04x19 - Return of the Ninny/Touchdown Twins/Split Personality

[bunniefuu]

[THEME TUNE STARTS]

♪ Love

♪ Exciting and new

♪ Come aboard

♪ We're expecting you ♪ And love

♪ Life's sweetest reward

♪ Let it flow

♪ It floats back to
you ♪ The Love Boat

♪ Soon will be
making another run

♪ The Love Boat

♪ Promises
something for everyone

♪ Set a course for adventure

♪ Your mind on a new romance

♪ And love

♪ Won't hurt anymore

♪ It's an open smile

♪ On a friendly
shore ♪ It's love

♪ Welcome aboard ♪ It's love ♪

Good day. I'm
Nicholas R. Nelson.

Oh, I used to know a
Nick Nelson in school.

Hey! You are Nick Nelson.

Shh! Gopher, please
keep your voice down.

I barely recognized you.

How come you're dressed up to look
like Queen Victoria's insurance man?

If you promise to keep
your mouth shut, I'll tell you.

My boss is H. Arnold Hamilton, the
richest old businessman in America.

- You know the guy?
- Mm-hm.

OK, well I'm going to see to it

that he makes me the richest
young businessman in America.

- Ah!
- There he is right now coming aboard.

He looks exactly like you.

You're wrong, Gopher.

I came on this cruise to convince
Mr. Hamilton that I would be

the perfect executive
vice-president to him.

So, you see... he
doesn't look like me.

I look exactly like him.

- Ah... you're conning him?
- Check.

JULIE: Enjoy your cruise.

- Arnold Hamilton.
- Well, Mr. Arnold Hamilton,

I certainly hope you
enjoy your cruise.

If I don't, it won't be my fault.
It'll be the fault of the cruise line,

which is probably run the way

almost every other business is
run in this country... into the ground.

Where's the captain? I'm sure
he's looking forward to meeting me.

Well, sir, he's
right over there.

He's the one who's looking as if
he's looking forward to meeting you.

[JULIE CHUCKLES]

Glad to see you're on
board already, Nicholas.

Yes, sir.

Very stylish suit
there. Good taste!

Thank you, sir.

- Arnold Hamilton.
- Right you are, Captain.

Welcome aboard.

You've got your
work cut out for you.

Don't worry. I can handle it.

Oh, wow!

Gopher, who's that girl?

GOPHER: I don't know who she is.

- Let me help you with your suitcase.
- Nobody carries my suitcase.

Especially one who's
been exploited for centuries.

Right. But actually, I'm
a lot younger than I look.

Well, whoever she is,
remember this statement:

That's the girl
I'm going to marry.

Hmm. In that case, I'd better
go pick out your wedding gift.

I'd like to help
you with your bags,

but I don't want to interfere
with your individuality.

Why, that's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

[RAUCOUS LAUGHTER]

Father.

Oh, Captain, I'd like to have
you meet my daughter, Linda.

Well, it's my pleasure,
Miss Hamilton.

Tell me, Captain, why aren't
there more women sea captains?

Oh. Oh, well...

there will be when more
women become qualified.

You see, it takes a long time
to become a captain, and...

Hogwash!

Lovely girl.

Hello, Julie. Hello,
Doc. Hello, Vicki.

Who was that masked man?

I'm fine. How are you?

- April!
- What are you doing here?

You're supposed to be working
as a nanny in Beverly Hills.

I am. I just brought the children
down to wave their papa bye-bye.

[CHILDREN SHRIEKING]

[APRIL SPEAKS SPANISH]

This job. Wow!

I think I chew up more
than I can spit out.

You promised to behave myself.

It was his fault
for pulling my hair!

- She took my sapo!
- What's a sapo?

- His silly old toad.
- [CROAKS]

See? I'm teaching them
how to speak a Spanish.

- Nice.
- APRIL: Give it back to him.

- Wanna pet him?
- Um, I think Captain Merrill

has something he
wants me to do. I hope.

Would you mind
putting that thing away?

One passenger has a
toad, everybody wants one.

