07x25 - Couch Potatoes

[bunniefuu]

Hey, everybody.
Thanks for coming.

What's up, Dad?
Why did you call us?

We just got back
from the doctor's,

and I wanted to talk about
your mom and the baby.

Something wrong?
No, no.

Oh, man. I bet she's
gonna do one of those
home birth deals,

and we all have
to watch.

No, it's not that.
It's just that...

Roseanne is pregnant.

Dan, we knew that.

Yeah, maybe the doctor
didn't, though.

You know, maybe, uh,
he thought she was just,
you know...big.

No, see,
the problem is...

Roseanne is still pregnant,
and she will be for another
couple of months...

When the hell are we
gonna get a g*n?

...and she's not real happy
about it.

Well, Beck
those cinder blocks
behind our trailer,

they ain't gonna stack
themselves, so--

Yeah.
Sit down, Mark.

Now, Mrs. Conner is going
through something called
"nesting."

See, pregnant women
always want to make
their homes

as comfortable as possible
for the new baby.

All right, I got jobs
for you people.

Do what you're told,
you won't get hurt.

Though in Mrs. Connor's case,
her role is mostly supervisory.

See, we need to fix
this place up for
the new baby.

It's a pig sty,
and this baby is used to
four-star accommodations.

You've done a great job
at keeping it up, honey.

Shut up, Dan.

All right, I want fresh
flowers in every window.
Mark, that's for you.

Uh, what kind
of flowers?

Green on one end
and colored on the other.

Need new shelf paper.
Becky, you're really good
at not dropping stuff,

so that's yours.

Vacuuming and dusting,
that's DJ.

Ah, man!
Why me?

Because I don't care
about vacuuming and dusting.

[doorbell rings]
And then we need some
healthy stuff around here.

Fruits and vegetables.

Jackie,
that's for you.
Got it.

And, uh, you might as well
pick me up some instructions

on how to cook those things.

And, uh, then I want
the whole place to smell
better-- Dan.

David.

Uh, well, I guess maybe
I could simmer

a little spring-rain
potpourri in a diffuser.

[door closes]

Okey-dokey.

Dad, you got
a registered letter.
Uh-uh.

Oh, my God. No, Dan.

Not any bad news.
Not now.

You're right.
This is a very bad
time for bad news.

We can open this later.
It's probably just
my seed catalog.

Anyway, hon, you were, uh,
giving out instructions?
Give me that.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Oh, my God.

Oh, whatever it is, baby,
we can get through it together,

or I could bear
the brunt of it.

We've been picked
to be a Nielsen family.

Oh, Roseanne!

Oh, that's
so much power.

Oh, it is, man,
and I am ready for it, too,

I'll tell you what.

Two weeks from now,
you're gonna see

Bryant Gumbel spinning
plates in Vegas.

All righty,
Mr. and Mrs. Conner,
you are all hooked up.

As of this moment, you are
officially a Nielsen family.

Do you hear that, Dan?

We are smack-dab in the
white-hot center of show biz.

Hold me.

For the next year, that box
will monitor everything
your family watches.

and your viewing habits
will effect the lives of
millions of other people.

Man, this must be
what it feels like
to vote.

Now, I just want to verify
some of the answers

you put here
on your questionnaire.

I see that you both
graduated from high school,

but did either of you
go to college?

No.
No, but we did egg
a college once.

And your children?
Sat in the car.

No, no, no.

It's just I see two
of them are at least .

Did they graduate
high school?

Nope.
David graduated.

That's right.
Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, but he's not
our kid.

He lives in the basement.

Came with the house.

Why you gotta ask
all this stuff?

Well, the advertisers
not only like

to know how many people
watch certain programs,

but also what type
of people they are.

Uh-huh, and, uh,
what type of people
are we?

Oh, you're a fine,
fine type of people,

like many of the people from
this type of neighborhood.

Large households,
modest income,
required education only.

Are you calling
us stupid?

Dan, he's calling
us stupid.

He is?

Uh, n-no.

We don't think of any
of our viewers as stupid.

