04x18 - .Aquaphobiac/Humpty Dumpty/The Starmaker

[bunniefuu]

[THEME TUNE STARTS]

♪ Love

♪ Exciting and new

♪ Come aboard

♪ We're expecting you ♪ And love

♪ Life's sweetest reward

♪ Let it flow

♪ It floats back to
you ♪ The Love Boat

♪ Soon will be
making another run

♪ The Love Boat

♪ Promises
something for everyone

♪ Set a course for adventure

♪ Your mind on a new romance

♪ And love

♪ Won't hurt anymore

♪ It's an open smile

♪ On a friendly
shore ♪ It's love

♪ Welcome aboard ♪ It's love ♪

Hey, Vicki, has anybody reported
us for being late back to work?

Not yet. What kept you?

When we left Sunday, we told you we
were going to this wild party in Downey.

But today is Tuesday. The
party lasted for three days?

And we were the
first ones to leave!

I've got to see the
captain about a raise.

I got so many bills to pay, just
the postage could wipe me out.

Can you tell me my cabin,
please? I'm Humphrey Clark.

- Yes, Mr. Clark, you're in...
- Excuse me, did you say

- that you're Humphrey Clark?
- Your cabin is...

The man who discovered
Sweetwater Wilson?

- That's right.
- Mr. Clark, your cabin...

- The man who...
- , Promenade Deck.

Thanks, kid.

- Do you know who that is?
- Yeah, the man who discovered

- Sweetwater Wilson.
- It's a very famous story.

He was walking down the street. He
heard singing coming out of a sewer.

He climbed down a manhole
and found Sweetwater.

In the first year, they
sold over a million records.

- Ah, the sweet smell of success, huh?
- That's it!

That's how I can make the
money that I need. With this!

You're going to sell your tie?

With a golden throat.

I can sing twice as
good as old Sweetwater.

On this cruise, Humphrey
is going to discover me!

♪ For once in a lifetime

♪ A man knows a moment

♪ One wonderful moment...

[SINGING CONTINUES]

Through those doors and to
your left. Have a nice cruise.

- Wow, it's the Incredible Hunk!
- Hmm?

- Brian!
- Hey, Julie!

[BRIAN CHUCKLES]

Now, that's the
way to start a cruise.

Hey, hey, time out.

- No harm, no foul.
- [GIGGLES]

It's been so long since I've seen
a friendly face, I got carried away.

Ask him if he's got a
younger brother just like him.

Two losers in one
family wouldn't be fair.

Brian, I'd like you to
meet Vicki Stubing.

Vicki, this is Brian Kiley.

- Pleased to meet you.
- Pleased to meet you.

Listen, we've got a mess
of things to talk about.

Any chance we can huddle later?

Sure. Why don't we meet on
the lido deck in the morning?

That sounds great.

Hey, Vicki.

Brian was the quarterback
on our college football team.

We're good friends.

I may only be , but he
acts like more than a friend.

No, there's nothing going on.
That's all we are, just... friends.

Are you the captain?

No, sorry. I'm
the ship's doctor.

- I don't need a doctor.
- I'm glad to hear that.

Oh, here comes the
man you're looking for.

May I help you?
I'm Captain Stubing.

Hello. I'm Vanessa Norris.
This is my fiancé, Glenn Dobson.

- I'm very pleased to meet you.
- Hi.

How many life boats are there?

More than enough to
debark every person aboard.

How far out in the
ocean does this ship go?

Well...

That really isn't important.
Thank you, Captain. Doctor.

GLENN: It's important to me!

Questions about the
boats, wearing a life jacket?

Do you suppose he knows
something we don't know?

[SHIP'S HORN BLASTS]

Hey! It's great up on
deck. Come and see.

It'll be a big laugh for everybody.
A grown man afraid of the water.

Honey, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
A lot of people are afraid of the water.

A lot of them get over it too.

[SIGHS]

GLENN: Oh!

I've never seen so much water.

And there's a big pool
up on deck too, isn't there?

Yes.

We never should have
come. It was a big mistake.

No, it wasn't.

Now, this is the perfect place
for you to gain confidence.

It could be the big
breakthrough. Remember?

The psychiatrist said so.

I'll never get out of this...

elephant bra.

Put something on over it.

