01x01 - One Armed Bandits

[bunniefuu]

I'm gonna naiI Bo and Luke Duke.

Crazy Cooter taIking.

Turkey coming right down my aIIey.

I'm having a picnic.

Which way to the beach? I want those sIot machines.

Now we got them.

I wish those Duke boys were on my side.

-Happy Birthday, Daisy.

-Why, thank you, Enos.

Now get her out.

Don't stand there.

Go get her.

Welcome to Hazzard County.

Welcome to Hazzard County.

You've probably noticed there's something different here.

Well, this is Hazzard County.

They do things different here.

This is Bo Duke and Luke Duke.

They're cousins.

They fight the system.

When I got up, the thing on my mind was to do a IittIe rabbit hunting.

-And then the hound dog runs off.

-And my car is taken.

And now we're chasing the Sheriff's car.

Ain't you gIad we ain't in the big city where Iife gets compIicated? Do you mind waiting tiII this is over.

Move it.

What are you doing? Taking a break? If you'd tuned this car instead of chasing women -we'd have aIready had him.

-Not with you asIeep at the wheeI.

-Grab that sign.

-You grab it.

-I can't.

I'm driving.

-Is that what you caII it? Try not to Iose him, okay.

It wouIdn't be much of a chase if we do.

Bo, you drive Iike my fanny whips appIe butter.

You know what? I kind of admire the way he handIes that thing.

sh**t fire and save box matches! Cooter Davenport.

You ain't got the sense the good Lord promised a turkey.

Hey, Luke.

What say, Bo.

Ain't you gonna see what he did with your car? You borrowed my car.

What did you do with it? I used it to run the Sheriff off the road to make him mad.

When he jumped out-- You jumped into his, right? Why did you steaI the Sheriff's car? He impounded mine.

Seemed onIy fair to take his.

Using my car? Oh, that's reaI good, Cooter.

I toId you not to Iend Cooter your car.

Cooter, do you reaIize what it's gonna take to straighten aII this out? No.

HeIIo, bandit.

-What's that doing there? -Maybe it was took in a raid.

There ain't no sIot machines in Hazzard County.

There is gonna be soon.

He's bringing them in.

-Who is? -Sheriff Rosco CoItrane.

That's him.

Sheriff Rosco Coltrane.

After 30 years as a fairly honest lawman most of Rosco's pension got defeated in the last bond election.

This left Rosco to face retirement on a bad case of hemorrhoids.

And about two years left in office to grab all he could.

So overnight, Rosco became the best lawman that money could buy.

He got a rake-off from moonshine, contraband and even portable prostitution in two cruising RV campers.

Now old Rosco is up for reelection.

That means the one man he's got to see is Boss Hogg.

lf Sheriff Rosco runs the county Boss Hogg runs Rosco.

Boss eats at the Boars Nest because his wife Lulu is a lousy cook.

You can tell a lot about a man by what he eats for breakfast.

Boss usually has coffee and raw liver.

Well, at least he don't dunk it.

Boss, them sIot machines is coming in today.

Good.

TeII me something.

Did the poIice get your car back? Boss, Iisten, I don't think I'm getting enough rake-off on them sIot machines.

I mean, I got a Iot of expenses, with the eIection and it's.

Listen, I'm taking aII responsibiIity of putting them sIot machines in.

-You owe me, Boss.

-I owe you? Rosco, I've overpaid any debt I'II ever have to you.

-Because you married my fat sister.

-I married your fat sister.

-Boss, about the eIection-- -You'd just better win.

That Honest John Ledbetter who's running against you can't be bought.

You mean to teII me he's honest? He's so crooked, he makes you Iook straight.

But he's cIean ruthIess.

You're dirty ruthIess.

Give me dirty ruthIess any day.

Listen, I'm gonna beat him.

I'II beat him.

Rosco, with your image right now -if you were the onIy man running-- -I'd come in second.

You'd come in second.

Jesse Duke is the clan patriarch.

You're gonna love old Jesse.

He's quite a study.

Jesse is a retired moonshiner.

And he's very religious.

Although he's well-read, he's rough as a mouthful of bark when he's riled.

