04x20 - Quiet, My Wife's Listening/Eye of the Beholder/The Nudist from Sunshine Gardens

[bunniefuu]

[THEME TUNE STARTS]

♪ Love

♪ Exciting and new

♪ Come aboard

♪ We're expecting you ♪ And love

♪ Life's sweetest reward

♪ Let it flow

♪ It floats back to
you ♪ The Love Boat

♪ Soon will be
making another run

♪ The Love Boat

♪ Promises
something for everyone

♪ Set a course for adventure

♪ Your mind on a new romance

♪ And love

♪ Won't hurt anymore

♪ It's an open smile

♪ On a friendly
shore ♪ It's love

♪ Welcome aboard ♪ It's love ♪

Hi. Welcome aboard.
Your names, please?

George Crichton.

And Miss Nancy Atwell.

Mr. George Crichton,
Memphis, Tennessee.

You're in Aloha .
Have a nice cruise.

BOTH: Thank you.

And Mr. Crichton, I
have a telegram for you.

Who'd be sending me a telegram?

Maybe it's about the
divorce agreement.

Huh!

How about that? My
wife bugged my office.

NANCY: Oh, come on, George.
It could have been anybody.

No, it was Sarah, all right.

[CHUCKLES] She's pushing
for a larger settlement.

Sarah believes you can
get blood out of a stone.

She already got the blood.
Now she's looking for the stone.

Drop dead, Sarah!
You'll never get me!

Your cruise brochure said your
cabins were newly renovated.

I hope you remembered
to pad the walls.

This just might
be Callie Reason.

The booking office
said to watch out for her.

- Miss Reason?
- Yes?

How do you do? I'm Burl
Smith, the assistant purser.

I have your cabin
assigned for you.

No point telling it
to me, Mr. Smith.

I'd bump into too many
walls trying to find it.

You'd better give it to my seeing-eye
lady, if she's anywhere around.

I'm right here, and you know it.

I'm Dora Haley.

How do you do, ma'am?
You're in Promenade .

Just through those doors.

Miss Reason, if I can
do anything for you...

What I mean is, if there's
anything special that you want,

I'm Isaac Washington.

Yes, there's something
special I want.

I want you all to
just leave me alone.

And right now, Dora, I
want to go to my cabin.

I don't know who
that young lady is,

- but she doesn't really mean all of that.
- What do you mean?

Poor girl's just hitting out
at everybody in frustration.

Doesn't seem fair, does it?

I'm Allan Christensen.

Isaac Washington, Gopher Smith.

How do you do, sir?

Ah, Mr. Christensen, you're
on Fiesta Deck, cabin .

Do you think you could
change that for me?

I think I'd prefer something
on the Promenade Deck.

- Hello.
- Hi. I'm Cathy Somms.

Let's see. Yes, Cathy Somms,
Sunshine Gardens, New Jersey.

- You're on the Aloha Deck, cabin .
- Thanks.

Sunshine Gardens
sounds like a beautiful town.

Oh. It's not a town.
It's a nudist camp.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Carson. Wendell. Wendell Carson.

Oh, yes. Mr. Carson,
welcome aboard.

You're on the Aloha
Deck, cabin .

Thank you. Tell
me, did I hear right?

Did that young lady just
say she was a nudist?

Oh, well, no, not exactly. She said
that she came here from a nudist camp.

Do you object to nudists?

Oh, no!

I believe firmly in everybody's
right to self-expression.

[HORN BLASTS]

[CHEERING]

George.

George, are you ready
to come out and play?

[WHISPERING] I know
Sarah has bugged this cabin,

but there are no
microphones in the bathroom.

Good.

Why would there be
a microphone in there?

- Shh!
- No, I will not "shh!"

George...

you told me

that we were going to have this
wild and wonderful time on this cruise.

- We will. We will.
- [CHUCKLES]

But we have to whisper.

No. I will not whisper for
three days and two nights.

Shh!

[STILTED] Miss Atwell,
my divorce is not final yet.