What, a maternity dress?

I'll be the only guy that
ever came back from a cruise

with nothing sunburned
except his wrists.

I'll just bet that by the
time this cruise is over,

you'll be jumping
into that pool.

And without this too.

Come on, honey,
let's get up there.

Come on! It doesn't do
any good to get depressed.

You're right.

Because even if I
do get depressed,

I can't even throw
myself overboard.

Come on. Come on,
come on, come on.

Piña Colada, please.

Yes, sir, Mr. Clark.
Piña Colada.

A specialty of Isaac, your
singing bartender. [LAUGHS]

Listen, are you here on a
business trip or just a vacation?

Strictly vacation.

Oh. Of course, you
never know, do you?

Like that time you went down
that sewer after Sweetwater Wilson,

I bet you were
there on vacation too.

Yes, sir, you know you can find a
star any time or anywhere, right?

Thanks, Ivan.

Isaac.

I never understood
how you did it.

Being quarterback, studying and
waiting tables in the freshman dorm.

You girls ate
like truck drivers.

I know. Two and three
helpings just to get your attention,

and then hours of exercise
trying to keep the weight off.

All of the girls were
in love with you.

Present company included!

Do you remember when we used to
go up to the football stadium at night?

- Mm-hm.
- Great place for a date, huh?

One guy, one girl and
, empty seats.

It was romantic in
a crazy kind of way.

And always conveniently cold.
We had to snuggle for survival.

Oh, and you were the
best snuggler of them all.

Well, that is until I lost
my title to Laura Putsche.

How is Laura?

I'm playing it solo again,
Julie. Laura and I split up.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It all started with
me cracking up a car.

Broke my arm, Julie.

Couldn't throw hard enough
to reach the line of scrimmage.

- I never heard.
- I was lucky I wasn't k*lled.

- Maybe I wasn't so lucky.
- Oh, don't say that!

Anyhow, what the pros don't need
is a quarterback who can't throw.

But you still had your job
with Laura's father, didn't you?

Hmm. You know, a
funny thing happened.

When I stopped making
headlines, all of Daddy's buddies,

all the guys who'd buy
anything I had to sell,

all of a sudden, they had
trouble remembering my name.

Well, how did
Laura take all that?

Once the razzle-dazzle
ended, so did the honeymoon.

Brian...

So, what we have here is
ex-wonder boy, with half-time coming,

no timeouts left, and no
game plan for the last half.

You got any ideas?

Yeah. How about if we start with
me taking you out to dinner tonight,

and we'll talk about the good
old days? How does that sound?

Like I made a big
mistake seven years ago.

Come on. Come
on, honey, come on.

Oh, no! Come on.

Come on.

Come on, come on!

Attaboy! Come on!

- [WHIMPERS]
- Oh!

You're doing just fine, honey.

Now, do what the
therapist told you.

Take off the jacket, then
walk a little bit away from it.

Then do that again, and
then every time you do it,

try to get a little
bit farther away.

OK. I guess we can
both... Oh, no. No.

This is something you
have to do on your own.

- Oh. Oh, Captain...
- Yes?

I think I should explain
to you about my fiancé.

You see, he has
severe hydrophobia.

Oh, I see.

Hydrophobia? He bit a mad dog?

It's a pathological
fear of water.

Oh, I hope it's contagious. That
could be great for the booze business.

- Ooh, are you going to go in the pool?
- No.

Then can Billy use your jacket?
He's just learning how to swim.

I can't let him have it.

But you said you
weren't going to use it.

I know.

Do you think he's not going
to return it to you? Is that it?

I just can't...

Then you take his
till you get yours back.

No, I can't do that.

Of all the mean and selfish
things... I can't believe it!

I can't believe...

Oh.

Come on. Come on!

Attaboy. Come on. A
little more. Come on.

- Hey, you!
- [BILLY SCREAMS]

He's not in there. We just
finished cleaning it. It's empty.

But you're just the
man we want to see.

We're having a party tonight and
you're invited. It's Jenny's birthday.

Oh. How old are
you getting to be?

I'm not getting older,
honey. Just better.

I don't get off work until late,
and I got to see this passenger.

It's for an audition. I don't
know how long it's gonna take.

Oh, we'll wait.

We wouldn't think of
starting without you, Isaac.

Gee, that's awfully nice, but
you don't have to wait for me.

- Sure we do.
- Absolutely, honey.

- You're bringing the wine.
- [ALL LAUGH]

See you at dinner.

That's Brian Kiley.
A friend of yours?

- Just fine.
- Just fine?

- Julie?
- Mm?

If I manderly your freeson,
will you clerticle my gill?

Of course.

- What was that?
- Oh, it's nothing.

Well, if you'll
both excuse me...

Uh...

[LAUGHS] If that's what love does
to you, I'd rather have the measles.

You know, this is one
of your flakier ideas.

Spending bucks on
that special champagne.

Hey, it's classy.

Besides, I'll make that back a
hundred times with my first concert.

Right.

You know, it's not like
I'm inexperienced at this.

I've already made one
record of my singing.

Oh, I remember that booth.
Penny arcade in Tijuana.

Hey, that was a good
demo. A professional job.

Full size, vinyl, unbreakable.

I know. I tried.

This is gonna work out fine.

Just think. I'm walking in
there Isaac Washington,

but I'm coming out
Sammy Davis Jr.

Good luck to both of you, man.

Hey, Goph, thanks a lot,
man. I'm not gonna forget you.

Even when I'm famous.

I'm gonna remember
all the little people.

I'm gonna fix it so you can
get all my records wholesale.

- Come in.
- Hi, Mr. Clark.

What's this all about?

Champagne, compliments
of the star of tomorrow.

I was just on my way
to dinner, but thanks.

♪ Thanks for the
memories of moonlight...

Excuse me. I'm running
a little late, Irving.

Isaac. It's Isaac.

- [CORK POPS]
- I really don't have the time, huh?

If you get a minute, I'll
be in my cabin. Call me.

Yeah.

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

Julie, you remember
the Oregon State game?

We won - . I pulled it out
with a b*mb to Philips, remember?

No. But I do remember
our date afterward.

It was the first time you
ever kissed me good night.

I didn't know whether I
should play hard-to-get

or tell you how much I liked it.

We were quite an item
there for a while, weren't we?

For a while.

The starry-eyed freshman
and the hot-shot football star.

Every time I looked up in the
stands, you were always there,

cheering your lungs out.

Stanford, Oregon State,
Washington, Rose Bowl.

Those were some of
the best days of my life.

They were some
of the worst of mine.

You dumped me to marry
my roommate, remember?

I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm over it now.

Are you? Completely?

Well, I'm over the hurt,
Brian, but you were the first.

And I don't think any girl
really gets over the first.

I picked the wrong roommate.

I feel stupid enough in this
during the day, but at night...

I hope we don't
run into that woman.

If we do, I'll explain it
to her. She'll understand.

What are you gonna say?

"Excuse my fiancé
for wrestling with you,

but he simply had to
have your rubber duck?"

Oh, Glenn, will you stop that?
Nobody's going to ridicule you.

So you've got a water phobia.
Everybody has problems.

Not like mine. Remember
that night at the movies?

I had to walk out on
Jaws because I got hives.

Come on, now. You'll feel better
after you have a good dinner.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY] Quack, quack!

- Oh, that kid!
- Oh, no, no, no!

Now, you stop that.
He's just a little boy.

- Come on.
- No, you go ahead, Vanessa.

I'll have something sent
to the cabin. See you later.

Oh!

Having trouble with the patient?

- How did you know?
- The captain told me.

Oh.

Glenn's embarrassed about going
to the dining room in his life jacket.

- Oh.
- I guess I better go stay with him.

A suggestion. Don't.

If he wants to be alone
for a while, let him.

Come on. I'll wangle us a
place at the captain's table.

- You've got to keep your spirits up too.
- Well, OK. [CHUCKLES]

Doctor, what could
cause a phobia like that?

Oh, lots of things. Childhood
traumas, sexual repression.

- But it would take an expert to...
- Sexual repression?

Yeah, they're blaming that for
everything, including flat feet.

Thank you, Doctor. You've
just given me an idea.

Oh? If it's what I think it is, I
guess you'll want to eat and run.

[LAUGHS HEARTILY]

Hello, Operator?

No, nothing. I was just checking
to see if the line was working.

Yeah. I'm expecting a
very important phone call.

