06x20 - The Zinging Valentine/The Very Temporary Secretary/Final Score

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something
for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard,
it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

Attention, please.

Our Valentine cruise
is now ready for boarding.

Well, dad, how do you like
the decorations?

Beautiful. You and Julie
have done a wonderful job.

Yeah, it's either
the Valentine cruise

or a meeting
of the heart association.

Well, Julie,
everything looks top-notch.

Thank you, sir.

I love Valentine's day.

There's only one problem.

What's that?

-I don't have a Valentine.
-Ah, don't look at me.

I never go out with people
I work with.

Vicki, I think your father

wants you
to be his Valentine.

Oh, gee, dad,
can I let you know?

I'm still waiting
to hear from Harrison Ford.

Hmm.

Oh, what the heck?

Harrison can wait
till next year.

That's my kid.

-Hey, goph.
-Hmm.

I got a great idea
for a Valentine.

Oh, Isaac, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Do you know who is sailing
with us on this cruise?

No, who?

Look at this.
Duke Taylor.

-Duke Taylor.
-Yeah.

He's my favorite football player
of all time.

Mine too.

You know that,
when I played high school ball,

they used to say
that I threw just like Taylor?

Yeah?
Elizabeth Taylor.

Oh, Isaac.

It sure is.

Duke Taylor.

-How you doing?
-Mr. Taylor, okay.

What an honor to have
you sailing with us.

Man: Hey, look.
It's Duke Taylor.

-I can't believe it.
-Mr. Taylor...

-You know, I've...
-Uh, uh,

an autograph...
-I'd be pleased to.

Isaac: I used to know
your super bowl teams.

-Yeah?
-Every one of 'em.

-There you go.
-Excuse me.

Isaac:
I always bet on you.

Excuse me, sir?

Oh, ma'am, sorry.

Ah, yes, could you
please tell me

where I could find, uh,
fiesta deck ?

My name is Kate Langley.

Yes, uh, Ms. Langley.
Go right down here.

You turn right.
Okay?

Thank you very much.

Uh, who's
the big attraction?

That's Duke Taylor,
big football star.

Played
in four super bowls.

Four? Hmm.

I didn't know football players
could count that high.

Listen. I want to make
a dinner reservation.

Sir, could I ask you if I...

Pardon me, uh, pretty lady,
I didn't mean to bust in.

Oh, that's quite
all right, Duke.

You know who I am, huh?

Well, in that case, maybe
we can have dinner tonight.

I'm afraid not.

You see, I have a rule.

I never go out to dinner
with a man

who's played
in less than five super bowls.

How about that?

Sacked before I could even
get off a pass.

Hello.
Welcome aboard.

Hi.
Keith Kelly.

Oh, welcome aboard,
Mr. Kelly.

Has Cindy Johnson
boarded yet?

I'll check.

No, not yet, but I'm sure
she'll show up soon.

Of course.

Wouldn't you show up
if you knew I was waiting?

Of course.

She better show up soon.

With all these
pretty girls around,

she just might end up
without a Valentine.

You -- you're a little late
for the Halloween cruise.

-Excuse me. I've got...
-Or did you lose a bet?

Listen, hot shot.

Some of us have to work
for a living.

I'm from musical messages,

and I'm looking
for a Keith Kelly.

Oh, why,
you've found him.

You?
You're Keith Kelly?

You want to see
my birth certificate?

Have I got a song for you.

♪ Wait till the ship
sails Kelly ♪

♪ and you find out
you're alone ♪

♪ big thought
to tell you, Kelly ♪

♪ you should
have phoned me, baby ♪

♪ you should have phoned
when you get back to L.A. ♪

♪ Don't bother to call ♪

♪ I'll be on a different cruise
with Charlie Holmes ♪

And it's signed,
"happy Valentine's day.

Love, Cindy."

Any reply?

Some people don't care
how they make a living.

Oh!

Well, I don't
send the messages.

I just deliver them.

Ah, excuse me.

I'm looking for a passenger
named Liz merritt.

She's the editor
of "new love magazine."

Oh, yes.

She just checked in
a few minutes ago.

Are you traveling
with her?

No, I own the employment agency
that was supposed

to find a temporary secretary
for Ms. Merritt.

Unfortunately,
I only had one available,

and she eloped last night.

Maybe she read the magazine.

Uh, if you'd like to give
Ms. Merritt the bad news,

she's right over there.

Well, here goes nothing.

Ms. Merritt?
-Yes.

I'm Sam Corey
from the employment agency.

Oh, well --
well, I'm sorry.

It's just that I wasn't
expecting a male secretary.

Yes, well, the fact of
the matter is, Ms. Merritt...

But I am not a sexist.

Good. You see,
Ms. Merritt, what I...

As long as you're efficient,
that's all I require.

Ah, yes, well, Ms. Merritt,
you see...

You see, I'm doing a piece
on the Valentine cruise

for my magazine...
-Yeah.

And it must be finished
the moment we get back.

Yes, the moment we get back.
Well, you see, Ms. Merritt...

-Now, it's a lot of hard work...
-Hard work.

Mostly typing
and dictation...

Ah, typing and dictation.
Yes.

Do it well, and I'm sure
we'll get along just fine.

May I say something,
Ms. Merritt?

Of course.

-You have beautiful eyes.
-Thank you.

Well, it's about time
I took a cruise.

Attention,
all visitors ashore please.

We sail in five minutes.

Keith: Coming.

Well, who's the message
from this time,

my draft board?

Look.
I came to tell you

that I hate to be
the bearer of sad tidings.

I'm sorry your girl
dumped on you.

I -- I really am.

I'll bet.

Now, why don't you just
be a nice pussycat and meow off?

I don't know
your girlfriend,

but now that I know you,

I think she made
the right choice!

Ex-- excuse me.
-Hi.

Oh, chasing a mouse, huh?

How do I get
off this ship?

Right, well, what you do
is you just go down here

to the end of the passageway,
turn right,

and it's up two decks.

But you better hurry
because, if that horn sounds,

you won't be getting off
until we get...

[ Air horn blows ]

...back to Los Angeles.

♪♪

You ladies excuse me
just a minute.

I'll be right back.

Hi.

Remember me?

I'm the guy that didn't go
to enough super bowl games

to qualify
as a dinner companion, right?

Oh, as a dinner companion,

i really don't think
you'll have much of a problem.

I'm not interested
in them.

I want you
to be my Valentine.

Mr. Taylor, I really
don't think football players

and college English teachers
have very much in common.

Why not?

You teach the one language
that I know.

Then why
don't you understand?

Excuse me, Duke?

Be right back.

Yeah?
-Hi. I'm captain stubing.

This is my daughter, Vicki.
-Captain, how are you?

Yes, I've seen
you play many times.

It's a pleasure
to have you sailing with us.

Well, thank you.

You ever play
any football yourself?

Well, I used to play a little
in college.

Oh.

[ Clears throat ]

I, uh, guess it was high school.

Oh.

[ Clears throat ]

Well, actually, after school,
a bunch of us guys

used to get together and throw
the ball around a little.

Oh, I see.

It was nice
meeting you, Duke.

-My pleasure.
-I'll see you around.

Okay, captain.

Well, I think
we've relaxed enough.

We've got
a lot of work to do.

Let's get to work.

We've only been here
five minutes.

Well, in five minutes,

I could have dictated
five pages.

-That fast?
-Yes, uh, Sam, look.

I've got to call
my office.

Meet me in my cabin
in say, um, minutes.

minutes.
Okay.

I'll be there
with my pencils sharpened.

Good.

Oh, hello, doctor.
-Hi, Ms. Merritt.

I didn't know
you were taking the cruise.

Neither did I.

But the first minute
I saw her,

I decided to hire myself
as a secretary.

Well, you're entitled.
You own the agency.

Yes,
but what she doesn't know

is that I can't take
shorthand.

I don't type.

Oh, she's gonna find out.

I know.
I lost my head.

Now I'm gonna lose
my agency.

Wait a minute.
I've got an idea.

I have one of those little,
uh, microcassette recorders.

Now, instead
of taking dictation,

just stick it
in your pocket,

record everything she says
and type it up later.

She'll never know.

Doc, you're brilliant.

-Ah.
-Sneaky but brilliant.

Well, every Valentine cruise
needs a sneaky cupid.

Come on.

Those are
my Valentine specials.

One sip,
and your heart flutters.

Julie.

-Yeah?
-A little problem here.

Suzie Scott
from musical messages.

Yes, we've met.

Hi, Suzie.

How would you like
a nice saucer of milk?

I went to apologize
to that idiot,

and the ship sailed.
-Oh.

Well, well, well,
what do we have here?

Don't tell me.
A stowaway.

Will you get off
of my case?

How do you handle
stowaways?

Do you throw 'em in the brig
or over the side?

Actually, it's the policy
of the ship

to make the passenger pay.

But I don't have enough money
to pay for this trip.

I don't even have enough money
to pay for dinner.

You're lucky.
Dinner comes with it.

I don't know
what we're going to do,

but first,
let's get you some clothes.

Wa-- wait a minute.

In a way, I feel kind of
responsible for all this.

So if her cruise
was paid for,

that would get her
off the hook, right?

Right.

Well, here's a dollar
from me.

See if you can get
all the other passengers

to kick in a buck.

Let's see.

Um, what woman,
whether young or old,

has not secretly yearned
for an exotic setting?

And what better place
than a luxury liner

to find love and romance?

Uh, add to that, uh,

balmy breezes and starry nights.

No, no, no, no.
Strike that.

Uh, let's see.

Hmm, hmm, hmm.

And the feeling of love
and romance turns to pure magic

when two people
share it on Valentine's day.

Am I too fast for you?

No, you're just
my speed.

And remember, ladies, true love
can be right under your nose.

So the important thing
is to have your nose

in the right place.

♪♪

Hi.
You mind if I join you?

You don't take no
for an answer, do you?

No.

Hey.
Tell me something.

Uh, do you have something
against football players,

or is it just me?

Well, to be perfectly honest,
as a schoolteacher,

it bothers me that the
university gives scholarships

to football players rather
than more worthy students.

You know, some
college football players

are very good students.
-Oh, please.

Most of them have I.Q.S

lower than the number
on their jerseys.

Yeah, you're right.

Everyone knows
that football players

are just brainless animals
just as everyone knows

that schoolteachers are cold,
unfeeling bookworms

who end up as old maids.

Okay, point well made.

Well,
now that we're people

and, uh,
not stereotypes anymore,

would you like to go dancing
after dinner?

Well, let's see
how dinner works out first.

Great.

You still here?

I thought you'd be
swimming back to shore by now.

If you had your way,
I know I would be.

But thanks to Julie,

I'm trying to work off
the price of a ticket.

Well, I'd ask you
to join me,

but I'm sure the help

isn't supposed to dine
with paying customers.

Thanks anyway, but
I wouldn't want to fight off

the hordes of women

you already have
surrounding your table.

Ta-ta.

-Captain stubing...
-Hmm?

...i have a message for you.

♪ Steer, steer, steer the boat ♪

♪ you deserve our praise ♪

♪ merrill, merrill, merrill,
merrill, how about a raise ♪

[ Applause ]

Happy Valentine's day
from your crew.

Well, thank you. Thank you.
And nice try.

It's a wonderful idea, Julie,
for Valentine's day.

I just hope
she's within our budget.

Oh, don't worry
about that, sir.

She's even sharing my cabin.

Our Julie
drives a hard bargain.

Yeah, you know our Julie.

Well, that's excellent.

Well, it's nice
to have you aboard.

Thank you.

Hmm.

Wonderful.
Wonderful.

I like to see a girl
who sings for her supper.

Tell you what.
I'll donate dessert.

No, thank you.
You eat it.

Sam, when we get back,

remind me to call
the head of your agency

and tell him what a wonderful
job you're doing.

Well, thank you.

The boss and I
are pretty close,

but every little bit helps.

No, really.
Believe me.

It's not every secretary
that can keep up with me

when I'm dictating.

Well, when you enjoy your work
as much as I do,

it's pretty easy.

Well, you're in
for an enjoyable evening

because I need all those notes
typed up right away.