[APRIL SPEAKS SPANISH]

And don't let nobody
else see your sapo, OK?

- KIDS: Hi, Dad.
- Hi, guys.

Well, welcome
aboard, Mr. Younger.

- It's so nice to see you again.
- My pleasure.

How's America's most
famous sportscaster?

Well, fine, thank you.

I would like to introduce Miss
Michelle, my, uh... traveling companion.

Ha!

Oh, yes, Miss Lisa Michelle.
You're both on the Promenade Deck,

cabins and .
They're adjoining.

Ha!

Oh, boy! I'm gonna
miss you guys.

Hey, listen to me.

Now, I want you to take care
of yourselves, listen to April,

and please, be good!

- We'll be good, Daddy.
- Have we ever let you down?

[TY LAUGHS]

Ty, dear, I'm sure the children
must be tired and anxious to go home.

Right. Bye, babies.

Love you. Bye, April.
I'm counting on you.

Take good care of them.
And please, call me every day.

No sweats. But you watch out
for the iceberg and the barracuda.

- Where do you think I'm going?
- To an adjoining cabin.

- Bye, guys.
- Bye.

- Bye, Daddy.
- APRIL: Bye-bye.

See you later.

[SIGHS] Ay!

I don't know what
he sees in her,

but if he could
really see in her,

he would see it
wasn't worth seeing.

You see?

I do!

OK, kids, let's go.

Oh, no! [SHOUTS]

- How do you do, Miss...?
- Chase. And it's Mrs. Chase.

Did you happen
to lose Mr. Chase?

Yes, in an amicable
divorce about years ago.

Actually, I was looking
for my son and his friend.

Oh? Where are the little fellas?

Oh, there they
are, the little fellas.

They're large little fellas.

They certainly are.

Can you believe all the
great-looking girls getting on?

My mom gave us this cruise
to rest up after football season.

But we're going to
have to wear blindfolds.

What's the matter with you,
Billy? Is that all you ever think of?

What's the matter with
you? You never think of it.

Yeah. You'd be
surprised at what I think of.

[INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION]

Sometimes I surprise myself.

Yeah.

Gayle! Jerry!

Ay, ay, ay!

- [SPEAKS SPANISH]
- April!

April, you're still here?

Ay! Of course I'm still
here. I can't find the kids.

- Gayle! Jerry!
- We're sailing any minute.

I know, but I cannot
go without them!

[HORN BLASTS]

Well, it's too late now.

Ay Chihuahua! Now I'm really
up a creek without a poodle!

Gayle! Jerry!

Nicholas, if we're going to
be working together so closely,

you don't have to
call me Mr. Hamilton.

You can call me Mr. H.

Thank you, sir.

But, frankly sir, I prefer
to call you Mr. Hamilton,

to constantly remind myself of
the vast differences between us

in experience and wisdom.

I understand how you feel.
That's all for now, Nicholas.

Yes, sir.

- Sir... may I ask you a favor, sir?
- Yes, of course. What is it?

Well... [CLEARS THROAT]

You see, sir, I have
so much respect for you

that when we part, saying goodbye
seems somehow inadequate.

I have this irresistible
urge to salute you.

Well, Nicholas, I think a
respectful salute now and then

could be kind of fun. But...

since we live in a democracy,
you'd better only salute me in private.

[WHISPERING] Yes, sir!

- Ah, here we go, Mr. Hamilton.
- Thank you, Isaac.

Why must it always be
"Mr. Hamilton" and "Isaac?"

Why can't it sometimes
be "Arnold" and "Isaac?"

Or "Arnold" and
"Mr. Washington?"

Ah, that has a nice ring to it.

Just kidding, Mr. Hamilton.

I know you're just kidding, Isaac.
But to answer your question, Linda,

there's a very good reason
why I call Isaac "Isaac"

- and Isaac calls me "Mr. Hamilton."
- Oh, really. What is that reason?

It's because he's Isaac

and I'm Mr. Hamilton.

Hmm.

Yes.

Yes, Captain.

Yes, I'll have the activities
schedule posted right away. Yes.

- [KNOCK AT DOOR]
- Come in.