Therefore we must be...

what we appear to be.

Just very good friends...

enjoying an
innocent relationship.

You're not being rational.

Why would your
wife bug our cabin?

Look, I have a woman judge
trying my case. She hates men.

Now, if my wife ever gets evidence
that I've been having an affair,

I'll be lucky to get
out with my shorts.

I'll see you on deck
when you finish your hunt.

Ah, yes, anyone who
knows my little Sarah...

Hi.

Miss Reason, I'm talking to you.

I'm blind, not deaf.

- I heard you.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Do you mind if I sit with you?

- I'd rather you didn't.
- Well, I just thought that...

Look, Mister...
whatever your name is.

Allan. Allan Christensen.

I'll make it short and
sweet, Mr. Christensen.

I'd like to be alone, OK?

I didn't mean to upset you.

I'm not upset.

I'm just not in the mood for
sympathetic conversation.

- Do you mind?
- Not at all.

I just want to be left alone.

I'm perfectly self-sufficient.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Goodbye, Miss Reason.

The Love Boat strikes again.

Two Margaritas and
it's "Your place or mine?"

I'll have two Margaritas.

Hi, guys. Anybody ever hear of
the expression "naked as a jaybird?"

Sure.

But not for a long time.

That's a misnomer, Julie. A
jaybird is not actually naked.

Oh, well, then, there's a misnomer
soaking up the sun on the fantail.

You mean there's
somebody back there naked?

As a jaybird.

You mean zip?

Zip.

Captain, I'll straighten
this matter out.

Hold it! Hold it.

I don't think you understand.

Isaac here is a bartender.
He handles the bar.

You're a doctor. You
handle the doctoring.

I'm the purser. I handle
the nudists, right, Captain?

Gopher, just take care
of it quickly and tastefully.

Don't worry, sir.

And Gopher, use some discretion.

I don't want a mob
scene on the fantail.

Now hear this!

No one follow me.

We are painting the fantail.
Wet paint all over the deck.

I'm allowed because
these are old shoes.

You're staring, Mr. Christensen.

Haven't you ever seen someone
trying to read Braille before?

It's Allan. And how did
you know it was me?

You wear a very
distinctive cologne.

Oh, that's quite
a nose you have.

Well, they'd like you to
believe that being blind

is supposed to sharpen
all your other senses.

- That's fascinating.
- Not from where I sit.

And if you're going
to say "I'm sorry..."

Don't tell me you
can hear me think too?

No. That doesn't
come with the territory.

Miss Reason...

As long as we're
talking, the name is Callie.

Will you have dinner
with me tonight, Callie?

- Hold it.
- Did I say something wrong?

Just don't be a Boy Scout.
I've got all the help I need.

Oh, I wasn't
trying to be helpful.

You're a very beautiful
woman, and I'd be honored.

I assume you do eat.

How about it? Dinner?

- Well, I...
- DORA: Callie?

Are you all right, Callie?

Fine.

Allan, this is Dora Haley.

Dora, this is Allan Christensen.

- How do you do?
- How do you do, Dora?

It's about time to
dress for dinner.

It's hard to convince her
that she's just a hired hand.

She thinks she's my mother.

No, what I think is,

I should have a chair
and a whip to handle you.

Allan, you've got
a date for dinner.

Oh, that's great.

Uh... Miss.

Miss!

Uh... Miss? Hi.

- Hi, Miss.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- I'm Cathy.

Hi, Cathy. Hi.

It's all right, don't get up.

What's the matter?
You look pale.

Uh, well... I pale easily.

You're not embarrassed, are you?

Oh! No, I'm not embarrassed.

- I'm not, uh...
- That's good.

You know, my father founded a
nudist camp in Sunshine Gardens

so that people could get away
from the hypocrisy of clothes.

It's almost a religion with us.

Oh, hey, me too. I'm devoutly
in favor of getting naked.

- Then why don't you join me?
- I can't.

Uh, I... I freckle.

Um... Cathy, you
know what's sad?