See you tomorrow, Sam.

♪♪

Liz:
And this sensuous scene

is taking place
aboard a luxurious...

Not so fast.

And this sensuous scene.

Uh, and. And.

"A."
that would be "a."

"A." this is ridiculous.

It was just here a minute ago.

Ah, "a."

There you are,
you little rascal.

"N."

"N."

Okay.

All right, folks,
moving right along.

"D." "d."

Missed it by that much.

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations,
soft music plays ]

I'll donate dessert.

No, thank you.
You eat it.

And it's signed,
"I love you

on Valentine's day
and every day. George."

Oh.

What's new, pussycat?

Will you get off my case
already?

I mean, I'm sorry
for what I did before,

but you really irked me.

No, no.
You were right.

I -- I deserved it.

It was pretty funny.
Friends?

Honest?
No hard feelings?

No hard feelings.

Okay.

Besides, who could stay mad
at anyone as cute as you?

[ Can hissing ]

Oh, I -- I guess
I just misjudged you.

I -- I mean, I really thought
you'd try to get me back.

No, no.
That would be childish.

Oh, and you're not
the childish type, right?

Not me.
I'm one of those people who --

who let bygones be bygones.

Well, I hope you're one
of those people

who brought another tuxedo
or a lot of cleaning fluid.

I should've known
something was wrong

when
you were being so nice.

I bet you couldn't wait
to spray that in my face.

It serves me right.
I gue--

I guess I have been
acting like a jerk.

And now
you look like one, too.

You know, you had a right
to be angry.

It's not much fun being stood up
by your Valentine.

But after all,
that wasn't my fault.

I know.

Look, you're here alone,
and -- and I'm here alone.

What do you say
we go change our clothes

and catch a dance before
the band quits for the night?

Yeah, I think I'd like that.

Who knows?

Maybe, tomorrow, I'll even
send you a singing Valentine.

Let's go.

You know,
I'm really quite surprised.

At what?

Well, you're
a very graceful dancer.

Oh, well, thank you.

You got to be graceful
when you got thousands of pounds

of mean defensive linemen
charging at you.

Yep, otherwise,

they'd wrap you up
and ship you home to mama.

And that is not the kind
of Valentine

your mama likes to get.

But you know
what really surprises me?

Hmm?

Well,
it's such a violent sport,

and you're really
just a mama's boy at heart.

Yeah, you're right.

That's why
we always say, "hi, mom,"

after
we score a touchdown.

There's something about you
that surprises me, too.

What?

How come nobody's grabbed up
a smart lady like you?

Well, uh, maybe men
don't like smart ladies.

Well,
I like smart ladies.

Ooh!

What happened?
Are you all right?

Yeah, it's just a trick knee
I got from a game one day

when I wasn't
quite so graceful.

It happens a lot.

It pops out,
and it pops back in.

It'll be all right
in a few minutes.

Well, is there anything
that I can do?

Well, the doctor said,
whenever it happens,

I should take a walk
around the deck twice

with a beautiful lady

and call him
back in the morning.

He's a very good doctor.

Well, if that's
what the doctor ordered...

Mm-hmm.

[ Knock on door ]

Come in.

-Hi.
-Oh, hi.

Doc thought you
might need some coffee.

Thank you.
Uh, just put it right there.

All right.
How's it going?

Well, if this were
the last page,

I'd almost be finished.

If I were you, I wouldn't enter
any typing competitions.

I just can't concentrate
knowing that Liz

is onboard ship somewhere
looking gorgeous.

Liz?

Yes, Liz merritt.

Oh, yeah.

I just saw her
in the acapulco lounge

dancing with some dude.

Dancing with some dude?

Well, that's it.

I'm getting out of here.

I've got all night
to finish that.

He'd better plan
on a week.

♪♪

[ Soft music plays ]

Mind if I cut in?

Sam, I thought
you'd still be typing.

All finished.

Already?

Well, there's no end
to my talents.

Yes, uh, I'm beginning
to believe that.

Feeling any better?

Yeah, a little.

But I guess everybody's got
some pain in life to overcome.

Oh, but you kept
playing with the pain.

You could've quit.

