02x06 - Shoplifting

[bunniefuu]

♪♪ [Humming]

♪ You take the good
You take the bad ♪

♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪

♪ You're growing
Now you know about ♪

♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪

♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪♪

When I get married,
I'm not gonna do dishes.

You won't have to. You
and your husband'll just

eat the chicken right
out of the bucket anyway.

How would you like a
finger-lickin' good trip to the moon?

Can you carry on a conversation
without sounding like Sylvester Stallone?

Better Sylvester
Stallone than Miss Piggy.

You two fight so well. Have you ever
thought of becoming Middle East countries?

Jo is just jealous.
[Clicks Tongue]

'Cause you have money?
[Chuckles] No, thanks.

I don't want to be
anything that isn't human.

She wasn't born, you know. She was
withdrawn from a Swiss bank account.

[Laughs] I like that one!

Hey, you guys. You'll never
guess who's birthday's coming up.

Why should we guess?
You're gonna tell us anyway.

Well, if that's the
way you're gonna be,

I won't tell you that Mrs.
Garrett's birthday is tomorrow.

No kidding! Really?
How'd you find out?

Well, I just happened
to be passing her door,

and she just happened
to be on the phone.

And you just happened to
press your ear against the door.

You're sharp, Blair.

Anyway, she was talking
to one of her sons...

and saying how sorry she was he couldn't
be here to celebrate her birthday tomorrow,

and some other
stuff I didn't hear.

Oh, you mean, you decided
to mind your own business.

No, my earlobe
started hurting. Oh.

I wonder why Mrs. Garrett
didn't mention her birthday to us.

It's obvious, isn't it?

I mean, a woman her age doesn't
really want to advertise another birthday.

You're so right. It must be traumatic
for a woman to reach middle age.

I'm never gonna
reach middle age.

With these cheekbones,
I'll be forever.

Anyway, if Mrs. Garrett
doesn't want us to

know it's her birthday,
let's not bring it up.

Right. We don't want
to embarrass her.

[Jo] Shh. Cool it. Cool it.

Hi, g*ng. [Tootie,
Natalie] Hi, Mrs. Garrett.

Blair, how's the oven
coming? Wonderful.

You missed a spot.

Why do we need an oven anyway? I
mean, can't we just fondue everything?

Come on. Hurry up, hurry up.

Because for tomorrow night's
dessert, I'm making a birthday cake.

Oh, is it somebody's birthday?

Yeah, mine. Congratulations!

[Girls Chattering] Yeah.

Yeah, just because
cake isn't on my diet...

doesn't mean I can't blow out the
candles and make a birthday wish.

Gee, we thought you'd
want to forget your birthday.

Well, why would
I want to forget it?

Well, you might be a little
upset about being over the hill.

Sorry. Oh, that's okay, Tootie.

Maybe some people feel like they're over
the hill when they're my age, but not me.

And since I lost all this weight,
I feel more alive than ever.

Boy, you sure have a lot of pep
for an older person. Doesn't she?

I didn't mean older. I meant...
You know what I mean.

Hey, I am older,
and that's okay.

[Giggles] You got a
good attitude, Mrs. Garrett.

Well, I gotta walk over to
the administration office, and...

Oh, what the heck. I'll jog.

See you later, g*ng. Bye-bye.

Hey, we'd better figure out
what kind of present to get her.

You want to all chip in?

Uh, nothing personal, but
I think I'll get my own gift.

Yeah, right. You gotta remember,
we're talking to Princess Grace here.

It isn't that. It's just that, well,
I was born with good taste.

You're lucky. I was born bald.

Listen, you guys. If you'd like, I'll be
happy to buy Mrs. Garrett's present...

and just put your names on it.

Forget it! I've got my own
money and my own taste.

That's why I made the offer.

Well, I don't need your
help. I pay my own way.

How about you two?

I have some money too. You
want to get our own gift, Tootie?

Okay. I have some
of my allowance left.

Thanks, Blair, but we'll manage.

Yeah. If we go in together, we can
get a present just as nice as Blair's.

Whatever you say.

But if you have trouble scraping
enough together, the offer still stands.

I think I'll call Harrison's Department
Store and have them send something out.

Blair, what would you do
if you suddenly got poor?

I'd stop listening
to E.F. Hutton.

Look, we don't need her
to get a present for us.

Right. How much
do you have, Tootie?

Uh, let's see. It's
the end of the month.

I have about six dollars
and some change.

I can make another dollar if I sell
the frog I kept from biology class.

We wouldn't want you to do that.

It's okay. He's
slowing up anyway.

He hasn't moved in eight days.

He's dead.

[Clicks Tongue, Sighs] Then
I'll take cents off the price.

I have two bucks, plus three Susan B.
Anthony dollars that I want to get rid of.

I hate 'em. They made her
look like Charles Bronson.

Well, I got four bucks, I think.

Well, anyway, between us, we ought
to be able to get something pretty nice.

Hey, I heard Mrs. Garrett say...

she was dying to get one of those
Hawaiian-print blouses everyone's wearing.

It's karma! I just
read in the paper that

Harrison's is having a
half-price sale on 'em.

They're only . .

She wants a Hawaiian shirt,
then that's what we'll get her.

[Jo] Boy, look at all the stuff.

We ought to be able
to find something great!

Ooh, watch out, world!
Tootie is ready to fly!

Fasten your seat belt.
I just saw the price tag.

Well, could we just
find the blouses on sale?

We'd be out of college before
we had any of these paid off.

[Chuckles] Uh, girls, the blouses
for you are on the third floor.

We're buying a present
for someone. That's nice.

Um, where are the
blouses you got on sale?

Oh, I'm sorry, but our
sale ended yesterday.

But I just read about it
in the paper yesterday.

That's right, and it was
only a one-day special.

One day? How come it
didn't say that in the paper?

I don't write the ads.

That's false advertising!

Mm-hmm. I just work here.

Does the name Ralph
Nader mean anything to you?

Look, girls. I'm
sorry the sale is over,

but we have lots of blouses,
and they're all very reasonable.

Well, do you have any Hawaiian
shirts for about $ or less?

No, I'm afraid the only Hawaiian
prints we have left are $ and up.

Wish I could help you.

I bet you do. What a rip-off.

These people are like con
artists. It's the old bait and switch.

Yeah. We better forget about
getting Mrs. Garrett a blouse.

Come on. We ought to be
able to find some cheap cologne.

Are you kiddin'? And have
Blair rub our noses in it?

We're not gettin' cheap,
and we're not gettin' cologne.

Mrs. Garrett had her heart
set on a Hawaiian blouse.

And that's what
we're gettin' her. How?

Come on.

What are you doing? Those
blouses are all over $ .

She'll flip for this one.

You've been hanging around
Blair too long. This one's .

Who cares what it costs?
It'll look great on Mrs. Garrett.

Jo, we don't have enough
money. Forget the money.

It doesn't have
to cost anything.

What are you talking about?

Look, this store did a number on us,
didn't it? Huh! Well, now it's our turn.

You're not gonna...
You wouldn't...

You don't want Blair
laughing at us, do you?

You two stay here while
I go into a dressing room.

Jo, you can't!

Relax, will ya? A big store like
this is not going to miss one blouse.

But...

If she gets caught,
we'll be accessories.

How can we be accessories?
We're in sportswear.

Tootie, she's shoplifting!
And she's so calm about it!

I know.

[Sighs] How's she gonna
get it out of the store?

I don't know.

Tootie, I'm very nervous, very
nervous. I think I'm getting nauseous.

Me too.

One of the Commandments
is, "Thou shall not steal."

Maybe it's not official
until they put it on a T-shirt.

Oh, she changed
her mind. I'm glad.

Let's go get Mrs. Garrett's
gift somewhere else.

No. Now, let's just keep walking
out of here real easy, okay?

I don't get it. You did leave the
blouse in the dressing room, didn't you?

Just keep moving.

Hey. There's a ticket
sticking... [Muffled] Oh, no!

Hey, you girls.
Hold up a minute.

Now, you'd, uh, better
use the other exit.

They're tearing up
the sidewalk out there.

Oh, okay. Sure.
Yes, sir. Thank you.

Oh, oh, oh!

Blair! I'm speechless!

I'm glad you like it.
But it's so expensive.

I know.

Blair, this is the first Gucci
anything I've ever owned,

and I have a pretty
good idea what it cost.

And the price keeps going up
all the time. Isn't that wonderful?

[Clicks Tongue]
Thanks. [Knocking]

Happy birthday. Come in.

Oh, hi, girls. Hi, Mrs. Garrett.
We got you a birthday present.

- Oh, my goodness.
- From the three of us.

Well, I'm really
hauling in the loot today.

[Giggles] Oh, that's
sweet of you girls.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Classy. This must,
uh, be from Blair.

Just a little something.

Wow, look at all those "G's"!

Mrs. Garrett, it's got
your initials all over it!

They're not mine, honey.
They belong to Mr. Gucci.

You mean Blair bought you
something that's secondhand?

[Clears Throat]

That bag is a status
symbol, and it cost a fortune.

You've done it again, Blair.
You've bought happiness.

Yeah, and she paid retail too.

Well, that may not be
Gucci, but I think you'll like it.

Oh, I'm sure I will. You girls
are all so thoughtful... all of you.

Oh, it's beautiful,
just beautiful!

We got it in Better
Blouses at Harrison's. Hmm!

And it wasn't cheap.

Well, actually, it wasn't that
much of a financial strain.

How come it's not
in a Harrison's box?

The gift-wrapping
department was real

backed up, so we
decided to use our own box.

Oh, I am overwhelmed.
You shouldn't have.

You can say that again.

Well, see, we heard...
Well, no, Tootie heard...

Tootie overheard that, uh,
you wanted a Hawaiian blouse.

Oh, I did! And the
colors are dazzling.

A sunset is dazzling.
That is blinding.

Mrs. Garrett, I'm sure
it comes in other colors.

You can exchange it.

No! You can't do that. If-If you
go back to the store, they'll...

They'll know we
lost the receipt.

Yeah. We had to run out the store
real quick. 'Cause it was closing.

But we think this one'll look perfect on
you, Mrs. Garrett. It matches your hair.

It matches everybody's hair.

Well, we think she'll look terrific
in it. Don't change it. Please.

You won't find a better one.

I wouldn't even try.

Well, we got to go down and
set up for lunch. See you later.

Bye, Mrs. Garrett.
Happy birthday.

Thank you for remembering
me, and for the lovely, lovely gift.

You're welcome. That's okay.

- Coming, Blair?
- Yeah, in a minute.

Oh. [Laughs]

Mrs. Garrett, don't
you think the blouse is...

Me! Really me, isn't it?

If you say so.

Oh, dear, it is a
little roomy on me.

Well, then take it back,
for goodness sake.

Oh, I don't know. What if
they don't have it in my size?

If you're lucky they won't, and
you can get something else.

But I don't want
something else. I love it.

And if I try to exchange
it, and they don't have

it in my size, and I
get something different,

I might hurt the
girls' feelings.

Mrs. Garrett, it
doesn't hurt a person's

feelings to exchange
a gift they've given you.

You think so?

I know so. Ohh.

Then you wouldn't mind
if I exchanged your purse?

I'm really not wild
about the style.

Need any help?

Uh, yes, I'd like to
exchange this blouse please.

I'm happy to say it's
too big on me. [Chuckles]

Oh, well, we're happy
you decided to return this.

So am I. Uh, do you have
a small I can take instead?

I'll see. We do want our
customers to be satisfied.

Thanks.

Oh, you have quite
a selection here.

Yes, we know what
sells and what doesn't.

[Mouthing Words]

Uh, do you have
a receipt for this?

No. But it was bought yesterday.

I'll look through
my receipts then.

Oh, thanks a lot.

[Coughs]

Hi. Doing a little shopping?

Oh, just looking. Actually,
I'm exchanging a blouse. Hmm.

Do you shop here often?

Oh, now and then, to
pick up this and that. Hmm.

Well, I suppose you're
like most people today.

Inflated prices making
you a little desperate?

A little. But I'm still
an impulsive shopper.

When I see something
I like, I just grab it.

You do look like a woman
who gets what she wants.

You're very perceptive.

Madam, I can't seem to find
the receipt for your blouse.

Oh, I hope you can
change it anyway.

I'll just check. Thanks.

You, uh, lost your receipt?

You seem awfully interested
in my little problem here.

- May I ask you something?
- Certainly.

Are you trying to pick me up?

You could say that.

Well, bless your heart.

Edna Garrett. Oh,
eh, Henry Douglas.

Store security. Oh, you
work here. How nice.

Do you have a lot of
problem with shoplifters?

Uh, unfortunately,
yes. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Tell me. What do
you think of this?

Little old for you.
You've made my day.

You know, I've been
watching you very closely.

Oh? And have you
been enjoying it?

Very much. Especially when
you tried to return that blouse.

Well, whatever turns
you on. [Chuckles]

Would you come with me, please?

I'm sorry. I don't have time
right now. Maybe some evening.

Well, I'm afraid this can't wait.
You're under arrest for shoplifting.

Shoplifting?

Come this way.

You no-good, dirty creep! Why'd you
send her back there to exchange the blouse?

What are you so upset about?

I just happened to mention another
blouse might look better on her.

Sending her back there
was not a smart thing to do!

Why? What's the big deal?

She could get in an accident.

What if her heel gets
caught in the escalator?

Or her bus gets h*jacked?

And we all know how many bus
hijackings there are in downtown Peekskill.

I think you've all gone crazy.

You act like I've sent
Mrs. Garrett to her death.

Or ours.

What does that mean? Would
you please tell me what is going...

[Knocking] Hi. May I come in?

Sure.

Hi, Mrs. Garrett.
Um, what's new?

Yeah, anything
exciting happen lately?

Not really.

They've been giving me a hard time
for suggesting you return that blouse.

Well, I can't really
blame them for that.

You can't?

I did go down to Harrison's
to get it in a smaller size.

But then I thought, "Why don't I
exchange it for a different one?"

But then I thought,

"Oh, the girls have put a lot of
thought into picking out this one,

so, I'll keep it."

[Sighs, Laughs] You don't know
what a load off our mind that is.

How could I exchange something that
you'd spent your hard-earned money on?

Oh, I'm a lucky woman
to know girls like you...

So thoughtful, so generous.

Nothing but the best
for you, Mrs. Garrett.

You're such good kids.
I mean, really good.

No, we're not! Mrs. Garrett,
we're rotten! The lowest!

Come on! You don't have to...

Jo, I can't stand it
anymore. She's gotta know!

- Know what?
- Mrs. Garrett, we didn't buy
that blouse. We stole it.

You stole it?

Well, at least you didn't
pay good money for that.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Natalie and Tootie
had nothing to do with it.

I ripped it off.
Nobody helped me.

I had a feeling something was
wrong when they arrested me.

Arrested you?

For shoplifting. Jo, how could
you do such a crazy thing?

Isn't it enough that you're
all on probation already?

Well, what is it
you want me to do?

I mean, do you want me to bail you
out every time you get into trouble?

I never planned to steal it. But when we
got to the store, the phony sale was over,

and we didn't have enough money.

I didn't want to see Blair smirkin' at us
if we didn't come back with something good.

Hey, I'm sorry.

I never meant to make you feel
like you had to be as good as me.

I know that's impossible.

The last thing I wanted was for
you girls to think of this as a contest.

But it's your birthday,
and we wanted to...

But, honey, I don't
need expensive gifts.

Just go into my
room and look around.

If you want to give me a gift,
give me a flower, or a seashell,

or just a simple note.

How about a dead frog?

I'd prefer a live one.

Well, see, the thing
is, you do a lot for us.

Always cracking the whip, chewing us
out, poking your nose into our business.

And it was my way
of saying thanks.

That's a lovely sentiment.
But next time, send a Hallmark.

Well, I wanted to get you
something more than just a card,

'cause I thought we were getting
to be, you know, not so far apart.

You mean, closer.

Yeah.

What brings people closer
together is the day-to-day giving,

not the once-a-year giving.

That's beautiful.

I thought so too. It was on the
birthday card my son sent me.

I really feel crummy about this.

We gave you something you
liked, and you had to give it back.

Hey, you stole something I
liked, and I'm not giving it back.

I exchanged it for one my
size and put it on layaway.

By the time you get it
out, it may be back in style.

You mean you're gonna
pay it off? Oh, no. You are.

How?

By working at Harrison's.

With everything else I have
to do, who has time for a job?

Do you expect me to do it
on weekends? [Chuckles]

You expect me to
do it on weekends.

Saturdays and
Sundays, : to : .

You're gonna be grounded
for the next month anyway,

so what else have you get to do?

Wait a minute, Mrs. Garrett. Who's
gonna do her chores on the weekends?

Oh, that's where you
and Tootie come in.

Uh, your names were on the gift.

You were part of this whole
caper, so you'll be filling in for Jo.

Ooh, that's a cold shot.

I guess this hasn't exactly
been a happy birthday for you.

Well, actually, some
good did come out of it.

What?

After the store
detective finished

third-degreeing me and
found out I was innocent,

I third-degreed him and
found out he was single.

We have a date tonight.

Way to go, Mrs. Garrett! Hey!

Too bad I won't be
wearing my blouse.

Oh, really? Hmm.

Don't get me wrong. I'll be wearing
something! All right, Mrs. Garrett!

♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪

♪ And enjoy the
fun of managing ♪

♪ The facts of life
They shed a lotta light ♪

♪ If you hear 'em
from your brother ♪

♪ Better clear 'em
with your mother ♪

♪ Better get 'em right
Call her late at night ♪

♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪

♪ All you gotta do to get
you through is understand ♪

♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪

♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪♪