02x13 - Duke of Duke

[bunniefuu]

You know, neighbors sometimes

there's nothin' more refreshin'

than watchin' children at play.

Cousin, I don't know
what you did this time

but ifthe general runs like this

at that Smoky Holler
Race on Sunday

we're just gonna have a whole
pot full of first-prize money.

Heh, heh, heh. Good.

We just flew past Rosco
back there in them trees.

That guy just never learns.

Enos, this is Rosco P. Coltrane.

'I got them Duke boys
this time. I really got 'em.'

We're gonna come
down on those turkeys

like a load of dead chickens.

Heh, hee, hee!
I love it. I love it.

Now, Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane

would rather catch
himself a Duke

than to go to
heaven when he dies.

Some folks tend to lose
their perspective like that.

Let's letthe generalout,
see what he can really do.

Alright. Ha ha ha!

Bye, Rosco. Woo-hoo!

Enos, I'm a-comin'!
I'm a-comin'!

Now! Now!

'I'm ready, Sheriff!
I'm ready, Sheriff!'

- There's Enos.
- Halt. Halt.

'Watch out for that sports car.'

Oh-whoa.

Stranger passin' through

could find hisself in a
Hazzard entanglement.

Well, mercy me.

Looks like that city
slicker wants a race.

Ha-ha, well, we can't
disappoint him, now, can we?

'But, hey, I'll take
it easy on him.'

'Alright.'

Um.

Well, I, heh, heh..

Just hope we don't run into
him at that race on Sunday.

You can't hardly run into
somethin' you can't catch up to.

I hope you like sassafras tea.

It's not your British kind

'but, well, it's about as close'

'as we can get to
class around here.'

What do you suppose
that thing is doin' here?

I dunno.

'Uncle Jesse,
hey, who owns that'

'green sports car
out in the yard?'

Hey, boys! Boys, come on in.

I got somebody special
I want you to meet.

Well, I'm afraid we already had
the pleasure to meet Mr. Gordon.

Your first name's
Flash, now, ain't it?

Yes, of course.

I'm sorry I left you both
so abruptly back there.

So are we.

You just gotta take
care not to do that

in front of too many people

'cause we got
kind of a reputation

to uphold around here.

I don't know what you
boys is jabberin' about.

This-this ain't Mr. Gordon.

No, sir.

This is your third cousin
from London, England.

This-this is Gaylord Duke.

- Well, pleased to meet you.
- Great pleasure.

- Set yourself down there.
- Thank you.

He's related to us on
Grandpa Henshaw's side

meanin' he ain't blood kin.

'That's right, Daisy.'

And he's a real Duke.

Well, heck, ain't we all Dukes?

Bo, I mean like a Duke Duke.

No, I think what Daisy means

is that I've just recently
come into my title.

- Well, congratulations.
- 'Oh, thank you.'

Now, what's a Duke Duke
doin' in Hazzard County?

Well, as you probably know

my grandfather
passed away recently

and he left me this in his will.

As you'll see, it's
the original land grant

for some property
here in Hazzard County.

What do you think, Luke?

Well, the legal description

fits the old Henshaw
place, alright.

I was afraid of that, well, that
means that Cousin Gaylord, here

has inherited himself
a mess of trouble.

If he's got any problems,
I sure ain't seen 'em yet.

What I'm talking about
is that old Henshaw place

has been owing back
taxes for, well, for years now.

It could've built up to $ , .

Good grief.

I mean what's that gonna
mean in terms of pounds?

Well, what it means is if
you got that kind of money

I'd be more than
happy to weigh it for you.

I'm afraid I don't.

And we Dukes never carry cash.

Uh, ain't that the truth.

But I'm sure I could
raise it, given time.

Well, that's gonna be
your second problem

'cause this is the time of
year the banks foreclose

on land owing back taxes.

I saw that notice in
the post office window.

So exactly how long do I have?

Noon, Monday.

Don't you worry.
We'll get the money.

You'll see. Well?

Think of something.

'But, Boss, how was
I supposed to know'

that that Duke that was drag
racing with those other Dukes

was just another Duke?

No, no. No, no. Not
just another Duke.

No, he's Duke Gaylord Duke.

- An Englishman.
- Foreigner?

- Yeah, from England.
- That's a foreigner.

Well, says so right
there in that letter

to the County Recorder.

