10x02 - The Squirrels/Fern and Persimmony Glitchet

[bunniefuu]

♪ Every day when you're
walking down the street ♪

♪ Everybody that you meet
has an original point of view. ♪

( laughs )

♪ And I say hey! ♪

Hey!

♪ What a wonderful kind of day ♪

♪ If we could learn
to work and play ♪

♪ And get along
with each other ♪

♪ You got to listen
to your heart ♪

♪ Listen to the beat ♪

♪ Listen to the rhythm,
the rhythm of the street ♪

♪ Open up your eyes,
open up your ears ♪

♪ Get together and make things
better by working together ♪

♪ It's a simple message
and it comes from the heart ♪

♪ Believe in yourself ♪

♪ For that's the place
to start ♪

♪ And I say hey! ♪

Hey!

♪ What a wonderful kind of day ♪

♪ If we could learn
to work and play ♪

♪ And get along
with each other. ♪

Hey!

♪ What a wonderful kind of day ♪

♪ Hey! What a wonderful
kind of day. ♪

Hey!

ARTHUR:
Hey, D.W.

Hey!

Whoa!

( crash )

( doorknob turning,
floorboards creaking)

Wake up, Arthur!

It's time to start the show!

Whoo! You ever think about
how little difference there is

between things that are scary
and things that aren't scary?

Like this pumpkin.

Not scary.

Whoa! Scary.

Not scary again.

Mom! Arthur's
playing with
his food!

Very scary.

( eerie whirring )
Huh?

( whirring )

( alien roars )

Scary!

( screams )

( chittering )

Not scary.

But there's no question

that what you're about to see
in this show

is really, really, really scary.

D.W.:
Mom! Arthur's
being mean to aliens!

Even scarier than D.W.

( roaring like a lion )

( laughing )

BITZI:
Oh, you boys are going
to love this movie.

I saw it when I was your age

and to this day,
it's still the
scariest movie

I've ever seen.

Mom, squirrels
are not scary.

Oh, but they
attack people

and they take
over cities and...

I mean, it gave me nightmares
for months.

Uh-huh.

( chitters like a squirrel )

Ooh! I'd like
a people steak, please.

Would you like that
with or without acorns?

( both laughing )

BITZI:
Shh! It's starting.

( both laughing )

( chittering )

BITZI:
Uh... I'm sorry.

I... I can't watch
this again.

Good night, boys.

Oh, look, honey.

What an adorable
little squirrel.

MAN ( on TV ):
Oh, no! No!

( screaming )

( nervous laughter )

( chittering )

( loud chittering )

MAN ( on TV ):
And now stay tuned for the
wackiest bunch of cheerleaders

to ever hit the field
in: Loser High.

Were you scared?

Not at all.

( nervous laugh )
Squirrels.

Yeah.

( nervous laugh )

( Buster chitters
like a squirrel )

Don't!

Arthur?

The, uh... darkness
was hurting my eyes.

Oh.

Yeah, it, um...

happens to people
with glasses sometimes.

You wouldn't
know about it.

Oh.

Sorry. Did you want me
to turn it off?

No. That's okay.

Good morning, boys.

So, was that movie
scary or what?

No.
No.

It was silly.

Squirrels...
( chuckles )

taking over
the world.

ARTHUR AND BUSTER:
Hah!

( whistling )

( chittering, squeaking )

( chittering,
squeaking )

( screams )

Hey, Arthur, want to
go play in the park?

No, I, uh... I really
got to get home.

Whatever.

Buster, why are all
the curtains closed?

It's the middle of the day.

Aw, Mom, please?

The, uh... light glares
on the TV.

That's enough TV
for today.

Why aren't you
outside playing?

It's such
a nice day.

Yeah, it is, but, uh... um...

Oh, you know what?

I didn't finish

my homework yet.

Hey, Arthur.
You're home.

It's such
a nice day,

what do you say
we go play a little catch?

I'd love to, Dad,
but I have lots and lots

of homework to do.

BRAIN:
So did any of you see
that Squirrels movie

on TV this weekend?

Uh... not really.

How about you guys?
Did you see it?

No.
Yes.

I mean...
I mean... no.

Well, did it scare you?

No. It was so silly.

Squirrels taking over the world.

( harsh chittering )

( all laughing )

Yeah, that does
sound kind of silly.

So you really
weren't scared, huh?

No. Did you see it?

Yes.

Run!

( bell ringing )

Hey, so who wants to go
play baseball in the park?

I have a lot
of homework.

Me, too.

Okay. See ya.

I know. It's your TV time.

Can I just watch to
the end of this song?

I finished
all my homework,

and I have
nothing to do.

Can't you go play

outside?

♪ When the nut falls
off the tree ♪

♪ We're stuck with the rain. ♪

( both laughing )

ARTHUR:
Look how silly
they are.

Let's just watch this.

Who could possibly
be scared of them

when you see them
acting like this?

Arthur, do you really want
to rent all these?

I, uh... have to, Mom.

It's, uh... for
a homework assignment.

Silly Squirrels
Count to Ten. Wow!

Every kid in town
must have the same assignment.

We got cleared out
of every kiddie show

that has anything
to do with squirrels today.

( squealing, laughing )

( laughing )

Bye-bye!

Okay, squirrels, I'm not scared
of you anymore.

Ah! It's great
out here.

How could I have
possibly been...?

( chittering )

( screams )

RATBURN:
I am so thrilled, class,
about these reports.

All of you have gone above
and beyond

the homework call of duty.

I'm not quite sure
what's gotten into all of you,

but whatever it is,

I say keep it up.

Well, with
one exception.

So I've decided
to give a fun lecture today.

Did anyone happen to catch
the movie called The Squirrels

this weekend?

What's The Squirrels?

It's about squirrels taking
over the world... I heard.

RATBURN:
It's too bad
more of you didn't see it,

because it's very well done.

It scared the daylights
out of me

when I first saw it.

But seeing it last weekend

made me interested
in squirrels again.

Does anyone know
what squirrels eat?

People!
Acorns.

Um, acorns?

Acorns.

They certainly
do not eat people.

That was just a movie.

The only meat
they ever even touch

is the occasional insect or bird
egg, if they're very hungry.

Mostly, they just eat nuts
and seeds.

Any questions?

Oh, this is wonderful.

( bell ringing )

Wow, what a great
class today.

Who wants to go play
in the park?

I do!

( rustling )

We've got to go.

I've got to do
some homework! Bye!

What is going on?

( phone ringing )

Hello.

ARTHUR:
Hey, Buster, it's me.

Listen, let's face it--

we're both scared of going
outside right now, right?

No.

Yes.

Okay, I have an idea about
how we can stop being afraid.

All we need to do is
become friends with one.

And when we see
how nice it is,

we won't be afraid
anymore.

Uh-huh.

So here, go lure
one with these nuts.

It's your yard.

But you're the guest.

But you, uh...
wear glasses.

BOTH:
Hi, squirrel.

( squeaking )

Hi, again.
Hi, again.

( squeaks )

We did it.

We're not scared.

( all squeaking )

BUSTER:
Run!

BOTH:
Squirrel attack!

Shoo, shoo! Out of the house.
Back to the trees.

( both sighing )

( whimpering )

MOM:
I'm glad you boys
are all right.

Squirrels are
pretty harmless,

but they will bite
if provoked.

Hopefully, someone here at
the Animal Rehabilitation Center

will be able to help
this little guy.

I can't believe we were scared
of something so helpless.

I'm sorry
he got hurt.

Poor little things.

You wouldn't believe
the panic-stricken phone calls

we get whenever that
darn Squirrels movie

airs on TV.

Once you see an injured
squirrel up close like this,

it's a different story.

Do you think we could take
the squirrel to school tomorrow?

( class gasping )

ARTHUR:
This squirrel got hurt trying
to run away from me and Buster.

But he's going
to be okay.

Eventually, he'll be
returned to the wild.

What a marvelous opportunity
to study

the particular features
of sciurus carolinensis--

otherwise known as
the common gray squirrel

of North America.

You may come up, one at a time,
for a closer look.

Alan, you first.

Please share your observations
with the rest of the class.

( squeaking )
( gulps )

Squeaky vocal tone,
tiny paws, bushy tail.

The overall appearance
is almost... cute.

It's not that
scary up close.

BINKY:
The Squirrels.

Hmm, I wonder if this
is any good.

To think we were all
so freaked out by squirrels.

I know. I feel
so silly.

Hey, you know The Birds
is on TV tonight.

Anybody going to watch?

Look, there's Binky.

Hey, Binky.
Binky.

Come play in the park
with us.
Come play in the park.

Uh, no, that's okay.

I have, uh...
homework to do.

( squirrels squeaking )

( Binky screams
into the distance )

FERN:
We all love the story

of Cinderella.

And after this,
you can weed the garden,

clean the carpets
and wash all the windows!

FERN:
But would we love it as much

if the wicked stepmother had
been a kind and caring person?

Never mind.
I'll finish this up.

Here, you better go
change for the ball.

Oh, thank you,
kind stepmother.

And what if Jack didn't have
to run from the giant?

Fee, fi, fo, fum,
I like to share

with everyone.

Gee, thanks.

( honks )

FERN:
And imagine the story
of Little Red Riding Hood

without the Big Bad Wolf.

Oh, Grandma,

what strong arms
you have.

The better to hug
you with, my dear.

So, how was your trip
through the woods?

It was perfectly boring.

Yuck.

Hey, you, narrator,

if there's no
Big Bad Wolf in my story

then what's the point?

( barks )

FERN:
I've just finished number

in A Series of Horrendously
Horrible Happenings.

Me, too.

Don't you love the ending

with all three Bronte children
dangling from a cable car

over the Alarming Alps?

But I want to know
what happens next.

How much longer until
book is out?

Ten more weeks.

The Horrendously Horrible
books sure are popular.

I remember how much I liked
the very first one--

The Calamitous Commencement.

When the evil Duke Vladimir

first kidnaps the Bronte
orphans

during his magic act.

( laughing )

And now, before
your very eyes,

I shall make them disappear.

( audience gasping )

One...

two...

three!

The stage manager has
informed me

that it is time
for the next act.

And since the show
must go on,

I will be unable to make
the children reappear

during tonight's performance.

Thank you and good night.

And what about
book number ten?

The Awful Aquarium.

They find a happy home

with their Uncle Max,
the ichthyologist,

but then Duke Vladimir
ruins everything.

Splork!

VLADIMIR:
Hand over your fortune...
( gasps )

or I will feed your sister
to the sharks.

( laughing evilly )

( laughing evilly )

I wish I could write
a book series someday.

Why don't you send
a letter to the author,

Persimmony Glitchet,

and tell him how much his
writing has inspired you.

There's an address
at the back of the book.

"Due to the dangerous nature
of his research,

"Mr. Glitchet is often
on the run.

"But you may write to him

"in care of his
trusted chauffeur,

Max Wheeler,
at this address."

I wonder if he
would write back.

Are you kidding?

Then why would he bother
to give an address at all?

Dear Mr. Glitchet,
I really like

your Horrendously
Horrible books.

I know that you must get
lots of letters

and that it's hard
to answer all of them.

My other favorite writers
are Mary Shelley

and Agatha Christie.

But since they're both dead,
I can't write to them

and expect an answer.

I'm writing to you
because I hope

to become a professional writer
like you someday.

I would appreciate
any advice

that you have for me.

Sincerely, Fern Walters.

( inhales sharply )

Mr. Glitchet, it's one of those
dire emergencies.

Thank you, Max.

You don't expect
an answer from
him, do you?

You've been checking
every day for weeks.

"PG. In care
of Max Wheeler."

It's blank.

I told you
he wouldn't write back.

( scoffs )

Why would
Persimmony Glitchet bother

to send me
a blank piece of paper?

Well...

A blank piece of paper
can mean only one thing--

he used invisible ink

just like Victor Bronte did
in Number Five:

The Malevolent Mailbox.

Are you sure?

Only one way to find out:
my Detect-O Spy Lamp.

Lights off, please.

"Dear Fern, extenuating
circumstances force me

"to be brief.

"If you want to be a writer,
I recommend three things:

Number one, read."

That one's easy.

"Number two, which is far more
dreadful, write.

"And perhaps more importantly,
rewrite.

"Finally, number three,
look for opportunities

"to publish
what you write.

"This can be especially
dangerous,

"which is why I recommend that
you never use your real name.

Best of luck,
Persimmony Glitchet."

If only I had more opportunities
to publish.

Why don't you
submit something

to the Lakewood
Elementary Reader?

They're still taking
submissions for the
next issue.

Great idea!

I've got my pen name:

Agatha Shelley.

Are you going to write
an Essie Beauchamp
detective story,

like the one you did for
Junior Detective Digest?

That was already published
under my real name.

This time, I'm writing under
the name of Agatha Shelley.

This story will be something
no one will recognize as mine.

( bell rings )

I'm published!

"Happy Happenings"
by Agatha Shelley.

So, have you read
"Happy Happenings,"
by Agatha Shelley?

Was that the boring one?

"Happy Happenings"
sounds interesting.

I read it.

A shallow take
on a shallow life.

Is that a page from
"Happy Happenings"?

Yeah, I like the happy ending,

but the happy beginning

and the happy middle
didn't work for me.

Did you read
"Happy Happenings"?

No.

Don't bother.
You'll hate it.

Why?

There's no mystery.
Nothing scary happens.

Not all stories
have to be scary
or mysterious.

Yeah, but this one
is way too happy.

The main character is this girl,
Felicity Bonchance.

"One day Felicity Bonchance
was planting peonies

when she happened upon
some buried treasure."

Oh, goody.

Now I can buy candy
and ice cream for everyone

in the whole world.

But it gets worse.

She actually goes around passing
out candy and ice cream

to everyone
in the whole world.

Blech!

So what's wrong with that?

It's so boring.

And nothing bad
ever happens to her.

It was written by someone
named Agatha Shelley.

I don't think she even
goes to our school.

Maybe Agatha Shelley
isn't her real name.

Maybe it's a pen name.

I wouldn't put my real name
on this story, either.

"Dear Mr. Glitchet, I wrote
a story and got it published.

"Thank goodness
I took your advice

"and didn't use my real name,

"because everybody hated
my story.

"Should I give up?

"What should I do?

"Yours truly, Fern.

P.S. Is Persimmony Glitchet
your real name?"

Dear Fern,

As to my real name,
for your own protection,

I cannot disclose
that information.

Indeed, sir.

When people
criticize my stories,

it helps me to imagine horrible
things happening to them.

This story is so boring!

( pterodactyl screeching )

PERSIMMONY:
"After that, I take a walk
and ask myself

"if there's any truth at
all to their criticism.

"Remember Dreadful Tip
Number Two: Write,

"but more importantly, rewrite.

"Of course, you can
also just quit,

"and I, for one,
would not blame you.

"Only you can decide.

Best of luck.
Persimmony Glitchet."

Time for a rewrite.

You might think that nothing
bad could ever happen

to a person as nice
as Felicity Bonchance,

but you would be wrong.

( screaming )

"A Terrible Twist."

I've got a second chance.

"Just when Felicity thought
the treasure was hers..."

Help!

What are you reading?

"A Terrible Twist"
by Agatha Shelley.

Oh, that
horrible writer?

She got a lot better.

In this story, Felicity
Bonchance is just like

someone you'd write about.

I thought you said
she was way too happy.

This time she's smart
and funny and brave.

So you like the part

where she wrote the letter
in invisible ink?

Yeah, and also when
she disguised herself
as a gypsy...

...and smuggled out
the gold coins in
her tambourine.

I thought you said
you hadn't read it.

I, um, just
heard about it.

FERN:
Book : The Dreary
Delicatessen, is finally here.

I can't wait to meet
Persimmony Glitchet in person.

I wouldn't count on it.

I heard he never shows up
for these things.

Mr. Glitchet,
my name is...

I'm Mr. Glitchet's chauffeur.

Mr. Glitchet regrets
that he cannot be here today.

I told you.

I much prefer
an Agatha Christie mystery

to one of those

Horrendously
Horrible books.

Actually,
Persimmony Glitchet

is one of my favorite
authors.

I hear he's extremely secretive.

He writes his letters
in invisible ink.

How do you know?

He wrote to me twice
with advice on writing.

I wanted to thank him
in person.

Are you ready to go?

May I see your copy
of Number ?

Um, sure.

What was that?

"Dear Fern, when you
become a famous writer,

"I promise not to reveal
your true identity.

Best of luck, P.G.
A fellow writer."

It must be him!

Hi, everyone.

It's me... Buster.

I love making music
with my friends in Elwood City.

That's why I love traveling
with my dad and Los Viajeros,

one of the greatest bands
around.

But they aren't the only people
playing music on my travels.

Listen to this...

I'm filming some great music
with my camera

and I'm sending it all back
to my friends

on my very own video postcards.

They're
Postcards from Buster.

♪ And everybody that you meet ♪

♪ Has an original
point of view ♪

♪ And I say hey! ♪

Hey!

♪ What a wonderful kind
of day ♪

♪ If we could learn
to work and play ♪

♪ And get along
with each other. ♪

Hey!

♪ What a wonderful kind
of day. ♪

Hey!

♪ What a wonderful
kind of day. ♪

Hey!