01x03 - Mary Kaye's Baby

[bunniefuu]

I'd give a nickeI to find out why they're chasing us.

I say who steaIs what, from whom, and where.

-Is this your money? -It is now.

I don't care who gets hurt, just as Iong as I get my money back.

Y'all stick around, you hear? You figured out yet if it's us he's chasing? Yep, got it aII figured out.

-See anybody in front of us? -No.

Then it's us.

Enos, you got your ears on? Come on.

Yes, sir.

I read you, Sheriff.

I'm at Parkins Road, Iike you said.

Over.

I got them heading towards you, about 3 miIes out.

Over.

Come ahead, Sheriff.

There ain't nobody getting past me.

I'm gonna turn off here, just to see if he's serious.

He's serious.

But we ain't done nothing wrong, have we? -We're gonna hit oId SIade.

-Hang a right.

Come on.

-How's he know it's us if it ain't our car? -I bet your dazzIing driving gave us away.

And if you don't step on it, he'II give us a ticket for iIIegaI parking.

I'd give a nickeI to find out why they're chasing us.

-There's Enos.

You can ask him.

-AII right.

I was kidding! Rosco? Sheriff CoItrane here.

Over.

You come see me.

You see, I'm in hot pursuit, and I'm just gonna get them-- Now, Rosco.

Don't make me teII you twice.

Roger, wiIco, and out.

And cut that CB shuck and jive.

Just say goodbye and hightaiI your rear end over here pronto.

Yes, sir.

Enos, how are you doing, boy? I'm in hot pursuit, Sheriff, and cIosing.

That's a boy, get them ! Just stay with them, and stay on them.

Over and out.

He sure is good, oId Enos is.

He shouId be.

He's Iearned from his daddy and his daddy ran moonshine right aIongside your daddy and mine.

Seems like everybody's daddy in Hazzard County used to run moonshine at one time or another alongside everybody else's daddy.

He sure is good.

You can teII him that.

He's gonna catch us any minute, the way you're poking aIong.

I was gonna Iet you take that bow and sh**t his tires out but I'm afraid you'd miss and hit ours.

I wish there were some girIs around here.

Maybe you'd show off and drive faster.

Now, who in the world would get chased by the law and not know why? Bo and Luke Duke.

The Duke boys.

They fight the system when they ain't fighting among themselves.

Oh, no.

Moonshine.

-What is it? -Moonshine.

You keep her humping and I'II ditch the evidence.

And who would borrow the only car in the county loaded with the very thing to get their probation revoked? Getting caught with that moonshine means two years in prison sure as God made little green apples.

Who was Cooter running that whiskey for? Somebody Iuckier than us.

That somebody is gonna be awfuI peeved at Cooter.

We'II write him an excuse.

Now, don't y'all go relaxing too much.

The boys ain't out of trouble yet.

Like my old uncle used to say.

: '"There's trouble, and then there's trouble.

'" And the trouble with some trouble is at first it don't look like trouble.

Did you see that? Not unIess you mean Mary Kaye Porter.

5'5'', 1 15 pounds honey-bIonde hair, baby bIue eyes, nice smiIe, and Ioads of dimpIes.

What's she doing on a back mountain road that don't see a car in two or three hours? We're about to find out.

-Hey there, Mary Kaye.

-Hey there, yourseIf.

I ain't seen you in these parts in months.

How's about nine? -Yeah, how about that? -Thanks for stopping and aII.

Every day, it takes a IittIe more huffing and puffing.

-Where are you headed? -FIorida.

-That is south.

-I want to go there and have my baby.

I didn't know you had any kin in FIorida.

No, we don't.

I've aIways been partiaI to FIorida.

Taking the scenic route? WeII, the Sheriff don't aIIow hitchhiking on the freeways.

Listen, I reaIIy appreciate this.

I reaIIy do.

-How's UncIe Jesse, and Daisy, and them? -They're fine.

-Right, y'aII set back there? -Yeah, I'm okay.

You okay? Either they're after me for hitchhiking, or Bo's turned into Richard Petty.

Sorry.

OId Bo here's a Ieadfoot.

It won't happen again.

You ever seen a car chase where you can't go over 30 miles an hour? Sheriff Rosco CoItrane here.

Rosco, what in tarnation is keeping you? Boss.

If you ain't here inside five minutes, you wiII be -I'm in! -the night rent-a-cop at the drive-in deli on Frontage Road.

-Rosco.

-Yes, sir.

One of my best customers, nameIy Mayor.

Erase that.

One of my best customers, who shaII remain nameIess has been waiting over two hours for deIivery.

WeII, Boss, you know I'd do anything in the worId for you.

But you know I can't be hauIing moonshine in a poIice car.

-Has anybody asked you, jackass? -No, sir.

AII my reguIar drivers went to the church fish-fry.

I wish I'd gone.

They got some girIs down there that's got me.

So I hired Cooter Davenport.

He Ioves my money.

Now it Iooks Iike he Ioves my whiskey, too.

He ought to.

That's good shine.

With those naveI oranges, and you get some appIe juice.

That wasn't Cooter who's got your whiskey.

It's them Duke boys.

Bo and Luke Duke.

In fact, I was after them.

I got them down a dirt road, got them boxed in and they hooked this 180-degreer.

WeII, then I want Cooter, or Bo, or Luke or somebody arrested! -For steaIing your moonshine? -For possession of moonshine.

-It's iIIegaI.

Look it up.

-Right.

-Damn, I hate a thief.

-Me, too.

I hate those guys.

Besides, anybody steaIing from me -sets a bad exampIe for everybody eIse.

-Right.

When it comes to steaIing in Hazzard County I say who steaIs what, from whom, and where.

ln case you're new around here, Boss Hogg runs things in Hazzard County.

lncluding the Sheriff.

Now, if he wants somebody arrested, somebody's gonna get arrested.

And Bo and Luke are leading candidates to be somebody.

Right, I'm gonna get them this time.

I'm gonna get over there.

You just better, or eIse you wiII be.

The night rent-a-cop at the drive-in deIi on Frontage Road.

And that's just the first twist of the few knots in this tale.

-OId Enos is heading home for Iunch.

-WeII, even deputies get hungry.

You know, one thing you can count on with any car of Cooter Davenport's is you can't count on it.

You know, Mary Kaye, I never got to meet this husband of yours but, if you don't mind my saying so, he's eIevated being a fooI to a new IeveI.

I was the fooI.

See, I thought we couId make it work.

But he's out of my Iife now.

And, anyway, Andy's famiIy is happy it's over.

WeII, they gotta be nuts.

Not wanting to see their own grandchiId? Being country, I wasn't right for their son.

You know, with coIIege, society, money, and aII.

What you just said about money and aII.

It seems to me what you shouId have done is had them send you some so you couId get back to FIorida get that baby of yours born and heIp you out untiI you get back on your feet again.

I don't want anything from them, not even a wedding ring.

Except you got something.

Yeah, I thought that way at first, too, but I don't now.

I mean, I'm gIad.

'Cause it's a Iife.

Hey, there may be a president in there.

WeII, Mr.

President, wouId you and your mother pIease get in the car? Ms.

President.

She's a girI.

Enos, this is Sheriff Rosco.

You got your ears on? Come on.

Here I am, Sheriff.

Are you stiII in hot pursuit, boy? More Iike Iukewarm, Sheriff.

I Iost them.

You Iost them? One thing about you, Enos, you're consistent.

Give me about $2 worth, wiII you? -We're gonna have to heIp her out.

-She'd never take a handout.

Maybe we couId kind of sIip the money into her suitcase and she'd find it when she got to FIorida? Keeping some back for Iunch, I got about $6.

I got $4 and some change.

She sure didn't take much.

Now, what did l say? Didn't l tell you there's a twist or two to go? WeII, I'm surprised you Duke boys just didn't drive off with it.

You sure had us fooIed.

-Is this your money? -It is now.

You in troubIe, Mary Kaye? You see, you've aIready decided the worst.

No, not us.

-Where did you get it? -You wouIdn't beIieve me if I toId you.

How much is in there? ExactIy $1 18,254.

37.

$1 18,254.

And 37 cents.

That is a considerabIe amount to be Iost.

Lost? More Iike stoIen.

And you say aII that money is down here, in my county? Yep, and I know just who I'm Iooking for.

But I wouIdn't step on to your turf without touching base with you.

I stay out of AtIanta and you stay out of Hazzard County.

-Good fences make good neighbors.

-True.

Except for now.

You say you know who.

Mary Kaye Porter.

That's Henry Porter's youngest.

-She wouIdn't.

-She wouId and she did.

Her boyfriend was working for me, had the money at the house.

When he got arrested, she took it.

Is there something I can do to heIp? Leo and me wiII handIe this one.

I'm not sure I Iike the word ''handIe.

'' Mr.

McQuade wiII be a whoIe Iot friendIier when he finds that none of his money is missing.

That incIudes the 37 cents.

$1 18,254.

37.

-And not one penny of it's for yourseIf? -That's what I said.

I know that's what you said, but-- ChiId support at $100 a week for 18 years comes to exactIy $93,600.

And the rest is for medicaI expenses, estimated dentaI costs and coIIege education.

PIus, enough to cover the rate of infIation figured at about 10% a year.

I'm sure gIad she didn't get a craving for pickIes.

-I did, earIy on.

-So am I.

Right now, I'II die if I don't find some pickIed peaches.

I'm sure gIad I'm not pregnant.

I think I'd get sick.

Don't worry.

For a IittIe oId country girI, you've sure got a mind for figures.

LittIe oId country girIs can add and muItipIy, you know.

Here.

Anyway, there's one thing more.

There aren't any parents.

My husband's, I mean.

I made them up.

-Did you make up your husband, too? -No.

WeII, we taIked about getting married, but he said there wasn't any rush.

At the time.

I Ioved him and he Ioved me.

He aIso said that he was in reaI estate.

Not true.

He worked for somebody named McQuade, a gangster in AtIanta.

lf you're wondering why the boys' eyes are bugged out like a popeyed mule.

Well, in Chicago, it was Al Capone.

ln New York, Dutch Schultz.

And, in Atlanta, it's Quirt McQuade, and most everybody knows it.

My husband was sent to jaiI and Mr.

McQuade didn't Iift a finger, or a Iawyer, to heIp.

That's Andy's chiId, but that's not Andy's money.

Andy was supposed to deIiver that money to McQuade, right? Yeah, I guess.

You got any idea what McQuade's gonna do to you when he finds you? Listen, y'aII have been reaIIy sweet but I think I'm gonna Ieave you here, 'cause I don't want you to get invoIved.

If that ain't indigestion, we're in troubIe.

You know, there's times when it's hard for good old boys to be good old boys.

And this is one of them.

How do you keep from cracking up with that oId Boss Hogg? It wasn't easy.

How about when he says, he stays out of AtIanta if you stay out of Hazzard County? -Now, that's fair.

-Sure, to us.

-Come in.

-Yes, Boss? TeII me something.

Do you know the way to the Porter farm? Sure do.

I went to schooI with Mary Kaye Porter since the third grade.

-I ain't seen her IateIy.

-You'II see her today.

-How come? -She's come into a great sum of money.

And it couId be very dangerous for her to hoId on to it.

-And you're gonna heIp her out? -Right.

By hoIding on to it yourseIf? Something Iike that.

Let's go.

-Here he comes.

-That's the cue.

I ask you boys not to hauI moonshine.

And what do you do? -You don't Iisten to me.

-Why did you have to go and do this? Now you're gonna end up going to jaiI! I've toId you time and time again.

I was just saying to Daisy, ''I think company's coming.

'' Listen, I heard voices in here-- We were reminiscing about when the boys got caught moonshining two years ago.

Bo and Luke ain't here.

They're gonna be here, and soon.

I know that.

I doubt that seeing as how they're driving a car fuII of Boss Hogg's whiskey.

Cooter caIIed me and toId me about the mix-up of the cars.

Jesse, you don't mind if I stick around for a IittIe whiIe, do you? Of course not, Rosco.

You're just a sheriff trying to do your job.

-That's right.

-And I'm an uncIe trying to do his job.

-What? -Keeping you from doing your job.

You don't think those boys are dumb enough not to get rid of the whiskey that's in that car, do you? Yeah, but the question is did they have time to Iook into the trunk? It don't make no difference anyway, because they have been observed transporting contraband whiskey in that vehicIe.

That's just gonna bIow the heII out of their probation.

I bet that threw a pucker into you two, didn't it? Wouldn't you just love to wipe that egg-sucking grin off of Rosco's face? As you probably guessed, these are the two city dudes tracking their money, and a pretty, pregnant woman.

And they ain't doing bad for old city boys.

ln fact, they're hotter than a pair of blue tick hounds on their first hunt.

Another 10 miIes, we'II be at the farm and then there's about 40 miIes of rough road to get to the hospitaI.

We couId cut down that oId tote road across the back of Narramore's pIace -and save a coupIe of miIes.

-We do that, rutted Iike it is and we'II have us another passenger before we get there.

What do you think it is? This fan beIt's Ioose, for one thing.

This engine's so souped-up, driving it as sIow as we have has given it the coIic.

Go grab that tooI kit out of the back seat.

You just hoId on now to everything, okay? Start making Iike one heII of a mechanic, or we're gonna become midwives.

You reckon it's gonna dawn on them to wonder why the tools were up front instead of in the trunk where they belong? Ever since those boys were put on probation they've been thumbing their nose at the Iaw.

NameIy, me.

Given your kind of Iaw, maybe thumbing their nose was a gracious gesture.

You were a fair-to-middIing Iawman, once.

-I sure was, for 20 Iong, underpaid years.

-What happened to your sense of justice? It went with 20 cent bread and 35 cent gasoIine.

AIong with my pension, which the peopIe in Hazzard County vetoed.

If it's for you, we'II Iet you know.

HeIIo.

HeIIo, Daisy? Is UncIe Mr.

Jesse stiII there? Yeah.

It's Cooter again.

Hey, Cooter.

Sir, are Bo and Luke back yet? They've been gone for an awfuI Iong time.

Are you stiII there? WeII, that's good to hear.

What's awfuI good to hear? We must have a bad connection or something.

That's fine.

I'm gIad you got your whiskey back.

No, he's sitting right here, waiting for the boys.

Cooter, never mind what I said.

Rosco is on his way over to your pIace right now, so staII him.

Give the boys time to dump that whiskey.

Yes, sir.

Some days, you can't even cram it into second even if you doubIe-cIutch it.

What in the worId couId that IittIe Porter girI do with aII that money? $1 18,254.

37.

-What's that, Boss? -Nothing.

I just hate to see money Ieave Hazzard County.

Bad for the economy.

Mine.

AII right, hit it.

Try it again.

There she is.

PuII on over now.

Wait a minute.

We got a Iady with a baby back there.

-Where's my money? -It's my baby's money, Mr.

McQuade.

Rube, I don't care who gets hurt just as Iong as I get my money back.

You're gonna have to take it.

You want me to handIe this, Mr.

McQuade? -I'm very disappointed in you, Mary Kaye.

-Yeah, me, too.

l don't know about you, but l'm running out of things that can go wrong.

Stick around.

No quick moves from either of you two hayseeds.

HeIp Mary Kaye out, Leo.

-No! -Come on, don't hurt her.

Let go of me.

-Mr.

McQuade, I gotta say something.

-Say goodbye.

We'II give you the money back.

Of course you wiII, my dear.

Come on, Iet's get them.

lf l was Mary Kaye's baby, l believe l'd think twice about being born today.

How're you doing, Mary Kaye? Just dandy.

No! If we throw it out, they'II stop to pick it up.

No, it's for my baby.

Leave her be.

She's got probIems enough.

Spunky, ain't she? Of course, there's one advantage the Dukes have.

: They know the country.

Maybe taking that advantage is no way to treat a visitor from the city.

But, under the circumstances, Luke don't mind being called a poor sport.

Great.

Now, besides the Sheriff, we got two hoods from AtIanta foIIowing us.

She's running out of time.

If we can make it to UncIe Jesse's, we'II take you to hospitaI in his pickup.

I'm wiIIing.

Cooter Davenport, don't you teII me they didn't come back! I heard with my own ears.

Those boys are running moonshine for you.

-Ain't that iIIegaI? -They're running in that bIue PIymouth.

Sheriff, I wish to report a stoIen car.

A 1975 bIue PIymouth Fury with Hazzard County-- We know what it Iooks Iike.

We've been chasing the dang thing aII morning.

That's right.

Runs good, don't it? She sure does.

What do you run in that thing? I couIdn't even catch it.

-What kind of headers are in there? -Tuned EdeIbrocks.

-Tuned EdeIbrocks? -I had them put it in Iast week in RutIedge.

I was running Hookers on that Chevy that I had.

But I totaIed the Chevy, and I was thinking about.

-Enos, what are you doing? -Just a minute.

This is what we need on the Sheriff's car.

Y'aII come by here anytime.

I'II give you a good price on any kind of work that y'aII need.

Damn and doubIe damn! Howdy.

-HeIIo, McQuade.

-HeIIo, Boss.

Fine day.

They're aII fine.

Some are just finer than others.

That there's the undying truth, ain't it? We ain't found her, neither.

WeII, good hunting.

That's the word.

-Hi, Daisy.

-Hi! The Sheriff was here.

He'II just have to stand in Iine and wait his turn.

Don't worry about it.

We aIready dumped the whiskey that was in the car.

IncIuding the shine that's in the trunk? -The trunk? -Yeah.

Oh, Lord.

We gotta borrow your truck and take Mary Kaye to the hospitaI.

There ain't gonna be time to take her anywhere, except in the house.

Now you two boys go boiI some water.

Daisy, you go turn down the comforter.

We's gonna have us a baby.

You sure you can do it? The onIy thing we've seen you midwife is a coupIe of goats and two mares.

My mama was the best midwife in aII of Hazzard County.

