03x01 - Big Brother Is Watching

[bunniefuu]

Bob, should I use the good china
or the everyday china?

I don't care. Whichever one
you can see your face in.

This isn't a TV commercial.
It's a real dinner with your real sister...

and your real mother,
who's real picky.

Didn't, uh- Didn't my mother
give us the good china?

- Yeah.
- Use the good china.

Gee, I hope Ellen can find
an apartment that's close to us.

It's kind of inconvenient for Howard
to have to pick her up at your mother's...

every time he wants
to see her.

Well, I know my mother,
and I know my sister.

And I don't see them
lasting more than a week.

- Oh, I don't know.
- Oh, wanna bet?

- [Knocking]
- No, I don't wanna bet.

- Any amount.
- Mm-mmm.

- Hi, Bob.
- Hi, Bob.

How about a million dollars?

Ellen, what's the matter?
Why the luggage?

- And where's Mom?
- I cannot live with that woman.

You've been in town for a day and a half,
and you're back on the streets again.

You're not on the streets.
You can stay here with us.

Oh- Emily.
I don't know.

Gee, that sounds great. It'd make-
lt'd make it a lot easier on me.

I tried, Bob, I really tried
to get along with her.

I'm sure you did. And I'm sure the Christians
tried to get along with the lions.

Well, I know what you went through.
It's like the summer...

I moved back with my parents
just before Bob and I got married.

- Did your mother redecorate your room in pink?
- Lime green.

With little stuffed animals
all over the bed?

- And the Raggedy Anns all over the chair?
- Mm-hmm.

I like what your mother
did to your room, Bob.

- To my room?
- Yeah. It was like a shrine.

There were pictures of you
as a young adult...

and pictures of you
in your uniform.

It was-
It was so quiet.

If I didn't know better,
I'd thinkyou were dead.

[Phone Ringing]

Hello?
Oh, hi, Mom.

Yeah, she's here.

She hasn't turned me against you yet.
Right, Mom.

We're, uh-
We're having baked ham.

On- On the good china.

Yeah, I'll look out for her,
and I'll have her call you tomorrow.

Uh, st-string beans
and sweet potatoes.

Right.
Good-bye, Mom.

I just should've gotten
my own apartment to begin with.

- Your own apartment?
- Mm-hmm.

Wow, that, uh, sounds like
kind of a waste to me.

I mean, we're getting
married soon anyway.

- Howard,you're rushing me again.
- Oh,yeah.

- Sorry. But, uh- We are getting married, right?
- Of course we are.

-I mean, soon?
- Sure. In a little while.

- You know, after we get know each other.
- We know each other.

- No, we don't.
- We do too.

- We don't.
- I know everything about you.

All right, Howard,
but first I want to get a job.

What do you do?

See, that's exactly
what I'm talking about.

Look, all l-all I know is
I love you and I wanna marryyou.

Howard, this is getting
a little embarrassing.

Howard, I know
what Ellen means. I mean...

you know you love her, but you don't
know the little things about her.

- Like, what's her favorite color?
- Red.

- Wrong.
- No, red's my favorite color.

It is?

You see? And they've been
married for five years.

Yeah, but I don't
want to wait five years.

I mean, what's
your favorite color?

- Aqua.
- Aqua. Of course.

I love you in aqua. It brings out
the aqua flecks in your eyes.

Howard, her eyes
are brown.

Howard, look, we know
that we love each other.

Wejust don't
know each other yet.

Bob...

tell her to marry me.

Howard, it's Ellen's life.
I don't wanna butt in.

-I know Emilywill butt in.
- No, not this time, Howard.

It's Ellen's life, and she has to
decide how she wants to live it.

- Thanks, Emily.
- Sure. You'll stay here with us tonight.

You'll sleep in our room,
and we'll sleep in the den.

Then tomorrow morning, we'll get up
real early, have a light breakfast...

and we'll start looking on the North Shore
for an apartment for you.

Now, I know there's a vacancy
at the Regency and the Lake Shore.

And then after lunch, we'll go to
Marshall Field's, pick up some warmer clothes-

[Whispering]
Well, that's the last of it, Bob-

shirts, socks
and underwear.

Where's, uh-
Where's my bathrobe?

Oh, I left it
in Ellen's room.

It used to be our room.

- Wh-Where's my toothbrush?
- Oh, honey.

I don't want to have to go back in there.
Ellen's almost asleep.

Can't you wait
till morning?

It's just for a couple of clays.

- Then why are we going to all this trouble?
- It's no trouble.

It's not gonna
change anything.

It's already
changed your voice.

Mind telling me
why we're whispering?

Because somebody
is trying to sleep.

You're sure there's
a bed in here?

Yes, there is,
and it's very comfortable.

See?
Isn't that fine?

It's horrible.

It's lumpy and... hard
and I can feel every spring.

Aaah!

And every metal button.

I want my own pillow.

Bob, she is your sister.
Will you stop being so childish?

I'm not
being childish.

She always did get the best.

What do you thinkJer?
They're escargot cookies.

Mm.

I made them myself
in my gourmet cooking class.

I tell you, I could whip up the most
fantastic meal for six people in one hour.

Aw, if I knew six people.

I tell you what,
I'm gonna have you to dinner.

- Great.
- When would you like to do it?

- How about, uh, next Tuesday?
- Ah, you're in luck.

I just happen to have
next Tuesday open.

As well as
July and August.

How about chicken Florentine?

- Can you really make that?
- Certa/nement.

That's terrific, except I've had
chicken every night this week.

Well, how do you feel
about veal piccata?

That doesn't have veal
in it, does it?

- What do you wanLjer?
- Look, I'm just the invitee here.

- Just make for me whateveryou think I'd like.
- Mm-hmm.

That'd be peanut butter
and jelly sandwiches.

Perfectjust leave out the peanut butter.
It gives me the hives.

Hey, Ellen.
Hi, how are you?

Oh, pretty good, Carol.
ls, uh- ls Bob free?

Sure. Hey, how's
thejob hunting going?

Oh, lousy. I just went
to a placement agency...

and with my B.A. injournalism
and fouryears' newspaper experience...

I can get a job
as a file clerk.

Well, now, don't be discouraged.
That's howl got started.

- [Knocking]
- Hi, Bob. Got a minute?

Yeah. Hi- Hi, Ellen.
Come on in and s-sit down.

- Bob, what's the matter?
- Oh, I, uh-

I accidentally
fell asleep last night.

I thought-l thought you and Emily
were apartment hunting today.

- We were.
- And?

Well, we just have
different taste.

Everything I said I liked,
Emily said I didn't like.

I don't know,
maybe she knows best. I-

Bob, don't get me wrong.
You know I love Emily.

She's a terrific person.
And in a lot of ways...

she's like Mom.

- That bad, huh?
- Uh-huh.

Does th-that mean you won't be
apartment hunting anymore?

Well, I think I've found one, but that's
what I wanted to talk to you about.

Y-You don't have to talk to me.
just-just take it.

Today, if possible.

Well, it's, uh-
it's really a nice apartment...

and it's not far
from you and Emily.

- Oh, where is it?
- Across the hall.

With Howard.

- Oh.
- Is it okay?

- S-Sure.
- Really?

- Sure.
- Wow, I thought you were gonna be shocked.

Sh-Shocked?
Why would I be shocked?

Thanks for the use of the bathrobe, Bob.
I left it in the closet.

Oh, keep it.
I bought a new one.

Oh, that's okay.
I'll use Howard's.

Oh. Wh-Why didn't I
think of that?

You, uh-
You need help packing?

No, thanks.
I'm almost finished.

You know, Bob,
you really surprise me.

I expected you to be upset
about Ellen moving in with Howard.

It's not a new idea.
A lot of couples live together.

Well, you're taking it very well.
I just thought it might be a problem.

- [Knocking]
- What's the problem?

I mean, O years ago, it might have been
a problem, but today it's no problem.

I mean, what's-
what's the problem?

- Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.
- Hi, Howard.

Ellen'll be out
in a minute.

- You want to, uh, sit down, Howard?
- [ Laughs]

Yes, thank you.

Howard, did-did I say
something funny?

No. No.
I'm just a little giggly.

L, uh, never had
a roommate before.

I mean, there was Lois,
but that was different.

Lois was my wife.

-I mean, Lois is taller than Ellen.
- Hi, Howard.

- I'm all set.
- Ah, am f.

I cleared three dresser drawers
and two shelves in the bathroom...

and the entire bedroom closet
is all yours.

- What'd you do with your clothes?
- Uh, my clothes?

I put 'em, uh,
in a suitcase.

-I have suitcases.
- What'd you do with your suitcases?

- I put 'em in the broom closet.
- What'd you do with the brooms?

I threw them away.
They werejust gathering dust anyway.

Well, I just want
to say so long.

Yeah, be sure
and write, Howard.

- Bye, Bob.
- So long, Howard.

- “Swam.
- Yeah?

Take another step,
I break both your legs.

[Chuckles]
That's funny, Bob.

- Let's go, Ellen.
- Wait a minute, Howard.

L-I don't think
he's kidding.

Oh, sure, he's kidding.
Aren't you kidding, Bob?

- Of course he's kidding.
- Now, wait a minute.

A minute ago,
this was okay.

Well, a minute ago,
I didn't feel this way.

It just suddenly hit me-
my kid sister in- in that apartment.

L-Well, then-
then I felt this way.

It's, uh...

because I'm messy,
isn't it, Bob?

No, Howard, it isn't
because you're messy.

And it isn't because Ellen
is living with someone else...

or that Ellen is living
with you that I object to.

It's that Ellen's
living with you...

in an apartment feet away
from here that I- I just can't take.

Yeah. Nowl see
what you mean, Bob.

Well, I don't. I mean, Ellen is an adult,
and I think this is her own affair.

Uh, business.

- Ellen is also my sister.
- Ellen is an individual.

Ellen is
a wonderful person.

I'll tell you what Ellen is.
Ellen is humiliated.

Bob, I went all the way
down to your office to get your approval...

before I even
mentioned this to Howard...

and now he's gone
and given all of his brooms away.

And I'm standing here with a suitcase
in my hand and no place to go.

Now, that's humiliating!

Isn't she beautiful
when she's humiliated?

Well, I'm-
I'm sorry...

but it was the only way
I could think to handle it.

I know. Of course.
it's the same way you hanclledjoey Hudson.

- Joey Hudson? - Oh, Bob, you
remember when we were little kids...

andjoey chased me all the way
home onto the front porch.

And I kept yelling,
“Bob! Bob! Come out and help me!“

You walked out, and said,
“Hiya,joey. Wanna see my frog?”

Um, tadpole.

Well, in a way,
you're both right.

You know, when a tadpole grows up,
it becomes a frog. And then it-

Emily, would you please tell her what I'm-
what I'm trying to say.

Well,you see, I think
what Bob is trying to say...

is that he's concerned
because you and Howard were-

Well,you know, I think it's-
it's the distance.

With-

Bob, I haven't the slightest idea
what you're trying to say.

Come on, Howard.
Let's go.

Howard!

Bob's my best friend.

Well,what am I?

Well, I don't want to come
between brother and sister.

I mean, this is a big step.
I mean, for all of us.

I know, Howard,
so let's take it.

I can't. I mean,
I love you both.

Okay. I guess I'll just have to
go find a place to live.

Um, Ellen.
Listen-

I'm, uh-

I'm sorry about
joey Hudson.

Uh, okay, Mr. Carlin. I can change you
from this Thursday at :OO...

to Friday at : .

Uh-huh. Friday
at : is no good.

But Monday at : is. Oh, I'm sorry.
Monday at : is taken.

It doesn't matter
by who, Mr. Carlin.

Now, how's Tuesday
at : ?

Oh, not as good
as Wednesday at : .

Well, Wednesdays are
just all filled up. Sorry.

How about
next Thursday at : ?

Oh, fine. Next Friday at : . Bye.
[ Exhales]

So, how's, uh-
how's everything going?

