07x05 - Rhino of the Year/One Last Time/For Love or Money

[bunniefuu]

[Theme - "love boat"]

Theme song: Love, exciting
and new, come aboard.

We're expecting you.

And love, life's sweetest
reward, let it flow.

It floats back to you.

The love boat, soon we'll
be making another run.

The love boat promises
something for every one.

Set a course for adventure,
your mind on a new romance.

And love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile
on a friendly shore.

It's love.

Welcome aboard, it's love.

[Music playing]

Excuse me, do
you have the time?

Ah, yes, I do.

It's, uh, minutes to : .

You waiting for someone?

Yes.

I was hoping my watch
was fast, but it's

my date that's slow, as usual.

Well, you have plenty
of time before we sail.

I don't think you have
anything to worry about.

If you knew who I was sailing
with, you wouldn't say that.

Oh, hi, Barry.

I'm sorry I'm late,
but that darned taxi--

caught fire, had a flat,
got stuck in traffic.

The last.

Let's not fight, ok?

Who's fighting?

It never changes.

We've been apart four
months, and I haven't fought

with a soul in four months.

Maybe it's because
you didn't call.

Toni, I wanted to call,
but I was afraid to.

I didn't want to fight with you.

This has been painful.

I didn't want to
make it more painful.

Then why did you call?

I mean, whatever
possessed you to invite me

on a trip like this with you?

What possessed you to accept?

It was a mistake.

I'm getting off, Barry.

Toni, wait.

Hey.

I'm getting married.

Married?

I thought we'd
take one last trip

to quietly talk over anything
we had to say to one another.

I think you've just said it.

We've had
years of marriage,

and there have been
some good times.

But before the divorce is final,
and we start to, you know,

forget, you know, there are
things that we should say

to one another, should settle.

Oh, boy.

Married.

One last time together.

Our marriage started on
a good note, remember?

Let's make it end on one.

Well, I certainly hope you
have booked us separate cabins,

because there are limits.

I have booked us
separate cabins.

Enjoy your cruise.

Bye-bye.

[Shouting]

[Whistling]

Who are these strange people?

Oh, gopher, we've
been expecting them.

They're the royal
order of rhinos.

And they're not strange.

No?

Well, what would you
call a bunch of grown man

who run around in funny hats?

A happy-go-lucky
bunch of conventioneers

out to have a good time.

[Cheering]

[Buzz]

Ow!

What kind of men are they?

Just a bunch of
happy-go-lucky conventioneers

out to have a good time.

I'm telling you,
Wally, this cruise

could be just the thing to get
the old fires burning again.

There's no use, Russ.

The old pilot light is out.

Oh, will you stop
talking like that?

Impotence is almost always--

sh.

(Whispering)
--Always temporary.

You'll get over it.

I've tried everything.

I've eaten so many oysters
that every time I yawn,

I check for pearls.

Your problem isn't
what you're eating.

It's what's eating you.

Have you thought about going
back to that psychiatrist?

No, are you kidding?

He charged me bucks, and the
only worthwhile thing he ever

said to me was, your hour's up.

I should've sent
the bill to Alice.

She deserves it.

Boy, she was crazy to leave
you for that truck driver.

Yeah, I mean, who'd
want an Adonis like that

when she could have a--

a wimp like me.

Listen to me, Wally,
you're a good-looking

guy who's got everything
in the world going for him.

You've gotta forget Alice!

There are plenty
other fish in the sea.

[Music playing]

Here comes a pretty
sexy salmon right now.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Sally thorner.

I wonder if you could
tell me the best

way to get to aloha .

Well, the best way would be
to have our handsome ship's

doctor personally escort you.

Well, what's the
second best way?

Through those doors
and to the left.

Thanks.

Mm-hm.

Excuse me.

Could you tell us that
young lady's name?

We're interested in mingling.

Nice mingle material.

Her name's Sally thorner.

Thanks.

You know something, Wally?

I think she's just the right one
to get you to feel like you're

back in the ballgame.

Sure.

No, I'll say hello, and then
send in the pinch hitter.

[Buzz]

[Screams]

When I first heard about
rhinos coming aboard,

I was worried they
were real ones.

I'm not sure if we
wouldn't be better off.

Oh, captain stubing.

Yes.

I'm Marv Mason, highest and
most exalted of all rhinos,

the head man.

Well, welcome
aboard, Mr. Mason.

This is my daughter Vicki.
- Vicki, how are you?

How do you do?

Pleasure.

Do your members
always act this way?

Oh, no, captain.

They've been-- they've
been cautioned to be

on their best behavior.

They're wonderful
fellas, all of them.

Merrill stubing: I'm sure.

However, there are certain ship
board rules of conduct that

must be observed at all times.

Oh, have no fear, captain.

The rhinos are a
responsible organization.

We're not as well known
as some of the others,

but we're heavily involved in
many charities-- hospitals,

schools, daycare centers.

All very worthy causes.

Marv Mason: Oh, yes.

And not only that, each year, we
choose a private citizen whose

character and whose work
exemplifies the high standards

of the rhinos.

Matter of fact, that's
why I'm on this cruise.

I'm afraid I don't follow you.

Captain stubing, it
is my great pleasure

to inform you that
you have been chosen

the honorary rhino of the year.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

[Horn blowing]

[Music playing]

Mm, thank you very much.

Thank you.

Hey, wall, look.

Oh.

Well, why don't you
go over and talk to her?

No, no, no, no, I can't.

I-- I just get so awkward
around women these days.

I don't know.

It's-- I'd only embarrass
myself, all right?

Don't let it be
said that I didn't

give you the first crack.

Let an old pro show
you how it's done.

Excuse me, but aren't
you Sally thorner?

Why yes.

Have we met before?

No, I make it my
business to find

out the name of
the prettiest lady

within the three-mile limit.

Well, how nice.

I hope you also make it
your business to introduce

your good-looking friend.

Sure.

This is Wally denton, and i'm--

mm, nice to meet you, Wally.

Hi.

I'm Russ Butler.

Oh.

Well, I guess you two want
to be left alone, all right,

so I'll be on my way.

Oh, no, Wally, don't go.

I was hoping to get
to know you better.

Uh, well, believe
me, ignorance is bliss.

Besides, there's an afternoon
movie I want to see,

and I really think
it's about time--

Sally thorner: Ah!

Oh, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no, don't, it's fine.

I'm really sorry.

It's fine.

It's just ok.

I like a man who-- who
leaves an impression.

I'll see you later.

Woman: (On pa) Ladies and
gentleman, don't forget,

jackpot bingo starting in
minutes in the acapulco lounge.

Come try your luck.

Mm.

Well, you've got the floor.

Oh, no, not now.

It's such a beautiful day.

Let's enjoy it.

You're gonna get burned.

Here.

You know I hate that junk.

Well, at least put some
sunblock on your nose.

It always gets so red.

You know I can't stand
the smell of the stuff.

Don't put it on.

Ok!

You're a baby.

You know, you'll
always be a baby.

Look at your neck.

Every morning of your
life, you wake up

and cut yourself
shaving and then

bleed all over your collar.

I like the sight of my blood.

It reminds me that i'm
still alive when you haven't

made love to me for two weeks.

Then you stand cursing
yourself in the mirror,

calling yourself every kind of
idiot, morning after morning.

Two weeks, my foot.

You listened.

years of marriage, I
never knew you listened.

I'm sorry, what
we were saying?

Ah.

[Music playing]

Oh!

They're making
the captain what?

Honorary rhino of the year.

If they did that
to me, I'd sue.

Mr. Mason, I'm puzzled
as to why your organization

would choose to honor me.

I'm a sea captain,
not a celebrity.

Oh, yes, but we look for the
unsung hero, the person whose

good work and high character
and charitable acts

often go unnoticed.

We believe that you
are this type of man.

Well, I'm flattered.

I'll do whatever I can to
live up to your expectations.

We're not worried one bit.

We're gonna have to be
on our guard, you guys.

There's no telling what these
rhinos will try to pull.

Oh, with their cattle
prods, exploding cigars,

itching powder, we can
expect almost anything.

Ah, come on.

These guys can't be that bad.

Uh-oh.

Hm?

[Music playing]

[Screams] Ah!

Playing with water
balloons, Mr. Smith?

[Knocking]

Come in.

Hi.

Hi.

I just came by to
apologize for my friend.

Oh, that's ok.

A little ice cream
never hurt anyone.

Tell it to Wally.

He's so upset, he locked
himself in his room.

He's really down
on himself, isn't he?

Precisely why I hired you.

I figured the only thing
that could possibly help

would be a sex surrogate.

I know.

But I hate being so
secretive about it.

We're supposed to be completely
open with our patients.

Sally, the man's ego is shot.

He needs to feel confident
and attractive again.

Does it really make that much
of a difference if he doesn't

know you're a professional?

Mm, you've got a point.

But getting Wally over
his inferiority complex

is going to take time.

Well, you've got until
the end of the cruise.

Think you can do it?

I'll try.

It would help if the captain
could take the polar route.

[Music playing]

Mm.

Thank you.

Oh, from an admirer.

Oh, it's just like
on our first date.

Oh, you were so
beautiful that night.

Fortunately, some
things never change.

You rat.

Married.

Well, at least aren't you
going to tell me about her?

Her, you mean the
woman I'm marrying?

Well, she's, uh,
attractive, charming,

sensitive, intelligent.

I'm sure you'd like her.

I'm sure you're wrong.

Uh-uh, that's not funny.

I'm really glad you
could join us, Sally.

Well, how could I
pass up an invitation

from two such charming escorts?

You mean one charming
escort and one total clod.

Everything I do nowadays
always goes wrong.

You're too hard
on yourself, Wally.

Instead of thinking about
the bad things in your life,

try concentrating
on the good things.

Well, right now, the
only good thing in my life

is this vichyssoise, and
it's really delicious.

May I have a taste?

Sure.

Wally.

I'm sorry, all right?

Try and forgive me, all right?

All right, I'll--

I'll forgive you
on one condition.

What's that?

That you take
me dancing later.

Oh, I was gonna ask you
to go dancing with me.

Sally thorner: You're
very sweet, Russ,

but Wally's more my type.

What are you, some
kind of masochist?

No, just a woman who
enjoys your company.

Hey, Russ.

Yeah, Wally.

If I'm dreaming,
do me a favor.

Unplug my alarm clock.

Captain, I had to tell
everyone about your award.

It was just too monumental
for me to keep to myself.

Mm-hm.

I know how you feel.

I can't wait to tell everyone
that I know that my father's

the rhino of the year.

On the other hand,
maybe I can wait.

Adam bricker: Vicki,
I'm surprised at you.

This puts your
father right up there

with immortals like the
grand marshal of the altoona

arbor day parade.

Ok, all right, just a minute.

Let them laugh, sir.

Let them laugh,
but they obviously

do not understand the grave
responsibility you now

have of being the idol
of every man in america,

who owns a whoopee cushion.

Well, your concern
touches me deeply.

So I'm sure that
one of you will be

happy to say a few
words on my behalf

at the award ceremony
tomorrow night.

You want one of us to speak?

Merrill stubing: Oh, it
was Mr. Mason's suggestion.

He didn't think any of his
group knew me well enough

to praise me sufficiently.

Well, I wouldn't--

I wouldn't mind.

I'd be happy to.

Why don't you just settle this
all amongst yourselves later?

I'm sorry I'm late.

Some important business came up.

Yeah, he had to reload
the exploding cigars.

No, we took care of
that before we boarded.

Good thinking.

Marv Mason: Mr. Smith, I know we
sometimes behave like overgrown

kids, but don't
you think everyone

should be able to take a joke?

Here's to a sense of humor.

Here, here.

Here, here.

[Laughter]

[Music playing]

Oh, no one dances
just like you.

Oh, you've been dancing
with a lot of people?

Well, I have been dating.

Aha.

Anyone in particular?

Well, there is someone who's
a little more particular.

His name is Henry.

Henry?

Mm.

Henry, uh-huh.

And how does he dance?

Oh, he's a very good dancer.

Not as good as you,
of course, but--

you know all my moves.

[Laughs] Not only
on the dance floor.

Sally, I don't get it, why
a beautiful woman like you

would want to dance
with a klutz like me.

Well, why do you think?

Because I like you.

You're bright,
sensitive, virile.

[Scoffs] You ought
to check my biceps.

I'm about as virile
as a-- as a linguine.

Virility has nothing
to do with muscles.

True virility is having the
courage to show vulnerability.

You really think so?

Of course I do.

[Applause]

[Music playing]

I'll be right back.

Going to powder my nose.

Hi, Wally.

Hi.

You and Sally seem
to be quite an item.

Yeah.

It won't last long.

I'm, uh-- I'm only
gonna disappoint her.

Well, why is that?

You're a doctor, right?

Well, the fact of
the matter is, uh--

[coughs]

I'm (mumbling) Impotent.

What?

I'm, uh--

I'm impotent.

Speak up.

I can't hear you.

[Music stops]

I'm impotent!

[Music playing]

We have always been able
to have a good time together.

[Laughs] No argument there.

Oh, it's been such
a long time, Toni.

It's gonna be an
even longer time.

Just one kiss for
old times sake, huh?

Mm.

Mm.

Ooh, your aftershave lotion
always has gotten me sexy.

Let's make love.

What about your fiance?

Oh, she's grown up.

She'll understand.

One last time.

Oh, your cabin or mine?

Mm, either cabin is ours
as long as we're in it.

Crew: [All talking at once]

[Clears throat] It certainly
seems lively in here.

Well, sir, we were just
trying to decide which one of us

is going to speak at your
award ceremony tomorrow.

We all want to.

Well, I'm flattered.

But why don't you
just take a vote?

We have.

Ended in a five-way tie.

Merrill, you'd better
make the selection.

All right.

Ah, hm.

[Music playing]

Isaac.

Really?

Just kidding, sir.

It would be a privilege.

[Music playing]

Mm.

Sally this has been such a--

a wonderful night.

I just wish it didn't
have to end yet.

It doesn't, if we go back
to my cabin for a nightcap,

that is.

Oh.

[Clears throat] No, no, no.

I-- see, I promised
myself that I would read,

uh, "w*r and peace" tonight.

I'm sorry.

I-- I guess I'm being a
little too aggressive.

No.

Well, it's just my
way of telling you

how attractive I think you are.

Really?

Oh, yes.

You think I'm attractive?

Mm, very.

You know what else
I like about you?

You're a gentleman.

These days, it seems that
everybody expects you to--

well, what I mean is,
after an evening like this,

that you're required
to make love.

And what do you expect?

Oh, I've never been one
for command performances.

[Music playing]

Well, I think it's--

it's nice if two people
can just cuddle up together

and maybe share a kiss.

Then we could stop right
there if we wanted to.

Yeah, if we wanted to.

Toni Cooper: Where
are you going?

Barry Cooper: You
just said I should go.

You don't want me to go?

I don't know what I want.

Darn you.

I was just beginning
to believe I

was falling in love with a guy.

And now you're not so sure?

Don't you feel even
the slightest bit guilty?

I don't know what I feel.

I only know that i--

well, I wanted to
find out if things

were still the same between us.

Aha.

So it was a test.

You know, I think
that's just what

went wrong with our marriage.

You were always testing me.

See if she'll get
somewhere on time.

If not, I fail.

When I want to put sun
lotion on you, I fail again.

For years, I gave
you everything I had.

And as far as I'm concerned,
I passed the test.

[Phone ringing]

You're the one who failed.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Henry.

No, you didn't wake me up.

I was, uh, reading.

What?

Uncomfortable?

No, no, what makes you say that?

[Music playing]

No, there's no one else here.

I'm all by myself.

[Music playing]

[Laughter]

Man: Captain!

Captain, oh.

You look terrific.
I love it.

I love it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'll catch up with you later.

Mr. Mason.

Captain, how are you?

Oh, look, did you choose anyone
from the crew to speak yet?

Yes, Isaac.

I don't remember meeting him.

He's our chief barman,
Isaac Washington.

The, um-- the black
fella with the mustache?

Yes, that's him all right.

He's a very special
person, bright and witty.

I know your members
will enjoy him.

Hey, Marv, you coming or what?

In a minute.

Uh, captain stubing, uh, i'm
afraid I'm gonna have to ask

you to choose someone else.

He, um-- he wouldn't fit in.

[Music playing]

He wouldn't fit in?

Rhino: Marv, let's go!

Look, captain, we're an
old fashioned organization.

We have certain rules.

Why don't you choose
someone else, anybody, ok?

Ok, rhinos, here I come.

[Music playing]

[Knocking]

Hi.

Hello.

Sorry about last night.

I mean, I'm sorry
I just walked out.

I'm sorry, too.

I failed your test, didn't I?

I went to bed with you even
though you're getting married,

but I failed your
test after all.

You said it
before, I'm a baby.

So now, let me be a man and
invite you to breakfast.

Just give me a
minute to fix my face.

You look fine.

You always have.

[Music playing]

Isaac Washington:
Ok, I'm finished,

but I need an opening
joke for the captain's

award speech tonight.

So help me, come on.

Why don't you just
hit yourself in the face

with a pie.
The rhinos would love that.

That's right.

Their sense of humor does
tend to be a bit juvenile.

As a juvenile, I resent that.

- Morning, folks.
- Morning.

Morning.

Could you tell a
herd of hungry rhinos

where we can get some
chow around here?

Breakfast is served
on the starlight deck,

and it's through those
doors to your right.

Pete, I hope you
brought the rubber eggs.

Ha ha, he's kidding.

It's the eggs are plastic.

It's the bacon that's rubber.

Come on.

Go for a laugh and the
whole world laughs with you.

Boy, with practical
jokers like these guys,

you got to be on your
toes every second.

Well, looks like they
caught you flatfooted.

Cute.

Isaac Washington: Nice.

Good morning.

Oh, good morning, sir.

I'm glad you're here.

I have a few questions about
the seating arrangement

for the award ceremony tonight.

Oh, well, I'm not sure there's
gonna be any award ceremony.

- Why not?
- What?

Julie McCoy: Why not, yeah?

Merrill stubing:
Well, I just don't

think I'd feel right
accepting an award

from a group like the rhinos.

Aw, come on, captain.

They don't mean any
harm, just a bunch

of guys out for a little fun.

Well, they just don't seem
to be my kind of people.

Isaac Washington: Sir, aren't
you being a little unfair?

I mean, look at all
the great charity

work they do and all those
daycare centers they built.

Doesn't that say
something for them?

Yes, Isaac.

It just doesn't say enough.

[Music playing]

Beautiful morning, huh, Russ?

Well, if isn't the
great Houdini, the man who

vanishes from the
dance floor and doesn't

reappear till breakfast.

Well, actually,
Sally is the magician.

I mean, she just
took all my troubles

and made them vanish
into thin air.

Really, all your troubles?

(Laughing) Hey,
way to go, Wally.

Actually, you know, I, uh--

I just left her in the cabin,
and I just miss her already.

You know, she is so beautiful
when she's sleeping.

I just didn't have
the heart to wake her.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Well, now's your chance to
meet some other lovely ladies.

Well, no.

As far as I'm concerned,
there are no other ladies.

What are talking about, Wally?

Now that you're cured, there's
a whole world of beautiful women

out there for you to explore.

Well, the only exploring i'm
gonna do is in the gift shop.

I'm gonna go buy Sally the--

the perfect present.

Wally, don't you think you're
getting a little carried away?

You've only known her one day.

It happens to be the
one day I fell in love.

See you later.

Wha--

[sighs]

Well, don't you want
to know about him?

Henry.

The guy on the phone?

Oh no, forgot it.

You don't have to
tell me about him.

He's a real estate broker.

I met him when I was thinking
of selling the house,

after you walked out.

Toni, you don't have to put
yourself through all this.

Forget it.

I was lonely,
depressed and lonely.

I didn't care what
happened to me.

I felt like I had failed, and
I couldn't figure out why.

[Sighs] So I started seeing
Henry, and it helped.

He was there when I needed him.

I think I fell in
love with that.

But is he what you want?

We don't fight.

Is he what you want?

He accepts what
I have to give.

He doesn't test me.

Just answer me.

What I want doesn't
seem to matter.

What I want seems too
late for me to have.

What I don't want is pain.

I have had pain.

Pain is no damn fun.

Thanks for breakfast.

[Music playing]

Oh, hi, Isaac.

Hi.

Isn't the captain around?

Oh, he's up on the
bridge steering the ship.

It's a habit we can't
seem to break him of.

Well, I got this message
he wanted to see me.

He said it was important.

Oh, don't worry.

You should be able to
reach him after we dock.

Hm.

Well, I'm going into town with
some of the guys for a while.

Oh, it was probably about
the introductory speech

for tonight.

Ah.

Oh, by the way, no hard
feelings about us bumping you

out of the ceremony, are there?

Uh, oh, no, no,
no hard feelings.

Well, you know, Isaac, I have
nothing against you personally.

I know you'll understand.

[Music playing]

Yeah, I understand.

[Music playing]

Woman: (On pa) Buenos
dias, and welcome

to puerto vallarta,
where the temperature

is a glorious degrees.

Perfect weather
for a perfect day

of swimming,
parasailing, or just

browsing through the many
charming shops in town.

However you plan
to spend your day,

we guarantee you a
[Speaking Spanish]

- [Sighs]
- Hi, Russ.

You wanted to see me?

Well, I've heard of
overnight successes,

but you are a miracle worker.

[Scoffs] Well, I don't think
it ranks with the parting

of the red sea, but thank you.

Well, there may
be one problem.

You may have done
too good a job.

What do you mean?

Wally told me he's
in love with you.

He did?

[Laughs] Yeah, crazy, huh?

Next time you send one of your
patients to seventh heaven,

you better try a
no-frills flight.

Here you go, $ .

Thanks for bringing
Wally back to life.

He paid you to be with me?

Wally, i--

forget it, Sally.

You've done your job.

You don't have to work overtime.

[Music playing]

[Knocking]

Come in.

Uh, captain, can I
talk to you for a minute?

Of course, Isaac, come on in.

I know why you're thinking
of canceling the awards

ceremony this evening.

I ran into Marv Mason, and
he kind of let it slip.

I'm sorry.

Sit down.

I, uh, didn't mean for
you to find out, Isaac.

Oh, please, sir,
let me finish.

I want you to
accept the award.

You want me to
accept the award?

Why?

Well, because you deserve it.

And I don't want your loyalty
to me to deprive you of an honor

that you've earned.

Isaac, I can't
in good conscience

accept an award from
a group of racists.

Sir, I've dealt with
people like that before,

and I found that racism
comes from ignorance.

But I've been thinking
about this a lot.

It's kind of a dilemma, because
they have done some good work

and that should
not be dismissed.

That's what the
award is all about,

doing good work for people.

And they want to recognize you
for the good work you've done.

Oh, I don't know, Isaac.

Sir, I appreciate
how you feel.

And believe me, I
love you for it.

But I want you to
accept the award.

Please.

[Music playing]

Do it?

All right, Isaac, if
that's what you want.

Good.

And as far your
introductory speech

goes, I'm sure you can get
gopher or doc to replace me.

They might be able to
give your speech, Isaac,

but no one can replace you.

Thank you, sir.

[Music playing]

Wally, I have to talk to you.

I don't know why.

You see, I didn't
know that you were--

well, how should
I put it, a, uh--

a lady of the evening.

A lady of the evening?

Is that what you think I am?

I am a professional
sex surrogate.

A what?

A sex surrogate.

I help people with sexual
problems overcome them.

Just because you put a
fancy title on it, you know,

it doesn't change anything.

I'm still just another
paycheck to you, aren't I?

No, that's not so.

I have very strong
feelings for you.

How can I believe that?

You haven't been truthful
with me on this whole trip!

Well, I'm being truthful now.

And Wally, last night
was magic for me.

It was magic for me, too.

I just didn't know
that I was the trick.

[Music playing]

Oh, hi.

Hi.

You're just in time
to join the celebration.

Ah, what are we celebrating?

I've just talked with Henry.

He's asked me to marry him.

And what did you say?

I said I would think about it.

And?

And I told him I loved him.

You lied?

Did I?

[Music playing]

Woman: (On pa)
Ladies and gentlemen,

we hoped you enjoyed
your stay in port.

As we head home, don't forget
you're all invited to join us

at o'clock in the acapulco
lounge, where our very

own captain stubing
will be honored

by the royal order of rhinos
as their man of the year.

See you there.

Wally, I'm sorry
about what happened,

but there's something I
think you should know.

Sally gave me back my check.

She did?

Yeah, she said she didn't
feel right accepting the money.

I wonder why.

If you had a brain,
you'd figured it out.

She doesn't care
about the money.

All she cares about is you.

[Music playing]

Really?

Yeah, and if I were you,
I wouldn't want to blow it.

[Sighs] Thanks.

I'm afraid I already did.

[Music playing]

[Applause]

Ladies and gentlemen,
brother rhinos.

[Cheering]

As you know, we're
gathered here tonight

to pay tribute to a man
whose exemplary citizenship

upholds the policy
of our organization's

charity and goodwill.

But before we meet
our honored guests,

I think you'd like to hear
a little more about him

from one of his loyal
crew, Dr. Adam bricker.

Dr. Bricker.

[Cheering]

[Music playing]

Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm very proud to be

introducing the recipient
of this award tonight.

I think I speak for all our
crew when I say we couldn't work

for a kinder, more humane man.

I couldn't begin to list
his many charitable acts.

But I know to the kids in
the acapulco orphanage,

he's the real Santa claus,
because he consistently

goes out of his
way to help those

less fortunate than himself.

There is no one who deserves
this honor more than

our captain, merrill stubing.

[Music playing]

Captain stubing,
it is my great honor

to present you with
this plaque, making you

our honorary rhino of the year.

[Cheering]

Man: Who's driving
the ship, huh?

Thank you.

A moment ago, Dr. Bricker gave
me some wonderful compliments.

He even said that,
uh, he couldn't

work for a more humane man.

Now, I don't know
how humane I am.

But I know I wouldn't
consider myself humane

if I accepted this award.

[Crowd murmuring]

Because ladies and gentlemen,
one of my closest and dearest

friends, Mr. Isaac
Washington, is not

allowed membership
in the organization

that's giving me this award.

[Music playing]

You know, up to
this very moment,

I expected to accept
this, because Isaac

urged me to, saying the
rhinos do some good works.

That's just an
example of Isaac being

a lot better than some
people who consider

themselves his betters.

And so Mr. Mason, I have to
refuse being named honorary

rhino of the year, since
the year in question

seems to be the year
of the dinosaur.

[Music playing]

[Whistling] We have to
stop meeting like this.

We will.

Barry, what do you want?

I want you to
come to my wedding.

Your gall knows no bounds.

No, honey, just a second.

At least look at the
invitation, will you?

I don't want to read
your wedding invitation.

Please, look at it.

[Music playing]

Toni Cooper: Mr. Barry Cooper,
having come to his senses,

wishes to have the presence of
Mrs. Toni Cooper at the wedding

of himself to her?

Where did you get this?

I've had it for weeks.

Well, what about the other
woman you were gonna marry?

There isn't any
other woman, Toni.

You and I have been
apart for four months,

and every day I say, why?

I love you.

And you can't say you
don't love me, too.

You can't argue with that.

No, I can't.

Toni, we can't
rub out the past,

but we can start a
great new future.

Just like that?

Let's give it a shot.

What do you say?

I say you're crazy.

Maybe I'm just as crazy,
'cause I sure want to try.

Oh, Toni.

Mm.

Ok, Mr. Stevens,
come on inside.

I know just how to cure you.

All right, you,
get outta here!

Wally, what do you
think you're doing?

I will not stand by and let
you have sex with this man!

Sex?

I was just helping Mr.
Stevens get rid of his hiccups.

Hiccups?

Yeah, but you just
scared them out of me,

pal, so if you'll excuse me.

I'm, uh--

I'm sorry, Sally.

I just got so jealous
when I thought he was

another one of your clients.

Patients.

You don't have to worry
about it much longer.

I'm thinking of retiring.

You are?

Why?

Because a good sex surrogate
doesn't get personally

involved with her patients.

You've got to be really terrible
to fall in love with one.

And, um, which kind are you?

The worst, I'm afraid.

(Whispering) Oh, Sally.

[Sighs] That's wonderful.

Do you mean it?

With all my heart.

I love you, Wally.

I love you, too.

[Music playing]

[Knocking]

Sir.

Isaac.

I'd like to thank you
for what you did tonight.

It meant a lot to me.

Reason I did it, Isaac,
because you mean a lot to me.

Captain stubing, may I
have a word with you, please?

Merrill stubing: Certainly.

But first I want
you to know that I

have no regrets or apologies
for what I did tonight.

Well, you may not,
captain, but I do have.

As I told you, ours is a
pretty old organization,

and that has its merits.

But maybe it's time we rhinos
revised our thinking a bit,

if we don't want
to become extinct.

[Music playing]

So long, you two.

I hope you had a good cruise.

You bet.

Oh, we sure did, gopher.

So much so that, when
our divorce is final,

we're gonna get married again.

Gonna get married again?

Why don't you just
stop the divorce?

No, no, this gives us an
excuse to act like newlyweds.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Russ, I think you should be
the first to know that Sally

and I are getting married.

Oh, that's great.

- Congratulations, you two.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

Don't you think you should
have told her before me?

And, uh, there is
another announcement.

Sally is making a slight
change in her career.

You're quitting?

Sally thorner: No, just
going into private practice.

Goodbye.

Bye-bye.

[Whistling]

Captain my fellow rhinos and I
would like to thank you for not

accepting our award last night.

You want to thank me?

Marv Mason: Yes, captain.

Because of your
turning us down, we

met later and added
the following clause

to our bylaws--

without regard to
race, color, or creed.

Well, because i'm
at least one of those,

I'd like to congratulate
you on the change.

[Laughter]

[Music playing]