01x03 - The Return of Mr. Garrett

[bunniefuu]

♪ There's a place you gotta go ♪

♪ For learning all you oughta
know about the facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When your books are
what you're there about ♪

♪ But looks are
what you care about ♪

♪ The time is right to
learn the facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ It's time you
started finding out ♪

♪ What everything is all about ♪

♪ When the boys you
used to hate you date ♪

♪ I guess you best
investigate the facts of life ♪

♪ You gotta get 'em right ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪♪ [Woman Vocalizing]

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪♪

Now, after this weekend, we're heading
into the toughest part of the semester.

So that means we
gotta cut down on TV,

phone calls, gab sessions,
and concentrate on your studies.

Mr. Bradley, haven't
you ever heard the saying,

"All work and no play,
makes Jack a dull boy?"

- Well, even a dull boy
would be welcome around here.
- [All Agreeing]

[Clears Throat] Yes.

Well... [Clears Throat]
we have to buckle down.

Miss Mahoney.

Uh, shall we tell them about the
surprise history test on Friday?

What? No! No!

Nah, let's just keep
it a surprise. Oh.

Come on. Let's get the
Ouija board out. Okay.

The lights.

Blair, ask how we're
gonna do on the test.

Forget it, Molly.

Let's ask it an
important question.

Tell me, Ouija, how old
will I be when I get married?

[All Chanting] Doo-doo, doo-doo.
Doo-doo, doo-doo. Doo-doo, doo-doo.

Three. Doo-doo, doo-doo.
Doo-doo, doo-doo. Doo-doo, doo-doo.

Thirty.

Thirty? You won't even
have your own teeth.

Natalie, let's see if we
can get through to Harvey,

my dead hamster.

Oh, Harvey,

wherever you are in that
big hamster cage in the sky,

if you hear me, say
something... just give me a sign.

[Knocks]

Come in, Harvey.

Hey, Harvey, for a dead hamster,

you sure are a snappy dresser.

I was told I could
find Mrs. Garrett here.

You know Mrs. Garrett?
Our Mrs. Garrett?

- Intimately.
- Intimately?

Well, she's not here
right now. Please come in.

Well, thank you. Ah,
won't you sit down?

[Chuckling] You're very kind.

Hi. My name's Sue Ann.
And this is Tootie... Hi.

Blair, Nancy... Hello.

Cindy... Hi.

- Natalie and Molly.
- Hello.

- Hello, I'm Robert Garrett.
- Mrs. Garrett's husband?

- Ex.
- Wow, an X-rated husband.

You were married to Mrs.
Garrett? Our Mrs. Garrett?

- Until she divorced me.
- On what grounds, insanity?

Would you like to
see a card trick? Oh...

Oh, not now, Tootie. Don't bore
Mr. Garrett with your silly card tricks.

Well, as a matter of
fact, I love card tricks.

Well, in that case.

Uh, pick a card, any card.

Any card. [Chuckling] Uh-huh.

Now what? Uh, memorize it...

and put it back
in the deck. Hmm.

Uh, anywhere. Anywhere?

Uh-huh. [Chuckling]

Check this out. Yeah.

[Exhales]

It's gotta be in here somewhere.

This has never
happened to me before.

I-I think it was the
of diamonds.

I know it's the of
diamonds, but where is it?

Yeah, well, could this be it?

How did you do that?

Girls, the shopping
was just awful.

I tell you that I...
I... [Stammering]

Robert. Mmm!

What are you doing?

If she doesn't know what he's doing,
no wonder the marriage didn't work.

Robert, you come
here out of the blue,

kiss me like that
in front of my girls.

No, I'm sorry. Uh, girls,
would you mind turning around?

Edna... Robert...
Edna... Robert...

Is there someplace
that we can talk?

We have nothing in common
anymore. There's nothing to talk about.

Edna. Mmm!

Well, we'll think of
a subject. [Laughs]

Can you believe it?

Our Mrs. Garrett must
have had some wild past.

Yeah, and her immediate future
doesn't look too shabby either. Whoa!

You know, it... it's
been quite a while.

Over three years, Robert.

Well, how much do
you need this time?

Edna, why is it every
time I come around,

you think it's to borrow money
to pay off a gambling debt?

Because every time you come around, it's
to borrow money to pay off a gambling debt.

Aw, but, honey,
that's all changed.

Why, with my new job, I won't
even be able to touch a deck of cards.

I'm going to be reservations manager
in the new hotel in Atlantic City.

It'll be nine to five.

Are those the hours or the odds?

Look, Edna... [Chuckle]

I only took this
job because of you.

And if I can come home to
you every night, I'll keep it.

Will you marry me again?

Well, it's taking you
a long time to answer.

I should have taken that
long to answer the first time.

Listen, honey, remember all
the good times we used to have?

Remember our apartment in
New York overlooking Central Park?

Hmm. The rides
in the hansom cab.

And those moonlight
boat rides on the lake.

Remember the time
we almost fell in?

Oh, honey, let's
rekindle that old spark.

Let me take you to the best
restaurant in town, hmm?

Violins, champagne, candlelight.

At : in the afternoon?

I need all the help I can get.

Robert, promise me
one thing. Anything.

If you ask me to marry
you again, and I say "yes,"

can we make it two out of three?

They've been gone
for three hours.

Don't you think they should
have been back by now?

He took her to
lunch at La Maison.

That's the fanciest
restaurant in town.

If he took her to a place like that, he
must have something up his sleeve.

It better be money, 'cause
that place costs a fortune.

They've been divorced
for years now.

Why do you think
Mr. Garrett came back?

Maybe he forgot his laundry.

Did you see the way they looked
at each other on the way out?

I didn't notice
anything special.

Are you kidding? They looked to me
like they got the hots for each other.

At their age?

Maybe they have the
"lukewarms" for each other.

Do you know what I think?

I bet he came back to
ask her to marry him again.

If you ask me, I think that
they should just live together.

Without being married?
She wouldn't do that.

It's not right for people
to just live together.

Why not? We do.

[Chattering] It's them.

Come on. Let's get out of
here and give 'em a little privacy.

But, Sue Ann, what happens if
they get married and he moves in?

He can't move in.
Why not? Why not?

We don't have a men's room.

Come on. Let's go.

Molly!

[Laughing] ♪ I'm
forever blowing bubbles ♪

Oh, I shouldn't have had
that last drink of champagne,

or even the first.

Oh, you were always a
terrible influence on me.

I never drank so much
champagne in my life.

[Both Laughing] [Phone Rings]

Oh. Oh-ho. Mm-hmm. [Giggling]

[Rings]

Hello, Mrs. Garrett
here. Who are you?

Oh, Mr. Bradley. [Clears Throat]

[Squeals]

I made out the
menus for next week.

Uh, you want them
now? Am I busy?

Well, my hands are full.

Oh, oh, I... I-I have...

I have the menus in my purse.

All right. I'll bring 'em
over right away. I...

Mmm. I...

Good-bye.

Excuse me, Robert. I have to
run something over to the office.

I-I'll be right back. Yeah,
Yeah. Do... Do-Do hurry back.

I will. [Kisses]

♪ Oh, every time it rains ♪

♪ It rains pennies from heaven ♪

♪ Don't you know... ♪♪
Excuse me.

Oh, of course, uh, cutie.

- That's Tootie.
- [Laughs]

You know, you made me
look pretty dumb this morning.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

All the girls here can
do something special.

The only thing I've got going
for me was that lousy card trick.

Yeah. Well, would you like
me to teach you another one?

No, you took all
the magic out of it.

Oh, I'm sorry. Well, I'll
try a little solitary poker.

Oh, poker. Could you teach me?

My daddy plays
that all the time.

And if I can get him in a game,
maybe I can up my allowance.

Why, sure. I'll be
glad to teach you.

[Clears Throat] All right now.

Hmm. Hey, this is great.

Then we can teach the girls.

Sure. And you can
play for something.

Like, uh, toothpicks
or matchsticks.

What you got against cash?

Thanks, Mr. Bradley. Okay.

Don't put it away, Mr. Bradley.

I have to take another
$ out of my account.

You too? Boy, there really has
been a run on the bank this week.

Well, it's my brother's birthday
tomorrow, and I have to send him a gift.

Uh, you sent your brother
a gift yesterday, Nancy,

and your sister the day before.

Uh, well, this is
for another brother.

You certainly have a full house.

If I did, I wouldn't be asking
you for money. Thank you.

Oh, Mr. Bradley. I need more
dollars for some hockey equipment.

More hockey equipment?

Well, okay, I guess. Oh, thanks.

No, now, wait...
Wait a minute, Cindy.

On Monday, you drew out
money for a hockey stick.

On Tuesday, for skates.
Now, what's this $ for?

Uh, ice.

- Mr. Bradley.
- [Clears Throat]

Natalie's mother just called.
She would like to know...

why you are charging the girls
$ each for biology supplies.

What are you talking about? I
didn't order any biology supplies.

Still using last year's frog.

Mr. Bradley, are you
trying to drive me cuckoo?

No, just trying to handle this run on the
bank. Suddenly, everybody needs money.

Molly, what are you doing here
again? I told you we're bankrupt.

Your account is
zip, zero, zilch.

No problem, Mr. Bradley. When the well runs
dry, you can't get blood from a turnip.

We all have to pull in our belts.
Can I use your yellow pages?

Uh, yellow pages.
Yeah, sure. There you go.

Uh, what... what do
you want them for?

I'm gonna look up a pawn
shop so I can hock my typewriter.

Hock her typewriter? She
doesn't own a typewriter.

That is our typewriter.

I better check this out.

Okay, I'll see your bet
and raise you cents.

Come on, Nancy.
What are you gonna do?

- I don't know.
- Oh, here.

Hmm, three queens.
You should go out.

- So what are you
gonna do, Natalie?
- Oh, I have two fours.

I see your raise
and up it a quarter.

Natalie, what are
you raising for?

Two fours does not beat queens.

I know that, and you know that.

But how do we know
that she knows that?

Who's the winner,
Mr. Garrett. You know the rules.

Oh, forget about
my rules, Molly,

- Tootie's rules are more fun.
- I guess I win.

Hold it, itchy fingers.

Read 'em and weep.

All red.

Come to Mama.

You're really nice to teach us
how to play poker, Mr. Garrett.

This is much more
fun than studying.

Too bad we have to stop
playing and start studying...

so we don't flunk our
history test tomorrow.

What do you mean,
"stop playing"?

Shut up and deal!

♪ Here I go again ♪

♪ I hear the
trumpets blow again ♪

♪ I'm all aglow again ♪

♪ Taking a chance on love ♪

♪♪ [Scatting] You're glad Robert
showed up, aren't you, Mrs. Garrett?

Oh, I'm havin'
one heck of a time!

I was about your age
when I first met him.

Fresh off the farm. And
he was a smooth city slicker.

Gorgeous. Swept
me right off my feet.

How romantic. But,
why'd you break up?

Well, dear, one
day the bubble burst.

I came home and all
the furniture was gone.

He had to sell it to pay
off his gambling debts.

How tacky.

Couldn't you tell
he was a gambler?

How is a gambler
supposed to look, hmm?

Besides, I was
and madly in love.

Girls, you have no idea what it is to be
married to a gambler who cannot quit.

Mrs. Garret, you should have
dumped him. A guy like that is bad news.

But they were in love. You've
gotta work through the tough times.

That's what my mom told me,
and she has a happy marriage.

Big deal. My mom knows much
more about happy marriages.

She's had three of them.

Look, I know I'm an
incurable romantic.

Well, I hope you're
not contagious.

Look, Sue Ann, marriage
is enough of a gamble...

without starting off with the
deck stacked against you.

Look, if you plan on
a trip, you don't get

off the bus because
of one little flat tire.

How could you reason with someone
who would take a trip on a bus?

Okay, let's say your
Mercedes has a flat tire.

What do you do, junk it?

No, I'd just take my Jaguar.

Look, Sue Ann, we're talking
about Mrs. Garrett's future happiness.

We can't send her out
in an old clunker like that.

Mr. Garrett is not a clunker.

What are you gonna
do now, Mrs. Garrett?

I don't know. He
says he's changed.

Oh, my head says, "Forget it."

But my heart says, "Who knows?"

I got to admit, I'm tempted.

Go with your heart, Mrs.
Garrett. Take a ride with him.

Take my advice, Mrs.
Garrett. Wait for a cab.

[Knocks] [Mr.
Bradley] Mrs. Garrett.

Come in.

Mrs. Garrett. What is going on?

We've been all over the
campus, and nobody's talking.

- What do you mean?
- All the girls are drawing
their money out of the bank.

They're going through their savings faster
than Carter goes through his cabinet.

What in the world are
they spending it on?

Oh, that's simple. Let's go
upstairs and ask the girls.

Mrs. Garrett, I will bet this
problem is of your doing.

You don't know what
you're talking about.

I don't have to know what I'm
talking about. I'm management.

Gotta blame somebody. Coming?

I'll be right along.

[Door Opens, Closes]
[Chuckles, Sighs]

♪ Taking a chance on ♪

♪ Love ♪♪

Ahh!

Okay. We'll play
Mississippi riverboat, lowball.

One-eyed jacks, dirty
ladies and deuces are wild.

What is going one here?

Don't look now, guys, but
I think we are in trouble.

That man. Who is that man?

- Mrs. Garrett's ex-husband.
- Our Mrs. Garrett?

What are you doing here?

What is a man doing in a girls
dormitory? I need an explanation.

Ah, it's simple.
I'm Robert Garrett.

Stephen Bradley. Nice to meet you,
and how soon can you be out of here?

All right, girls.
The game is over.

Wait a minute,
I'm out six bucks.

Now, Cindy, and all of you girls...
women... I'm a liberal educator.

But gambling at Eastland? Never.

Playing cards with children?

Who's playing? I only taught Tootie.
I'm just coaching the other girls.

- It... It's just a game.
- That's right.

Making money out
of it was my idea.

That's the American way.

Mr. Bradley, do you realize
what's happened here? Yes.

I didn't think so.

What has happened here is that
girls who were entrusted to us...

have been turned into
cutthroat card sharks.

Miss Mahoney... Now that
they're hooked on gambling,

they're getting
into the heavy stuff.

Lying to their parents and to us
to get poker money? Look at them.

What we have here are
the Muppets of Monte Carlo.

Don't you think you're
overreacting? It isn't as if...

the girls blew up
the school bus, or...

Or anything like
that. [Clears Throat]

Are you condoning this gambling?
I wouldn't think of condoning it.

Now, wait a minute.
Poker isn't that bad.

You can learn something from it.

Yeah. Poker's educational.

It's a great sport. You
could really learn from it.

Everything from
psychology to arithmetic.

You may have a
point. The deed is done.

Let's see if we can get something positive
out of this... a... a learning experience.

I have a learning experience
for you, Mr. Bradley.

There are directors
on the school board.

Three of them vote to retain a
headmaster who condones gambling.

How many vote to kick him out?

[All] Eight.

Girls, you've helped me
come to a... a decision.

From here on out, gambling
is kaput, finished, over.

And to help you learn
this point, I will accept

this poker money for
our scholarship fund.

Ah, well, that's a good
idea. Yes. [Chuckling]

Hey, whatever happened
to free enterprise?

You have the cards,
Natalie? Thank you.

All right now.
Back to the books.

What is it, Robert?

What are you doing?

Oh, it-it... it's not
what it seems.

Look, I can explain all of this.

Mrs. Garrett, I trust you'll escort
Nick "the Greek" to the state line?

Coming, Miss Mahoney?

Well, I guess... I guess
it looks bad, huh, Edna?

You're not teaching
my girls to...

Well, now-now what's wrong with
teaching them how to play cards?

You really don't see
what's wrong about it, do ya?

Oh, I've never
seen such... such...

Nerve? Gall?

Chutzpah?

You know, when I saw you
tonight, I was gonna say "yes" to ya.

Well, you can still say "yes."

Look, it-it's all different now.
Come on, Edna. Take a chance.

Yeah, Mrs. Garrett. Go for it.

You better think before
you go for it, Mrs. Garrett.

Marriages are based on trust,
and how can you trust a gambler?

Yeah, but everyone has faults.

And remember, Mrs. Garrett.
None of us are getting any younger.

Marrying the wrong man at any age is
no answer. Mrs. Garrett doesn't need that.

Molly, you're forgetting
the most important part.

He makes her happy.

Besides, it'll save her the bother
of breaking in a new husband.

It could be so romantic.

If you got married again, you could take
your second honeymoon on the Mississippi,

since he has to go
to St. Louis anyway.

Going to St. Louis?

Girls, would you
excuse us a minute?

St. Louis, huh? I remember.

That's where the big poker
game is held this time every year.

Yeah, well, I... I was gonna stop in
St. Louis on my way to Atlantic City.

And, you know, just wish the guys
luck. [Chuckling] Public relations.

Oh, sure. Sure, it'll start in St. Louis,
and then you'll go on to Chicago,

Vegas, Reno, the whole circuit.

Oh, now, Edna... Edna, don't make
any quick decisions. I really need you.

Yep, you need me.

And after all these years,
I finally understand why.

You need me to be your guardian.

Someone who will write
your excuses for ya...

when you're late for school.

Oh, Robert, you need me,
but for all the wrong reasons.

Well, that's not true. I need
you for all the right reasons.

Oh, Robert, I can't dance that
dance anymore. The price is too high.

Okay, Edna. First thing you learn
in poker is when to fold your hand.

But there'll be other
games... I mean, other times.

So long, baby.

Yeah.

[Door Closes]

Oh, it's so romantic.

I could just cry.

Uh... [Stammering] Not
that we were listening.

Mrs. Garrett, did
you kick him out?

She couldn't. She loves him.

Well, girls, you're
both right. I love him,

and I kicked him out.

All right.

Girls, on the double.

It's time to start studying for your
Friday surprise history exam. Come on.

Gosh, it's so sad.

Well, look at the bright
side. What bright side?

We'll just get out
the Ouija board...

and find out who Mrs.
Garrett's next boyfriend will be.

[All] Right. Oh, girls, girls.

All right, girls.
Shake your booty!

♪ There's a place you gotta go ♪

♪ For learning all you oughta
know about the facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When your books are
what you're there about ♪

♪ But looks are
what you care about ♪

♪ The time is right to
learn the facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ It's time you
started finding out ♪

♪ What everything
is all about ♪♪