03x27 & 03x28 - Everybody Loves Leni/Middle Men

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Crashing through the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls like Ping-Pong balls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles

♪ Diapers you can smell for miles ♪

♪ Guy's got to do what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house

♪ In the Loud house

- ♪ Duck, dodge, push, and shove ♪

♪ Is how we show our love

- ♪ In the Loud house, in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ One boy and ten girls

♪ Wouldn't trade it for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud Loud Loud

♪ Loud house

- Poo-poo.

[peppy music]

♪

[curious music] - Hmm.

These totes bring out your nose.

Here, don't want you getting cold.

- Hey, Leni. - Who told you my name?

Oh, I'm wearing a nametag.

- Shift's over.

Let's go get pretzels.

- Oh, it's you guys. - Nice window dressing.

You made the 'kins look like friends.

- Thanks. I modeled them after us.

[ding]

[all munching]

That's him, right? Burger guy?

- Yeah. I'm so nervous about tonight.

I haven't been on a date since things fizzled

with smoothie guy.

[mournful music]

- We'll come over after work and help you get ready.

Right, Miguel? - Oh, I am yours, girl.

- [gasps] Hey, Leni.

[girls squeal]

[all kissing]

- What a fun surprise.

These are my two best friends at school,

Jackie and Mandee, and these are

my two best friends at work, Miguel and Fiona.

girls: Hey. - Oh, hi.

- Leni, we bought so many cute shoes.

- With money to spare for the pop-up sale

this weekend. - Yes!

Pop-up sale! [screams]

- Sounds like you guys have a lot to talk about.

I should mosey. - Yeah, me, too.

But we'll see you tonight, Leni.

- See you at 7:00!

[mournful music]

- Wait, you're hanging out with those guys tonight?

- Well, yeah.

Is that bad? - It's fine.

I mean, I can't remember the last time we spent

a Friday night together, but it's fine.

- No, no, it's not fine.

If I'm not making enough time for you guys,

I need to fix that.

I'll come over after I'm done at Fiona's house, okay?

- Sounds good. - See you laters.

[mellow music]

- I hate first dates.

What--what if we have nothing to talk about?

- Don't worry, you can use this list

of 25 first-date questions I found.

[phone vibrating]

Oh, what time are you leaving for your date, Fiona?

I should let Jackie and Mandee know

when to expect me. - Wait, you double-booked us?

- No, I just made two separate plans

for the same night. - I mean, that's legit

what a double-book is, but it's fine.

- Yeah, go be with your school friends.

We have this covered.

- But I'll see you guys at the pop-up sale

this weekend?

- I mean, sure. - Yeah, I guess.

♪

- Hey, guys! I'm so glad we can hang out.

Tell me what's new with you. - Oh, my gosh, so much.

I'm not sure I want to be a veterinarian anymore.

- I'm thinking about getting bangs.

[phone vibrating]

- Wow, that is big.

Speaking of bangs, I should go check mine.

Make sure they're not too flat.

BRB.

[sneaky music]

Sorry, really gotta get in there.

Fiona, what's the matter? - Sorry to bother you guys,

but I need help.

We already got through those 25 questions.

His answer to every one was...

[deep voice] I guess.

- There have to be other things you can talk about.

I know, tell him about the time

you went to Canada.

Guys love adventure!

- Are you okay?

I thought I heard you talking to someone.

- Oh, yeah, I was just talking to...

myself.

It helps me pee.

[phone vibrating]

Uh, but it didn't work. I should go again.

This time I'll try singing.

- [panting, groans]

- ♪ Row-row-row your boat

♪ Gently down the stream

[phone vibrating]

- Leni, guess who's seated at the table next to mine?

Smoothie guy!

And he looks so cute and sensitive.

- Move to another table immediately.

- Focus on burger guy.

It didn't work with smoothie guy, remember?

Don't get sucked back into that blender.

- Thanks, guys. - ♪ Life is but a dream

[toilet flushes]

[phone vibrating]

You know what we need? Snacks!

Don't get up, your nails are wet.

[gasps] Smoothie guy sent you

some chili fries, and now burger guy

is going over there to confront him?

