14x03 - Nicked by a Name/The Play's the Thing

[bunniefuu]

♪ Every day, when you're
walking down the street ♪

♪ Everybody that you meet
has an original point of view ♪

(laughing)

♪ And I say, hey ♪

Hey!

♪ What a wonderful kind of day ♪

♪ If we could learn
to work and play ♪

♪ And get along
with each other ♪

♪ You got to listen to
your heart, listen to the beat ♪

♪ Listen to the rhythm,
the rhythm of the street ♪

♪ Open up your eyes,
open up your ears ♪

♪ Get together and make things
better by working together ♪

♪ It's a simple message,
and it comes from the heart ♪

♪ Believe in yourself ♪

♪ Believe in yourself ♪

♪ For that's the place
to start ♪

♪ Place to start ♪

♪ And I say, hey ♪

Hey!

Hey!

♪ What a wonderful kind of day ♪

♪ If we can learn to work
and play ♪

♪ And get along
with each other ♪

Hey!

♪ What a wonderful kind of day ♪

Hey!

♪ What a wonderful kind
of day ♪

Hey!

ARTHUR (on TV):
Hey, D.W.!

Hey!

Whoa!

(loud thud)

(letters shattering)

(panting)

Sticks and stones can break
my bones,

but words can never hurt me.

At least that's what they say.

(grunts, rocks rumbling)

Ouch!

But some words can hurt.

I think I just skinned
my knee.

Mean words can really
get under your skin.

Huh?

(yells)

Or they can sting you.

Ow!

(buzzing)

(yelling)

Sometimes one little word can
make you feel so rotten

that you just want
to disappear...!

(barks)

Cool!

(chanting):
Lakewood, Lakewood!

Our team rules!

We will beat all other schools!

I got it! I got it!

I don't got it.

Buster, do you have
a hole in your foot?

If you play like that, we'll
never beat Mighty Mountain.

Francine! Heads up!

(kids cheering)

Oh, yeah!

I'm bad! I'm bad!

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo!

Give it up for Francine
the Soccer Queen!

Mighty Mountain's
got no chance,

when Francine does
her soccer dance!

Great cheer, Muffy!

And I like the sound of that:
"Francine the Soccer Queen."

FRANCINE:
Good one, Brain.

BINKY:
Hey!

What about a nickname for me?

Sorry, Binky.

Genius can't be rushed.

Francine got her name quick.

Now I want mine quick, too.

That's a pretty tall order.

Hey, wait a minute.

How about "Tall Order"?

I like it!

It says "strength" and "power"

but with a charming
"bad boy" attitude.

Hey, George!

Give me your apple.

(gasps)

That's an order...

A Tall Order.

Oh...

Thanks, Brain.

Do me next! Do me!

Maybe later.

I need to get to the library.

BUSTER:
Hi, Brain.

What you reading?

It's a book
on advertising.

I thought I might learn
some pointers

to help boost sales
at the ice cream shop.

Uh-huh.

Hey, I was wondering if you'd
give me a cool nickname

like you did for Francine
and Binky.

Well, I'm kind of busy.

Please?

I'll help you brainstorm
slogans for the shop.

Get it?

Brain... storm?

Yeah, yeah, I get it.

All right, give me a second.

Hmm...

Remember, you're not selling
a product.

You're selling the experience
of a product.

How does it make you feel?

I take one look at this kid
and I think... humor.

He's a clown, a gagman.

His name should make you want
to bust a gut laughing.

By golly, you're good, Alan!

You've got the account.

(lollipops click)

Okay, your new nickname is
"Bust-a-Gut Baxter."

Um... I like it!

I'm not sure I know what it
means, but I like it.

Thanks!

Hi, Brain.

What about my nickname?

Not right now, Arthur.

I really have to get
some reading done.

BRAIN:
"Viral marketing is when
your product or catchphrase

spreads quickly from person
to person, like the flu."

Cool! I'd love
to see that in action!

What'll it be, George?

Frozen yogurt,
fruit smoothie?

Actually, I'm not here
to buy anything.

I just wanted a nickname.

Can't you come up with your own?

I tried, but mine
are awful.

The best I came up with
was Dummy Kid.

Actually,
that was Wally's.

But I think it might give
people the wrong idea.

All right, all right.

Kids today
love their accessories.

From sunglasses
to cell phone straps,

the more gear hanging on them,
the cooler the kid.

But... what's cooler
than a pair of antlers?

It's a built-in accessory.

"Head Gear."

Cool!

It sounds futuristic.

Thanks!

Have no fear,
'cause Head Gear is here!

(making whooshing sound)

Hey, Brain,

I was wondering
if you thought up a nick...

Later, Arthur.

I'm kind of busy right now.

Only a few days
before the big game.

Let's tighten up.

Tall Order, go wide!

Here it comes, Bust-a-Gut!

I got it!

Brain!

Huh?

Oh, sorry.

Didn't mean to distract you.

I just thought, you know,

everyone else has
a nickname now, so maybe...

Fine!

You want a nickname?

Here's your nickname.

It's...

The perfect name for
this one is... uh...

Normal Guy.

No, no, wait.

Need-a-Name Read?

Come on, Brain, think, think.

You've lost your touch, Alan.

I'm afraid we're going to have
to give the account to...

Tom Tapir.

Huh?

Well?

I'm waiting.

"Average Arthur." There.

That's your nickname.

Um, could I have
a different one?

I'm not too crazy
about "Average Arthur."

Sorry.

The agency's closed.

Hey, guys.

How's it going?

All right.

How'd you do on the math quiz?

I got a .

Hey, that's average, Arthur.

Get it?

Average... Arthur.

Just like your nickname.

I get it, okay?

Stop rubbing it in.

What's wrong
with Average Arthur?

Bust-a-Gut
hasn't got a clue.

Yoo-hoo, Average Arthur!

Over here!

That's not my name!

Well, then why'd
you answer to it?

Hey, when you're biking, do you
stick to the middle of the road?

(Binky laughing)

Wait, wait, I've got
another one.

Why are you like a box
of old donuts?

Because you're a dime a dozen.

(laughing)

Leave him alone.

How would you like it if someone
called you a mean nickname?

But I like my nickname.

I'm "Tall Order" Barnes,
remember?

You gave it to me.

Well, what if I changed it

and called you
Stinky Binky?

(Buster laughing)

Stinky Binky!

That's pretty funny.

Quit laughing,
Antenna Ears!

Wait-- let me adjust
the picture.

Well, I'd rather be
Antenna Ears than...

than Bossy Boots.

(laughing)

What?

If the shoe fits...

BINKY:
Barf Breath!

(kids all calling out
mean nicknames)

(to himself):
Oh, no.

The nicknames have gone viral!

What have I done?

Got to hand it to you, Alan.

You really started something

with that mean nickname
craze you created.

Genius!

I didn't intend for it
to be mean.

I just...

Doesn't matter.

Soon every kid will have one,
even if they don't want one.

We thought you might like
to meet some of the kids

whose lives you've changed.

Enjoy!

(yells)

Buh... Buh... Binky?

"Binky"?

Who's that?

That's what you used
to be called.

Remember, Stinky?

Oh, yeah.

That was way back
when Antenna Ears was...

What was his name again?

Buster!

My name was Buster!

You've got to help us!

You've got
to change us back!

Yeah, you
started this.

Now you have
to fix it.

I... I don't know how.

Why don't you use
your brain, Brain?

I'm trying.

I'm trying!

(yells)

(chanting):
Mighty Mountain, we win games!

Lakewood kids
have dumb nicknames!

Comin' at you, Stinky!

(sniffing)

(whistle blows)

Come on, show some hustle,
Stink... I mean, Binky!

You tell him, Bossy Boots!

Mighty Mountain!
Hear our cheers!

Pass it to Antenna Ears!

Time out!

(whistle blows)

Come on, guys.

We've got to focus.

We can't be distracted
by those silly nicknames.

Easy for you to say.

All I wanted was a cool nickname

like "Francine
the Soccer Queen,"

and I got stuck
with "Average Arthur."

"Cool nickname."

That's it!

You can't stop a virus
once it's spreading,

but you can introduce
a different virus.

Okay, guys, time for cool
new soccer nicknames!

Arthur, your new nickname is
Awesome Action Aardvark.

Cool!

Hey Binky, what if
you were... Barnstormer!

I like it!

And Buster, you can be
Eat-My-Dust Buster,

the fastest rabbit
in Lakewood Elementary.

And I'll just stay
Francine the Soccer Queen.

I always liked that one.

Together we are
the Goal-Getters!

Now let's go and get some goals!

How touching.

Are you going to stand around
calling each other nice names,

or are you going to play?

Both.

Let's show 'em some
Lakewood lovin', guys!

Give us a chant, Muffy!

We don't care what you call us,

you can never
out-foot-ball us!

Go... Lakewood!

(whistle blows)

(crowd cheering)

We won! We won!

We won!

Yeah!

Hey, I just realized,
we never gave you a nickname.

BRAIN:
I don't need one.

I'm already "Brain."

FRANCINE:
"Brain" is old.

How about "Pal'n Alan"?

BRAIN:
No, thanks.

BUSTER:
"The Name-inator"?

BRAIN:
No!

BINKY:
"Sir Thinks-a-lot"?

BRAIN:
Cut it out!

And now...

BOY:
We want to find out how things
in our town got their names.

We are researching how
our school got its name.

It's Donald E. Ross.

BOY:
Donald E. Ross was a soldier
and a teacher.

BOY:
I think Ross School was named
after Mr. Ross

because he must have been
a great teacher.

BOY:
And we're going to found out how
our town got its name.

The name of my town
is Braintree.

Brain-tree.

It's two words put together.

Maybe brains grew on trees
back then,

so they called it Braintree.

You can look
in the encyclopedia.

We found brain.

It says right here brain stem.

Our town is not called brain
stem, it's called Braintree.

We can go on the Internet.

Over here it says the Braintree
Historical Society.

GIRL:
We sent an e-mail to the
Braintree Historical Society

to come help us.

I'm Norah Kyle.

I'm here from the Braintree
Historical Society.

I got your e-mail.

Braintree, Massachusetts,
was probably named Braintree

because there was a town called
Branchtreau in England--

a very, very old French word--
meaning tree on a hill.

But it became known
as Braintree.

BOY:
It's not even about
brains or trees.

It's actually named after
a town in England.

BOY:
And the Monatiquot River group
will find out

how the Monatiquot River,
which is a river in our town,

got its name.

GIRL:
And Hartman told us about
Monatiquot River.

I am a Wampanoag cultural
educator from wampspeaker.com.

We learned that it's not
"Muhn-adequate,"

it's "Mon-a-tuck-quit."

Monatiquot, actually,
is how it's pronounced

and it comes from the language
of Wampanoag.

It means "the Creator's river."

Before the Europeans
came over here,

this was the center
of Wampanoag country.

It's a river that was sacred
to our folks, and still is.

BOY:
It's important to know
where it came from.

We want to know
because it's history.

BOY:
If you know something's name,
you know more about it.

And now...

(eerie music playing)

ANNOUNCER:
Welcome to
The Planet Without Stuff.

This is what you've been
so excited about?

A website?

Big deal!

It's more than
just a website.

You actually get to see
stuff getting older.

All you need is
an image of something.

You just take a picture,

upload it to your
computer, and... ta-da!

Whoa, that is cool!

Let's try it on something else.

How about this YumYum
Frosted Cakey Cake?

(shutter clicks)

What's in that thing?!

I don't know,
but it's delicious!

I want to see what happens
when a place gets old.

Here's a picture of the
playground I took when I was

trying out my new camera.

BINKY:
That's what our playground
will look like

in the future?

I guess only Cakey Cakes
last forever.

Want some?

Uh... no, thanks.

Yee-ha!

You're going to love this.

You ready?

Everyone looking?

We're ready already!

Just show it to us.

Ta-da!

"The customer is always right."

Get it?

We're the Tough Customers.

That'll put fear
into the kiddies.

I got one for each of us.

It's spelled wrong.

It says, "The 'costumer'
is always right."

What's scary about that?

We could dress up the kids
in bad costumes.

Oh, man!

And I spent five bucks
each on those.

They wouldn't have
noticed, anyway.

Look at them.

BINKY:
Ever since Muffy got
that dumb new phone,

no one's been playing.

All my water balloons
are going to waste.

And I even used filtered water.

Maybe it's time we had
a little talk with them.

Check out the latest feature
on the mySmartPhoney.

I just touch this
and I can identify any smell.

(phone sniffing)

FEMALE VOICE:
Pickles and sweat.

Amazing!

I just ate a pickle,
and I'm sweating.

Now, with this "pro"--
that's short for "program"--

I can do...

MOLLY:
Hey!

You kids don't look like
you're having enough "fun."

Yeah,

we thought we should
help you have more "fun."

Ready for your "fun"?

If you get one drop of water
on my mySmartPhoney,

my Daddy will sue
your pants off.

Let's go inside.

All this sun makes it hard
to see the screen.

My arm hurts.

We can't be pushed around
by a little phone.

These kids are going to play
in this playground

or my name isn't Binky Barnes!

(whistling)

Get ready.

(phone beeps)

BINKY:
Hey, everyone! Look!

A free pizza!

Mine! Mine!

I call the first slice!

MUFFY:
Wait! Let me check that.

(phone beeps)

PHONE:
(sniffs)... Cardboard.

There's no pizza in there.

The mySmartPhoney would
have picked the scent up.

It's a trap.

(someone clearing throat)

BUSTER:
You're a cruel boy,
Binky Barnes!

Come on, Buster.

I'll show you how I can check
the weather in Siberia.

This is getting boring.

And painful.

(sighs)

I never thought I'd say this,

but maybe it's time to stop
being Tough Customers.

BINKY:
What?!

You're kidding, right?

What's the point
in being menacing

if there's no one to menace?

BINKY:
Well... what about George?

We can menace him.

George!

Come over here!

Aw...

(yawns)

Okay.

I'm ready.

I don't know, Binky.

It's too easy.

I enjoy the chase.

Just give me a few more days.

I'll think of something.

Okay.

We'll wait till Friday.

After that, I'm going solo.

GEORGE:
Well?

I don't have all day, you know.

(phone beeping)

Binky Barnes is here
to see you, Miss Muffy.

Send him in.

I just found this
great new pro.

You create a profile

and it tells you what you feel
like eating at that moment.

PHONE:
Monkfish in dill sauce.

Huh?

Oh, well, I guess I'll try it.

Here.

What's that?

A bribe.

I want you to put away that
mcPhooey, or whatever it is,

during recess.

Crosswires cannot be bribed.

At least not for that little.

Why do you care, anyway?

Because no one's using
the playground anymore.

Hello! We're eight!

Who wants to go down a slide

when they're eight?

Well, what if you were going
down a slide

and dodging water balloons?

Then it would be like...

like a ride
at an amusement park.

Amusement park?

You might just have
something there.

You bet I have something!

What do I have?

We could call it
Muffy Crosswire Land,

or maybe Muffy Crosswire World.

Muffy Crosswire Universe!

Bailey?

Send up two plates of monkfish
in dill sauce.

Binky and I
have work to do.

MUFFY:
And with your permission,
Muffyland Enterprises,

a limited liability subsidiary
of Crosswire Motors,

will transform our tired old
playground

into a world of wonder!

Huh?

(playing jazzy tune)

Hmm...

I guess our playground could
use a little sprucing up.

Great!

Just sign here...

and here...

and initial there...

and there...

Oh, just a few more.

So, you really think

this is going to get kids using
the playground again?

MUFFY:
Are you kidding?

There'll be a line
around the school to get in.

And we can still throw
water balloons, right?

Yes, but only
in the Water Wonderland.

What?

But you said...

Sorry, I had to make room

for the Muffy's Wild Safari
Experience.

And tell the Tough Customers

we'll need them to operate
the rides.

It'll cut down on overhead.

(sniffs)

PHONE:
Dirty toes
and unwashed ears.

And... take a bath.

(school bell rings)

(kids laughing and shouting)

(collective gasp)

MUFFY:
Tickets! Tickets!

Only three dollars!

To get into the playground?

To get into Muffy's World
of Wonder!

It's a whole new experience
in playgrounding.

Step right up.

Try the Twirl-'n'-Shake.

Wait.

You didn't get
your shake.

Uhh...

(yawns)

(scary organ music playing)

Boo.

That's not very scary.

Oh, yeah?

Well, how about this?

"The customer is
always... right

That doesn't make any sense.

Oh, man!

I got to get
a dictionary.

(roaring)

(laughing)

BINKY:
Stop laughing!

It's not supposed to be funny.

GEORGE:
Hey, there's no one
at the Water Wonderland!

Finally!

MOLLY:
Okay, George.

Ready for Muffy's
Wacky Water Ride?

MR. HANEY:
Stop!

All rides are hereby shut down!

You can't charge students
to use the playground.

But I have to.

It's very expensive to maintain.

The insurance alone
costs a fortune.

Well, then, you'll just have
to take it all down.

This is a not-for-profit
institution.

MOLLY:
That's it.

I quit.

ARTHUR:
Nice move.

FRANCINE:
Red three on black two.

Can I play solitaire next?

I'm not giving up.

BINKY:
Whoo! This is
so much fun!

Look at me, I'm upside down!

Oh, head rush.

(thud)

Your turn, Buster.

(phone beeping)

BUSTER:
I win! Yeah!

(swing set creaking)

BINKY:
Hey.

BINKY:
Relax.

I just came to talk.

(sighs)

You and I are the only ones
left in the playground.

Can I sit?

Sure.

You know,

this place used to be fun.

And not just because
of the Tough Customers.

It was fun to just run around
and chase each other and...

(thud)

Hey!

Tag! You're it!

Oh, you better run fast,
because I'm coming to get you!

And with this pro,

I can chat to people who have
the same shoe size as me.

I'll be right back.

(Binky and George
shouting playfully)

But... I have more features
to show you!

(giggling)

(splat)

Hey!

We just thought you might not
be having enough... fun!

(Tough Customers laughing)

Hey!

Wait for me!

(kids laughing)

You can find Arthur books
and lots of other books, too,

at your local library.

♪ What a wonderful kind
of day ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ What a wonderful kind
of day ♪

♪ Hey! ♪