02x01 - Art of Salesmanship

[bunniefuu]

Announcer: robert young...

And jane wyatt.

With elinor donahue, billy
gray, and lauren chapin...

"Humorous sketch for
rafters club annual high jinks."

Yeah, that's good.

How long do you think it'll
take to knock this out, jim?

Oh, it shouldn't take
us any time at all.

We know what we want.
All we have to do now

Is get a good, funny
idea and then write it.

Heck, we got it lit.

Let's start putting
something down.

Uh... Uh, no.

These your girls? Yeah.

You know, mac, what we
need is a real funny idea.

That sketch they put on last year
got pretty tired before the end.

Very pretty.

Girls are nice.

But you're lucky
you have a boy, too.

There's something about a boy.

You know, I was always
sorry that I didn't have a boy.

Well, you should've
gotten married, mac.

Well, I figured that'd
be going too far.

But it seems like
when you have a boy

You have someone to
sort of... Carry on for you,

Carry on the name. Yeah.

Now, you've worked up a
good insurance business here,

And you have someone who'll
carry it on for you someday.

You know, mac, I've thought
about that a good deal.

Yes, I believe he has the spark.

I think we may have another
salesman in the family.

Must make a man feel great

To know that he has a son who...

Is that him with the lawn mower?

Yes, that's, uh, one
of his regular jobs.

Girls are nice.

A real funny idea.

Mac, you want to
type for a while?

Yeah, okay.

I don't know whether
that boy is naturally lazy

Or if he practices
it. What'd you say?

Oh, nothing.

Hey! Ha ha ha!

Maybe I got
something here! Yeah?

Listen. We take some of the
guys and dress them like women...

Put funny hats on them. You
know, like they did last year.

Then we'll give 'em some
funny stuff to say! Ha ha ha!

Real screamers!

Curtain's going up!

Here, you put it down.
I'm tired of typing.

All right.

Put what down?

The idea that i... Just had.

Uh... Yeah.

Besides, it's the same
thing they did last year.

We want something brand new.

Yeah.

Well, he finally got it started.

Hi, dad. Whatcha doin'?

Bud, I want to congratu...

Girls are nice.

Listen, jim, I've
been thinking...

I like your idea much
better than mine.

Why don't you knock
out a rough draft

And I'll help you
polish it up, okay?

Yeah, okay.

Just sit still. I can find
my way out all right.

As long as you're
hot on the idea,

You keep on working.

And I'll call you
in a couple of days.

So long. So long, mac.

What idea?

Well, how much work did
you two geniuses accomplish?

Heh. Not a whole lot.

Where's bud?

Bud? He's upstairs resting.

Resting? From what?

What's with that boy anyway?

I used to have such
high hopes for him.

But lately, I don't know,
there's no initiative, no drive.

Well, I get a little
disturbed once in a while.

But then I remember
what you always say...

That these things
are just phases

And they soon pass.

Well, this phase
is taking too long.

Gosh, I remember
when I was a boy,

I was out making my own way.

Not that I want him to earn
his own living, of course, but...

Kathy: mommy! Come here,
mommy! We've got a big package!

Package?

Oh, sweetie, what
do you got here?

I don't know yet. A
man just delivered it.

Well, who sent
it? And what did...

Well, what's that?

What's that?

This? Mother, what do you want

With a red plastic gravy boat?

There's a green one!
And a yellow one!

Golly! It's full of them!

Oh, it must've been
sent by mistake.

To whom was it addressed?

I forgot to look.

Oh, dear, kathy. How
many times have I told you

Not to rip packages open
until you know who they're for?

Well, it's from the...

Fleeger sales company
of scranton, pennsylvania,

If that helps any.

Hey! What's the big idea,
opening a guy's mail?

This is yours?

Oh, now I've heard everything.

A guy can't have any privacy
at all around this house.

Who opened it?

It was opened by mistake, bud.

We apologize.

Who opened it? That's
what I want to know.

I think there's a more burning
question before the house.

Just what are you planning to do

With a whole crate
of plastic gravy boats?

I'm gonna go into business.
I'm gonna sell them.

You are? Oh, dear.

Do we have to go through
that selling rigmarole again?

Now, wait, honey. Let's
not discourage him.

You have to admit,
it's a wide-open field.

I'll be there isn't a
family in springfield

With a red or blue
plastic gravy boat.

Well, you know what family
will end up with all of them.

Bud, I think you'd
better send these back

While they're still
in good condition.

Send them back?

But I'm gonna sell
them and make big money.

That's ridiculous? Ridiculous?

Well, what about
floyd harvey? Who?

Floyd harvey of
luverne, wisconsin.

He made $30 the first week.

Here, look at this ad.

There's floyd's picture.

"Earn big money in
your spare time." See?

Yes, I see it.
Now, listen, bud...

Floyd writes, "I
was a failure at 42."

And I'm starting out
younger than he is, too!

Yes, you're a
failure at only 14.

"I was broke and hungry
when I saw your ad.

"That was my lucky day.

"My first batch of durable,
heavy-duty plastic gravy boats

Sold like hotcakes."

Hey! Cut that out!
You'll break them!

I'm not hurtin' the
dumb old thing!

Doggone it, I never get any
cooperation around here at all.

Now, wait, bud.

I'm for this. Well, I'm not.

I say send them back right now.

But I can't. It says right in
the ad you can't return them.

Besides, I'd lose my investment.

Investment? Did you
send him some money?

W-well, i... I had to.
It was the only way...

How much?

Well, when you
consider floyd made $30...

How much?

Mm, $9.

Where did you get $9 from?

Well, my savings bank
sort of fell on the floor,

And it sort of broke.

Well, that's the end.
That's all, I give up.

You and your father
will just figure out

How to get that money back.

Well, I can't get
the money back.

Well, the best way I know of
to get your money back, bud,

Is to get out and
sell those things.

That's what I want to
do. I know I can sell them.

Of course you can.

In fact, I've already
sold one to mrs. Phillips.

I just told her to buy it, and
she bought it sight unseen.

Good. Only took me 3
minutes to make the sale.

Of course, I can't expect
to do that good every time.

No, hardly.

I'll have to allow myself
five minutes per sale.

Don't waste your time figuring.

Just go out and
do it. Okay, dad.

And remember, son,
you're a salesman...

Just like... Well, you know who.

You bet I know, dad.

Like floyd harvey.

Well, sure, honey, I'll admit

That plastic gravy boats are
kind of an odd thing to sell,

But the point is he's
doing something.

And he's doing it on his own.

Well, that's fine.
But let's face it...

He's no salesman.

No salesman? That's
the one thing he is.

It's in his blood.

Well... It is.

Here, sir, we have... Exhibit a.

Magic varnish remover.

Takes off all varnish,
puts on new coat...

All with one magic application.

Bud sold one
bottle... To mrs. Davis.

Or rather, I did. Unbeknownst
to bud, I call myrtle.

And even then, I had to practically
push him all the way to the house

To make the sale.

Honey, I know all
this... I'm not through.

Come on.

What's that?

Imported bare root...
Japanese nectarine trees.

Well, he sold two of those.

Both to mrs. Myrtle davis.

Oh, I had to talk awfully fast

To sell her on this little item.

Honey, I know all this.

But he's older now.
And you can't deny

That the one thing he always
comes back to is selling.

When I was a kid, I
could sell anything.

And I think he's
gonna be just like me.

You mean you want
him to be like you.

Well, no, that's not it.

Dear, he's not the
aggressive type. He's shy.

Maybe he'd make a good
architect or engineer.

But not a salesman.

Well, I'm not the loud,
aggressive type, either.

But I consider myself
a pretty fair salesman.

And one day you're gonna see
bud take over my insurance agency.

Bud? You bet. He'll
carry on for me.

A man's son is an
extension of himself.

Selling was born
in him, margaret,

And salesmen are born, not made.

One day, he'll...

Well, gosh, I can't
sell this old junk.

Yes, you can, son. You can!

No, I can't. I've tried, dad.

I just haven't
got what it takes.

Son, you don't
know what you have.

Yes, I do. I have five
dozen plastic gravy boats

And no place to put them.

Confidence... That's
what you need, bud.

Confidence. Now, stand up
straight, puff out your chest,

And say, "I'm the greatest
salesman in the world!"

And believe it. Think it,
live it, breathe it, sleep it.

Can you do that? Well, sure.

The only thing I
can't do is sell.

Don't say that.

Look, son... Say,
"I'm bud anderson.

I'm james anderson, jr."

I know who I am, dad.
That isn't my problem.

I just can't sell.

Bud... It's just
not for me, dad.

Not my field.

I'm a square peg
in a round hole.

That square peg business
is just a rationalization.

It's a what? Look, son...

Maybe you need to
improve your technique.

Now, stand up and...

Come on, stand up.
We're gonna practice.

Gosh, dad, I can't do it.

You can do anything if
you just put your mind to it.

Now, come on.

But, dad, I know there's
nothing to be afraid of,

But every time I
go up to a house,

I get all shaky inside.

My brain sort of freezes up.

When I ring a doorbell, I
hope and pray nobody comes.

Sure, I know all about that.

But that's something
you have to get over.

And the best way to do that is
to practice on someone who...

Jim: oh, betty. You're
just in time. For what?

Bud's gonna practice
his salesmanship on you.

She doesn't want a gravy boat.

Make her want it.

Do you want one? No!

See, dad? I can't sell.

But you're not selling.

Here, look.

First, you give her a big smile.

Then you say, "how
do you do, madam?

"May I have a few minutes
of your valuable time

To show you one of the newest products
from the magic world of plastics?"

I'll take two dozen.

Well, wait till I
tell you what it is.

If it's gravy boats,
cancel the order.

Well, anyway, that's
a good opening.

You've gained her
interest and goodwill,

And now you're ready
to show her the product.

And tell her how
wonderful it is.

Isn't that kind of crooked?

Not if you believe it.

Now, you go outside
and ring the bell.

Oh, gee, dad, I don't want to
do a cornball thing like that.

I'd feel silly.

I know it seems silly.

But these things are
all a part of selling.

You should practice them until
they're second nature to you.

Do I have to do this?

Mm-hmm. Remember... Big smile,

Lots of pep, confidence.

Who came in?

No one. Bud just went out.

He's gonna ring the bell
and practice his sales talk.

You don't give
up easily, do you?

A good salesman never gives up.

I'll tell you what. You
go in the living room,

And I'll send him in
there. He can work on you.

You'll make a good guinea pig.

You say the sweetest things.

Bud?

Bud. What are you doing?

Oh. Well, I'm trying to
remember my opening words.

"How do you do?"

Oh, yeah.

Come on, get up
here. Let's try this.

Okay.

How do you do, madam?

Madam?!

If a man answers the
door, you say "sir".

But you told me to say "madam".

Oh, boy.

Well, what do you
want, young man?

Well, my time is valuable,

And, uh... The,
uh, magic world...

Well... These are nice.

Uh, maybe you'd better...

Talk to my wife about that.

Oh? Is that your
wife in there, madam?

Yes.

Yes, young man?

Uh, well, my time
is, uh, valuable.

But I've got this
thing here. It's a...

Mommy, can I pop some corn?!

Shh. Dear, bud's
rehearsing. Go on, dear.

Well, what I'm
selling, uh, is these.

They're, uh...
They're gravy boats.

And, uh, you put
gravy in them, and so...

If you've got some gravy...

You... You can...

Will somebody get
her out of here?

Yes, kitten, leave him alone.

And, bud, stand up straight.

Look her in the eye,
give it some enthusiasm.

Now, go on.

I haven't got
anything else to say.

Well, what are they made of?

Plastic.

Don't tell me. Tell her.

Plastic.

Oh, bud! You're not even trying!

Doggone it, dad! I told
you I couldn't do it!

Bud, wait a minute.

Son...

You're not only
letting yourself down.

You're letting me down, too.

I told your mother
you could do this,

And I'm banking on
you to come through.

Dad, if it was only
something I could handle...

You can and you will.

I think I'll give
you a goal, a quota.

Give you something to sh**t for.

When I come home tomorrow night,

I want to see ten
sale slips all made out.

Ten? Ten.

And then every night after
that, I want to see ten more

Until they're all sold.

But, dad... Son...

I know you're not
going to let me down.

Well, I have to get
some ideas together

For a show I'm writing.

Good night, son.

Jim: hi, honey.

Oh, it's getting late. Don't you
think you ought to go to bed?

Yeah, pretty soon.

I haven't made very
much progress.

I can't seem to
get my mind on it.

I keep thinking about bud.

Jim, don't you think you've
been a little hard on him?

I had to, honey,
for his own good.

It's the only way
he'll find himself,

Find out what he can really do.

Are you going to stick
to that quota business?

I have to now. If I back
down, we'll both lose.

Look, don't worry.

All he has to do is
sell that first one,

And the rest is easy.

He'll make his quota.

The first one will do it? Sure.

You run along to bed.
I'll be up in a minute.

All right, dear.

Hello, mr. Davis?
Can I speak to myrtle?

Ha ha! What's the matter,
afraid to go up there?

No, of course
not. I'm not afraid.

Sure was acting like it.

Want me to do it for you? No.

Bet you I could do it.
Give me your sales slips.

Beat it, will you?
This is my job.

Dad's banking on me
to bring home my quota.

Well, I just gotta
do it, just gotta.

Why don't you do it, then?

I'm going to.

Yes? Uh, well...

I'm... How do you do, madam?

I'm from the magic
world of plastic, and i...

That's fine. You
can just keep it.

Margaret, I'm home!

You don't have to shout.

Sneaking up on a fella, huh?

Hiya, bud.

How did it go today?

Hi, dad.

Did it go any better?

Was it any, uh,
easier this time?

Where are your ten sales slips?

Dad, i... I'm just
no good at it.

Oh, bud, what's the
matter with you anyway?

Did you try? Didn't
you sell any at all?

I sold one.

To whom?

Mrs. Davis.

Dad, I tried other
places! I... Dad!

No, dear, don't
wait dinner for me.

I have to finish
this sketch tonight,

And I can work here
better than I can at home.

Well, I have to, dear.
They're counting on me.

The show must go on.

No, it won't take me long.

Okay, dear. I'll see
you later. Good-bye.

Ohh.

Mac: jim! Hmm?

Ha ha! Hiya, boy!

How are you getting
along with it? Hi, mac.

Oh, I can hardly
wait till I read it.

If you've got it about done,

I'll take it home
tonight and read it.

Well, it's... It's not
quite done, mac.

In fact, it's never
going to be done.

I can't do this!

What's wrong, jim?

You've got the wrong
fella, that's what's wrong.

I can't do this sort of
thing. It's out of my line.

Well, jim...

It's just not for
me. Let's face it.

Oh, I know there's
nothing to be afraid of.

But I swear, every time I
look at that typewriter,

I get all shaky inside

And my brain seems
to freeze up, and...

Jim, what's the matter?

Where have I heard
those words before?

Hey, jim, you look like
you just saw a ghost.

No, mac, I just saw
something worse...

A picture of a shortsighted,
egotistical father.

And I don't like
what I saw. Huh?

I'm going home, mac.

Well, what about the sketch?

You write it. I have something
more important to write.

I'm gonna right a
wrong I've committed.

Oh, uh, lock up
before you leave.

Bud, i... Jim, what is it?

Margaret, where's bud?

I don't know. He came
home after school,

Then left without a word, and
didn't even come back for dinner.

Oh, this is all my fault.

I don't know where I
ever got the brilliant idea

Trying to force him
to be a replica of me.

I might have at least picked
a better example for him.

What's this?

"To dad."

Honey, these are
the sales slips!

He made his quota!

Mrs. Jane johns, mrs.
John jane, mrs. Jane jones...

Mrs. John smith.

Oh, for pete's sake. He
made up every one of these.

Betty: hey, anybody home?!

Upstairs, betty! In bud's room!

Wait. "Dad, here are my
ten sales slips for today.

I'll have the money
for them later tonight."

Where's he gonna get the
money? He hasn't got a nickel.

Hi. Say, can you tell
me what's with bud?

I know only tried to force a
square peg in where it didn't fit,

But I put him in a position
where he has to lie about it.

If you're talking about
bud, maybe you can tell me

What he's doing
down at the drive-in.

The drive-in?

Ralph and I were down
there having a malt.

We saw him out in the
back with this big apron on.

I called to him, but he hid.

So that's where the money
for these is coming from.

Heh. It's a funny thing.

A front door
scares him to death.

But I'll bet even floyd harvey

Doesn't have bud's
kind of courage.

I'll see you later, honey.

I'm going to the drive-in.

Exactly what was
he talking about?

He's simply revealing
that he's wise enough

To know when
he's made a mistake,

And big enough to admit it.

He's a pretty
sweet old knothead.

Pardon me. Is this
the bus depot?

Hi, dad. Hi.

Nice place you have here.

What time do you go to work?

About 4:00.

It's 10:00 now. Any
time off for dinner?

Uh-uh.

Well, that's six hours.
How much they paying you?

70 Cents an hour.

Well, that more than makes it.

Account paid in full.

Huh?

Don't just stand
there. Get me a towel.

We'll polish off these
kids in short order.

Then, as soon as we're finished,
I'll tell you what let's do.

Let's us square pegs
go force ourselves

Into a big round booth

And have ourselves
a big square meal.

How about it?

You're the salesman. Heh!