It also says he's
come to lay claim

'to a certain piece of
property that was willed to him.'

You must remember somewhere
deep down in that empty head of yours

that I've already worked
out a secret little deal

with the Dixie King
supermarket people

'for them to buy that certain
piece of property from me.'

For a quarter of
a million dollars!

Just shush.

Quarter of a million dollars.

Now I hope you
understand why I want that

Duke Gaylord Duke arrested
along with our own common folk

Hazzard County Duke boys.

I can do it.

I don't care how you do it

'just as long as you
put all of 'em away'

'till Monday at high noon'

when them back
taxes gotta be paid.

Well, see, I can do it, Boss.

See, there is an ordinance
. , that definitely states

that you cannot drag race
in the county of Hazzard.

Do you see it right there, huh?

Take that book away
before I throw up.

O-oh, sorry about
that. I got 'em, I got 'em.

Yeah, well, you ain't
got 'em till you get 'em

so go get 'em.

I sure can't do no more today.

How do you turn the
damn thing off, anyhow?

It's probably down here.

Boss, don't worry about a
thing. Don't worry about a thing.

Rosco, Rosco!

Gaylord, what happens
when a girl marries a Duke?

Oh, why, much
the same, I suspect

as happens here in Hazzard.

She settles down and
has dozens of children.

I don't mean that.

No, I mean, her marrying a
Duke and all, what happens?

Well, that would
make her a Duchess.

But, uh, why do you ask?

I don't, I was
wondering. I-I don't know.

That Cousin Gaylord's
kind of a nice boy, ain't he?

Yes, sir.

You know I been thinking on it.

I can't think of nobody
around here that's got $ ,

except, well, you know who.

Well, that's 'cause there ain't
nobody around here that's got..

Seems to me you told us once

about somebody
over in Clairborne.

- I did? Who?
- Ira Murchison.

'Ain't he the one you said'

had more money stashed
away in tin cans on his place

than J.D. Hogg has in
the Bank of Hazzard?

That's right for sure.

Now, why didn't
I think of old Ira?

You know he's
owed me for years

for pulling him out of
that swelled-up river.

And you remember how you told us

he said if you ever
need anything at all

just ask him for it?

- He did at that.
- Well, let's ask him for it.

Oh, why not? Daisy..

Gaylord, hey..

I think we got a
handle on the situation.

Now here's where we start
getting into the nitty-gritty

of this here story.

But I figure we're gonna land

in a heap of trouble, don't you?

Cousin Gaylord,
y'all stay close behind.

I wouldn't want you to get lost.

You know if we did get
lost, I sure wouldn't mind.

You know, I got a feeling
that there's more going on here

than meets the eye.

Besides, I kind of
tend to get nervous

when somebody's around

that might take
advantage of our Daisy.

Uh-oh.

Enos, this is Sheriff
Rosco P. Coltrane

your superior
officer, talking to you.

'You got your ears on?'

This here's Enos back to
my superior officer. Over.

'Them Duke boys
and that dandy Duke'

'are heading South on '

and they've broken every
ordinance in the book.

Now you head 'em
off at Woodchuck Pass

while I grab 'em
by the tail feathers.

'I'm gone.'

- , Superior Officer.
Over and out and all about.

I just love this kind of talk.

You sure are cool and easy
under pressure, Cousin Gaylord.

I just love it.

'There's Enos. Let's lose him.'

Pass the word to Cousin Gaylord.

'Who-o! Ira Murchison,
here we come.'

I reckon poor old
Ira can't help us much

where he's gone now.

That's for sure.

It seems I'd just heard

that he'd married
himself a young filly.

Guess maybe the honeymoon
was just too much for him.

I'm sorry, Cousin Gaylord.

Looks like your
$ , is six-feet under.

Looks like we made
this trip for nothin'.

Well, maybe you
did, but I didn't.

Guh-uh-uh.

Alright, Luke Duke and
Bo Duke and Duke of the..

The Duke, whatever,
you're all under arrest..

Ain't that typical?

The Dukes start
out to help somebody

and they get their
own tails in a crack.

'Hush.'

Now, y'all know that Rosco

ain't never been
long on explanations.

"You have the right
to remain silent.

"Anything you say may be held
against you in a court of law."

"You have the right to attorney
etcetera, etcetera." That's it.

Constable, I don't believe
I got the drift of all that.

Well, isn't that too bad?

You don't have
to get the drift of it.

You'll have plenty of
time to get the drift of it

when you spend the next
days in the slammer.

days just for funnin'?

Alright, Jesse, eight days,
but that's my final offer.

- Six.
- Four.

- Done.
- O-oh.

Constable, I believe
that here, as in England

we are entitled to a trial.

Uh, he's got you there, Rosco.

He ain't got me
there. I got him there.

You see, the circuit judge, he's
gonna be away for two weeks.

That means I'm gonna
keep you all in jail

till he does get back.

There it says so right here
in this alternate penal code.

- Alternate penal code?
- Oh, here, it's right there.

The alternate penal
code in Rosco's little book

means any nasty county job
that Rosco's been putting off.

See what I mean?

Y'all doing a pretty good job.

Oh, Mr. Gaylord, sir

uh, this sign you painting up

I believe it should read
"Stay right," not left.

Not in England, dear
boy, not in England.

Not in England.

Not in England.

I don't understand that.

Good work, Rosco.

By this time tomorrow

I'll have taken possession
of that old Henshaw property

right out from under
that English Duke.

Oh, I love it, I love it.

And everything'll
be coming up roses.

Cuhh... roses?

Boss, you gonna plant roses?

I thought you were
gonna sell that land

to that supermarket chain.

I am, bonehead.

Roses is a..

Well, i-it's a way of saying

"Getting a quarter
million dollars."

Oh, quarter of a mil..

Quarter of a million dollars.

Boss, can I ask you something?

How much of that quarter
of a million dollars do I get?

Very little.

As your brother-in-law, Rosco

I have a heartfelt
interest in your affairs

and I'd never forgive myself
if the government put you

in a higher income tax bracket.

Nobody thinks he's got a heart.

Luke, I hope you all
know this wasn't my idea.

That's alright, Enos.

You can tell me
one thing, though.

After all these years

of me and Bo racing
around this county

how come Rosco
picked this particular time

to run us in?

I can't rightly say, Luke.

But I did hear, hear
him say that Mr. Hogg

wants you three out of business

till after noon on Monday.

He didn't say why?

Not to me he didn't.

Thanks, Enos.

Enos! Hey, we're all done.

Yeah, we're all done. You got
any more you need us to do?

- Y'all doing a good job?
- Yes, sir.

Oh, my goodness.

Listen, fellers,
them signs are funny

but I don't think the sheriff
has got my sense of humor now.

Oh, Enos.

Hi.

Hey, Daisy.

Uh, it's good to see you but
my orders say no visitors, alright?

Well, I figured they must
be getting awful hungry

working as hard as they are

and I know that
you wouldn't mind

if I brought 'em some
of my fried chicken.

Well, I guess it'd
be alright, Daisy.

It sure beats that
cream chip beef stuff

we've been serving
over at the jailhouse.

Why, I bet you're hungry,
too, ain't you, sugar?

Well, I sure am partial to
your fried chicken, Daisy.

Aw. Which part are
you most partial to?

My legs? My thighs? Or my...

Neck! Neck. That's my favorite.

That's my favorite
part, Daisy, your neck.

I love your neck, Daisy.

I mean, chicken neck.
I love fried chicken.

Sugar, you'd be getting
a lot more chicken..

Frosting on the gumbush, Daisy

I believe your cousins
are stealin' my car.

Hey.

Hey, Enos, you
ain't losing prisoners

you gained a bucket of chicken.

Hey! Stop, stop, stop.

sh**t.

L.B., is Jesse gonna meet us
at the old Shawnee Injun cave?

- Yep.
- Oh, hey, hey, Cousin Gaylord.

I want you to meet
L.B. Davenport.

He's a real good friend of ours.

Any accessory to our
escape is also a friend of mine.

Pleasure, Mr. Davenport.

Mr. Davenport.
Who-hoo, Cousin Duke.

You sure talk nice.

Funny, but nice.

Cousin Gaylord is an Englishman.

Well, we can't all be perfect.

Now Uncle Jesse's salvation
from his terrible temper

has always been his open mind

which just saved Bo and
Luke from getting canned

for running away from the law.

Now let me get this straight.

Enos just told you boys flat out

that Boss Hogg wanted him
to take you out of commission.

Till noon Monday.
Sound familiar?

Yes, sir.

