02x15 - Free Spirit

[bunniefuu]

♪♪ [Humming]

♪ You take the good
You take the bad ♪

♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪

♪ You're growing
Now you know about ♪

♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪

♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪♪

Jo, hold it steady. This is
gonna be a tough repair job.

Not if you would do it
my way. Buy a new table.

Natalie, we gotta keep
studying for your Spanish test.

We have been studying
for my Spanish test for hours.

Now we are going to take a
break with or without usted.

Ah. [In Spanish
Accent] Coca-Cola...

The same in any language.

Ah, how's it comin', Natalie?

My studying has ground to a
halt, but my nervous breakdown...

is progressing
nicely, thank you.

You'll do fine. Spanish has been
bringing down my grade average all year.

If I don't get at least
a "B" on this exam,

my mother's gonna
send a hit man after me...

My father.

This leg is still wobbly.

I know what it needs. [In
Spanish Accent] El mers.

- What's that?
- Elmer's. It's a glue. [Laughs]

I'll be back in a flash.

Let's go, Natalie.
Translate, uh...

"Nunca he visto
una corrida de toros."

I know I knew that.

Easy. "I have never
seen a bullfight."

- Jo, who taught you Spanish?
- Nobody.

Who needs to teach you when
they got graffiti in subway stations?

I also know some juicy words
in Polish, Portuguese and jive.

I believe that is
known as an ethnic slur.

No. It wasn't an "ethnic slur."

This is an ethnic slur:

"Blair Warner is a
rich, WASP nerd."

Excuse me. I'm
looking for Mrs. Garrett.

Uh, deliveries are made
through the kitchen.

You have to be Blair.

She sure does.
Nobody else wants to be.

Jo, right?

- And that leaves Natalie.
- Who are you, the Great Carnac?

And this must be Tootie,
the Rona Barrett of Eastland.

I pick up a lot more
dirt than she does.

Can I ask you a simple
question? Who are you?

He's Alex, Mrs. Garrett's son.
His picture's on her dresser.

Tell your mom to get a new
picture. Your eyes have gotten bluer.

This is really a kick,
getting to meet you girls.

Alex the musician.

Your mom didn't say you
were coming. I didn't tell her.

Don't move. I'll tell her.

So you're Alex... Alex who's recorded
with James Taylor and Billy Joel.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. It sounds
like you wrote my résumé.

That's because your mother's only
mentioned you a few million times.

Hmm. She's not
exactly ashamed of you.

She's told us about
your gigs and being...

♪ On the road again Makin'
music with his friends ♪

[Laughs]

Willie Nelson. Sharp.

You noticed. I'm into
that scene myself.

Oh, yeah? You write
songs? Actually, I write poetry.

But what's a song? A poem
backed up by a "la la la."

What are you doin', Tootie? I...

Alex!

- ♪ Who's the best mother
in the world ♪
- I am.

♪ How come ♪
I got the best son!

[Both Squeal, Laugh]

Oh! Mama!

Why didn't you tell
me you were coming?

I didn't know myself.

My ride to California decided
to go to New York instead.

Oh, I'm just glad that you're
here. [Laughs] [Laughs]

Oh! Oh, you're so thin.

Hey, Alex. Tell us about your
gig in Chicago with Neil Diamond.

[Scoffs] You told them?
Oh, I'm your mother.

How can I keep
somethin' like that a secret?

So, you know Neil Diamond?

Does anybody really
know Neil Diamond?

My mother does, very well. She
wrote me about his birthday bash.

Oh, yeah. That party was somethin'
else. The food was unbelievable.

And Neil jammed
with the band till dawn.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah. He'll never top that one.

- Is it true what they say
about Michael Jackson?
- Is what true?

Everything.

Now, girls, I know you wanna
ask Alex a lot more questions,

but I'm gonna be very selfish.

My son and I have a
lot of catchin' up to do.

And so does Natalie, ¿comprendo?

Oh, here, Jo. Would you
put that table leg in traction?

Oh, you got a table that needs
fixing? I'm kinda good at that stuff.

Oh, great. But first I wanna hear all
about your music. [Chuckling] All right.

We'll talk some more
later, huh? [Girls] Bye.

Bye! See you later.

[Sighs] He's full of
such wonderful stories.

It's not the only
thing he's full of.

- What do you mean, Blair?
- He doesn't know
Neil Diamond.

Come on. You don't party till
dawn with a perfect stranger.

There was no party. That's
what my mom wrote me.

It rained buckets, and it was
canceled because the tent fell in.

So? Alex is probably
talkin' about last year's party.

Those big sh*ts have
birthdays every year.

It's not just the party. It's...
Well, it's everything about him.

Look. I know a
phony when I see one.

You should. You spend
enough time lookin' in the mirror.

I wish I had something a little
more earthshaking to tell you,

but things have been
kinda quiet lately.

Oh, it'll get better.

Oh! By the way, I picked up that
Carly Simon album you played on.

Hmm. Healthy-lookin'
girl, isn't she?

Good strong teeth.

I guess you noticed my
name isn't on the record jacket.

So? Do they list the guy who plays
the cannon in the Overture?

[Both Chuckle]

Yeah, but still, if
you were part of it,

the least they could do is squeeze
your name somewhere on the jacket.

You'd make a great agent, Mom.

Hey, that reminds me.

Here's this month's check.
You'll save me a stamp.

I was kinda hoping that by
now I wouldn't need your help.

Oh, please. I'm your mother.

I'd rather have a piece of your
future than "a piece of the rock."

Well, I guess I am
making some progress.

People say I have a lot of the
qualities of Elton... even he said so.

Elton? You know Elton John? Well,
we've been to some parties together.

Maybe I'll look him up
when I hit the Big Apple.

Yes! Alex, you
should look up Elton.

Natalie, were you interrupting
us for something special?

Oh. Uhh, we're out
of brussels sprouts.

How can we be out
of brussels sprouts?

The truck from
Brussels was late?

Which reminds me
of a poem I wrote.

You wrote a poem
about brussels sprouts?

No, about fortune's fickle
fancy. You wanna hear it, Alex?

Sure. Maybe I
can set it to music.

- I was hoping you'd say that.
- Natalie,
your Spanish is calling.

Mrs. Garrett,

a person doesn't
live by español alone.

Poetry's really
where my head is at.

But Spanish is really
where your "B" is at.

Mrs. Garrett, you wouldn't wanna
squash someone's dreams, would you?

Hey, now. My mom
is no dream-squasher.

She supports mine %.

In fact, she supports
me %. You shouldn't...

But one day, I'll do
the supporting. I know.

You're gonna make me, Edna
Garrett, the First Mother of rock and roll.

You know it.

Elvis built Graceland for his mother,
and I'm gonna do the same for you.

Just imagine: Ednaland.

If you're gonna
dream, dream big.

And if you're gonna dream, dream in
Spanish. Now, vaya con Dios, my darling.

I could really learn to
hate Ricardo Montalban.

♪♪ [Waltz] "No, I
won't be a kid forever,

"but the thought
doesn't fill me with dread.

"When I leave the land of never-never,
I'll have so much living ahead.

"No, I won't be a kid forever.

"And sometimes that
causes me sorrow.

"But my future is
closer than ever,

and it's gonna be
a bright tomorrow."

♪♪ [Ending Flourish]

You got real
talent, Natalie. Yep.

Natalie, you've definitely
got an ear for lyrics. Thanks.

Fear was the inspiration for that
one. I wrote it in the dentist's chair.

I wanna hear all about
Donna Summer's clothes.

All I wanna hear is four girls
snoring. It's almost lights-out.

Alex, I'll show you
where you'll be bunkin'.

We'll pick up down
here, Mrs. Garrett.

How come you always do the volunteering,
and I always do the "picking-uping"?

All right, g*ng. You got exactly
four minutes and seconds to go.

You never change, Mom.
Good night, Mrs. Garrett.

Good night. Good night.

Did you ever hear
guitar playing like that?

Yes. It was at a
grammar school recital.

You never let
up, do ya? [Scoffs]

He's got you girls so snowed, you
were cheering when he tuned up.

You'd think Mrs. Garrett would
know mediocre when she hears it.

We don't care
what you think, Blair.

We think he's terrific,
and Mrs. Garrett does too.

Right, and she's the
one supporting him.

- She's what?
- Just until he makes it.

What's wrong with that? My parents
and I worked out the same deal.

You're . Alex is .

That's it. I have to
talk to Mrs. Garrett.

Uh, you don't have to, Blair.

He's taking advantage of her.
He's sponging off her. He's her son.

I'm tellin' you, Blair. Where I come from,
you poke your nose in family business,

and you wind up
breathin' through your ears.

You're not doing Mrs.
Garrett any favors.

Someone's got to tell
her her son's a fraud.

