09x12 - Lost in Bikini Bottom/Tutor Sauce

[bunniefuu]

Are you ready, kids?

Aye, aye, Captain!

I can't hear you.

Aye, aye, Captain!

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Spongebob Squarepants!

Absorbent and yellow and porous is he

Spongebob Squarepants!

If nautical nonsense be something you wish

Spongebob Squarepants!

Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish

- Spongebob Squarepants! - Ready?

Spongebob Squarepants!

Spongebob Squarepants!

Spongebob Squarepants!

Spongebob

Squarepants!

Aah.

Wow, minutes in the bath is probably enough.

Aah, another day...

Another day.

Whoa! Oh, doh, ow, oh, ow, aah!

Ow, whoa, oof, ow!

Ready for work.

Oh, morning, Squidward! I--

Oh! Not ready for work!

Doh, oof, ow, ow, ooh!

Whatever.

- Thanks for waiting, Squidward. - I wasn't waiting.

I was in such a hurry I almost forgot my pants.

- Yes, I saw that. - I guess I was in a panic.

I mean, I can't believe we're running so late for work,

can you? Huh, Squidward? Can you believe it?

Are you panicking too?

Late for work, late for work, we're running late for work,

right?

Right. We're going to be there minutes early.

I know! Only minutes early?

Maybe we should take a shortcut.

Squidward, what are you doing?

- Ugh... - Spongebob, look.

We're walking in a straight line.

I don't follow.

A straight line is the shortest distance between any two points.

Speak English, brainiac.

Well, see, you have point A, where you start,

and then there's point, uh, point, uh...

I don't even know what I'm talking about.

Mmm, strawberry.

Tick!

Oh no! Now we're only going to be minutes early for work.

Oh, there's got to be a shortcut around here somewhere.

Oh, for the last time. Straight line, point A.

There's no shortcut.

There is always a shortcut.

What moron told you that?

There's always a shortcut.

Squidward, I am going to find that shortcut.

Look, the Krusty Krab is right at the end of the block.

Yoo hoo!

You're not going to come with me?

No, Spongebob. I'm just going to struggle through

the rest of this walk alone.

Well, I guess this is where we part ways.

But I can't wait to see your face when you get to work

and I'm already there.

That's the face! That's the look!

♪ First you do a zig, then you take a little zag. ♪

♪ That's how you find a shortcut. ♪

♪ Crawl underneath a fence, struggle through a bush, ♪

♪ and that's how you find a shortcut. ♪

Straight line.

Point A to point B. You're still not getting it.

Oh, tartar sauce. Maybe I should have zagged when I zigged.

♪ First you do a zag, crawl underneath a fence ♪

♪ Then you take a little zig, that's how you find a shortcut ♪

There, that's better.

Now this is what I call a real great shortcut.

Now all I have to do is remember my wilderness training

so I don't get lost.

The first rule of wilderness training is map out your course

by taking note of local landmarks.

Local landmarks.

Ah-hah!

Right at this large, unusual shell.

Right at this abandoned sofa.

And jog left at the broken fire hydrant.

There it is. The Krusty Krab.

Ooh!

♪ ♪

Aah.

Well, look at this. Lazin' about.

Can I get you anything else? Another pillow maybe?

A cappuccino machine?

No, thanks, I got one.

Perfect. No customers, no Spongebob.

Oh, for kelp's sake. You're a lost cause.

The Krabby Krust?

Is that the name of a restaurant?

No, it's a typo.

Could you perhaps tell me

how to get to the Krusty Krab from here?

- Never heard of it. - Oh, you should try it.

It's the best place to eat in all of Bikini Bottom.

Here, take these coupons.

Thanks. I'm going to go there right now.

I thought you didn't know where the Krusty Krab was.

Oh, what do I do now?

Remember your landmarks.

Sandy's wilderness tips are always on the money.

Okay, let's see. I came from...

No, I came...

I'm lost!

Hey, there's one of my landmarks.

The broken fire hydrant. Hello, hydrant.

I'm going to call you Heidi. Heidi the hydrant.

So many broken fire hydrants. What do I do now, Heidi?

If only I could telephone Squidward, he'd help me out.

Hey, that thing looks kind of like a phone.

Wow, this is weird.

It's like a phone, but you put money in it.

My last dime.

I hope this works.

Krusty Krab, may I reluctantly help you?

It's me, Squidward. Spongebob. I'm calling from a payphone.

You don't say. How's that shortcut of yours?

Not good. I think I made a wrong turn at the abandoned sofa.

All there is around here are broken fire hydrants.

What should I do?

If you'd like to continue this call,

- please insert another dime. - I don't have a dime.

Operator, please, please, can you tell me where I am?

If you'd like to know where you are, please insert another dime.

Hold on!

Two nickels? I need a dime.

Oh, I'm never going to get to work.

What are you doing?

Looking for a dime in this abandoned sofa.

This is our abandoned sofa, pal.

Whatcha doin' there, drinking soda?

What's it to ya?

Isn't a little early to be hitting

the high-fructose corn syrup?

Hey, listen.

I know this gigantic soda isn't good for me,

but sometimes it gives me the kick I need

to start my busy day as a pedicab driver.

Ooh, you drive a pedicab?

Yes, sir!

You need a ride somewhere?

Yes! To the Krusty Krab and step on it!

Way to go, Scott!

Yeah, he's almost saved enough

to attend a community college next year.

Thanks a lot, Scott. Stay in school.

Krusty Klam?

Wait, Scott. Come back!

Tartar sauce!

- Tock! - No!

Over the cliff.

Through the toxic runoff.

Make a right at the disease-filled sewer pipe.

Face-first into this fetid muck.

Over the garbage pile.

Fall down this mountain of broken glass.

Over the excruciatingly sharp razor wire.

Up this massive hill.

That's the Krusty Krab.

And I'm still two minutes early.

I made it. Oh, I made it.

Oh, random Krusty Krab patrons, how I've missed you.

Oh, how I've missed your youthful faces.

I missed the bathroom, too.

But most of all, I missed you, choking guy.

Patrick? How did you get here?

Same way I always do.

Scott gave me a ride in his pedicab.

Squidward! Squidward, can you believe I made it?

- Congratulations. - What are you doing, boy?

You're scaring away all me customers with your foul stench.

Mister Krabs!

Oh, no, lad. You're not coming in here looking like that.

You're going straight home for a nice, long bubble bath.

Aye, aye, sir.

What? He gets to go home and take a bubble bath?

That's my thing.

Yes, it is.

And consequently, you are just neat as a pin.

Now get to work!

I'm as neat as a pin.

I'll show you neat as a pin.

Where's my bubble bath, Mister Krabs?

There you go.

Now get to work.

Are you guys open? I have coupons.

Buy one, get one free.

Oh, no. It says, "Buy one for a fee."

Oh. I stand corrected.

♪ ♪

And how is everything for you today, sir?

Oh, it's great, just great.

Fine, fine.

I just love this Krabby Patty.

Okay, always nice to hear.

My Krabby Patty is a Krabby Patty,

and both buns are also Krabby Patties.

So luxurious!

You must have paid five times the price

of a regular Patty for that.

No extra! It's the same low price as a regular Krabby Patty.

Aah! Me eyes. What are you doing, Mr. Squidward?

Aah!

I couldn't find the smelling salts,

so I just used table salt.

Hey, my Krabby Patty is just a bun,

and the two buns are also buns.

Stale buns.

My Patty tastes like sadness.

All right, that's enough.

Patties with emotional flavors...

is two bits extra.

Now pay at the register.

What in Davy Jones' locker is going on in here, Mr. Squidward?

What do you think? Spongebob's in one of his moods.

He failed his boating exam again.

Well, we can't have that. He's me best employee.

- Well, no offense. - None taken.

Melancholy and self-doubt are bad for business.

Make a note of it.

Let me grab a pencil.

Ha, it's funny 'cause I mean the opposite. Ha.

Avast there, lad.

You're wasting your valuable tears

salting me patties with grief.

I'm sorry, Mister Krabs.

Oh, I can't even cry right.

There, there.

Failing your driver's test is nothing to cry over.

Aw, I've been in driving school as long as I can remember,

and I still don't have my license.

How much do they charge you at this driving school of yours?

Oh, about $ a semester.

$ a semester?

Why, I could do it for double the price in half the time!

Really?

Sure! I taught me own daughter Pearl

how to drive like a little angel.

Hi, Daddy. I need money for shoes.

Sure! Anything for me little angel, Pearl.

Thanks, Daddy.

Are you sure about this, Mister Krabs?

Why, I couldn't be surer, lad.

You don't need a "professional" to teach you how to drive.

You know, Mister Krabs, at boating school, Mrs. Pu--

Wipe that boating school malarkey out of your mind, son.

It's all a racket.

It is?

And that goes for every kind of schoolin'.

Why, there ain't nothing truly important

you can't learn on the streets

with half a jigger of common sense and your own two claws.

Now put her in gear.

Okay.

Well, rookie mistake, boy.

Happens all the time.

- It does? - No.

But you got the right fire in your belly.

I do?

Yeah, well, you know,

what we need is a change of venue.

This empty parking lot is just the ticket.

Like every young person, the novice boater

needs plenty of open, obstacle-free space

and the freedom to make mistakes.

Mister Krabs, you're so wise.

Can't disagree with you there.

All right, put her in gear.

Rookie mistake, right?

I suppose so.

Now slowly inch forward and we'll check out the damage.

Inch. Inch. Inch inch inch.

Inch, inch.

Oh, broken wall. That's about , .

Oh, kitchen fire, oh. That'll be about six grand.

Ooh, lawsuit?

Ooh, that's a lot of zeroes.

All right, Krabs. Get a hold of yourself.

You've been in worse fixes than this.

Why, you've stared down the cannon's mouth, haven't ya?

Look at that face.

Ew.

Is this the face of your final defeat?

Is it, Krabs?

Now, here's a place you should be comfortable with.

Oh, I'll say.

Just take a look around, boy-o. Home sweet home.

Nothin' to make you twitchy and jumpy.

Just the opposite, in fact.

A place so soothing and sweet,

like a mother's gentle lullaby on a soft summer's night.

Oh, brother.

Let's start with something simple.

A little trip down the street to Patrick's house.

- Patrick's house! - Whoa!

I'll have one Krabby Patty, please.

- Okay. - Upsell.

Ugh. Would you like fries with that?

- Yeah. Sounds good. - Better.

Okay. That was just fine.

But next time, wait until I say,

"Put her into gear."

You missed one.

A simple trip to Patrick's house.

A line so straight and true.

Mister Krabs, let's just leave the boat here and walk.

Well, you know, we could do that.

But you can't learn to drive without a boat.

Or can ye?

You'll certainly learn the way of the road with this here

top of the line, state of the art technological simulator.

Now hand me one of them tokens.

You'll need your protective head gear.

Ready? Drive.

I'm doing it, Mister Krabs. I'm driving the boat!

Sixth place.

Hey, look, Mister Krabs. I'm actually driving.

Great job, boy.

Well, at least I didn't hit the Krusty Krab that time.

Saw that comin'.

I'm sorry, Mister Krabs.

The fire in my belly has gone pssssh.

No, no, it's my fault.

We've been going about this all wrong, boy.

It's not a pampering you be needing,

it's a bold and reckless display of confidence.

Oh, yeah!

You think when I was your age I tiptoed around

like a tadpole on a petunia?

- You never! - That's right.

My style was to dive in with both feet, claws snapping.

Snapping!

Oh, my gosh.

Thar she blows.

The dreaded double roundabout,

the most treacherous stretch of road in all of Bikini Bottom.

To your starboard, you yield.

To your port they yield to you.

And when you're in the middle, it's every man for himself

and the devil take the rest.

I don't think I'm ready for this, Mister Krabs.

Nonsense, boy-o.

All it takes is some confidence and a little coordination.

Why, your little pet snail could do it.

Uh, I thought you were just using Gary

as a colorful example, Mister Krabs.

Oh, he's colorful, all right.

But he's also going to teach you how to drive. Now go.

Whoa!

Atta boy.

There you go, Spongebob.

Did you see how Gary did that?

Uh, yeah. Some of it.

Buck up, me boy-o. It's your turn next.

My turn? Gee, Mister Krabs, you must really believe in me.

Not really.

Sir, is this your vehicle?

Why, yes, yes, officer. It is.

And did I just see you let a snail negotiate

this vehicle through a dangerous intersection?

You sure did--Ah, I mean you didn't--I mean, well, no.

Well, uh, yes, I mean...

Look, it was just a friendly little example.

A colorful example. I was teaching the lad to drive.

By putting a snail behind the wheel.

Well, I mean, really, he was more on top of the wheel.

Officer, I don't have the boating handbook with me, but--

Quiet, boy. Let me handle this.

Are you a licensed driving instructor, sir?

Well, no, but I taught me own little girl to drive,

you see, and--and you understand.

Do you have any kiddies of your own at home, officer?

No, I'm married to my job.

Well, um, you two seem very happy together.

Well, we've had our ups and downs,

but after some couples counseling

we think we've worked out our issues.

This ticket's coming out of your paycheck, boy.

Whoa. My first real traffic ticket.

Oh, this is going to require something more than money, sir.

What could be worse than spending money?

All right, class.

Please say hello to our newest classmate, Mister Krabs.

Hello, Mister Krabs.

Don't worry, Mr. K. I'll show you the ropes.