01x11 - Money to Burn

[bunniefuu]

''Wanted for armored car robbery?'' How high do you want me to stack these biIIs? Who is it? I thought you were that no-account Bo Duke.

Either you're Iosing your eyesight or I'm Iosing my figure.

This one's hotter than a hot rod in a haystack.

Paradise.

Ain't nothing as pleasing to the ear as Hazzard County on a summer morning.

With the breeze humming through the trees and the crickets chirping in the meadows and the whippoorwills singing songs.

'Course, there's other sounds that ain't exactly made by Mother Nature.

That's a good idea, testing the GeneraI out this way.

If we beat Enos, we'II be a cinch to win the Choctaw County Cross-Country RaIIy.

The car might need a bath, but I don't.

Hey, Enos, how about we both quit and caII it a draw before we aII drown? Sorry, Luke.

It's my bounding duty to give you a speeding ticket.

You know the rules.

-You gotta catch us first.

-That's exactIy what I aim to do.

You win, feIIas.

I ain't chasing you through the PearIy Gates.

You sIow down to 55 miIes an hour and I won't hassIe you no more.

Son, you got yourseIf a deaI.

You ever wonder what happens to a $1 bill when it's so worn out it makes George Washington look like the grandfather of his country? Or a $5 bill that makes honest Abe Lincoln seem like a used car dealer? Well, for one thing, it drives Boss Hogg up the wall.

$990,000 $995,000, and $5,000 more makes it an even $1 miIIion in genuine United States currency.

And as president of this here bank I got to send it aII to the FederaI Reserve in AtIanta for burning.

For burning! It's downright sinfuI.

Enos, you come over here.

-Start counting afresh.

-Yes, sir.

Boss, there ain't no use in you whimpering and whining about it.

Every year you.

Deputy Enos Strate was honest enough to count $1 million but they was all gonna be senior citizens before he got finished.

Why is it every year you weaseI and sniveI about that money? You send $1 miIIion to the bank in AtIanta and they send you $1 miIIion back in new biIIs.

It happens every year.

And every year, it aIways hurts.

Crime against nature.

Enos, can't you count faster, Iike the boss does? His IittIe fat fingers just fIy! That's aII right, Rosco.

Some got it, some ain't.

He ain't.

He's a dipstick.

You know what makes me mad, Boss? It's that that's Hazzard County money.

We ought to have the priviIege of burning it right here.

You must be reading my mind.

For the one time in your uneventfuI Iife, you've come up with a reaI good idea.

I did? About us burning themoney.

After it Ieaves town, and before it reaches AtIanta.

I thought it was against your reIigion to burn money.

WeII, sure it is, but burning oId phone books ain't.

Phone books? Burning them? Yeah, which is what's gonna be in that armored truck when it has a very serious accident just outside of town.

You got my tie and my hand there.

I didn't know that armored truck ever had an accident in 10 years.

It wiII this time.

-Your cousin, CIetus? -Yeah.

ReaIIy, this is briIIiant.

That's the most briIIiant thing I've ever seen since instant grits.

$999,000 and $1,000 makes a thousand thousands.

That's the highest I ever counted.

It's aII here, Mr.

Hogg.

Thank you.

AII right, here you are, Cousin CIetus.

Just sign for it.

-AcknowIedge receipt of the money.

-Anything you say.

Enos, you better go Iook outside.

We don't wanna take any chances with this kind of money, no? Yes, sir.

-AII cIear, Mr.

Hogg.

-Good, good.

I want you and Rosco to form an armed guard whiIe Cousin CIetus puts aII that money in the armored truck.

Yes, sir.

Don't worry about this money, Cousin Boss.

It'II end up where it's supposed to.

That worked sIicker than goose grease.

You mean, Iike at a barbeque? HoId it, Bo.

HoId on.

-What? -Head on up to the grapevine.

If we pIan to win that raIIy, Saturday, that's the pIace to practice.

-That's where I was going.

-AII right, hit it.

Are there any voIcanoes in Hazzard County? WeII, not since Mr.

Puckett bIew his stack when I brought his daughter home two days Iate from the hayride.

Oh, boy.

What happened? You aII right? I was just driving aIong and ''boom,'' bIew me out the truck.

You're Iucky you ain't hurt.

Maybe we can stiII put it out.

No.

I mean, there might be another expIosion.

FeIIas, wait a minute.

Got it.

Sorry, but aII I couId save was this.

-I suppose I shouId thank you aII kindIy.

-It weren't nothing.

I'II try and arrange Cooter on the CB.

We couId tow this thing back to the bank.

What about-- Hey, I guess you'II wanna taIk to Boss Hogg about this? Want to, no.

Got to, yeah.

You idiot! You dad-bIamed, dang-nabbed idiot! Letting the Duke boys, of aII peopIe, put out that fire.

It wasn't my fauIt, Cousin Boss.

They was just being neighborIy.

NeighborIy? You caII beating a man out of $1 miIIion neighborIy? Nobody beat you out of anything, Boss.

You stiII got $1 miIIion in oId biIIs.

There ain't nothing in this sack but some oId phone books.

See? If they saw what I see, I ain't gonna coIIect a penny from the insurance company for aII that burned money.

Get it? If they'd have seen it, they'd have said so, and I'd have saw them say it.

See? That makes sense to me.

OnIy 'cause you're a bigger dad-bIamed, dang-nabbed idiot than he is.

Let me think.

-You say Bo went into the truck? -That's right.

-And what'd he find? -Nothing.

Except what's Ieft of that sack.

What? What sack? There ain't no sack.

-It got took by the hijackers.

-What hijackers? Why, the Duke boys, of course.

Leastways, they wiII be hijackers when you catch them with the evidence.

SowbeIIy and beans again? That must be aII you can cook.

We just had that yesterday.

Yeah? You're gonna have it again tomorrow unIess that cotton you pIanted yesterday is ready for picking this afternoon.

''Our Father, we thank thee for this bounteous tabIe ''which thou hast pIaced before us.

'' Amen.

What Daisy's trying to say is that we got ourseIves a temporary cash fIow probIem here.

Thank you.

We've got enough money to either buy grub for a few days or enough seed corn to do the whoIe season.

Which is it gonna be? Buy the seed.

The way Bo's driving, we pIan on winning some grub money in that cross-country raIIy next Saturday.

That's right.

Provided we can get ahoId of the $5 entry fee.

Let me Iook in the bank.

HoIy mackereI.

UncIe Jesse, where did we get aII of that? Looks Iike we growed ourseIves a money tree.

FeIIas, UncIe Jesse, come here, quick.

Look! HoIy jumping horny toads.

It's happened again.

Oh, gosh! This is better than striking goId.

Or is it? Guess who? It's Enos and Rosco.

-In the kitchen.

-Yeah.

I'm coming.

Now, Jesse, before you get riIed, this is just a sociaI visit.

SociaI, onIy as Iong as you make it short.

WeII, Boss Hogg wanted me to drop by and just thank the boys for putting out that fire in his armored truck.

And aIso ask if you've seen any suspicious characters running round here.

OnIy the one I'm Iooking at.

It seems that somebody h*jacked some of Boss' money out of the truck.

Now you just hoId on, Rosco.

Y'aII ain't about to say it's us now, are you? sh**t, I know it wasn't y'aII, Bo.

Enos, hush.

We both know that he didn't do it.

I guess we're just wasting our time here.

We just might as weII go on home.

As soon as I have some of Jesse's good coffee that you got back here in this coffee pot.

WeII, I Iove it.

It's good stuff.

You just make the best coffee.

You mind if I have a IittIe snort? -Just heIp yourseIf, Rosco.

-WeII, now, I appreciate it.

That's a IittIe thick, isn't it, Jesse? It's just a IittIe thicker than usuaI.

Look at that.

Look at aII that.

Green coffee.

I guess we got the hijackers.

You watch your Ianguage.

We never Iaid eyes on those biIIs, and you know it.

Now, I'II bet you if I was to Iook around here reaI carefuI I just might find some more of this green coffee.

I wouIdn't be a bit surprised, seeing as how you pIanted them here.

And this whoIe dang thing's nothing but a frame-up.

Now, boys, that'd be kind of hard to prove, wouIdn't it? Enos, put the cuffs on them.

I'm sorry.

Freeze.

Enos, don't Iet that.

Do your duty.

I'm sorry, Daisy.

WeII, what're we gonna do now? Just keep moving tiII we shake Enos.

-Oh, he's stiII hanging in there.

-Quick, hang a right into the hay fieId.

Besides being the town's best mechanic Cooter Davenport was known as the Rembrandt of Hazzard County.

For $29.

99, he could repaint an old hearse and make it look new enough to satisfy the fussiest undertaker in the world.

Cooter.

Over here.

It was a good thing you caIIed me by my name.

I was getting a IittIe spooked painting this hearse for oId Boss Hogg.

I bet haIf the peopIe in Hazzard County wish he's in this thing now.

This ain't reaIIy no hearse.

He's got four or five of these things he uses to run moonshine up to NashviIIe.

-What was y'aII doing under that tarp? -We were just hiding.

I figured that one out.

What was you hiding from? Take your pick.

A: Boss.

B: Rosco.

C: The Armored Car Company-- -D: AII of the above.

-What happened? WeII, Rosco framed us but good.

-Speak of the deviI.

-It's Rosco.

Let's duck.

Cooter, can't you hear me tooting? What's the matter, you deaf or something? -I was honking and honking for you.

-What can I do for you? WeII, you can start by hanging these posters.

''$1,000 reward for capture of--'' ''Bo and Luke Duke.

'' God, I Iove it.

''Wanted for armored car robbery?'' Don't that have a nice ring to it? This here's J.

D.

Hogg speaking.

Got your ears on? Boss, this is Sheriff Rosco.

I got my ears on and my eyes peeIed.

And your mouth runneth over.

Look, put your foot on the pedal.

And if you ain't at the pIace in 10 minutes I'II need a new door when.

-You kick my butt.

-When I kick your butt.

-Through the one in your bank.

-Through the one in my bank.

Come back and see me now, Rosco.

Boss sure was ticked off at something.

Wonder what he meant by ''the pIace?'' You got me.

He owns just about every pIace in Hazzard County.

I got a hunch we ought to foIIow Rosco and find out which one.

Come on.

Hey, I got an idea.

We don't have time to Iisten to your idea.

Since General Lee stood out like a watermelon in a bowlful of chick peas the boys borrowed old Cooter's tow truck to follow Rosco.

I was gonna say: ''Why don't you borrow my truck?'' Gonna kick my butt, is he? Danged if '"the place'" didn't turn out to be the Hazzard Coffin Works.

lt was a part of Boss' cradle-to-the-grave social security plan for himself.

Most Hazzard babies was born in Boss'hospital.

They grew up and financed their homes and cars at Boss'bank.

And in the end, they was laid to rest in one of Boss' caskets after being overcharged every step along the way.

Now, what do you suppose he's got in that bag? ProbabIy just Boss' Iaundry.

Everybody carries Iaundry in a money bag.

We better check it out to make sure there ain't no ring around the coIIar.

How are we gonna get past Boss' driver? Very carefuIIy.

-Thanks a Iot.

-You owe me one.

Boss, how high you want me to stack these biIIs? How high? WeII, how high are those gaIIon jugs we use to run 'shine in? About this high? WeII, that's how high we can go under the faIse bottom, jackass.

-That's Sheriff Jackass.

-That oId Boss don't miss a trick.

Even if the revenuers stop them, they'II find no moonshine in there.

Right.

Now, put it in the faIse bottom.

That'II fooI anybody.

-Now what do we do, Boss? -Now we are gonna bury it.

-Bury it? You mean six foot under? -Yeah.

-How's that gonna do us any good? -WeII, first thing it's gonna get us another $1 miIIion from the insurance company.

And then, after everything's signed, seaIed and deIivered and the hue and cry dies down, we un-bury it.

I got it.

I Iove it.

-You better round up them Duke boys.

-Yeah.

I don't want nothing to interfere with the funeraI of OId Tom MacDougaI.

Right.

Boss, who's Tom MacDougaI? I didn't know he was sick.

Look, there ain't no Tom MacDougaI.

Then why wiII we bury somebody we don't know? Because, dumbbeII I need some name I can mention at the funeraI when I read his beautifuI euIogy.

Let the Boss' fIunky heIp you with the box.

I wanna check the road map.

We got to find a quicker way to NashviIIe.

Yeah, the AFT guys got a IittIe too cIose for comfort Iast time out.

We'II have to wait tiII that guy Ieaves.

This my spIit, Boss? There's an awfuI Iot of $1 biIIs here.

Who is it? Just me, Boss.

We need another box.

Go ahead, heIp yourseIves, boys.

You know where they are at.

-That gave me quite a turn.

-Yeah, put a quiver in my Iiver, too.

-How about this one? -No.

-What about this one, then? -That's the reaI thing.

-We want one with a faIse bottom.

-Yeah.

You fellows are crazy to come here.

I mean, this wiII be the first pIace they'd start Iooking for you.

You boys best pack your bags and get on out of here.

We are running nowhere from the Iikes of Boss Hogg and Rosco CoItrane.

What about the FBI and the state poIice? They'II be caIIed in sooner or Iater.

Not if you get hoId of that bonding company.

And teII them to meet us at the town square at 3:00 -so we can give them back aII their money.

-Ain't that nice? That's one of the best ways I know of confessing to a crime you didn't do is giving them back the money you ain't got.

We wiII have it as soon as they agree to drop aII the charges against us.

