05x14 - Blackened Sponge/Mermaid Man vs. SpongeBob

[bunniefuu]

(piano plays dramatic theme)
(horse neighing)

(snorts)

(high-pitched screaming)

Help!

(clicks tongue)

Hi-ya!

Help! Help!

Whoa! Hup!

There, there,
you're safe now, little lady.

(maniacal laughter)

(laughing):
You fool.

You've fallen into my trap.

Now you're mine,
SpongeBob the Strong.

So we meet again, Crazyfish.

Bring it on!

With pleasure.

(knuckles crack)

(groans):
So loud!

You ready to get crazy,
huh, Crazyfish?

You bet your frosting,
sponge cake.

Sorry, I'm not wearing
any frosting.

(squeaking)

Hey, that's cheating.

No, it's not.
Yes, it is.

No, it's not.
Yes, it is.

ls not.
Is not. Is, too.

Is not. Is not.
Is, too. Is, too.

(whistle blowing)
Is, too.
Is not. Is not. Is not.

Is not.
Um... guys?
Is, too.

Anyway, your
shoe is untied.

Is not!
ls, too.

(whistle blowing)
Guys! Is too! Is too!

Is not!
ls, too!

The train!

Don't worry, I'm ready!

Bring it on!

(whistle blowing)

(horn bellows)
(yells)

Oh, good morning, Gar Bear.

(meows sleepily)

I kept you up all night

with my nocturnal outbursts?

Again?

(meows)

No, no,
Tuesday night was the one

with the -foot librarian.

Last night was the one
where I defeat

notorious archvillain
Jack M. Crazyfish,

using the sheer force of my
awesomely developed musculature.

(inhales deeply)

(whip cracks)

(grunting)

(air hissing)

(pinging)

(toilet flushing)

Phew, what a relief.

For a second there, I thought
l gave myself a black...

(yelling)

...eye.

(squeaky thumping)

(SpongeBob whimpering)

(bawling)

(inhales)

(sobbing)

(meows)

(sniffs):
Go away, Gary.

(crying):
I'm busy wallowing!

(meows)

l did something
so dumb to myself

that even you would laugh
uncontrollably at me.

(meows)

You promise you
won't laugh?

Okay. Here goes.

Gary, I gave
myself a black eye

trying to open the toothpaste.

(snickering)

Thanks for not laughing, Gar.

I knew you'd...

(squeaking) Gar?

Hey,
SpongeBob! (screaming)

Hey, cool glasses.

Can I try them on?

Oh!

SpongeBob, your eye.

It's all black and swollen.

How did you mess your
eye up, SpongeBob?

Did somebody hit you?

Where is he?

Yeah, we'll settle
this like men.

We'll sue him.

No, no, it's okay, Patrick.

Uh, he, uh...
he learned his lesson.

Are you sure, SpongeBob?

Who was this guy anyway?

Mm...

it was... Jack M. Crazyfish.

You've never seen anyone
like this guy, Patrick.

He was about feet tall.

(whimpers)

Yeah, he was big and mean.

Oh, but ol' SpongeBob here

knows how to teach a lummox
some manners.

What did you do?

I handled him the same way

I handle all enormous
muscle-bound villains.

With tears?

Uh, no.
With a little...

Hi-ya! And a ta-zow!

And a... hi-ya, hi-ya, hah!

Yeah, he never knew
what hit him.

Well, then
what happened?

I woke up.
Oh! I mean, I...

I know exactly what you mean.

You whupped him
with your eyes closed.

That is exactly
what I mean, Patrick.

Uh, well, see
you later, buddy.

There goes a real hero.

Wah! Wah, wah, wah!

(laughing)

Slugger... that's me.

What the...?

(stampeding hoofbeats)

Yee-haw!
(sea cows bellowing)

Get along, little fishies.

Hi, Sandy.

Whoa.

Hot catsnake in a barn.

Look at your eye.

Land sakes, that's quite
a shiner you got there.

Well, don't you
worry none.

l know some natural
remedies that'll fix...

Keep your natural
remedies to yourself.

Manly dudes like me
don't need them.

I'll have you know,

I got this black eye in a fight.

A fight?

Well, there's no
shame in losing.

Lose? Sandy, I taught the fish
who tangled with me

a lesson he shan't soon forget.

Why? Did he write it down?

No, I engraved it
on his pain gland.

Well, what type of man scuffles
boots with you and loses?

Oh, this was no mere man.