Not everybody has the
healthy attitude that we do

about how... religious
it is to go starkers.

What are you trying to say?

Well, I hate to do it,

but I'm gonna have
to ask you to put on...

at least a bikini.

[SCOFFS] I'd never
wear one of those!

They're the most disgusting,
immoral garments ever made.

I mean, you have
to admit it yourself.

They don't hide sex,
they emphasize it.

Only if they're made right.

Look, please, really, this is
my job, and I don't like to do it,

but if I could just...

Oh!

[LAUGHING] Oh, come on!

You must have seen
a female body before.

I thought I had,
but I was wrong.

- WENDELL: I thought so!
- I didn't touch her!

- Are you forcing her to put clothes on?
- Oh, well, I...

No, really. I've had
enough sun for the day.

Look, you're a fare-paying passenger
just like everybody else on this ship,

and you're entitled to your share of
deck space to do with what you wish.

Now, you give them an inch...

That's all I'm asking
for, an inch! Two, tops.

You have your rights under
the First Amendment, Miss, uh...

- Cathy.
- Right. Cathy.

Now, we'll take this to the
Supreme Court if necessary.

CATHY: Are you an attorney?

As a matter of fact,

Wendell Carson Esquire,
Freedom Rights Council.

Miss... Cathy will be down
here tomorrow morning

to sunbathe... without her robe.

- Right, Cathy?
- Absolutely.

And if you try to stop
her, this ship and you

will be slapped with a
million-dollar lawsuit.

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

Isaac...

give me a double Scotch
and be ready for a refill.

Coming up.

Uh... Is anything wrong?

Sure is. I've got to
get out of my cabin.

- What's wrong with your cabin?
- There's a bug in it.

Well, Mr. Crichton, I'd
say that you outweigh him.

- Why don't you make the bug move out?
- This is serious, Isaac.

My wife planted a
microphone in my room.

Oh.

How much trouble would
it be to get another cabin?

Impossible. This
cruise is all sold out.

Why don't you have someone
come to your cabin and scan it?

Hmm?

Have someone scan your
cabin for listening devices.

Oh, it's very simple.

We're in the middle
of the Pacific Ocean.

It's a little difficult to just
send out for someone.

Well, it just so happens there's
an electronics expert on board.

And you're speaking to her.

- You are?
- Uh-huh.

You... wouldn't have your scanning
equipment with you, would you?

As a matter of fact, I do.

You see, I was supposed to do
this job when we stop in Mazatlán.

Yeah? Could you go down
to my cabin right after dinner

and do whatever
you do with bugs?

Well, I don't think that...

Come on, please.

- Well... maybe I could...
- Oh, thank you, Miss...

Vail. Marion Vail.

You're saving my life.

Did you hear that, Sarah?
You're finished. Finished!

I tell you, finished. Finished!

It's a lovely ship, isn't it?

And everybody looks so nice.

Even in clothes.

Incidentally, I haven't
had a chance to thank you

for coming to my defense.

I believe in a person's
right to self-expression.

Then you may have another
chance to defend me tomorrow.

It's my pleasure.

Good.

- Now, how about a little walk on deck?
- OK.

They tell me it's a great
place for self-expression,

even at night.

- Sir.
- Hmm?

Just getting up over there.

Oh, so that's our nudist.

A very attractive young lady.

And you're seeing
her with her clothes on.

I want you to know, Gopher,
that you did an excellent job

handling a potentially
embarrassing situation.

Congratulations.

The captain thinks you
have everything under control.

It's an ugly situation.

If I don't stop her, the
captain will come down on me.

And if I do,

I get sued for a million bucks.

A million bucks?

And Isaac, I'm going to tell you
something I've never told anyone.

OK.

- Keep this in the strictest confidence.
- You got it.

I don't have a million dollars.

Well, maybe you could raise it.

If she goes through with the
nudie bit, you could sell tickets.

Somehow, you don't sound like a
rancher. Tell me about your place.

Right now, I'd
rather talk about you.

Well, up until ten months
ago, I was a designer.

Very high fashion and...

Mmm! Food's here.
Smells wonderful.

Steak is at six o'clock.

Potatoes at three, and there's a
mess that runs from nine to twelve.

I think it's succotash.

[LAUGHS] Oh, Allan,
you're something else.

Oh, that's a beautiful sound.

I was beginning to think I
was never going to hear it.

Well, I haven't had too
much to laugh at lately.

We're gonna have to do
something about that, aren't we?

Everything looks so good. What
are you going to have, darling?

What are you doing?

Sarah just might have had
somebody bug this flower vase.

I wouldn't put it past her.

Sarah, if you can hear me,

you're not going to get one penny
more than our lawyers agreed on.

And you know why?
Because I'm innocent.

Miss Atwell and I are just
very good friends. Tell her!

George, there are
people staring at you!

Ah!

I was just talking to the ashes
of my poor, dearly-departed wife.

Well, she was a
very small woman.

George, you're absolutely
ruining this cruise for me.

I thought it was going
to be romantic and...

It'll be romantic as soon
as we get the bugs out.

Good evening, Mr. Crichton.

Oh, just the person
I was looking for.

I need this scanned.

Marion is an electronics expert.

- I'm sure.
- She is.

George, would you please come
and sit down at your own table?

Just a second.

Well, what do you
think of this olive?

The way they're
making transistors today,

there could be a whole radio
station right there in that pimento.

Are you in there, Sarah?
Sarah, are you here? Sarah?

Well, unless I start spouting
the eight o'clock news,

that was an innocent olive.

And because of that, I feel
that freedom of expression

is one of the most important issues
of our time. I feel very deeply about it.

You're fascinating, Wendell.
I love to hear you talk.

You do?

You're like a... crusader.

Like a...

knight on a white charger,
going around protecting people.

I've really enjoyed
this whole evening.

- Yeah, me too.
- GOPHER: Ah, there you are!

I have the answer to
our problem, Cathy.

Look, a nice little sunlamp.

Now you can stay right in your
cabin, get all the tan you want.

No fuss, no muss, no problem.

No dice.

Miss Somms will be on the sun
deck at o'clock tomorrow morning.

- Good night, Cathy.
- Good night.

Good night, Wendell.

He's really very
nice. I like him a lot.

Do you really think he'd slap
a million-dollar lawsuit on me?

Definitely.

Well, then, won't you
reconsider... please?

Well, I'm sorry I can't
be more convincing.

It's just that I've had
absolutely no training

in how to talk a pretty girl
into keeping her clothes on.

George!

Just a minute, hon.

I'm waiting for you.

George, what are you doing?

I thought I'd found a
hidden microphone wire.

But it was only a
bump in the carpet.

- [KNOCK AT DOOR]
- What's that?

I ordered a bottle of champagne.

Because even if you can't
remember to be romantic, I can.

[KNOCKING]

George, the least you
can do is answer the door.

Oh.

Hi. Remember me?

Oh, am I glad to see you!

Now, why don't you
start behind the bed?

Would you mind getting out of
there just for a minute, please?

No!

I will not get out of
here just for a minute.

- [BEEPING]
- I came on this cruise with you

because you said we were going
to have such a lovely time together,

just the two of us. And
now, all of a sudden,

- it's you, me and an engineer!
- [FRANTIC BEEPING]

MARION: I found it.

Aha! I knew it!

I knew that money-hungry
Sarah would bug this cabin.

Well, OK.

We found it. The
problem's over, right?

Wrong. If there's one
bug, there's got to be more.

You're right, George. There
is another bug... and you're it.

You're crazy.

Look, I have a solution.

Why don't the two of you
both trade cabins with me?

That way, if there is
another bug, it won't matter.

What a great idea!

No, it is not a great idea!

This is my cabin and I
am staying right here.

Why don't we start by
eliminating her as a suspect?

[BEEPING]

Nancy, I'm happy to
tell you you're clean.

I'm getting out of this asylum!

You're both crazy.