Hey, Alex. What are
you doing down here?

Just fixing this table for Mom.
What are you still doing up?

The girls wanted to go to sleep, and I need
to cram some more for my Spanish exam.

Are they still teaching
you useful, everyday

phrases like, "I have
never seen a fiesta"?

They're into bullfights now.

But bullfights make me nervous. I guess
I take 'em too personally. I'm a Taurus.

Gotcha.

My future's in words. I
wanna write the songs...

♪ That make the
whole world sing ♪

Barry!

I knew you'd know. And
I have this great idea.

- You know "The Battle Hymn
of the Republic"?
- The name rings a bell.

- You know what's wrong with it?
- What?

Should've been a love song.

That's certainly an
interesting approach.

Hey, you think you might be able to
help me work it out? Sure. Anytime.

How 'bout now? Well, I thought you
had a big Spanish exam to cram for.

I'm all crammed out. [Sighs]

Besides, conjugate one
verb, you've conjugated 'em all.

Well, I guess you
could use a little break.

I thought something like...

♪ My eyes have
shed so many tears ♪

♪ That they are all swol-len ♪

Uh... [Chuckles] you've got your
emphasis on the wrong syl-la-ble.

Oh. How 'bout...

♪ My eyes have swollen up
from all the tears that I have shed ♪

That's better. Keep going.

♪ They are red and they are
puffy and I must go right to bed ♪

Good night, Natalie. Don't
forget your Spanish, huh?

♪ When I lie there on the pillow
which props up my weary head ♪

♪ My love is marching
on Do do do do do do ♪♪

♪♪ [Humming]

Natalie? Where could
she be? Check outside.

Natalie? Oh.
She's in here, girls!

Ee-ooh! Natalie, wake up.

Five more minutes,
Mom. Five more minutes.

She must have
been here all night.

Looks like the library exploded
in here. No comprendo.

Aw, Natalie, I know that
today's test is important,

but you shouldn't worry so much about
your Spanish, you don't get any sleep.

Oh, I wasn't studying Spanish.

You mean, you stayed up
all night not to study Spanish?

I was working on a song. A song?

It better be "Lady of Spain."

I wanted to finish the lyrics
Alex and I worked on last night.

Alex? You were working on lyrics
with Alex instead of studying Spanish?

Natalie, I'm getting angry.

And I don't like to get angry,
'cause when I get angry, I start to yell!

So don't get angry.
[Screaming] It's too late!

You get your tail into your
uniform and get ready for that exam!

I'm not taking the exam. What?

Don't listen to her, Mrs. Garrett. She's
just whacked out from lack of sleep.

No, I'm not. If I'm
gonna be a lyricist...

which I am... I don't
need to take Spanish.

In fact, I don't need to take a
lot of the other junk I'm taking.

- Any junk in particular?
- Well, history for one.

No one writes songs
about the American

Revolution anymore.
"Yankee Doodle" said it all.

She's gone crazy. [Door Bangs]

Natalie!

Natalie, you've gone crazy.

Ever since Alex and I started
talking, I see my life a lot clearer.

This I gotta hear.

Alex said... and he
put it so well... [Sighs]

"Life is a school, and
experience is your best teacher."

How did he come up with that
one? He said you told it to him.

Oh.

Well, it made sense at the time,
but it lost something in the translation.

Mrs. Garrett, we creative
people are a breed

apart. We march to
a different drummer.

Hogwash. If you're
gonna march at all, you

have to put one foot
in front of the other.

When do I get to follow my dreams?
When do I get to do it my way?

When you pay your own bills and
stand on your own two feet, that's when.

- But Alex says...
- Alex is a great one to talk.

He's twice your age, and
still doesn't pay his own way.

- [Natalie] Alex says...
- Alex, nothing.

- You just get your butt upstairs
and get dressed for that exam.
- All right! I'm going.

But I'm gonna write a song about
how kids get pushed around today.

Then you'll really be sorry.

I don't know what's
happened to that child.

I do. Alex happened to her, and when
I see him, I'm gonna wring his neck.

What are ya so
steamed at him for?

How dare he come in here and
start messing up Natalie's life?

It's enough he's
messing up his own.

What do you mean he's messing
up his life? Alex is doin' great.

Great? He's a -year-old
struggling musician...

who's still being
supported by his mother.

You call that great? That's
exactly what I've been saying.

Blair, cool it.
You're outta line.

Mrs. Garret says we can
discuss anything with her,

and we don't have to
be embarrassed or afraid.

She was talkin' about
sex. This is personal.

It's one thing to put
your son through school,

but it's another to
put him through life.

It's wrong, and I know it!

Then why don't
you tell him that?

Why don't I tell him
that? Because I'm waiting

for him to realize it
and come and tell me.

Well, how come you can tell
Natalie to get her act together?

I can tell Natalie, because
she's not my own son.

I mean, what am I supposed to
say to him? "Son, stop dreaming.

You're not that great a
musician, so stop kiddin' yourself."

How can you say
that to your own child?

Good morning, everybody. ♪
Who's the best mother in the world ♪

- I'm not.
- Hey, Ma, that's not your line.

Well, it's time to
change the routine.

Girls, breakfast.
Alex, come here.

How dare you come in here and
twist that little girl's head inside out?

- What are you talking about?
- Because of you,

Natalie thinks she can walk outta here this
morning and become a success by Thursday.

- Well, sometimes that happens in my...
- Alex, stop it!

I mean, you are a bad influence
on my girls, and I will not have that.

- It's bad enough you're
wasting your own life.
- I'm not wasting my life.

Yes, you are. I am
working as hard as I can.

No, you're not!

Oh, my.

I'm just now realizing...

it's my fault.

Please forgive me.

Forgive you?
Forgive you for what?

I've always encouraged
you to dream.

But, Alex, there are dreams,
and there are fantasies,

and I never really
taught you the difference.

- What is the difference?
- You see? I told you
I never taught you.

- With hard work,
a dream might come true.
- And a fantasy?

A fantasy is when you sit back,
put up your feet and pretend.

Hey. Someone
fixed the coffee table.

Yeah. It just needed a C-clamp
and a couple of wood screws.

Nice job.

Thanks.

Oh, Alex, please.

I have to tell you
something. [Snaps Fingers]

So far, your being a musician
has been a fantasy. Oh, yes.

And if you wanna make it a dream...
a dream that might come true...

You're gonna have to stand on
your own two feet and work for it.

So... - So... - So, from now on,

no more bread.

In fact, that last check
was the heel of the loaf.

- You're cutting me off?
- Don't make it sound so awful.

It is awful. It's
terrible. It's k*lling me.

I have this vision of you
in a rat-infested hovel,

even thinner than you are
now, wearing rags... [Sobs]

well, worse rags.

Is this a final decision?

Yes, because I love you.

Thank God.

What?

Now I won't have to
lie to you anymore. Lie?

About all the recording
sessions I wasn't really in on...

and all the people I never met,

like Donna Summer
and Neil Diamond.

And Carly Simon?

Oh, no. Carly I really know.

But I wasn't in any of
her recording sessions.

Actually, I... built a big wall
unit for her stereo system.

See, I've been hangin'
around a cabinet shop...

in between all of my...
no gigs. [Chuckles]

See, here's a picture of it.

You? Yeah.

This is beautiful. Well,
I used the best walnut.

See, it's got mitered
corners, recessed hinges,

solid brass fixtures, little
lights up in there. [Chuckles]

Oh! [Chuckles]

Why didn't you tell
me about all this?

Well, because I didn't want you to
think I got sidetracked from my music.

I know how you feel about
finishing something you start.

But you finished
this. It's magnificent.

But this doesn't
make me a musician.

So what?

So I've dreamed all my
life of being a musician.

Oh, but Alex, dreams can change.

And it's okay. Doesn't
mean you're a quitter.

My dreams changed.

I was a housekeeper who
wanted to see the world.

I did. The world was great.

Now I'm a nutritionist with a bunch of
girls who would run a mile from a carrot...

just to get to a
Twinkie. [Laughs]

And I love it.

Five years from now, who knows?

You mean,

you wouldn't be upset... if I
became a guitar-playing carpenter?

Self-supporting.

Upset? It's your life.

I mean, if it makes
you happy, I'm happy.

Oh, Alex, whatever
you wanna do, do it!

[Both Chuckling]

[Sobs] Hey, and listen.

If you decide to be a carpenter,

you can really build
Ednaland for me...

with your own two hands.

Oh. Oh, my God.

♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪

♪ And enjoy the
fun of managing ♪

♪ The facts of life
They shed a lotta light ♪

♪ If you hear 'em
from your brother ♪

♪ Better clear 'em
with your mother ♪

♪ Better get 'em right
♪ Call her late at night ♪

♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪

♪ All you gotta do to get
you through is understand ♪

♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪

♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪♪