02x25 - A Nightmare on d*ck Street: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

Here you go.

Yes!

My x-ray glasses!

Look out, women of rutherford!

From now on,

d*ck solomon no longer
has to use his imagination!

Nina...

You're supposed to be naked.

I'm wearing my lead teddy.

Damn!

When they found him,

He was completely devoured
by woodland creatures.

Guess what came.

Oh! It's from the
friedhoffer foundation!

Well? Oh!

Well...

I got it! They accepted
my application!

I'm going to borneo!

What's so great about borneo?

Oh, d*ck, this is a
tremendous opportunity.

A chance to really study,

To immerse myself
in a primitive culture.

Congratulations, mary.

I myself could
never live in the wild.

I've got to rub this
in dr. Erdman's face.

Let's go to the faculty lounge

And just let it slip
out accidentally.

Bring the letter.

I'll set, you spike.

Ha ha ha!

Oh, borneo... How
wonderful for her.

She could use a weekend away.

Oh, dr. Solomon, she's
going to be going for a year.

A year?!

Well, she can't go
away for a year!

We're in a relationship.

We just bought a
fondue pot together.

We've got plans!

Uh, it's going to
take a lot more

Than hot cheese
to keep her here.

You're going to have to
make a bigger commitment.

What, you mean
like an electric wok?

I mean like... A
marriage proposal.

Ooh, you may be onto something.

If she was my wife, she'd be so
busy cooking and doing chores,

She'd have no time for borneo.

So here's something interesting.

I've decided to ask
dr. Albright to marry me.

What do you think?

That'd be a terrible idea!
What?! Don't be an idiot!

Great, then it's settled.

d*ck, you can't marry her.
You're not even the same species.

She doesn't know that.

As far as she knows, I'm
just like everybody else.

Yeah, but eventually she'd figure
out you're not like everybody else,

And then she and I would
have to go for a little walk.

You wouldn't!

Sure, d*ck. Of
course I wouldn't.

Besides, she's never
going to find out.

I'm not going to
let her find out.

Oh, well, that's good.

You can base your
entire marriage

On one horrible, gigantic lie.

Well, for a start.

Ooh...

I dropped my toast point.

Oh, allow me, my petite fromage.

Aah! Aah!

Extremely hot!

Champagne?

Thank you.

Mary...

There comes a time
in every woman's life

When she has to decide
whether or not to go to borneo.

d*ck, I've already
made my decision.

And that decision was?

To go to borneo.

Oh, right.

Right. Mary, there's
something I have to ask you.

I may not be a rich man,

I may not be a young man,

I may not be a fireman...

But I am a man who cares
about you very deeply.

And I can't bear
the thought of you

Going away for a whole year.

Well, it's going to be
hard for me, too, d*ck.

Then why did you apply for this
borneo trip in the first place?

Well, I applied
before we were...

Sleeping together?

No, we were sleeping together.

I just wasn't sure
if we were serious.

Have you ever slept with
someone you weren't serious about?

Uh... No.

The point is, we are.

Sleeping together?

Serious.

Oh, I'm sorry I didn't tell
you about this sooner,

Because there shouldn't
be any secrets between us.

Well, maybe a few secrets.

Just to keep things interesting.

No...

Because a relationship
is built on honesty.

Ok, look, I'll let you
have 5 little secrets

If you can let me have
one really big one.

No, d*ck, it doesn't
work that way.

And besides, sooner or later,

We'll find out everything
about each other.

Ooh!

Now, what was it
you wanted to say?

Mary...

Promise me if sally ever
asks you to take a little walk,

You'll run!

[Soft barking]

[Heartbeat]

[Metal clanking]

Aah!

A door!

A door!

A door! There's
got to be a door!

Good morning, dr. Solomon.

Uh, good morning, nina.

Get me a cup of coffee?

Dr. Solomon, you know why
you've been brought here?

[Stammering]

Gentlemen.