Here we are, the portable party!

If you don't come to
us, we come to you.

Look, he got the wine,
and it's bubbly-bubbly!

[APPRECIATIVE MURMURS, LAUGHTER]

Isaac, you didn't have to
spend this much on me.

Well, you know me.
Always thinking first class.

Well, let's stop the thinking
and let's start drinking!

All right! I heard that!

♪ Happy birthday to me

ALL: ♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday, dear Jenny

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

[CHEERING]

Listen! Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Could you do that again for me, please?

But just the three of you.

- Well, he did spring for the champagne.
- I guess so.

But first, let me move
you right over here.

And bring you right there like this.
Then bring you right over here like this.

Bring you right there. Yeah.

Oh, no, this will
really be much better.

OK. Yeah.

And this time when you sing it,

sing it with... feeling.

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Shooby dooby dooby doo

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Shoo dooby dibby
daddum dum di-da

♪ Happy birthday, dear Jenny

♪ Shu-dum shu-dum Doo-bi-di-doo

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Shoo doop waa waa waaa! ♪

Hey!

- Hey, that's great!
- All right!

You ladies are gonna
be a great help to me.

Keep tomorrow night open.

- Tomorrow night?
- [EXCITED CHATTER]

Tomorrow night open?
What are you talking about?

[WATER RUNNING]

[SEDUCTIVELY] Glenn?

Oh, honey!

- You ready for bed already?
- Well...

Not a bad idea.

I really missed
you a lot at dinner.

I don't know. There's
something about a night at sea

that's so... romantic.

Honey.

Oh.

Ooh.

Oh.

Can't you take that thing
off? Just for a little while.

- I can't get the knot loose.
- I'll get the scissors.

No! Then I couldn't
wear it again.

- I'd be afraid to take it off, anyway.
- Oh, honey.

You deserve to be with a normal
guy that can show you a good time,

not stuck with a
gooney bird like me.

I like gooney birds.

We're going to be in
Acapulco in the morning,

and I'm going ashore, alone.

Alone?

I just want to get away
from all this water, and I...

I need the time to think.

Will you come back?

I don't know.

I just don't know.

Julie, is it... too late for us?

I'm not sure. We're not the
same people we used to be.

Nothing's changed that much.
There's got to be something left.

Look, when I first saw you this
morning, I knew I needed you!

Now, don't you feel anything?

- Yes.
- I knew it!

Second time around,
and the same question.

Should I play hard-to-get
or tell him how much I like it?

Hey, hey! Not so fast.

Who threw a flag on this play,
huh? I made a mistake. I paid for it.

Let me make up for that mistake.

I'll be honest with you, Brian. I
think I'd like this to lead someplace,

but this time I've got to
be sure. And so should you.

If this is going to
mean anything at all,

well, a little waiting
wouldn't do any harm.

All right, coach, you call it.

- Just as long as I'm in the game.
- [CHUCKLES]

GOPHER: [OVER PA] Good
morning, and welcome to Acapulco.

Land tours will be leaving
from the Coral Deck gangway.

We hope you enjoy your day.

The bus for the tour of Acapulco
will be leaving in about five minutes.

- Julie?
- Yes?

How would you like a sure-fire
performer for the show tonight?

- I'd love it. Who?
- I'm talking about somebody

who'll bring that audience to their feet
and have them going out of their heads!

My kind of act too.

I'm talking about a singer that
knows how to caress a song...

- Isaac, I'm sold! Who is it?!
- Me!

- No way.
- Wait a minute! This is important.

The captain will k*ll me if I
let you fool around up there!

- Fool around? Julie, I am good.
- No way, Isaac.

Julie, do you remember
in Puerto Vallarta,

when you were five hours
late getting back to the boat?

Isaac... would you just
come with me one second.

Do you remember some wonderful
person who covered for you,

- did all of your work, saved your job?
- Well, now...

Even though he was weak
and feverish and exhausted.

- Isaac...
- Body all aching and wracked with pain.

Do you remember
what you said to me?

You said, "If there is ever
anything that you need,

- anything at all, just ask."
- [MOUTHS]

So I ask and what do I
hear? "No way, Isaac."

Would I ever say, "No
way, Julie?" No way, Julie.

All right, you win.

I'll probably lose my job,
but you can do the show.

Oh, Julie, thank you.
You won't regret it.

I think I already do.

Good report. See you at
the meeting at four o'clock.

Hello, hi, Glenn. You didn't
spend much time ashore.

Captain, I need your help. I
bought this at the waterfront store.

An inflatable life jacket?

But it doesn't have the gas cartridges
that go with it. Are there any aboard?

Ask Gopher. I'm sure he
can locate some for you.

I don't want to embarrass Vanessa
in front of everybody any longer.

I can wear this under my shirt.
She won't even know I have it on.

But you will.

Look, she's a wonderful girl.

I don't think you have to resort
to anything like this for her.

Just promise me
you won't tell her.

OK.

[SIGHS]

So what are you going to
do? What are your plans?

Well, I've been working on my
arm, and this may surprise you,

but it is damn near as good
as it was before I broke it.

- Wait a minute. You...
- You guessed it.

I'm taking another
shot at pro football.

But Brian, you haven't
played in seven years.

The little edge I lost
physically, I've gained up here.

I can make it
again. I know I can.

Hey, Brian Kiley. Hey, Gopher
Smith. This is Doc Bricker.

- Hey, Brian.
- Hey, guys. How you doing?

Brian, if you have a minute, there's
a question we'd like you to settle

about that Rose Bowl
game you played in.

- Oh, yeah, sure, sure.
- Julie, you don't mind, do you?

Yeah, we were kind of
curious about... Oh, hey, hey!

- Rose Bowl ring, Doc. OK.
- Yeah, that's it.

I suppose you can
guess the question.

It's about that famous last
play, when you ran yards.

Now, I say it was a broken play.
Gopher thinks the coach sent it in.

Who dreamed it up?

Well, I... I kind of
ad-libbed that one.

- You're kidding!
- No.

Brian, I thought we were going
to take a walk around the deck.

Oh, come on, Julie!

In a minute. As you
guys probably remember,

it was ten seconds
left to go... to .

- Yeah!
- Everybody in the country

knew it had to be a pass, right? All
right, here's the line of scrimmage.

- You guys be the backfield.
- BOTH: OK.

- OK. Hanford and Morris.
- Morris. OK, of course.

I'm the quarterback.

Brian... I'll be going
to work now, OK?

OK, honey. I'll see you later.

On the snap, a fake to Hanford...
Go! And a fake to Morris... Go!

Very casually, I let my
arm drop down to my side.

Take a few steps back,
like I'm out of the play.

My backs and my ends are
covered. As the g*n goes off,

I head around to the
left. No one touches me.

I fool everybody completely.

And that was a ball game.

- All right!
- And the crowd went crazy!

There's only one
thing I can't understand.

How come you're not
still playing pro ball?

Well, don't take any
bets that I won't be.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

Kate! Georgia! Jenny!

Oh, great! Listen. I want you
guys to get fixed up real fine,

because we have a date
tonight in the Acapulco Lounge.

- But that's for the passengers.
- I know, but I fixed it up.

Super! Who's playing?

You are.

What are we doing for an
act, vacuuming the piano?

- No! You're going to sing... with me.
- Huh.

That explains why all our
cleaning rags have disappeared.

He's been smoking them.

No, no, I mean it. We're
gonna be appearing as a group.

And you ladies have
nothing to worry about,

because you'll be way in the
back and the spotlight'll be on me.

Oh, please, ladies,
this is my big chance.

Well, he did spring
for the champagne.

- What have we got to lose?
- Besides everything?

I can't think of anything.

Great. Listen, I promise
you I won't forget you for this.

And when I'm a big star, I'll
see that you get my records...

wholesale.

[CHUCKLES]

Sweet man. But I think
he's had a brain drain.

GOPHER: [OVER PA]
Attention all passengers.

Our ship will set
sail in minutes.

- Looking for gooney birds?
- Oh, Glenn! I'm so glad you decided...

It's my new skinny look.

It's a big old
breakthrough, like you said.

- Oh, Glenn! I don't believe it!
- Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, that's wonderful. [LAUGHS]

Oh, I'm so proud of you, baby.

We're going to have to
celebrate. Champagne or...

Hey, maybe even some
bottled water, huh? [LAUGHS]

- [DOCTOR CHATS]
- Oh, here comes Doc.

