05x16 - Pest of the West

[bunniefuu]

Backing up.

(imitates
rhythmic beeping)

You're better off not knowing.

(imitates beeping)

Your Krabby Patty, sir.

Do you always
serve your food this way?

You mean, with a smile?

Yes, sir!
Beware.

Let it be known
to all far and wide:

the mollusks are coming!
(neighing)

Tally ho.

The mollusks are coming.

The mollusks are coming.

The mollusks are coming.

(brakes squealing)

The mollusks are coming!

Not the mollusks!

Mollusks?
What mollusks?!

There aren't any mollusks
coming, are there, Patrick?

No.

I was only pretending

to be my famous Great Great
Great Uncle Patrick Revere.

He rode through the streets
warning Bikini Bottom

of the coming hordes

of ravenous,
man-eating mollusks.

The mollusks
are coming!
(neighing)

The mollusks are coming!

PATRICK:
It's too bad
nobody listened to him.

What beeth the deal
with ye olde nutcase?

(rumbling)

(both screaming)

Wow, Patrick.

I didn't know you had
a famous relative.

Well, the best part about it is,

I don't have to accomplish
anything in life

because my uncle
already did it for me.

Really takes
the old pressure off.

That's nothing.

My Great Great Grandpappy Krabs

invented the greatest thing
since loose change:

the Spendthrift Billfold System.

Allow me to demonstrate.

Hey, SpongeBob,
how about a raise?

Gee, thanks,
Mr. Krabs!

Uh, uh, uh. Watch.

(groans)

See?
Doesn't that hurt?

Every time.

Gosh, I don't have
anyone famous in my family.

Oh. Well, then it's
lucky you have me

as a famous friend,

or your life would
be a hollow shell.

(shoes squeaking)

l'll bet you're somebody's
famous poop-covered ancestor.

(sighs)

l never realized
how sad and empty my life was

until my friends pointed it out.

Hy... ah!

Hi, Sandy.

Something wrong, SpongeBob?

You look sadder than a bullfrog
full of sody pop.

Do you have any famous
relatives, Sandy?

I sure do.

My Great Aunt Rosy Cheeks
was the first squirrel

to discover oil
at Steepletop, Texas.

She's ready to blow!

(rumbling and hissing)

Seems like everybody in town
has a famous relative.

Everybody except me.

Come on. I bet y'all got someone
famous in your family tree.

Well, there was my Uncle Sherm.

He could stick an entire
watermelon up his nose.

That's not the kind
of famous I mean.

Come on. Let's do
a little digging

around your family tree.

SANDY: Family Histories
of Bikini Bottom.

Let's see. "SquareHead,
SquareShirt, SquarePants."

Hey, look at here.

(SpongeBob gasps)

SANDY: It's a statue
of Sponge Buck SquarePants.

I've never even
heard of him.

He got his own statue?

Says here he saved
the entire town

of Dead Eye Gulch.

That's what Bikini Bottom
was known as

back in the Old West days.

(g*nsh*t)

It was a town that lived
under the tyranny

of a nasty crook

till a mysterious stranger
came to town.

(train bell clanging)

(train whistle blows)

Wow! The big city!

Well, time to make my fortune.

SANDY:
Back in them days,

the whole place was run by
that no-good galoot Dead Eye.

Phew-ee!

This place sure is big
and fancy-like.

Gee willikers,
they got an ice cream parlor.

l'll take one scoop of
vanilly ice cream, please.

You're new here, aren't you?

Yup. I just got off'n the train.

You don't say.

(gulping)

(hammering)

(sawing)

(shoes squeaking)

(high-pitched squeak)

(piano playing
h*nky-tonk music)

(clinking, wind whistling)

(glasses clink, liquid pours)

(snoring)

Business is good today.

(music and chatter stop)

Howdy do, y'all?

Great.
Another hayseed.

Charge him double
for his drinks.

Howdy, partners.

Pardon, but is this stool taken?

Yeah.

Some fancy dude just sat in it.

What can I get you, stranger?

Give me a shot.

(voice deepens):
Of milk.

Milk?

Two percent.

Think you can handle it?

I drink this stuff every day.

Over the lips
and through the gums,

look out, tapeworm,
here it comes!

Get ready, Tapey.

(laughs)

(rumbling)

(sighs)

(growls, alarm bell rings)

Oh, yeah. Smooth.

Right.

What brings you
to Dead Eye Gulch, stranger?

Strange is right.

The name's Sponge Buck.

I left home to make my way here
in the big city.

I'm here for the job.

Wonderful!
You're hired.

Hey, everybody,

meet our new sheriff!

(cheering and whooping)

Sheriff?! I'm not here
for the sheriff job.

I'm here for the fry cook job.

Back home, I'm known
for my rootin'-tootin',

never-pootin' chili,

the spiciest chili
west of the old red barn.

(spits)

No offense, kid,

but your chili
tastes terrible.

In a good way?

No. In a terrible way.

Look, we already
gave you the badge,

and the law of the West says
no take-backs.

Since when?

Since...
(muttering)

So that means
you're the new sheriff!

What happened
to the old sheriff?

Uh, he's at Boot Hill.

(crow caws,
Sponge Buck whimpers)

And why is he at Boot Hill?

Because Old Dead Tree Hill
was totally full.

He's a-coming.

Dead Eye's a-coming!

ALL:
Dead Eye?!

BOTH:
Dead Eye?!

Who's Dead Eye?

I'll tell you who Dead Eye is.

But I shall do it...
through song.

Maestro, if you please?

(stool squeaks)

(cracks knuckles)

(cash register bell dings)

(coins clink)

(upbeat h*nky-tonk song plays)

♪ Oh, Bikini Gulch ♪

♪ Was a perty place ♪

♪ With sweet water
and blue sky ♪

♪ Till one day a beast
come a-ridin' from the east ♪

♪ By the name
of Old Dead Eye ♪

♪ That dirty no-good
Dead Eye ♪

♪ Oh, he's robbed this town ♪

♪ He's pulled my pants down ♪

♪ He made all
the pretty girls cry ♪

♪ That no-good goon
wants my saloon ♪

♪ And the IOU's due
tomorrow noon ♪

♪ If we don't get some help here
real soon ♪

♪ We'll lose everything we own
to Dead Eye ♪

♪ We'd stop him
if we weren't to scared to try ♪

PATRICK:
And if you think
that's funny,

let me tell you, Sonny,

you won't be laughing
when you see...

(gasping)

...his...

(teeth chattering,
all gasping)

...big...

(all gasping)

...red...

(gasping)

(pulsing)

♪ Dead eye ♪

♪ Dead eye! ♪

(gasping)

That's me, Dead Eye Plankton.

Who?

We just sang
a whole song
about him.

Well, what are y'all looking at?

(glass clinking)

(crowd whimpering)

What?

Aw... again?

(wind whipping)

Get up, you two!

I'm here for my... money, Krabs.

(giggles)
What?

How am I supposed
to keep the deed to me saloon

when you keep taking
all me mortgage payments?

I'm going broke here.

(clinking)

That's the idea.

(laughs)

l thought
we were all clear on that.

Oh, yeah.

I'll be back
at high noon tomorrow

for the deed.

Hey!

That's not your money!

Who said that?

(yelling)
(yelling)

Well, last time I checked,

this town was Dead Eye Gulch.

Not Yokelburg.

(laughs)

Yokelburg.

(chuckles, clears throat)

Who are you anyway?

I'm Sponge Buck,
the new sheriff.

Want some chili?

Sheriff?

'Round these parts,
we call 'em coffin jockeys.

Coffin jockeys?!

You didn't say anything
about that.

That must be a new record
for running off a sheriff.

(horse neighing)

(bugle blowing)
Hope I haven't missed
the first post.

Whoa, girl!
(sputtering and neighing)

(neighing and sputtering)

Where do you get these guys?

All right, kid, I'm gonna
make it simple for you.

I'm a villain. Got it?

(neighing)
Uh-huh.

And this town ain't big enough

for the both of us, understand?

Yup.

So, vamoose,

or we're gonna have
to settle this thing

Western style at high noon.

Savvy?

Sounds great.

You have no idea
what I'm talking about, do you?

N-no.

(sighs)

(neighing and sputtering)

Hyah!
(loud neighing)

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Aah! Whoa!

Oh!

(grunting)

And stay out!

(ticking)

Hey, only three seconds
off my record.

What are you hayseeds
looking at?

Hyah!

(all screaming)

\
h-Get! Whoa!

Get out of here!

What's gonna happen
to the town now, Pa?

I ain't your pa.

(both screaming)

(laughing)

I love this town!

(laughing)

(neighing)

Whoa, there! Whoa!

Whoa!

Oh!

(thudding)

(buzzard cawing)

Looks like the end of the trail.

We're out of food, water

and lip balm.

(creaking)

I'm sorry, Old Pine.

Guess I'll have to put you
out your misery.

So long, old friend!

Hey, buddy, you
better be careful.

The heat does funny
things to your head.

lt does?
(buzzards cawing)

Oh, don't listen
to that guy, kid.

He's loony.

(both laugh)

(laughing)

(cackling)

(laughter, hoof beats
and neighing)

Well, hey, Sponge Buck.

Those guys are a barrel
of laughs, huh?

But lazy!

Well, anyway, you got
to get back and save
the town, Sheriff.

I ain't no sheriff or fry cook

or even coffin jockey.

And I'm no match
for Dead Eye Plankton.

I'm nothing.

Out West, a man gets right
back up on his coffin

and faces his problems

with the help of his
idiot sidekick friend.

That's me.

(groans)

I don't know. Oh!

Okay, okay, I'll do it.

Just stop hurting me.

Besides, you're right.

lt's time I stepped up
and looked fate in the eye,

so I'll go back
to Dead Eye Gulch,

whip Plankton and save the town

at high noon.

Hop on, buddy.
(neighing)

Thanks, idiot friend,
but I don't know

how we'll ever get back
to Dead Eye Gulch by high noon.

Don't worry.
I got a shortcut.

Hee-yaw!

(neighing)

Whoa!

(both yelling)

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

(neighing)

Why are we going so fast?

'Cause without a sheriff,
Dead Eye won't stop

till he has the clothes
off our backs.

(whipping)

(neighing)

(laughing)

Great idea.

(cawing)

Okay, let's see.

Personal possessions?

Clothes off your backs?

That should about do it.

Look, I'm just going to go
drop off all my new stuff

at the bank.

l'll be back at high noon
to rub my victory in your face

with a little dance.

Uh-huh.

♪ Wah, wah ♪

Uh-huh.

♪ Wah, wah. ♪

l got to admit:
he's got skills.

That's right, and at noon
when I take the deed

to your saloon, Krabs,

I'll own every building in town,

and you'll all have
to work for me

the rest
of your miserable lives.

(laughing, fly buzzing)

(coughing)

(gasps)

Swallowed a bug.

I hate that. Ooh!

It totally ruins an evil laugh.

Yee-haw.

(neighing)

I guess that's it.

We lost.

l don't know
how it could get any worse.

(screaming)

Howdy, guys.

I'm back in the nick of time.

We're heroes.

You're morons.

It's too late.

Plankton's taken everything.

But it's only : .

The final showdown
always takes place at high noon.

Well, I guess
the early bird gets the worm.

And all our stuff.

And me money.

(sniffles)

Me beautiful, beautiful money.

You can't give up!

Before I came here,
I would have given up, too,

but in the short minutes
l've known you,

l've come
to love Dead Eye Gulch.

Could you get to the point?
We're freezing.

What I'm a-saying is,
if we all team up together,

we can stand up
to Dead Eye Plankton

and run him right out
of Dead Eye Gulch for good!

So, what do you say?

Well, I think
we all know the answer.

ALL:
Forget it, Sponge Buck!

Why are you all standing
in your pajamas?

No, don't tell me...
Oh, I know!

You're throwing a slumber party.

Pillow fight!
Ow!

(goofy laughter)

Ow!
(bowling pins crash)

That pillow sure
packs a wallop.

It's made out of wood,

like all pillows
in the Old West.

Round two?

I do believe I'll
sit this one out.

Looks like it's
just you and me, kid.

(grunting)

Come on, guys.

We can do this,
if we work together.

No offense, kid,

but your advice is
as terrible as your chili.

I don't blame you
for losing faith.

I lost faith, too.

But then I discovered the love

of my new idiot friend,

and together,
we've come far.

So I'm sure with all of us
working together

in idiot friendship,

we can beat Dead Eye
and save the town.

So let's huddle up
and make a plan together.

(whispering)

Uh-huh.

(whispering)
Uh-huh,
uh-huh.

(whispering)

Uh, Sponge Buck,

why do you keep saying...?
(makes whispering noises)

Um...?

You don't have a plan, do you?

No. To be honest,

l didn't think
I'd get this far.

(others grumbling)

But I know
we can beat 'em,

if we just work together!

DEAD EYE PLANKTON:
Oh, I am terrified.

(laughs)

ALL:
Dead Eye Plankton?!

So, Fry Cook, you're back,

and all alone.

SPONGE BUCK:
You wish, Dead Eye.

We are united,
right, g...? Hey!

MR. KRABS:
We're right
behind ya, boy!

Way, way behind ya!

So it's come to this:
mano y mano.

Well, you can hold the mano,

because it's come down
to you and me.

Well, well, well.

Look at the time:

(clock chimes)
high noon.

(chiming continues)

(chiming continues)

(chiming continues)

(squish)
DEAD EYE PLANKTON:
Ow!

Huh?

(squishing)

(cheering)

I hate all of you.

Can I try?

You can't do this!

Ow!

Three yee-haws for Sponge Buck!

Yee-haw! Yee-haw!
Yee-haw!

MR. KRABS:
Step right up, everyone!

Just a dollar to stomp
on old Dead Eye Plankton!

(Dead Eye Plankton screaming)

Take that, you no-good, little varmint!
Stop, please!

I have a lot of money!

Aah...

Well, Sheriff,
you beat Dead Eye Plankton

and saved the town.

(clink)

(gulping)

Ah!
Ah!
(glass shatters)

You forgot the most
important part.

What's that?

I discovered the power
of idiot friendship.

Duh!
Duh!

Come with me.
I want to show you something.

Thank you, Sheriff Sponge Buck,
for saving our town

and for stepping
on that little varmint.

History will vindicate me!

(screaming)

We melted down Plankton's gold
and made a statue in your honor.

(oohing and aahing)

I liked my design better.

Sorry about the whole

tricking-you-into-
being-sheriff thing.

And to make it up to you,
I got a new badge for you,

if you'll take it.

Wow!

Fry Cook.

Thank you, good people
of Bikini Gulch.

The statue is truly amazing.

Maybe a little too heavy
in the hindquarters, but still

if I ever have a great, great,
great, great, great, great,

great grandson, I would want him
to look at this statue

and say, "Hey, I'm proud
of my great, great, great",

great, great, great, great
grandfather."

ALL:
Aw!

Say "seaweed."

SPONGEBOB:
So my great, great, great,
great, great, great,

great grandpa Sponge Buck saved
the town of Bikini Gulch,

and everyone in it.

I wonder what happened
to the statue

of my great, great,
great, great, great,
great, great grandpa.

lt was much better
than that one we have now.

Yeah, and it's covered
in jellyfish poop.

Wait a minute.

Gross! Don't touch
that, SpongeBob!

Eww!
What are you doing?!

(squeaking)

That boy ain't hooked up right.

Look, Sandy!

Huh?

Sponge Buck was here
all along.

Sorry, great, great, great,

great, great, great,
great grandpa.

I didn't recognize you
all covered in poop.

Wow!

I've got a lot to live up to.

Maybe one day,
people will know the name

SpongeBob SquarePants.

Keep dreaming,
SpongeBob.

Keep dreaming.

(player piano plays)

SPONGE BUCK:
Hey, everybody!

It's good to be here
at the Krusty Kantina!

We got a real special show
for y'all tonight,

featuring my new best pal...
this guy!

He's an idiot.

(whooping and cheering)

So, what are we gonna sing
about, Sponge Buck?

We're gonna sing a song
about friends.

What kind of friends,
Sponge Buck?

Well, listen up,
and I'll tell ya.

(piano plays simple rhythm)

♪ Who's there for you
when you are sad and down? ♪

Hey! ♪ Idiot
friends ♪ ♪ Idiot friends ♪

PATRICK:
♪ Who picks you up
and smacks you all around? ♪

♪ Idiot friends ♪

SPONGE BUCK:
♪ Who puts thorns in you
so you can save the town? ♪

♪ Idiot friends,
idiot friends ♪

♪ Idiot friends ♪

♪ Duh, duh-duh-duh,
doo-da-duh-doh-doh ♪

♪ Idiot friends ♪

♪ Da, dee-da-da...
doo, da-da-da ♪

♪ Idiot friends ♪

♪ Dee-da-da, da-doo-doh,
da-doh ♪

You know, Sponge Buck,
all we been a-doing

is singing about what
l've done for you.

Well, what have you done
for me?!

Ha-ha-ha!

♪ Who helps you pick
your pants up off the ground? ♪

Thanks, buddy.

Curses!

Only an idiot friend
would do that.

Let's bring it home,
idiot friend.

Okay!

♪ Who lets you ride
on his coffin? ♪

♪ Who slaps you hard
and often? ♪

♪ What do you and me
have in common? ♪

♪ We're idiot friends! ♪

(whooping and cheering)

SPONGE BUCK:
Thank you. Thank you very much.

Yee-haw!
Help me!