Really, uh, look,
if there's a problem,

we can just call
this off.

Honey?
No, I wanna be
a Nielsen family.

Our whole lives
have been building
towards this.

Good.
Thank you so much
for participating.

If you have any questions,
there's an number
behind the box.

That means the call
is free.

Yeah, we know
what it means.

Anyway,
just go on doing what
you're doing.

Watch TV like
you always do.

Huh, if that means
"all the time,"
consider it done.

Great. Thanks.

Hot dog!

Time to down a sixer
and help shape the
culture of America.

Do you believe that, Dan?
They think we're dumb hicks.

They just wanna hook up
some poor, uneducated slobs,

so the country
has somebody to blame

America's Funniest
Home Videos on.

So what?
They're paying us
cents a week.

See that little
box there, Dan?

That there Nielsen box
is a conspiracy.

Yeah, that's what you said

when they added
blue diamonds
to Lucky Charms.

No, see,
they wanna make sure
that people like us

watch crap like tractor pulls
and Jerry Springer, you know,

so the advertisers
can sell us all this stuff

that we don't really need.

And then they take our money,
and they give it

to these right-wing
Washington politicians
that cut school lunches

and all these other
budget cuts, you know,
to make sure that

people like us
have no choice but
to stay people like us.

And who the hell
wants to be us?

Can we still watch Montel?

No. We are not gonna watch
nothin' but PBS

and the Discovery Channel
and that other smart crap.

We'll show them.

I understand, uh,
they've got news on
everyday at six.

I'll tell you what,
five bucks on the winner.
** [new age]

I don't like to bet
on these things.
Come on.

It'll make it
more interesting.
Okay, I'll take the big one.

Sucker.
A wolf fighting a moose?

That's no contest.

How come we're not
watching the Bulls?

I told you he was a sucker
for the nature programs.

Come on, Roseanne,
the guys are gonna be
over here soon

and they all wanna watch
the playoffs.

What are you talking about?
This is sudden death.

Don't just stand there.
Fight back.
[moose bawls on TV]

Keep your head down.

Use your antlers
for God's sake.

Oh! It's protecting
its young!

Fixed.
This idiot!

Stupidest moose
in North America.

All right. Good.
He's dead.

Now can we turn on
the game?

Or do we still have
to impress this Nielsen guy?

Hey, it's not just
for him, Dan.

I want a better environment
for our kid.

Look at the other
three kids we got off
of watching WrestleMania.

Do we really have
anything to lose?

Fine. When the kid's six,

we'll start watching
the brainy crap.

I happen to know that
kids five and under enjoy
the same programs as me.

No, Dan.
Oh...

your lips say no,

but your eyes,
they say--

How about that?
Your eyes say no, too.

If you want to watch the game,
go over to Fred's,

but don't blame me
if we grow apart
intellectually.

All right.

Won't be as much fun
as watching with you.

I'll try to get by.

I would rather not have Dan
and his friends over
at my house.

Why? You don't have
to worry about Dan.

He just got a new flea
and tick collar,
and he just got wormed.

Not me, it's Fred.

Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred.

You know how he can be.

Or do you have to spend
days with him to
understand what I mean?

You know, I guess that
honeymoon just never
ended for you two, did it?

Just doesn't want a bunch
of people in his house
touching his things,

you know, moving something
from here to there.

Talked about it in therapy.
It's one of his issues.

That's the way it is
with men, Jackie.

They have
that outer child.

I'll call the guys
from Fred's.

Enjoy yourselves,
ladies.

I'm off to spend time
with a dumb TV.

You can't go.

Why not?

They've renamed
all the streets.

You'll never find it.

I think what Jackie's
trying to say is that

she would rather be hung up
and bled like a hog

than have you
in her house.

Great. Michael Jordan's
back in basketball,

but William F. Buckley
is live from Yale.

[chuckles]

Don't even think
about it, Dan.

I'm quicker than I look.

Let's play keep way,
kind of like with Mom
and her Midol.

[chuckles]

Oh! Oh!
[squeals]

So much for that family
of kittens.

Hello.

It's a surprise visit
from your mother.

Are you shocked?

Well, my pulse
just dropped severely,

and all my systems
have started to shut
down, so...

yeah, I think that
is shock.

I was doing a little
redecorating,

digging through
some old things,

and I thought perhaps
you might like to have
your old baby quilt.

Thanks.
Well, actually, though,

that's the quilt
the dog d*ed on.

Hello, ladies.
Beverly.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna fix the couch.

When I get done,
it'll be as good as new.

This couch is pretty old
and ratty.

Why don't you just
throw it out?

Well, around here
we don't throw things out

just 'cause they're old
and ratty.

And I mean, hell,
they can be old and
ratty and annoying,

and we still
keep them around.

Oh, I see.

Well, perhaps
I should just go.

You know, since
I'm redecorating,

I was gonna offer you
my old sofa.

Oh, that would be great.

But maybe I shouldn't.

Perhaps that's
the kind of thing
you find annoying.

You're not annoying, Mom,
when you're giving us stuff.

Rosie, can I talk
to you in the kitchen?

No. I don't remember
telling you

you could talk to me
in the living room.

Excuse us, Bev.
[sighs]

If you don't want it,
I'll donate it to
my theater group.

They're doing Fiddler.

We are not taking
her couch.

I can just as easily
fix ours.

But she's right, Dan.

Our couch is ugly,

and I want our baby
to grow up in a nice house,

or at least our house
with nice stuff in it,

or at least our house
with crappy stuff in it
and one nice couch.

Honey, you do this
every time we have
a new baby.

With Becky, you wanted
new wallpaper.

Darlene, you wanted
to get rid of
the carpeting.

With DJ, you wanted
to get rid of Darlene.

See? And I'm always right.

I don't want to take
this couch and be more
indebted to Bev.

It's bad enough we took
that , from her.

Oh, come on.
That was over
three years ago.

She has eaten dinner here
at least five times since then,

and one of them times
was shrimp, so she owes us.

Okay, Mom, I vacuumed
the whole house.

Can I eat at Ralph's now?

No, we're all gonna eat
in the living room
like a family.

And look what we're having--
Peanut butter and bacon.

Are we watching PBS again?

Yeah, but they have
a show on tonight

that the whole
family can enjoy.

It's a documentary
on beer making.

I don't wanna watch that.

It's in English.

You're making me hate TV!

Hey!

Don't you ever say that,
not even in jest!

All right.
Fine. Go on.

But don't blame me
if later in your life

you cannot tell
the difference
between hops and malt.

Uh, Mom's not coming over
with the couch, is she?

No. She won't ride
in the back of the truck,

and Dan won't let her
sit on all his maps.

Just in case
she does come over,

don't tell her
about me and Fred
being in therapy.

You don't have to worry
about it, Jackie.

I already told her.

How is that
therapy going, anyway?

I'm sick of it.

It's all this talk about
feelings and boundaries
and validations.

Last week we learned
that Fred needs me
to wash the dishes

before they go
in the dishwasher,

because his sister
threw his tricycle
in the gully.

Well, why don't you
give yourself a break?

You know, just
forget about therapy
and all your problems,

and go home and fix
some romantic type
of dinner.

I don't know.
I know.

I'm telling you,
it really works.

It works for me and Dan.

There is not a man alive
who won't fall madly in love

with you after
a fried bologna sandwich.

[Dan]
Rosie, we got it!

Okay, so where
do you want it?

Um, let's see.
Balanced on
the banister?

No, in the same place
the other couch was.

Oh, it looks great.
[grunts ]

Yeah, and it's
surprisingly comfortable

for something made
entirely of lead.

I gotta get out of here.

My back's k*lling me from
carrying that ugly thing.

That's what we said
when you used to live here.

You know what?
I'm gonna take off.

I am gonna go give that
romantic dinner idea a try.

Good for you.
Any suggestions
on what I should wear?

Weren't you listening
when I told you?

Fried bologna.

Ooh.

Looks like everyone's gone.

Just me and you and...

information about pilsners.

Come join me, my pet.

[groans]
[sighs]

Yeah, you sure were right
about this couch.

It's comfy.
It's good lookin'.

After a couple of beers,
it converts to a love seat.

What's wrong?

I don't like this sofa.

I drove many miles and may
have herniated a disk.

You love this sofa.

No, I don't.
It reminds me of Mom.

It looks like Mom.
It feels like Mom.

It smells like Mom.

It's just like
sitting on Mom.

I think you'd like that.

Wait a minute.
[grunts]

[exhales,
clears throat]

[sighs]

[exhales]
No, don't work.
Get it out of here.

Are you kidding?
Burn it.

I can't.
Yeah, you can.

It's Mom's sofa.
It'll burst into flames

if you just sprinkle
some holy water on it.

Rosie, you gotta calm down.
Obviously, it's the hormones--

It is not
my hormones, okay?

It is a bad sofa,
and now I know why Mom

puts the plastic
covers on it.

It's to keep the evil fresh.

Okay, okay.
Calm down. Come on.
Don't.

We'll have it smelling
like family in no time.

Come on.
All right.

Well, maybe
you're right.
I am.

[exhales]

But it isn't
my hormones!

No. A new couch
is a big change.

I mean, hell,
it's an adjustment for me,

and I just have tiny,
insignificant guy hormones.

So...have you thought
of any names for the baby?

I cannot believe that
you would ask me that now,

after I spend the day
groveling to my mother,

trying to save
my sister's marriage,

and hauling around
your overgrown fetus
inside my body.

Now that was
my hormones!

It's good.
Thanks.

It's pretty easy
to make.

Uh-huh.

[sniffs, exhales]

Can you pass
the salt?
Here.

You want some?

The potatoes
are kind of blah.

Nope. No, thanks.

How's Andy today?
Good.
Pretty good.

I think
it's over, Fred.

Yeah.
I think so, too.

I'll pack tonight.

[sighs]

What are you doing?

I'm watching
The Beverly Hillbillies.

Jethro is ciphering.
[chuckles]

I love it when he does
the "gazindas."

"Four gazinda twelve
three times.

"Two gazinda four
two times.

Aught gazinda aught
aught times."

That's the one thing
about the Clampetts, Dan.

No matter how much money
they got, you know,

the big house,
the fancy eating table,
the cement bond,

they still love
a good possum.

They're true
to their roots.
Yeah.

How many of these
have you watched?

All of them.

They're having
a Hillbillies marathon

in honor of Buddy Ebsen's
th birthday.

Channel is rerunning
the Barnaby Jones.

God bless Ted Turner.

Yep.
So...

What are you doing out here?
Do you miss the old sofa?

Mmm, yeah.

Now I understand
why Granny made Jed

build her that little cabin
out in the back.

You know all that
new stuff we got, Dan,

and them fancy channels
we're trying to watch now?

I just don't think
I can change

to that classy lifestyle
all at once.

Honey, a new couch and PBS

isn't exactly
a classy lifestyle.

I mean, I thought
it would be cool to change

for the sake
of the baby and everything,

but it isn't gonna happen.

We're white trash,
and we will stay white trash

till the day they haul us
out to the curb.

Honey, I don't want you
to change.

Part of the reason I love you
is 'cause you're hill folk.

Like that old saying,
"To thine own self be true."

Well, I'll be damned.

That ain't Shakespeare, is it?

You have been watching PBS.

Actually, I got it
from a commercial.

"To thine own self be true.

[sing-song]
Shop at Eddie's Subaru."

Why don't we just move
this couch back into
the living room?

Mm-hmm.
What about the one
that Bev gave us?

We'll put that out on the lawn
up on cinder blocks.

I don't know.

Most folks around here
don't have a sofa
on their front lawn.

We don't wanna appear
prideful in front of
them that ain't have.

I got a better idea.
Why don't we sell that sofa?

We won't tell Mom,
and we will spend
all that money

on opossums
and rheumatism medicine.

[Both]
Reee-doggie!

** [Beverly
Hillbillies theme]