Stands no reason they can't say no.

How wouId it Iook if word got out that a big city bonding company got ripped off by a pair of good oId barefoot country boys Iike us? Bonding company? I wouIdn't even trust my paycheck to that outfit.

WeII, that's our pIan.

I'm betting that the banks those boys have been deaIing with feeI the same way.

EspeciaIIy, with UncIe Jesse shucking and jiving them into it.

Looks Iike I've been shucked and jived into doing some shucking.

And jiving.

As soon as you make the deaI, you give us a caII over at Cooter's pIace.

Daisy? WouId you Iike to do some shopping over at the Bride and Groomery -for your wedding? -My what? Wedding? Now, don't none of you single boys out there start to fret.

'Cause Daisy ain't got no more chance of getting hitched than old Boss has of turning an honest dollar.

Of course, you might say the boys was figuring on eloping with Boss' true love, meaning his money.

Hey, y'aII, here is your spare tire.

And this here CB wiII put out enough juice to reach from here to most coroners.

Lookee there.

There's Daisy.

Right on time as usuaI.

-HeIIo there, sweetheart.

-Hi, feIIas.

Got the stuff you asked me to rent at the Bride and Groomery.

-Did you have any probIems? -No, but I'm gonna have.

HaIf the town thinks I'm marrying Enos.

I sure hope he don't find out.

Any Iuck, he'II be too busy chasing you to find out anything.

Bo, Luke, where are you? Crazy Cooter coming at you.

Is that you, UncIe Jesse? Yes, this is me, Cooter.

Put Bo and Luke on.

Yes, sir.

It's us, UncIe Jesse.

What's happening? I wore out my teeth taIking them into it but there wiII be somebody at the town square from the Tri-Counties Bonding Company.

They agreed to drop aII the charges? Providing you bring back aII the money.

Now, boys, take care of yourseIf.

Looks Iike you might puII this thing off, God wiIIing.

UncIe Jesse, with you and him on our side, how can we Iose? -And that's a big ten-four.

-Let's go.

Boss sure ain't taking no chances with that money.

Yeah, the onIy ones that can move that pair is us.

Or somebody they think is us.

-Come on, Daisy, bring in the GeneraI.

-That's a big ten-four, cousin.

Possum on a gum bush.

It's GeneraI Lee! Hey, you guys.

Freeze! Go after him ! Yes! You must be new around here.

Yeah, I've onIy been here 12 years.

Who are you? Just a coupIe of deIivery boys.

Yeah, Boss Hogg wants to break us in on the AtIanta run.

Business must be picking up.

You are the second ones today.

I'II show you where to pick up the box.

No need to bother yourseIf.

Boss Hogg toId us where to find it.

-No, that's my job.

-It's aII right.

-No probIem.

-Let me heIp you out.

It's aII right.

Thanks.

Boss toId Rosco to put the money in that coffin over there.

AII right, Iet's get in there.

HoId it.

This manifest don't say nothing about a shipment to AtIanta.

-Are you sure about that? -Maybe you just can't make out the.

Looks Iike a bunch of chicken tracks to me.

WeII, I'm the rooster that made those tracks.

And you ain't going no pIace tiII I check with AtIanta by phone.

Now, I got a better idea.

Why don't you check us out in person? AII right, come on, you guys.

Now put me down.

No, boys, wait.

The boys figured it would take that watchman a couple of hours to use that screw driver and work his way out of that coffin before he could report to the Boss.

Enos, this is your superior officer speaking.

Now you just puII over and Iet me pass, dipstick.

And you remember, that reward money and them Duke boys are mine.

AII right, Bo Duke.

Just freeze! I've been after you aII this time, now I've got you.

And now I'm going to naiI you to the barn.

Rosco CoItrane, you oId reprobate.

If your mama heard you taIking Iike that she wouIdn't show up at the church this Sunday.

I'm sorry, Miss Daisy.

But I thought you were that no-account Bo Duke.

If you can't teII the difference between me and Bo either you're Iosing your eyesight or I'm Iosing my figure.

sh**t, Daisy.

You ain't Iosing nothing.

I got twenty-twenty vision.

-Ain't I, Sheriff? -Hey, Enos.

-Enos! -Sir? -Hush.

-Yes, sir.

Bo and Luke figured it'd take the watchman a couple of hours to report to the boss.

That'd give them enough time to get that money back to the armored car company people.

And have all the charges against them dropped.

So far, the boys'plan was working slicker than lard on a doorknob.

Trouble is, in Hazzard County, that's when everything hits the fan.

WeII, there's the reception committee.

I'd better just check to make sure none of that money is missing.

