11x04 - Phony Fern/Brain's Shocking Secret

[bunniefuu]

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♪ Every day, when you're
walking down the street ♪

♪ Everybody that you meet
has an original point of view ♪

( laughing )

♪ And I say, hey ♪
Hey!

♪ What a wonderful kind of day ♪

♪ If you could learn
to work and play ♪

♪ And get along
with each other ♪

♪ You got to listen to
your heart, listen to the beat ♪

♪ Listen to the rhythm,
the rhythm of the street ♪

♪ Open up your eyes,
open up your ears ♪

♪ Get together and make things
better by working together ♪

♪ It's a simple message,
and it comes from the heart ♪

♪ Believe in yourself ♪
♪ Believe in yourself ♪

♪ For that's the place
to start ♪
♪ Place to start ♪

♪ And I say, hey ♪
Hey!

Hey!
♪ What a wonderful kind of day ♪

♪ If you can learn to work
and play ♪

♪ And get along
with each other ♪

Hey!
♪ What a wonderful kind of day ♪

Hey!
♪ What a wonderful kind
of day. ♪

Hey!

ARTHUR ( over TV ):
Hey, D.W.!

Hey!

Whoa!
( loud thud )

( letters shattering )

(with French accent):
Quickly, Bastings!

I fear we may already
be too late!

(laughing)

Ah! Virgule Watteau!

I knew you would find me here.

And I knew
that you knew.

You see, Baron,
Virgule Watteau--

she is always one step ahead.

Arrest that
kidnapper, Bastings!

Not this time, Watteau!

Not if you want to see your
dearest friend alive again!

One false move
and I'll drop him!

(laughing)

(sneezes)

GIRL:
Oh, no!

(with English accent):
Sorry. Must be a cat in here.

Bastings! He dropped him!

I'll apprehend the Baron.

You get to the street, Bastings!

This will be quicker
than the stairs!

(crowd gasping)

Whoa!

Look! Virgule Watteau's
got the Baron.

She's done it again.
(crowd cheering)

But at what cost?

WATTEAU:
My dearest friend
in the world,

no one will ever know
how I felt about you!

My pauvre... little...

Portilex

with wireless ChatBack
and ring tones.

Speak to me!

Why...?!

GIRL (in movie):
Oh, Babu!
You're the best elephant

a little girl could ever have!

(cell phone ringing)

It's my brother!

He's calling from college.

Hi, Chip.

How's Tallahassee Tech?

Did you make captain
of the swim team?
Shh!

Sure, I can talk.

The movie's
almost over.

Uh-huh. No!
Shh!

That's so

unfair!

Sorry.

You have to tell Daddy!

You know he paid
for their badminton court.

FERN:
I was really glad you
invited me to the movies,

but I wish you had
turned your phone off.

I mean, I don't even
know how it ended.

Huh?

Oh, the elephant dies.

It's really sad.

(giggling)

Muffy, what are you looking at?

I'm just texting Bailey.

But he's right outside!

Oh. I didn't notice.

I... see... you...

Bailey.

She was more interested
in that phone than in me.

It was infuriating!

What's so great about
cell phones anyway?

BUSTER:
They make life easier.

You don't have to carry around
change for pay phones.

But people are
on them constantly!

Just look around you.

He's using one. So is she.
And her.

And him! And all of them!

They all have little machines
plastered to their ears.

BUSTER:
You're right!

It's like the phones

are controlling them,
altering their brain waves

and turning them into a species

of babbling robots.

(phone ringing)
(screams)

Mom? I'm on my way.

Get off the phone
before it turns
you into a robot.

Here. Have
some carrots.

You'll never see me
with one of those things.

(phone ringing)

DAD:
Now, it's only for emergencies.

Or if I want
to reach you

because I'm running late
to pick you up from school.

Or if I'm away
on a business trip

and you just want
to say hello.
Ow!

MOTHER:
But don't use it
too much. Okay, honey?

FERN:
Trust me. I won't.

You don't like it?
Did I get the wrong color?

They had one
with polka dots.

I could exchange it.

Oh. No, Mom, it's perfect.

Thank you.

Fernie, don't forget
the instruction booklet.

(children shouting playfully)

"To engage security function,
press star- ."

AUTOMATED VOICE (over alarm):
Security breach.

Step away from the phone.

Step away
from the phone.

MUFFY (gasps):
You have the Portilex ?

I have the Portilex !

I just got it! The other one

I had was so last fall.

Big deal-- it's
just a phone.

Fern, the Portilex
is not just a phone.

It's a comprehensive
telecommunications system

with ever-expanding interfaces.
See?

It says so right there.

What's your
ring tone?
Beats me.

You haven't
selected one yet?

Here.

I'll help you.
There are of them, you know.

Menu. Options.

Settings. Preferences. Tones.

Ring Library. Folder B.
File ...

(groans)
Just choose anything!

I really don't ca...

( Masterpiece Theatre
theme playing )

That's the theme to
Midafternoon Mystery Theater.

My favorite show!

Pretty cool, huh? Scoot over.

I'll show you how
to operate ChatBack.

That's the instant-
messaging feature.

Ooh! And you'll
love the camera!

Look, Bastings. A clue.

It is a feather from the boa
of the missing countess.

Great Scott,
Watteau!

Here. Put it
in my clue pouch,

and we'll show it
to Inspector Clapp!

There is no need,
mon ami.

Virgule Watteau
will photograph it

with her Portilex .

Her what?
(shutter clicks)

Voilà!

Is not the image clear

and the colors lifelike?

You can't have
a cell phone!

It's supposed
to be the s.

Ah, but Virgule Watteau--

she is always one step ahead.

(gasps)

(regular voice):
I think I lost it!

Mmm, let's see...

Menu. Options.
Yikes!

Gallery...

Your mustache,
Watteau!

Thanks.

Now, let's see,
would it be

in "Recent Photos"
or "Image Library"?

♪ I never thought
it could be true... ♪

♪ That I'd be so fond of you ♪

♪ I'm flesh and blood ♪

♪ And you're just a piece
of plastic ♪

♪ But when I hear you start
to ring ♪

Shh!
♪ Something in me wants
to sing ♪

♪ And with you in my hand... ♪

I feel fantastic!

♪ You're my purple friend ♪

♪ My special
purple friend ♪

BOTH:
♪ And together,
there is nothing we can't do ♪

♪ Text a buddy ♪
♪ Go online ♪

♪ Snap a photo ♪
♪ Check the time ♪

♪ Write a sonnet ♪
♪ I'll get on it ♪

♪ Oh, this feeling's
unexpected ♪

♪ But now we're
so connected ♪

♪ My little purple
friend ♪

♪ And me...! ♪

(classical ring tone playing)

Hey, Muffy.

No! She broke up with him?

Is Chip upset?

What was Lexi thinking?!

Schuyler?

I thought he was seeing Lexi.

Oh, Biff's seeing Lexi.

(laughing)

How'd they get a cow
in the library?

Fernie?

Hold on.

I have three houses to show,

so I may be home
late tonight,

but your father's
making dinner.

Bye, sweetie!

How'd they get it out?

(laughs)

That Biff!

Uh-huh.

Yeah?

That's terrible.

I know!

So now my toenails are
"Strawberry Surprise"

and my fingernails
are "Ravishing Red."

It's a complete disaster.

Here, I'll send you a picture.

(laughs)

I don't know.

Maybe turkey on whole wheat.

I'm in a turkey mood today.

Looks like the Machines
have taken control of Fern.

Soon, they'll have enslaved
the entire planet.

Not me, though;
I've got my foil ears.

(eerie tone resounding)

(clears throat)

So although the cotton gin

was a leap in technology,
it also increased the demand

for inexpensive labor.

If we turn to chapter...

(phone beeping)

Phone, please.

You can have it back
after school.

But...
You know the rules, Fern.

Hmm, how do I turn this off?

AUTOMATED VOICE (over alarm):
Security breach!

Step away from the phone.
(laughing)

Step away from the phone.

(amplified ticking)

Come on, come on, come on.

(bell ringing)

Whoo-hoo. All right.

Oh, man, we got
another test tomorrow.
Come on.

Can I please have my
phone back now, Mr. Ratburn?

It's in here
somewhere.

Buster's homework excuses,
extra red pens,

Plato's Republic...

Ah!

Wait, no, that's
my electric razor.

Fern, I just heard the most
amazing news!