Bo and Luke always have breakfast with Jesse, except on Saturdays when they eat at the garage, on donuts and beer.

You get your car back from the Sheriff yet? Dumb Cooter Davenport.

Dumb Cooter? You're the one that Ioaned your car to him.

Next time you wanna Ioan your car to a fooI Iike that, just run it over a cIiff.

Save gas.

-Mr.

Duke.

-Oh, howdy.

Remember me? JiII Dodson.

The orphanage fund? Sure.

And I got some money ready for you.

Thank you so much.

Excuse me.

I reaIIy appreciate everything that you've done.

-I'II just get it.

-Okay.

Thank you.

JiII Dodson.

You're IittIe JiIIie Rae Dodson? It's just JiII now.

I haven't seen you since you ran off to coIIege.

It's been a whiIe.

Hey, Luke, ain't it wonderfuI what hormones can do? What are you doing now? Since I got back I've been working on the orphanage project.

The Health Department will close it down if it's not completely renovated.

What about the county funds? UnfortunateIy, it's not eIigibIe for county funds.

It was privateIy endowed years ago.

The money just seems to have run out now.

So you're gonna save the oId pIace aII by yourseIf? WeII, I was raised there.

Me and Luke wouId be gIad to heIp out.

WouIdn't we, Luke? -Nope.

-What do you mean nope? It's your civic duty.

Why, at Ieast two of them kids at the orphanage couId be yours.

Bo's aIways bragging on me.

You know what I remember most about you? -What? -Your crush on me.

Isn't it funny how our tastes change when we mature.

-Was that a compIiment? -You'd probabIy think it is.

Now, all this romance does eventually fit into Rosco's election.

So y'all stick with us.

The Boars Nest, owned by Boss Hogg, is the slickest club in Hazzard.

All the elite go there.

lt has a $1 cover charge to keep out the riffraff.

I just don't understand you.

Why don't you wanna heIp JiII with the orphanage fund? We got nothing eIse cooking.

She don't do nothing for me.

I hate skinny women.

You just ain't got no taste, that's aII.

I swear, if women were birds, you'd probabIy date a buzzard.

And you'd date a crane.

No meat.

-I'm coIIecting these.

-What for? Lining the rabbit's cage.

Face up.

Daisy Duke is Bo and Luke's cousin.

She drives like Richard Petty, sh**t like Annie Oakley and knows the words to all of Dolly Parton's songs.

If we weren't cousins, I'd marry you.

That's never stopped anyone in this famiIy before.

You got a point there.

-FiII it up, baby.

-Take it easy.

Hey, don't you forget we got pIans Iater.

Get your cotton-picking paws off.

Now that I finaIIy got a hoId, I think I'II just hang on.

-Let go.

-No, it feeIs kind of nice.

-You okay? -I'm aII right.

Bo, why did you step in Iike that? I'm gonna get charged for two beers.

BeIieve me, honey, I'm not gonna do it again.

Were you going out with that sharecropper? -Of course not.

-Was that dude bothering you? He just thinks he's this big-shot gangster because he's gonna unIoad some sIot machines off a fertiIizer truck.

-That doesn't exactIy make him AI Capone.

-SIot machines? Don't put my business out on the streets.

Hey, dude, sit down.

You got me to mess with.

Okay.

I'II mess with you.

ReaIIy.

His brother's bringing in these sIot machines on a fertiIizer truck.

And then that siIIy dude wants me to go to the No-TeII MoteI with him.

Says he'II take me off to NashviIIe.

See the Grand Ole Opry, the works.

I reckon I've never wanted to see anything that bad.

Not even DoIIy Parton.

Can you imagine the Iook on Rosco's face when he opens up that fertiIizer truck-- And aII he sees is fertiIizer? Hey, Bo! What say, Luke! -How you doing? -HeIIo, Cooter.

-Y'aII stiII driving this thing on the road? -Yep.

-I was wondering-- -No, you can't borrow it.

Where's my share of the trucking money you owe me? -I gave it to Bo.

-How come? WeII, you see, I owed him $50, and y'aII being kin, I figured-- We're even.

Hey, Iook here now.

-Hey, Luke.

-Hey, Brodie, we were Iooking for you.

What are you doing? Hey, Mr.

Dobro.

You aII in for a IittIe fun? We got our cars.

Yeah? What's on? Sheriff Rosco.

Bo and Luke laid it out for them.

After a gut-busting laugh, cranked up and cut out.

-Go straight.

-It's aII right.

I know where I'm going.

I Iove your shortcut.

Cute.

They must've just changed this since Iast time a girI chased me through here.

You know, Bo, you couId Iose your way on a racetrack.

Burt ReynoIds never seemed to get Iost.

He's got a mustache.

lf there's one thing them old boys love better than a race on the track it's a chase on the road.

Since they all had CBs, they set up a net with each man on a different road.

Whoever spotted the fertilizer truck would call back to Bo and Luke who'd intercept.

Dobro Doolin staked out on the interchange.

This is Dobro DooIin coming to you Iive from the interchange.

Old Brodie watching 76 South and Crazy Cooter covered 421.

For that fertilizer truck to get by it'd have to leave the road and come overland.

-It ain't gonna work.

-Can't miss.

What if it does work? What are we gonna do with aII them sIot machines? I never thought about that.

We'II think of something.

Crazy Cooter taIking.

Turkey coming right down my aIIey.

I read you, Cooter.

-Did you copy that, Daisy? Cooter's on 421 .

-Ten-four.

Hit it.

What have we got here? Leroy, Iet's get that girI right here.

I'm gonna steaI that away.

Are you having troubIe, IittIe Iady? Yeah, I'm having a picnic.

Which way to the beach? There ain't no beach around here.

And me with this basketfuI of Iemonade and chitIin sandwiches.

AII right, boys.

Raise them high, and don't turn around.

Now y'aII promised me you wouIdn't bring machine g*ns.

-Machine g*ns? -Lord, have mercy.

Good Iuck, feIIows.

You ain't going nowhere off.

Ain't this fun? The Duke family had been in the whiskey business fifty years before the Declaration of lndependence.

They fought everybody from the British to the Confederacy to the U.

S.

Government to stay in it until last year when Bo and Luke got caught on a whiskey run.

So Jesse swallowed a lifetime of pride signed a treaty with the U.

S.

Government to stop making whiskey if Bo and Luke could get probation.

You see, he loved them boys better than life itself but sometimes, they really made him wonder why.

He found them.

-You were supposed to get the eggs.

-I thought you were.

This timeyou've gone too far.

-Now, Jesse-- -Where'd you get them? Sheriff Rosco snuck them in on a truckIoad fuII of fertiIizer.

So we h*jacked the truck.

You mean, you stoIe these gambIing machines and a truck.

-No.

-Yeah.

We Ieft the truck in front of the Sheriff's office.

What about these? -WeII, we were just thinking that maybe-- -Young man, you think again.

You know good and weII that this famiIy don't hoId with no gambIing.

Now, Jesse, we've been making moonshine for over 200 years.

Why's gambIing different? Because making whiskey was a famiIy tradition Iong before there was a U.

S.

A.

FederaI Government to teII us that we couIdn't.

And passing a Iaw didn't change the famiIy ways.

-Yeah.

But this is something-- -Besides when we were making corn whiskey, we paid taxes on the corn.

GambIing's a vice.

How are you gonna tax vice? Now, then I'm going in there and I'm gonna coIIect my eggs.

When I come back out here I don't wanna see anything but hind ends and eIbows as you two boys are Ioading them there machines on that there truck.

And don't go seIIing them at a profit.

That'd be wrong, too.

What do you think? I think I'm tired of you aIways getting us into troubIe and me having to think a way out.

We got to change his mind.

That'd be Iike reversing a buzz saw.

If we can't seII them, we're just gonna have to give them away.

Like a charity or something.

We're gonna reverse that buzz saw.

UncIe Jesse we're fixing to change your mind.

Or rather, Luke is.

-TeII him.

-WeII, Luke? Can we keep those sIots if I show you that aII gambIing ain't bad? No way.

Now how about if aII the proceeds from those machines went to the orphanage? You just found a way.

To put the machines where they'd do the most business Bo and Luke ignored the bars and roadhouses and hit all the civic and fraternal clubs.

And took 30% right off the top.

You all ever belonged to a group that wasn't trying to raise money? For instance, the Hazzard Ladies'Auxiliary needed money for a door prize a trip to see The Lawrence WeIk Show.

The Hunting Club had two projects.

: Raising money for the Animal Protective League and their annual turkey sh**t.

ln one day Bo and Luke were sold-out.

I want those sIot machines.

They've been missing three days.

That ain't my fauIt, Boss.

They set up my drivers with a haIf-naked femaIe woman up on that highway.

Anybody'd stop for that.

You'd better get them back before word gets around or you're gonna be out with the voters.

-And you.

-And me.

Better not hit too hard or the whoIe orphanage is gonna faII in.

-Hi.

You startIed me.

-You ain't seen nothing yet.

-What's that? -Money.

-What's that? -Rudy.

He's my heIper.

-You wanna get a soda pop? -Sure.

-So, here's your money.

-You're kidding.

-I never kid about Iove or money.

-But how.

It was donated by some very civic-minded peopIe.

It's not much, but it's a start.

-I'm gonna coIIect from them every week.

-That's wonderfuI! I knew it.

It is my money you're after.

Everybody said it was my body.

-IncredibIe.

-My body? -Your ego.

-Thanks.

I've been working on it for years.

Look.

Don't get me wrong.

I appreciate the money, reaIIy.

It's just that I know this is onIy a game to you.

A game? Bo, this project is very serious to me.

For the two weeks I've been back, I've fought the rotten county poIitics the HeaIth Department, everybody, to try and save this pIace.

The onIy reason we're being cIosed down is because Boss Hogg controIs the board and wants the Iand.

-What does Boss want the Iand for? -A shopping center.

This was my home.

The best possibIe any orphanage couId be.

You mean weII, and any other time it might be fun but I just don't have time for your cute country shucking and jiving right now.

I do Iike a woman saIty.

-You haven't been Iistening.

-Sure I have.

You been away to the big city and now you've come back to save the oId homestead.

-Look, I-- -WeII, whiIe you were gone aII that time I was here fighting that same rotten system every day.

-Look-- -Now, I Iive here.

I choose this Iife.

Not because I don't know no better, but because I beIieve it is better.

And I'm gonna fight anything or anybody that poIIutes the weII where I drink.

Saving this orphanage is just part of it.

-I didn't mean-- -And another thing.

If you think I'm doing aII this to make a pIay for you weII, wouId you grow up? Because beIieve it or not when I make a pIay on a Iady, I don't have to give her money.

AIthough, it does keep her hands busy.

How am I doing? Now, you waIk me to my car or the next money I coIIect you're gonna have to come and get it yourseIf.

-What are you doing, son? -Squirting fIies.

I hate kids.

-Where did you get that? -We got two of them, Sheriff.

I know you got two of them.

I can see that.

We wanted more but the other cIubs had taken them aII.

When you say others, you're taIking, Iike another cIub? -The Ladies Aid, the Hunting CIub, the-- -HoIy smoke.

AII the cIubs are going great.

You ain't gonna cause a fuss, are you, Rosco? I'd be very unpopuIar if you did.

No.

I'm gonna cause no fuss, Harvey.

But I'm the Sheriff.

I'm supposed to know these things.

-Now teII me, where did you get it? -The Duke boys, Bo and Luke.

Bo and Luke Duke? They get 30% and we get 70% -- Thirty! Heck, I onIy get.

Rosco, if you pick up some more sIots in a raid couId we have them? We need some new carpeting bad.

Is that her? Yeah.

That's her.

-Now, you swear? -Yeah.

Rosco, if you know them Duke boys got our machines why don't you throw them in jaiI? I wiII, son.

I wiII.

When I get enough evidence.

You? Since when? Since when eIections are coming up.

Get out.

-Hey, Sheriff.

-You're gonna have to come with me.

I'd Iove to.

But I've gotta get myseIf to work.

I'm gonna be Iate.

You don't understand.

I mean I'II have to arrest you.

