05x29 - Mothers Don't Do That/Marrying for Money/Substitute Lover

[bunniefuu]

[Theme music, "the love boat"]
Love, exciting and new, come

aboard, we're expecting you.

And love, life's sweetest
reward, let it float,

it floats back to you.

The love boat, soon we'll
making them on the run.

The love boat, promises
something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure,
your mind on new romance.

And love, won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile
on a friendly shore.

It's love.

Welcome aboard, it's love.

[Music playing]

Hello, how are you?

Hi.

Hi, I'm Lola trout.

My husband and I have
the honeymoon suite.

Oh.

Oh, congratulations.

Thank you.

Welcome aboard.

Thanks.

It was such a wonderful idea
of Orville to pick this cruise.

Then again, Orville always
has the wonderful ideas.

Orville trout, I know that
name, how do I know that name?

Don't look at me.

Oh, if you met Orville,
you wouldn't forget him.

He's got everything I've
ever wanted in a man.

He's got strength, intelligence,
sensuality, everything.

Oh, here comes my Orville now.

Orville, you all right?

Ah--

hi.

Hello, Orville.

Hmm.

We'll talk to everybody
later, excuse us.

Bye, Orville.

Welcome aboard, Orville.

Ah.

He has strength,
intelligence, and sensuality?

I just remembered
where I know him from.

Where?

Their picture
was in the paper.

Yeah.

That man has $ million.

Say what?

Say it with me.

$ million dollars.

Now that would give him
strength, and intelligence,

and sensuality.

Help you with those bags?

[Laughter]

Captain stubbing: I know you're
going to enjoy the cruise.

Hello, darling.

Marian.

What are you doing here?

I didn't expect
you on this cruise.

Oh, I'm so glad to see you.

Oh, Marian, this is
my daughter, Vicki.

Vicki, this is Marian Healy.

Marian's a fashion designer.

Hi, Mrs. Healy.

Hello, Vicki, i'm
delighted to meet you.

You know, I am going
to need all the friends

I can get on this trip.

Why, what's wrong?

Marian: Oh, nothing is
wrong, everything is fine.

I'm going to meet
my son on this ship.

He's going to come
and live with me.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Oh, but it's only for a month.

My ex-husband agreed
to let me have him, now

that I don't travel so much.

I'm very happy for you.

I am petrified.

What if he doesn't like me?

What if we don't get along?

Marian, you're
a terrific lady.

I'm sure your son will
realize that right away.

And we'll do
everything we can to see

that he has a great time.

Oh, thank you,
Vicki, thank you.

Oh, here he is.

Danny, Danny--

hello.

Oh, i--

I didn't realize you're
such a grown up gentleman,

you don't like hugging anymore.

Perhaps, you like shaking
hands better than hugging.

I don't like to
shake hands either.

Well--

he doesn't seem overjoyed
to see his mother.

He doesn't, does he?

Julie: And enjoy your cruise.

Hi, I'm Adam bricker,
the ship's doctor.

Hi, I'm Marla Bennett.

I'm looking for the
cruise director.

Oh, well, look no further.

I'm Julie McCoy, your cruise
director, how can I help you?

I just want to make sure
that a reservation's been made.

Oh, yes, Marla
Bennett, promenade .

You're right here.

Oh, no, no, it's not for me.

It's for Jason Clark, and
he'll be embarking in Ensenada.

Jason Clark, embarking
Ensenada, we've got him.

Great, thanks.

Now, if there's
anything you need--

oh, no, you just
get me to Ensenada

and I'll take it from there.

Oh.

Bert: Excuse me, can
you tell me the name

of that gorgeous creature?

Bert Brodie.

Funny, that's my name too.

Julie McCoy, how are you?

I'm fine.

I don't have to ask how you are.

I can see you're still panting
after every woman you meet.

Man after my own heart.

Bert: Now, look Julie,
you got me all wrong.

I'm a changed man.

Oh, when did all these
changes take place?

The second I laid
eyes on that goddess

you were just talking to.

Forget it, Bert, she's
meeting someone in Ensenada.

Yeah, off limits.

Look, Julie,
there are no limits

where true love is concerned.

So, if you don't
tell me her name,

I'm going to let
everybody on this ship

know that during high school,
we used to call you monkey mc--

Marla Bennett on the
promenade deck, cabin .

Thank you.

You won't regret this.

No, but Marla Bennett might.

Monkey?

Hey.

[Ship horn]

[Music playing]

Gopher: Lola, hi.

Orville: [Grunting]

[Groaning]

Gopher: Sir, sir, wait.

Orville: I think I'm dying.

All this exercise she's
giving me is k*lling me.

Come one loosen
his collar right now.

He needs mouth-- oh, mouth
to mouth resuscitation.

You do it.

Orville, come on, you've
got two more laps to do.

I can't.

It hurts too much.

Get the doc--

there's no need
to get the doctor.

I'm a nurse.

He's just trying to get
out of exercising again.

But he looks awful.

Lola: He looks cute.

His own doctor wants
him to shape up.

Now come one, we've got
more work to do, Orville.

No, no, I can't,
it hurts to much.

It hurts.

I'll tell you what, we'll
let you go two more laps,

then you can take
a break when it's

time for your swimming lesson.

Swimming lesson?

I'm just doing this
because I love you.

[Inaudible] No, honey, no--

Orville--

Well, it's sure a good
thing she loves him so much.

Yeah, if she
loves him any more,

there's not going to be
anything left to love.

[Music playing]

[Phone rings]

Hello.
Bert: Marla Bennett?

Yes.

Bert: This is your lucky day.

You've just been chosen
as today's contestant

in our swashbuckler sweepstakes.

To win your valuable prize,
just answer today's question.

What were the first
words Alexander Graham

bell said into the telephone?

Who is this?

Bert: Absolutely correct.

Oh, John, spin the
prize wheel and let's

see what Marla has just won.

Congratulations, Marla,
you have just won yourself

a fabulous evening
of dining, dancing,

and romance with Bert Brodie.

And you, I take
it, are Bert Brodie.

Another right answer.

I just wanted to be sure
who it is I have to avoid.

I wonder if monty hall
ever had that problem.

[Laughter]

[Music playing]

Hi, Danny, are you
having a good time?

Yeah, great.

Can I go find Vicki?

Well, we haven't seen
each other for months.

Couldn't we spend
some time together?

I guess so.

I know, I know, why don't you
and I go and play ping pong?

I don't like to
play ping pong.

But what kind of
games do you like?

Well, dad and I
sometimes play football,

or we throw the frisbee
around, things like that.

Well, I'm afraid i'm
not very good at football

or throwing the frisbees, but,
well, we'll think of something.

May I try that?

Sure.

Thank you.

Hi, Danny, listen there's
a shuffleboard tournament

in five minutes.

Do you want to be my partner?

Sure.

May I be excused?

Oh, yes, yes, of
course, have a good time.

Come on.

So, Marian, how are
things going with Danny?

Not very well.

I think this is going to be
more difficult than I thought.

Oh, just the person
I've been looking for.

Here, Julie, I want you to
take this over to Marla for me.

Julie: Bert, what makes
you think I'd do that?

Because deep down inside you
know that I'm really lovable.

Ok, because it's
your job to help

any passenger with a problem
and I definitely have a problem.

Monkey--

I'll do it.

And, uh, here's a
little note to go with it.

[Music playing]

Hi, Marla.

Hi.

This is a gift for you
from a secret admirer.

If it's from a man, no thanks.

There's only room
for one in my life.

The guy you're
meeting in Ensenada?

Mm hmm.

Why deal with the rest
when you've got the best.

Sounds like quite a guy.

I hope so.

I've never met him.

You want to run
that by me again?

Jason and I have been writing
to each other for about a year.

We started out as
just pen pals, and

well, now I'm in love with him.

He's so sensitive and romantic.

What's he look like?

To tell you the
truth, I don't know.

What?

He wanted to exchange
pictures, but I said no.

I guess I'm camera shy.

Besides, it's more
exciting this way.

Well, well, I guess
anticipation is half the fun.

Right.

And tonight, I'm going to
give him the other half.

[Music playing]

Come on, Orville,
you don't need that.

I don't know how to swim.

You don't know how to swim
because you never tried.

Now get in the water.

I don't even like the water.

Get used to it, Mr. Trout.

No.

Go, go in.

Oh, it's cold.

Too cold.

[Inaudible] Please,
get in the water.

You going to wear that
shirt in the water?

I don't want to get sunburned.

[Laughter]

[Groaning]

Darling, now in
order to swim, you

have to learn how to breathe
and hold your breath underwater.

[Laughter]

Hi, Lola.

- Hi.
- What you got under there?

Orville.

Orville, are you all right?

[Groaning]

What did you do that for?

He was drowning.

Don't be ridiculous.

I'm from the think
or swim school.

Really?

Well could I ask you a

hmm?

Do you have any
living graduates?

Oh, you're such a kidder.

[Laughter]

[Theme music, "the love boat"]

[Music playing]

Hi, dad.

Oh, hello, sweetheart.

Sorry I'm late, but Danny
and I made it to the finals

of the shuffleboard tournament.

Well.

Isn't that wonderful.

Did you win?

No.

But we came close.

Danny's really good.

Captain stubbing: Yeah,
those are a lot of fun.

A few weeks ago,
Vicki and I entered

the ping-pong tournament.

You did?

Vicki: And we
would have won too,

except for dad had
a little trouble

keeping the ball on the table.

I did that on purpose.

Ah.

I mean, what would it
look like for the captain

of the ship to take
home all the trophies.

Danny, do you
remember a few years ago

at your school on parents
day, when you and I

entered the potato sack race.

We kept hopping up and down.

If they had given out a trophy
for falling down the most,

we would have won it.

Oh, Danny.

It's so good to hear
your laugh again.

Last year, dad and I
won the potato sack race.

[Inaudible]

I know that.

Doc, I'll tell you, she's
trying to k*ll that guy.

Yeah, first the jogging
bit, then the drowning bit.

So she runs him a little hard.

What of it?

You have to exercise hard
to make it worthwhile.

Doc, the guy told us
he had a heart condition.

Then a little exercise
might be just what he needs.

I suppose he needs
a little drowning too.

Yeah, here's the clever part,
doc, drowns him in public,

makes it look like an accident.

Oh, you guys are crazy.

Now why would she
want to k*ll him?

$ million.

Come on, I need more
evidence than that

before I go around
accusing someone of m*rder.

Doc, doc, doc-- come
back, look at this,

look at this, she's putting
poison in his drink.

If she's poisoning him, he
sure seems to love poisoning.

Hi, doc.

Hi, Julie.

Have you seen Marla Bennett?

No, anything wrong?

Yeah, poor Marla.

That guy she's supposed to
meet in Ensenada cancelled.

Aw, that's too bad.

Yeah, he ran off with
somebody else, the creep.

You know sometimes you men
make me so mad, I could scream.

Easy Julie, anybody who'd
dump a beauty like Marla

isn't worth straining
your vocal chords over.

You're right.

But I feel sorry for her.

She's going so heartbroken.

Evening, Julie, doc.

Hi, Andy.

Andy, would you take this to
promenade for me, please?

Sure thing.

Thank you.

Come on, Julie.

[Music playing]

Thank you, very much.

[Laughter]

Good evening, hope
you're enjoying the cruise.

[Music playing]

Oh, excuse me, is that
telegram for promenade ?

Yes, it is.

Oh, thank you.

I've been expecting this.

Have a nice evening.

[Laughter]

[Theme music, "the love boat"]

[Music playing]

Tonight, I thought I
almost got through to Danny.

What do you think
I'm doing wrong?

You're not doing
anything wrong.

It's going to take the
too of you to get you

and Danny back together.

You're just doing your best.

Vicki, you want to
play some backgammon?

No.

How about playing some cards?

No.

Well, you're no
fun to be with.

Well, see, i'm
just trying to show

you how your mother must feel.

That's the way you've
been treating her.

Yeah, I know.

I don't have anything
to say to her.

We don't get along.

Well, maybe you should
try a little harder.

She sure is.

Yeah, I guess she is.

Then why don't you
ask her to dance?

Well--

come on, she's
right over there.

Ok.

[Music playing]

Excuse me, captain,
may I cut in?

I'd like to dance with my mom.

The pleasure will be all mine.

[Music playing]

I'm sorry about the
way I acted before.

That's all right, Danny.

I love you.

[Music playing]

You know what, you dance
pretty good for a mom.

[Music playing]

Julie: Buenos noches,
and welcome to Ensenada.

If you're going
ashore, you may want

to visit one of the
city's disco-techs,

but don't dance the night away.

We sail at midnight.

[Music playing]

Excuse me, I'm looking
for somebody, I was--

are you--

Jason?

Marla?

Oh, sometimes I thought this
moment would never happen.

Oh, I know exactly
what you mean, honey.

[Laughter]

[Music playing]

Well, I must say, Orville
seems to be dancing up a storm

for a man who's been poisoned.

It could be a
slow acting poison.

It could, but then again,
you could be a slow sinking

assistant purser.

[Laughter]

[Applause]

[Music playing]

Oh, I love to dance.

Can't we sit this one out?

Really, my stomach
is bothering me.

Honey, dancing is
just what you need.

Dancing is what I need, huh?

You see, a man
who's been poisoned

couldn't dance like that.

As a matter of fact, I've
never seen anybody dance

like that my life.

Quite a step.

He's not dancing, he's dying.

All right, just tell
me where it hurts.

Lola: Oh, thank you, doctor, I
have everything under control.

Well, still I'd like
to take a look at him.

Lola: There's no need, I have
everything under control.

Besides, I'm a nurse.

Orville, are you all right.

Yeah, I'm all right,
it's just my stomach

hurts from so much exercising.

Come on, darling,
it's time for bed.

Orville: Yeah.

Lola: Excuse us, gentlemen.
Orville: Sure, excuse me.

Lola: Goodnight.

Goodnight.

You think he's all right?

I think so.

Yeah, he'll probably know
better after the autopsy,

right, doc?

[Laughter]

Julie: Ladies and gentlemen,
we hope you enjoyed Ensenada.

Our next stop is acapulco.

[Theme music, "the love boat"]

And when we get to acapulco,
we can go windsurfing,

we can go snorkeling.

We can watch the cliff divers
jump way high off the cliffs.

Hold, it hold it, from now
on, darling, you and I are going

to do a lot of things together.

But first, young man, I want
you to put on your pajamas

and go to bed.

But I'm not sleepy.

Oh?

Well, I tell you what you do.

Why didn't you write some
notes to your friends.

There are some postcards in my
cabin in the dresser drawer.

Ok.

I'm going to go
to the captain,

and I'm going to make
all the engagements.

I'll be right back.

Mom?

Yes, darling?

I love you.

I love you, too.

[Music playing]

You know, when I didn't
see you right away,

I was afraid you weren't coming.

Are you kidding?

I wouldn't miss
this for the world.

I'm glad you feel that way.

Because I want to get as
close to you as I can.

That any better?

Jason, there's someone
I want you to meet--

Julie--

[laughter]

Julie, I want you
to meet the guy I've

been bragging so much about.

Julie McCoy, this
is Jason Clark.

[Laughter]

He's more wonderful
than his letters.

I just can't believe it.

Neither can I.

[Laughter]

Excuse me.

[Music playing]

Oh, you were so right.

Everything between Danny
and me are working out

even better than I expected.

I had a feeling things
were going to work out.

I got my saddle back again.

Thank you, thank you, so much.

Good night.

Good night, Marian.

- Danny--
- yeah.

I worked everything
out with the captain.

We are going to have
the most marvelous day.

What's the matter, darling?

How could you
write this stuff?

How could you do these
disgusting things?

Danny, what are you
doing with my diary?

That's my personal property.

You can keep it.

What do you think
you are doing?

Just leave me alone.

I don't want to talk to you.

Danny, Danny, please
let me explain it.

Oh, come one, Danny.

You just don't--

[Music playing]

Oh, look at this.

I don't believe it.

What?

That she's kissing him?

No, that he's still alive.

Look, I told you guys,
there never was any poison.

You two were so
crazy last night,

you even had me
going for a while.

Now knock it off, will you?

Why?

So she can knock him off?

Doc, I'm telling
you, last night Isaac

and I saw her sneak powder
into his drink, right?

Isaac: That's true,
doc, we did see it.

And it certainly could
have been poison.

Right.

Well, he does kind
of look out of it.

I'll go over and talk to him.

Mr. Trout?

Hi.

Oh, hello, doc.

Are you feeling all right?

Did you get any rest last night?

I'm on my honeymoon with Lola.

Uh--

At least that's
a better way to go.

[Laughter]

Hi, Julie.

Don't hi Julie me, you rat.

How could you do a
horrible thing like that?

Like what?

Like what?

Like telling Marla that
you're Jason Clark?

So what's the harm.

She's enjoying herself.

And So am I. You're
the cruise director,

isn't that what you want?

What I want is for you
to tell her the truth.

And I'm warning, Bert,
if you don't, I will.

Oh, come on Julie.

Look, I really like this girl.

Please don't blow
the whistle on me.

Ok, if you want, I'll even
change my name legally.

[Laughter]

Hi, Julie.

Good morning, Jason.

I brought you some breakfast.

Marla, I got--

Julie, I am so happy.

This just goes to show you that
dreams really can come true.

Yeah, well, i--

[laughter]

Pleasant dreams.

Marian: Danny, won't
you please talk to me?

You'll feel better
if you talk to me.

I know that I would.

I know you don't understand
what you read in my diary.

Mind you, I'm not ashamed
of anything I wrote.

I'm just trying to
explain it to you.

Where are you going?

Danny, talk to me.

I am your mother.

I don't want a mother.

[Music playing]

Have I ever told you
my most favorite thing

about your letters?

Maybe, but tell me again.

It's all the little
stuff you write in French.

Would you say something
to me in French?

In French?

Now?

Sure, why not?

And drive you mad with desire?

You have no idea how sexy
I am when I speak French.

Wait until we are alone.

You know, you really
are something else.

How true.

[Laughter]

Oh, my gosh, with
all of the excitement,

I forgot to ask you
how Charlies doing.

Charlie?

Yeah, did everything go
all right with his operation?

Oh, Charlie, yeah.

Yeah, he came out
of it just fine.

As a matter of fact, he
called me just before I

left to say bon voyage.

He did?

Yeah.

[Music playing]

Captain stubbing:
Try loop, l-o-o-p.

[Music playing]

Hello.

Oh, hello.

Vicki, have you
seen Danny anywhere?

Not today, no.

Marion, is
everything all right?

Oh, yes, yes, of course,
everything is just fine.

I just can't find
Danny anywhere.

Oh, well, if I see
him, I'll tell him

you're looking for him.

Thank you, Vicki, thank you.

Everything is not
all right, is it.

No, everything isn't.

Danny got into my
diary last night,

and he read some very intimate
things I wrote in there.

That's a touchy
situation, all right.

Marian: Well, you know,
I really can't blame him.

There are certain things
that I've wouldn't

want to read about my mother.

You know, the kids are so used
to thinking of us as parents,

it's hard for them to
think of us as people.

Anything I can do for you?

No, thank you.

This is one thing I will
have to take care of myself.

Thank you.

[Music playing]

Gopher, you know
doc's absolutely right.

We have no evidence that
Lola's trying to do Orville in.

Yeah, I guess we did
get a little carried away.

Isaac: Yeah.

Orville: Ooh, no, oh,
stop you're hurting me.

That's Orville.

Gees, I hope
we're not too late.

Orville: I'll do anything
you want, anything.

Please, please, please.

I'll use my pass key.

Gopher, we can't
break in there.

That's against regulations.

Orville: Oh.

A man's life may be at stake.

Orville: Oh.

Aha.

What are you doing here?

We heard screaming.

Well, of course
you heard screaming,

I'm giving my husband a massage.

Some massage.

If you hadn't exercised
your whole life,

you would be in a
lot of pain too.

Orville, does your neck
feel better now, darling?

Orville: Anything
you say, sweetheart--

[groaning]

So, either one of you
like a neck message?

No.

[Inaudible]

[Laughter]

[Theme music, "the love boat"]

Do you remember that
last letter you sent me?

How could I forget?

Did you really mean it?

Every syllable.

And you haven't
changed your mind?

That's one thing
I couldn't change.

Oh, Jason.

That means we are
getting married Tuesday.

Tuesday?

Did I say Tuesday?

Uh huh.

[Laughter]

Oh, Danny, Danny,
where have you been?

Around.

Look, Danny, if we are
going to live together,

we have to learn to communicate.

We have to be able to talk
about things that bother us.

No, we don't,
because we're not

going to be living together.

I called dad, and he's
going to meet me in acapulco

and take me home.

[Music playing]

Julie: Welcome to
beautiful acapulco.

Snorkeling, parachuting,
white beaches,

sheik boutiques and glittering
disco-techs await you.

The [inaudible].

[Music playing]

[Theme music, "the love boat"]

Massage, my foot.

If we hadn't got
there when we did,

Orville would have been a goner.

What are we going to do?

She can get at him at any time.

Well, I think--

I think we should
go to the captain.

You guys are crazy.

All you got are suspicions.

You don't have any real proof.

I will.

I wired a reporter friend
of mine in Los Angeles.

He's going to get
the lowdown on Lola.

And I'll bet he's got
some pretty good dirt.

I don't think we
can wait that long.

She's pouring that stuff
in his drink again.

That's it.

She's not going to
get away with this.

Oh, there's a smudge on this
glass, get you a clean one.

Here's your evidence, doc.

Good work, gopher.

Another life saved?

Isaac: Yeah, that was a
real smooth move, buddy.

You saw your duty
and you did it.

Mm, mm, mm.

Mm.

Mm.

[Laughter]

Danny, Danny, this
has gone far enough.

I am still your mother,
and what I say goes.

You are not leaving.

Yes, I am.

No, you are not.

You should be glad
to get rid of me.

Now you can do more stuff
to put in your diary.

Danny, you just don't
understand, do you?

And I don't know how
to get through to you.

I say goodbye to you when
your father gets here.

[Music playing]

Isaac: And the
last straw was when

we saw her slipping more of that
white powder into his drink.

Well, I must admit that's odd.

But I can't have someone
arrested for odd.

If I had people
arrested for odd,

I'd be operating this
ship with half a crew.

That's what I've been trying
to tell you, you have no proof.

What more does it take?

Does she have to k*ll him before
we can do anything about it?

I still think there's
a plausible explanation

for everything.

Gopher: There is.

Right here in this cable gram.

Proof positive, gentlemen,
everything we need.

Says here, Lola trout, also
known as Lola lafollette,

was the private nurse to old
man trout until his death

two months ago due
to food poisoning.

Sure, it was food poisoning,
because she poisoned his food.

Gopher: It goes on
to say that Lola then

married Orville
trout, the second, one

a week after the will was read.

Doc: Now, that does sound
like a possible motive,

doing the old man first, then
take the money from his heir.

Gopher: Gentlemen,
I rest my case.

Captain, what more do you need?

I think I need to have a
long talk with Mrs. Trout.

[Music playing]

Well, if it isn't Jason Clark.

And we both know it isn't.

Please, Julie.

What I really need right
now is a little sympathy.

Well, that's just
what you'll get from me,

very little sympathy.

Look, I know I
probably deserve this,

but I'm afraid i'm
going to lose Marla.

Well, after lying to her
like that, what do you expect?

I don't know, but not this.

She wants me to
marry her Tuesday.

She doesn't even know who I am.

I guess you really painted
yourself into a corner

this time, Bert.

Bert: Yeah, you're not kidding.

I'm going to tell her the truth.

I just hope she won't hate me.

Julie, I'd do
anything for Marla.

I'd even become a new man.

Oh, don't do that.

That's how you got into all
this trouble in the first place.

[Laughter]

Oh, remember, the
truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth.

And good luck.

Hi, Marla.

Well, what do you think?

For the wedding, do you like it?

Oh, it's beautiful.

Marla: Oh, who would have ever
thought that you and I would

become mr and mrs Jason Clark.

Not me.

Listen, Marla.

Marla: Oh, did I tell you?

I talked to my parents.

They sounded
absolutely thrilled.

They said they're going to fly
down and meet us at the pier

when the boat docks.

Isn't that wonderful?
- That's wonderful.

Listen, Marla--

oh, do you think you
could get Charlie to come

down and be your best man?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

Marla, would you sit
down for a minute?

Ah, sweetheart.

I really can't.

I've got a million things
to do before Tuesday.

So I'll see you later,
Jason, or herbie, or George,

or whatever your name is.

Marla.

Look, I don't
know who you are,

or what you're trying to
pull, but the real Jason

would never, never tell me
that Charlie would come down

and be his best man, or
tell me that he talked

to Charlie on the telephone.

Charlie is a cocker spaniel.

[Laughter]

[Inaudible] Shh, shh,
shh, there they are.

Back a little
further, darling.

There you go, darling, just
a little bit further back.

Just a little bit further.

She's going to k*ll him.

Orville, look out.

Orville, are you ok?

Orville, Orville.

Are you all right?

[Theme music, "the love boat"]

He's got a few
bruises, but he'll be ok.

Sorry to disappoint you, lady.

What do you mean,
disappoint me?

Well, first you tried
to run him to death.

Then you tried the drowning bit.

Didn't quite work out
the way you wanted it.

What are you talking about?

I love Orville.

I want him to exercise
so that he'll be healthy.

Gopher: Sure.

What about that
white powder we saw

you slipping into his drinks?

Oh, you mean this?

There you go,
captain, exhibit a.

Good work, gopher.

Thank you, sir.

This is it, all
right, ascorbic acid.

I knew it.

Captain stubbing: Gopher,
ascorbic acid is vitamin c.

I didn't know that.

He has a little
trouble swallowing pills.

But we certainly
saw you trick him

into falling down the stairs.

Yeah, we saw that.

What are you talking about?

Gopher did that when
he shouted at me.

What makes you think I would
want to k*ll my own husband?

Well, because you married
him for his money, $ million

of the big green.

Married me for my money?

Are you kidding? My father
left all the money to her.

I married her for her money.

Oh, Orville, you didn't.

Well, who wants to be poor?

But I fell in love with you.

I really did.

Will you forgive me?

Of course,
Orville, I love you.

I'm very sorry about
this, mr and Mrs. Trout.

Please accept our apologies.

That's all right.
We understand.

Let's go back to the cabin.

Yeah, please.

Let us help you down, Orville.

There'll be a nice bottle
of complimentary champagne

waiting for you, right Isaac?

On the house.

Yes, we've got plenty
more honeymoon left.

Something tells
me I'm going to need

all the vitamins I can get.

[Laughter]

Captain stubbing:
Gopher, Isaac--

Well, sir, look
at it this way,

at least there won't be
a m*rder on the ship now.