Yes. Yes.

Oh, no!

Oh, no... more to
report, sir. Yes. Goodbye.

Julie, we have a little problem.

A little problem?
April, what happened?

Well, some people miss the boat,

but I missed the land.

Oh, Julie, I couldn't
help it. I lost the kids.

I couldn't leave the
ship without them.

- What were you doing in the dining room?
- Looking for my toad. It's lost.

In the dining room? Great!

He could get crushed.

So could you when
I tell to your papa!

Ay! Your papa!

I'd better call him
and break him gently.

All right, let me get him
on the phone for you.

Hello. Yes, could you get Mr. Younger's
cabin for me, please? Thank you.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello?
- Mr. Younger? Guess who.

April? Is everything all
right? How are the kids?

Oh fine, fine. They are fine. They
couldn't be better. Everything is fine.

Oh, well, you had me
worried for a moment.

I know I told you to
call me every day,

but I didn't expect to
hear from you so soon.

- Listen, Mr. Younger...
- April, I want you to know

that without you, I never would
have been able to take this vacation.

But thanks to you, I can get a good
rest and know that Gayle and Jerry

are safe and sound at home.

- But...
- And I really appreciate it.

Don't mention it.

Well, I'd better get off. This
call must be very expensive.

It's not so bad. Not so bad.

Bye, and give the
kids my love, OK?

Sure. You betcha.

Bye.

Julie! Oh, Julie, he
think we are home.

If I told him the truth, I would
have spoiled his vacation.

But April, he's got to find out
you're on the ship sooner or later.

Look, the ship docks in
Ensenada tonight, no?

Yeah. So?

So we will stay in the
cabin until we dock.

I have many
relatives in Ensenada.

We'll sleep over with them
and go back home mañana.

Please, Julie. It's for
him... it's not for us.

Well... why not?

[SHRIEKING] Ay! Muchas
gracias! Muchas gracias!

Oh, thank you.

Hey, Gopher, how you doing?

You know that pretty girl
you fell in love with at first sight

- when you were boarding?
- Yeah. What about her?

She is driving the crew so
crazy asking them questions

about their working conditions,
they can't even get their work done.

- Here she comes.
- Just a second, sailor.

Don't ever let me catch
you calling me "sir" again.

You're just as good as any other passengers
on this ship, and don't ever forget it!

At ease.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Hi.

I hate to have anybody feel
inferior to me, even if he is.

Oh, I know just what you mean.

Gee, you look great.
May I buy you a drink?

Oh, well, I don't know.

Listen, I don't care
much for liquor myself.

But think of all the distillery
workers we'll be helping.

Well, when you
put it that way...

Come on, have a seat.

Bartender, could we have
another one of these, please?

Thank you.

Hey, Mom, this is really great.

Well, what do you say, buddy?
Let's check out the area for girls.

Huh? Oh, no, no. You know,
I came here for a little rest.

Well, OK. But you
know what that means.

I get the first-draft choice and
you get the second-string girl.

So don't blame me if she
looks like Terry Bradshaw.

Oh, boy. Hi.

Well, Frank.

Do you have a girlfriend back
home that you're being loyal to?

Oh, no. No, not really. Why?

Oh, I just thought maybe
that's why you weren't interested

in meeting any of the
pretty girls here on the boat.

Oh, no. It's not that.

It's just that... I'm just kinda
bored with younger girls.

Bored? At your age?

Well, I'm a year older
than Billy, you know.

I'm old enough to be
bored if I want to be bored.

Oh, I'm sure you are.

But, if you're lucky, you'll
never be bored at any age.

I'm sure the right one
is out there somewhere,

and when she comes
along, you'll know it.

Oh, yes, I agree with you.

Definitely.

You seem unusually
happy tonight, Linda.

Have you heard a rumor that
the crew is planning to mutiny?

No, Father.

I've met a wonderful man.

Really? Does this
one speak English?

I want you to meet him. I
asked him to join us for dinner,

but he said he had to
do some kind of a report.

I know you two will
just hate each other.

Well, I look forward
to meeting him.