-Oh, my Lord.

What for? -Hijacking.

That's what for.

Damn.

FoIIow that car! -You're kidding.

-Move! -Faster.

-I don't want to get no ticket.

From who, you jackass? Stop! Y'all hang on.

Put the window down.

Hey, again.

If you two don't take the prize.

Now, chasing around, risking your own probation and prison is your business.

-Now we didn't mean-- -But Daisy.

How many times have I said to you, ''Boys, Iook out for Daisy''? And how many times have you said to me, ''We wiII, UncIe Jesse.

'' And what do you do? You get her throwed in jaiI.

Now, just wait a minute.

It isn't aIways that way.

Daisy's the hope of the whoIe cIan.

-Thanks a Iot.

-The famiIy Iine ends with Daisy.

The chance of you two producing a famiIy rates right up there with hogs producing beef.

For 200 years the Duke famiIy had the whiskey craft.

The government took that away from us.

Then we had the Iand, and The Depression took that.

Now aII the Duke famiIy has Ieft is what it started with, and that's famiIy and Daisy is famiIy.

Now get her out.

So the next morning Luke decided to visit the shut-ins.

Escorting Luke to Daisy's cell was Deputy Enos Strate.

He and the boys grew up together.

Enos had a crush on Daisy.

And the reputation of being the oldest virgin in Hazzard County.

HoId it.

Now, Enos, you can teII me.

Any change? Hang in there.

-Hey, Daisy.

How are you doing? -Great.

I'm writing this whoIe new song about this enriching experience.

Boy! JaiI cooking reaIIy puts on the weight, don't it? Luke, I've onIy been here overnight.

And stuck in the sIammer today of aII days.

-It's her birthday, you know.

-It is? -Happy Birthday, Daisy.

-Why, thank you, Enos.

Jesse sent aIong this birthday fIower for your hair.

That's sweet.

I brought you these change of cIothes to cheer you up since you're stuck here in that waitress outfit.

Better check it out.

Make sure a shotgun ain't hidden there.

I better Iet y'aII visit.

No tricks now, okay.

-Bye, Daisy.

-Bye, Enos.

See you at supper.

Now, Iisten up.

Correct me if I'm wrong, Rosco but the onIy thing you've done to get back those sIot machines is arrest a woman in a bikini for hijacking a Ioad of fertiIizer.

-Right? -Right, Boss.

But that's exactIy what's gonna get those machines back.

You mean, you know where they are? The Duke boys have put them aII over, in aII the civic cIubs.

-The Hazzard CotiIIion, The Ladies Aid-- -Ladies Aid? Hot damn.

I wish those Duke boys were on my side.

You don't have to worry because I'm gonna hit them Duke boys where they Iive.

I've got Daisy, their cousin, in jaiI.

And they're gonna swap.

And then I'm gonna arrest them for possession of iIIegaI gambIing devices.

-Rosco.

-What? I got me three medaIs in two wars and the onIy time I get scared is when you get smug.

This feeIs kind of awkward.

The ground gives your back naturaI support and strengthens your arms.

This is the way beginners Iearn? On the ground? No.

But I finaIIy got you Iying down.

-Why'd you take up bow hunting? -I didn't have no choice.

Luke and me are on probation and can't own no g*ns.

So it's either use the bows or throw rocks.

-At what? -At game.

See, when we run Iow on food, we have to go hunting.

Jesse, he don't take kindIy to no government assistance.

He'd rather starve.

Are you going to the orphanage picnic on Saturday? WeII.

You have to come.

It's the money you and Luke coIIected that got us roIIing.

Saturday? Yeah.

That couId turn into a reaI barn burner.

Bo, may I ask you something seriousIy? Where is aII that money reaIIy coming from? It's so much, and it's aIways in quarters.

Look, the true source is a very prominent man who'd be reaI embarrassed if everybody knew.

-He's a phiIanthropist.

-He's been caIIed everything.

We stiII have a Iong way to go but if it hadn't been for him, we couIdn't even begin.

I'd Iove to thank him.

WeII, Iove me.

I'm the go-between.

-Bo.

-Yeah? Why do you aIways try to be funny? WeII, becauseyou scare me to death.

We might get compIicated.

-WouId it be easier if I said I was Ieaving? -Leaving? A job.

This was onIy temporary.

Damn.

Why didn't you teII me that? -Is it important? -Sure it is.

I don't know why but I aIways think that the worId ticks on my scheduIe and then.

-I reaIIy hate that you're Ieaving, JiII.

-Why? Maybe because you do scare me, and beIieve me, not many women do.

-How much time we got? -WeII.

Enough.

-HazeI? -Yeah, what do you want? I'm sorry to be such a bother, but I have to go to the IittIe girIs' room.

Again? I got other things to do, you know.

You're an angeI.

-I hate to be such a bother.

-You're a reaI pain, sweetheart.

I'II just be a minute.

HazeI, honey, I know I'm a pest, but that Iight's not working.

Wake up, birthday girI.

Sheriff, I got bad news.

-Quiet.

I'm having my Iunch.

-Daisy's gone.

-What did you just say? -Daisy's gone.

Don't stand there.

Go get her.

You, too.

-Get a roadbIock.

-It wasn't my fauIt.

You couIdn't keep a canary in a cage.

Sheriff, there she is.

Right here.

Judas Priest on a pony! She's got my car again.

Come back, Daisy! Good God, Daisy! Bet you all ain't never seen a jailbreak like this.

-That boy's fast.

-And he drives good, too.

Hey, feIIa.

You ever considered a career in Iaw enforcement? Look, Enos, we're wiIIing to forget what happened.

It ain't your fauIt you're on the wrong side.

Wrong side.

Me? You know Sheriff Rosco brought in them sIot machines and that was wrong.

Yeah, I know.

I don't sIeep good at night knowing it.

But it's just as wrong for you to steaI them and make money.

Enos, your daddy ran moonshine.

So did ours.

Did you ever know us to mess with gambIing? -Then why'd y'aII do it? -You'd never guess.

We did it for the Sheriff.

-You're right.

I'd never guess.

-You see, it's a Iong story.

It aII started about four years ago.

And whiIe you're Ietting those prisoners escape oId Ledbetter there is kissing those babies and winning those votes.

Don't you worry about it, 'cause I'II teII you something.

I'm gonna naiI Bo and Luke Duke.

NaiI them.

Rosco, before you start buiIding any crosses just remember those boys are very popuIar around here.

You better be sure you have the evidence.

There'II be no raiIroading in my county this cIose to eIections.

I happen to know that those boys are bringing in two broken sIot machines and I know where and I know when.

-You do? -Yeah.

-How good is your information? -It's good.

In fact, it's my deputy.

They made a fooI out of him.

Boy, he's anxious to get even.

-Sitting ducks.

AII set.

-That's a roger.

-Coming at you, Sheriff.

-They're aII mine.

-They're headed for town.

-I'II come in the other side.

-Hey, did you see that? -See what? The bait shop.

Having a saIe on worms and crickets.

WeII, if he don't seII them now, he's gonna have to feed them aII winter.

-They're right in front of you, Sheriff.

-Now we got them.

Hang on, cousin.

I got them.

I got you.

This time I've got you.

You have been gotten.

Read them their rights.

''WeIcome, Sheriff Rosco''? How can we ever thank you for aII that you've done! Hey, kids, now don't be.

I know we promised not to teII, but she drug it out of us.

Besides, we figured peopIe had a right to know who saved the orphanage.

You wait tiII Boss Hogg finds out it was you.

Oh, Rosco, you oId softy.

We knew you'd be too modest to show up to the ceIebration, so we tricked you.

Enos here heIped.

I had you aII wrong about the sIot machines.

I'm mighty proud to serve under a man Iike you.

Okay, Enos.

Well, the word got out and old Rosco was reelected.

Which meant the Dukes could still fight an enemy they knew.

Jill decided to hang around an extra week.

Old Boss was really burned at Rosco for taking all the credit for saving the orphanage.

After all, they were his slot machines.

So that's the legend of how Sheriff Rosco helped save the orphanage and made gambling respectable in Hazzard County.

Of coursehe had a little help.