(voice breaking up):
You'll never guess what...

happened to my brother
now that he changed...

Hello? Muffy?

Are you there?

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Battery is at ten percent.

Recharge your Portilex now.

Battery is at seven percent.

Please recharge
your Portilex now.

Battery is at five percent.

Recharge your Portilex
immediately!

Four percent, three percent.

Recharge! Recharge!

Two percent! One percent...
(yelling)

If you don't recharge your
Portilex this very second...

(gasps)

(echoing):
No...!

It's all my fault.

I wasn't looking
where I was going.

I'm really sorry.

DAD:
We're not upset
about the phone.

We're just glad
you're okay.

Why were you running away?

Because the battery was dying,

and I was expecting a call
from Muffy.

Fern, we got you the cell phone
so we could call you

and you could
call us.

I know, but we became...

cell phone friends.

I guess I sort of got
carried away.

Our suspect was
four feet and six inches

and he had a limp.

A limp?

By Jove, Watteau!

How can you tell?

Notice, Bastings, the impression
of the right foot is deeper.

But what is this?

A-- how do you say--
lollipop stick.

MUFFY:
Fern, there you are.

I've been trying
to reach you since Friday.

Why haven't you
been answering your phone?

(regular voice):
Oh, I'm sorry, Muffy.

I haven't checked
my messages.

What is that?

My new phone.

The old one broke.

I decided to use my phone
only for emergencies,

so it's probably best
you didn't call me on it.

Don't worry.

I wouldn't call that thing
if you paid me.

I thought so.

Oh, I almost
forgot

to tell you the big news.

Chip's coming home.

We're having dinner on Sunday,
and you're invited.

(with accent):
You see, Bastings?

Sometimes it is
the little gray cells--

not the cell phones--
which make the connection.

BUSTER:
♪ You're in them,
you sh**t them ♪

♪ You make them,
it's "Postcards from You"... ♪

And now, a video from you.

This "Postcard from You"
was made by kids

at Peyton Forest Elementary
School in Atlanta, Georgia.

KIDS:
We like being creative, Buster.

(hip-hop music playing)

(laughing)

STUDENT:
We can be as creative
as we want to be.

(students laughing)

(students chatting)

(cheering)

(hip-hop music continues)

ALL:
We like having fun.

(singing)

I'll sing it!

STUDENT:
If you weren't creative,

you wouldn't learn
how to do anything.

ALL:
Go! Go, Candy, go!

(cheering)

STUDENT:
Being creative is important
in having fun

in doing different things that
you don't know how to do.

BUSTER:
Our next postcard comes

from kids at the Delano
Optional School

in Memphis, Tennessee.

Five, six, seven, eight...

(stamping and clapping a rhythm)

(rapping):
♪ My name's Unique ♪
♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I live in Memphis ♪
♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I like it here ♪
♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's a popular city. ♪
♪ Yeah. ♪

(girls continue
clapping and stamping in rhythm)

♪ My name's Janae ♪
♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I live in Memphis ♪
♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I like it here ♪
♪ Yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause it's for kids. ♪
♪ Yeah. ♪

(girls continue
clapping and stamping)

♪ My name is Jasmine ♪
♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I live in Memphis ♪
♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I like it here ♪
♪ Yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause it's so pretty. ♪

(girls continue
clapping and stamping)

♪ ...five, six, cut. ♪

ALL:
Thank you for visiting
Memphis, Buster.

BUSTER:
To see more
"Postcards from You,"
This better not be one
of your wild goose chases.

Francine Frensky,
prize-winning reporter,

is here with her
colleague Muffy Crosswire

on the trail of... the truth.

I see a lawn mower,

a snow shovel,
a couple of bikes...

PRUNELLA:
I have information concerning
the president.

FRANCINE:
And a talking rake?

I'm behind the rake,
you simpletons.

I'm putting myself in
great peril coming to you.

Is that why you're
disguising your voice?

No, it's just a sore throat.

Now, listen
carefully.

Check the files at
Lakewood Elementary.

Who cares

what President Powers did
in sixth grade?

The shocking deed
happened in...

kindergarten!

(coughs)

Do either of you
have a lozenge?

ARTHUR:
Great news, Mr. President.

Your reputation as
the smartest president

since Thomas Jefferson
is entirely secure.

But she's out there--

the one person
who knows my secret--

and if the press ever gets
hold of it...

(gasps)

We could bring down
the presidency.

This proves it.

President Alan Powers,
a.k.a. "The Brain,"

is not what he seems.

(thunder rumbling)

Hey.

(Mr. Haney humming)

Oh, hello, Alan.

What are you doing here
after school?

I was just getting some things
together for the chess club.

Mrs. Robertson's retiring?

Yes, after years
of teaching kindergarten.

I thought it would be nice
to make a display

of class photos
from every year she taught.

What?!

(gasps)
Where did you get

those photos?

From my private
collection.

You never know who might
become president one day.

Ahem, yes,

very interesting.

Speaking of which, I'm told
you're good at shadow puppets

a-and I have trouble making
a rabbit wearing a top hat.

Let's see, well...

these fingers make the ears,
of course, and...

for the hat...

No, that's more
of a Homburg.

Ah... got a good
top hat going now.

Just a little bit closer.

Except...
oh, criminy.

MR. RATBURN:
Alan!

You're still here.
But...

I have some sketches I want
to show you of hat stands

made by the famous th-
century hat stand manufacturer

Oskar Huelentrop.

You're the
only one I know

who will find them as
fascinating as I do.

(sighs)

BRAIN:
There just has to be a way
to get into that display case

before everyone comes
to school tomorrow.

Why?

What's the big deal?

What's the big deal?!

I'm in two
kindergarten photos.

I should be in your
fourth grade class.

But you were held back,
I know.

Remember, I've been keeping
the secret for you?

And you'll keep
keeping it, right?

'Cause if my
friends found out

the reason I flunked
kindergarten...

They're your friends.

They won't care.

Besides, kindergarten's
ancient history.

And who doesn't care
about ancient history?

If I told you

King Tut had failed
scribe school, you'd care,

all right.

I have to get that
photo, no matter what.

Of course.

It's so simple.

A tunneling machine.

According to my calculations,

I'm now directly underneath
the display case.

All I have to do is drill up.

Ooh!

Oh, my!

Sorry.

Okay, bad idea.

Maybe I just need to close
my eyes for a few minutes.

(yawns)

(birds chirping)

(yawning)

(screams)

It's : !

Okay, don't panic.

Class is out for recess,

so there's a good chance
no one's had time to...

(gasps)

Hey, look at this.

In the kindergarten
class before ours.

ARTHUR:
Is that Brain?

FRANCINE:
The only reason Brain would be

in two photos
in a row is...

Hi, guys. Did you hear
what's for lunch?

Tacos.

Mmm!

Who's up for a game of kickball?

Why did you go to
kindergarten twice?

I didn't. I mean... well...

Brain, did you...
flunk kindergarten?

Brain just wasn't
smart enough

to pass kindergarten
the first time around.

BINKY:
What's the big deal?

Us flunkers need
to stick together.

Ow!

It's actually
"we flunkers,"
not "us flunkers."

And of course
I was smart enough.

I was actually
held back because...

(gulps)

...well, because I'm a genius.

MUFFY:
Brain,

geniuses don't flunk.

On the contrary,

geniuses get bored
easily in school,

so they often do poorly.

Edison, Einstein--
the list is endless.

BINKY:
Well, that explanation
is good enough for me.

And it's good enough
for you, too.

Right?

Oh, yeah.
No debate here.

Makes perfect sense.

Whew!

Thanks for
the support.

Don't mention it.

Maybe at lunch, you could
give me one of your ta...

...cos.

What's wrong?

You said being held back
is a sign of genius.

Yeah?

I was held back
last year.

And you said geniuses
were bored at school.

Well, I'm Mr. Bored.

Well, okay, but...

I'm a genius.

Unless you were just
making up that "genius" excuse.

Unless there's some other reason
you were held back.

O-Of course not.

Okay, got to go.

I have some chess
moves to study.

Hey, I'll go with you.

Us geniuses
need to stick together.

That's "we geniuses."

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, just remind me how many
spaces that little horsy moves.

Geniuses play lots
of chess, right?

(horse neighs)

(kids shouting playfully)

BINKY:
And slam!

Your king's out of there.

Whoo-hoo, baby,
I win again!

Yes. Congratulations.

I've never seen

the "Leaping-Ninja-Pawn
Head Chop" used so effectively.

That's because
I just made it up.

(school bell rings)
Pretty geniusy, huh?

Hey, if I'm a genius,

maybe I should have
a cool nickname.

Something like...

"The Brain!"

"The Brain" is already taken.

By me, remember?

What about
"The Whiz Kid"?

Nah. I like
"The Brain."

Sounds smart.

We'll find something
else for you.

(sighs)

(horse neighs)

You want everyone to call
you "The Esophagus"?

Of course not.

But Binky--
I mean "The Brain"--

saw the word
in my anatomy book

and thought
it was perfect.

I wish you'd just
tell everyone

the real reason
you were held back.

You know, they're going to
find out sooner or later.

You haven't told
anyone, have you?

I saw you talking
with Muffy the
other day.

You were talking
about me, weren't you?

You're getting paranoid,
"Esophagus."

Paranoid?

I'm not paranoid.

Don't trust her.

Never tell your secret.

Yeah. Us voices
in your head

are the ones
you should listen to.

It's "we voices."

Are you sure?

You're the one
who was held back.

Another D-minus for you,
Mr. Barnes.

Didn't you study
for the test?

Test, shmest.

What's it matter
if I pass or not?

You might get held back again.

So? If a genius can
get held back once,

just imagine how much
a genius I'll be

if I get held back
two years in a row?

OLDER BINKY:
You're standing in the presence
of ultra-super-deluxe genius.

times I've been
held back.

And I owe it all to my good
friend "The Esophagus."

If you let Binky
continue to think
he's a genius,

he may never graduate.

Yeah,
you'd better show him

that it isn't all
fun and games.

Hey, Brain, want
to come over after school?

I suppose you want
a rematch in ninja chess.

I was thinking
of something

a little more challenging.

Why do I need
genius lessons?

Well, it takes
more than just being

held back a year
to be a genius.

As Thomas Edison said, "Genius
is one percent inspiration

and percent perspiration."

What's "perspiration"?

Sweat.
(sniffs)

Oh, I'm a genius,
all right.

Then you won't mind
doing some brain teasers.

(laughing)

So, did you get
. as your answer?

No, but I spelled
"hello" upside down.

I don't know,
Esophagus.

Maybe I'm not
a genius after all.

I mean, I don't
really like all this
hard work, and...

I'm starting
to smell.

I'll say.

When was the last time
you changed your clothes?

Last week.

You said Einstein wore
the same suit every day

so he could focus on physics,
so I did the same thing.

I said he wore
the identical suit,

but he had a closet
full of them.

Well, then, this is
a little improvement

on Einstein, isn't it?

There are other perfectly
legitimate reasons

for being held back a year.

Like what?

Like, uh...

like...

like she's telling
everyone my secret!

PRUNELLA:
And then, she changed
into a wolf,

so Moldywort wouldn't find
her and...
BRAIN:
Stop!

Don't believe her!
I'm not a crier!

A what?

A crier-- someone who was
held back a year

because he wasn't
emotionally ready.

That's what she
told you, right?

Prunella
was telling us

about the latest
Henry Screever book.

(gasps)

Excuse me a moment.

Now everyone knows.

You were held back
because you cried a lot,

not because you were a genius?

Yes, isn't it awful?

I still cry sometimes,

and being held
back isn't

the end of the world.

It's true.

Getting held back actually
really helped me.

Within a year, my
nickname was "The Brain."

Of course, now it's
"The Esophagus," but...

Nah, you can have
"The Brain" back.

I'm happy with "Binky."

Great. You're coming
to my house.

Not more brain teasers.

Nope, just some good
old-fashioned studying.

You're going to pass
that test tomorrow.

When I go to fourth grade
next year,

you're coming with me.

♪ Every day when you're
walking down the street ♪

♪ And everybody that you meet ♪

♪ Has an original
point of view ♪

♪ And I say, hey ♪
♪ Hey! ♪

♪ What a wonderful kind
of day ♪

♪ If we could learn
to work and play ♪

♪ And get along
with each other ♪

♪ Hey! ♪
♪ What a wonderful kind
of day ♪

♪ Hey! ♪
♪ What a wonderful
kind of day ♪

♪ Hey! ♪