I haven't hated anyone for a
couple of days, and I miss it.

So you boys are all American
football players. What positions?

- I'm a receiver, sir.
- Yeah, and I'm a quarterback, sir.

When I was in college, I
was involved in football myself.

Really? What
position did you play?

Oh, I didn't play. I dated
the head cheerleader.

[LAUGHTER]

- Captain?
- Yes?

May we be excused? I'd like to
show Frank the Acapulco Lounge.

He's hardly done
anything on the ship.

- Billy, I don't think I really want to.
- Come on, let's do it.

OK. Excuse me.

You have a nice son.

His friend seems to be
a nice young man too.

Yes, they are. They're terrific.
They do everything together.

- It's almost like having twins.
- You know, it's hard for me to believe

that you're old enough
to be Billy's mother.

Well, thank you,
Captain. You're very kind.

Kindness has
nothing to do with it.

In that case, why
don't you call me Meg?

It's my pleasure, Meg.

Would you be interested in
going over to the Acapulco Lounge

for a little dancing
after dinner?

That would be my
pleasure, Captain.

Would you like to join us, Adam?

Adam?

Hmm? Oh, I'm sorry. I was
thinking about my cheerleader.

I used to love it when she'd
lead a cheer by hollering,

"Give me an A! Give me an A!"

I gave her an A-plus.

JULIE: [OVER PA]
Attention, please.

We're making a brief stop in
Ensenada to take on passengers.

We will sail at midnight.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

[APRIL WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

Excuse me.

Oh, boy, am I sorry.

Well, if it isn't the perfect nanny
and the precious little children.

Won't Ty be surprised!

Please, Miss Michelle,
don't tell him about us.

We're leaving right
away. Please. Please?

TY: Lisa?

It's Ty. Quick! Why don't
you hide in the gift shop?

Thank you. Muchas
gracias. Thank you very much.

Hi, darling. Come in
to Ensenada with me.

I want to get some souvenirs for
the kids and April. She's terrific.

A veritable treasure. But darling, why
don't we wait till we get to Acapulco?

- They have a much bigger selection.
- You're right.

But you know, they have
some lovely postcards right here.

You're right again.

- Um... Is that the right amount?
- Yes, sir. Anything else?

Well, yes. I think I'll take
the three dummies over there.

ALL: Ay Chihuahua!

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, come on, Frank. You'll
never score sitting on the bench.

Hey, don't worry. You know
what they say about me.

"Frank Sanders isn't flashy,
but he gets the job done."

- OK, buddy, whatever you say.
- All right.

[INAUDIBLE]

Excuse me, sir, may I cut in?

Of course. I was feeling
very young and romantic

until he found it
necessary to call me "sir."

I'm sorry, sir.

There he goes again!

I didn't mean to
embarrass the captain.

Frank, you're too young to
realize that calling someone "sir"

can be a sign of respect, and yet
sometimes sound like an accusation.

You keep saying how young I am.
That can sound like an accusation too.

But you are young, Frank.

And you should enjoy your youth
before someone starts calling you "sir."

I don't feel too young.
I feel just the right age.

This is really nice.

I thought you were
going to be busy tonight.

I was. But my boss
decided to turn in early.

Linda, do you believe
in love at first sight?

- Do you?
- No.

Why not?

Because I loved you
before I even saw you.

Did you?

- Mm.
- Hm.

Why don't I get us
a couple of drinks?

- OK.
- OK. Here.

I'll just go run up to
the bar. Be right back.

Couple of Piña Coladas, please.

- Nicholas!
- Oh! Oh, Mr. H.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hello, I thought you were...
going to bed early this evening?

I couldn't sleep.

I thought I'd talk a little
business with you, Nicholas,

but I see you're busy.

Thank you. Sir, I'm never too
busy to talk a little business.

No, no, no, you go
ahead and enjoy yourself.

I see my daughter
sitting over there.

- I'll just go over and join her.
- All right, sir.

His daughter?

- Who is it?
- It's me. Frank.

Frank? What is it?

I have to talk to
you. It's important.

Couldn't it wait
until the morning?

No, I have to talk to you
now. Please. It's important.

All right. I'm coming.

Come on in.

[FRANK EXHALES]

Uh... I just wanted to tell
you how much I appreciate

you taking me
along on this cruise.

I mean, it's the nicest thing that
anybody has ever done for me.

You know it's my pleasure, Frank.
But you have already thanked me.

And if you thought it was
necessary to thank me again,

couldn't it have waited
until the morning?

- There is another thing.
- Oh, what's that?

I just think it was so nice that we
got to talk and dance together tonight.

Yes, it was.

But... I think that maybe you could
have told me that tomorrow too.

Yeah, I guess so.

But this can't
wait till morning.

Oh, Frank, what are you doing?

Don't you know? Don't
you know? Can't you feel it?

It's just like you
said it would be.

- Like I said what would be?
- The right girl.

You said she's out there
someplace, and now I've found her.

- And it's you.
- Me?

Oh, Frank. Oh, you're
making a terrible mistake!

And I think before it gets
any worse, you have to leave.

No, no. I love you, Meg.

Mrs. Chase.

OK, if that's the
way you want it.

I love you, Mrs. Chase.

You just walk off and leave me sitting
at a table all by myself last night!

Linda, I already told you.

I went to the bar to get us a couple
of drinks, and that's all I remember.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, all right, OK. OK.

I didn't want to
have to tell you this,

because I hate to go around
making myself sound like a hero.

Tell me what?

Well... when I was walking the
picket lines a couple of years ago

at the big cannery strike...

a union-buster hit me right in the head
with a big can of the company's product.

And now, every once in a while,

I get these canned
stewed tomato blackouts.

[SARCASTICALLY]
Oh, you poor baby.

Linda.

Linda... I love you.

- Do you love me?
- I don't believe in love.

I only believe in
mutual respect.

Well, do you mutual respect me?

Let me think about it.

I'm sorry you are so upset.

But you are sitting there
like a grump on a log.

I wanted to take Gayle and
Jerry home from Ensenada,

and you would not let me.

I worry about them enough
without all that travel.

Look, I'm not angry, but the
reason I went on this cruise

- was to get a good rest.
- Of course.

And you could not take a book,

so instead you took
Miss Lisa Michelle. Yuck!

April, that's not your affair.

I know. It's your affair.

Hey. You cannot
blame her for being late.

It takes time to
make up two faces.

Good morning, everyone.

Well, look at you.

Like a breath of spring.

Over Mount St. Helens.

Have your coffee.

And I'm going to make some reservations
for dinner in Acapulco for tonight.

- Ah, kids, keep me company.
- KIDS: OK.

Hurry back.

Well... isn't this cozy?

Can I give you some sausage?

The pork look nice and rare.

I know you don't like me,
especially after last night,

but do let's try to be civil.

After all, we won't be seeing
each other for very long.

I didn't know you were leaving.

- I'm not. You are.
- Me?

It should be quite
simple to convince Ty

that the children would be much
better off in a boarding school.

One that's far, far away.

Boarding school?

They're wonderful institutions.
And with no children around...

who needs a nanny?

Oh, yeah? And
what makes you think

it will be so easy to
convince Mr. Younger of that?

Well, let's face it, a man is
always eager to please his new wife.

Oh, he hasn't asked me yet.

But he will.

- [KNOCK AT DOOR]
- Who is it?

Room service.

I didn't order room service.

Morning, morning, morning!

Frank Sanders is in love
and all is right with the world.

And, incidentally, I may have
been too young yesterday,

- but I'm a day older today.
- Frank...

I'm beginning to see why you
had to be tutored last semester.

Now, things are sinking
in rather slowly with you.

Now, try to remember this time.

"Mrs. Chase is the
mother of my best friend."

Oh, so that's what
the problem is?

Oh! It's not that you
don't care about me.

It's that you're hung up on
being the mother of my best friend.

Oh, we mustn't let that
interfere with us, really.

Hey, Mom, have you
had breakfast yet?

What the hell is going on here?

- Hey, look, Billy...
- No, don't "Look, Billy" me!

Oh, Billy, no! Leave him alone!

OK, I'll leave him alone.

I'll leave you both alone!

Billy!

I don't know who your young man
is, but you're doing the right thing

in making a decision and
then carrying it out immediately.

I learned that in
business a long time ago.

I hope this man
you've fallen in love with

is worthy of your love...

and my money. [LAUGHS]

Somebody like my new
executive vice-president.

I'll see you later, Father.

- Hi, Linda.
- Hi, Nick.

- I want you to meet my father.
- You know, the one you said

- you hate everything he stands for.
- What?

You, sir, lied to me.
You betrayed me!

I only regret that
you're not rich,

so that I could have the
pleasure of ruining you!

Oh, Nick, don't you pay any
attention to what my father said.

- Thank you.
- Just pay attention to what I say.

And I say don't you ever
talk to me again! Not ever!

I thought you believed
in non-v*olence?

I do. But when non-v*olence
doesn't work, it makes me mad!

Billy!

Yes... Mother?

Billy... you didn't see
what you thought you saw.

I saw what I saw.

I know you're not going to believe
this, but for some unknown reason,

Frank has suddenly convinced
himself that he's in love with me.

What was the
"unknown reason," Mom?

Was the unknown reason
that you led him on?

Were you playing
the sexy divorcee?

JULIE: You really think Mr. Younger
is gonna ask her to marry him?

Well, she's one sharp enchilada.

And a nice man like
Mr. Younger is nutty in her hands.

- Oh, putty.
- Yes, it is a putty.

Well, April, why don't you warn
him, tell him what she's really like?

Oh, no, I couldn't
do that, Julie.

There are some things a
man has to find out for himself.

Oh, but April, what if he
doesn't find out till it's too late?

Then that's the way
the bookie crumbles.

Cookie.

No, thanks. The way I feel
now, I couldn't eat a thing.

Hi. I brought you a present.

Frank, don't you understand? You've
caused so many problems already.

I don't want you to
give me any presents.

Oh, I'm not giving you presents.

Only these flowers are for you.

You see this stuffed animal?

It's for me, until I grow
up and start acting my age.

[LAUGHS] So you
do finally understand?

Listen, I don't need a
brick wall to fall on me.

Actually, any kind
of heavy wall will do.

[LAUGHS] Have you
spoken to Billy yet?

- No.
- Why not?

I don't know. It's
so embarrassing.

I mean, his best friend
making a pass at his mother.

It wasn't a pass. It
really wasn't, Mrs. Chase.

I mean, dumb kid or not...

I really loved you.

Frank, I hope my son gives
me lots of grandchildren

and when they say to me, "Granny,
what are you smiling about?"

I'll be remembering
what you just said.

Why don't you go
and explain to Billy?

Huh! It's not quite that easy.
I mean, I feel like such a jerk.

You wanted so desperately to
be older and slightly more mature

than maybe you are right now.

And maturity can come

from having to do the things
that maybe you don't want to do.

And that makes you
feel like a jerk sometimes.

Come on. I'll walk
you downstairs.

Hi, darling.

Do you dare to call me "darling"
and act as if nothing has happened?

Of course.

[NICK LAUGHS]

What's so funny is that I started by
trying to put one over on your father

- and I wound up fooling you.
- What's that supposed to mean?

Let me put it to you this way.

If somebody wanted to
liberalize your father's companies,

what would be the
worst way to do that?

The worst way would be to tell him
that's exactly what you want to do.

OK, but now, what would be
the best way for me to do that?

Oh, the best way...

The best way would be for you to
pretend to be a young Herbert Hoover.

Exactly!

- Oh, I love you more than ever!
- [BOTH LAUGH]

Nicholas, now that you've
explained yourself to me,

I'm more impressed with
you than ever. [CHUCKLES]

Imagine gaining my
daughter's confidence

by pretending to go
along with her silly ideas.

Actually, sir, I pretended
to be even sillier than she is.

[CHUCKLES] Nicholas,
you're a genius.

Wrong. No offense
meant, sir, but see,

actually there's only one
genius on this ship, sir,

and that's the man I'm
about to salute right now.

What are you
supposed to be doing?

[SIGHS] Well, I'd say
it looks like I'm packing.

Although I'm told that sometimes
things really aren't the way they look.

Where are you
going in such a hurry?

What difference does that make?

You know the old
saying. Three's a crowd.

Even if one of them is your mom.

Maybe even more so if
one of them is your mom.

- You know, Billy. I want to thank you.
- For what?

Well, because when I walked in here,
I was feeling like the world's prize jerk.

But now you're stealing
that honor away from me.

Your mother is only
what she's always been,

the most terrific
lady I've ever met.

Sure. Will you just leave?

You know what your problem is, man?
You've been blocking too many kicks.

There's nothing between your
mother and me. Absolutely nothing.

I saw the two of you
in each other's arms.

Yeah, well, you've got a
lot to learn about embraces.

I was holding her.
She wasn't holding me.

I thought I was
in love with her.

She had absolutely
nothing to do with it.

Are you sure you're not telling
me that to make me feel better?

Would I make myself look like a complete
idiot just to make you feel better?

Well... if it was all your fault, I
ought to punch you in the mouth.

Yeah. You've already done that.

Come on. Go talk to your mom.

I feel like such a jerk.

I know. There's a lot of
that going around the ship.

JULIE: [OVER PA] Welcome to Acapulco.
Final tours will leave in one half-hour.

Nicholas, it took you, an outsider,
to explain my daughter to me.

Now I realize she was
right about things all the time.

Oh, no, Father.

The investor is the one that
the entire system depends upon.

I've finally come
to realize that.

[CLEARS THROAT] Would
you excuse me for just a second?

I'm gonna go see what's
taking the drinks so long.

I'll be right back. Excuse me.

- How's it going?
- Terrible.

What's the matter?

Well, I've got Linda and her
father lying to each other over there,

and I don't like it as
much as I thought I would.

You know, I've always found
that telling the plain honest truth

is the best thing
to do at all times.

You're right. And that's exactly
what I'm going to do right now!

- Do you really believe that?
- Of course!

Telling the plain honest truth is
the best thing to do at all times?

Yes.

Actually, I only did it once.
You want to see the scars?

I thought you were gonna
go see about the drinks?

That was a lie.

It was just one of many
lies I've been telling you

and you two have
been telling each other.

What do you mean
by that, young man?

[CLEARS THROAT] I'll
tell you exactly what I mean.

I mean, you're a dinosaur.

It's incredible to me that you've
got such a lovely young daughter,

because you must be
at least years old.

He's right, Father.

What are you talking about?
You're worse than he is.

You're living in a smug
and pretentious world.

If I were your father, I'd make sure
you got to know the workers better

by making you one of them.

- Are you finished?
- Yes, I'm finished.

I'm finished lying to get a job,

and I'm finished
lying to get a girl.

I tried to cater to the
ridiculous values of both of you

and I wound up being
the biggest fool of all.

Excuse me.

[LINDA SIGHS]

Mom.

I don't know if you'll remember
this, but once, when I was a little kid,

I'd done something wrong in school
and I never came home till midnight

because I was afraid
you'd punish me.

It was in third grade, and Mrs.
Cleary kept you in for talking in class.

I remember, Billy.

I didn't come home till midnight
then to take my punishment.

It's only nine o'clock now. So I
guess I'm getting a little better.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

Mom, don't cry. I'll never
do anything like that again.

I promise I won't.

Oh, I'm not crying
about that, sweetheart.

Then what are you crying about?

Probably what all parents cry
about at one time or another.

Do you remember exactly how
long ago it is since third grade?

But to me it's just
a moment ago.

I love you, Mom.

[BOTH LAUGH]

JULIE: [OVER PA] Join us now in the
Acapulco Lounge for Miss April Lopez.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHATTER]

Well, well, well, I didn't expect
to see you kids up so late.

We're here to see April sing.

Really?

I made a deal with the captain.

I sing and he doesn't
charge us for the cruise.

See? I told you
she was terrific.

Isn't she, though?

Why don't you sing a love song?

Under the circumstances, I
think it would be quite appropriate.

Uh... Well, I'll tell you
all about that later, OK?

[APPLAUSE]

- Are we too late?
- No, you're just in time.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I have a special treat.

One of our dear friends
is going to sing for us.

The dynamic... April Lopez.

♪ The first time

♪ Ever I saw your face

♪ I thought the sun

♪ Rose in your eyes

♪ And the moon and the stars

♪ Were the gifts you gave

♪ To the dark

♪ And the endless sky ♪

[GUITAR STOPS]

[SOBBING]

April!

Dear, whatever's bothering her,
she'd probably much rather be alone.

- But she...
- I know. I'm a woman.

I'm a woman too... and
I'm going to go find her.

Well, I'm not a woman,
but I know what I like.

You told me I
ought to get a job...

but you left before I could tell
you I'm not qualified to do anything.

Well, then, how about
a job as executive wife?

Well, sounds like quite a
challenge. When would I start?

How about next
Monday at nine o'clock?

[SIGHS] I'll be there.

I'm glad we found you a job,

because if I know my
dinosaurs, I sure don't have one.

Well, let's not worry about Dad.

In the meantime...

shall we get on with
my job interview?

- Absolutely.
- [BOTH LAUGH]

[SOBBING]

Are you all right?

Why are you crying? I
didn't do anything, I swear.

I know.

I'm crying because I'm
going to miss you very much.

I don't understand.

Well, you see...

when your father and
Miss Michelle get married,

they won't be
needing me anymore.

You see, Miss Michelle,
she's not used to kids.

She wants you to go
to a boarding school.

KIDS: A boarding school?

It's not so bad. You will
meet lots of other kids,

and you will still get to
see your father on holidays.

Ty, dear, I know it sounds
bad, but it's really for the best.

I think I know what's
best for my kids.

Although, obviously I don't
always know what's best for myself.

Until now.

I'm sorry.

Mr. Younger, I didn't
know you were here.

I hope I don't cause
you any trouble.

I don't want you to be unhappy.

April, I'm so unhappy that
as soon as we get home...

No!

I'm going to throw
us a great big party,

Mexican-style with
tacos and tostadas,

and those paper animal
things filled with toys.

Piñatas! Piñatas!

Piñatas! Piñatas!

- Piñatas!
- Yes!

You know something?

When your father
learns the language...

he's gonna be all right!

- [LAUGHTER]
- Oh, yes!

Hey!

Hey, by the looks of
things, I'd say you three

- must have had a great cruise.
- Oh, yeah.

Are you all rested for
the football season?

- We sure are.
- Right.

Wow! Would you
look at that blonde!

Frank, when you saw
that same girl the other day,

- you thought she was too young.
- Huh? Oh, yeah, but...

look how gracefully she's aged.

[LAUGHTER]

So long. Take care.
Thanks for joining us.

I'm really happy for you two.

Come to think of it, do you
know what he said to me

when he saw you boarding
at the beginning of the cruise?

- What?
- He said to me,

"There's the girl
I'm going to marry."

- Did you say that?
- Yeah, I did.

I say that about every
girl I see on every cruise.

Sometimes it works
out, sometimes it doesn't.

Goodbye, Gopher, and
thank you for everything.

Goodbye, sir.

I thought it over last
night, and you're right.

I am an old dinosaur.

But even old dinosaurs can
recognize honesty when they see it.

So if you still want the job
as executive vice-president,

- it's yours.
- Oh, Daddy!

Thank you very much,
sir. I'm very grateful.

Really?

No salute?

Oh, su...
- [LAUGHTER]
- Oh, come on!

- Captain.
- Yes?

You and your crew are great.

I'd like to invite you all to my
house next week for dinner.

- Thank you.
- APRIL: Good idea.

I will cook you a recipe
that has been handed down

from my great-grandmother to
my grandmother to my mama to me.

- Really?
- Oh, yes.

Nobody wanted it.

[LAUGHTER]