And first thing tomorrow,
I'm leaving this ship...

and you.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

Allan, you're making me feel guilty.
You should be out there dancing.

You're right. The two of
us should be out there.

Oh, I'm serious.

You've been very sweet, but I
don't expect you to baby-sit me

for the rest of the cruise.
Now go out there and enjoy.

- Now, Callie, you can't be that blind.
- What?

I am enjoying myself,
just being with you.

I wish I could see
what you look like.

You'd see a happy face.

Now, how about a dance, huh?

Allan, I'm not wearing
these glasses as a disguise.

So your sight's gone. But there's
nothing wrong with your feet.

And you've got fantastic legs.

Now, come on, how about a dance?

All right, you silver-tongued
devil, you asked for it!

Allan, I'm scared.

Don't worry. I'll be with you
every second. Now, come on.

The things I do to keep
you menfolk happy.

Callie looks like she's
having a real good time.

Yes. Allan had a good idea.

- Getting her up there is good therapy.
- Yeah.

I'd forgotten how
much I love to dance.

Allan! Where are you?

Allan, help me! Where are
you? Where did you go, Allan?

It's all right, Callie,
I'm here. It's all right.

- Get me out of here now!
- Callie, it's all right.

No, no, no, get
me out of here now!

I knew it. I never should
have let you talk me into this.

- Callie, come on...
- Don't say anything.

Just take me back to the cabin.

That's where I should've
stayed from the beginning.

JULIE: [OVER PA] Welcome to
Mazatlán. It's sunny and degrees.

Land tours will be
leaving in one half-hour.

- Please!
- Careful what you say, George.

Sarah may have bugged a
passing whale. Goodbye, George.

And I just want you to
know it has been... terrible.

- One more thing.
- What?

As you walked away, your
hair glistened in the sunlight.

And it suddenly occurred to me that
Sarah might have bugged your comb.

Hello?

Hello, Sarah?

It's no use, Allan. She
won't see anybody.

She can't spend the rest
of the cruise in her cabin.

But you know our friend
Callie. She just might.

That was Allan, wasn't it?

It still is.

Allan, please go away.

Now, what did I do
that was so terrible?

It's not you! It's me.

- I'm no good to anybody.
- Don't I get a vote on that?

Oh, Allan, please, just let
me curl up here where it's safe.

Where no one can get at me.

- No.
- Why?

Come ashore with me, Callie.

Let me show you Mazatlán.

Oh, God! What are
you trying to do to me?

Show me Mazatlán?
How can I see it?

I'll see it for you, Callie.

I'll be your eyes.

- Don't you ever give up?
- Do you really want me to?

I don't know.

Come on.

Let's go see Mazatlán.

Trust me.

Cathy, come on! You cannot do this.
Will you please put some clothes on?

Why, Gopher?

I paid my fare and I'm getting
sun just like any other passenger.

Not quite.

Doc! Doc, I'm glad you're here.

- Doc, tell her the sun is bad for her.
- Hm?

Oh, ah... Gopher's right, Cathy.

The rays are very bad for you.

They can be very damaging,

drying out your skin, cause
blotching and wrinkles...

GOPHER: Hear that? The man's a
doctor. Has a diploma and everything.

On the other hand, it also
has vitamin D. Makes people...

Look over here, Gopher.

- [SHUTTER CLICKS]
- WENDELL: Thank you.

For your scrapbook?

- No, for the jury.
- Jury?

Evidence of discrimination
against Miss Somms.

Wait a minute! A
blanket is discrimination?

Gopher, I insist she
get the same treatment

- as everyone else.
- Wendell, believe me,

I'm treating her just as I would
any other naked passenger.

Right, Doc?

Doc!

Yeah, right. Yes.

Cathy, you don't have to
wear your robe. Take it off.

OK. I was just trying to save her
from imprisonment in a foreign jail.

- What are you talking about?
- We've now entered Mexican waters,

and they have very strict laws

about young ladies parading
around in their birthday suit.

And the laws prevail
here, Counselor.

