06x05 - The Splinter/Slide Whistle Stooges

[bunniefuu]

-Are you ready, kids?

-[kids] Aye, aye, Captain!

-I can't hear you!

-Aye, aye, Captain!

Oh...

♪ Who lives in a pineapple

Under the sea? ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ Absorbent and yellow

And porous is he ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ If nautical nonsense

Be something you wish ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ Then drop on the deck

And flop like a fish ♪

-♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

-Ready?

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants

SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ SpongeBob ♪

♪ SquarePants ♪

[laughs]

[plays airy tune]

Seven, six, five, four,

three, two...

[cheers] Open for business!

Yah. Woo[!]

Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs,

can I do it today?

Huh-huh? Can I? Can I do it?!

[chuckles] I suppose you can

have the honor today, lad.

[laughs, whoops]

, ...

Freshness, check!

Buns, check!

Fresh patties... [yells]

...check!

Oh, silly me. I'm forgetting

one more minor detail.

[grunts]

Oh, yeah!

Is it getting hot in here?

[laughs] Or is it just you?

-[bell rings]

-[yells]

"Two Krabby Patties."

"P.S. SpongeBob you're an idiot.

Love, Squidward."

Oh, love you too, Squiddy!

Two Krabby Patties

comin' right up... [groans]

-[shaking]

-[grunts]

Hmm...

Gotcha! [strains, grunts]

[shattering]

[strains, yells]

[sighs]

This thing is stuck pretty good!

[groans]

[yells]

[moans] I guess this is it.

[sliding]

Oh! You really saved me...

[yells]

Hey, a splinter!

OK, well it's been nice

knowing ya,

but you have got to go... now.

OK. Out we go.

Whoa, that kinda hurts.

Come on. [grunts]

Oh, that really hurts.

Oh, barnacles, this hurts!

[pants] Conk shelled manatees!

This is painful!

[wheezes]

[strains]

[squeals]

[pants]

OK. You're tough, you're smart,

you are charming.

But you're still

no match for me!

Look!

A bald eagle with a moustache!

[chomps, strains]

OK, fine, stay.

But I hope you like

making Krabby Patties.

Excuse me, sir, but, um,

I ordered a couple

Krabby Patties a while ago,

and I'm wondering

when they'll be out.

[laughs] It looks like

I'm crushing your face.

-[laughs]

-So will they be ready soon?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't

move too much. It ruins it.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

You're making this

a little difficult.

Luckily, I am ambidextrous!

Perfection!

[rings bell]

-I hear you. I hear you.

-OK, good!

Cos these two Krabby Patties

are ready!

[groans]

-SpongeBob?

-Yes?

-Can I ask you something?

-Yes.

-What's that?

-What's what?

-You know.

-[spatula shakes]

Know what?

-This?

-What?

-This thing here.

-What thing where?

The spatula...

[yells] tied to your nose!

[laughs] This! Well, you see,

this got stuck up there!

So I stacked stuff

and climbed up to reach it.

I reached to grab it. I got it,

but then I fell and I screamed!

I was sure I was dead.

But I wasn't.

Then I got this splinter...

Squidward? Squidward,

were you listening at all?

I got this really bad splinter.

See?

I couldn't hold the spatula

so I used my nose!

-Makes sense now, right?

-Oh, yeah.

That makes perfect sense.

You're a half-wit

who injured himself at work

being a nit-wit.

[laughs] Good one, Squiddy!

Injury! Your brain is injured.

Wait a minute!

Did you say you got that

splinter injury at work?

-Yeah.

-Oh. [scoffs]

-That's not good.

-I know. It hurts so bad.

Yeah, when Mr. Krabs finds out,

oh, man.

-Finds out what?

-Finds out about this injury!

You mean, my splinter?

He'll be forced

to send you home.

H-h-home? But I'm fine.

Here, let me take this for you.

Why? Hey, wait. I'm fine!

It was a good shift

while it lasted.

While it lasted?

What are you doing?

Wh-why are you...

I know it's hard to say goodbye.

But, Squidward, I'm fine!

♪ I'm fine, I'm OK

Look at me, nothing's wrong ♪

♪ See, see ♪

-See, see.

-Oh, I believe you, SpongeBob.

But unfortunately,

the rules clearly state

you must be sent home.

No! Anything but that!

Please, Squidward.

You can't let this happen!

[sobs] You can't let them

force me away.

Sorry. The rules are the rules.

[sobs]

Yeah, it'll be pretty quiet

around here

with Mr. Krabs sending you home

early and all.

I just hope we'll make it

through

the whole rest of this day

without you here.

[hyperventilates]

Please, Squidward!

Don't tell Mr. Krabs! [sobs]

What? Me? Tell Mr. Krabs?

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no.

No.

[inhales] Phew!

-Well, maybe.

-[gasps]

[heart pounding]

I don't have to

tell Mr. Krabs...

because he already knows!

[shattering, shriveling]

[deflating, shaking]

[screams]

-He does?

-Oh, yeah!

Krabs has

preternatural instincts

when it comes to situations

like this.

It's almost as if

when something's amiss

in his restaurant...

he can smell it!

[sniffs]

[continues sniffing]

[sniffs]

These quarters smell sad!

You're not planning on getting

a refill with 'em, are ya?

No, I wasn't!

[slurps, grunts]

[gasps] You're right,

Squidward! I need help!

[dialing]

Please, pick up! Please,

pick up! Please, pick up!

[tapping]

-Patrick?

-Yeah?

Thank goodness you're there!

I got a splinter...

Mm-hmm. I see!

Well, I'm pretty booked today,

but I think I can fit you in.

-Thanks, Patrick!

-No problem!

[inhales]

You called the right person,

Mr. SpongeBob.

[grunts]

Now let's see

where the problem's at.

Hmm. Interesting. [sniffs]

Uh, Patrick?

Hmm. Interesting.

Patrick?!

[sucks]

[gargles, chews]

-Patrick, this isn't helping!

-Oh! I'm sorry[!]

[popping]

I didn't realize

you were a doctor! [scoffs]

-I'm not!

-I'm sure you can figure it out

with your years

of med school.

-You didn't go to med school!

-So?!

Patrick, sorry.

I really need your help!

Oh, no. It looks like

you have things under control.

Please, Patrick! I don't wanna

go home early! [cries]

OK! But we play by my rules,

SquareBob.

Well, here's your problem!

But don't you worry, buddy.

We're gonna make it go away!

Thanks, Patrick.

You're a lifesaver!

[yells]

[creaking]

There appears to be

a little bit of swelling.

This garbage compress

should help that go down.

[squelching]

That doesn't look good.

-[alarm beeping]

-Yeah, but my shift is over.

Call me in the morning.

If you can still dial a phone.

[sighs]

[gasps]

-What's that?

-What's what?

-Behind yer back!

-You mean this?

Put yer hat on, boy!

Show some company pride!

[chuckles]

Company pride, of course!

-Uh, SpongeBob?

-Yes?

Have you always had three legs?

-Yes.

-Interesting.

What's this about a splinter

Squidward's been telling me

all about?

[gasps]

-All right, boy! Let's see it!

-[whimpers]

Come on, SpongeBob.

It's just a little splinter.

I mean, how bad could it...

[gasps]

Oh, merciful Neptune!

-[groans]

-OK. No problem. No problem.

[honking]

-Problem sol...

-[deflating]

Phew! For a second there,

I thought I was going to

have to pay you

workman's compensation.

What's worker's compensation??

You know, when you get paid

for sitting at home.

You mean, I can get paid

while I'm at home?!

What do ya think

"compensation" stands for?!

-[clattering]

-[grunts]

Uh, Squidward?

[banging]

[grunting]

Can I get my compensation now?

Sorry, Squidward. Your shift

ended over two minutes ago.

[groans]

[snores, smacks lips]

[water pouring]

[whistling]

Huh?! What's that?

Hmm. Must be hearing things.

[inhales] Ah.

Smell that fresh morning sea.

-[sings to himself]

-[whistling]

Huh?

Must be hearing things, again.

[whistling]

[whistling, popping]

-[whistling]

-[sighs] What is that noise?

[SpongeBob and Patrick giggle]

[sighs] I should've guessed.

Its too early for this.

[giggling]

All right, you two. [grunts]

What is the meaning of this?!

"What is the meaning of this?!"

[both laugh]

[plays slide whistle]

We're slide whistling!

Don't ya mean,

"Playing the slide whistle"?

Squidward,

slide whistling is more

than just simply tooting

on an instrument.

It's a way of life.

Lets show him, Patrick!

[plays slide whistle]

Hey! Get outta here... Huh?!

[giggling]

All right, you two morons,

show yourselves.

[plays slide whistle]

Do you see, Squidward?

Slide whistling can add

a little zest to the humdrum

of everyday life.

I don't need zest.

I need you outta my lamp shade!

-Huh?

-[plays slide whistle]

Get outta there!

[plays slide whistle]

[groans]

-[plays slide whistle]

-Just get outta there!

[plays slide whistle]

[spluttering, squelching]

OK, that's enough.

You've had your fun.

True, Squidward, true.

We have had our fun.

But you know

what's twice as much fun?

Twice as many slide whistles!

-After you, my good man.

-Thanks, buddy!

[both play slide whistles]

-Not the windows again!

-[slide whistles playing]

Gotcha! They're gone! [sighs]

Now if they would just

stay outta my house,

I might be able to enjoy

a little "squid time."

[kettle whistles]

[slide whistle plays]

Huh?

[both giggle]

-[slide whistle plays]

-[slurps]

-[slide whistle plays]

-[slurps]

-[slide whistle plays]

-[slurps]

[plays slide whistle]

[both giggle]

[slide whistle plays]

-[both giggle]

-[slide whistle plays]

[both giggle]

-[slide whistle plays]

-[both giggle]

[slide whistle plays]

[both giggle]

[slide whistle plays

as pages turn]

[slide whistle plays]

-[bangs table]

-I gotta get outta here!

[both giggle]

[banging]

Look, Patrick, Squidward's

finally playing along.

[both play slide whistles]

Go away!

Can't you idiots take a hint?!

[both play slide whistles]

[both play slide whistles]

[both play slide whistles]

[splashing]

[both play slide whistles]

[splashing]

[both play slide whistles]

[banging]

[pants heavily]

I think I lost 'em. [pants]

[both play slide whistles]

[gasps, sizzles]

How would you like it

if someone did this to you?!

[plays slide whistle]

-All right!

-[groans]

[plays slide whistle]

[continues to play

slide whistle]

[pants]

Wow, Squidward. You have got

quite an ear for music.

Don't you... I do?

Yes, my friend.

You have got the goods!

Well, heh, that is true.

Play more, maestro!

Me 'n' Patrick wanna dance

to your sweet tunes!

[chuckles] Well, if you insist.

[both] Oh, we insist!

OK!

[all play slide whistle]

[plays slide whistle]

-Hello?

-[slide whistle plays]

That's unusual.

[slide whistle plays

as pages turn]

What is this?

[plays slide whistle]

Who's there?!

[sniggers]

Who's back here?!

[plays slide whistle, giggles]

All right, this isn't funny!

Come on, jerk!

Think you can mess with me?!

-[plays slide whistle]

-[all snigger]

[all play slide whistle]

Watch this!

[plays slide whistle]

[babbles like a baby]

-[chuckles]

-[gasps]

Someone, help! Baby assaulter!

[plays slide whistle]

-[all yell angrily]

-as*ault your own baby.

-[all yell angrily]

-Hey, get back here!

[chuckles] If you say so.

[plays slide whistle]

[all yell angrily]

Patrick, are you thinking

what I'm thinking?

[popping]

Probably not.

[glass shatters]

Oh, honey. I'm so sorry.

I promise

it'll never happen again.

[plays wolf whistle tune]

Can I help y...

Liar!

She's not lying.

She speaks the truth.

Someone wicked has

disturbed our city, Frank.

But... who would do

such a thing?

Squidward! Squidward Tentacles.

He lives on Conch Drive.

-What?!

-Yes!

We must capture him!

He must pay for his wrongdoings!

He's gonna pay!

He's gonna pay with interest!

[plays slide whistle]

Come on! Let's get him!

[all yell angrily]

Patrick, do you think Squidward

is taking this all too far?

He's only a block away.

[all yell angrily]

-What do you make of it, Sarge?

-A full scale riot!

I'm calling back-up.

Get me the K- unit.

[all yell angrily]

[plays slide whistle]

[laughs]

[sirens blare, angry yelling]

[barking]

Would you like some more?

[plays slide whistle]

[snarling, growling]

Wait. Wait, you stupid worms.

[yells]

I was supposed to retire

this week!

[plays slide whistle]

Let's give 'em a grand finale

they'll never forget!

[plays slide whistle]

[giggles, plays slide whistle]

[grunts]

[plays slide whistle]

[spits] Huh? What is that?

[sniggers, plays slide whistle]

[skidding]

I can't work

under these conditions.

Now you're in the driver's seat,

Squiddy!

[plays slide whistle]

[skidding]

This is great!

[plays slide whistle]

[all yell]

[laughs]

Well, Plankton finally got

what he deserved.

-Whoa! Stop!

-[crashing]

[cries]

Ha! I've never felt so alive!

[laughs]

[horn honking]

I don't wanna stop!

Uh, Squidward? Are you sure

you don't wanna stop?

What are you talking about,

nitwit?

Up ahead!

What "up ahead"?!

[plays slide whistle]

[horn honking]

[crashing]

[all cheer]

[both play Chopin's

Funeral March]

Dr. Forrest, dial , please.

Dr. Forrest.

Your friend is very lucky.

If it wasn't for

that slide whistle

getting lodged in his throat,

the rescue team

might have never found him!

His yelling, or whistling,

I should say,

under all that rubble,

saved his life.

Doctor, why did you leave

the whistle in his throat?

Unfortunately we don't have

the technology to remove it yet.

But on the bright side, he can

still communicate with it!

[whistles violently]

Wow, Squidward, listen to you!

You're getting better already!

Here, we'll help!

[both play slide whistle]

[whistles angrily]

[grunts]

[all laugh]

[both play slide whistles]

[all laugh]

[both play slide whistles]

[all laugh]

[slide whistle plays]