02x04 - Dying for Pie/Imitation Krabs

[bunniefuu]

( playing jazzy melody )

( ding )

( sour note sounding )

( bell dinging )
Order up, Squidward!

( alarm ringing )

( glass squeaking )

Hey, hey, Squidward,
did you see me?

Okay, see you later,
Squidinater.

Good morning,
Mr. Squidward.

So, are you ready?

To go home?

No, to exchange gifts

for employee brotherhood day.

Mr. Krabs, you pay me

to stand behind this register

and take orders and give change

but you could never
pay me enough

to act brotherly toward...

that guy!

Hmm.

( laughs )

That attitude of yours

is precisely why
we're having this
little shenanigan.

Now, pay attention!

The lad's got
a surprise for you.

Squidward, in honor
of employee brotherhood

I present to you a gift...

Ta-dah!

SQUIDWARD:
"I heart you."

Try it on,
Mr. Squidward!

It's got you
written all over it.

I wasn't sure how big

to make the hole for the head

so I used a watermelon for size.

( straining )

Do you love it?

It's a little itchy.

What's this thing made of?

Eyelashes!

( whimpers )

Now, may I resume
my minimum-wage duties?

After you present
your brotherhood gift.

I'll buy the little twerp
a gumball.

Oh, no, no, no, lad;
you know the rules...

you have to make the gift.

The only thing I'm making
is for the exit.

Is this any better,
Squidward?

I made this one with my tears.

( groans )

I knew you'd come around, boy.

Make something nice.

Why can't I just buy something
for the little weirdo?

MAN:
Heave ho!

If you drop one single
slice of me booty

I'll have... your booty!

( straining )

Hi, there.

Those homemade pies
sure look good.

Oh, these aren't homemade.

They were made in a factory...

a b*mb factory.

They're bombs.

Oh, well, that's too bad.

I thought they were pies
and I wanted to buy one.

Wait!

We were just kidding

about all that b*mb stuff.

That'll be bucks, please.

So, what flavor is it?

Cherry. Apple.
Raspberry.

Well, if it gets
old man Krabs
off my back.

Okay, here it is,
Mr. Krabs,

fresh from the oven.

I'll be returning
to my life now.

Not yet!

I got to make sure
you did it right.

Wait a second...

This would go great
with some milk.

Oop.

( tremendous expl*si*n )

So, you tried to k*ll me

over a little New-Age
management, eh?

But Mr. Krabs,
I had no idea.

I can explain.

Mr. Krabs, are you okay?

I heard a... wow!

A pie!

It's from Squidward.

"To SpongeBob...

Well, here you go."

And that's what happened.

dollars?

A b*mb?

BOTH:
In the Krusty Krab?!

That's where you left it.

It's not there.

SPONGEBOB:
Hey, guys.

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

Thanks for the pie, Squidward.

( singing )

You had to k*ll him.

The boy cries you
a sweater of tears

and you k*ll him.

How are you going
to live with yourself?

k*ll him?

Here's your order, sir.

Thanks.

( expl*si*n )

no, no, what we got...

we got to call the hospital.

Won't do any good...
I've seen this before.

When that pie goes up to bat...

I mean, hits his
lower intestine...

Boom!

You've seen this before?!

times, as a matter of fact.

( dialing )

Yes, hello,
doctor? Hospital?

It won't do any good?

Eleven times?!

Oh!

Oh, he's a goner.

How do we tell him?

Don't tell him...

that'll only make him
feel worse.

The way I see it,
he's only got till sunset.

Why ruin his last day on earth?

The lad deserves
to enjoy his final hours.

( SpongeBob singing )

You're right, Mr. Krabs!

( sobbing )

l'm going to make
SpongeBob's final hours,

the best he's ever had.

And this time,
there's going to be love...

so much he's going
to drown in it!

Drown in it!

"Note to self:
Watch out for Squidward."

♪ La la la la la la,
la la la... ♪

Uh, SpongeBob?

♪ Yes? ♪

I forgot to tell you

there's a part two to your gift.

"Part two"?

Part two, part two, part two...

Uh, please don't do that.

What's for part two?

Well, what's the most fun thing
you can think of?

Actually, I keep a list

of the most fun things
I like to do.

I call it my
"friendship list."

Great...

Uh, let me see it.

The things that are extra fun

I've written in red.

Everything's in red.

Yeah, I know.

We'd better start now

if want to get through this list

before you die...
of anticipation.

Then let's roll!

