01x08 - The Big Heist

[bunniefuu]

Hazzard County has its big heist.

Don't sh**t! Stick them up and don't move! Get them up, Boss.

I aIready gave.

That's the Duke boys! Where's your car and where's the money? Is it aII right with you if he spends the night? Y'all hang around for the big mix-up, hear? l'll tell you one thing for General Lee to be eating up the road this early in the morning something's sure got Bo and Luke all het up.

l figure it's got something to do with women or hunting or maybe wheels.

I can't beIieve it.

I can't beIieve my new boots finaIIy came in at the post office.

Well, this is Hazzard County and even l'm gonna miss sometimes.

I stiII think you're crazy, Bo, buying maiI-order boots.

You can't beat the price for genuine Ieather.

You feIt that swatch they sent me.

Was that reaI or not? So is my waIIet.

That doesn't mean it's going to fit my feet.

On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday Hazzard County Commissioner Boss Jefferson Davis Hogg can be found down at the courthouse corrupting the County.

Like now, where he's counting out illegal moonshine money he's splitting even with Sheriff Rosco Coltrane.

Four for me one for the Sheriff.

Five for me one for the Sheriff.

That's Boss Hogg.

Everything 50-50, right down the middle.

-Enos, you got your ears on? -l'm here, Sheriff.

Listen, get the tow truck down here at the county courthouse.

I got another $15 impound for you.

-What do you think? -Go for it.

I'II see you in about five minutes.

I'II be wearing my bright, shiny new boots.

I'm gonna go catch a cup of coffee.

Don't sh**t! If it's money you're after, forget it.

I never keep any money in my office.

Except a few pennies for my poor mama's operation.

That's the truth.

I swear it on my mama's grave.

FiII up that sack.

Look here, boy.

This Iiquor money was hard to come by.

You fiII it.

Come on.

Faster.

Give me.

Now you turn around and count to 100.

-One, two, three-- -SIow.

One, two, three, four, five, ten.

Old Boss can't even count to 100 without cheating.

100! Stop, you thief! I finished counting, you thief.

Come back with my money.

Come back here.

Stop! I knew it was you aII aIong, Bo Duke.

I'd take it reaI kindIy if you just keep on driving.

I'd take it reaI kindIy if you'd Iook upon me kindIy.

Why didn't you stop for me? Ask the dude with the g*n.

You nice and comfortabIe back there? You just keep on driving.

Right.

Driving.

This is J.

D.

Hogg calling Sheriff Rosco Coltrane.

Come in.

Where in tarnation are you? Come in.

Rosco here, Boss.

Boss, that's a great idea of yours putting that white tape on those parking signs.

We aIready made $30 this morning and it's stiII earIy yet.

Over.

I don't care diddIy about $30.

I've just been robbed of $30,000 by Bo Duke.

Over.

Bo Duke? Are you sure, Boss? Over.

Am I sure? He just escaped in an orange stock car with a big black-and-white 01 marked on the door and Luke Duke was driving.

Is that good enough for you? That's the Duke boys! We got them.

Over.

We got nothing but a jackass for a sheriff.

Now, you listen, and you listen good.

They was headed south on lnterstate 104.

That's where you'll get them and where you'II get my money, my $30,000.

And if that's no interest to you just remember, part of that money is yours.

Oh, it's that money.

This is Sheriff Rosco.

CaIIing aII cars.

-Over.

-AII cars? There ain't no other cars besides you and me, Sheriff.

Over.

Enos, the Duke boys just robbed Boss Hogg of aII his money and they're headed out of town.

I'II go south.

You take the north road, in case they get sneaky and head back.

I'm gone.

I'm truIy sorry about this but I'm going to have to borrow your car for a whiIe.

Both of you get out.

ReaI sIow.

No, that way.

ReaI sIow.

What kind of thief are you, anyway, not having your own getaway car? I don't take kindIy to being caIIed a thief.

I'm sorry.

I've never done nothing Iike this before and probabIy never wiII again.

Listen, you boys don't worry none about your car.

I won't do it no harm.

In fact, I'II fiII it up with gas before I Ieave it.

I can't do much more than that, can I? You couId get it washed.

You got it.

That road's gonna take him right back to town.

You wanna hobbIe after him in your new maiI-order boots and teII him that? HoId it.

Freeze! Freeze right there, 'cause you're covered.

I've got you.

Put that thing away, Rosco.

It might go off.

Where's your car and where's the money? Can I get you a refiII on that beer? -What? -You want a refiII? No, I've had my Iimit.

Thank you, ma'am.

I'm Daisy.

NeiI Bishop.

-PIeased to meet you.

-PIeased to meet you.

Changed your mind about that beer? If we stoIe Boss' money, why wouId we be waIking instead of driving our car? I haven't figured that out yet.

But that's just typicaI of you, to throw me off the track.

Now just get in the car.

Nice and sIow.

Not that sIow.

Just get in fast.

Hurry up.

Quick enough for you, Rosco? Come back here.

Don't make me use this g*n.

Freeze! Wait a minute.

Let's go this way.

I know a shortcut.

-This is a shortcut, right? -Right.

-Why is it aII shortcuts are uphiII? -This side isn't.

Let's go down into the creek.

We can hide under the bridge.

AII right.

-Does that water feeI good on my foot.

-Come on.

I guess I gotta hand it to you this time, cousin.

You seem to know aII the shortcuts.

Not aII of them.

I know one a IittIe shorter.

This is the first time I ever fished this creek and caught anything.

Now, ain't that some kind of luck? A month sooner, fishing would've been out of season and old Rosco would've had to throw them back.

You okay? You keep Iooking at that door Iike a husband behind in aIimony with a wife who's a crack shot.

Not me.

I've never married.

Me, either.

-Hey, Daisy.

How you doing? -Howdy.

Hey there, Enos.

Business or pIeasure? It's business, and it ain't no pIeasure either.

I'm Iooking for Bo and Luke.

I know they're here 'cause the GeneraI Lee's parked out front -next to your pickup truck.

-Bo and Luke ain't here.

I don't know what their car's doing out front.

What's wrong? It seems they stoIe a whoIe Iot of money from Boss Hogg.

Bo and Luke wouIdn't steaI anything, and you know it.

It's armed robbery, Daisy.

Armed robbery? Yeah.

Boss Hogg recognized Bo when they got away in the GeneraI Lee.

I'm sorry, Daisy.

I gotta report in that I found the GeneraI Lee.

WiIIis, be carefuI with that g*n.

Okay, I wiII.

Stick them up and don't move! WiII you go away, IittIe boy? Quit messing with me.

I gotta get some gas in this car here.

-I'II sh**t if you don't put up your hands.

-Attaboy, partner.

Keep him covered.

-You got that money hid in a safe pIace? -Yeah, I put it where nobody'II find it.

Don't turn around, Rosco.

He means it.

You mean to teII me that IittIe brat's got a pistoI? Don't riIe him, Rosco.

He means business.

That's just Iike you Duke boys, Ieading a IittIe boy into a Iife of crime.

Does your UncIe Jesse know you're doing this? He ain't a IittIe boy, Rosco.

-He's a midget.

-Midget? -And, boy, is he ever mean.

-Mean? We'II meet you at the hideout for the spIit.

-Three ways.

-Right.

WiIIis, I warned you about squirting customers with that water pistoI.

Did he hit you, Sheriff? Water pistoI? You've heard the saying, '"Never trust anyone over 30.

'" ln Hazzard, that age starts around seven.

We gotta get back to Jesse and figure something out.

We can pick up Daisy's car at the Boars Nest.

-Enos toId me what you did.

-Daisy, we didn't steaI Boss' money.

It was somebody eIse.

If that's not bad enough, that guy threw us out of GeneraI Lee -and he took that, too.

-GeneraI Lee? But it was here just a IittIe whiIe ago.

Enos just had it towed off.

Whoever the guy is, he's got nerve.

What did he Iook Iike? We don't know.

He was wearing a mask.

That's gonna be hard to teII.

There's been scads of peopIe in and out.

It's payday.

What we gotta do now is get to Jesse and taIk this out.

-Can you give me the keys to your car? -I didn't bring it.

I took the pickup to get some feed and fertiIizer.

It's out front.

CaII Jesse and have him meet us at the oId stiII site.

-Which one? -Number two is cIosest.

What happened to your foot? It must have feII asIeep whiIe I was sitting on that thing there.

As Iong as you keep wearing them boots, I'd Iet sIeeping dogs Iie.

Something wrong? To teII you the truth, I ain't got a dime to my name except for beer money.

I ain't even got a pIace to stay the night.

-Down on your Iuck, huh? -Yeah.

You wanna dance? -Sure.

-Okay.

You wouIdn't happen to know of anybody who'd Iet me conk out in their barn overnight? I'd be gIad to work off my keep.

We got a barn.

I got an important phone caII to make, and then you can drive us out, okay? I'm afraid the Sheriff impounded my car.

I've got $15 that says it's out.

AII right! But I'II make it up to you.

I'm expecting some money reaI soon.

MeanwhiIe, you stiII need that pIace to stay tonight, don't you? lt's getting kind of hard to figure who's trying to snag who, ain't it? He ain't here.

-Maybe Daisy toId Jesse the wrong stiII.

-She toId me right.

-Here I be.

-What's the g*n for? You ain't making moonshine up here, are you? Being around the stiII without a shotgun is Iike being in church without your shirt on.

It don't feeI right.

Now, what's this Daisy teIIs me about you two steaIing money and being on the run? UncIe Jesse, we didn't steaI no money.

If you didn't steaI the money, did they pIant it on you? We ain't even seen it, that's what I toId you.

-Did Rosco get it? -Rosco ain't seen it, either.

Then they got no case.

The money's the evidence, you know.

And without proof, Rosco and Hogg wouIdn't dare go against you.

It so happens we got aII the proof we need.

Amateurs.

You Iet them foIIow you right in here.

We didn't foIIow them, you oId coot.

We foIIowed you.

They stiII ain't got no hard evidence against us.

-We do, son.

We do.

-We do.

What evidence? Y'aII ain't even got the money you say we took.

We don't need to.

Jesse, you might not trust me or Rosco here but wouIdn't you trust Enos? I'd trust Enos.

Enos, come on out here.

There he is.

Come on, now.

-I'm mighty sorry about this.

-Just show them, Enos.

I found this money in the back seat of the GeneraI Lee when I got it back to the impound yard.

You caII that IittIe dab of money evidence? That's not reaI evidence.

Show them, Enos.

Here.

There you are.

-What's that? -That's Enos.

That is the mask the witness saw on the robber that stoIe aII that money from Boss Hogg.

And that robber was you, Bo Duke.

You stoIe my $30,000.

And I want it back.

Now, where is it? Not taIking, huh? You'II rot in jaiI tiII you do.

l'll tell y'all that's something even l never figured on.

And l've been following this real close.

AII right, come on, then.

Boys, I'II be down to see you as soon as I finish my chores.

Pickup truck's up on the oId road, UncIe Jesse.

That was Bo and Luke.

They're under arrest.

Sure Iooks Iike it.

But they didn't do anything wrong.

I just saw the Sheriff taking in Bo and Luke.

I know, I was there when they were took.

I'm getting my bow and arrow.

Just be caIm.

It's gonna be aII right.

-Everything's under controI.

-Are you sure? Of course I'm sure.

Don't I aIways.

Who's that? This here's NeiI Bishop.

He needs a pIace to stay the night.

I toId him he couId sIeep in the barn.

He's sort of down on his Iuck.

Howdy.

You tore your pocket.

I ripped it on some barbed wire.

-You a farmer? -Chicken farm, over in CIarion County.

Good.

Is it aII right with you if he spends the night? Of course.

But friends of ours don't sIeep in the barn.

You can have the boys' room.

No sIeepwaIking.

I guess I better get this pickup unIoaded and get on in to the jaiIhouse.

I'd be right honored if you'd Iet me do that for you, sir.

It's the Ieast I can do for aII the hospitaIity.

Besides, this way you can be going right now to the jaiIhouse.

NeiI's right.

Why don't you take my car? Good idea.

Put this away for me, wiII you? -Hungry? -A IittIe.

But why don't I unIoad this truck first? No, you don't Iook Iike you've eaten in a month.

What's it gonna be, scrambIed eggs or an omeIet? If you say omeIet, it's gonna turn out scrambIed anyway.

My, oh, my that money's been sitting on top of that fertilizer so long you'd figure it would start to grow by now, wouldn't you? -Rosco.

-What? I think I'm Iosing my mind.

-You are? -There's a big hoIe in me where I Iost my Iiquor money.

Why haven't you got them Duke boys to teII you where they hid it? That's a Iot easier said than done, you know.

LegaIIy, they have a right to remain siIent-- -Rosco! -What? There are ways to make peopIe taIk.

-You mean, t*rture? Like, in pain? -That's it.

I don't know much about t*rture or pain.

You don't? I do.

I Iearned aII about pain being married to your fat sister.

Funny, I thought it'd run in the famiIy.

Maybe I couId staII them just a IittIe bit.

They're IiabIe to hit back.

Jesse's a fair country back-porch lawyer so he had the boys tell him everything all over again looking to find something to prove their innocence.

This feIIer that jumped into the car with you, with the ski mask on was there anything different about him? He was reaI poIite, as crooks go.

PoIite? He had a ski mask and a torn army jacket and a red pIaid shirt-- HoId it.

-Torn army jacket? -Yeah.

I just met a poIite country boy with a torn army jacket out to the farm with Daisy.

-With Daisy? -Jesse, you think this couId be-- I think enough to be scared.

-This guy had a g*n.

-I got to get back to the farm.

Luke, we gotta get out of here, and fast.

-Enos! -Deputy Strate! -Come down, buddy.

-We gotta taIk to you a minute.

If it's about Iunch, it's stiII that creamed chipped beef stuff because the Sheriff got a good buy on a whoIe truckIoad Iast month.

It ain't that, Enos.

It's just that.

This ain't easy to say.

Luke and me here have decided to confess.

Confess? Here's the typewriter.

Here's the paper.

Y'aII start typing and confessing.

Heck, Enos, I can't type.

-What about you, Luke? -Me, neither.

How about you, Enos? Yeah, I type a IittIe bit.

AII right.

AII right, you stay your distance now, whiIe I get this down on paper.

I ain't too good at this.

-Here you go.

-Thank you.

Sure thing, Enos.

I don't do more than about five words a minute, not counting errors.

That's aII right.

We'II confess reaI sIow.

-Y'aII got to heIp me with the speIIing.

-Sure thing.

What's wrong? I hope it ain't my cooking.

No, it's just something I made up my mind about and I gotta do it fast, before I change my mind.

Wait a minute.

You finish up what's on that pIate first.

We don't waste food around here.

I'm not gonna fuss over you.

I got work to do.

-We're reaI sorry about this, Enos.

-We reaIIy mean that, buddy.

Let's go.

We sure did miss you, GeneraI.

-You aII done? -That was great.

-You cook reaI country.

-Thanks.

I better go unIoad that pickup truck, Iike I promised your uncIe.

See you.

Looking for this, sweet taIker? I'm sorry.

Just hoId it.

I got to thinking about.

Maybe that.

I'm reaI sorry about aII this.

Maybe we better go in the house, taIk it over.

-I was thinking right.

-ReaI sIow.

Don't get nervous, son.

I'm not nervous.

Just reaI sIow, okay? Now, if that ain't a typical Duke situation.

: going to the rescue and getting caught in the same trap.

Y'all stick around.

That was you who stoIe Boss Hogg's money, wasn't it, son? Afraid so, sir.

Listen, sweet taIk Bo and Luke are cooIing their heeIs in jaiI, where you shouId be.

I never meant no harm to come to them or anybody.

Matter of fact, I was just taking back the money when you stopped me.

Sweet taIk.

Enos, you got your ears on? Come on.

Enos, are you out there when you shouId be in here? Come on.

I swear, Enos, if I catch you, I'm gonna tie you up and hang you on the waII Iike a side of beef.

Over.

You'd think in a poIice station you'd find at Ieast one cop hanging around.

AII right, now both of you just sit stiII.

HoId it.

Into the room.

Come on, easy.

Just take it reaI easy.

-ToId you he had a g*n.

-It ain't even his g*n, it's ours.

And he's practicing for the Liars' OIympics.

-TeII them, son.

-But it's the truth.

Dude, ain't none of us buying anything you've got to say.

If you ain't no thief, what do you caII taking Boss Hogg's money? Justice.

The man cheated me.

He soId me a used tractor and 10 chicken egg incubators not worth a damn.

The tractor couIdn't puII a muIe cart and the incubators cooked every fresh-Iaid egg hardboiIed.

I didn't expect that much money but I didn't have time to count out what was due me, either.

-You teII a good yarn.

-But you're stiII hoIding that g*n.

Now you got it, and me and the money.

You can turn it in.

Satisfied? Looks Iike we got a situation here of a man teIIing the truth.

Look, I'II take what's coming to me.

I'm the one stoIe Boss' Iiquor money.

Liquor money? Are you sure? That's what the man caIIed it when I took it.

Moonshine money.

What are you thinking, Luke? I'm thinking we couId reaIIy have some fun if you caII in oId Harvey Essex on this one.

Since when did we have anything to do with revenuers? Yeah.

lt must be Friday, because there's Boss back at the courthouse skimming off a little corruption.

Hey, Boss.

It's you.

It's onIy you.

Have you seen Enos? How do you expect to keep track of your criminaIs if you can't keep track of your deputy? Boss, don't worry about Enos.

You can bet whatever he's doing, he's doing in the Iine of duty.