Where are you taking me?

We're taking you
to the truth room.

Actually, I need to
go to the bathroom.

This is scary!

[Drills whining]

I'll tell you what
you want to know!

I'll tell you the truth!

I promise!

[German accent] of course
you will, dr. Solomon.

Please... Sit.

[Thunder]

[Moan]

Wh-wh-what are you doing?

I am going to t*rture
you until you talk.

Mary, you?

Why do you think they
call me dr. Albright?

But first...

I sing a little song I
write this morning.

[Singing like marlene dietrich]
♪ falling in love again ♪

♪ Never wanted to ♪

♪ What am I to do? ♪

♪ Can't help it ♪

[Blue danube waltz plays]

Oh, d*ck, look at us.

I know you're keeping
something from me.

Please, you're safe.

You don't have to
pretend anymore.

All right.

Mary...

I'm an alien.

That's wonderful!

It is?

Yes! Because...

[Distorted voice]
I'm an alien, too!

Waah!

[Classical music plays]

[Birds chirping]

[Thus spake zarathustra plays]

No! Not jell-o!

Not jell-oooo!

Aah!

Run from the jell-o!
Run from the jell-o!

d*ck, what's going on?

There's jell-o everywhere!

Not on the bed!
You'll crush mary!

Mary, I'm coming!

I'm coming to get you! Mary!

Mary!

d*ck, calm down.

There's no mary
here. There's no jell-o.

There's only you.

I... I... I... I don't know
what happened!

All I know is if I had a mommy

I'd want her right now!

Have any of you ever
had your sleep invaded

By scary and almost metaphorical
images you can't control?

No. No.

Oh, wait!

No.

Well, then what's wrong with me?

Well, august's uncle once had
a complete mental breakdown.

He went to a psychiatrist.

A psycho-who-a-what?

d*ck, you know what
a psychiatrist is.

I know. I'm just so nervous.

Don, what happens to people?

Are they born bad,

Or one day, do their
minds just snap?

If only we knew, sally.

One minute, little johnny
normal is on his paper route,

The next minute, there's a
pile of dead bank guards,

And johnny is using
grandma as a human shield.

So it's true, then.

I mean, you go to bed normal and
you wake up a deranged psychopath?

It happens.

Here, take a look
at this creep, sally.

Karl borskey... Wanted
for grand theft auto

In dayton, sandusky,
and greater wapakoneta,

And now believed to
be here in rutherford.

I nab this dirtbag,
I make detective.

This guy's mine. All mine!

But you still like
girls, right, don?

Damn straight, sugar.

Good.

Oh, no!

No, no, no! It can't be!

It's 1994!

d*ck, they're just
old magazines.

Oh.

For 100 bucks an hour,

You'd think he could
renew a subscription.

So, why are you here, d*ck?

Oh, you know, just a checkup.

I thought maybe you
could give my brain

A quick once-over, no biggie.

Has something
been troubling you?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

How about you? You seem tense.

Can I get you
something? A cappuccino?

d*ck, you're holding back.

Now, anything said in this room

Is absolutely confidential.

Really?

Ok!

I don't belong on this planet,

I'm an alien from
another galaxy,

The warranty on
my brain just expired,

And I'm scared to get married!

That's a start.

At first, all sally
ever did was complain

About how I forced
her to become a woman,

But now, you know,
all the time, it's,

"Ooh, look at my
body. I am so hot."

This is your daughter?

Sally? No, she's my sister.

I'm sorry, it's just that she's
20 years younger than you.

Do you think I should
make her be my daughter?

Because that's doable.

I think we'll talk
about this later, d*ck.

The hour's up. We have
to end this session.

Well, so... I'm all better?

Well, I don't deal in
a world of "better."

I don't speak that language.

But, no, you're not
even close to better.

Right now, I'm going to
prescribe these pills.

They're called placion.

Oh, will they grow my hair back?

No.

Although they do occasionally
cause male lactation.

Oh. Interesting.

Those'll take the edge off,

Help you deal with
some your anxiety.

We'll see you next week.

So what did he do?

Nothing.

He didn't even open up my head.

Just gave me these little pills.

Just as I suspected. Nothing!

Hi, d*ck.

Hello, my love.

I had a wonderful
time last night.

Mmm.

Made me realize
just what we have,

And I've come to a decision.

I'm not going to borneo.

Oh, that's too bad.

I thought you wanted me to stay.

Well, then stay.

Do you want me to stay or not?

Oh, whatever.

Well, maybe I will go
to borneo after all.

You know, borneo...

Where the sun gets so
hot, the dress code is naked.

Because if you don't
care, I don't care.

Of course I care. I love you.

And I love knotty
pine and sherbet...

Dryer-fresh towels
and those clips

That keep snack chips fresh.

So when you go,

I'll have 4 of the 5
things that I love.

Fine.

I'll send you a postcard.

Oh, right.

I love postcards, too.

Hey, get me away
from this wacko!

Shut up!

Sally, what are you doing?

Look who I caught
squeezing the charmin.

But, sally, that
isn't against the law.

It's karl borskey.

Gaah!

Yes, I know it's karl borskey!

Lock him up!

Careful with those
pantyhose. They're dkny.

So, don...

You want to buy a
doughnut for the gal

Who just made you detective?

I'm not in the mood
for doughnuts.

No doughnuts, don?

No.

What's wrong?

A man isn't a man

If he doesn't have respect.

Borskey should
have been mine, sally.

It was just a fluke, don.

I mean, if you'd run
out of toilet paper,

You could have caught him.

You know what the
sick irony is, sally?

I am out of toilet paper!

So, harry, you got any 3s?

Go fish.

How was work today, d*ck?

Oh, just fine.

How'd it go with albright?

Oh, just fine.

How would it feel

To have broken glass
rubbed in your eye?

Just fine.

d*ck?

Just fine.

d*ck, exactly what did
this psychiatrist do to you?

Oh, we chatted a bit, and
he put everything in order.

Oh, by the way, sally,
you're now my daughter.

I'm your what? Snap out of it.

My sister.

My daughter.

My sister.

My daughter.

My sister and my daughter.

Tommy, do you have any 9s?

Go fish.

I don't mind if I
do. I love fish.

Wait, d*ck, no! You're not
actually supposed to go fishing.

Let him go! Let him go!

Ok, this is scaring me.
This is getting worse.

You've got to call the
big giant head right now.

No.

Only the high commander
has that authority.

d*ck is out of commission,
and as second-in-command,

I order you to call him now!

Ok, fine...

But I'm not
broadcasting in stereo.

Man's got to have his limit!

You have reached
the transmitting signal

For the big giant head.

All big giant circuits
are busy right now.

Please stay on the line.

[Hums girl from ipanema]

[Slow romantic music plays]

[Speaking italian]

Oh, donatello...

You fill my life
with danger and fire.

[Italian accent] sally, you
scare-a the hell out of me.

Shut up and dance.

[Tango plays]

What is the meaning of this?

Uh, sally, i... Um...

Mmm.

Oh!

I should have told you.

I'm a chicken.

A chicken?

No! No!

Si.

I could never give
myself to poultry.

Sally.

Sally, no!

Sally!

[g*nsh*t] unh!

Donatello!

Donatello!

How could i?

Oh!

Oh, god! Oh, god!

What? What? What's wrong?

Nothing! Nothing!

Nothing at all.

I just had a great
night's sleep.

No... No problems, here.

How would you like your bass?

Oh, you know what?

I gotta go. Uh... Uh...
There's a big sale.

Yeah, a sale on potatoes!

Big potato sale!
Potato chip sale!

Stop staring at me!

Mmm! Bass and potato chips.

And then there were 2.