How are you going to establish
her American rights on foreign soil?

Maybe he's got a point, Wendell.

Could put her away
for life, Wendell.

In this great country,
señor, even skinny-dipping

can throw you right
into El Slammer.

Well, we have plenty
of time on the trip home.

Sure. We can go
ashore and see the sights.

Good idea.

Much better than being one.

I did it!

All you did was
postpone the problem.

What are you going to do
when we get out of Mexico?

Well, Doc, you gotta look
at the situation optimistically.

- A lot of good things could happen.
- What?

Well, coming out of the harbor,
the ship could hit a rock and sink.

Or be torpedoed.

I'm due for some
kind of good luck.

- Oh, hello, Mr. Crichton.
- Oh, hello, Miss Vail.

Mr. Crichton,
I've been thinking.

We found that one bug
in your cabin last night,

but like you said, there is
always the possibility of another.

It doesn't make much
difference anymore.

Half of what they
wanted to overhear just...

got off the ship.

Oh.

I am sorry.

I guess maybe I should
have gotten off the ship too.

Being on a cruise
alone isn't much fun.

Yes, I know.

I'm finding that out.

Look, um... I don't
want to be pushy,

but as long as
we're both alone...

maybe we could have dinner?

Misery loves company.

- OK.
- Let's make it about seven.

And maybe you ought to get
there about minutes early

to check for microphones
in the minestrone.

Mr. Crichton, you
really don't think

your wife has planted more
bugs on the ship, do you?

Oh, yes.

But where?

Where?

JULIE: [OVER PA] All visitors
ashore, our ship sails in minutes.

ALLAN AND CALLIE: ♪
La cucaracha, la cucaracha

♪ Da da da da da da da!

♪ La cucaracha, la cucaracha ♪

Olé!

[BOTH HUM THE TUNE]

Now, what makes me
think you had a great time?

Oh Isaac, it was perfect!

- How did you know it was me?
- She never forgets a voice.

Ah. What can I get for you?

Dos Margaritas, por favor.

- She's also a linguist.
- Oh!

Right. Don't mess
around with Callie Reason.

Is this a private party
or can anyone sit in?

Oh, hi, Dora. How about a drink?

Do I always refuse?

You think you've heard Spanish
before? I'll show you Spanish.

Watch this, Isaac.

Make it tres Margaritas!

Fantastic!

Oh, Dora, I have
seen Mazatlán...

the way nobody's
ever seen it before!

And that's only the beginning.

Tonight I've arranged to show you a
moon that you're not going to believe.

I can't wait.

JULIE: [OVER PA] Ladies and gentlemen,
we hope you enjoyed your stay in Mazatlán.

Man, I've never been so
sorry to leave Mexico in my life.

Any minute, that nudie
and her lawyer boyfriend

are going to be
right up here on deck.

You're probably right. We're
already past the -mile limit.

WENDELL: Gopher,

for your information, Miss Somms
intends to sunbathe right now

and right here among
the other passengers.

Wait! Aren't you going to wait
until we're out of Mexican waters?

- We've been under way for over an hour.
- But slowly, Wendell, slowly.

There's an oil shortage. I
mean, we can't be that far out yet.

Oh, look, I can still
see the mountains.

And, uh... the church steeple...

and... the enchilada fields.

- I don't see them.
- Well, it's probably hazy where you are.

Ah, now, can't you just
hear that Mariachi band?

Ooh, the trumpet's
too much, huh?

- [GOPHER TRUMPETS]
- Forget it, Gopher.

- Cathy.
- May I make a suggestion?

We're not interested in
any more disapproval, Isaac.

Oh, I don't disapprove. I'm very
much in favor of self-expression.

But I think you're
blowing your best shot.

If Miss Somms disrobes here,

she's going to be put into
confinement until we reach port.

At sea, the captain
has complete authority.

There is no First Amendment.

So you wouldn't
be testing her rights.

You'd only be breaking the law.

Well, we still would
be making a statement.