[phone vibrating]

Whoops, this isn't the kitchen.

[dramatic music]

- [groans]

[whining] - What?

Now burger guy and smoothie guy are hanging out

without you? - Leni?

Are you in here again?

My brother really needs to pee.

- Sorry, I'll-- I'll be right out!

Just washing my hands.

I'm really sorry, guys, I have to go.

- Oh, I guess your other friends

are more important than my life.

- Fiona, it's not like that.

- O-M-gosh, are you talking

to your work friends right now?

- [shrill scream]

- Leni, are you okay?

[faucet squeaks]

- [yelps] I'm so sorry!

I--I'll clean it up. - Don't bother.

Mandee will help me.

We won't take up any more of your time.

- Yeah, neither will we.

[dial tone]

[downtrodden music]

[door opens]

- [sighing repeatedly]

- [scoffs] Leni, your sighing

is literally ruining my texting.

What's wrong? - I don't know what to do.

I feel torn between two groups of friends.

How do I make them both happy? - [clears throat]

- [scoffs] Lincoln, what do you want?

- I think I know how to help Leni.

When I started hanging out with Rusty and Zach

Clyde and Liam felt left out,

so I invited everyone to hang out together

and now we're all BFFs.

- So, you're saying my friends should hang out

with your friends? - No.

Bring your friends together.

- Huh. That is surprisingly

mature advice for an 11-year-old.

- Thank you. Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go write my name on my new Ace Savvy underwear.

[underwear stretches, snaps]

- I literally take that back.

[bouncy music]

- We're gonna have so much fun tonight.

I planned a bunch of stuff for us to do.

- Yogurt-covered pretzels?

[gasps] And "16 1/2 Magazine."

My favorites. - Ooh, sparkly water!

Eww, who drinks "pomelo" flavor?

[doorbell rings]

- Oh, good, the other guests are here.

And I got your favorite drink.:

- Oh, I didn't realize this was a "party" party.

- It's just the five of us.

I can't wait for you guys to get to know each other.

I thought we could play a getting-to-know-you game.

On each card is a fun fact about someone in this room.

Your job is to guess who.

Miguel, you can go first.

- "I like pumpkin spice lattes."

I'm gonna guess Mandee. - [gasps]

You're right. How'd you know?

- [disparaging laugh] If your name's Mandee,

liking pumpkin spice lattes is pretty much

your entire brand.

- Wow, you guys know each other so well already.

Jackie, your turn.

- "I have a winning smile."

[giggles] Well, that must be

about Mandee. - Actually,

it was about Miguel.

- Hmm, I don't see it.

- I'm done with this game. - Huh, which card says,

"I'm a quitter"?

- Uh, why don't we try something else?

Okay, I'll go first.

Right foot apple.

Mandee, why don't you go next?

- Leni knows I'm good at this game.

Oh, left foot pineapple.

- I'm pretty good at it, too.

I'm a part-time yoga instructor, so...

Right foot grape.

Leni, I didn't tell you.

Yesterday, I had to deal with a total Penny.

- Oh, no, that's awful.

A "Penny" is what we call someone

who tries using an expired coupon.

- You kind of have to work with us to get it.

- Leni, did you see

Rashida's prom-posal to Brandon?

It was so addy-addy-bing-bang.

- That's our friend word for "adorable."

- You kind of have to go to school with us

to get it.

- Leni, I mean to thank you for helping me get through

that awful 12-hour sale.

I was thinking about how working together

is pretty much the deepest bond there is.

- Really?

'Cause I was thinking that true friendship

isn't something you can find on a rack.

[combative music]

- [gasps] My pomelo!

- My bag! - It was an accident.

I'm sorry I'm not a part-time yoga instructor.

- Leni, this was a terrible idea.

Why did you want us to hang out with them?

- Well, believe me, we didn't want to hang out with you.

- [huffs] We're leaving.

- Don't bother, we're leaving.

[all grunting]

- Guys, wait!

We didn't get to eat

the "New Best Friends" cake I baked.

- Sorry, Leni.

And by the way, Miguel,

everyone likes pumpkin spice.

Except maybe stuck-up part-time yoga instructors.

- [gasps]

[tense music]

- Wow, poor Leni.

She's literally bending over backwards

for her friends. - [groans]

[yelps]

- [groans] These clothes will go out

of style before I get to try them on.

- Oh, it's you.

Ugh. - Didn't Leni tell you

that fuchsia was last season's color?

- Mm, guess she didn't tell you

that you can't pull off those jeans.

- [horrified gasp] - That's it.

Leni, come out. You have to choose.

Either them or us.

Oops. [awkward laugh]

My bad.

Wait, isn't Leni with you guys?

- We thought she was with you.

[gasps] Is she blowing us all off?

- On this week's episode of "Best Friends Forever,"

Kurt is torn between suede fringe

and classic pinstripe. - Luckily, my best friends

are here to help me choose the perfect vest.

- [weeping]

[phone ringing]

Hello? - Leni, what the heck?

Where are you? - Oh, hey.

How's the pop-up sale? - Never mind that.

You ditched us.

Do you have another group of friends we don't know about?

- I'm sorry.

I knew that no matter who I went to the sale with

I'd be upsetting someone, so I decided to stay home.

I'll let you guys go.

I don't want to ruin your day.

- Wow.

Leni missed her favorite sale because of us.

- Ugh.

We are the worst.

- Leni, we need to talk to you. - We overheard your phone call

and we're worried about you.

It's not your fault if your friends

can't get along. - It's not?

- No, and if they can't hang out together,

they'll just have to learn to share you.

- You know what? You're right.

- Now you march over to the store and tell hem

that they're gonna have to grow up.

- Yeah, I will do that!

[rousing music]

Oh, you're here. Well, good.

There's something I have to say to you.

- Actually, there's something we have to say to you.

- No, me first.

If you can't share the store, then you're going to have

to march over to the room and grow me up.

Wait, that's not right.

Dang it, I was gonna practice this on the bus.

- Leni, never mind that.

We came to apologize.

- We've been acting like total jerks.

I'm sorry we got so jealous.

- Even if the four of us aren't gonna be besties,

we can at least try to get along.

- 'Cause the last thing any of us want is to lose you

as a friend. - Aww.

That's supes sweet.

Thanks, you guys.

Hey, do you want to come in?

I was just watching "Best Friends Forever."

both: I love that show!

- [laughing] R--right?

I mean, how could you go wrong?

- That vest is so addy-addy-bing-bang

- Hey, this pomelo's really tasty.

Good call, Miguel.

[cheerful music]

[radical rock music]

♪

- [yells]

[sniffs] Do I smell cookies?

- Yeah, but don't waste your time.

They're "not for family."

[lighthearted music]

- Hey, Stinkin', think fast.

[munching] - Lynn!

- It's okay, we needed a taste-tester.

I'm worried the bottoms are soggy.

- Nope, nice crunch.

What are they for? - Clyde and I have

middle-school orientation tomorrow.

- [splutters] You guys are coming

to my school? - Yeah!

We got assigned an 8th grade buddy

who's gonna take us around and show us

what the next three years of our lives will be like.

- And we want to make a good impression,

so we're coming prepared.

Designed these ourselves.

- "Clincoln McCloud- BFFs."

Cookies and business cards?

That's your plan? - I'm also planning

to use word association to learn everyone's names.

Like, "Lynn once bruised

my shin."

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, time out.

This stuff might fly in elementary school, okay?

But middle school is different.

It's the jungle.

If you walk in there looking like a couple

of weak chumps, you'll get eaten alive.

[jaguar growls]

both: Eaten alive?

- Does that mean we should reconsider

wearing matching turtlenecks? - Ugh.

- Don't worry, LJ's got your back.

- [garbled voice] - Yo, Principal Ramirez.

Lynn Loud. Hey, listen, who can I talk to

about becoming an orientation buddy?

- Psst, don't throw out those business cards.

They might still work for high school.

[dramatic musical flourish]

[peppy music]

[indistinct chatter] Lincoln!

Check out those columns!

