07x17 - Lost Youth

[bunniefuu]

Well, I give up.

Our insurance company
only gave us

a hundred dollars
to fix this water damage.

I mean, I can't get anybody
to paint it for that.

Come on, Leon,
there's gotta be

some interior decorator
out there

that owes you a big favor.

Oh, what a classy
comment, Roseanne.

You know, it's a wonder
that you work here in a diner

and not in the world of opera,
where they would appreciate

a woman of your...girth.

Don't talk to me about class.

And it's pronounced Oprah.

Listen, Stacy,
I'm really sorry

about you breaking up
with you boyfriend.

I know how hard that is.

I mean, you feel alone,
you feel empty,

you feel like a part
of you died.

So, if there's anything
I can do to help...

Can you lend me bucks?

Well, uh...
I've got .

Whenever.

You know, if we don't
get him neutered,

he's gonna end up
spraying everywhere.

I just--I think
it's disgusting

the way that Stacy
is taking advantage
of our David.

You're right.

If anybody's gonna take
advantage of our David,

it'll be me.

David, come over here.

Yeah, Mrs. Conner?

Uh, you can't hang
around here anymore.

I can't?
No.

We've got this painter
coming in

to do this wall tomorrow.

It's gonna be
way too crowded.

And it's gonna
take that painter

probably all day
to fix that wall,

and then he'll probably
stretch it out

so he can just stand there
and stare at Stacy.

Hey, what if I painted
the wall for you?

You?

Well, that's right.
You do paint.

But I couldn't take
advantage of you
like that, David.

I've only got
$ to work with.

No, I could do a mural.

I mean, it would be
a great opportunity for me.

I would feel like
I was taking
advantage of you.

Well, I wouldn't want you
to feel bad, David.

I'll tell you what.
I won't pay you anything.

Okay.

And bring your own paint.

Could you help me
with my math?

I'm not good at math.

I don't care.

Get out of here.

Break's over, Stacy.

Those dishes have been
on table three for an hour.

[sighs]

Could someone else
clean that table?

I can't.
Why not?

'Cause that's me
and Billy's table.

It brings back
too many memories.

I never saw the two
of you sitting there.

Well, we didn't.

Then how can you
call it "our table"?

I mean, if you didn't
even eat dinner there,

what else could you--

Oh, my God.
You had sex on it?

Is that a problem?

No, it's no problem.

I gotta go talk
to Roseanne.

This isn't about you.

Stacy had sex
on one of our tables.

God, I hope they
left her a good tip.

That's not funny.
I find it disgusting.

I wanna fire her.

Well, I wanna keep her

and install
some security cameras.

You think it's okay?

God, don't be
such a hypocrite,

after all the places
you've done it.

I never did
something like that.

Come on, Jackie,
I'm the one that
had to tell you

that you could do it
laying down.

I am an adult now.

My life has become
more stable.

I have values.

You're jealous.

I am not jealous
of that slutty, trampy...

mother of ours.

I like Mom.

I really can't
clean table three.

Could someone else
please do it?

Okay, I'll do it.

Just do me a favor
and finish cleaning up
this ice machine.

I can't clean
that either.

[laughing]

How's the mural coming?

Great.

I just can't wait
to get to college

and really study art.

Who's Art?
Your new boyfriend?

I'm real proud of you, David.

You'll be the first
Conner man to go to college.

Wait, you're not a Conner.

You'll be the first

man I know to go to college.

See, Mark?
Some people value
education.

Yeah?
If those college boys
are so smart,

how come they're always
asking guys like me
to fix their toilets?

Leave him alone.

Aren't you proud
of your brother?

Yeah, of course.

Dan, you know,
when you were younger

did you ever think
about going to college?

Oh, sure.

When I was his age
it was the most important
thing in the world to me.

Then the the draft ended
and I didn't see the point.

Hi, Mark.
Hey.

Listen,
do you think I could

watch you work on the pipes?

I mean,
I love to watch guys
fix things.

You do, huh?
Mm-hmm.

That's pretty mental.

You're so funny.

You want a coffee?
No.

Okay.

What the hell
are you doing?
What?

You're a married man.

You shouldn't be
coming on to Stacy.

I'm not coming on to her.

She was coming on to me.

Oh, come on,

that doesn't
even make sense.

I'm the one
who's available.

Why would she want you
and not me?

Hmm.

I don't know,
Mrs. Size Shoes.

Leon?
Mm-hmm?

Can I ask you
a question about women?

Well, it's a bit like
asking Mrs. Conner
about low-cal desserts,

but go ahead.

Uh, I was wondering--
Come here.

I was wondering
what they like in a guy.

You know,
since you like guys...

This is offensive, isn't it?

No, actually,
it's surprisingly
interesting.

Well, it's just--

Is Mark better-looking than me?

Come on, David.

I mean, that's like
trying to compare
apples and...

what do they call those
dinky little tiny oranges?

The ug--
Kumquats!

Everyone loves kumquats.

I think Stacy likes apples.

Don't worry about it,
David.

You know,
when I was a kid
about your age,

I wasn't very popular
with the girls either,

and things worked out
great for me.

But you're gay.

Best of luck to you.

Hey, Stacy,
I was wondering...

could I paint you
in my mural?

Wow! Really?

Yeah.

That's why I've been
kind of staring at you a lot,

not because I'm some creep.

Hey, Mark,
guess what?

David's going to put me
in his picture.

This is going to be
so much fun!

Boy, Mark,
now I bet you wish
you had used crayons

for more than just
stabbing people, huh?

Hey, Stace,
you still want to
watch me fix that pipe?

Sure.

Great. Let's go.

[giggles]

Hey, hey!
What are you doing?

Just proving a point.

Why don't you get back
to your painting there,
Fembrandt?

Jackie? Honey?
You okay?

Do we have to go
to the Lobo tonight?

Can't we do
something different?

Like what?

I don't know, man!

I just want to go!

I just want to
go so far

I got to come back
just to see where
I came from.

Are you with me?

As long as we're back home

to relieve
the baby-sitter by .

Oh, yeah.

You're right, Fred.

I'm just being silly.

Honey, pull the car over.

Why?

You getting carsick?

No, I only want you to...

you know, pull over,

so we can...you know.

Oh! What? In the car?

You're crazy.

Come on, Fred,
it will be fun.

It will be
just like high school.

I'll even let you
brag to your friends.

Jackie, if you
wanted to have sex,

you should have
thought about that before
we left the house.

I didn't want to
have it then.

Fine.

I'll turn the car around,

we'll drive back
to our home

and our comfortable bed,

have the sex,
and then go to the bar.

I don't want to have
the sex in the bed.

There are six rooms
in that house.

The only room
we have the sex in
is the bedroom.

Yeah, and the only room
we cook in is the kitchen.

Sometimes we barbeque.

I'm really sorry,
but I just don't get it.

I don't see anything good
about having sex
in a cramped car.

It's not just the sex, Fred.

Our whole lives are boring.

You're boring!

Why, because
I don't want to get
an ashtray in my butt?

Every single Thursday night
we drive to happy hour

and every single time
you take Kenter to Raleigh

and a right on Radford.

You don't take Sycamore
because of the potholes!

Okay, I'm sorry.
You're right.

We'll take Sycamore.

[thump]

Woohoo!
That's livin'!

[chattering]

Hey, Dan,
where's Roseanne?

Oh, she was feeling
a little nauseous

so she filled her purse
with chicken wings
and went on home.

Oh. Great.

I'm glad I came then.

While you two play pool
I can sit at the bar
and have a drink,

because that's
what bars are for.

Bars are for drinking
and kitchens are for cooking

and cars are for driving.

That's God's plan.

You can either
stick with that or you
can go to hell.

Grouchy, party of one.

We're kind of having
a few problems.

Yep.

Should have married yourself

a quiet, easy-going
gal like I did.

Driving over here,
all of the sudden,

out of nowhere
she starts blaming me
for her life.

She says it's lousy
and predictable,

and get this--
Boring.

Ah, women.

They just can't
say they're happy.

It's got me worried, Dan.

It all started
with this...thing.

What kind of thing?

This weird sex thing.

Chicken wing?

I don't even know
how to begin
to talk about this.

I mean, this woman
is the mother of my child.

There's hot sauce.

I am all for having
some fun in the bedroom,

but what she's
talking about, it's--

It's bizarre.

Boy, these must come off
tiny chickens.

Dan is this making you
uncomfortable?

No, no.

Speaking in front of a group
makes me uncomfortable.

Listening to
your and Jackie's sex life
makes me...

wish I was speaking
in front of a group.

Okay, forget it.

No, I'm sorry.

Okay, what did
she want you to do?

She wanted us to have sex

in the car.

With how many people?

Just me and her.

She wanted to have sex
with her husband in the car?

God, it's freaky.

Someone like that
living right here in Lanford.

You're making fun of me, Dan.

No, it's just if your wife
is this unhappy,

you got to do
something about it.

Hey, I thought
our sex life was great!

But apparently
she thinks we're in
some kind of a rut.

You are in a rut.

We are not!

Of course you are.

That's why you're happy.

Guys love being in a rut,

but women think it's boring.

The trick is to keep them
from getting too bored
before they leave you.

Then there goes
your nice, comfortable rut.

But I don't want
to have sex in the car.

Women like to try new things.

If you love your wife,
you got to give a little.

I suppose doing it in the car
is not going to k*ll me.

Not if you put
your flashers on.

Dan, do you ever...

have sex with Roseanne
in your car?

Hell, Fred,
I've had sex with Roseanne
in your car.

That's how much
I love my wife.

So he just left
on his motorcycle.

I don't know why
I always end up dating jerks

who just care
about acting tough.

I just wind up
getting burned.

Well, maybe you should start
dating more sensitive guys,

guys who aren't afraid
of showing their emotions.

Oh, God.
I said I wouldn't do this.

Yeah, you're right.

But guys like that,
they just wind up
feeling like my brother.

Or my sister.

Heh. Yeah.

Boy, those wussy boys
just make me sick.

Hey, listen,
I've got an extra ticket

to the Dead concert tonight.

The chick I was going to
go with had to cancel,

because she had this, uh...

she had a baby.

Are you kidding?

That would be great.

But it gets really hot
in the stadium.

What do you think
I should wear tonight?

I don't care, man.

Wear whatever you want.

I'll be wearing
a tube top.

Hey, Mark, guess what?

David's going to take me
to the Dead show later.

Oh, yeah?

He must like you.

Dr. Quinn is on tonight.

Hey.

Hey, Dan-aroo.

What's the good word?

Well, it's not "Dan-aroo."

David, this came for you
in the mail.

It's my SAT scores.

How come
they're already open?

Mrs. Conner made
an honest mistake.

She forgot to reseal it.

How did you do?

He did great!

Spelling, deciphering,

he done whomped
all they threw at him.

Well, not great,

but, yeah,
I did pretty good.

Don't be so modest.

What's the capital
of Montana?

Uh, Helena?

It probably is!

Hey, Dan, you know,

I got that sink
practically done in there.

I was able to save
a lot more

of that copper tubing
than you thought.

That's great.
Yeah.

cents a foot.
You just made us cents.

See us later, egghead.

Oh, come on.

Don't let it bother you, Mark.

He was just all excited
about my test scores.

By tomorrow he'll remember

that I mostly
just make him uncomfortable.

Hey, Stacy, you know,

if you want me
to help you with your car,

tonight's the only night
I have free.

But I'm going to
the Dead show tonight.

Well, take it
or leave it.

Oh, all right.

I mean, I really need
to get my car fixed.

Sorry, David.

Hey, if you want
to pick up some beer,

I'll hang out afterwards.

Okay.

What the hell are you doing?

Why do you have to
ruin this for me?

It's not my fault
that she likes me more
than she likes you.

Oh, don't give me that.

You just can't stand it
that I was getting
somewhere with her.

You were just closing in
on a handshake.

God, Mark,
how evil can you be?

Fine, I'll ask you nicely.

I really like Stacy.

Okay?

Now could you please,
please as a brother,

just back off
and give me a chance?

No.

Why are you such a bastard?

I'll tell you what,
I might leave her alone
if you cry for me.

Hey!

Hey, what's going on?

Nothing.

No, come on, Mark!

Why don't you tell her
what we're fighting about?

It's nothing!

What did you want?

I came by to ask
if you wanted to go
to a movie tonight.

Hey, that's a good idea.

Why don't you
go to a movie tonight
with your wife?

I can't.
I'm busy.

Busy doing what?

What?
I don't know.

What, I have to tell you
what I'm doing every second?

What is the big deal?

Why are you
acting like this?

It's not a big deal.

I just have to fix a car.

Okay.
Whose car?

Whose? Uh...

You know, it's, uh...

What's going on, Mark?

It's my car.

Actually, it's a car
I'm thinking about buying.

Mark said he'd come down
and take a look at it.

Oh, well,
why didn't you
just say so?

Why did you have to
be so difficult?

Sorry.
That's okay.

I guess I'll see you
at home, then.

Bye.

Hey, look,
when it comes to my life,

I don't need your help.

No, I think you do.

I can't believe
you are risking your marriage
just to hurt me.

Are you really
that jealous of me, Mark?

I ain't jealous of nobody,

especially you.

Oh, come on, let's face it.

Mr. Conner
is proud of me for something
you could never do.

Oh, what?

Walk under a table
without ducking?

Fine.

Put me down,
take a girl away from me,

whatever it takes
to make you feel superior.

Just remember one thing, Mark,
besides Becky,

I'm the only person around here
that gives a crap about you.

Hey.

Hey.

So what time
are you going to come by
and fix my car?

I can't do it.

You should go
to the concert.

Closed-Captioned By
J.R. Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA

[Jackie]
I still don't see

why you couldn't
just get your wallet
in the morning.

Actually, honey...

that's not why
I brought you here.

Oh, God.

Oh, Fred!

Oh, God,
let's do it someplace bad.

Real bad!

Tables are bad.

Don't I know it.

I can't wait to get up
on top of this table and--

It's not too sturdy.

How about the counter?

Oh, the count--
Oh, the counter is better!

You get served quicker there.

Do you need
to see a menu

or do you already know
what you want?

What? What?

It's kind of dirty.

That's okay,
though, because sex
is supposed to be dirty.

[Both giggling]

You sure there's not,
like, a cot in here
or something?

Fred, I know you're
kind of tense about this,

but you just have to
try and relax

because it's supposed
to be a fantasy!

You tell me what
you want to do.

You don't want to know
my fantasy.

Fred, rea--
I'm your wife.

We really should talk
about this stuff.

You're just going
to get mad.

No, I won't, Fred.
I swear to you.

Whatever it is,
I'm not going to judge you.

Okay.

All my fantasies
are you and me...

at home in bed.

Really?

Doing what?

What we always do.

Oh.

I'm sorry, Jackie,
but that's what I like.

Let's go home, Fred.

You don't mind, do you?

No, I don't.
No, not at all.

You tried, and that's
the important thing.

Thanks.

Oh, man, I thought
they'd never leave.

You know, baby,
I really missed you
since we broke up.

Hey, let's go do it
on our table.

You know, I've got
a better idea.

Have you seen
the new ice machine?