Don't be too sure.

[Laughter]

Julie: Ladies and
gentlemen, our last launch

leaves for acapulco
in minutes.

Dad--

Danny.

Hello Marian.

Hello, Russell.

I'm sorry you had to come
all the way down here.

I'm not.

I can't wait for you
to take me home, dad.

Ok, Danny.

What happened?

When he called me, he
was terribly upset.

Well, we had a
misunderstanding

and we couldn't work it out.

What kind of misunderstanding?

Danny got into
my diary and he--

he read some personal things.

Oh.

You know better
than that, Danny.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

I should be ashamed?

You should have seen some
of the stuff she wrote.

I don't care what
your mother wrote.

A diary is extremely personal.

You had no business reading it.

But dad, it was all about
her and some guy, snowed in,

in a cabin in the mountains.

They were drinking champagne
and lying on the floor.

Wait a minute, in front of a
fireplace, on a bearskin rug?

How did you know?

Danny, I was that guy.

You wrote about us?

I never wrote
about anybody else.

What about all
that stuff I read?

Danny, I know how you feel.

When I was your age, I
didn't think mother's

did things like that either.

Of course we do, how do
you think we become mothers?

Danny, when you
get older, you'll

realize that what you
read was about a man

and a woman in love, and
that was your father and me.

I'm sorry, mom.

Oh, that's all right, Danny.

That's all right, darling.

Can I change my mind and
stay with you on the cruise?

Why, of course you can.

You have room for one more.

There's a lot of things
we have to talk about.

Danny and I would
like that very much.

Wouldn't we, Danny?

[Music playing]

What do you want?

I want to apologize.

I was going to tell
you the truth before,

but you just wouldn't
give me a chance.

Come on, you expect
me to believe that?

Well, I guess I don't
expect you to believe anything

I say anymore.

But there is one solid
fact you should know.

And that's I really
care about you.

Well, I really cared
about you too, once.

Marla, listen, you
got to understand,

I knew there was something
different about you

the moment I saw you.

I just, I just had to
find a way to get closer.

Well, couldn't you have
picked some other way.

I tried calling you.

I tried sending you
candy, but you wouldn't

have anything to do with me.

That's why when Jason
sent the telegram,

it seemed like my only chance.

What telegram?

The one that came for you
yesterday that I intercepted.

He said that he met another--

well, it's not really
important what it said.

The point is, I know I
had no right to pretend

that I was somebody
else, especially somebody

you were going to marry.

Can you ever forgive me?

Consider yourself forgiven.

Besides, that wedding
date was just my way

of getting even with you.

You mean, you
were just kidding

about getting married Tuesday?

Oh, good, because,
if you don't mind,

I'd rather make it Monday.

[Music playing]

[Theme music, "the love boat"]

There you are.

We couldn't leave
without thanking you.

Yes, thank you, captain.

Oh, you're very welcome.

I'm glad everything
worked out so well.

Oh, yes, everything
is just fine.

I got both of my men back.

And we're back to
stay, right Danny?

We sure are.

I'll take a few years off for
college, but I'll be back.

Good bye, and thank you.

- Good bye.
- Bye.

Bye.

Well, Julie, things sure
turned out differently

than I thought they would.

Jason Clark will never
know what he missed.

Maybe I'll send
him a thank you note.

So you too really
are getting married.

Yep, we sure are.

There's just one thing I have
to know before I marry you.

What's that?

Your name.

- So long.
- Bye-bye.

Thanks for sailing with us.

Lola and Orville.

Isaac and gopher have something
they'd like to say to you.

Yeah, we're really very sorry
for the way that we acted.

It's ok, I understand, really.

Yeah, we're very sorry.

But Lola, you know,
if things don't work--

oh, forget it.

You're not her type.

The truth is, you're just
a little too goofy looking.

Come on, sweetheart.

[Laughter]

[Music playing]

[Theme music, "the love boat"]