Luke? You wouIdn't teII me there ain't no money, wouId you? Nope.

We better sIide out of here before they find us with enough 'shine to put us under the jaiI.

Think they're getting ready to puII something funny? Let's stay on our toes.

That turkey wants to pIay chicken.

-How couId we have Iost $1 miIIion? -Someone must've switched the coffins.

Boss is probabIy burying it just about now.

-How are we gonna convince them of that? -Head for the cemetery.

Yeah, right.

This is Sitting Duck calling Crazy C.

You read me? Sitting Duck calling Crazy C, come on.

Five by five, Sitting Duck.

ToId you that rig couId reach haIfway across the state.

What's the probIem? We got a couple of vultures nibbling at our tail feathers.

Can you buy us time? -Which way are you coming? -Heading down moonshine trail No.

3.

You better get Jesse and Daisy to Iend you a hand.

That's gonna take a IittIe time.

Don't count on heIp before MiIIer's Bridge.

That's a big ten-four, Crazy C.

Over and out.

Wish I was just haIf as sure of reaching MiIIer's Bridge as he is.

Y'all know that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Only, l'm betting you never did see a hearse in such a hurry to get there.

By the time the boys were getting close to Miller's Bridge Boss was tuning up for the saddest eulogy in the history of Hazzard County.

Enos, I thought I toId you to pIant nasturtiums over by that path.

PoIice Officers don't pIant pansies.

Boss, how did you get aII these peopIe to a funeraI of a man -who ain't ever been born? -That was easy.

I promised them aII a big free wake at the Boar's Nest.

-That's genius.

-They ain't even getting hard Iiquor.

-Just near beer? -Just near beer.

Here comes MiIIer's Bridge.

-Any sign of Cooter? -Nope.

But I see he got ahoId of the oId-timer.

Oh, great.

You stupid sodbuster, get that thing moving.

WeII, now, these skip Ioaders have onIy got two speeds: SIow and sIower.

And I have got her in the top one.

I won't be Iong.

While Bo and Luke were rushing to get to the money Boss was having trouble letting it slip out of his fingers.

Neighbors, we are gathered here today to say goodbye to the dearest friend I ever had.

I couId give you one miIIion reasons why my heart is sick at the thought of being separated from the Iove and inspiration of what's in that there pine box.

Thank you kindIy.

The onIy thing that gives me strength to say these words is the certain knowIedge that I and the contents of that box wiII be reunited and I wiII be in paradise.

As you know, during the course of my Iong years I have been inspired by many great men: George Washington, Abraham LincoIn, Ben FrankIin and especiaIIy WiIIiam McKinIey.

Who's WiIIiam McKinIey? -His face is on every $50 biII, you dipstick.

-$500 biII, jackass.

I can't go on.

It hurts too much to say the words.

-Just better Iower him down, boys.

-Everybody hoId it right there.

Nobody's burying that coffin tiII we find out what's inside.

I know what's inside! It's my best friend.

Sheriff, arrest these two crooks.

Get them out of here.

I ain't gonna Iet nothing stop the right and proper buriaI of OId Tom MacDougaI.

But, that ain't MacDougaI.

It says here the name is McDonaId.

Somebody must have got the caskets mixed up.

You mean I have been wasting aII these words on a reaI person.

If that's McDonaId, where's MacDougaI? -ProbabIy getting cremated.

-Oh, no! Sheriff, stop the beIt! The deceased has just changed his mind.

Come on, feIIows, we'II get oId Tom back where he beIongs.

-Let's go.

-You mean oId George and oId Abe? Mr.

Hogg, if the seriaI numbers on these biIIs check you better have a good expIanation.

For what? AII I was doing was carrying out the dying wishes of a dear friend who Ieft strict orders that this casket not be opened.

May his Iying, doubIe-crossing souI rest in peace.

Yeah, he was in cahoots with those Duke boys.

-Enos, put the cuffs on them.

-Wait a minute, Rosco we were granted immunity if we brought this money back.

-You mean, I don't get to arrest nobody? -Nope.

Sometimes it doesn't even pay to get out of bed.

I chased them over hiII and daIe, I got my gum baII going.

You know, boys, I'm mighty pIeased and happy about the way things turned out.

WiII you be quiet? Now we can ship aII them biIIs to the FederaI Reserve in AtIanta.

Quiet! Just as pIanned.

Looks a IittIe Iate for that, Boss.

Oh, no! That's how Boss got stuck for $1 million.

And since they were in his possession when they were burned the insurance company didn't have to pay for it.

But in Hazzard County, the only thing that you could ever expect is the unexpected.