Well, that's the same time

that the taxes are due
on Gaylord's property.

Well, I can't see what
difference it would make

to Boss since he
don't own that land.

And our Cousin
Gaylord here does.

Well, since when does ownership
make any difference to Boss?

This, uh, Boss chap

sounds to me like a thoroughly
reprehensible character.

Oh, no, no way. That
man's just plain bad.

I got a feeling ol' Boss

has got somebody
interested in that land.

How are we gonna find out?

Well, we can go
down to the land office

and, uh, see if somebody's
filed a title claim, title search.

I'll go with you.

Homer, uh, Hodgekiss
works down there

and I've had him buffaloed
since he's years old.

Now y'all realize
the land office

is right next to
the sheriff's office

and that means you're gonna
be walking into a hornet's nest.

Well, that just means

that I'm gonna have
to take old Rosco out

for a little quick
shuckin' and jivin'

so y'all can get in there.

Would someone
care to explain to me

shucking and jiving?

Well, sure thing, Cousin Duke.

Them's just reprehensible words.

L.B., you know, you remind
me of my Uncle Phillip.

Marvelous sense of humor.

Good old Uncle Phillip.

Yes. Did I forget to
give you his regards?

- I'm sorry about that.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

You know, I sure
can't figure out

why I bought these
here dumbbells

when I already had
two working for me.

Uh, but, Boss, you
see... Never mind!

As county commissioner

I hereby relieve you
both of all your duties.

Turn in them badges.

Oh, uh, Boss, now listen.

Why should I turn in my badge?

It was dipstick Enos' fault.

He's the one that let
them Duke boys escape

for a bucket of chicken.

He still even smells
finger lickin' good.

Oh-h, oh.

Sheriff's right, Mr. Hogg.

I'm the one that oughta
lose my badge, not him.

You see? You see that? You see?

Rosco, all I can see is
Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

- Tweedle...
- Dumb. You're dumb.

Who might just cost me

getting a quarter
million dollars Monday.

Boss, gimme one more chance.

Just, just one more
chance and I promise you

I'll put them Duke boys
behind bars before sun-up.

See, I can do it if
I put my mind to it.

Rosco, when you
speak of your mind

lower your voice to
show respect for the dead.

Rosco, what the devil
is that racket out there?

I don't know, but if that sucker

doesn't stop honking
that horn out there

I know one thing,
I'm gonna go out there

and slap a $ fine on him.

Make him put it in my hand
for disturbing the peace.

Well, sucker, you
can just put that $

in my hand in two tens

because that's your car
out there making that racket.

'Get away from there.'

Boss, how could it be my car?

I'm in here, I'm not honking.

Hi, Rosco.

Oh. That's Bo Duke.

Come on, Enos, let's catch him.

Rosco, remember,
you guaranteed me

'all three Duke boys.'

A-and y-you'll get 'em

if chicken liver here
won't... get out of my way.

It's Chicken Little, ain't it?

I'll chicken, shoo!

Your horn's blowing.

I saw him. I know it's
blowing, you dipstick.

Follow me.

Enos, you..

'Now here they come,
Luke, just remember'

'you and Uncle Jesse
got exactly minutes.'

Read you loud and
clear, Bo. That's a - .

Howdy, Homer.

Hey, Homer.

Uncle Jesse, do you know
the law's lookin' for Luke here?

Homer, we're lookin'
for somethin' important

and we're gonna
need your help, alright?

Now, I don't know about that.

Uh, now, Homer, do you remember

when you was a little
bitty boy no longer than that

'and you had the colic?'

And the only one
you'd let take care of you

or feed you or any of
that was old Uncle Jesse.

I know, Uncle Jesse,
I'm still grateful.

But circumventin' the
law just don't seem right.

"Don't seem right."

Uh, Homer..

How many people you
s'pose know about that still

your daddy's keepin' in that
silo over there on your place?

Uh, we best go in the
back where nobody'll see us.

We best.

'General... we hit that
bump goin' this fast

'we gonna be airborne.'

Yee-hoo!

Ha-ha. Let's see 'em try that.

Oh-h-h.

Our Father who art in heaven

'hallowed be Thy name.'

Theydidtry that.

Son of a g*n. Who's
teachin' 'em that stuff?

There never has been a
recorded deed on this property.

Yeah, our Cousin Gaylord's got

the original land
grant to the place.