Do you think they're real marble?

- Probably.

This place is so much bigger than our school.

Good thing they gave us maps.

- Huh?

Guys, guys, guys, ditch the maps.

First rule of survival:

Don't act like a total noob.

- But we are noobs.

- Yeah, and if some upperclassman realizes that,

you'll be a prime target for pranks.

Like the kid who asked an eighth grader for directions

on the first day of school.

The poor fool got sent on a wild-goose-chase

down in the tunnels under the school

and didn't make it out until the whole day was over.

[ominous music]

[both gasp]

both: Don't... be... noobs.

[bell rings]

- Okay, homeroom.

There are no assigned seats, so it's time

for rule number two: Don't get stuck with

a crummy desk.

Move out!

- Oh, sorry.

Please, it's all yours.

I'd pull out the chair for you, but...

[clears throat] It's attached.

- Wrong.

Hey, back off, pigtails.

My buddy saw this first.

[grunts] Boom, dominant.

Nobody's messing with that.

Hah. - Uh, wasn't that

a little aggressive? - [grunts]

Not if you don't want to end up like the kid

who got stuck with the worst desk in the room.

[ominous music]

[cruel laughter]

This one kid thought she had the perfect desk,

but ended up getting stuck in it so tight

that they had to call the school cook.

- Sorry, kid.

We're gonna have to grease you out.

You got any nut allergies?

[menacing laughter]

both: Don't get stuck with crummy desks.

- Okay, next is Bio.

Suit up. - Cool!

I've always wanted to wear a lab coat.

- Welcome, fifth graders.

We are continuing our work with live mealworms today,

so everyone grab a case from the back of the class.

- [grunts]

[all screaming]

- Sorry, guys!

That was my fault.

I was up late making... - [hollering]

- Lynn, what the heck?

- Rule number three: Never own up

to making a mistake. - But I spilled the worms.

- So? Do you want to be like

the sixth grader who--hang on, Clyde needs to hear this, too.

- [whimpering]

- Do you want to be like the sixth-grader who owned up

to farting during a standardized test?

[ominous music]

- Hey, look, it's Farty McStink Pants!

both: Own up to nothing.

- [growling] - [laughs]

Loving the agro body language.

Here you go.

Double-meatball subs with extra sriracha.

- Thanks.

I'm normally not a hot sauce guy,

but after this morning I'm feeling dangerous.

[munching]

- Great, so my rules are sinking in?

- Yeah, some kid just came over

to ask if she could borrow a chair,

and guess what Clyde said?

- [deep voice] I don't think so, pal.

- Boom.

McBride for the win.

- So what are we doing after lunch?

- Well, actually, we orientation buddies

are supposed to let you guys fly solo for the rest

of the day.

See how you do on your own. - Really?

- Already? - Don't worry.

You guys totally got this.

Now, hands in.

Three, two, one...

all: Dominate! - Wow, Clyde,

your hands are so soft.

- Oh, thank you. - We'll work on that.

- First class of the afternoon:

"The Wonders of Watercolors."

- To the Art department!

Uh, which way is that again?

- Maybe if we just take a quick peek at the map...

- No! Lynn's first rule, remember?

Don't look like a noob. - Right.

[bell ringing]

- [both gasp]

[doors slamming]

- Oh, no, we're gonna be tardy!

- Hey, you guys lost?

- Nice try, bucko!

But we're not falling for one of your

upper classmen pranks.

[hyperventilating] - Way to dominate, Clyde.

"Bucko" was a nice touch. - Thanks.

My dads were watching a cop show last night.

[ambient music]

- This looks like the Art department.

Maybe this is the watercolor room.

[kids hollering]

- Are you kidding me? - Go away!

- Is this "The Wonders of Watercolors"?

- No, this is "Fun With Photography,"

and you just ruined a whole months' work.

I'll see you jerks after school.

Meet me on the blacktop at 3:00.

- You think she's inviting us to play a game of tetherball?

- No, that's where we fight.

[both swallow]

- Okay, so we ticked off one photo student,

but I'm sure we can smooth everything over

after school. - I'm already writing

the apology letter in my head. - Come on, let's grab a seat

Remember rule number two!

These look nice and sturdy. - Plus, we can make

great eye contact with the teacher from here.

- Oh. Hey, dudes.

Those are actually our seats.

- [clears throat] We saw them first, bud.

- Um, okay.

Well, seats are assigned,

and those are legitimately ours.

- Pssh, a likely story.

[bell ringing]

- Come on, man! - Byron, Cici,

what are you doing out of your seats?

I expect every student to be ready to work

when the bell rings.

You two just earned zeroes

for participation. [both gasp]

- Meet us on the blacktop at 3:00.

♪

- How come we have so many enemies?

We don't even go here yet. - Relax.

This is our last class of the day.

Let's just keep a low profile and try not to make

anyone else hate us. - Got it.

- Okay, people, I spent all morning

buffing the dumb floor for the PTA banquet

so no dodgeball today.

You're watching a movie instead.

[all cheering]

- Perfect.

There's no way we can mess this up.

[shoes squeaking]

[both shout, grunt]

- [gasps] - [screams]

[metal clattering]

- Who's responsible for this?

- Remember rule number three:

never own up to making a mistake.

- Well, since no one's fessin' to the messin',

you can forget that movie.

You're all cleaning up instead.

[crash]

[all groan]

- [angry muttering] - Don't feel bad, buddy.

If we admitted it was us, we'd be the next

Farty McStink Pants.

- It was you? You're making us clean?

- [angry exclamation] - You meet us

on the blacktop at... - Yeah, yeah, we know.

On the blacktop, 3:00.

♪

[bell ringing]

[tense music]

[birds cawing]

- Uh-oh.

♪

Guys, what's going on?

- Well, it's a long story, but I'm pretty sure it ends

with those kids kicking our butts.

- [munching]

- What the heck happened? - We tried following your rules

but people didn't think we're tough.

- They just think we're jerks,

and I'm not sure I disagree.

- Yeah, so thanks for the great advice.

- I'm sorry.

I was just trying to spare you guys

from what happened to me.

both: Huh? - Yeah, my first year

of middle school was a real horror story.

♪

Um, excuse me, could you tell me

how to get to the gym?

- Oh, sure, it's really easy.

Just head down those stairs over there.

[both laughing]

- So that story you told us

was about you? - Yep.

[sighs] They were all me.

[children laughing]

all chanting: Farty pants! Farty pants!

- I finally figured out that if I acted tough,

people would stop messing with me,

and since it worked for me I thought it could help

protect you guys, too.

- Wow, I had no idea you went through all that.

- Me neither, and it was nice of you

to try and help us, even though it's gonna lead

to a lot of pain.

[whimpers] - No, it's not,

because I'm gonna take the heat for you guys.

both: No, no, no! - We have to go.

- Some of those kids might still be here next year.

They're gonna think we're wimps who let other people

fight our battles. - Though, when you think

about it, would that really be so bad?

Okay, okay.

[suspenseful Western music]

♪

[watch beeps]

[both shouting]

[both grunting]

- Ugh.

- [laughs weakly] I guess you guys don't have

to beat us up because apparently

we can do it ourselves.

[all laughing]

- Aww, we weren't really gonna beat you up.

We just wanted to make you sweat a little.

- Well, it worked.

This is my third shirt of the day.

[all laughing]

- Here, kid, you dropped your--

hey, are these snickerdoodles?

- Uh, yeah. Homemade.

Help yourself. [all munching]

- Wow, these are good.

What's your name, again? - I'm Clyde McBride,

and this is Lincoln Loud.

We're also known as Clincoln McCloud.

"Clincoln McCloud, BFFs."

Wow, these cards are so dorky

they're actually cool.

- Hey, Lynn, is pit-stains your brother?

- Uh, yeah.

- He and his friend are all right.

- Yeah.

I guess they are after all.

- ♪ Cramped inside this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud house - ♪ Loud house

- ♪ Duck and dodge and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we show our love in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Loud house

♪ Laundry piles stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line to take a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy

♪ Chaos with 11 kids

♪ That's the way it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud house