01x10 - Adoption

[bunniefuu]

♪ There's a place you gotta go ♪

♪ For learning all you oughta
know about the facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When your books are
what you're there about ♪

♪ But looks are
what you care about ♪

♪ The time is right to
learn the facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ It's time you
started finding out ♪

♪ What everything is all about ♪

♪ When the boys you
used to hate you date ♪

♪ I guess you best
investigate the facts of life ♪

♪ You gotta get 'em right ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪♪ [Woman Vocalizing]

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪♪

[Chattering] Okay, girls...
Girls, girls, hold it. Hold it.

Now, as soon as you get your family-tree
projects up, please take your seats.

You guys want to see
some gorgeous ancestors?

These are my great-grandparents.
They had nine children.

I don't have to tell you,
they dug each other.

Okay. "Project Roots."

Now, I'm sure you learned
a lot about your families.

Oh, I did, Mr. Bradley.

It made me appreciate the
hardships my ancestors went through...

living in Kansas back in .

Living in Kansas
today is a hardship.

Everyone can't be
in your shoes, Blair,

walking the streets of New York.

Oh, girls, girls.

What is this? Your laundry?

No. It's my assignment.

I'm doing my family's
history through fashion.

Well, the s were a great decade,
but what about the rest of the century?

Oh, it's coming in a package
from my father's factory. Oh.

Well, it better be here today.

Now, each
generation is a link...

in the chain of your heritage.

"Sui generis fidelis."

- What does that mean?
- I don't know,
but it sounds dirty to me.

Okay. It means you are the sum
total of all of your family's links.

Uh, Natalie,
where's your project?

Uh, I lost it.

You lost it? You knew it was
due today. I could give you an "F."

Okay. Give me an "F." I think
this was a dumb project anyway.

- [Knocking]
- Come in. Come in.

Excuse me, Mr. Bradley.
Hi, girls. Hi, Mrs. Garrett.

Natalie, you left
this in the dorm.

What's the matter with
you? You know it's due today.

You said you lost
it. It's really lousy.

No. It's very good.

It's fascinating...
Your family history.

- Do you mind
if I stay awhile?
- Of course not.

You know, Natalie, you don't
look like either of your parents.

- They both have red hair.
- That doesn't mean anything.

Sometimes it's better not to
look too closely at your roots.

Now, this is very unusual.

You see, you have blue eyes and
both your parents have brown eyes.

Mr. Bradley, do you have to
pick on my parents' eyeballs?

Well, of course not. It's
just very rare when it occurs.

Hey, Nat, maybe they pulled
a switcheroo at the hospital.

[Girls Laughing]

I guess the nurses got bored
and they played musical babies.

That's not funny! It's mean!

Hey, Nat, we were only kidding.

Well, knock it off. I don't even
know if I was born I a hospital.

Natalie, what are
you talking about?

Mr. Bradley, I didn't
want to do this project,

and I don't want
to be in this class.

- Honey, what's the matter?
- Haven't you all
figured it out?

This isn't my real
family. I'm adopted.

Natalie, wait a minute.

Adopted?

Natalie,

why didn't you tell
us you were adopted?

I didn't want to talk about it.

Working on my family tree just
starts all those questions again.

- What questions?
- Like who my real parents are,

what they look like and
why they gave me up.

Oh, Natalie, the important thing is
that you do have a mother and father,

and that they love
you very much.

That's what they say,

but it doesn't
help the way I feel.

How do you feel? I
know who adopted me.

Now I want to know who had me.

I want to find my real
mother. Now, wait a minute.

I mean, you just told us
minutes ago that you were adopted,

and now you want to go
off and find your real mother?

Just wait a minute and let
us sort this out a little, huh?

Sure, Mrs. Garrett. Take
all the time you need.

I'll be right back. Don't hire any
detectives while I'm gone, huh?

Hi, girls. [Sue Ann]
Oh, hi, Mrs. Garrett.

I've never seen
Natalie so upset.

You know it. I'll be right back.

Did you just find out
you were adopted?

No. I've known since I was five.

Oh, Natalie, why didn't you
tell us you were adopted?

Because I don't want to
be treated any differently.

That's silly. We're not gonna
change the way we treat you.

Sure. Here, have some cake.

See what I mean? You're giving
me gifts already. You feel sorry for me.

Natalie, it's your cake.

Oh.

Thanks.

But, Natalie, you should
have told me you were adopted.

I've probably been saying stupid
stuff about you without even knowing it.

What do you mean, Tootie?

Well, since you didn't
know who you are,

I could have been insulting you
every time I told a Polish joke.

Tootie!

Do you know who your
real parents are? No.

That's not all bad.

Sometimes I'd like to
forget who mine are.

It must be tough. Every time you
bump into someone on the street,

wondering if they're
your real mom or dad.

Yeah, Nat. Try not
bumping into people.

Tootie!

Listen, Natalie, I know exactly
what you're going through.

The adoption trauma... I saw
it all on the Dinah Shore Show.

I remember that. They
had this woman on there,

and she spent years
looking for her real mother.

The records were sealed,
and no one could help her.

Dinah couldn't believe it.

All the clues turned
out to be dead ends.

Then, one day,

all her searching
finally paid off.

- She found her.
- She did?

Yeah, on skid row.

Skid row? And it took years?

She was one of the lucky ones. Some
people spend their whole lives searching...

and never find a single clue.

Probably be pretty hard for a kid
my age to track her mother down.

Not if I were helping you.

- What do you mean?
- I've got connections.

Listen, Natalie. Do you
really want to find your mother?

Well, sure. I guess so.

That's all I need to know.

My mother's dating a judge
who has access to everything.

Blair, don't go butting in.

You think you're
such a big deal.

Where would you be without your
mother and her big-shot boyfriends?

Probably like you, dodging
cow chips on Sunnybrook Farm.

Listen, Sue Ann.

I happen to be in a position to
help Natalie, and I'm gonna do it.

Blair, are you nuts? You can't
stick your nose into something...

that could change
Natalie's whole life.

Of course I can.
What are friends for?

Will you stop arguing with
me? Just give her the book.

Creative Adoption. Do you think a
book is going to solve her problems?

Well, naturally, it's not as good as a
talk from me, but I'm tied up until : .

Now, show her the
chapter on famous adoptees.

She'll love the one about
Moses in the bulrushes.

You really want me to
hand her a book, huh?

You don't understand.
Natalie is very, very upset.

Of course she's upset.

Her genealogical
chain has been broken.

Linkus interruptus.

I'd like to linkus
your interruptus.

All right, all right. Look, I
don't want to argue with you,

but that girl needs to get more in
touch with her feelings. [Groans]

Wrong. Wrong.

Read chapter three.

"Self-pity Is a Downer."
Well, I know that.

It is not the function of Eastland
School to coddle children.

It is to prepare them to be strong
and independent women. Right.

But you can't deny
painful feelings...

and just hope
that it'll go away.

Don't forget the book. Oh!

Now, the pitfall here is
in being too emotional.

Well, Natalie isn't
getting too emotional.

She's just being human.

I meant you. Yes.

I am human.

Some of us are, you know.

[Phone Rings]
[Blair] I'll get it.

I'll get it. I got it.

Eastland School.

- Judge? Judge who?
- That's for me, Mr. Bradley.

Blair Warner? It's for you.

Yeah. Are you in trouble?

Well, I don't mean,
"Are you in trouble?"

What kind of trouble are you in?

No trouble.

He's the judge...
of a beauty contest.

Oh. [Clears Throat]

Excuse me.

This is kind of confidential.

Of course. Of course.

Judging beauty
contests by phone?

Hello, Judge Garfield?

Yes, this is Blair Warner,

Monica Warner's daughter.

Right. Um, remember
when you told my mother...

if she ever needed
anything to call?

Well, we need something.

I don't know what I'll say
when I first meet my real mother.

I'd say, "Hi, Mom.

Why did you dump me?"

- Natalie, you can't
say that to your mother.
- Sure you can.

If I were you, Nat, I
wouldn't say anything.

I'd just check her out.

What if I really do find her?

What'll I tell Mom? [Knocking]

Natalie, I... Hmm. [Book Thuds]

- What was that noise?
- Oh, I must've dropped a book.

Natalie, how are you
doing? I'm kinda confused.

Oh, about finding your mother?

Well, listen. The
choice is yours.

You don't have to make it today.

Mom would feel kinda
terrible, wouldn't she?

She sure would. Well, all right.

Come on, Natalie. Let's take
a walk and rap a little, all right?

Terrific news! The judge can
get us the information we want.

He's calling in an hour with
the name of your real mother.

[Chattering]

Boy, Natalie,
you're really lucky.

We've all known
our mothers for years,

and you're getting
a brand-new one.

A brand-new mother.
Listen, Natalie...

[Chattering] [Mrs. Garrett]
Wait a minute. Shh.

Girls. Blair, I want to know
exactly what's going on here.

Didn't you hear? Blair's
finding my real mother.

- How?
- It was easy.

I just called the
judge's office,

dropped a few important
names, and he called right back.

Well, it's not funny,
Blair. Blair! [Chattering]

What you're doing
is very dangerous,

and I want you to
stop it right now.

Mrs. Garrett,
Natalie's my friend.

I wouldn't do
anything to hurt her.

That's right! Mrs. Garrett,
this is my life, not yours.

Blair's doing me a big favor
by finding my real mother.

All right, Natalie. Come on.

We're gonna talk this over with
Mr. Bradley and your mother.

Come on. We're going
to the office right now.

Oh, yes, Roger, I feel exactly
the same way about you,

but I couldn't
possibly go that far.

No, I'm talking about
the drive to Schenectady.

Listen, I'd better
get off the phone.

We're expecting a call about
Natalie, my friend who's adopted.

Imagine.

What if I was adopted,
and you and I met,

and I found out that
you were my brother?

I'd have to k*ll myself.

Nancy, get off the phone.

You know I'm expecting
an important call.

This is important.
Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you were on the
phone with that creep, Roger.

You jerk! She was
only kidding, Roger.

What do you mean,
"She sounded cute"?

I'll call you back later. Bye.

I'd better call the judge.

He probably tried to call here while that
simp was on the phone with that wimp.

- Huh?
- Hello. Uh, Judge Garfield, please.

Tell him it's Monica
Warner's daughter again.

He'll probably trip over his
robe running to the phone.

Oh, brother.

Hello, Judge?

Yeah. Uh-huh, her adopted
name is Natalie Green.

Manhattan.

September nd,
. So she's a Virgo.

Thanks, Judge. Oh, and
give my love to my mom.

Bye-bye.

He'll call right back.

Some people at the Hall of
Records owe him a few favors.

It's like my mother says,

"You scratch my
back, I'll scratch yours."

Your mom sure is terrific to
do all this scratching for us,

especially since it
isn't even her itch.

Just be thankful that
Mother's between marriages.

Hey, you guys! I found this
organization called ALMA,

and it helps adopted people
track down their parents.

But you have to
be . [Tootie] Aw.

Blair, you're not gonna
go through with your

stupid plan to find
Natalie's mother, are you?

Sure. I just snipped some red tape,
and we're waiting for the phone to ring.

But don't you remember? Opening
sealed records is against the law.

- Says who?
- Dinah Shore.

And Charles Nelson
Reilly agreed with her.

Don't be so naive.

There are always loopholes.

And it's an unfair law. It
deserves to be looped.

[Rings]

This is it.

Excuse me.

- Hello. Yes, this is Blair Warner.
- Is that Roger?

Would you get out of
here? Excuse me, Judge.

Nancy, it's not Roger.

Oh, but I wish it was.

You're after Roger too. I
thought you were my friend.

Nancy, it's not Roger.

It's a judge who's helping us
track down Natalie's real mother.

Oh, that's all.

Thanks, Judge. Talk
to you later. Bye-bye.

Well, come on. What's her
name? You mean their names.

There were baby girls born in
Manhattan on Natalie's birthday.

Thirty-four? Is that all?

Wow, that must've
been a slow day.

He'll call back in a minute. He
thinks he can get the exact name.

I still say you're
doing the wrong thing.

But, you did get further
than I thought you would.

All it took was a
little "Warner magic."

Oh, Blair, this just came for you from
your father's company, Warner Fashions.

- Oh, terrific.
- Now, remember, I get to wear
the ' s look. You promised.

Just wait till you see
the wide shoulders.

They are... Wh-What is this?

[Cindy] What's the matter,
Blair? Come on. Let's see.

Hey, this is kinky.

No. No, no, no, no. This...
This must be a mistake.

This couldn't be from
my daddy's company.

Oh, yeah?

"Warner Fashions, Henri
of Hollywood Division."

Henri of Hollywood?

Isn't he the king
of passion fashion?

Yeah, I always read his ads in those
magazines I'm not allowed to read.

No, this was supposed to be from
the Warner Historical Department.

I could make
history in this baby.

Wow, I never saw
a nightie that had...

instructions.

What's the matter, Blair?

It's just a little more
"Warner magic."

These are called the
"switched-on sizzlers."

I guess when your bulbs burn
out, it means the honeymoon's over.

When Roger sees
me in this, he will die.

You'll both die. Mrs.
Garrett will k*ll you.

I will never live this down.

I just can't understand how you
could give Blair permission to search...

for Natalie's real mother. Oh,
Mr. Bradley, why don't you let me explain?

You'd better explain. I've had
it with your permissiveness.

This time you have gone too far.

I take that back. You've
gone far too far. What's this?

That's not the school uniform.

Uh, how do you turn that on?

Oh. No, don't tell me.

Henri's of Hollywood
at Eastland?

Oh, Mr. Bradley,

you could read that label
from across the room?

I don't need to read the label.
I've seen this stuff up close.

Oh?

Uh, don't change the subject.

Mr. Bradley, these aren't Blair's
kinky panties. They're her father's.

What?

No. He doesn't wear them.
He manufactures them.

Oh, what a family tree.

Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Why are we talking
about underwear?

I mean, we've got
a real problem here.

Natalie didn't have a problem until you
let Blair talk to that judge in New York.

Oh, Mr. Bradley, you can't
blame Mrs. Garrett for that.

You are in enough
trouble already.

You've opened a can of worms Natalie
will struggle with the rest of her life.

Blair was just
trying to be a friend.

Her heart was
in the right place.

But I don't know
where your head was.

Her head will be on a platter if
she gets ahold of that judge again.

Well, now, she's figured
this out already by herself.

It's too late, Mrs. Garrett. What
do you mean, "It's too late"?

The judge will be
calling here any minute...

with the name of
Natalie's real mother.

Already? Things are sure moving.

You can forget it. I'm not
letting you near that phone.

Well, that's no solution. You can't
keep her away from the phone forever.

That's right, Mr. Bradley.
Judge Garfield's easy to get to.

Sure, just ask Blair's mother.

I think you girls have helped Natalie
enough. Now, why don't you go upstairs?

No, no, no. Now, wait, girls.
Wait. Please, Mr. Bradley.

We're all in on this.

Let 'em stay. Come on.

Natalie.

You know, you've got
two families already...

Your real family at home and
then another one here, right?

[Girls] Right. Why, you're
just surrounded with love.

I know I have a lot of families,

but shouldn't I be looking
for my real parents?

Your mother and your
father are your parents.

They chose you to
be their very own.

Sure. They picked you
from a cast of thousands.

Yeah. And can
the rest of us say,

if we were up for grabs,
we would've been chosen?

I can only speak
for myself. Yes.

Well, you asked me a question.

Natalie, I'm sure you've
discussed this with your parents.

What do they say? Oh, they
said my real parents were healthy.

But I gotta know more.

There's an empty
space inside of me.

I'm incomplete.

Well, you won't be
after the call comes.

You don't feel incomplete
because you're adopted.

You feel incomplete 'cause
you're . It's part of growing up.

Yeah, Natalie, you don't have to be
adopted to feel weird about yourself.

I'm not adopted,
and I feel weird.

Sure. Sometimes I just look
in the mirror and start to cry.

I know how you feel.

When I look at
you, I start to cry too.

Oh! [Chuckles]

Listen. Don't you girls ever
look at yourselves in the mirror...

and say, "Who am I?"

Hmm? Oh, come on.

I remember I did it. Hmm?

I do.

Me too.

See? You're not the only
one who feels different.

Anyone else?

Well, I'm only human.

I know that you girls
see me as your leader...

Cool, detached,
separate from the flow of...

Thank you, Mr. Bradley.

Okay, okay. [Clears Throat]

Even I have my insecurities,

and I'm not talking about
Daddy and his electric underwear.

Natalie, I'm not saying that
you don't have special feelings...

and questions that you
want to be answered.

I'm suggesting that perhaps now
isn't the time to seek the answers.

If you want to find your natural
mother, there'll be time for that...

when you've done
a little more growing.

In the meantime, you
have a mother at home...

with a special kind of
loving she has for you.

This is for you.

Uh, it's a poem I clipped
out of the newspaper.

It could have been
written by your mother.

"Not flesh of my flesh,

"not bone of my bone,

"but still miraculously my own.

"Never forget for
a single minute...

"you didn't grow under my heart,

but in it."

[Clears Throat]

That's, uh... That's...
That's wonderful.

Uh, could you have that xeroxed?

That's really
nice, Mrs. Garrett.

[Phone Rings]

Here comes the judge.

[Ringing Continues]

I think it's for you, Natalie.

Are you ready for it?

[Ringing Continues]

Hey, how about everybody
coming up to my room?

We could finish some of
Mom's seven-layer cake.

- [Sue Ann] Okay.
- [Tootie] All right, Natalie.

[Chuckling] [Ringing Continues]

♪ When the boys you
used to hate you date ♪

♪ I guess you best investigate ♪

♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪

♪ If you hear 'em
from your brother ♪

♪ Better clear 'em
with your mother ♪

♪ Gotta get 'em
right The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ It's time you
started finding out ♪

♪ The facts of
life are all about ♪

♪ You ♪♪