08x13 - House Sittin' for Sandy/Smoothe Jazz at Bikini Bottom

[bunniefuu]

[Holiday music]

♪

[Sniffing]

[Tires screeching]

- Merry Christmas, kids.

I bet you're wondering
why ol' patchy

has this mail truck.

Well, this year I wanted

to be absolutely sure
Santa got me letter.

So I gave Mr. mailman
the day off.

[Mailman, muffled cries]

- Do you even know
how to get to the north pole?

- Oh, potty,
you silly parrot.

Everybody knows that
the directions to the north pole

are right in the lyrics
of the song jingle bells.

♪ Dashing through
the snow ♪

[Mumbling]

♪ Through the fields
we go ♪

♪ fa LA LA LA LA

okay, so we're looking for
some fields then?

- No, patchy, the directions
to the north pole

are in the song
there goes Santa claus.

♪ There goes Santa claus

♪ there goes Santa claus

♪ left on Santa claus
drive ♪

Scurvy brain.

- Yeah, well, we ain't turning
till we see some fields.

- Look out,
there's a fork in the road.

- I don't see no fork.

[Tire popping]
Aah!

[Tires screeching]

Aah!

While we wait for the truck
to stop spinning,

let's see what spongebob
is up to this Christmas.

- Ready for Christmas, kids?

All: Aye, aye, captain.

- I can't hear you!

All: Aye, aye, captain!

- ♪ Oh!

- ♪ He lives in a pineapple
under the sea ♪

♪ spongebob squarepants

♪ absorbent and yellow
and porous is he ♪

♪ spongebob squarepants

♪ if nautical nonsense
be something you wish ♪

♪ spongebob squarepants

♪ then drop on the deck
and float like a fish ♪

♪ spongebob squarepants

♪ fa LA LA LA
LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ fa LA LA LA
LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ fa LA LA LA
LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ spongebob squarepants

[bells ringing]

♪ Fa LA LA LA LA
Christmas ♪

[Clock ticking]

[Bells jingling]

[Piano playing]

- ♪ Oh it's drawing
very near ♪

♪ my favorite time
of year ♪

♪ the snow is falling
and the cold wind blows ♪

♪ Christmas is almost here

♪ and I know that
Santa, Santa, Santa ♪

♪ has his jolly
little eyes on me ♪

♪ it keeps me warm
and filled with glee ♪

♪ to know Santa
has his eyes on me ♪

♪ I light my house
like a Christmas tree ♪

♪ fa LA LA LA LA
LA LA LA Lee ♪

♪ 'cause Santa,
Santa, Santa ♪

♪ has his jolly little
[Horn tooting]

♪ Eyes on me

hi, squidward,
what are you doing today?

- ♪ Stringing lights
so Santa knows ♪

♪ in no uncertain terms

to go away!

- Okay.

♪ Santa, Santa, Santa

♪ has his jolly
little eyes on me ♪

♪ he sees everything I do

♪ with his left eye on me

♪ and his right eye on you

ooh, what's that?

- It's a trap.

A trap for Santa.

- Ooh, baited
with Christmas treats.

- [To sugar plum fairy]
♪ I will trap Santa

♪ in my box locked up
like fort knox ♪

♪ and make him
stop the clocks ♪

♪ and we'll have Christmas ♪

♪ all year l-l-long

hey, a cookie!

- ♪ Oh Santa, Santa, Santa

♪ has his jolly
little eyes on me ♪

♪ fa LA LA LA
LA LA LA Lee ♪

♪ and who is that I see

♪ underneath her
Christmas tree? ♪

- ♪ Oh Christmas
oh Christmas ♪

♪ it's sweet mystery ♪

♪ I'll mix a dash
of Christmas cheer ♪

♪ with a candy cane

♪ and deconstructed
alchemy ♪

- Merry Christmas, Sandy.

- Merry Christmas,
spongebob.

- ♪ Santa, Santa, Santa

♪ has his jolly
little eyes on me ♪

Hi, Mr. krabs.

Are you ready for Christmas?

- Why, Christmas is me favorite
time of the year.

After all, 'tis the season
of getting.

- Don't you mean
the season of giving?

- Exactly.

The more you give,
the more I get.

[Chuckling]

- ♪ Oh Santa, Santa, Santa

♪ has his eye on me

♪ he sees everything
I've done ♪

♪ every plot, plan,
and scheme ♪

♪ it's just a bit
of fun ♪

♪ Santa has his eye on me

♪ every naughty deed

♪ is written
in his scroll ♪

♪ so every Christmas morning

♪ I get a stocking
full of coal ♪

- Maybe you would get
a real present from Santa

if you weren't the biggest jerk
in bikini bottom.