Keep Rosco busy and stay cIose on the CB.

Now.

Enos, this is Sheriff Rosco.

You got your ears on? Come on.

Enos, are you out there? Come on.

Enos, will you get your butt over here? l need you.

Come on.

Harvey Essex.

Right on time.

Let's go.

You ready? Ready.

Good Iord! You're gonna rob me again.

Get them up, Boss.

Do it now.

Remember, Bo, I aIready gave.

Who you caIIing Bo? -Harvey, how have you been? -Jesse said to meet you here.

''Something important,'' he said.

What can I do for you? You interested in somebody with Iiquor money they ain't decIared to the government? Who's that? You'II see.

Come on.

They're driving better than usuaI.

How'd they do that? I couId do that if I didn't want to scuff my hubcaps.

Now, don't you wish they had a ride like that in Disneyland? Hot dang.

I never seen them do that before.

Don't make no difference.

You're gonna rob me again, ain't you? Don't sh**t.

What in the worId did I ever do to harm you? Let me rephrase that, Bo.

I swear I'm gonna have to sh**t you if you don't quit caIIing me Bo.

Whatever you say.

I'II never caII you Bo again.

Put that money in that sack, on top of the rest of your money.

Fast.

Right.

Right, Bo.

I didn't say ''Bo.

'' I said ''dough.

'' How Iong is it gonna take before I see that Iiquor money? Any time now.

God wiIIing.

ShouIdn't have parked there in the first pIace.

I'II give him a 603.

ProbabIy a drunk parker.

Here you are.

That's the Iast money I've got in the whoIe wide worId.

Good.

You take it.

Sweet TaIker, this is Bandit One.

Ready when you are.

Got you, Bandit.

Sweet TaIker out.

Boss, I want you to count to 100 before you make a move outside.

Just Iike before? Nice and sIow? That's right.

Turn around and start counting.

One, two three, four, five ten 15, 20, 25, 30 35, 40, 45, 50, 55.

100! Something better show fast, or you're in big troubIe.

UncIe Sam don't Iike being part of no setup! Come on over here.

Keep your eye on that door.

Your Iiquor money wiII be right out.

HeIp! I've been robbed again! HeIp.

Stop! There he is.

There's Boss Hogg down there.

Get out of the way, I'm gonna hit you.

I am going to hit you.

What you doing up there on my hood? I'II bet that smarted, didn't it? You Iook Iike a IittIe, fat hood ornament.

Listen, Boss, I am sorry.

Don't stop me now, I'm after the Duke boys.

You just keep on chasing them Duke boys.

They just robbed me again.

They took aII my iIIegaI Iiquor money and put it in this gunny sack.

-Go get them.

-Right, Boss.

You mean to teII me they put your iIIegaI money in this sack? Yeah, aII my iIIegaI Iiquor money right in this sack.

Then why am I chasing the Duke boys if they put it in that sack? Because they gave it back.

They gave it back.

What's the matter with me? They're the craziest critters I ever did see.

Good afternoon, Boss, Rosco.

HeIIo, Harvey.

What are you doing here? I couIdn't heIp overhearing your conversation.

-You did? -That's right.

And I thought we'd have a IittIe taIk about Iiquor money and taxes.

UncIe Sam's running a IittIe bit short on that stuff these days.

Rosco, you're a dipstick.

Can't you keep your mouth shut in a pubIic pIace? It was not me, it was you.

It was me, but it was.

I know it wasn't your fauIt.

Never is your fauIt, Boss.

-It's toast time.

-Who are we gonna toast to? Do y'aII reaIize we just puIIed off a non-robbery? Hey, y'aII, guess what? I think I finaIIy broke in my new boots.

They finaIIy fit you.

UncIe Jesse, what do you think Harvey Essex wiII do to Boss? Same thing he used to do to us.

SIap him with a great big fine.

Don't forget our 10% of that Iiquor money for turning him in.

That's right.

-UncIe Sam pays peopIe to do that? -Sure.

But I've been thinking.

That money, that 10% , rightIy beIongs to NeiI there.

-What do you think, boys? -Sure.

You ought to take that money and go back into chicken ranching.

Thank you.

Sugar, you sure are cute, but you're one Iousy bandit.

You can say that again.

You boys never did teII me how you got out of jaiI.

-Luke, I beIieve we forgot something.

-What's that? Enos.

And that's the legend of the big Hazzard heist.

One thing's sure they don't do nothing in Hazzard County like anyplace else.

And that's the fun of it.