05x08 - Money Talks/SpongeBob vs. The Patty Gadget/Slimy Dancing

[bunniefuu]

PATCHY:
Ahoy, mateys.

Today I'll be spinning a tale
you won't soon forget.

It's called

SpongeBob SquarePants
vs. The Patty Gadget.

Now, SpongeBob was working.

(whistling)
His eye on the grill,

until he heard a sharp sound
that gave him a chill.

What's going on?!

What can it mean?

Wow,

it's a deep-fried patty
cooking machine.

(gasping)

And hiding behind it,

who do we see?

None other than Squidward
and his bad face acne.

Hey.

What is this contraption
you hauled

into me place?

A miracle, a marvel.

It will cook Krabby Patties
at a fabulous pace.

But how are the patties?

I mean, how do they taste?

I'll let you try one.

Shove this in your face.

l have to admit
that patty was yummy.

Though it sits like a rock

when it lands in me tummy.

But I've got me a fry cook,

and he's always on time.

Ah, but this gizmo is faster,

and you won't pay it a dime.

Your machine sounds delightful,

but how much does it cost?

Hmm, just fire SpongeBob
and tell him get lost.

The machine wanted his job
to make SpongeBob quit.

And SpongeBob didn't like it,
no, not one bit.

Pushing his grill, SpongeBob
burst through the door.

I challenge your gadget,
l declare patty w*r!

With three little words,
Krab started the show.

Flag raised in the air,
he cried,

"Ready,

set...

"go!"

Quick as a flash,

Squidward pulled the big lever,

and sat back and watched
feeling oh, so quite clever.

SpongeBob with spatula held
tight in his fist,

flung patties
not a single one missed.

The crowd was impressed.

Wow!

They cheered full of glee.

All except Patrick
who had to go pee.

A noise and a clatter came
from the machine.

And out popped the patties
in a burst of hot steam.

The gadget was fast,
its first batch completed.

But SpongeBob yelled out...

I won't be defeated!

He took in some air.

SpongeBob swelled his physique.

Then dozens of patties filled
up his cheeks.

He strained and he sweated,
he summoned his will.

And shot Krabby Patties right
on to the grill.

"Not bad."
Yelled out Squidward.

A really good try.

But let's see how you do
against my machine

set on high.

The gizmo, it shuttered,

it clattered, it shook.

And as Squidward laughed,
Sandy said...

"What a schnook!"

But old SpongeBob cried out...

"I won't lose to that thing."

Then he raised up two spatulas
and leapt like a spring.

His hands were a blur,
the patties went flying.

He fried up
without even trying.

Squidward was worried.

SpongeBob couldn't be beat.

I got one last chance.

I'll turn up the heat!

He struggled and strained

till his face turned
dark blue.

Then the lever moved forward
and broke right in two.

The gadget buckled and sparked.

It cracked like a g*n.

So Squidward took off yelling.

"Let me know if I've won!"

Lightning flew from its maw.

It looked ready to burst.

But SpongeBob,
still standing, yelled...

"Foul beast, do your worst!"

The patties came flying by twos
and by threes,

by dozens, by hundreds,
oh, it was something to see.

Aye, that machine, it was fast.

But SpongeBob was faster.

He'd prove to that thing
that he was its master.

The gadget blew into bits
and died with a boom.

The blast was so loud,
it woke King Neptune.

What was that?

It was all over,
finished and done.

With his head held up high,
SpongeBob knew he had won.

The crowd yelled hooray,
Squidward's name is now mud.

But as they were cheering,
SpongeBob fell with a thud.

(gasping)

The service was short,

tears shed with regret.

Squidward, it seemed,
was the one most upset.

(sobbing)

Whoo, yeah!

What's that?

You thought SpongeBob was
buried down there?

They just buried the gadget!

(laughing)

This I swear.

Well, that ends me tale,

straight from the book.

Now, I've got to go
and polish me hook.

Are you ready, kids?

KIDS:
Aye, aye, Captain!

I can't hear you!

Aye, aye, Captain!

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Who lives in a pineapple
under the sea? ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants! ♪

♪ Absorbent and yellow
and porous is he ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants! ♪

♪ If nautical nonsense
be something you wish ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants! ♪

♪ Then drop on the deck
and flop like a fish ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants! ♪

Ready?

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants! ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ SpongeBob... SquarePants! ♪

( Captain laughs heartily )

( plays airy tune )

( waves crashing,
seagulls calling )

SPONGEBOB:
May I help you, sir?

I'd like that table
by the window.

As soon as the present
customers are done with it.

They like to chew their
food thoroughly.

, , ...

Don't rush me, woman!

Perhaps this will speed up
the process.

How will that help
them chew faster?

MR.KRABS:
SpongeBob!

What's the
problem?
No problem.

I was just telling
this customer

he has to wait
for his favorite table.

Five bucks
if I get the table now.

(screaming)

My hip.

Enjoy your meal.

Let me know if you
need anything else.

Why did you give
him the table?

You know what they say,

money talks.

I didn't know money could talk.

Did it tell you to kick
those old people out?

What do you have
against old people?

Don't go goofy on me, boy.

Money can't really talk.

Only fish can talk.

Wouldn't it be neat
if money could talk?

(laughing):
Yeah.

Wait a minute.

What's that music?

I think Mr. Krab's
going to sing.

Oh, great.

♪ If I could talk to money ♪

♪ How great my life would be ♪

♪ We'd tell each other secrets ♪

♪ All them friends
would visit me ♪

♪ I'd bathe in filthy riches
which is clean enough for me ♪

♪ Or you could tell me
what you want ♪

♪ How happy we would be ♪

♪ We'd surely be the best
of friends ♪

♪ We'd never disagree ♪

♪ There couldn't be a downside,
not one that I could see ♪

♪ If I could talk to money ♪

♪ Come along, sing with me! ♪

Uh, no thanks, I got to go.

I really have
to pee.

♪ If I could talk to money
and it could talk to me... ♪

♪ We'd always be the best
of friends for all eternity. ♪

(chuckling)
(toilet flushes)

What did I miss?

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ If I could talk to money,
how great my life... ♪

Parlez-vous français?

¿Habla español?

(speaking gibberish)

Mm-hmm.

Maybe this will make you talk.

Talk!

You're being too hard
on the little guy.

You can talk to me.

I'm your friend.

(sobbing)

I would give anything
to talk to money.

Anything!

Anything?

You?

That's right.

'Tis I!

The ominous Flying Dutchman.

I'll grant your wish.

But it'll cost you.

Yeah, yeah, my immortal soul.

I've heard that speech before.

What?

Well, uh, great.

But be warned...

Yeah, yeah,

skip the lecture.

I want what's coming to me.

Humph, you're no fun at all,
you know that?

Hey, is that pixie dust?

(screaming)

(gasping and sighing)

(chuckling)

Ooh, that was a strange dream.

You think that was
a strange dream?

l dreamt I was trapped

in a prison made
of peanut butter.

Who said that?
Down here.

Hey!

It's a nickel.

What were you doing

in my belly button,
little fella?

l got stuck in there
during your last coin shower.

(shivering)

I don't want to talk about it.

Do you have anything to say
to me?

Yeah. When's the last time
you brushed your teeth?

Oh, it worked!

I can talk to money.

♪ Oh... ♪

Please, don't start
singing again.

Don't worry, darlings.

Soon you'll be rejoined
with all your friends.

(blowing kisses)
Oh, my,

why don't you kiss me like that?

Don't start.

That'll be five
dollars.

(bell rings)

Hey, dudes. Run.
Run!

\
h-Run! Jump!

Jump out!
Jump out!

(chuckling)

Good morning, my darlings.

MONEY:
Good morning, Mr. Krabs.

You're coming home with me.

(money cheering)

SpongeBob, l did it.

I can talk to money.

Go ahead, say hello.

Hello...

Money.

(laughing)

Oh, aren't they a riot?

I'm really starting to worry
about Mr. Krabs.

l'm worried he just
left with my paycheck.

Now that we're alone,

let's tell each other secrets.

What kind of secrets
are you talking about?

Yeah,
we live in a safe.

You got any friends
you could invite over?

Aren't we enough
for you?

What's wrong with us?

ALL:
Yeah!

Nothing, nothing.

You guys are great.

I thought you guys might
want some company,

you know, to make
you happy.

ALL:
Why don't you ask
what would make us happy?!

Okay.

So how can I
make you happy?

Spend us.

What?

We're money.
It's in our nature.

I've been trapped in that
safe for eight years.

I always wanted to be spent

on a fairy princess outfit.

What?! No way.

I want to be spent
on corn dogs.

I want to be spent on diapers.

(all cheering)

Oh, wait a minute.

I am not spending you
on corn dogs, diapers

or fairy princess outfits.

SALESWOMAN:
Did you find everything okay?

Unfortunately.

Yeah!
All right!

(sobbing)

Mr. Krabs!

Looking good.

(gasps)

What's wrong
with Mr. Krabs?

l don't know. He's
acting kind of weird.

MONEY (moaning):
Spend us!

Spend us!

Spend us!

I can't spend all of you.

And none of you want to
be spent on stuff I want.

ALL:
Spend us!

Ah, you're all shallow

and self-absorbed.

What did I ever
see in you?

Spend us!

I'm not listening.

Spend us.

(knock at door)
I'm not...

SpongeBob?

Hi, Mr. Krabs.

l just came by
to make sure you weren't,

you know, totally insane.

(giggling)

Take this bag
as far away
as possible

and bury it!

(chuckling)

Phew. What have I done?!

Give me that back!

Okay, glad you're
not insane.

Dutchman,

you cheated me!

Take this horrible curse away.

I want a refund!

All sales are final

from the Flying Dutchman,

especially for a selfish
shellfish like yourself.

Try saying that
three times fast.

Your soul is going

in me fanny pack

of despair.
Eeee!

Now pay up!

Huh?

An IOU?

Yeah, well,
I sort of sold my soul already.

What? To who?

Those guys.

We were here first,
pops.

We've all got claim
on Krabs's soul.

Get to the back of the line.

Oh, now, I'm sure
we can sort this out.

You, too, SpongeBob?

He was five bucks short
on payday.

(groaning)

Well, Squidward, old boy,
all that's left

is to go win that dancing trophy
and give it a home.

After all, nobody ever worked
harder to get it than you.

(dance music playing)

All those years of training
with the masters.

(cracking)

Your tireless effort to keep
your instruments supple.

Not to mention
your weekly thigh waxing.

And now, it's time to go get it.

Let's do it!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo...!

(clicking tongue)

Want to give me
a ruling, SpongeBob?

Sorry, Squidward.

You got to go lower to win.

What the...?
What are you two doing?

We're limbo dancing

to get ready for the
dance-a-thon auditions.

We're gonna win the trophy.

Ha!

The two of you?

Don't make me laugh.

Come here.

See that?

That's where the trophy's going.

Ooh...
Ooh...

You built us a trophy case
for when we win?

Oh, you are a true friend.

No, you twits!

l built that
trophy case for me

when I win.

l'm going to ace
the tryouts today,

and then I'm going to the finals
tomorrow and win the trophy.

l am going forth
to meet my destiny.

Good-bye!

Ruling, SpongeBob?

I think we'd better
raise the bar.

BOTH:
Hiya, Squidward!

Oh, great,
the Flying Gavone Brothers.

Just ignore them, Squidward.

ANNOUNCER:
Contestants and

to the stage, please.

We're up, Patrick.

Wish us luck, Squidward.

Do I know you?

(laughing)

You kidder.

Let's go, Patrick.

Poor boobs...
They don't stand a chance.

(laughing)

Well, see you
at the finals, Squidward.

You actually got in?

Yep.

(scoffs)
Those two nitwits made it,

then I'm a shoe-in.

Contestant

to the stage, please.

Look out dancing world,
here comes your future.

Music, please.

(classical music playing)

Next.

Ex-Excuse me?

You're done. You know,
next contestant.

You didn't make the cut,
sorry, man.

But-but-but you
don't understand.

I-I-I already built
a trophy case

with the cutest little plaque.

If I could

just-just-just touch it...

Hey!

SQUIDWARD:
But I... Hey!

(punches landing)
Unhand me, you brute!

(screams)

(sobbing)

SpongeBob?

You're just not
getting into

the spirit of this
thing, Squidward.

Help me up.

How'd the audition
go, Squidward?

The audition?

My trophy?

(sobbing)

I-I-I mean, uh, uh,

yeah, the audition.

(chuckles)

Uh, evidently,
I'm such a great dancer

that I've been banned
from the competition for life.

Wow.

Impressive.

(gasps)

Hey, Squidward!

Would you be our coach
for the finals?

What? I've got better things
to do than help you two dopes.

Like polishing
your empty trophy case?

Fine.

But I keep the trophy
when we win. Deal?

Deal!
Deal!

Okay.

Show me what you got, Patrick.

Okay, here I go.

Watch me now!

Ooh!

Cramp!

(Patrick screaming)

Well, I guess that just
leaves you, SpongeBob.

Show me your stuff.

Ready and...

(chuckling hysterically)

Having fun?

Yes.

Yes, I am.

SpongeBob, dancing isn't
supposed to be fun.

It's supposed to be art.

And art is suffering!

Now, we'll start
with some ballet.

Watch my feet and
follow my lead.

Ready?

And plié.

Relevé.

And now...

jeté.

(screams)

Oh, where am I?

See if I can find the light.

(gasps)

(both screaming)

Wait a minute.

(squeaking)

This gives me an idea.

Ready, SpongeBob?

Ready!

A-one and a-two and...

plié... jeté... relevé.

Oh, no, no, no,
this will never work.

You got two left feet.

How'd you know?

Give me those.

(straining)

Ah, that's better.

Okay, let's go.

SpongeBob, what are you doing?

Why are you moving
your arms like that?

(chuckles)

I guess they're happy.

(groaning)

Hand them over.

And the other one, come on.

(straining)

Ah, now that's more like it.

Gee, Squidward, with your arms
and legs doing all the work,

I'm not really doing anything.

I think I should help.

Are you questioning
my leadership?

Well, I just...

Okay, hand it over.

You know what, Squidward?

What?

I think I'm suffering
for my art now.

(classical music playing)

Good gravy, get a load
of the talent here!

Oh, pu-lease.

Just wait until you see
my brilliant moves.

(crowd cheering)

Ooh.

(gasping)

(straining)

(cheering)

(square dance music playing)

(cheering)

("Sabre Dance" playing)

(gasping)

(cheering)

(straining)

(wild cheering)

Oh, my goodness.

l am honored to be in the
presence of such divine talent.

Quit groveling.

Where is your dignity?

These losers are here
to worship us.

I mean me.

By the end of the night,

I'll have them on
their knees just
begging for more.

ANNOUNCER:
Now that's what I like to call

a hard act to follow.

Next up, we have
SpongeBob SquarePants.

(cheering)

Oh, man, I can't wait!

I am so stoked
on dancing right now.

Now, before I begin,
let me just thank you all

for coming out tonight.

(muffled speech)

Will you please stop it and let
my dancing do the talking?

(cheering)

(cheering stops)

Wow, Squidward,
the crowd's gone silent.

Of course they have.

They are in the presence
of a true artist.

(murmuring)

What's he doing?

Is he hurt?

I don't know, man, but
it's hurting my eyes.

l think I'm gonna be sick.

(retching)

Uh, Squidward.

Ha!

If they think that's good,
wait till they see...

(straining)

(screaming)

Cramp!

(screaming)

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

(crowd muttering)

(snoring)

(mumbling)

Huh?

Hey, guys, wait up!

Huh? What's this?

Ow! Ow! Ow!

That's kind of nice.

Hey, guys, come check this out.

(screaming)

(screaming)

Must finish dance
on other feet.

(screaming)

Um, Squidward is this
part of the act?

(screaming)

I'm in pain!

(cheering)

By unanimous decision,
we have a winner.

(gasps)

Mine!

I won! I won!

Never before have
l seen such zest,
such joie de vivre.

Oh, thank you.

You're too kind.

But I couldn't have done it
without a very special someone.

Wait, SpongeBob.

No!

(crowd murmuring)

The rule book clearly
states a single dancer

must perform without any further
assistance from a partner.

Therefore, you're the winner.

Oh, man.

The jig's up, Pedro,
we're going home.

(gasping)

It's all right.

I'll go call a taxi.

Merciful Neptune, are there
any more cheaters?

Oh, crud, we're two dancers.

We're nine dancers, actually.

Does this count?

Isn't there a single dancer here

who is not assisted
by a partner?

Uh, what about
number over there?

(screaming)

Is he alone?

Well, let me see.

Why, yes, he is a single dancer!

Oh, well, then...

(screaming)

I guess he wins.

(screaming)

(cheering)

I love your new dance, Patrick.

(screaming)

Thanks.

(knocking)

Tommy, I've got a fresh load
of laun...

(screaming)

(groaning)

Tommy!

Oh, dear me, no!

Hello? It's an emergency.

My son! He's...

Mom, calm down.

I'm just doing The Cramp.

(laughing)

Oh. Oh.

Oh, you kids
and your crazy dance fads.

(laughing)

(laughter)

Hey, everybody,
let's all do The Cramp!

ALL:
Yeah!

(dance music playing,
all screaming)