Bye, Mr. Krabs.

( crying )

Heads up, Squidward...

looks like they're
going to replace you.

Yeah.

Uh, now let's have
a look at that list.

Well, the first thing
I want to do

is show my best friend,
Squidward

to everybody in town.

Hi there, this is
my best friend, Squidward.

Hey, kids, check it out:

This is my best friend,
Squidward.

Hi, I want to show you
my best friend, Squidward.

Hey, Frank.

Glad that's over.

Good, 'cause we're on
to our next activity.

Which is...?

I'm going to show

my best friend, Squidward

to everyone in town
wearing a salmon suit.

You're going to be
wearing a salmon suit?

( laughs )

That's a good one, Squidward!

Next!

Knock-knock jokes.

Hey, Squid, knock-knock.

Who's there?

I am!

( laughing )

( pretends to laugh )

Oh, yeah...

( beeping )

Look out, everyone,
friends in reverse!

( beeping )

BOTH:
Oo...

Turn left, and... stop.

See, that's what
it would be like

if you had me for a face.

I can't breathe.

Are you sure you should be

poking it like that?

Who's the doctor here?

( SpongeBob exclaiming )

the last thing on the list is...

does it involve
more dismemberment?

"Watch the sunset
with Squidward"

"Sunset"?

The way I see it,
the lad's got
until sunset

before that b*mb hits
his lower intestine.

Hey, it's Mr. Krabs.

Hi, Mr. Krabs.

( weeping )

Okay, see you later.

Come on, buddy...

you want a sunset,
you'll get a sunset.

SPONGEBOB:
Ah... underwater sunsets

sure are beautiful
eh, Squidward?

Yeah.

Yeah, this is great

just the three of us...
you, me

and this brick wall
you built between us.

Yeah...

sunsets remind me
of bowls of fruit.

What do they make you think of,
Squidward?

( laughing )

( exploding )

explosions.

I mean, erosion.

You know, if I
were to die right now

in some sort of fiery expl*si*n

due to the carelessness
of a friend,

well, that would just be okay.

( whimpering )

( SpongeBob belches )

Wow, if feels like something

just dropped
into my lower intestine.

( sniffs )

Hey, smells like cherry.

Or maybe grape.

Blueberry?

Here it is, the sunset!

I always love to count it down.

Five!

You do the rest, buddy!

Uh, four...

three...

t-two...

one!

I guess we started too early.

Let's start again.

Five, four, three...

( expl*si*n )

two...

( sobbing ):
One...

Well, at least I was able

to make his last few hours
meaningful.

I am such a good person.

( expl*si*n )

Hey, Squidward, check this out.

( blathering )

Squidward, we already played
"Babble Like an Idiot."

Why are you still here?!

Since we finished everything on
the list, I made a new one.

I already filled up
this book with ideas.

We should be able
to finish by January.

Forget the book!

I spent the whole day with you

doing all kinds
of ridiculous things

because you
were supposed to explode!

You want me to explode?

Yes! That's what
I've been waiting for!

Um... okay, I'll try.

( straining )

Gary! You are going
to finish your dessert

and you are going to like it!

( laughs )

Now, it's your turn.

That's not what I meant,
you barnacle head!

Oo, good one.

No, you're supposed to explode

into a million pieces.

Why would I do that?

Because the pie you ate
was a b*mb!

What pie?

The one I left

on the counter this morning

that I bought from pirates

for bucks, and I
didn't know was a b*mb

and you ate it, that pie!

Pie?

Oh, you mean this pie.

I was saving it in my pocket

for us to share.

Let's eat.

Oops.

( tremendous expl*si*n )

SQUIDWARD:
Ouch...

NARRATOR:
Ah, the Krusty Krab,

home of the Krabby Patty,
with its top secret formula

known only to those brave
enough and intelligent enough

to comprehend
its culinary complexity.

Look, Mr. Krabs, I'm doing it,
l'm doing it!

KRABS:
Quit fooling around, SpongeBob,
we've got customers.

NARRATOR:
But wherever there is
a secret recipe,

there is someone
who wants to steal it.

( laughing evilly )

( thud )

Ouch!

( in electronic voice ):
And now for the final touch.

Perfect!

With this disguise

that formula is as good as mine.

( laughing )

( clears throat )

Are you SpongeBob SquarePants?

Why, yes...

yes, I am.

Then you've just won $ million.

( gasps )

You just have to answer
one question.

What is the Krabby Patty
secret formula?

( inhales )

Yes.

( inhales )

Yes!

( inhales )

Yes!

The Krabby patty formula

is the sole property
of the Krusty Krab

and is only to be discussed,
in part or in whole,

with its creator Mr. Krabs.

Duplication of this formula
is punishable by law.

Restrictions apply,
results may vary.

( railroad crossing bells
ringing )

( screams )

That's it!

You'd better cough up
that secret formula or else!

Plankton!

Krabs!

Plankton!

Krabs!

SpongeBob.

You can't do this to me, Krabs.

( inhales )

I went to college!

Ouch!

That Plankton is a clever beast.

You've got to keep
a sharp eye out for
him, SpongeBob.

The Krabby Patty law
must be enforced.

The future of the Krusty Krab
depends on it.

Don't worry, Mr. Krabs.

As long as these pants
are square

and this sponge is bob...

I will not let you down!

Uh, SpongeBob...

could you let me down?

PATRON:
Man, these patties
sure are delicious.

I wonder what's in
that secret formula?

( siren buzzes )

Code ! code !

Your disguises can't fool me
this time, Plankton.

( pop )

( patrons gasp )

Everyone at the Head
Enhancement Clinic

said nobody would notice.

( sobs )

KRABS:
SpongeBob!

You're scaring away me money.

Sorry, Mr. Krabs,
I'm just trying

to protect the secret formula.

That's no reason
to rip people's
heads off, boy.

Just remember the most
important rule.

No free napkins?

No! The other
most important rule...

regarding the secret formula.

Only discuss the secret recipe
with Mr. Krabs.

As long as you do that,
the secret is safe.

l always thought
the most important rule was,

"Why do today what you
can put off till tomorrow?"

( laughs )

What is today but
yesterday's tomorrow?

Huh?

Today, I want you
to take inventory

on everything in here;

every last pickle
and patty must be
accounted for.

Aye, aye, captain.

( electronic whirring )

Two boxes of buns.

Three pounds of patties.

( in mechanical voice ):
Mr. Squidward.

What now, Mr. Krabs?

That's right, I am Krabs...

your boss, your ruler

your master.

( laughs evilly )

Ha, ha, ha.

( exhaust coughs )

You're not
Mr. Krabs.

Hey, why don't you take
the rest of the day off?

( chuckling ):
Well...

whatever you say,
"Mr. Krabs."

( laughing )

Whoopee!

Hi, Mr. Krabs.

Oh, sweet domination.

This is it!

No sign of Plankton yet.

Gosh, Mr. Krabs, you
don't look so good.

Ooh, you're so cold.

( hollow, metallic thumping )

That's just my metal suit.

I made it to protect
the formula.

KRABS:
SpongeBob.

( echoing ):
SpongeBob!

It's that thick-headed Krabs.

He'll ruin everything.

Look, a jellyfish.

I got it, I got it.

( buzzes )

I got it, I got it.

SpongeBob!

Hey, Mr. Krabs,
what happened

to your metal pants?

Don't go all loopy on me, boy.

I need your help.

And where in the high seas
is Squidward?

You gave him the day off.

Day...

( bellows )

I don't know the meaning
of them horrible words!

Now quit your laying
around, SpongeBob,

and take out that garbage.

It's starting to give me a rash.

Yes, sir, Mr. Krabs, sir.

Hey, Mr. Krabs, just
taking out that garbage.

Never mind that... I
need to talk to you.

( beams zinging )

Whoa-ho, Mr. Krabs.

l didn't know
you had heat vision.

Never mind, I need
you to tell me...

KRABS:
SpongeBob!

Yike!

SpongeBob! I'm
not paying you

to stand around.

Get back to the kitchen.

But I thought you wanted
to ask me a question.

Yes... why aren't
you working harder?

( hesitantly ):
I don't know, Mr. Krabs...

I don't know.

I'll never get that formula

with that pest, Krabs,
popping in and out like that.

I've got it!

I've been saving this
for a rainy day.

lt looks like
an ordinary penny...

because it is an ordinary penny.

That fool Krabs is too greedy
to ignore you, my little pretty.

( laughing )

That sound, it sounds like...

the pitter-patter of...

money!

( squeals )

Hey, where you going, beautiful?

Mr. Krabs.

Wha...

( crash )

Stop!

KRABS:
Please!

Wait!

Nothing stands between me
and that secret formula now.

( mechanical laughter )

( thud )

Ouch!

♪ Scrubba-dub-dub,
l love to rub. ♪

Hey, Mr. Krabs, just doing
a little scrubbing.

Hello, SpongeBob,
it is me, Mr. Krabs...

( exhaust coughs )

in the flesh

standing right in front of you

with no one else around.

I can see that, Mr. Krabs.

I thought we might
discuss the Krabby Patty
secret formula.

Isn't that a microphone?

What?

Why, yes, it is.

I must get this shirt cleaned.

All right, now tell me
the secret formula.

But, sir, we haven't done
the secret handshake yet.

Oh, yes, here, let's shake.

( giggles )

We don't shake
with our hands,
remember?

Uh, right, why don't you start.

We stand on one foot...

balance a glass
of chocolate milk
on our heads

and sing the Bikini Bottom
national anthem.

BOTH:
♪ Oh, Bikini Bottom ♪

♪ We pledge our hearts to you ♪

♪ As faithful, as deep,
as true, as blue ♪

♪ Bikini Bottom, we love you. ♪

Formula time?

Almost.

( grunting frantically )

( expl*si*n )

Yum, yum, this spaghetti
sure is good.

Belch.

BOTH:
Meatball, meatball,
spaghetti underneath!

Ravioli, ravioli,
Great Barrier Reef!

( clap )

Okay, now let's hear
that formula.

Sorry, no can do,
Mr. Krabs.

Wha-a-a-a-t?

But we did everything you said.

I followed all the rules.

I even ate black licorice
jelly beans through a straw.

Now, why can't you tell me
the formula?

It's your rule...

never speak the formula.

You told me to keep it in...

this bottle.

( bell dings )

This is it, Plankton.

Gently, now.

( laughing mechanically )

( gasps )

( gasps )

( gasps )

Gasp!

How could you do this,
SpongeBob?

Giving me secret formula
to this... impostor?

Don't listen to him, SpongeBob.

Remember... ravioli,
ravioli, give me
the formuoli.

SpongeBob, no,
don't listen to him.

I'm the real Mr. Krabs.

Don't listen
to him, he's
obviously a robot.

( exhaust coughs )

Well, if I was a robot,
which I'm not,

at least I'm well put together,

not some rusted-out,
steam-driven pile of junk.

Who you calling "steam-driven"?

SPONGEBOB ( screaming ):
Quiet!

Until I know who the real
Mr. Krabs is, nobody moves,

nobody gets hurt.

BOTH:
Tartar sauce?!

Take it easy with that thing.

( screams )

I'll do the talking around here.

I think I'll just ask you two
a couple of questions;

questions only the real
Mr. Krabs could answer.

Okay, then.

First question: What time
does the Krusty Krab open?

: a.m.

Right.

That's one strike,
"Mr. Fake."

But...

Duh-duh, I'm running
this quiz show

I'll ask the questions.

lf there's going
to be any "buts,"

they're going to be from me.

Okay, question number two:

How much does
a Krabby Patty cost?

$ . .

On Wednesday.

cents.

Right again.

You're starting
to look pretty phony

right about now.

I'd be nervous if I were you.

Now, only the really real
Mr. Krabs can answer this:

If we're discussing
the secret formula

on the third Wednesday
in January,

and it's not raining outside

after we gargle with
vanilla pudding,
what do we do?

That's an easy one.

You just... just...
Let's see, if it's a...

If it's January with...

with vanilla pudding,
you... uh...

Pass.

( grunts )

Wait!

SpongeBob!

Give me another chance.

So long,
Imitation Krabs.

Bye-bye.

I knew it was you
all along, Mr. Krabs.

Here you go.

Thank you, Sponge-Dupe.

( mechanical laughter )

Don't forget your lucky penny.

( laughter continues )

Yoicks.

This must be your lucky day.

( laughs )

COMPUTER VOICE:
The self-destruct coin slot
has been activated.

Ten seconds till detonation.

"Coin-operated self-destruct"?

Not one of my better ideas.

( screaming ):
Help!!

( massive expl*si*n )

( thud )

PLANKTON:
Ouch.

If that was Plankton...

Uh-oh.

KRABS:
Help...

Yah, Mr. Krabs!

Ooh, yum, yum.

Back, you hungry hand, back.

Help!

Gee, Mr. Krabs,
I'm sorry.

I thought you were a phony.

Hoo, that's okay,
me lad.

Long as the secret
formula's safe again.

However, that penny's
coming out of your paycheck.

( both laughing )

SPONGEBOB:
Really?