01x17 - The Man with the Golden Wrist

[bunniefuu]

[Smooches]

Good morning.

Good morning.

You know I was just
dreaming I was asleep...

and a beautiful woman
was kissing my ear.

- That was me.
- No, it wasn't.

- What's that?
- Happy birthday. Open it.

- Now?
- Sure. Why not?

Well, there were a couple
of things I wanted to do first...

but they can wait.

Hey, a watch--
a Pierrejordeaux.

“This-- This is the finest,
most accurate watch in the world.“

- Is it really?
- That's what it says on the box.

Oh, I should've
gotten you up earlier.

Uh, honey, read what it says
on the back of the watch.

“To Bob, the most wonderful
husband in the world.

I love you, love you, love you,
love you, Switzerland.“

No.

It says “Emily“
in there somewhere.

Oh, yeah. It's right
under “Switzerland?

Well, I-l wanted to get
that extra “love you“ in there.

Well, I-- I love you
and I love my watch.

Oh, well, the woman in the store says it'll
only lose or gain a couple of seconds a month.

- Is that right?
- Mm-hmm.

It's wrong now.
It says : .

No, that's right.
They set it in the store.

Well, then why does
it say : ?

And why does
that clock say : ?

Well, it's : . It's your birthday.
I wanted to let you sleep a little longer.

Oh, that's great. My first day
with a new watch, and I'm gonna be late.

Well, at least you know
how late you're gonna be...

'cause you got the finest,
most accurate watch in the whole world.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

- Morning, Carol.
- Oh, hi, Bob. Listen, I just want to tell you--

Carol, save the happy birthdays.
I'm sort of funny about that.

I mean, everybody every year
has a birthday, and it's no big deal.

I mean, I know it's my birthday.
You know it's my birthday.

Is it your birthday, Bob?

Well, happy birthday.

- Come on. You knew it was my birthday.
- Bob, how would I know?

Do you know
when my birthday is?

It's, uh-- It's
in the middle ofjuly.

You were close. February.

Well, anyway, uh,
thanks for the happy birthday...

and that's all I want to hear
about birthdays, okay?

Oh, you, uh-- you didn't see
what I got for my birthday.

Oh, Bob.just beautiful.

Great cufflinks.

No, the great watch.

Oh, that's nice too.

Yeah, it was a surprise.
I got it in bed this morning.

That sounds good...

even without the watch.

Uh, anyway, Carol,
I'd appreciate it...

if you didn't telljerry
or any of the other guys on the floor...

that it's my birthday, okay?

Bob, why are you so funny
about your birthday?

Well, it goes back a long way.
My mother always made me wear a funny hat...

and, you know, everybodyd
make a big fuss over it.

It sort of embarrassed me,
you know, the phony attention.

Oh, Bob, that's great you can figure that out.
That's really healthy.

Well, it's my business.

Hi, Bob. Got a little something
for you here.

NowJerry, I was hoping you'd forget about it
and you wouldn't make a big deal out of it...

'cause I'm-- well, I'm sort of
embarrassed by it, you know?

A reminder that your teeth
need cleaning embarrasses you?

- I thought it was a birthday card.
- Hey, Bob, is it your birthday?

- You knew it was my birthday.
- No, I didn't...

but that's some ego you've got there, imagining
everybody knows when it's your birthday.

Have you ever considered
seeing a shrink?

Anyway, I hope you're
not putting me on...

and when we go to lunch there are gonna be
a lot of guys with gag gifts...

like we did for Tupperman
last month.

But that was different. Everybody knew
it was Tupperman's birthday.

Remember, he sent around
a memo with his sizes?

He even sent around
the size of his tires.

Yeah. Bob, I'm gonna
make you feel real good.

We'll go to the snack machines for lunch,
so there'll be no surprises.

It'll just be
another bad lunch.

That's the way
I like it,jerry.

But you do celebrate
your birthday, don't you, Bob?

I mean, Emily must know.
She's your own wife.

Somebodys coming.
You want me to go.

Jerry...

that's my present from Emily.

Wow. Hey, Bob, that's a Pierrejordeaux.
Wow. That's really an expensive watch.

Yeah, I-l know.
It must've cost... $ , $ ?

Are you kidding?
It cost five times that, O times that.

No. No.

Bob, that is a Pierrejordeaux.

You just don't pick those up
in a drugstore.

I mean, that's got to be worth
at least a thousand bucks.

No.

No, Emily would never
do a thing like that--

a stupid thing like that.

Bob, somebody must have done it.
If you don't believe me, call thejewelry store.

- They'll tell you how much it cost.
- I don't care how much it cost.

I mean, it's a gift. I'm-l'm not interested
in how much it cost...

even ifit cost $ .

It cost a lot more than $ .

- $ ?
- It cost a lot more than $ .

Okay, Bob. If you won't do it,
I'll do it.

Hello, uh, Carol?

Will you get us Whitmaflsjewelers
on Michigan Boulevard please? Thank you.

Okay, Bob. I'll bet you five dollars
it cost over a thousand dollars.

If it's over a thousand, I win five bucks.
If it's under a thousand, you win five bucks.

If it's a thousand even,
we're even.

Butjerry, I don't want to win. I don't want
to lose. I don't want to get even.

L-jerry, it couldn't cost that much
'cause look at how thin it is.

Bob, that's the point.
The thinner it is, the better it is.

It's like, uh, pancakes.

[ Buzzes]

- Yeah.
- [Carol ] Whitmaflsjewelers, line one.

Hello, Whitmaflsjewelers?
To whom am I speaking please?

Uh-huh. Well, would you hold the line
a moment please? Thank you.

Okay, Bob. There you go.
You'll be speaking to Maurice.

Jerry, I don't want
to talk to-- Maurice?

Yeah, this is Bob Hartley.

Uh, listen, I just, uh-- I just
got a Pierrejordeaux watch...

and I was wondering
how much it cost.

Just curious.

It's a, uh, birthday present
from-from my wife.

Thank you very much.

I'm-I'm .

Well, it's, uh--
it's pretty thin.

No, thinner than that.

About two pancakes.

The good kind, right.

So, how much does it cost?

You-- You're kidding.

There must be some mistake.
I know my wife couldn't have paid more than...

$ , $ for it.

I know it's not hot.

I know it's the finest watch
in the world.

Thank you very much.

Wh-What?

It's, uh, minutes after : .

How much, Bob?
I won, didn't I?

Jerry, you know, Emily and I have
given each other nice gifts before, but...

I mean, this-this isn't
a nice gift.

- How much, Bob?
- $ , .

They've gone UP-

Jerry, why-- why would she
spend so much for a watch?

- She loves you, Bob.
- She better have a better reason than that.

Buzzes

- Yeah.
- [ Carol] Mr. Carolla's here.

Thank you. UhJerry,
I got a patient.

Okay, Bob. I'll see ya.
Oh, uh, Bob...

I know it's your birthday, and you're touchy
about it, but you know that five dollars?

- You want me to keep it.
- I'd kind of like it now. I'm a little short today.

You told me to treat it
just like any other day, Bob.

Thank you, Bob,
and happy... day.

Oh, hi.
Hi, Dr. Hartley.

Hi, Mr. Carolla. Good morning.
Good to see you.

Do you want to sit down?

Well, how's, uh--
how's everything going?

Oh, not too good.

L, uh, still can't seem
to get a job.

My, uh, wife's pressuring me
for the alimony.

I-I don't know.
I, um, may have to sell my car.

Things are really rough,
you know?

But why am I telling you this?
I mean, you got to work like everybody else.

You know how hard it is.»...

to save a buck these days.

Yeah, it's rough.

Hi, Emily.

Hi, birthday boy.
How was your day?

Well,just like all days,
you know-- some ups, some downs...

some good, some bad.

- Some bad.
- [ Laughs] Well, let me see the watch.

- The watch.
- Uh-huh.

Okay.

Bob, what's it doing
in a handkerchief?

L, uh--l didn't want
to wear it on the subway.

Why not?

[Clears Throat] Emily,
I-- I want to talk to you about the watch.

What's the matter, Bob?
Doesn't it work?

- It works fine.
- Oh, it's the gold. You don't like the gold.

- No, the gold is great.
- You found out how much it cost.

You zeroed in on it.

Oh, you know, Bob,
it's really incredible.

I mean, I had no intention
of spending that much money.

I mean, I wanted to buy you
a really nice watch.

Then I went into the store,
and the lady showed me this watch.

Then she told me how much it cost,
and I said, “That is way out of line.“

Yeah, well,
so far I'm with you.

[Clears Throat]
Well, see...

then she showed me another watch for $ ,
and there was no comparison.

I wanted to get you
the best watch I could...

so even though this cost $ , ,
I took it.

Emily, I could have
gotten it for$ , .

Well, Bob, I-l mean...

it is my money, you know.

I earned it teaching.
I mean, I'm not counting.

I'm not saying what's yours is yours
and what's mine is mine.

I mean, I know it's our money,
yours and mine equally.

I mean, all I'm saying is...

I-I bought that watch
out of my half.

[Clears Throat]

Emily, let me get a piece of paper,
and we'll figure this out.

Now, um...

you made $ , last year
as a substitute teacher.

Yeah. Oh, uh, and don't forget
the money I made tutoring.

- $ .
- Mm-hmm.

And, oh, that macramé course
I taught at Camp Hiataka.

Ten dollars.

Anything else?

Oh, uh-- Yeah, I worked on the committee
for better pay for teachers.

Nothing.

Bob, what are you getting at?

What I'm getting at, Emily,
is approximately $ , .

Now, out of the $ , ..

You already spent $ ,
for the car.

Well, Bob, I mean,
I know the watch is extravagant.

L-I know it's luxurious, but--

Well, I-l don't do this
all the time, you know?

It was very hard. I mean,
I tore up three checks before I got it right.

But I wanted you to have it,
so-- so enjoy it.

[Sighs]
Emily,I--

I wouldn't mind if you had
spent $ , on a-- on a piano...

you know, because a-- I mean,
a $ piano is no good.

But a $ watch will do
the same thing that watch does...

and with the money left over
you could buy a--

a piano.

Then you'd have a piano
and a watch for the--

for the price of that watch.

You know, Bob,
I never realized it before.

You're cheap.

For somebody who's cheap,
I'm wearing a pretty expensive watch.

Well, if you don't like it,
you canjust take it back.

No, I can't take it back, because there isn't
too big a demand for watches that say...

“To Bob, the most wonderful
husband in the world.“

Well, I'd certainly like
to rewrite that.

- I'm going for a walk.
- I'm going with you.

Emily, you missed
the whole point of the walk.

The reason I am going with you
is so we can go to a restaurant for dinner.

- Well, I'm not hungry.
- Well, that's no excuse.

We're going to
the Cordon Bleu restaurant.

Oh, no.

Have you set something up?

I mean, the thing I've been
trying to avoid all day...

is just about to happen, right?

Don't be so sure, Bob.
[Chuckles]

But I better change my suit.

And you better wear the watch.
They're all gonna want to see it.

All right. Now,
they're all in there, Bob...

and please, for my sake,
try and act surprised.

Are they out in the open
or under the tables or behind the drapes...

just waiting tojump out at me?

Come on now, Bob. I mean,
please don't let on that we've had a fight.

A lot of people have gone to
a lot oftroublejust for you.

Okay.

Well,would you smile?

I am smiling.

Could you use the other lip?

- How's this?
- Oh, it's not important to smile.

Just act happy and relaxed.

Happy and relaxed.
You got it.

Surprise' [All]
- Happy birthday!

What a surprise. You really
shouldn't have done it, really.

[Jerry] Fantastic, Bob,
Are you really surprised?

I've known him since he was a small boy,
and I've never seen him so surprised.

I-I-I really was surprised.

I thought Emily and I were gonna
have dinner alone in this banquet room.

- [All ] Oh.
- I didn't say anything.

Bob, you were surprised,
weren't you?

- I really was.
- Really?

Excuse me a minute. Excuse me.
Bob, I'd like you to meet my date.

This is Wendy Rivers.
This is Bob Hartley.

- How do you do, Bob?
- How do you do? I'm surprised to meet you.

You, uh, didn't notice my car
out front, did you?

- No.
- Well, that's because I parked seven blocks away.

I was so nervous I dented the little
sports car right in back of me.

What kind of a sports car?

Uh, it was Italian, I think.
Let me see. Black with a red top.

- That's my car.
- Oh.

Well, I didn't know. I was going to
leave a note on the windshield...

but I thought the wind
might blow it away.

I tell you, this is perfect. I can
give it to you in person. Do you have a pen?

I'm really, uh--
really relaxed and happy, Emily.

Oh, Bob. Emily and I have been
planning this party for two weeks...

and we were so afraid
you'd find out.

It was all I could do to keep from
breaking up every time I saw you at work.

The surprise is over.
You can break up now.

- That must have felt real good.
- Oh, it did.

- Listen, why don't we sit down, everybody?
- [ Chattering]

There are place cards. You're up there.
Aunt May, you're here.

Wendy and Howard--
We're, uh-- We're down here.

You're here, CaroLjerry.

Uh, Bob--

- I, uh, don't have to wear a funny hat?
- No.

[Tupperman]
Say, what time is it?

- Uh, it's : .
- Oh, Howard. Not you.

I was trying a clever way to get Bob
to show us his new watch.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Bob, what time is it?

[All] Oh!

- Bob, you got the greatest wife in the world.
- Oh, thankyouJerry.

Yeah, she's, uh--
she's generous.

Generous to a fault,
you might say.

[Murmuring]

Okay, time for the gifts.

Oh, okay, Tuppy-

Things should start picking up now.
It's gonna be a great party. I can feel it.

[Chattering]

- Oh, excuse me.
- [ Howard] Oh, wow.

Well, thank you very much.
That's very nice...

and I really appreciate it.

And, uh, thanks again.

- Bob--
- [ Carol] Bob!

Aren't you going
to open the gifts?

- Have?
- [Jerry] Of course.

I-I don't want to bore everybody.
I thought I'd open them at home.

[All] Oh, Bob!

I mean, that is the point
of the whole thing.

Everybody wants to see how happy you are
when you open those gifts.

Open that brown one first. That's from me.
He's gonna love that. It's really funny.

Oh, what could it be?

I have a feeling these are
gag giftsJerry.

No, no, they're serious.

Pacifier.

-I lied.
- That's kind offunnyJerry.

You see, a pacifier,
that's funny.

You give a psychologist a pacifier,
and that's a very funnyjoke.

Oh, yes. Uh-huh.

This is from Edith and Al.

“This is for when you go out of town
for your next psychology convention.”

Wonder what this could be.

A nightlight.

Psychologists are not supposed to be afraid
of the dark, and a night light, that's funny.

Uh-huh. I get it.

And this is from Dr. Tupperman.

This is the funniest one
of the bunch.

Bath toys.

Bath toys!
Now, that's really funny.

See, Bob doesn't take a bath.
He takes a shower.

And this one is from...

Uncle Harry and Aunt May.

“Wishing you a happy birthday
and many happy returns.“

What's the matter with Bob? I mean, he
doesn't look like he's having a very good time.

Oh, nothing. Wejust had a little disagreement
about the cost of his watch. That's all.

What's the matter
with Bob? Did Emily say?

Yeah. They're having a fight
about the price of the watch.

- Pajamas. - Of course, if they're
wrong, you can always return them.

- What?
- [ Emi/Jw] No, he ' / a size “B. ”

- Do you get thatjoke?
- No.

Neither do I.

Maybe it's funny because
Bob is a psychologist.

No, psychologists wear pajamas
like anybody else.

Uh, Bob, this side of the table
doesn't get thatjoke.

- Well, who told you that?
- He did.

- It came down the table.
- Well, I don't believe it.

- What's the matter, Howard?
- You and Emily are getting a divorce...

because she spent
$ , on a watch?

Where do you want this, in the den,
on the balcony, or in the lobby by the pond?

Emily, I thinkyou're silly
for not talking to me.

After all, it is the day
of my birth, you know.

- What time is it?
- : .

It's the clay
after your birth.

Emily, it's obvious that
you're holding something in...

and the only way to settle an argument
is to let it all out.

[Sighs]

Well, that's a start.
You want to expand on that?

Emily, even though
I hate birthday parties...

and surprise birthday parties
more than all...

I think it was a lovely evening.

Bob, this night is in contention
for possibly the worst night of my life.

Now that you mention it.

You didn't even try. You did everything
you could to make yourself have a bad time.

That is not true.
I really put out.

I mean, O candles in one puff
is not dogging it.

You know what I mean.

Emily, I don't want
to get back into that.

I'm exhausted from
having such a good time.

I'm going to bed...

unless you have
another surprise for me.

I did have, but you're
sure not gonna get it now.

I didn't expect it.

Bob...

this hasn't been a very nice
birthday for you, has it?

No.

I wanted it all to be so good.
I mean, I really tried.

And look where--
We started with the watch...

and now look
where we wound up.

You're going to bed alone,
and I'm standing here like an idiot...

watering plastic flowers.

Emily, it isn't your fault.
it's my fault.

- I wish I could love my watch.
- Oh, Bob.

Love it!

Love it. It cost enough.

Emily, sit down.

[Sighs]
When I was a kid...

I used to think of everything
in terms ofice cream cones.

L-I loved ice cream cones.

Like, something that cost O cents
was two ice cream cones.

A dollar was O ice cream cones.

And when I found out
how much this watch cost...

I felt like I had been
run over by a Good Humor truck.

Oh, Bob.

Emily, I wish I could
get over it, because I--

Well, I really need
a new watch.

Look, Bob. I'll tell you
what I'll do.

Tomorrow at lunchtime, I'll come down to
your office and take you to thejewelry store...

and you can exchange
this watch for one you want.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I mean, you can get a watch
that'll make you happy.

That's-- That's wonderful.

And then afterwards...

if you're a good boy, I'll
buy you an ice cream cone.

Emily, I love you.

Oh, I love you too, Bob.

Careful of the watch.

What are we gonna do now?

Well, I got some new bath toys.

Why don't we just go to bed?

That's better.

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ]
- [ G roa n s ]

- I'll get it.
- Okay.

Hi, Bob.

- Hi, Howard.
- Great party.

Thank you, Howard, and I really appreciate
your coming over and telling me that.

Oh, I'm sorryl can't come in...

but Wendy and I are still celebrating
your birthday in my apartment.

Listen, you left your pajamas at the party.
I thought you might need them tonight.

I don't think I will,
Howard.

Uh, you better take 'em.
There might be a fire.

[ Mews]