05x17 - The Return of the Captain's Lady/Love Ain't Illegal/The Irresistible Man

[bunniefuu]

[Theme - Jack Jones, "the love
boat theme"]

Theme song: Love,
exciting and new.

Come aboard.

We're expecting you.

And love, life's
sweetest reward.

Let it flow.

It floats back to you.

Love boat.

Soon we'll be
making another run.

The love boat promises
something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure,
your mind on a new romance.

And love wont hurt anymore.

It's an open smile
on a friendly shore.

It's love.

Welcome aboard.

It's love.

[music playing]

Welcome aboard.

I'm captain s--
- stubing.

I know.

I always check ahead
with my employer

to determine who's in charge.

This is Mr. Easton
of mutual fidelity.

I'm his secretary, miss Simpson.

Julie: Well, welcome aboard,
miss Simpson, Mr. Easton.

Miss Simpson, you're in cabin--

miss Simpson: ,
promenade deck.

And Mr. Easton is in cabin .

We will be dining at
the earliest sitting.

Mr. Easton requires a wake up
call tomorrow morning at :

sharp.

Any questions?

Mr. Easton, if you'll excuse
me, I shall go to my cabin

and begin preparing for
our meeting in acapulco.

Oh, all right, miss Simpson.

You're a lucky man,
Mr. Easton, to have

such an efficient secretary.

Oh, yes, I am.

Thank you.

I mean, yes, I've always admired
efficiency in a secretary.

Uh, excuse me, sir.

Hi, I'm Cindy nevins.

I couldn't help overhearing
your conversation.

Did you say you were
looking for a secretary?

No.

Oh, yes.

[Inaudible]

Actually, I already
have a secretary.

Oh.

Well, if you ever are looking
for a secretary, I'm your girl.

On the other hand,
one can never tell when

one might need a new secretary.

How fast can you type?

words a minute.

Really?

.

Would that be on an
electric typewriter?

No, I think it's gas.

No, no, it's electric.

Well, bye.

Bye.

I'm sure she can't hold
a candle to miss Simpson

when it comes to efficiency.

No.

No, I don't think so.

Captain stubing:
words a minute--

with her around, you'll
be working every weekend.

Yes.

Who would want to do
a thing like that?

[Music playing]

What a beautiful ship.

I've been wanting to go
on this cruise for years.

How kind of you to
graduate from high school

to give me the excuse
to spend the money.

It's a wonderful gift, mom.

Thanks.

Now, what's the other surprise
you were talking about?

You'll see.

First, let's check in.

Hello.

I'm Mrs. Hensinger.

This is my daughter, Abigail.
- Hi.

Hi.

Hi, welcome aboard.

You are on the
fiesta deck, cabin .

Enjoy your cruise.

Oh, we will.

We're celebrating a
high school graduation.

Oh.

Oh, and which of you young
ladies is the graduate?

[Laughs]

You just made my
mom's whole cruise.

It's Jim.

What's he doing here?

That's the other surprise.

Mother, how could you?

[Music playing]

Mrs. Hensinger, how you doin'?

Oh, Jim.

It's so good to see you again.

Hey, uh, where's Abby?

She, um, went to our
cabin to get settled.

After being away from
each other for two years,

I can't wait to see her again.

She, uh, can't wait
to see you either, Jim.

Enjoy your cruise.

Hi, my name is wilfred Davies.

I, uh, hope i'm
on the right boat.

Well, if you're not,
I've got the wrong list,

because you're on it.

Welcome aboard, Mr. Davies.

You're on the promenade
deck, cabin .

And you're not going to
need that coat, Mr. Davies.

We're going to hot
bikini country.

Well, I didn't bring a bikini.

The reason I'm carrying this
coat is to-- is to hide this.

It's a-- $ , --

[gasps]

Ooh.

--For-- for any
person who introduces me

to the girl who'll be my wife.

Oh, Mr. Davies, you
don't have to do that.

I'm sure you'd be able to
find a nice girl on your own.

I wish that was
true, but I'm just--

I'm a little shy, and
girls don't like me.

I just don't seem
to impress people.

Well, you just impressed me.

To show my good faith, would
you put this in the ship safe?

Yes.

I think you're $ short.

I really don't think so.

I'd sure appreciate
it if someone

found the right girl for me.

All right.

I think it's disgusting
offering money to find a wife.

So do I.

Who does he think we are?

Hey, you want to
meet a great guy?

Hello.

Welcome aboard.

From our flower shop.

Oh, thank you very much.

Here you go.

There.

- How much?
- Oh, no.

They're free.

As they say in the song,
the best things in life are.

Yeah.

Promenade deck?

Oh, that way.

[Music playing and horn blowing]

[Cheering]

Miss, nevin, what
a pleasant surprise.

Listen.

This is the darndest thing.

I just happened
to be walking out

here on the deck with
this bottle of champagne,

and now look.

I've found someone
to share it with me.

I just love champagne.

But mister?

Easton.

But please, call me Howard.

Oh, well, I don't
think I'd feel

comfortable calling you Howard.

[Cork pops]

Besides, Howie, I don't usually
drink so early in the morning.

Too late.

I've already opened it.

Gee, I bet you'd
be lots of fun

to work for, not like my boss.

He's a real meany.

Oh, really?

How could anybody
be mean to you?

He makes me change my
own typewriter ribbon.

Beast.

And that's why i'm
looking for a new job.

Oh, what a way to start the
day-- coming in every morning,

seeing you at : .

[Gasps]

[Giggles] : .

: ?

Well, : if i'm
getting my hair done.

Yes, that sounds reasonable.

After all, a young working girl
should try to look her best.

[Clears throat]

Oh.

Mr. Easton, are you aware
that we have a very important

meeting to prepare for?

Oh, uh, miss
Simpson, why don't you

start on the pension
plan proposal,

and I'll join you
in a few minutes?

I have started working
on it, Mr. Easton,

and I have completed it.

And when you are free,
I will be waiting.

Very good.

What a party pooper.

Oh, yes, I know.

I'd much rather have
you as my secretary,

but I can't very
well fire a woman

that's been so efficient and
loyal to me all these years.

I mean i--

I wouldn't be able
to live with myself.

Well, maybe you
could get her to quit.

[Laughs] Not on your life.

That woman is so dedicated,
she would work hours a day

for me, even if
I didn't pay her.

Come to think of it,
maybe she wouldn't.

[Music playing]

Mrs. Hensinger: Well, I'm sorry.

I don't understand.

I invited Jim on this
cruise, because I

thought you'd enjoy seeing him.

Abigail: Well, I won't.

Why?

You two have been
writing to each other

ever since he moved away.

Yes, but he couldn't
see this in my letters.

You never told him?

Of course not.

How could I tell him I
have a back disease now?

Abigail, scoliosis
is not a back disease.

It's a slightly curved spine.

In a little while, you won't
have to wear that anymore,

and you'll be as healthy
and normal as ever.

A little while?

Try three more years.

I know how you feel.

Let's just be grateful
it isn't permanent.

When I have to wear it every
minute except to take a bath

and do those dumb exercises,
it sure seems permanent.

If I made a
mistake, I'm sorry.

I think the best thing
for you to do now

is just tell Jim and
get it over with.

I don't want him to see me.

I'll meet you up on deck.

And Abigail, if Jim
doesn't understand,

he's not worth
having as a friend.

I always hoped someday
he'd be more than a friend.

[Music playing]

Hey, goph.

Is that the guy who was
offering $ , for a bride?

Yeah, and it looks as though
my selection, young Gwen there,

has the inside trick.

Gwen, would you do me a favor
and get some suntan lotion?

I don't want to get sunburned.

It might be uncomfortable
[Inaudible]..

Hey, gopher.

Hm?

Gwen-- she's just--

she's lovely, just the kind
of girl I've been looking for.

Good.
I'm very happy for me.

For you.

We're all happy for
you, but we wouldn't

want you to rush into anything.

Hello, wilfred.

Hi.

I'd like you to meet Irene.

Hi.

Um, hi, Irene.

Um, I'm sitting with
a friend over there,

but I'm sure she wouldn't
mind if you cared to join us.

Well, I'd love to.

Not fair, Isaac.

He was sitting with my girl.

Why can't you just
wait your turn?

Hey, what is this-- a bakery?

I got to take a number?

Relax, guys.

Looks like the bakery just
got another piece of pastry.

That guy's going to end up with
more ex-wives than I've had.

Hi, guys.

Aren't you the one who thought
it was disgusting to offer

money to find a wife?

Yeah.

Oh, gopher, i'm
the cruise director.

I'm just doing my job.

Well, our house has
certainly been a lot

quieter since you stopped
dropping by to see

Abigail every minutes.

Well, it's kind of
hard to drop by when

you move , miles away.

Hi.

Abby, it's so good
to see you again.

You look as beautiful as always.

Well, I think I'll run along.

You two have a lot
of catching up to do.

It's been a long time.

Abby, I've really missed you.

I missed you, too.

I forgot.

I should've brought
a yellow Rose,

you know, for old time's sake.

Still my favorite.

I always keep one in a bud
vase on my night table.

To remind you of me?

Hey, why don't you go
get in your swimming suit,

and we'll go swimming,
just like the old days?

Oh, no, I can't.

I, uh, hurt my shoulder
last week playing tennis.

Oh, well, uh, I
hope it won't keep

you from putting
your arms around me

tonight when we go dancing.

[Music playing]

Hi, Isaac.

Hi, Marilyn.

Hey, is there really
a guy on board offering

$ , to anybody
who'll find him a wife?

Right, and I'm the fellow
who's going to find him one.

You see, I got this plan,
and I need to find something

that will really impress him.

Well, I have a
lot of nice watches.

Yeah.

Let me have that one.

Oh, it's a nice one. $ .

bucks?

Mm.

I don't know.

Of course, it is an investment.

And I'll still have $ , left.

Ok, I'll take it.

But do me a favor.

Would you put a note in
it in your handwriting

that says, "I love you, Irene"?

Gotcha.

What's going on here?

Nothing.

I was just buying
myself a watch.

Is that so?

Mm-hm.

I think I'll buy myself
a watch, a more expensive

watch than his, please.

Ok.

I got a lot of them.

Let's see.

Here's one.

This is a nice one-- $ .

How much?

$ .

Ok, I'll take it.

And why don't you just put a
little card with that, Marilyn?

Wait a minute.

I thought you said you were
buying this watch for yourself.

I am.

I just wanted to put
a little card with it,

so I'll always remember
who gave it to me.

Would you like it giftwrapped?

No, it's a surprise.

[Music playing]

Wilfred.

Good evening.

Good evening, ladies.

Wilfred, how are you?

Say, wilfred, do you happen
to know what time it is?

My watch seems to have stopped.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I left my watch in my cabin.

Uh, girls, show Isaac and
gopher the gifts I got you.

Oh, what lovely gifts.

Nice.

Very nice.
- Hey, ladies.

Why don't go ahead, and
I'll join you in a minute?

Don't be too long.

I won't be too long.

Hey, goph.

Huh?

You just about got me in hot
water asking me about the time.

See, Gwen and Irene
bought me watches.

I didn't tell them, but I took
them back to the gift shop

and traded them
in for bracelets.

Quite frankly,
those watches were

a little cheap for my taste.

Be with you.

Cheap watches?

That watch cost more
than my first car.

Cost more than my last car.

But don't worry.

At least our girls are
still in the running.

Excuse me, wilfred.

I'd like you to
meet, uh, an admirer.

Arlene, wilfred.

I'll leave you two alone now.

Thank you, doc.

Excuse me, but
didn't I clearly hear

you say this afternoon
that matchmaking

is beneath my
professional dignity?

Yes, but then I looked it
up in the medical journal.

$ , is beneath my
professional dignity.

$ , 's in my ballpark.

Sorry.

I didn't realize they
changed the limits.

Uh, miss Simpson,
I think we might

as well get right to the point.

Oh, yes, sir.
Ready.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You don't have to
take any notes.

No, that won't be necessary.

Miss Simpson, as you
know, business is not

as good as it was last year.

Correct.

Profits are down . %.

And falling.

I'm going to have
to make some cuts.

I'm starting with your salary.

I'm cutting it in half.

Good, sir.

Mr. Easton: It's
criminal, I know.

And if you were to
stand up now and say,

"I quit," I would
understand perfectly.

Very good, sir?

Mr. Easton, a sense
of responsibility

and a feeling of pride in a job
well done mean more than money.

Besides, how could I
abandon you now when you're

on the brink of going under?

[Music playing]

[Cheerful chatter]

Hello.

Hi, Mel.

Hi, Mel.

[Inaudible]

Hm?

That guy dancing with the five
women-- is he the $ , man?

Marilyn: You guessed it.

The way he's drinking,
I think he's going to wind

up marrying all five of them.

[Music playing]

[Knocking]

Yes?

Jim: It's Jim.

Where were you for dinner?

I, uh--

I wasn't hungry.

I thought we
were going dancing.

I'm really tired.

Maybe tomorrow, ok?

Ok, see you tomorrow.

Jim?

Yeah?

Can you give me two minutes?

You can take all
the time you want.

You can even take three minutes.

[Music playing]

I can't believe
she didn't quit when

you cut her salary in half.

The woman's impossible.

She doesn't understand
the meaning of the word

"undercompensation."

Neither do I.

Look at that out there.

That's disgusting.

Well, they look like
they're just having fun to me.

But he should be with
me, going over the reports

and getting ready for
the meeting in acapulco.

Yeah, that sounds
like a lot more fun.

Men are all alike.

The minute you see a gorgeous,
voluptuous, single woman,

you just become animals.

Please.

So disgusting, I don't
even want to hear about it.

Excuse me, miss,
is this seat taken?

How dare you?

Take your hands off me.

Excused.

I didn't mean any harm.

All I did was this.

[Gasps] You animal.

Cindy, I just figured a way
to make miss Simpson quick.

I have to go now,
but believe me,

tomorrow the job will be yours.

Oh, Howie.

Is it ok if I come in
a little late, though?

I'm on vacation.

[Music playing]

Miss Simpson, there you are.

I've been looking
all over for you.

I'm sorry, Mr. Easton.

I didn't realize
you wanted to work.

I thought you were busy.

I don't want to work.

I want to be here in
the moonlight with you.

Are you feeling all
right, Mr. Easton?

Fine.

[Inaudible]

I think, perhaps, you've
had a little too much wine.

But I haven't had any.

But what a wonderful idea!

I'll order a bottle.

Your cabin or mine?

Maybe it's something
they put in the food.

Miss Simpson, Doris,
darling, I'm mad for you,

and I can't hide it any longer.

Mr. Easton, please.

What's gotten into you?

You.

You're in my blood,
pulsating every artery,

pounding every [inaudible].

Mr. Easton, are you mad?

Yes, I'm mad.

I'm mad with the desire for you,
and I can't wait any longer.

Neither can I.

I'm sorry I've burdened
you both with my problems.

Oh, we understand.

It's only natural
for a mother to be

concerned about her daughter.

She wouldn't even
leave the cabin tonight.

She's so afraid Jim will
learn about her brace.

Don't worry.

Youngsters always find a
way of working things out.

That's why they
call you the captain.

You're always right.

[Music playing]

You'd never know she
was even wearing a brace.

No, you wouldn't.

I'm so glad she told him.

Well, thank you both.

I think I'll slip out.

They might be a little
inhibited if they see me.

Why don't we all
take a walk on deck?

You know, we haven't
danced like this

together since I took you to
the junior high school prom.

I remember, I wanted
to hold you all night.

You still feel that way?

No.

Now I want to hold you forever.

[Gasps]

Abby, are you all right?

Is it your shoulder?

Yes, my shoulder.

Here, come on.

Come on.

[Music playing]

Do you want me to call a doctor?

No, no.

I'll be fine.

I'm sorry I ruined your evening.

No, come on.

Don't be ridiculous.

Can I get you anything?

No, please, Jim, I
just want to be alone.

Ok.

Well, if you feel
better in the morning,

I'll be up on the lido deck
early, you know, jogging.

Ok.

Hey, if you need anything
tonight, call me, ok?

I will.

Good night.

[Music playing]

[Crying]

Dum-dum.

Dum-dum-dum dum-dum dum.

You know, I have been
watching you all night.

Really?

Five beautiful girls?

How do you do it?

What's your secret?

Well, I'll tell you something.

What's your name?

Roy.

Roy.

I've got the greatest
little scam in the world.

See, I tell these--

I tell these suckers that i'm
going to give them grand

to find me-- find me a wife.

And then I just
sit back and relax.

And they break their neck
bringing me beautiful women.

Roy: Are you kidding?

You don't even want
to get married.

That's fine, you know,
and neither do I. I--

i-- i-- [inaudible] Get
five beautiful women

slipping into something
more comfortable.

Uh, Roy?

Mm-hm.

See you later.

[Music playing]

[Groaning]

Oy.

What a hit.

Where are they?

Hiya, sweetface.

Who are you?

Who am I?

Ha.

Listen, I married you, because
you were a real cute kid.

Boy, and have you
got a sense of humor.

This is gonna be real great.

[Smooching]

You married-- you married me?

Yeah.
[Knocking]

Come on in.

The door's open.

Here's your breakfast order.

Oh.

Well, well, well.

How's the happy bride and groom?

The gry-- gride and broom?

Bride and groom?

- Yes.
- You're kidding.

Now you're not going to tell
me you don't' remember getting

married in Ensenada last night.

[Laughing]

I don't remember Ensenada.

I don't remember last night.

I don't remember Ensenada.

Oh, yeah, hun.

It was really love
at first sight.

Ooh, you really swept
me off my feet, Romeo.

Hi, how's the happy couple?

Oh, great.

Oh, he asked me to hold
this for you for safekeeping--

your marriage license.
- Yeah.

Gopher: Now I know the
signature's a little shaky,

but heck, champagne
does that to you.

Ooh, yeah.

Oh, huh, wait 'til
you meet my six kids.

Boy, you're really
going to love them.

Isn't he gonna love 'em?

Six kids?

Yeah.

Yeah, but you don't have
to sweat it, babycakes,

because when my mom moves in
with us, she's-- she's really

great about this.

She'll take care of 'em.

Oy.

Hey, Abby.

Hi, Abby.

Hey, how's your
shoulder this morning?

Oh, fine.

Much better.

I was really worried
about you last night.

Oh, it's nothing.

After a good night's sleep,
I'm back to % normal.

Are you sure?

Well, I said so, didn't I?

I can do anything I want.

I can go dancing, jogging.

Wanna go swimming?

Well, it's kind of early.

Chicken.

Last one in is a rotten egg.

Look, Abby.

I-- kind of early.

Look, Abby, I mean
it's a little--

Jim!

[Gasping]

Abby!

Let's get you out of here.

Help!

Come on.

Let's get a doctor.

Come on, quick.

Abby, you'll be ok.

[Inaudible]

[Gasping]

[Music playing]

Oh, Howard, right here.

[Laughs]

Good morning, miss Simpson.

Miss Simpson?

Howard.

[Laughs]

I mean Doris.

You know, i'm--

I'm very concerned
about last night.

Don't be concerned.

I am not looking for
an engagement ring.

Oh?

My goodness.

I know profits are down.

A simple gold wedding
band will do just fine.

Come on now.

Come on, Doris.

It was just one kiss.

Howard, don't worry.

There are plenty more
where that came from.

Stretch your right arm up
just as high as you can stretch.

That's it.

I don't want to sound like
a nag, but going swimming

was a downright
stupid thing to do.

Mother, please.

I just want you to
promise to wear this

brace when you're supposed to.

Sure, what do you care
if it's ruining my life?

Abigail, we both care.

Now what you did really
could've hurt you.

I know the brace is
embarrassing and uncomfortable,

but in the long
run, it can improve

the quality of your life.

Please save the speeches.

There isn't one I haven't heard.

Don't be rude.

I'm sorry.

It's just that you
both don't understand.

Ok, ok.

I understand.

Ok, you're free to go now.

Here.

Thank you.

Let me help you off the table.

But Abigail, may I give
you a little free advice?

Tell Jim about the brace.

Once that's off your
mind, you'll just--

no, absolutely not, and
I forbid either of you

to tell him.

Abigail.

No, I don't want to see
him, and that's final.

Bronc is your kid
brother's name, huh?

Oh, no, no.

That's just his nickname.

His real name is bronco.

Mrs. Wilfred Davies.

Davies?

Davies?

Davies?

Davies.

Oh, yeah.

Davies.

Boy, if I died right now,
I'd die happy as a clam.

When I think we got maybe
, , years together,

boy, I'm so happy I could bust.

Oh, you know, I'd better
go call my parole officer.

I got to tell him the good news.

Parole?

What good news?

I'll see you
later, you big lug.

I got to get back to work.

[Inaudible] Work.
- Wilfred.

Wilfred.

Well, we really
hate to do this,

but you found your own wife, so
we have to return your money.

Yeah.

Well, thanks a lot.

It's-- hey, do you guys know
where I can get a divorce

real fast, fast, fast?

Oh.

Divorce?

Oh, no.

Well, there is Jose the
homewrecker in acapulco.

Yes, but Jose's
prices are so steep.

Mm-hm.

They're $ , .

$ -- $ , ?

Then, again, you and
Marie do make a cute couple.

I guess that's why--

here's .

Get it started.

When do I start
my new job, Howie?

Uh, Cindy, that's what I
want to talk to you about.

I'm afraid that
things haven't exactly

worked out the way I planned.

You mean she didn't quit?

Goodbye.

No, no, Cindy, wait.

Please, please.

I've made up my mind,
and after the meeting

is over in acapulco,
I'm going to fire her.

You told me you
could never do that.

But I changed my mind.

Now please, don't
worry your pretty

little body-- head about it.

After tonight, the job is yours.

And the rest of the
night will be ours.

[Laughs]

[Music playing]

Jim: Mrs. Hensinger,
how's Abigail?

I tried to see her, but she
won't open her cabin door.

She's resting.

You know, we were very
lucky this morning, Jim.

If you hadn't been there,
she might have drowned.

Her shoulder's really
giving her trouble, isn't it?

Should-- yes.

Yes, it is.

But I still don't understand
why she won't see me.

She's had a very trying day.

She doesn't have another
boyfriend, does she?

No.

Well, I'm glad about that.

Listen, is there
anything I can do?

Just give her time.

Morning.

Oh, good morning [inaudible].

Now, would you
excuse us, please?

Sure.

He still doesn't know.

Maybe I should have told him.

Would you have?

No, I can't break the
trust of the doctor-patient

relationship.

Should I have?

Mm-mm.

That'd be going against
an even stronger trust--

the mother-daughter
relationship.

I just love having my hair
done and getting in a facial.

Oh, and could you just send
the bill to my new boss,

Mr. Howard Easton?

Well, actually, he's
not my boss yet,

but he will be as soon as he
fires his prissy old secretary.

He's going to fire her tonight.

So does anybody know
why I called you all here?

We're all getting raises?

It's worth a try.

Mr. Wilfred Davies informed
me that when he woke up

this morning, he found
himself married to a woman

he didn't know.

[Laughs]

Any comments?

Not all at once, please.

Well, sir, actually, wilfred
just thinks he's married.

Isaac: You see, sir, he wasn't
going to pay anybody anything.

He tricked us into
getting girls for him.

Oh, I see.

So matchmakers anonymous
decided to teach him a lesson.

Yeah, we got Marilyn to
pretend to be his wife.

Captain stubing:
And when were you

planning to tell him the truth?

The second we got to acapulco.

Or the second we got in trouble
with you, whichever came first.

I think the second
second came first.

[Music playing]

Male announcer:
Attention, please.

We will be docking in
acapulco in minutes.

Miss Simpson, we're both
civilized human beings,

so I know that
you'll understand.

You're fired.

No.

Miss Simpson, we're
mature adults.

You're fired.

[Knocking]

Oh, Mr. Easton, I quit.

What?

What do you mean?

You can't quit.

We're in acapulco.

We have a meeting in one hour.

No, Mr. Easton.

You have a meeting in one hour.

I'm going parachuting.

Miss Simpson, Doris, please?

You can't do this to me.

Mr. Easton, Howard, you're
only getting your wish.

Didn't you want to get rid
of your prissy old secretary?

Yes.

I mean no.

I mean-- what do you mean?

I'm sure cute little
Cindy [inaudible]

Who can explain it to you.

Of all the despicable,
ungrateful, irresponsible,

unprofessional things.

Well, I wouldn't hire that
woman back if she came crawling

in on her hands and knees.

[Knocking]

Miss Simpson, I forgive you.

Oh, Cindy.

Oh.

Do you like it, Howie?

Oh, yes.

I love it.

Miss Simpson quit.

You're going to start
work as of right now.

Oh, goody.

Let's take a coffee break.

Later, Cindy.

We have work to do.

I want you to type up the
agenda for the meeting.

Ok, Howie.

Boy, this is going
to be so much fun.

You can type, can't you?

Well, of course, I can, silly.

Agenda.

A g e n d a.

[Music playing]

Yes?

Oh, may I help you?

Yeah, I'd like--

I think I'd like
a dozen red roses,

some of those blue
ones over there,

and a couple of these
things, and send

them to my wife,
Mrs. Wilfred Davies,

cabin , promenade deck.

Well, you're really
a thoughtful husband.

Wilfred: Not really.

I-- see, I'm just hoping
flowers will soften the blow.

Poor kid.

I'm divorcing her when
we get to acapulco.

Oh.

Well, I'm sure
she'll get over it.

I hope so.

Wilfred, we've been
looking all over for you.

We've got good news for you.

You won't have to
pay for the divorce.

How can i-- how
can I not pay for--

because you're not married.

Isaac: Remember
when you got loaded,

and you started popping
off about how you

were making suckers out of us?

Well, the suckers decided
to make one out of you.

We never even
stopped in Ensenada.

You know, I should really be--

I'm not upset at all.

You made me the happiest
man in the world.

Really?

What about my wife?

Where'd you find my wife?

Hey, babycakes, does this
mean you're going to cancel

the order for the flowers?

[Laughing]

Female announcer: Welcome
to beautiful acapulco--

snorkeling, parachuting,
white beaches,

chic boutiques, and glittering
discotheques await you.

Bien tiempo.

Senor Martinez: I'm a little
concerned, Mr. Easton.

Are you sure that I
have enough coverage?

For instance, what insurance do
we have on the veracruz plants?

You insure your plants?

Gee, I've got this
cactus in my living room.

I never thought of taking
out insurance on them.

[Laughing] That's very
funny, Cindy, but no time

for jokes now, please.

Jokes?

Cindy.

Mr. Easton, what ever happened
to your previous secretary,

the bright one?

Oh, well, she--
she couldn't make it.

The veracruz policy-- I know
it's right here somewhere.

And find my personal
insurance policy, too, please.

Right away, senor Martinez.

Cindy, do you know
where you put that?

Oh, yes, sir.

I filed it under p-i-p-s-m.
That's personal insurance

policy senor Martinez.

I'll get it.

No, no, no.

You better-- oh, Cindy.

Excuse me one second.

Cindy, this is not working out.

What do you mean, Howie?

I mean that you're fired.

Fired?

Well, if you fire me,
then tonight is off.

Get it?

I get it, and
you're still fired.

I am?

Well, good.

I'm glad I'm not
working for you anymore.

You're too cranky.

I'm terribly sorry,
senor Martinez,

but good help is so
hard to find at sea.

Now veracruz, veracruz.

I know that's here somewhere.

Uh-huh.

Buenos dias, senor Martinez.

Como esta, usted?

Bien, gracias.

I just came in to say hello.

Thank you.

Miss Simpson,
you wouldn't happen

to know where the veracruz
policy is, would you?

Right here under your nose.

It is a pleasure to see
you again, miss Simpson.

Why, thank you,
senor Martinez.

It is a pleasure
to be appreciated.

Ha ha ha ha.

Female announcer: We hope you
enjoyed your stay in acapulco.

Our next stop is the
port of Los Angeles.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Are you all right?

Yeah, i'm-- I'm ok.

If you don't
mind my saying so,

I think you've
been acting really

wimpy about a little
shoulder problem.

Abby, I came ,
miles to see you.

You're right.

How about a big hug
for old time's sake?

That's better.

What is that?

What are you wearing?

The wimp is wearing a
brace from here to here,

and it's not for my shoulder.

It's my spine.

I'll be wearing it hours a
day for the next three years.

You don't have to stay.

Well, thanks.

Yeah, you're right.

It's sort of a turn-off.

Abby, you should've told me
about that a long time ago.

I wouldn't have even bothered
to make the trip at all.

I can't believe I loved you.

I can't believe it.

The thing isn't permanent.

I mean I'm going to get better.

Compared to a lot of
other people, I'm lucky.

I'd love you even
if it was permanent.

Abby, I've always loved you.

I just had to say
something to make you stop

feeling sorry for yourself.

Jim.

[Music playing]

Mr. Easton: Oh, miss Simpson.

Miss Simpson: Oh, Mr. Easton.

I, uh--

I want to thank you for
bailing me out of that meeting

this afternoon.

Oh, there's no need
to thank me, Mr. Easton.

It would have been
unprofessional of me

to leave you in
a spot like that.

Oh, you could never
be unprofessional.

By the way, would you consider
it unprofessional to have

a nightcap with me?

Very.

I'd love to.

Oh.

Ah, it's my former husband.

Hello.

Hello.

Hey, about our,
uh, our wedding--

our wedding night, I was
wondering if, uh, well, if you

and i-- if anything really--

well, if anything
happened that i--

I should remember.

Absolutely nothing.

Nothing?

No, you were out
cold all night.

Sorry.

Terrible way to start
a marriage, isn't it?

Yeah, well.

It's been a
disaster right away.

Uh, I was wondering, are
you married in real life?

No.

You were my first husband, too.

It's kind of a flop too, huh?

After all this,
are you married?

No.

Nope.

Well, that's good.

Wilfred: That's good.

You know all those--

you know all those
kisses you were showering

on me when I was waking up?

Yeah.

You liked that, eh?

I, uh--

I think I have a lot
of catching up to do.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Well, I owe you about or .

We sure do have a lot
of catching up to do.

[Music playing]

Thanks for sailing with us.

Oh, miss nevin, are you anxious
to get back to your typewriter?

Oh, I'm no longer
a typist, Julie.

My old boss called
me last night.

I got a promotion.

Oh, how exciting.

What are you going to be doing?

Well, starting tomorrow, I
am the executive vice-president

in charge of coffee.

Regular coffee.

I'll have an
assistant for instant.

Oh, bye.

Hello.

Well, I see you two managed
to squeeze in a little pleasure

after all.

More than a little.

Whoever said you shouldn't
mix business with pleasure

never met Howard.

Bye, doc.

Thanks for everything.

Yes, thank you, doctor, and
especially for helping Abigail.

She's come a long
way on this cruise.

I didn't do anything.

Jim here deserves the credit for
bringing Abby out of her shell.

Well, that's what
good friends are for.

I don't want you as a friend.

I want you as a son-in-law.

Mom.

Let's go.

Adam: Bye bye.

Thank you, captain.

I had a marvelous
cruise, and I enjoyed

almost everything [inaudible].

Looks like it might
have a happy ending.

Captain, wilfred promises
to have me back in time

for the next cruise, ok?

After that, it's,
uh-- it's up to her.

Gopher: Wilfred, you
sure you have everything?

Wilfred: Sure do.

Everything I need.

Well, you know,
it must be true love

when a man forgets $ , .

Oh.

[Theme music]