Well, reckon you know then
about the back taxes due on it.

County takes over if they
ain't paid by Monday noon.

And then it goes
up for public auction.

Oh, we know that.

You know, it'd be my job

if Boss was to find
out I told you two this.

Why is that, Homer?

Well, there's a supermarket
chain, the Dixie King

been real interested in
this property for a long time.

So old Boss Hogg
told the sheriff

not to post no notice
about the public auction.

So Boss'd be the
only one to bid on it.

And also meanin' he'll be able

to pick it up for
practically nothin'.

Uh-oh. Now, that's trouble
lookin' for a place to happen.

Well... thanks a lot, Homer.

Oh, incidentally you
know, I never was sure

whether you and
your daddy kept the still

over in that silo or not.

When you started
talkin' about that still, he..

Yeah.

Bo ought to be here
any second now.

Alright.

Yeah, you take the truck,
and we'll pick up with you later.

You boys mind
yourself, do you hear?

Alright.

Bo, wait! Hold on!

The best-laid plans
of mice and men

never figured on a
Hazzard head-on.

This 'un's gonna get tricky.

I told you it was
gonna get tricky.

What it all boils down to
is... if that auction ain't posted

J.D. Hogg's gonna be the
only one biddin' on the property.

Man's a rogue, an
absolute blaggard.

Oh, Cousin Gaylord, I love
the way you English talk English.

The way I see it ol' Boss
has already made a deal

to sell that land to the
Dixie King supermarkets.

Well, he don't even own it yet.

Yeah, and we must prevent
him from doing so, too. But how?

To borrow a word of yours

we're gonna
out-blaggard the blaggard.

I don't think I'm
following you, Luke.

Well, Luke's line of thinkin'

ain't easy to
follow for anybody.

Hey, if this thing works,
we're gonna have the pleasure

of havin' Boss Hogg pay
the back taxes for you.

Boss Hogg?

Yeah. But we're gonna
need Cousin Gaylord's help.

You're gonna make Boss Hogg
an offer he can't refuse. You in?

I am your servant, sir.

Alright.

I like your style.

You got gumption.

You get that from
your Aunt Katie.

How is Aunt Katie, by the way?

Aunt Katie?

Oh, you mean Aunt Katherine.

Oh, she always preferred
Katherine, you know.

Oh, she's fine, sir, fine.

Glad to hear that.

Alright, now, here's the deal.

Now, gettin' Boss Hogg
to pay off back taxes

due on the Duke land

is like gettin'
blood from a turnip.

Uh, milk from a bull.

Or was it bull from a turnip?

Now, you got it all straight,
what I told you to tell Boss.

Luke, I think you sufficiently
drummed it into me.

This is one conversation
I would just love to hear.

- No reason why not.
- Huh?

He's got a CB receiver
right on his desk.

If you get a chance,
just flip it on. Okay?

- OK, will do.
- Good luck.

- I'll see you later.
- Into the breech.

Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!

Maynard. Maynard, I warned you.

I know I've got three chins
but I love every one of 'em.

Come on in.

Uh, Mr. Hogg, I presume.

Yes?

My name's Gaylord Duke.

Yeah, oh! The English Duke.

The sheriff's gonna love
havin' a fancy pants in jail.

Just one moment, Mr. Hogg.

- What?
- If you please.

Yeah? Oh, yeah.

I thought you might like to hear

what I have to say about
a proposed partnership.

'A partnership?'

'W-what the devil
partnership you talking about?'

My dear fellow,
would it be possible

to have this
discussion in private?

Huh? Oh, yeah.
Maynard, go wait outside.

And if I call you, come running.

Now, then, what's this
here, partnership all about?

Well, it's appallingly
simple, really.

You want something I got
and I want something you got.

'You possess something I desire'

'and I possess
something you desire.'

Close enough.

Well, he says it a whole
lot prettier than you do.

Well, as you may know, my
grandfather left me in his will

a little piece of property.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, I
know all about that.

How do you propose
to pay the back taxes

on that property?

I don't.

I was, uh, rather hoping
that you might take care

of that little trifle for me.

Me? Ha-ha!

You expect me to
pay your back taxes?

For which in return
I am prepared

to split - with you

the net proceeds of
the sale of the land

to the Dixie King
supermarket chain.

Huh? Oh, oh.

How'd you know about that?

Intuition, dear boy, intuition.