Come on. Let's tell him.

Doc, look, look. Glenn, no life
jacket! [LAUGHS GLEEFULLY]

Well, congratulations.
You got over it just like that?

You told me not to expect a
miracle, but I got one. [CHUCKLES]

Well, I... may have to go back to
the jacket every once in a while.

[GLENN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

I thought you left the
ship in Acapulco! You...

- Oh, no, no, no!
- [HISSING]

Glenn! Wait!

Glenn, wait!

Glenn, wait! Wait.

Just leave me alone.
Don't say anything.

Go find yourself a normal
guy that people won't laugh at.

There you are! I've been looking
for you all over everywhere.

I was about to yell,
"Pretty woman overboard!"

A very beautiful woman.

Brian, this isn't the
old stadium, huh?

What's with the side step?

What, am I suddenly on the bench
or am I off the squad completely?

- Brian, can't you speak plain English?
- What's not English?

Off the squad, on
the bench, side step.

Brian, the whole world
is not a football field.

All right, let's have it all.

- A little while ago, we were perfect.
- Well, I guess you're entitled.

Up until now, I've
been looking at you

through the eyes of an
-year-old freshman.

Well, now I see you
through the eyes of an adult.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means that I've grown up,

and you're still the same -year-old
rock 'em, sock 'em king of the campus,

who's living his days of
glory over and over again.

Now, wait a minute!

So, I talk a little bit
about the good old days.

It's not just talk,
Brian. You won't let go.

It's fun to bring back memories
occasionally, but you live in the past.

Julie, why are you
doing this? I need you.

Yeah, I need somebody too.

But somebody who
lives in the present.

A man can't grow if
all he has is the past.

Thanks.

Thanks for nothing.

[PIANO PLAYS, CHATTER]

Good evening Mr. Clark.
Enjoy your dinner?

Very much, thank you.

I suppose you'll be going to the big
show in the Acapulco Lounge tonight.

I suppose.

I'll make sure you get
the best table there.

Very nice of you, Isaiah.

- Isaac.
- Right.

Be ready to discover a
new singing sensation.

When you step into
that lounge tonight,

it'll be just like going back
down into that sewer again.

[HUMPHREY CLEARS HIS THROAT]

- So, Glenn won't come out of his cabin?
- No. He's humiliated.

He thinks everybody on this
ship knows about his problem.

Well, by this time, they
probably do. It must be tough.

- Yeah.
- But that just might be the solution.

Julie.

I've got to talk to you.

Maybe later. It's almost show
time, and I've got to be there.

Brian... I'm really sorry
for the things I said to you.

Now, just hold it, will you?
You'll blow all the good you did.

Then you'll have to
do it all over again.

No, it was really thoughtless
of me. I was rude and arrogant...

And right.

Julie, that's all true.
Everything you said.

And you're not mad at me?

At you?

No, never you, Julie.

But I am mad at me because
of all the time we wasted.

Seven years.

No, not wasted. I think both of
us needed that time to grow up.

Brian, your ring!

I used to think this
was my magic charm.

Now I know what magic really is.

It's you.

Oh, Brian!

[CHEERING AND WHISTLING]

It was a good act, Julie.
Now, if you'll excuse us...

We've got a show of
our own to get ready.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Incredible! I knew
they'd love me!

- Oh, I thought it was kinda fun!
- Oh, God, I'm sorry it's over.

Do you suppose maybe
we could put a band together,

get some more songs and go
out on the road, like a real act?

You see, it's like this. Let me
explain something to you. See...

- Tour all of the country!
- GOPHER: Mr. Clark is here to see you.

- Mr. Clark, how did you like it?
- That was sensational!

Incredible! If we'd had better
acoustics, we could have done more...

Where did you find the girls?

Just a little back-up
group I put together.

I think I've just discovered
three of tomorrow's biggest stars.

Yeah, well, I
thought that... Three?

First record's
guaranteed to be gold.

You sure you don't
mean one, or maybe four?

No, better than gold.

Platinum!

Let's go someplace
and talk contract, huh?

Wait a minute, you mean us?

- But this was all for Isaac.
- He's the one you want.

Oh, no, ladies.

Go ahead. Sign away.

That was... the way I
had it planned anyway.