He was the notorious outlaw

Jack M. Crazyfish!

Jack M. Crazyfish?

It all happened late last night.

I was walking home
from work, alone,

when all of a sudden,

Crazyfish sprang up
out of nowhere!

He threw a giant tire
at the back of my head.

Then he stood over me to gloat.

I jumped up
and karate-kicked his hairpiece

right off its snaps.

He was so ashamed,
he ran all the way home,

leaving behind a pool of tears,

which I then proceeded to swoop
up in my victory tankard

and enjoy
as a nice refreshing beverage.

So how did you get
the black eye then?

Oh, yeah.
Well, that's right.

I had miscalculated
the trajectory of my cup,

and the straw jabbed me
in the eye,

giving me this awful shiner.

(beeping)
Well, looks like you're late

for your day job, k*ller.

Ah, phooey.

Late schmate.

A tough guy like me can show up
to work whenever he wants.

Adios.

(indistinct chattering)

SpongeBob is and a half
minutes late for duty.

I hope for his sake this means
he was in a horrible accident.

(loud bang)

(spy-themed music playing)

Well, looks like I was right
about the accident part.

(spy-themed music
continues)

Oh!

Yeah, that's right, pal.

Do the right thing,
just keep on walking.

(slurping)

Uh, do you mind?

We're trying to have
a decent meal here.

That's right.

(music continues playing)

(clearing throat)

SpongeBob...

Dah, dah, dah, dah.
I'm just going to stop you

right there, Squidward.

Spare you the oxygen.

We all know you weaker folk
can't afford to waste it.

(shouting):
All right, folks, listen up

'cause I'm only going
to say this once.

Tough guys don't like
to repeat themselves!

I'm talking to you, Grandma!

Now I suppose all of you
are wondering

how I got this black eye.

SQUIDWARD:
Not really.

All right, who said that?!

Was it you, Grandma?

It was me.
I said it.

Shh...!

Well, folks, I don't happen
to see it as a shiner

so much as a shining trophy

of my glorious triumph
over the forces of evil.

Oh, I know what you're thinking.

Who in the name of Neptune
would want to tangle

with a guy
like SpongeBob SquarePants?

Well, I'll tell you who.

It was a peaceful morning
in Bikini Bottom.

I emerged
from my fruit-shaped bungalow

fresh as a bee,

(shrieking)
when a wanton cry of distress

pounded against my eardrum!

(record scratching)
Hold it.

Sponges don't have eardrums.

He's right.

Hey! Let's save all the
questions until the end.

As I was saying...

I quickly located
the source of the cry,

(screaming)
which was a victim
tied at my feet.

Don't worry, I'll save you.

...I assured,

when a large bowling pin
struck me in the face.

The hurler was none other
than Jack M. Crazyfish.

And I could tell by that
cold sore on his lip

that today he meant business.

With catlike reflexes,
I preempted his attack.

But the scoundrel
had me sabotaged,

and I fell facedown on a pile
of extra-large staples.

He lunged at me,
but I got him in the ribs

with my novelty feather duster.

Down he fell,
like a mighty oak.

(Crazyfish yelling, thuds)

And there he lay.

The very thought
of being vanquished

made Jack M. Crazyfish
burst into tears.

The force of his crying
was so strong

I had to take evasive action.

But one of the blasts
went haywire

and hit me right in the face.

And that's how I got
this black eye...

by giving Jack M. Crazyfish
the whomping of a lifetime.

Whoo! Football!

Uh, what did you say
he looked like again?

Oh, kind of tall,
handlebar mustache.

Little green hat?

I kind of thought it was teal,

but that sounds like him,
all right.

Wait a second.

How did you know
he was wearing a green hat?

(all gasping)

(shivering):
He's... real.

l'm looking
for SpongeBob Square...

Mr. Crazyfish, please
don't skin me alive.

I made all that stuff up.

l was just kidding
about whomping you.

Right folks?
You remember.

l like the part
where you told us

how he was crying like a baby.

(panting)

(door opens and closes)
Hi, Gary.

(panting)

All right, look.

I had a toothpaste
tube, like this.

But I couldn't get it open
'cause the cap was stuck...

and I guess I haven't been

working my arms out
that much lately...

so I opened it up, like this.

Then I was walking, like this,

and I didn't see where
the cap went, like this.

So I slipped on it and I landed
right on my wrench, like this.

(clanking thud)

And I gave myself
a black eye,

like this.

Uh, like these.

So, you see,
I made it all up

so I could keep
from looking stupid.

Makes sense, doesn't it?

Uh... not really.

I'm here because
I heard you make

a really good Krabby Patty.

One super hot

and delicious custom-ordered
Krabby Patty

with extra sauce, my Lord.

Served directly
to your waiting...

(sizzling)

...head and neck area.

Sir, please, I am so sorry.

Where I'm from,
sorry don't cut it.

We settle things
in a different kind of way.

(squeaking)

SPONGEBOB:
Nooooo...!

ANNOUNCER:
Mermaidman and Barnacleboy

have been captured
by the evil Man Ray!

(laughing)

Tickled to the point
of wetting themselves,

and sent on a conveyor belt
of doom

to their watery grave.

We cannot escape,
Barnacleboy.

He's too strong, like
the unbeatable taste

of a Krusty Kid's Meal.

(laughing maniacally)

A delicious new treat
no mortal can resist?

Yup.

Ooh, I just love the
little pip-squeak patty,

small fries
and cold juice product.

ANNOUNCER:
Of course you do, Man Ray!

KIDS:
Yeah!

ANNOUNCER:
Everyone loves
the new Krusty Kid's Meal!

And for a limited time...

CHILD:
Ooh!

ANNOUNCER:
get your free toy inside!

How can I be evil
with flavors this good?

(laughter)

Krabs calls that a commercial?

Who would fall for that schlock?

Hey, something is going on
over there.

(cheering and happy chatter)

Ooh!

The Krusty Krab welcomes...

the Tarpin Twins'
birthday party.

Here are your Krabby
Kid's Meals.

(excited chatter)

Never trust kids, Squidward.

Never trust kids.

Got to hand it to you, boy.

Getting Mermaidman
and Barnacleboy

to sh**t from me restaurant
was a stroke of genius.

All in the line
of duty, Mr. Krabs.

(groaning)

Isn't it great, Squidward?

Great?

Those little savages
tried to k*ll me.

Yeah, but it's so worth it
when you get to work in these.

(off-key fanfare plays)

Stupid kid.

Wait a minute. What's this?

Karen?

My own wife?!

Oh, how Krab clocks me!

Hi, honey.

What's that?

A souvenir from your
boyfriend Krabs?

Oh, pipe down.

I just went to get you
this Happy Hero box.

Wha...?!

Thanks, babe.
You're too good to me.

(gasps)

A Mermaidman action figure,
and a Barnacleboy eraser?!

Look at me. I'm Barnacleboy.

Look at me.
I'm Mermaidman.

Krabs!

(squeaks)

(honks)

(laughing, toys honking)

(laughing hysterically)

Sure!

Why didn't I think
of this before?

If Mermaidman and Barnacleboy
can build Krabs up,

they can tear him down, too.

(laughing maniacally)

(belching)

PLANKTON:
Ding dong.

Hello, boys.

(both snoring)

What?
What? What?

I'm down here, fellas.

Who are you?

Oh, Professor Plankton,

door-to-door salesman.

My card.

"Professor Plankton's
Personal Products?"

Say, you two look

like a couple
of ladies' men, am I right?

(scream, glass breaking)

I knew it!

Just look at that heroic chin.

(horse whinnies)

Those chiseled
features.

(monkey hooting)

(elephant trumpeting)
That bra!

But what's this? Dandruff?

I've got dandruff?!

You sure do.

See?

Oh, my!

(horn honks)

(bells jingling)

Ew!

Couple of studs like you
can't go around like this.

Lucky for you,
Dr. Plankton's come prepared

with Plankton's
Dandruff Control Shampoo.

A little of this stuff,

and the ladies will be
breaking down your door.

Sign us up,
Professor.
Sign me up, Professor.

Wise decision, gentlemen.

(Plankton hums happily)

(shampoo foam hissing,
burbling)

(Plankton humming)

Hey, what do we have here?

You fellas look a little peaked.

Hmm. This shouldn't be.

I wonder.

Say, this isn't

Professor Plankton's
Dandruff Control Shampoo!

It's Professor Plankton's
Mind Control Shampoo!

(laughing)

With conditioner.

Time to prepare
for your next role, fellas,

as my zombies!

(laughing)

(marching band plays
bright, upbeat melody)

KIDS (chanting):
We want Mermaidman!

We want Barnacleboy!

(groans)

We want Mermaidman!

We want Barnacleboy!

We want Mermaidman...!

Uh, hey, kids?

Uh, well, there's Mermaidman

and Barnacleboy in the ballroom.

(cheering)

(kids shouting)
SpongeBob!

Yes, sir.

Go get those AWOL do-gooders

you talked me into hiring,

and bring their patoots
back here on the double!

Aye, aye, Mr. Krabs.

Back, you! Back!

Hey!

(grumbling)

(screaming)

(shoes squeaking)

Mermaidman and
Barnacleboy, please.

And I'm kind of in a hurry.

(shrieks)

♪ Doot, do, doot-do, doot... ♪

(gasps)
(both growling)

(growling)

Oh, my gosh.

You guys live in a dump!

But we don't have time
for that right now.

We gotta get you back
to the Krusty Krab

for your special
appearance.

I'll take ya.

(SpongeBob grunting)

Wow! I haven't seen you
do the spineblaster since...

(grunting)

...since Episode .

(grunting)

When you blasted
that guy's spine.

(whimpers)

You still got it.

Perch Perkins here,
live at the Krusty Krab.

We're just moments away

from an important
press conference

with Mermaidman and Barnacleboy.

I have with me here

Eugene Krabs,
owner of the restaurant.

Any thoughts,
Mr. Krabs?

(gibbering)

(cash register dings)

(chuckling):
Okay.

We'll come back to you later.

(screaming)

Ladies and gentlemen,

I present Mermaidman
and Barnacleboy!

(loud crash)

(cheering)

(cameras clicking)

(both growling)

Oh, boy!

Everyone in Bikini Bottom
showed up!

This is going to be so sweet.

(evil laughter)

Mermaidman, what
is your opinion

of the Krabby Patty?

Ooh! This is too easy.

Now just tell everyone that...

(whispering)

l, Mermaidman, think
that Krabby Patties are, uh...

Uh, what?

They're terrible!

You hate Krabby Patties.

I'm late for Sabby Pabbies?

Barnacleboy, we're late for...

(snoring)

Oh, for crying out loud!

Tell them
you hate Krabby Patties!

(Mermaidman snoring)

(Plankton groaning)

Wha...?

SPONGEBOB:
Mermaidman?
Wha...?

I brought you something
to refresh your memory.

MERMAIDMAN:
Ooh, a Krabby Patty!

Would you look at that?

Barnacleboy,
it's a Krabby Patty.

Why, these things are...

evil!

(all gasping,
SpongeBob screams)

Susie, no!

I hate these
nasty things... ptooey!

And furthermore...

Let it be known
that I, Mermaidman,

prefer the delicious food
available at the Chum Bucket.

Your new favorite
restaurant!
(crowd gasps)

The Chum Bucket?

Plankton must be behind this.

Yes, yes!

It's working.

(Plankton laughing)

(crowd muttering,
grumbling)

Hold it right there!

You forgot your Krabby Patties!

Oh!
Oh!

Krabby Patties.

Krabby Patties!

Oh, no.

Those infernal Krabby Patties.

Their grease-fried
deliciousness could be enough

to free Mermaidman
and Barnacleboy.

(whirring)

(grunts)

(grunting)

(squeaks)

Not so fast!

You're not dealing
with an ordinary fry cook!

It's time for you to meet...

Fry Boy, defender of...

Uh-oh!

Fry Boy...

(deep, heroic voice):
defender of the Krabby Patty!

(both growling)

Aah! Aah!

What? Huh? Hyah!

Yes!

You lose, Plankton!

Now watch as the Krabby Patty's
wholesome flavors

work their magic!

(watch ticking)

I did it!
I did it!

Look at all these customers.

(evil laughter)

In your face, Krabs.

Yes!

So, uh, where's the food?

(laughing)

(gasping)

Food?

Oh, yeah.

Never thought I'd get this far.

It doesn't make sense.

They should have been cured
once the pureness

of the Krabby Patties
entered their...

That's it!

Mermaidman
and Barnacleboy are elderly.

Their poor, aged tummies
must be having a hard time

digesting the food.

I know just what to do!

(squeaky rumbling)

l'm back to my old self again!

Thanks to you,
SpongeBob.

And the delicious power
of Krabby Patties.

Say, I could use a
couple more of those,

and an order
of Krabby Fries.

(toilet flushing)
And a decent latrine.

Well, then,
you guys know where to go!

ALL:
To the Krusty Krab! Away!

(shoes squeaking)

(crowd chatters excitedly)

Hey, everyone,
I made Chummy Joes.

(Plankton screaming)