Yes, sure, but wouldn't
it be much more effective

to do it in American waters,

where the First Amendment
is supposed to protect her?

Like tomorrow morning,

right as the ship is making its
approach into Los Angeles harbor?

It might be better.

I mean, I don't want to spend
the rest of the trip locked up,

and maybe for nothing.

OK. Then that's what we'll do.

- Hey!
- Hey!

You postponed it at
least until tomorrow.

Better than that. I
postponed it permanently.

Listen, tomorrow
morning at dawn,

we're going to be
hitting a rainstorm,

and that storm is going to
follow us all the way into port.

So they're out of business.

- Hey!
- Hey!

- Listen, I owe you. You saved me.
- Hey!

- Oh, sir.
- Yes?

About that little nudity
problem? Completely in hand.

Well, I'm glad to hear it.

That's the second piece
of good news I've had.

I've just received word that the
big rainstorm is going to miss us.

We'll be going into port tomorrow
morning under bright, sunny skies.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Nancy got mad because
I wasn't romantic.

And now that I feel
romantic, she's gone.

- Still miss her?
- No.

Maybe I feel romantic
because you're here instead.

Hey, what say after this dance,

we go down to my
cabin for a little nightcap?

That might be fun.

Mmm!

Oh, damn! I forgot. We can't.

My cabin may be bugged.

Well... there's always my cabin.

- Cheer up, Gopher.
- How can I?

If I don't stop the nudie, the
captain'll throw me over the side,

- and if I do...
- They sue you for a million bucks.

Well, maybe they could
take it out of my salary.

Two dollars a week.

How long would that take?

Including leap year?

Well, yeah. OK.

Oh Isaac, you had the
right idea. We radioed ahead.

There's going to be a helicopter
with photographers over the ship

as we enter the harbor.
Thank you, Isaac.

I never thought
they'd go that far.

There's got to be
a way to stop them.

OK, two dollars a week
for a year is dollars.

In ten years,
it's , dollars.

In years, it's
, dollars,

which means I would
only owe them $ , ,

unless of course I get a raise.

There is something that could
stop them. They seem to be in love.

Well, what good would
that do? So they get married

and raise a whole bunch
of sunburned kids. So what?

My suggestion is that you
buy a bottle of champagne.

- And get zonked outta my gourd, right?
- No, no, no. Send it to them.

Yeah. And maybe one
thing will lead to another...

Mm-hm, mm-hm!

And then let the
decision be theirs.

You're suggesting I
take my last pay check

and spend it on a bottle of
champagne for the nudie?

Yes.

Isaac, how come I'm the one
with all the mental pressure

and you're the one that's
having the mental breakdown?

Trust me. Have I ever
let you down before?

I'm overdue.

That moon is so big,
if you stood on tiptoe,

I think you could touch it.

And if you really want it...

I'll get it for you, Callie.

You're beautiful.

I mean it.

You're gentle and
you're good, Allan.

And your voice makes me
feel warm and protected.

I think we'd better go.

This is our last night.

Tomorrow it's back to reality.

I know. Let's not talk about
it. It'll be here soon enough.

I want to take you home with
me, Callie. Show you my ranch.

Maybe I can come
and visit someday.

Not someday,
and not for a visit.

I'm asking you to
marry me, Callie.

Don't say no yet.
Not till I finish.

You're what I've
wanted all my life.

Oh, dear, dear Allan.

Look at me!

I'm black and I'm blind.

Really look at me.

I am looking, Callie,
and what I see

is a beautiful woman...

a woman that I love.

It's not that simple.

What about other people?

What do you think folks in that
town of yours are going to say

when you tell them you
married a black woman?

We just won't tell them. We'll
say you're the new housekeeper.

Wonderful! And what do
you say to the preacher

when he finds out you're sleeping
with the new housekeeper?

I'll just tell him it's the only
way I can get you to do windows.

Oh, Allan!

I think you just made
me an offer I can't refuse.

Cathy, I think you're
a very special girl.

Very special.

In every way.

- Would you testify to that under oath?
- Yes, I would.

Well...

Good night.

Good night.

Wendell! Gopher sent a bottle
of champagne to my room.

- He did?
- Yeah.

The card says
it's for both of us.

So I really shouldn't
drink it alone.

No, that would be bad
manners, wouldn't it?

Yeah. Even under
the First Amendment.

You know, I really started
feeling less paranoid

about the bugging right
after Nancy left the ship.

I wonder if I was overreacting
because I really didn't want Nancy.

How do you feel now?

About as opposite as possible.

I'm glad.

I haven't felt this good
in a long, long time.

Maybe it's because
in your cabin...

I feel safe.

- Ah! There it is. Here it comes.
- [HELICOPTER WHIRRS]

GOPHER: Hey, it's
here. Bright and early.

- Oh, good.
- Thanks for the champagne, Gopher.

Oh, hey, my pleasure. We've
got a great day for it, huh?

Lots of good light. They'll be able
to get a lot of real sharp pictures.

You're gonna be in all the papers.
Something to start an album with, right?

And if you two ever
have a family, boy,

those kids will sure have something
to take to school for Show and Tell.

ISAAC: And the guys at the office
should get a kick out of it too, huh?

Oh, yeah, Cathy's picture
will probably be pinned up

on every bar room
wall coast to coast.

ISAAC: Let's just hope that somewhere
in there the First Amendment gets a plug.

Cathy, I don't think that
this is a very good idea.

Well, that is...

What I mean...

Uh...

I don't want everybody
looking at... Uh...

Uh... What I'm
trying to say is...

- You said it.
- I did?

Yeah.

I did.

Hey, he's got a telephoto lens.

Maybe some other time.

It's a little chilly this
morning for... self-expression.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Isaac, you are a genius, my man.

I know, I know. And there's
nothing I can do about it.

Marion!

Be right there.

Morning.

What the hell is this?

I'm a private detective.

Your wife hired me.

You bugged my cabin.

But why did you bug yours?

You couldn't
possibly have known...

I didn't.

I set this up for you
and your friend, Nancy.

That's why I offered the two
of you my cabin last night.

[CHUCKLES RUEFULLY]
All set up for old dumbo.

Well, congratulations.

My wife will be grateful.

- Check the plug.
- What are you talking about?

It's not connected.

Why?

I'm not sure I know.

It's just... It's kind of hard
to sabotage someone...

you like.

Like?

- Well, maybe a little more than that.
- What about my wife?

I guess I'll tell her
that I've resigned.

Sarah is counting
on a large settlement.

Without your evidence,
she's not going to get it.

Your case will drag on.

You may be married
for quite a while.

What are you doing?

Let's give her
some real evidence.

We just wanted to say goodbye
and thank you for everything.

It was a pleasure having you
aboard, Allan. You too, Callie and Dora.

I hope you had a good time.

Fair enough, I suppose. Considering
I lost my little girl to a rancher.

Stick around, Dora.
He might send me back.

Oh, I wouldn't worry
about that too much, Callie.

Not a chance. It's too hard
to find good help on a ranch.

And this hired help is going to be
the best little rancher you ever saw!

- Bye-bye.
- Goodbye.

Thanks for sailing with us.

- Isaac.
- Hey.

- Thanks for a wonderful trip.
- Out of sight.

And keep an eye out
for us. We may be back.

I hope so. And next time,

we'll make sure there aren't
any bugs anywhere on the ship.

Don't have to worry
about bugs anymore.

I've got my own exterminator.

- Gopher.
- Hello.

We wanted to say
goodbye... and thanks.

Without you, Wendell
and I might never have met.

Oh, it was my
pleasure. Some of it.

Well, I enjoyed all of it.

- Oh, Captain...
- Yes?

I must tell you how much
we enjoyed the cruise.

Thank you. I'm sorry
I was so busy this trip.

I wish I could have
spent some time with you.

Well, we might be coming
again... on our honeymoon.

STUBING: Good.

Well, maybe next time, I'll have
a chance to see more of you.