- Right, let's go.
- [EXCITED CHATTER]

You really are one
sharp talent scout, Isaac.

Well, at least he finally
got my name right.

- Gin.
- This is all wrong.

And I meant what I said. You
shouldn't be stuck with me.

You should have been
at that party tonight,

having a good time,
finding another guy.

I like it here. For
one thing, I'm winning.

As of now, just a little
bit over... $ , .

Besides, I have
to get used to you.

Don't forget, I'm
going to marry you.

And I want a real wedding in that
cute little church around the corner.

That'll be some wedding.
You in your white veil

and me in my black inner tube.

How would you like
to take your bride-to-be

for a nice walk up on the deck?

No way.

I don't want anyone to see me.

There won't be anyone
there at this hour.

Naturally you expect me to leave
the jacket here while we go walking.

Not at all. Leave it on.
No problem. Come on.

You're acting kind of
funny. What's going on?

Look, it's just your regular
last-night-of-the-cruise

walk-in-the-moonlight.
It comes with the meals.

That's all it's going to be?

Just a late night walk on
deck, and nobody there?

What else could it be?

Silly!

Come on! [CHUCKLES]

Well, I guess the night
has to end sometime.

Remember what you
said to me this afternoon?

Oh, I said so many wonderful
things, it's hard to remember.

You said you needed somebody
who could live in the present.

- I did.
- Mm-hm.

- And this is the present.
- Mm-hm.

Well, then, I guess
we better get started.

Mm.

Good. There's nobody here.

Honey, I can see how you'd
never be able to make any progress

feeling that everybody's
laughing at you.

Well... that's why I want
you to find somebody else.

I love you too much to
subject you to all that ridicule.

- Lovely night, isn't it?
- It certainly is.

Is this your idea of a joke? Then
go ahead, have your big laugh!

Excuse me. May we join
you? This is my daughter, Vicki.

- Hi, Vicki.
- Hi.

- Mrs. Norris and Mr. Dobson.
- How do you do?

Any room left in this group?

For me?

What's going on?

Oh, just a meeting of the Hot
Tub and Friendly Phobiac Society.

You see, honey, you seemed to think
that you didn't have any friends on board,

that everybody
was ridiculing you.

So we just sort of...
passed the word along

in case anybody wanted to
come forward and prove you wrong.

Ta-da!

[VANESSA CHUCKLES]

In all my years at sea, I've
never seen such concern.

Our passengers are
wearing their badges of honor,

- to show that they're pulling for you.
- Even the crew's wearing them.

If this ship hadn't been
called the Love Boat before...

it would have earned
its name tonight.

Glenn, we all wear security
jackets of one kind or another.

We all have fears.

We all need each other.

We offer you our understanding.

[CHEERING]

If you only knew
how silly you all look

wearing those dumb life jackets!

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, Glenn!

[CHEERING]

[CHATTER]

Hey!

Isaac, Gopher, thanks for
a very successful vacation.

I guess it was.

Most guys would be satisfied to
bring home the lady they brought.

- You're bringing back three new ones.
- [LAUGHTER]

Isaac, we want to thank you
for everything you did for us.

- Oh, it was nothing.
- No, we're really grateful.

And to prove it,
when we're big stars,

we're gonna let you have
all our albums wholesale!

[LAUGHTER]

- Whoo!
- HUMPHREY: Let's go.

Look, I'm coming back
as soon as I'm sure

I've got my head
straightened out for good.

Well, you know where to find me.

Are you sure you don't
want your ring back?

No way. I think I'm all
through with crutches.

The only thing I need
from now on... is you.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Hey, aren't you Brian Kiley,
the famous quarterback?

I used to be.

Oh, there's the captain.
Let's go say goodbye.

- Captain.
- Yes.

We can't thank you
enough for all you've done.

That's not necessary.
The best of luck to you both.

- Thank you.
- What are you going to do with that?

I was going to keep
it as a souvenir,

but I think I'd rather
never see it again.

- [SPLASH]
- [CHEERING]

- Thank you.
- Bye!

This cruise has certainly
been a humdinger.

- It sure has!
- It sure has!

- Hey, Dad!
- Yes?

That life jacket he
threw in the water?

- Mm-hm?
- The one he was wearing

- all the time to give him confidence?
- What about it?

It sank!