Well, if I was a quitter,
I wouldn't be here with you now.

That's true.

I'm glad
you're not a quitter.

Say, what's that?

What?

That's
a quarterback sneak.

I'm beginning
to like football.

Maybe I should learn
a little more about the game.

Mm-hmm.

Thanks for the dress,
Julie.

Oh, my pleasure.

I'm glad my dress is gonna
have a good time tonight.

You know,
I've been thinking.

Maybe under
that angry exterior,

Keith is really a pussycat
after all.

Well, you pussycats have
to stick together, don't you?

I guess I was wrong.

He's really a leopard.

And we all know leopards
can't change their spots.

Tonight
certainly turned out

to be
a wonderful evening, Sam.

It certainly did.

I must say,
it was the first night

I ever danced
with my secretary.

Yes, well,
it's the first night...

...i ever kissed my boss.

Well, uh, I believe

in good employer/employee
relationships.

Good 'cause I plan to put in
a lot of overtime.

Come on.
Let me take you to your cabin.

Uh, no, thanks.

Let's save some fringe benefits
for another day.

Good night.

Liz: And what woman,
whether young or old,

has not secretly yearned
for an exotic setting?

[ Tape fast-forwarding ]

Good night.

See you at breakfast.

Oh, you don't you want me
to come in for a while?

Uh, we better not.

Okay.

See you at breakfast.

Good night.

Uh, my knee
went out on me again.

I -- I don't think
I can make it back to my cabin.

Well, do you think you could
make it into my cabin?

I can try.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Good morning.

Say, what happened to you
last night?

You change your mind?

Yes, but I haven't
changed my mind about you.

May I sit down?

Of course,
at any table but this one.

What's eating you?

When you ask a girl
to go dancing,

and when she shows up,
you shouldn't be dancing

with some bleached blonde
who's nibbling on your ear.

She missed dinner.

Oh, funny.

You needed a body contact fix
so fast

you couldn't wait for me?
-Aw, come on, Suzie.

It was a girl-ask-boy-to-dance
number.

She asked me.

You weren't there yet,
so I danced with her.

You really looked
like you were suffering.

Hey, we're not married.

We're not engaged.
We're not even valentines.

But it's still nice
to treat a human being

like a human being.
Listen.

You don't have a very good
track record with me.

And from now on,
in this race,

you're an also-ran.

How does anybody
eat so much for breakfast?

Oh, this will give me
the strength I need

to make it through
until lunch.

One of the habits I picked up
during my football days.

Oh, how's your knee?

Well, that reminds me.

When we get back, I got to call
that old team doctor of mine,

let him know
you're gonna take his place.

Ooh, you think
we may have found

a cure for the old trick knee
last night?

Oh, yeah.

Hiya, Duke.
You got a minute?

Yeah, I do now, gopher.

All right.
Great. Listen.

I found a copy
of your book in the library.

Do you think
you could autograph it for me?

-Sure.
-Oh, thank you.

Really.
Great.

Terrific autobiography.
-Thank you.

You bet.

-There you go.
-Appreciate it, Duke.

Sure thing.

You didn't tell me
you wrote a book.

Well, I didn't think
you'd be interested.

It's not exactly
your cup of tea.

Well, the book may not be,
but the author sure is.

Oh, well, thank you.

[ Knock on door ]

-Hi.
-Hi.

Grab yourself some coffee,
and let's get to work.

Whew.

Oh, did you bring the notes

that you typed up
for me yesterday?

Uh, the notes, yes.
Uh, I mean, no.

Oh, well, you better go back
to your cabin and get them.

We're gonna need them.

I can't.
There aren't any.

"There aren't any."

What is this,
one of those comic valentines?

Liz, I am not a secretary.

I can't take dictation.
I can't type.

I don't even know
how to take a coffee break.

What?

Do you mean to tell me

that there is nothing
down on paper?

-Nothing.
-Oh, no.

Well, how did that secretarial
agency ever hire you?

I own the agency.

You see, Liz,
when I tried to get you someone

at the last minute
and couldn't,

I came down to the ship
to tell you.

Then, when I saw you,
I wanted the job for myself.

Oh, terrific.

A whole day's work shot.

But, Liz, the only reason
I did it

was because
I was so attracted to you.

But I have
a deadline to meet,

and now, thanks to you,
I am not gonna meet it.

Oh, I think you better
just get out of here.

-But, Liz...
-Out.

-But, Liz...
-Out.

I wish you would let
me expla--

out.

I suppose lunch
is out of the question.

-Out.
-Appreciate your frankness.

The really crazy thing
is I'm nuts about her.

Well, I'm sorry, Keith,

but sounds to me
like you and Suzie

just got off
on the wrong foot

and stayed there.
-I know.

Everything just got
out of control.

Julie, you can say something
to her, can't you?

No, I can't.
You got to do that yourself.

-Ms. McCoy.
-Yes, sir?

May I have a word
with you, please?

Yes, sir.
Excuse me.

That, uh, young lady
in the pussycat costume

in the dining room
last night...

-Yes, sir?
-Yes, well, I just

heard that she wasn't actually
hired for this cruise,

was she?

Well, no, sir,
but I thought that...

I admire your compassion,
Julie,

but rules are rules.

I still have the line
to answer to.

I'm afraid she's gonna
have to pay for her passage.

Ladies and gentlemen,
happy Valentine's day,

and welcome to cabo San Lucas,

a romantic little hideaway
to please any taste.

Our launches await you
on the coral deck gangway.

While you're ashore,

enjoy lunch
at an open-air café

or picnic on the beach.

But don't be late
getting back.

We sail at : .

♪♪

Why don't you see if you
can move 'em up to aloha deck?

Uh, excuse me.
Gopher?

Mm-hmm?
Oh, hi, Kate.

Hi.
I was wondering

if I could borrow your copy
of Duke's book.

Duke's book.
Yeah, um, right here.

Duke's book.
-Thank you.

Ah, some parts of that
are a little rough.

Oh, well, Duke already
told me about his bad knee,

so I know the book
has v*olence.

-Uh-huh.
-Thanks a lot.

Mm-hmm.

If she thinks there was a lot
of action on the field,

wait till she gets
to the bedroom scenes.

Mr. Kelly?

Why, hello, there,
Suzie.

How's the musical messages
business today?

Oh, I have one for you.

For me?

The deck is yours.

♪ Oh, my darling ♪

♪ oh, my darling ♪

♪ oh, my darling Keith,
my love ♪

♪ how I miss you ♪

♪ long to kiss you
please say yes ♪

♪ oh, Keith my love ♪

And it's signed,
"passionately, Mona."

Thank you.

Oh, she's the girl
I was dancing with last night.

Oh.

That was very nice, Suzie.

Here.

Here's $ for yourself.
-Oh.

They're already paid for.
-They're?

Yes.
I have more for you.

Really?
Go ahead.

[ Clears throat ]

♪ I'll be coming to your cabin
later on ♪

♪ I'll be coming to your cabin
later on ♪

♪ I turned on
when I saw you ♪

♪ wait and see
what I got for you ♪

♪ I'll be coming to your cabin
later on ♪

It's signed,
"happy Valentine's night.

Jane."

Jane?
Oh, yes.

I -- I met her last
night after Mona.

Please take this $
as a tip.

I'm sure tonight will be
worth much more than that to me.

Keep it.

And sing these to yourself.

They're all for you.

There's one play
you made I'll never forget.

Packer game,
six seconds to go.

You guys were down
three points.

-Oh, yeah.
-You remember that one?

-Yeah.
-Oh, man, that was exciting.

The ball was snapped.
They blitzed you.

You ran back
to your own .

All your receivers were covered.
You had to run for it.

You ran yards
to score the winning touchdown.

You broke seven tackles.

-And four ribs.
-Wow.

-Yeah.
-That's fantastic.

-Hi, Kate.
-Hello.

I thought you'd like to know
that I just read your book.

Oh, good.
What'd you think of it?

Does this answer
that question for you?

Hey, Kate,
wait a minute.

No, no, no.
Forget it.

I don't want to be one
of the conquests in your sequel.

Wow.
I liked the book.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we hope you enjoyed your visit

to cabo San Lucas.

Our next stop is the port
of Los Angeles.

Liz,
I'm sorry for what I did.

Here's
your magazine article.

I typed it up
as best I could.

From what notes?

I thought you didn't take
dictation.

I don't.

I had a recorder
hidden in my pocket,

but it broke.

So I tried to remember
everything you said.

And what I couldn't piece
together, I filled in myself.

Filled in yourself?

Oh, why is it that everybody
thinks they're a writer?

I was just trying
to help.

Don't you think you've
helped me enough on this trip?

Just stay out of my sight.

Pink lady, please.

Brandy Alexander, please.

Strawberry daiquiri,
please.

Some Valentine's day.

Now, don't tell me
a pretty girl like you

doesn't have a fella.

I got a fella.

He's got other girls.

Mm. Mine had that many
just in the first chapter.

How do you think I feel?
I'm the editor of "new love,"

and I don't know
the first thing about it.

-I read that all the time.
-So do I.

Well, I hope you haven't read
this month's issue

because we'll probably all be
curling up with it tonight.

By the way,
can either of you type?

Just thought I'd ask.

Double vodka,
straight up, please.

Um, want an onion?

Why not?
I don't have a date tonight.

Isaac, get me a very weak scotch
and soda, very weak.

Okay.

Ah, enough.

And leave the bottle,
please.

Happy Valentine's day, fellas.

Hey, you're Duke Taylor,
aren't you?

Mm.

Hey, listen.

I'm having some trouble
with a lady, you know?

I'll bet
you can help me out.

[ Laughs ]

Believe me,
I'm having problems of my own.

You think
you got problems?

How'd you like to be in love
with your boss?

Check, please.

Uh, no, she's a woman,
a writer.

-Mine's a teacher.
-Mine's a pussycat.

That's a costume she wears.

What is it with women anyhow?

Come on, Isaac.
I thought bartenders

were supposed
to have all the answers.

Well,
I may not have all the answers,

but I learned one thing

from watching Duke
here play football.

Steeler game, , remember?

Are you kidding me?
We lost that game to nothing.

Yeah, that's what I learned.

You can't win 'em all.

Ladies and gentlemen,
for those of you

who haven't found someone
to be your Valentine,

there's still time left.

So join us on the lido deck

for our gala champagne party
Valentine dance.

[ Soft music plays ]

Oh, dad, I think this is
the prettiest Valentine dance

we've ever had.
Don't you?

Well, I'm sorry, honey.

I can't think of anything

when I'm dancing
with my best girl.

-May I, sir?
-No, gopher.

Get your own Valentine.

Aw, poor gopher.

No one to dance with?

Join us?

-Julie.
-Yeah.

Looks like
you struck out twice.

Beautiful party, Isaac.

Yes.
Quite lovely.

Thank you very much.

Enjoy yourselves.
-Thank you.

Do you know
who that guy is over there?

You mean Duke Taylor?

Oh,
you're a football fan?

No, just an avid reader.

Well, I've read everything
he's ever written.

Really?

I didn't know
he was a writer.

He isn't.

-Really?
-Yeah.

You're the editor
of "new love" magazine?

So how come you don't have
a Valentine on this cruise?

Well, I had one,

but I cut him out
in the final draft.

I know the feeling.

You know,
I have read your magazine.

Really?
I'm surprised.

It's mostly for women.

Yeah, I -- I -- I read it
over some woman's shoulder

on the bus.

Oh, I see.

You know, I've never met

a professional
football player before.

Well, I won't tell
if you won't.

Thank you.

You know,
my father loves football.

Every Sunday, he's practically
glued to the TV set.

Yeah?
There's a lot of sundays

I could've used some glue
to hold myself together.

-You know, you'd like my father.
-Is that right?

Yeah, you're practically
the same age.

♪♪

Kate.

Leave me alone.

I don't -- I don't want
to have anything to do with you.

Oh, now, wait a minute.
Time out.

I just want a minute
of your time.

Kate, if I did all those things
I said I did in that book,

I'd have died
of exhaustion years ago.

Are you telling me
it's fiction?

No, not all of it.

Let's just say
it's exaggerated a bit.

The publisher told me
that's what sells books.

But don't you care
what people think about you?

Sure, I care.
But mostly,

i guess I just care that
they think about me at all.

You know, when you're
a celebrity, Kate,

people treat you different,
like you're something special.

After I got finished
playing football,

I didn't want to go back
to being a nobody again.

But you're not a nobody.

Yeah, I know that now.

But I didn't know it then.

Kate, I'm not afraid
of losing the spotlight anymore.

I'm only afraid
of losing you.

Duke...

You don't have
to worry about that anymore.

Gee, I'm really sorry things
didn't work out for you.

Yeah, I was really getting
to like Keith.

Oh, I meant I was sorry
things didn't work out

about the money.

Well, you can't say
you didn't try.

You know, I was singing
and dancing my feet off

trying to make it.

Just tell the captain
that I'll pay him back

as soon as I can.
-Okay.

♪ Suzie, Suzie ♪

♪ listen to what I say ♪

♪ I sent those telegrams ♪

♪ hoping your fare to pay ♪

♪ there is no Jane or Mona ♪

♪ you are my one and owna ♪

♪ so after the cruise ♪

♪ my loving suze ♪

♪ be my Valentine every day ♪

Is this another one
of your jokes?

The only joke is this costume.

This pussycat loves you, baby.

One more kiss like that,
and you're gonna

hear the loudest roar
you ever heard.

Mm.

♪♪

Sam: Liz?

Oh, what do you want?

Well, I thought
I might give you some dictation.

You didn't want to read
what I wrote,

so I thought
I might dictate it to you.

Sam, you're wasting
your time.

And what's worse than that,
you're wasting my time.

You know something?
For a woman

who took this cruise
to write about love,

you really blew it.

Remember what
you said to me before

about love
being right under your nose?

Well, it was right
under yours all the time,

and you never even saw it.

Sure, I may have lied
about being a secretary,

but I never lied
about my feelings for you.

To quote one
of my favorite authors,

"you can find someone
to share your home or your life,

but it isn't really love
until you find someone

who can share your soul."

Well,
that's not a bad quote.

Who wrote it?

You wrote that?

It's not hard
to write about love

when you're right smack
in the middle of it.

I made a mistake.

I do want you
for my secretary.

Take a letter
to Mr. Sam Corey.

Dear sir,
it has come to my attention

that I absolutely
adore you.

♪♪

Liz: Oh, you.

Well, I see you two

had a happy
Valentine's cruise after all.

Oh, the happiest.

Sam and I are going
to be married.

Yes, I'm giving up
a temporary job

for a permanent one.

Well, great!
Now all you have to do

is decide
who's gonna be the boss.

Oh, it's okay with me.

She can be the boss.
That's all right.

-You can be the boss.
-No, no.

You can be the boss

just as long as you do
everything I tell you.

[ Indistinct conversation ]

Oh, gopher, Isaac.

Listen.
I just wanted to tell you

that we had an absolutely
wonderful cruise.

Oh, great.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Yeah, man.
I tell you,

it was more fun than winning
that last super bowl game.

-Oh, I saw that game.
-Did you?

Yeah. Remember when you threw
that b*mb for the touchdown?

Do I remember? Listen.
It was third and eight.

Got down
behind the center...

What am I doing?
That's all in the past.

The only thing
I care about now is the future.

You know, Duke
is writing a new book,

and this time, he wants me
to collaborate with him.

Yeah, and after we get
finished collaborating,

we might even do
some writing.

[ Laughter ]

Take it easy, fellas.
-Bye-bye.

-So long.
-Bye-bye.

-Bye.
-Thanks for sailing with us.

Thanks for everything,
you guys.

-Bye-bye.
-We had a great time.

Oh, and I'll mail this back
to you as soon as I get home.

Oh, don't worry about that.

Hey, why don't you send her
your pussycat costume instead?

No,
you look so cute in it.

You sure did.

And I ended up
with the pick of the litter.

Thank you, captain.

I'll send the rest of my fare
as soon as I can.

That won't be necessary.

It's been taken care of.

Thank you, Keith.

You're just lucky
you're a pussycat.

You have nine lives
to pay me back.