'If, however, you
refuse, I am prepared'

'to force litigation
which after a lengthy trial'

and several appeals is
bound to hold up the title

on that land for many years.

By which time I
dare say, Mr. Hogg

you will have lost all
opportunity to sell the land

at its presently valued estate.

'Am I correct?'

Well, that's blackmail!

'That's blackmail.'

Well, how'd you know
he was gonna say that?

Intuition, dear boy, intuition.

But, though my name
is Hogg I ain't no pig.

I mean, a definite
$ , is sure better

than a maybe
quarter of the million.

Alright, alright.

Now then, you got
that deed with you?

Shrewd and cautious.

I like that in a man.

Yes, of course.

- Yeah.
- Unsigned as yet by me.

Of course, until our
agreement is consummated.

'Can you do that to deals, too?'

Alright, partner.

'You got yourself a deal.'

Ol' Boss sure took
the bait, didn't he?

Yes, thanks to
the inspired words

provided by Cousin Luke.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Well, gentlemen, tomorrow
morning Mr. Boss Hogg and I

will deliver the tax
money to the County Seat.

That's providin' we
ain't in jail by then.

Huh? Hello, Rosco.

Boss, this is Sheriff
Rosco P. Coltrane.

'Listen, I got them
Dukes on a one-way road'

'heading for the
river, come back.'

Well, you can just turn
that car of yours around

and let 'em be.

One of them Dukes
is now my partner.

Listen, I think something
crawled in my CB and died.

I-I thought I heard you say

you made one of them
Dukes a partner, come back.

Yeah, I did!

I mean, the fancy
pants foreign one.

So you just cease and
desist for now, do you hear?

Gotcha. That's a little - .

'Judas Priest on a pony,
making a Duke a partner.'

'That's criminal, I mean,
that's, that's a mess.'

Hey!

Cousin Gaylord, I figured you
might favor a picnic with me.

Why, Daisy, I'd be honored.

Uh, Daisy, we got no
time for a picnic now.

- Where's Uncle Jesse?
- He's gone.

He's been gone for
quite a spell, Luke.

Well, he say where he's going?

Nope, just went.

- Well, that ain't like him.
- No, it ain't.

Looks like we gotta wait.

Meanwhile, I guess
Cousin Gaylord and I

have time at least
for a little walk.

At least.

Cousin, you get the
feeling Daisy's coming down

with a little something
for Cousin Gaylord?

Nope.

She's already got it.

You know something?

I'm so glad you came into
our lives, Cousin Gaylord.

Mine in particular.

I'm glad you said that, Daisy

because I feel exactly
the same way about you.

Where you been, Uncle Jesse?

'We've been worried about you.'

I've been to the
telegraph office.

Do you know when
Cousin Gaylord gave me

Uncle Phillip's best regards?

I got to thinkin' Uncle Phillips

can't give nobody best regards.

He's been dead for ten years.

Well, Uncle Jesse, maybe he...

No maybe's about it.

And Aunt Katie

she doesn't prefer
to be called Katherine

she prefers to
be called Katrina.

You saying what I
think you're saying?

That fella don't
look like no Duke

and he doesn't act like no Duke.

This here's a
telegram that I got back

in answer to the one that
I sent to your real cousin.

Y-You mean that
that dude out there

with Daisy in the
woods is a phony?

As a seven dollar bill.

I'm very, very attracted to you.

Me to you.

I don't say that to
just anyone, Gaylord.

Your real Cousin
Gaylord is a preacher man.

He, uh... well, he kind
of runs a halfway house

for fellas just
coming out of prison.

And it seems about
three weeks ago

his strong box came up missing

'along with some
papers and pictures.'

And the land grant?

That's kee-rect.

And right at that same time,
something else came up missing.

'A young con man that
just got out of prison'

by the name of Roger Blevin.

Well, it don't take too
much to figure out who he is.

We don't need lessons
in shuck and jive, either.

Here we sit hiding out,
running from Rosco and Boss

all 'cause of him.

Speak of the devil.

I don't care.
You're just so cute.

You can say anything you want.

I, uh... just got this

in answer to a telegram
I sent to England.

I don't suppose I have to tell
you what's in it, do I, Roger?

Oh, dear.

So you know who I am.

That's right. We
know you're a fake.

How'd you find out?
No. Don't tell me.

Uncle Phillip and
Aunt Katherine.

I guessed badly on
both counts, didn't I?

Real badly.

You know, you're
kind of a likeable fella.

And you got the
gumption of a Duke.

It's too bad you ain't got
Duke blood in your veins.

If you did have, you'd know
what's right and what's wrong

and what's good
and bad in this world.

I'm so disgusted with you
I can't even be mad at you.

I just feel sorry for you.

I ain't never gone
against anything

Uncle Jesse's told
me as being true.

But if you tell me what
he's saying ain't true

I'll believe you.

It all ain't true, is it?

I'm afraid I'm not much of a
one for lying to ladies, Daisy.

It's true.

Did you lie to me?

Yes. I'm sorry.

Aw, Uncle Jesse, he lied.

He lied to all of us, Daisy.

Now I told y'all that there's
something wrong with that boy.

Anybody that'd lie to
Daisy is un-American.

Well, there'll be no
need for gags, I imagine.

You can shout all you
will and I don't think

anybody'll hear you up here.

You ain't heard
the last of us yet.

Just remember that.

You picked the wrong
family to double deal

and don't you think
we're gonna set still for it.

I could just wash my
mouth out with soap

for the things I said to you.

I love the things
you said, Daisy.

And I am very sorry I hurt you.

Cheerio, Daisy.

Now if you'll excuse
me, gentlemen

I'm afraid I must be running.

But you may rest assured that
if you're not free of your ropes

by mid-evening tonight, I'll
send someone up to set you free.

I did enjoy being a Duke of
Hazzard County while it lasted.

'I'm just very sorry that it
should have ended this way.'

Goodbye.

, , , ,
, , , , ,

, semollians.

What?

US legal tender dollars.

'Jesse was close.'

And now it's your turn

to make the contributions
to the kitty... partner.

Or should I say, Your Dukeship.

Partner.

Oh, Your Dukeship, I believe

you've already
met our local sheriff

and his deputy, ain't you?

Rosco P. Coltrane.

Charmed, I'm sure.

- O-oh. Thank you.
- I-I'm sure charmed, too.

Enos, I'll tell you
when to be charmed.

Rosco, pay attention
here now, will you?

Now, you and Enos
are gonna escort me

and my new partner
here, His Dukeship

to the County
Seat at Coreyville.

Uh, be charmed. Heh.

Plus, I want you
to lead us, so..

Get a good head start in case
them Dukes show up on the way.

I don't think there's
any danger of that.

The last I saw of them,
they were rather tied up.

Alright.

Enos, open the door.

- Don't he talk fast?
- Yeah.

For a foreigner, he
sounds real good. Come on.

He made me feel like one
day I was gonna be his duchess.

He sure treated me like one.

Well, honey...

He showed me how to
curtsy for meetin' the Queen.

Now, Daisy, quit
rippin' yourself

up over a no account like that.

Rippin' myself up?

Uncle Jesse

it's that no account
that's gonna get himself

ripped up when I catch him!

That's my Daisy.

- Aw, yeah.
- Whoo.

We got a little
over an hour left

so we're gonna
have to work fast.

Friends, I think the fat
is fixin' to fall in the fire.

There.

See, Boss and our friend
are gonna be headin' over

to Coreyville to the County
Seat any minute now.

We gotta make sure
they get there in time.

In time for what?

Well, to pay the back
taxes on that land.

Just according to
the original plan.

But this time we're
gonna work a switch.

I think Melford can help us out.

- Melford?
- Melford?

Melford?

I thought I knew everybody
in Hazzard County.

Alright, pick up Melford

and meet us at the
top of Razorback Hill.

We'll be there.

Now part of Luke's plan

was to get rid of Rosco so
Melford could do his thang.

Whoo.

So much for part one.

Scratch Rosco.

You just, I'm just, gah!

Make me walk... like a woman.

I can do anything
when I wanted to.

Friends and
neighbors, meet Melford.

He's a genuine Hazzard polecat.

Hold on.

Damn! Road work or no road work.

'Get them barriers
out of the way.'

- Yes, sir, Boss.
- A-ah, a skunk!

Forget the women and
children, I'm going first.

Let's get out of here
before it lets loose!

Come on! Get back to the rear!

'Come on now.'

Alright, Luke. I got the deed.

Come on, Melford,
you've done your job.

Did you see that?