Bo, you go tear up some cIean sheets.

Just go do what I toId you.

Now, Mary Kaye, don't you be afraid.

I can't teII you the number of IittIe babies I've brought into this worId.

The very first sight they ever did see in their whoIe Iife was this handsome face of mine.

IncIuding them two up there.

Now go on.

Do what I toId you.

Come on, then.

It's okay.

I'm aII right.

It's good for you.

Some more.

We's gonna have company reaI soon.

lf that baby survives this start, it deserves to become President.

Come on, Mary Kaye.

HoId on.

Breathe.

Keep breathing.

We got enough boiIing water here to wash an eIephant and two bIue tick hounds.

That's supposed to keep the new father busy.

-I ain't the father.

-I ain't, either.

But I'II teII you something.

With that Iady in there, I wouIdn't haIf mind.

Where's my money, son? With aII that happened today with Mary Kaye's baby-- I don't care about the baby.

I care about my money.

Nobody forgets $100,000.

It's in the.

It's McQuade and Leo.

Keep him covered up.

UncIe Jesse, we're between a rock and a hard pIace.

UncIe Jesse.

They're reIoading.

Bo, Luke, get out there.

-See what you can do.

-AII right.

You stay with her.

HoId it right there.

I say, McQuade.

WouId you step over here, pIease? I want to taIk with you.

-What in the heII do you want? -To begin with, watch your Ianguage.

Now then, McQuade.

CouId you pIease Iook at me when I'm taIking to you? You go paging me when there's Indians out there sh**ting at me? There's no Indians around here.

I once put in for federaI funds to heIp the Indians in Hazzard County.

But the federaIs couIdn't find one singIe Indian.

No, you're dodging arrows from those Duke boys because you shot at them.

I don't waste no Iove with them Dukes, but I won't have sh**ting in my county.

It's bad for business.

Mine.

SIot machines, rake-offs, bribing paving contractors never got nobody kiIIed.

But g*ns, no sirree, Bob! You get back right to AtIanta, or you're gonna try my patience.

Listen, you fat cIown, I'm trying to get my money back.

If it takes sh**ting to get it back, there's gonna be sh**ting.

I'm sorry you take that attitude, McQuade.

ReaI sorry.

HoId your fire, boys! It's me, Boss Hogg, your friend.

If I thought those meanies wouId go away and Ieave us aIone I'd give them their money back.

-Where is it, Mary Kaye? -Where's what? The money.

I don't rightIy remember what I did with it.

Last thing I remember, I was having the pains and then the baby came.

First off, it ain't yours to give.

-What are you saying? -It's his.

I know he don't have no name yet, but he's here.

And we're aII near getting ourseIves kiIIed so he can keep that money.

So, you see, it ain't even yours to give away.

-That's true.

-Anyways, you certainIy can't give away what you can't remember what you did with, can you? Why am I getting a headache from you? I think we're pretty smart for a coupIe of country gaIs.

How come nobody eIse knows that? Because we keep it a pretty good secret.

And Iet's keep it that way.

AII three of us.

Now those Dukes have gone too far.

My toe! You shot my toe! Do you think I'm a hick sheriff? I can part your hair anytime.

You won't pIay footbaII anymore, boy.

-Look, Iet's make a deaI.

-No deaIs.

I want my money.

-It's yours if you Ieave us aIone.

-You're dead and so are they.

AII right, sh**t.

You'II never see the money.

Freeze! You're under arrest! You have the right to remain siIent.

-Anything you say-- -Enos, don't do that now.

That constitutes crueI and unusuaI punishment.

-That a boy.

HoId him right there.

-Y'aII better get out of the way.

There's fixing to be a heck of an expIosion.

-Now, one second.

-You can have the money.

Oh, my gosh! AII that money is in there.

In there? Oh, no! -My money! -My evidence! Yep, at Ieast we got rid of that.

End of story.

Almost.

Yes, sir, that couId have been a bIue sedan.

Yep, couId have been.

And that couId have been moonshine that bIew up in the trunk.

You guys think you're smart, don't you? The truth is, he ain't really all that mad.

As much as he wants to see Bo and Luke back in jail he don't want to see them dead.

Then, there's capturing them two big city hoods.

And that's okay.

l mean, everybody should ought to get a little something out of all this.

-Is the Sheriff gone? -Yeah, he's gone, and Boss Hogg, too.

Good.

I guess I forgot to teII anybody that I brought this in.

Brought what? This! WouId you Iook at that! This is yours, IittIe feIIa.

And that's the legend of how Mary Kaye's baby got himself a fine start in life.

There ain't nobody would deny him that.