Just real good, Bob.

Good.

Everyth-
Everythings, uh, okay.

- Uh,you mean with Ellen?
- Who said anything about Ellen?

- How, uh- H-How is she?
- Fine.

She's been a wonderful roommate.
Well, she talks in her sleep...

but I crack my toes,
so we cancel each other out.

Does, uh- Does she, you know,
say anything in particular?

- Like what, Bob?
- Well, I don't know.

Sometimes people talk in their sleep.
You can make out words.

[Clears Throat]
Other times they mumble and you can't.

Okay, Bob. I'll just tell you
what I told your mom...

when she called
minutes ago.

Now, Ellen doesn't have a job.
She's had two offers.

She can be an Avon lady
or a Fuller Brush person.

She does not wanna talk
to you or your mother.

She's real disappointed in Howard.
And after I made her stay outside...

while I had a date in the apartment,
she's not too thrilled with me either.

Hi, Bob. What's new
with your sister?

Oh, she- she's got
a couple ofjob offers...

and, uh, she cracks
her toes in her sleep.

No, that's wrong.
Carol cracks her toes in her sleep.

No kidding.
I've been told I sing.

You know,
Jerry, I-

I feel real bad
about Ellen, and I, uh-

I wanted to talk to you
about it, you know...

'cause you're the only one
that can really be objective.

I mean, you're the only one
who hasn't lived with her, you know.

No kidding?

Boy, still waters
run deep.

That's not the pointjerry.
I mean, uh-

Ellen's walked out on me,
and, uh, Emily's upset with me...

and, uh, I've offended
my best friend.

Oh, come on, Bob.
You haven't offended me.

N-Not you.
Howard.

Oh. I thought I was
your best friend.

Oh. Uh-

No, you-you are,jer.
I mean, you're-

I mean,you're-
you're my best office friend...

but, you know, H-Howard's
my best apartment friend.

I mean, a guy can have
two best friendsJerry.

Maybe I'll get a dog.

Oh, hello.
Pizzatorium?

Yeah, I'd like to order
a small cheese pizza, please.

Oh, well, what is
your house special?

Flounder?

No, I think I'll just
stick with the cheese. Thanks.

Yeah, that's Carol Kester,
Grace Avenue...

apartment ].

Right.
Thanks a lot.

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ]
- Oh,just a minute!

[ Barking, Growling]

Down, Lobo. Down, boy.

Down.
Get down, Lobo.

- Who is it?
- It'; Emily.

- Oh, Emily.just a minute.
- [ Barking Stops]

- Well, I can come back later.
- Oh, no, come in.

I'm sorry. I just had to
call off my tape recorder.

Come in. I m sorry to scare you.
it's just a safety measure.

- Well, it sure works.
- Besides, I save a fortune in dog food.

- Uh, where's, uh, Ellen?
- What?

- Where's Ellen?
- Oh.

Oh, my.
Well, she's not home.

Oh. Well, I have to meet Bob
for dinner in a half hour...

and I thought I could
talk to Ellen first.

Trying to make peace 'cause you drove her
so crazy looking for apartments...

she decided to move in
with Howard, huh?

- Maybe she mentioned it to you.
- [ Doorbell Buzzes ]

- Oh, Carol, could I?
- Oh, sure.

- [ Barking]
- Down, Lobo. Down! Down, Lobo.

- Oh, hi, Bob.
- [ Barking Stops]

You have
all his albums?

L, uh, guess we're both here
for the same reason.

- I think so, but Ellen's not home yet.
- We are.

Oh, excuse me. I better go
tear off my face. Excuse me.

Well, might
as well relax, Bob.

- Where?
- Well, anywhere but in the tuba.

Well, I haven't sat on
a hippo for a long time.

Honey, why don't you
try the beanbag?

All right.

- How is it?
- It's fun.

- [Knocking]
- Oh, Bob, could you get that?

I'm afraid I can't!

I'll get it, honey.
Down, Lobo!

Down! Down, Lobo.
Down-

No, you gotta turn Lobo on
before you can call him off.

Hi, Bob.

- HLJerry. What- What are you doing here?
- I was invited.

- Jer, what are you doing here?
- Maybe I wasn't invited.

Oh, my gosh. Is it
next Tuesday already?

Oh, well, listen,
I can whip something up.

- Just give me a minute to get myself together.
- A minute? Are you kidding?

Uh, be carefuLjerry.
That hippo tips.

No, it doesn't.

- Uh, how'd you do that?
- What's that?

- Cross your legs.
-just something I learned as a child.

Listen, uh, Bob,
about this afternoon.

I'm really sorry about
walking out on you like that.

It was immature. Howard and I
can both be your best friends.

- I thought I was your best friend.
- Oh, you are.

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ]
- Spreading yourself kind of thin, aren't you, Bob?

Oh, hi, Howard.
Ellen's not home yet.

Hi. Look, Bob, before you-
you break my legs...

I just wanna tell you
that I love Ellen...

and, well, I came here
to take her home.

Whose home are you gonna
take her home to, Howard?

Bob, you're
starting again.

- I'm sorry, Howard.
- Hey, Carol, ya got any cheese in here?

It's in the refrigerator.

There'sjust some
green, furry stuff in here.

That's it.

Boy, I sure hope
she takes me back.

Oh, she will, Howard.
We'll help.

Emily, we've-
we've helped enough.

You don't know how much
she means to me. It's been a horrible week.

L, uh, can't eat,
can't sleep.

I can't talkwithjerry
looking at me like that.

Sorry, Howard. I just got kinda
involved in what was going on.

We know how you feel.
I mean, we feel the same way.

I should have let Ellen
pick her own apartment.

And I shouldn't have let my
personal feelings interfere.

I should have gone
somewhere else to eat tonight.

Well, all I know is I-
I love her, and I want her back.

Well, that's a start.

Ellen! Ellen.

- Howard.
- Oh, Ellen, Bob and I came here-

No, no, wait.
Wait a minute. Listen. Listen.

I know you've all been concerned
about me, and that's important.

But let's just start
from scratch, okay?

L, uh-l got myself
an apartment today on Dearborn.

- On Dearborn?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, I hope it isn't-

- I'm sure it's lovely.
- [ Laughs] It is.

- I'd like to see it.
- Okay, let's go now.

Well, as long as Howard's going,
why don't we all go?

- [ Emily] Yeah. Then we can all go out
to dinner afterwards. - Sounds great.

Howard and Emily, maybe we can get
our best friend to pick up the tab, huh?

[Laughs]

Ta-da!

Oh, you really like it?

Thank you so much. It's a little something
I picked up today at Carson's.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

I know. Green has always
been very kind to me.

The shoes?
Why, no, they're not new...

but, you know, they never
seem to go out of style.

- [Knocking]
- Oh,just a minute.

- Who is it?
- It'; Emily.

- Oh, Emily.
- Oh, honey, we are so sorry.

We were all just getting in the car,
and we realized we'd left you up here alone.

- Come on now. We're all going out to dinner.
- Oh, thanks, I'd love to.

Oh, Carol,
I love that dress.

Thank you. lt'sjust
a little something I picked up at Carson's.

- It's a wonderful color.
- Really? You think so?

Green has always been
very kind to me.

And, uh, those shoes-
are they new?

No, they're not new,
but, you know...

they never seem to go out of sty-
[Laughs]

Well, I hate to eat and run,
but I've gotta line my shelves tomorrow.

Oh, Ellen, it's silly for you
to go all the way home.

Why don't you just
sleep here?

- Bob, we can sleep in the den, right?
- I don't wanna sleep in the den.

- Wh-Why don't you sleep at Howard's apartment?
- Really?

' Really?
' Really?

Yeah, and Howard
can sleep in our den.

Bob, don't be silly. I mean,
it's ridiculous for Ellen...

to drive all
that way this late.

I'll just go get the blankets
and the pillows.

Emily, you make me sleep
in that den...

I break both your legs.

- Good night, Ellen.
- Good night, Emily. Come on, Howard.

You were kidding,
weren't you?

[ Roars]