A skunk, it fell right out
of the sky right into my car.

No offence, Mr. Hogg,
but that polecat

didn't like the way
you smelled any more

than you liked the way he does.

So he's probably gone by now.

Well, I think we
should be pressing on.

Time is running out.

Yes, so it is.

Look, you, go on.

Get them barriers
out of the road.

Hey, just don't stand there.

- Go get in your car, will you?
- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

We gotta go. That blasted Rosco.

He's supposed to
be up ahead of us

protecting us from flying
skunks and such like.

Where is he?

Whoo-ooh.

Dang this..

Everything's
alright in there, huh?

The little skunk's gone. Good!

Alright. Come on now.

Time's a-wastin'!

On to Coreyville.

Well, it appears as if you
made it just in time, Mr. Hogg.

Yeah, high noon.

That's right. Now I'll get
this here money in the safe.

Alright.

Your Dukeship, you see that
man standing over in there?

He's from the Dixie
King supermarket people.

Be my guess, he's got ready
cash right in that briefcase

to take this piece of
property right off our hands.

Now, Mr. Hogg, if
you'll give me that deed

we'll get it properly recorded.

It'd be my pleasure, sir.

Yes, sir.

Is this your idea
of a joke, sir?

What do you mean?

Well, that ain't no deed.

'It ain't?'

How did this get in here?

I wish I knew.

A-ah! It's them Dukes.

'I knew it, thievin'..'

Oh, Mr. Dixie King.

Don't you go off like this.

This is only temporary.

We're gonna get
everything straightened out.

- Come.
- Get in there.

Yo halt. Please,
as a personal favor.

Halt. Halt.

Stop!

Enos. Hush up. Hush up.

Nothing personal,
you understand.

Your Dukeship, I told you

that they don't make no ropes

that'll hold no Duke
for no length of time.

So I see.

Look, Jesse, I just
paid the back taxes

on that ol' Henshaw place.

And for some reason
that you may know of

we couldn't come up with a deed.

'Now, I'm gonna ask you
to go in there and tell 'em'

it was all a big mistake, and at
least give me my money back.

Well, you know how
them tax people are, J.D.

Once they get their
hands on your money

'you can't get it
back with a g*n.'

Well, then I'm gonna see
you all in court when I sue.

I shouldn't be too hasty
making that decision, Mr. Hogg.

After all, there
are certain illegal

irregularities in our agreement.

All of us here that are involved

are undoubtedly gonna
be called into court

to testify under oath.

And one thing they're
gonna get you for, Boss

is dealing with an imposter.

You see, Boss,
he ain't our cousin.

He ain't a Duke. He
ain't even a gentleman.

Well, then who in the
name of all that's holy is he?

Just some imposter

that was trying to pull an
English shuck and jive on us.

'He had us fooled for a minute.'

Me mostly.

Yeah, let's see now.
What else is there?

There's withholding notice of
public sale of county property.

Then there's the usual
fraud and misrepresentation.

You tricked me! You tricked me!

I thought you'd
see it our way, J.D.

You are gonna drop the charges
against these boys, ain't you?

Oh, you Dukes. The
Dukes. The Dukes.

'The Dukes.'

May I say it's been
absolutely charming.

Let's get after him!

Wait a minute, fellas.

This one's mine.

Now, this ain't over yet, folks

not when a girl like Daisy's
still got cotton to chop

and a rooster to pluck.

Well, let's go. This
is gonna be fun.

Right.

Just don't stand
there, you mummy.

They're not the law. You are.

Yes, sir, Mr. Hogg.

Hell, just take me anyplace
where there ain't no Dukes.

I think she's gaining on him.

Sorry, mister.

Next time you meet a real lady

you'd better learn some manners.

Whoo-hoo!

Give me those, Enos.

Nothing's worth doing,
unless you finish it yourself.

Ain't it a shame?

We're never gonna
know what we missed.

Daisy, I know exactly
what I've missed.

As for Daisy, it'll take time

for her to get over a man
that she really set her heart on.

Until the next time.

And, as for Rosco..

'There's a buzzard. What
are you doing up there?'

You ain't gonna get me.

Come down here or I'll slap

one of these sh*ts
into your tail feathers..

And ol' Boss wasn't
about to give up

trying to run the Dukes
out of Hazzard County.

One thing about Hazzard
folks, they don't quit.

Y'all come back now.