soul;
I promise.

(clears throat)

Well, there's-there's an outside
possibility

that I may have developed
something other

than a professional relationship
with Lauren.

Oh, I've already spread
that gossip.

How do you know?

Because you always wear
that-that blue sweater

when you want to impress a girl.

The one with the monogrammed
"APK" on it.

It's totally wrong for you,
by the way.

Makes you look like
a big, blue bath towel.

That's the look
I was going for, Mal.

Well, congratulations.

Anyway, this whole thing is
complicated by the fact

that Lauren has already been
through a bad experience

with another guy.

Well, then that's perfectly
understandable behavior

coming off a breakup.

Mom's right.

I know if Nick was
suddenly out of my life,

I'd have a hard time starting a
relationship with somebody new.

You'll never know until you try.

No, I think what
I should do here is continue

with the sessions, you know?

Pretend that nothing happened.

Feel her out, and don't commit
until she commits.

Alex, I think you should
tell her how you feel.

Be as open and honest
as you can.

I can't be open
and honest with her.

She's a psychology major.

She'll see right through that.

We-we were just talking.

One thing lead to another
and then he kissed me.

No, I'm not gonna tell him
how I feel about him.

I don't even know
how I feel about him.

(knocking on door)

All right, here he is.

I want everything to be
completely business-like.

Maybe you should go.

Hello.

Hello.

Come in.

Got a lot of ground
to cover today.

- Why don't we get started?
- Fine.

Fine, I'm ready to work.

That's why I'm here.

Good.

Okay, last time we discussed
your childhood

and your scholastic career.

Today I'd like
to discuss your future.

Fine.

How do you picture your life
ten years from now?

Ten years from now?
Uh, let me see.

Um, well I'd probably
be a partner

in a major New York
banking firm,

making a quarter
of a million dollars a year.

Uh, I'll have a condo in
Manhattan,

beach house in Long Island,

house in-between.

For storage.

Uh... (exhales)

Couple of cars, a boat...

helicopter.

And a huge electrical fence
to keep poor relatives out.

How about you... how do you see
yourself ten years from now?

Alex, this is how
we get into trouble.

You start asking questions,
you throw me off track,

the next thing you know,
we're on the floor

and you're kissing me.

While we're on this topic,
let me just say

that while I was kissing you,
you were kissing me.

What happened
at our last session was

a very natural thing.

We were opening up emotionally
to each other,

things got a little out of hand.

It happens all the time.

Lauren, if that happens
all the time...

you're gonna be the most popular
psychologist in Ohio.

It's a very simple
psychological phenomenon

known as
"emotional transference."

It's well-documented
in the literature.

Look, I'll show you.

Try looking under "kiss."

"Transference...
the psychological carryover

"of learned emotional responses

"from one behavioral situation
to another.

See 'Kiss."'

I was just like it noted,
for the record,

that we were kissing each other.

It's duly noted.

Thank you, Miss Miller.

You're welcome, Mr. Kiss.

Well, now that we've gotten
that cleared up,

may we please continue?

Yes, ma'am.

Okay.

So far, you've got
a quarter of a million dollars

and a huge fence.

That's a very full life.

Are you married?

Definitely, definitely.

And what's your wife like?

She's a, she's a warm...

wonderful caring woman.

Who looks great
in an evening gown.

Understands my needs.

You know, my priorities
are her priorities.

You know, she's always there
for me, willing to listen.

You know, to stand behind me,
to support me, comfort me.

Uh-huh.

Where are you planning
to meet her,

at dog obedience school?

All right, what is that
supposed to mean?

Nothing, nothing at all.

It's just that she sounds
a tad subservient.

Subservient?

How is that subservient?

She'll have a key to the fence.

And I can just imagine what
your husband is gonna be like.

And what's that supposed
to mean?

Well, you'll probably have him
strapped to a polygraph machine.

Make sure all his feelings,
all his emotions are real.

That's right.
I'd like to be with a man

who's not afraid
to express his feelings.

What's wrong with that?

Absolutely nothing.

Why don't we give
Phil Donahue a call?

Well, let's just hope,
for your sake,

that in ten years,
Pat Nixon is available.

Oh, oh, now you're making fun
of Pat Nixon.

Is nothing sacred to you?

You know, I hope you
can make that fence

of yours real tall, Alex,
'cause I wouldn't want you

to see any part
of the real world by mistake.

You're telling me about
the real world?

A girl who holes up in
a psych lab

behind all her books and her
reports, judging other people.

Oh, good!

Things are finally
getting out in the open here!

Yeah, one more thing: You know,
I came here today thinking

that maybe,
by some incredible chance,

we might have something
together.

Boy, was I wrong.

You know, for your information,
I was wondering the same thing.

You know, I thought
you were different.

I must have been crazy.
You're just like all the others.

All right, okay, here we are,
back to the first day...

the big generalizations.

All of us overachievers
are the same.

All right, look, every response
is identical.

"I want a quarter
of a million dollars.

"I want a beach house.

I want a fence to keep
my relatives out."

You know, the biggest
distinction is whether

to get the Jaguar in black,
red or racing green.

They come in racing green?

You know, I'll tell you
this much.

The guy I fell for isn't
gonna plan his life out

according to some graph.

And his wife isn't going to be
a walking Barbie doll.

He's gonna be overwhelmed
with passion

and devastated by emotion

and exhausted by the intensity
of his love.

And I was overwhelmed and
devastated and exhausted.

I just freshened up
before I came over here.

I don't know why I bothered.

You know, I really
don't see any point

with going on
with these sessions.

No, that's great...
why don't you just send

the check to my house,
all right?

Of course.
You'll get your precious check.

Hey, Chester, don't ever evolve.

It's not worth it.

- STEVEN: All right.
- (Elyse and Andrew chatting)

STEVEN:
Hey.

ALEX:
Hey, where's everybody going?

We're taking Andy
to see Snow White.

Snow White.

There was a gal.

Not too many like her anymore.

Sweet, pretty...

Whistled while she worked.

Easy, son, the woman's animated.

Yeah, at this point, Dad,
I'd be willing to settle.

What's the matter with you,
Alex?

You don't look too great.

Things, things didn't work out
between me and Lauren.

Alex, I'm so sorry.

You must have worn
the blue sweater.

I appreciate your concern, Mal.

This just isn't a fashion issue.

You want to go to the movie
with us, Alex?

The popcorn's on me.

Come on along, Alex.

Indulge your Snow White
fantasies.

Yeah, Alex, you could pretend
to be the eighth dwarf... Greedy.

Thanks, anyway, guys.

I'm not really in the mood
for a fairy tale right now.

Anyway, they're replaying

President Reagan's news
conference from this afternoon.

I thought you said you weren't
in the mood for a fairy tale.

- ALEX: Ah...
- ELYSE: Ah, ha-ha.

Just kidding.

Okay, we'll see you later.
- Bye-bye. - Bye-bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Hey, wait...
Mom, I thought you were going.

Well, to tell you the truth,

I'm a little fed up
with Snow White.

I mean, she's just so passive.

You know, lying around waiting
for some prince

to come and give her a kiss.

What kind of role model
is that for women today?

I think she should go to school,
get a degree,

start a business
and hire a prince.

Then she could kiss him
whenever she wants.

- Settle down.
- Oh...

I can't imagine what's
gonna happen

when they rerelease Bambi.

I'm all right. I'm fine.

How are you doing?

- You mean about Lauren?
- Mm-hmm.

(sighs)

I don't know, I, I figure
if it was meant to be,

it would have happened by now.

I've known you
a long time now...

that doesn't mean
I fully understand you;

doesn't mean
I even have a clue...

but I-I-I do know one thing:

You are not the kind of person

who sits around and mopes
and casually takes defeat.

I'm just, I'm trying to look
at it philosophically, you know?

I mean, it's just part of...
part of growing up.

It's part of
the maturing process.

Why doesn't she love me?!

I'm not the one to ask, honey.

I love you very much.

It's not the same.

I'm well aware of that.

But I have been thinking,
you know?

You really seem to have
a passion for this girl Lauren.

If I were you,
I'd-I'd get the hell over there.

Thanks, Mom.

Tell Lauren your mommy sent you.

Alex.

- Hi.
- Hi.

You busy?

No. Come on in.

Thanks.

This is a surprise.

Yeah, well, my mommy sent...

Uh, so, this is your place, huh?

Yeah.

It's nice.

It's, uh, it's very nice.

Thank you.

This your family?

Alex, those are the Beatles.

You have heard of the Beatles,
haven't you?

Oh, hey, come on.

Just 'cause I'm an overachiever
doesn't mean I'm not hip.

No, I've heard of the Beatles.

We should go and see them
play sometime.

Good idea.

Look, Lauren, I don't want

to take up too much
of your time, okay?

I-I just came over
to say something,

and I'm gonna say it.

What is it, Alex?

Lauren...

Yes, Alex?

Do you have the correct address
to send my check to?

Yeah, I've got your check.

Great.

- Well, thanks.
- Uh-huh.

Just, uh...

I guess that's, that's it.

Yeah, I guess so.

I mean, I got
what I came for, so...

Yeah.

Well, see ya.

Yeah... Yeah, I'll see ya.

Look, Lauren, this check
is not what I came here for.

What's the matter?
You wanted cash?

No, look, I was just thinking
about what you said to me

about, about how I plot out
every aspect of my life,

and all I think about is money.

Alex, I was upset
when I said that.

No, no, you were right.

See, after, after
Ellen and I broke up,

I ju... I just told myself

I wasn't gonna get involved
in any other relationships,

and, um, I'd just concentrate
on school and on career

and on making money,
and I thought I'd be happy.

And then I... met you...

...and those things just don't
seem like enough anymore.

They don't?

I mean, don't get me wrong;
I mean, I love money.

But you can't come home at night
and cuddle up with money.

You know, you can't sit down

and pour your feelings out
to money.

You can't take a romantic
moonlight walk

on the beach with money.

God knows I've tried.

There's just got to be more.

I just got to have someone
to care about.

Alex, what are you saying?

Lauren, uh...

you know how you have an image
of yourself

in your mind, you know?

And that, and that image is
of-of being,

being the best, you know?

Being the cleverest, the
happiest person that you can be.

Uh-huh.

I just feel like when I'm with
you, I can be that person.

I make you feel that way?

Lauren, I can't stop thinking
about you.

I, I want to be with you.

I want to hold you.

I want to open a joint
bank account with you.

I can't believe it.

It's true.

Lauren, I think I'm falling
in love with you.

That I can believe.

It's the part about
the joint bank account.

Alex, you know when you said
that I was hiding

in my psych lab,
just making judgments on people?

You were right.
I have been hiding

because I was scared
of getting hurt.

But since you started coming in,
I felt incredibly alive.

Also annoyed, bothered
and frustrated,

but mostly alive.

Alive is good!

Those are good signs.

But, Alex, you know, maybe we
shouldn't go so fast, though.

We should probably discuss

and try to place in some
perspective our...

What bank do you want
to start the account in?

I've always been partial
to First Federal.

Alex, you make me laugh.

No one's ever made me laugh
like you before.

Well, you know,
if you've read Freud's jokes

on the relation
of the unconscious,

- you'll find that humor is
really... - Uh-huh.

You know, if you want to make
a million dollars and have a car

and a boat and a plane,
I can live with that.

Don't forget
about the beach house.

Actually, a beach house
would be very nice.

I was hoping you didn't come by
here just to pick up your check.

Check? I couldn't care less
about that check.

MAN:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Ubu barks)