- I'm way ahead of you,
Karen.

There is one element
in the known universe

that can turn
even the nicest sap

into the biggest jerk
they can be.

And I, plankton,
have discovered it.

Behold, jerktonium.

I'll give everyone
in bikini bottom

a present of the most innocent
of all holiday goodies,

the fruitcake.

And each and every slice

will be laced
with jerktonium.

Once ingested,
no one can help becoming

the biggest, creepiest,
meanest jerk ever.

And Santa will realize
that Sheldon j. Plankton

isn't so bad after all.

And then I'll finally get what
I really want for Christmas,

the krabby Patty
secret formula.

[Oven dings]

And now for
the main ingredient,

jerktonium.

Okay, jerktonium,
do your stuff.

It is complete.

[Laughs maniacally]

[Chuckles]
The jerkmaker

will make doling out
tainted fruitcake a breeze.

Now, who's gonna be
my first victim?

- Hey, plankton,
what you got there?

[Gasps]
Hey!

Is that a fruitcake
dispenser?

You don't suppose I could
have a piece, do you?

[Ding]

- Sure thing, fruitcake.

Here you go.

Hot from the oven
and full of lovin'.

- [Sniffing]
Ooh.

Oh, hot! Hot! Hot!

Ahh.

Mmm. Wow, this is great.

- So how do you feel?

Kind of cranky?
- No.

- Sort of surly?
- Mm-mm.

- Maybe just
a little bit jerky?

- No.

I feel just like
this cake tastes,

absolutely delicious.

- Hmm.

He must have gotten a piece
without jerktonium.

Here, try some more.

- Don't mind if I do.
Mmm.

- How's your dander?

Is it up?
- No.

How could I possibly
be angry when my taste buds

are swimming
in Christmas cheer?

- Oh, boy.

Here comes some more.

[Exclamations]

- [Groaning]

Have some more!

Have a whole load!

Have a Baker's dozen.

Well?
- Well--

I think everyone should
taste your amazing fruitcake.

- Mm, you know what?

Knock yourself out.

Stupid hunk of junk-tonium.

My gift to bikini bottom.
Boy, oh, boy.

[Caroling]

- Hello, fellow revelers.

Would you like
a Christmas treat?

- Why sure, spongebob.

- Yeah, who doesn't
like treats?

- Nothing loosens up
the old pipes

like some fruitcake.
Dig in.

- It's like a present
for my mouth.

- I knew you'd like it.

- Hey, did we come here
to sing or eat fancy cake?

- Whoa, calm down, bill.

What do you wanna sing?

- Well, I wanna sing the only
Christmas song that matters

and that's jingle bells.

From the top.
A one and a two and--

- no!
Hold your holly!

We're singing the best
Christmas song ever,

and that's silver bells.

- Wrong bells, buddy.
- Hey!

I wanna sing "Randolph,
the red-nosed seahorse."

- Oh, what is it with you
and that song?

- It's great to see people so
passionate about the holidays.

[Overlapping yelling]

- What's all the racket?

[Overlapping yelling]
- What do you know?

The jerktonium seems
to work on these jerks.

Very interesting.

- Oh, boy,
a Christmas parade.

The perfect occasion to spread
some mouthwatering joy.

♪ Oh everyone try
some hot fruitcake today ♪

♪ eat it all up,
and you will shout hooray ♪

All: Yay!

- ♪ Everyone can get behind

♪ a mouthful
of warm sunshine ♪

♪ everyone eat
a christmastime cliche ♪

- [Crying]

- ♪ Everyone can get behind

♪ a mouthful
of christmastime ♪

♪ let's all eat
some hot fruitcake today ♪

[Overlapping yelling]

- This just keeps getting
better and better.

- Ho, ho, ho.
So, little boy,

what would you like
for Christmas?

- I want a sled and a truck
and a bike and a train.

- Hi, Santa.
Have some fruitcake.

- And water p*stol.
- Ooh.

- And a helicopter.
- Ho, ho, ho.

- Oh!
- Well, why don't you

get a job and
buy all that junk yourself?

And while you're at it,
try brushing your teeth,

you little--
- have some fruitcake.

- Thanks.

That's it.
I'm out of here.

[Grunts]

[Glass shattering]

- Ooh!
- Wee!

Oh, yeah,
and I want a trampoline.

- Success!

Soon all the bikini bottomites
will be jerks.

Now I just need
to figure out

what to do about
ol' spongeboy.

- Once again, your master plan
is fatally flawed.

It seems that spongebob's
innocent love of the holiday

shields his heart from
the effects of jerktonium.

- [Giggling]
That tickles.

- Drat!

That square head's
gonna throw

my whole naughty-to-nice curve
right off.

I guess it's time
to introduce plan "b".

[Laughs maniacally]

Plan "b", meet Karen.

Now go, my automated agent
of naughtiness.

Go and destroy
spongebob's good name.

[Laughing]

Huh?
Oh, yeah.

[Grunting]

- I am ready.
I am ready.

I am ready.

Ready to destroy Christmas.

- What's going on
out here?

Oh, it's just you,
spongebob.

Aah!

Hmm.

- Oh, spongebob,
you've been a bad, bad toy.

- [Screaming]

- I can't believe
we survived

that horrifying car accident
without a scratch.

Whoa! Oh!

Oh, here's the problem.

[Deflating]
Oh, that's not good.

Flat tire, huh?

Looks as sad
as an empty bag of beef.

[Shivering]
It's cold up here.

Why don't you kids at home
go make

a nice hot cup of cocoa
while potty builds me a fire?

- [Shivering]
Oh, hello, kiddies.

It's so cold.

Me eye patch cracked.

[Crackling]

There hasn't been
any food or water,

food, or food
for over minutes.

[Coughing]

Boy, I could sure go
for some buffalo wings

right about now.

Sounds good, eh, potty?

With a side
of blue cheese dressing.

[Slurping]
Argh.

[Chomping]

- Aah, patch!
What are you doing?

- I'm sorry, potty.

I don't know what
got into me.

I'm just so hungry.

- It's okay, patchy.

I can't stay mad at you.

- Oh, hey--

why are you looking at me
like that, bird?

What are you doing?

[Tires screeching]

- Merry Christmas, fellas.

- Ah, go stuff a stocking.

- Gee, that wasn't very nice.

Season's greetings,
Mr. krabs.

- What?

Well, you got some nerve,
spongebob.

This is coming out
of your salary.

- What's that all about?

Hey, Patrick.
What ya up to?

- I think it's pretty obvious,
spongebob.

I'm eating fruitcake

and setting a tiger trap
for Santa!

Now, if you don't mind,
I'm kind of busy right now.

- Yeesh, okay.

You don't have to be a jerk
about it.

Everybody's on edge today.

Must be the holiday jitters.

- Nosey body.

Aah!

[Grunts]

Yay, it works!

Oh, hello, big striped shrimp.

[Screaming]
Oh, no!

[Bells ringing]

- Ahh, Christmas Eve,

when all of bikini bottom
is filled with goodwill.

- Merry Christmas, Frankie.

- A merry Christmas
to you too, Johnny.

- [Grunts]

- More like bad will.

Gosh, if people don't start
acting nicer,

Santa's gonna fly
right past bikini bottom

this Christmas Eve.

I'm gonna need some help.

Squidward!

- I'm not home.
- Oh, gosh.

What do I do now?

- Why don't you
go bother Sandy?

- Good idea, squidward.

I'll have to thank you
when you get home.

- I said I'm not home.

Spongebob,
give me back my door.

[Groaning]

- Sandy, Sandy,
I need your help.

It's Christmas Eve,
and everyone

in bikini bottom
are acting like jerks.

You gotta help me
find out why.

- [Chewing]

[Growling]
- [Gasps]

- Why should I help
all them jerks?

- Because those jerks
don't care

about Christmas anymore,
Sandy.

It's a problem.
- Problem?

My only problem
is I'm out of fruitcake.

Only thing I got left to eat
are boring old nuts.

- Oh, the problem
isn't the fruitcake.

The problem is that everyone,
including you,

is acting like a jerk.

Oh, I'll have to solve this
on my own.

Whoa!

- Dag nabbit, spongebob.

You got fruitcake
in my Christmas magic analyzer.

Well, I'll be hornswoggled.

My analyzer's found something
in the fruitcake.

[Gasps]
This is terrible.

- What is it, Sandy?

- The fruitcake is contaminated
with jerktonium.

No wonder I've been
as ornery as a sidewinder

on a hot driveway.

Jerktonium is the orniest
element of them all,

and your fruitcake
is full of it.

Where'd you get
that fruitcake anyway?

- From plankton.
He baked it.

- You took food
from plankton

and fed it to everyone
in town?

- Uh-huh.
- You're an idiot.

- Uh-huh.

- No wonder everyone
in town is a big ol' meanie.

- No! I've eaten tons
of that fruitcake.

I must be the biggest
jerk in town.

- Hmm, you don't act jerky.

For some reason,
it's not affecting you.

It must be a combination
of your tiny brain

and pure heart.

You're immune
to jerktonian, spongebob.

But the rest of us
will need an antidote.

I'll set the analyzer
to calculate the formula.

[Beeping]

Why, this formula
for the antidote

don't make no sense
at all.

- Mm, that's no formula.
That's a song.

♪ Dum dum dah dah dum
dah dah dah dah dum ♪

Sandy, the song
is the antidote.

[Indistinct yelling]

- Oh, yeah, well,
your fins are fat.

- Says you.

- Ahoy, everybody.

[Snaps fingers]

[Snaps fingers]

[Christmas music]

♪

- ♪ bring joy
to the world ♪

♪ it's the thing to do ♪

♪ but the world does not
revolve around you ♪

♪ don't be a jerk ♪

- ♪ don't be a jerk ♪

- ♪ it's Christmas ♪

♪ be nice to babies
and animals ♪

♪ old folks too

♪ 'cause that's how
you'd like them to treat you ♪

♪ use turn signals

♪ don't screen my calls ♪

♪ don't you wreck the house ♪

♪ when you deck the halls

♪ spit your gum
where it won't ♪

♪ wind up on my shoe

♪ squeeze toothpaste
from the bottom of the tube ♪

♪ don't be a jerk ♪

- ♪ don't be a jerk ♪

- ♪ it's Christmas ♪

It's Christmas!

[Jazzy Christmas song
continues]

♪

[Laughing]

♪ When others are talking,
never interrupt ♪

♪ don't put people down ♪

♪ or leave
the toilet seat up ♪

♪ it's the time
for family ♪

♪ and holly and Turkey

♪ 'tis the season
to be jolly, not jerky ♪

- ♪ jolly, not jerky

- ♪ Santa brought nearly
every gift on your list ♪

♪ why whine about the one
that he missed? ♪

♪ Don't be a jerk ♪

- ♪ don't be a jerk ♪

- ♪ it's Christmas ♪

♪ it's Christmas ♪

♪ don't be a jerk ♪

- ♪ don't be a jerk ♪

- ♪ it's Christmas ♪

[Overlapping chatter]

- Congratulations,
spongebob.

Your song worked.

- And not a moment
too soon.

Santa should be here
any minute.

- You ain't kidding.

Here he comes now.

[Christmas music,
sound of jet engines]

♪

- Oh, boy.
Santa, you made it.

- Whoa, ho, ho, ho.

Cool your jets there, son.

I'm afraid I'm the bearer
of bad tidings.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.

It seems you're all
on my naughty list this year.

- Naughty list?
- No buts about it.

You've all been
a bunch of jerks.

- But--
- but nothing.

Coal for everyone...

[Crowd gasping]

Except plankton.

All: What?

- I'm just as surprised
as you.

But compared
to the rest of you,

he's been a Saint.

Here you go, Sheldon.

I believe this
is what you asked for.

- Me secret formula?

How did you get that?

- I have my ways.

- Um, dad.
- Huh?

Get out of me pocket,
you foul goblin.

- But--but--but--but--
but--but--

but, Santa,
you've got it all wrong.

- On the contrary,
spongebob.

You're the worst of all.

- Aah!

- Why, there you go right now,
wreaking havoc.

- [Screaming]

- Uh-oh.

- I am ready
to destroy Christmas.

Destroy Santa.

- You want Santa,
you gotta get through me.

- Okeydokey.

- Oh, my.

- Is that all you got?

[Yelling]

Aah!

- I'm outta here.

[Nails squeaking]

You do realize
this counts as naughty?

- You put that
jolly elf down,

you big tin imposter.

Hot from the oven,
full of lovin'.

[Electronics crackling]

Hurry up, Santa,
hop on.

[Boom]

- Thanks again
for saving my keister.

- Oh, it was nothing.

- You're clearly
a very good lad,

unlike the owner of that
wind-up monstrosity.

What have you got there?

"If found, please return
to the chum bucket."

Plankton!

- Uh-oh.

- Hand it over, Sheldon.

Don't make it any worse.

- Okay, boys.

Let's give plankton
what he deserves.

- Aah!

- So long, kiddies.

- Bye, Santa!
- Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

- See you next year.

- Hey, has anyone
seen Patrick?

- [Giggling]

Gotcha!

- Santa's workshop?

I'm here, Santa!
I'm here!

- I'm not going in there.

- Santa.

There's only one thing
I wants for Christmas,

and it's to meet me hero
spongebob squarepants.

- [Laughing]

- Argh?

Ahh!

- [Growling]
- Let go!

No, no!

- I think stealing
a mail truck

definitely counts
as naughty.

Wouldn't you say,
potty?

- I sure would, Santa.

[Laughter]

Both: Merry Christmas.