07x08 - Punch and Jimmy

[bunniefuu]

Are you sure you want to go
on this Parents' Weekend?

I'll be here all alone.

I'll miss you.

There's a -pack
chillin' in the fridge.

And you are...?

Now, don't you
go calling Darlene

and tipping her off
that I'm headed down there.

I want to meet this Jimmy
guy she's going with,

and I do not want
to give her time

to sober him up
and hide his kids.

Hey!

Why aren't you wearing
any shoes, boy?

I don't want
to wear shoes.

Well, you're gonna.

We've been wearing
shoes in this family

for two generations.

Well, this big kid
said he'd beat me up

unless I gave him my shoes.

Mark, will you come
to school with me tomorrow

and beat him up?

It wouldn't
be a fair fight

for me to beat up
a -year-old.

Why don't you
ask David?

Don't worry.
I'll teach you
how to fight.

I don't want
to learn!

Uh, Mr. Conner,

uh, do you think
you could...possibly...

I don't know.

Is there any way
you could teach me
how to fight, too,

maybe?

Sure, David.
I could teach you
a few things.

Some
of the old patented
Dan Conner moves.

Whoop!
Boom-boom-boom!

But that
would be wrong.

Why?

Well, I--
I have my reasons,

and those reasons
are...

plentiful and mysterious.

Okay. Thanks anyway.

Do I get to know
my reasons?

Okay. Darlene's going out
with this boxer, right?

So David thinks if he
gets to be a tough guy

that Darlene
will want him back.

See, David
needs to find somebody

that will love him for just
being David, you know?

He shouldn't have to be
thinking about changing.

So while I'm gone,

your mission, should you
choose to accept,

is to make David feel good
about being David.

Okay.

By the way,
can you tell me...

some things...
about being David

that he could...
feel good about?

Yeah. Well, you know,

there's...his drawing,
you know, his art,

and, uh...

He sits in front of the TV
for a long time,

so he's got a very good
long attention span.

Groovy.
I can work with that.

Good-bye, house!

Bye, Mrs. Conner.

Bye. Dan, I'll be counting
the kids when I come back.

We better not be missing
more than a couple of them.

Hey, David,
that's really good!

What is that, a horse?

No, it's not just
a horse, Mr. Conner,

It's supposed
to represent power

and movement
and freedom.

See,
I'm trying to show

the wild spirit that's
inside of all of us

that we're afraid
to acknowledge.

He got a name?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Why don't you
move this table saw

into the corner, Deej?

I don't want to hit
my head on anything

when you
knock me down.

Heh heh heh heh.

Good idea.
We'll stretch first.

You don't have to
teach me how to fight.

Oh, son, it's normal
to be scared,

even for a big,
strong guy like you.

But you can't
give in to your fear,

or you'll be afraid
your whole life.

I'm not afraid
of this guy.

I know just
how to handle him.

Show me.

I'm gonna cry.

You can't cry.

Sure I can.
I can cry real good.

And he'll
look pretty stupid

hitting a guy
who's already crying.

Now, son...

fighting a bully
is just a normal part

of growing up
and being a man.

So if I never fight him,
I'll never be a man?

Yeah, you'll be a man.

You'll just be a man
without shoes.

Well, I don't want
to get hit. It'll hurt.

Come on, D.J.

I know a little pain
doesn't bother you.

I've seen you
go to the doctor
to get sh*ts.

I hate getting sh*ts!

Is it gonna hurt as much
as getting a shot?

Damn it, D.J.,

when everybody finds out
that you're not gonna fight,

they're gonna
come from all over

to start picking on you.

The glee club,
the chess team,

even the geeks
that run the projector.

What are you gonna
do then?

I'll do something.

What? Like what, huh?

Stop it.

Make me. Come on.
What are you gonna do?

Fine. I give up.

See? It works.

[Jackie]
Hello?

[Roseanne]
Hello?

Oh, this is wrong.

I can't believe you've
got a key to Darlene's
apartment.

Well, it's
her own damn fault.

She shouldn't have
left her purse

laying
around the house.

We're just gonna sit
quietly and wait, okay?

We're not gonna go
snooping around.

Oh, God.

What is it?

Well, prepare yourself.

It looks
like they're serious.

Jimmy keeps his shirt here.

Guy is a monster!

Look at the size
of that thing!

Hey, that's my shirt!

She stole that from me.

I told you that guy was
a bad influence on her.

Now, you don't know
that he's bad.

She hasn't told me
one thing about him,

so every single thing
I know

I had to
make up myself,

and it's all bad,

and that
is no coincidence.

Roseanne,
that's crazy.

If you're gonna
be nasty to the guy,

he's gonna clam up.

You'll never find out
what he's really like.

I'm not going to pounce
on him, Jackie.

I want him nice and relaxed
when I k*ll him.

Otherwise,
it spoils the meat.

Hey.

Hi. Surprise!

Hi, Aunt Jackie.

What are you doing here?

Well, it's Parents' Day,

and your birth mother,
Morgan Fairchild,
couldn't make it.

Oh,
so you must be Jimmy.

Yeah. Who are you?

Well, I'm Darlene's mom.

You told me
your mother was dead.

Why would you tell me
your mother's dead?

Stick around.

Well, I guess she's
just been trying

to keep us apart,
Jimmy,

and I really
don't know why.

I like you already.

I've always
had a thing for a guy

with pit stains
down to his waist.

I just came
from ballet class.

Oh, ballet.

Darlene, you never
told us he was dancer.

Gee, it seems like maybe
you're ashamed of him.

I never said
he was dead.

Oh, this one,
always with the jokes.

I joke around, too,

but I don't believe you have
to be mean to be funny.

I always told Darlene
I wish I'd met you
before you--

you know, passed away.

Oh, yeah, and you would
have loved me, Jimmy.

I was a wonderful woman

whose greatest
satisfaction in life

came from talking
about the lives
of young people.

So let's
talk about yours.

She's offering you
candy, Jimmy.

Don't
get in the car.

You ladies
mind if I smoke?

Oh, look, Jackie,
a smoker.

Oh, boy.

And would you look at the way
he handles that thing

like he's been doing it
since he was .

Wait. So you're
cool with this?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, if I wasn't pregnant,

I'd be sitting there
right on that bed

gunning sticks with that boy
all day long.

All right. I can
play this game, too.

Me and Jimmy will sit around
with my cool mom,

and we'll all
get along great.

I'll order pizza
while Mom cleans the bong.

Oh, how very humorous
you are, Darlene.

I know you don't
really smoke.

Oh, you're right, Mom.

This is my first
cigarette ever.

Hey, look. Smoke rings.

And you taught her
all this, didn't you,

you sweaty little freak?

I ought to just snap
your ears off

and shove 'em
in your pocket

so you can hear me
kicking your butt!

Jimmy, I'd like you
to meet my mother.

Oh, whoo!

I think the milk
in your mom's breasts
has expired.

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.

Yeah, they kinda lose
that new car smell

after a while,
don't they?

Aw, don't cry, baby.

Hey. Here. Let me
show you a little trick.

Ah-za-za-za-za-za-
ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!

Ba-ba-ba-ba!

Wow. You're good
at this father stuff.

Yeah, and if you build up
enough static electricity,

he'll stick
right to the wall.

Hey, Mr. Conner,
I was wondering.

Do you think there's
any way I could get
a motorcycle?

I've been thinking
about either
a Harley Davidson

or a Hog.

Hogs are Harleys.

Oh. That's probably
why the guy at the store
laughed at me, huh?

David, I know
why you're doing this.

You think having a bike
will make you look all tough.

No. That's not true,
no way.

I mean, unless it had,
like, big flames
painted on the side.

You had a bike
when you were his age.

Chicks
love a guy on a bike.

David doesn't want
the kind of girl

a motorcycle will attract.

If you don't believe me,

take a good long look
at Mrs. Conner.

Okay. I thought
you'd like the idea.

You don't want him
to get a bike

because you think
Roseanne won't approve.

Pfft. Roseanne.

Let me let you in
on a little-known
secret, Fred.

You know
how around here

it always looks like
Roseanne's in charge
of the kids,

and I'm just along
for the ride?

Yeah.
Flip it.

Whoa. Really?

It's true, Fred.

You see, in this case,

David's trying
to be a tough guy,

just like Darlene's
new boyfriend.

And my years
of experience tell me

that David has to feel
good about being David.

Dan,
will you be my dad?

D.J.!

Yeah?

That big kid took my pants.

Fine. Here.
Put these on.

It wasn't my fault!

I don't want
to hear about it!

You don't know what it's like
being hit with your own pants!

Hey, shouldn't you have
told him to fight back?

Au contraire, mon Fred.

If I'd
confronted the boy,

he would have released
his anger at me.

This way, he'll direct it
at the bully

where it belongs.

You're amazing.

No. Just a parent.

A parent who goes
from town to town

helping out,
then moving on.

My only hope:

that kids are raised
just a tiny little better

because I was there.

[David]
Hey! Hey, D.J.,
stop it!

Help me!
Somebody get him off me!

D.J., what the hell
are you doing?

God,
this feels great!

Now I know
why that kid
took my shoes.

D.J., what's
the matter with you?

Man, what happened?
Nothing.

D.J. accidentally...
knocked him down.

He's lying. I kicked his butt.
Here, I'll show you again.

That's enough.

He caught me
off-guard.

What, did he hit you
while you were knitting?

I wasn't gonna pick
on some little kid.

"I wasn't gonna pick
on some little kid."

Mark, out!
D.J., upstairs!

Careful, David. I hear
there's a -year-old

roaming
around the neighborhood
just looking for trouble.

Y-You need some ice?

Boy, David's really upset.

What are you gonna do, Dan?

Why do you keep asking me
what I'm gonna do?

What is it with you
and all the questions?

Why can't a guy do
what he's gonna do
without being asked?

You don't know
what to do,
do you, Dan?

Just been doing
what Roseanne
told you to do,

haven't you?

You're really a very bad
father, aren't you, Dan?

No, I'm not.

I just don't know
what to do with David.

He scares me, Fred.

He's probably
down there right now

crying or reading
or drawing a horse.

Well, why don't you do

what you were trying
to do before?

You know, raise
his self-esteem.

I don't know how to give
a -year-old

who's just been beaten up
by a -year-old

self-esteem.

I don't even know
how to give him hope.

Tell him that getting
beaten up by a little kid

is not gonna make him
any less attractive
to Darlene

or any other girl.

That's good, Fred.

They say it's best
to open with a joke.

I mean it, Dan.

You don't have to be
a big tough guy

to be a man.

Sometimes
the strongest guys

are the ones who aren't
afraid to be soft.

Yeah, you're right.

Okay.

But you know,
if this doesn't work,

I'm gonna have to kick
the crap out of you.

I really liked
that recital, Jimmy.

I've never been
to a ballet before.

Thanks for taking us.
Sure.

Too bad it had
to end so soon.

I still
have some feeling

in my left buttock.

Now, Roseanne,
I know you enjoyed it.

Well, it is
every mother's dream

to get a good look
at her daughter's
boyfriend's package.

Very classy, Mom.

Oh, come on. I wasn't
making fun of his beard
or anything.

You know,
I didn't realize

that the Amish were
allowed to dance.

Would you excuse us
for a second?

We want to buy a knickknack
for the bathroom,

and we need to see
what the theme is.

You--You have got
to give Jimmy a chance.

You've been sniping
at him all day.

What's the matter,
are you feeling
left out?

You're not being fair.

You expected some horrible guy,
the opposite of David,

and if anything,
he's a lot like David.

Well, if he's
so much like David,

then why doesn't she
just date David?

Is that
what this is about?

You want her
to be with David,

so you don't like anybody.

No. I don't like anybody

because
I don't like anybody.

You like David.

Well, of course I do.

He's the nicest boy
in the world,

and I think he was
good for Darlene.

Well, Jimmy might
be good for her.

Yeah, so what if he's
not good for me?

Well,
Darlene is gonna bring

a lot of different
guys into your life.

You're not
gonna love 'em all

the way you love David.

I know that, but we were
just all so good together.

She's not coming back.
He's not coming back.

You're the only one
left in their relationship.

Give Jimmy a chance.

All right.

I guess
a mother just never
really gets over

her daughter's
first love.

[flush]

Well, I know
what to get somebody
for their bathroom

next time we visit.

Yeah, Renuzit.

That's it, you know?

You've been taking cracks
at me and Darlene all day.

Now may not
be the time.

No, Jackie.
I'd like to hear

what the lad has to say.

I am not a lad.
I'm a man.

I wish you'd
treat me like one.

You may talk this way
to your family.

When you're
talking to me,

I demand
a little respect.

Now I think
you should leave.

Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!

Oh,
isn't he the cutest?

Yeah. Maybe I was
wrong about him.

This might actually
turn out to be fun.

Ahem.

Dance for me, boy.

[knocking]

[Dan]
David?

Hey, David.

So how's it going?

I'm fine.

You got nothing to be
embarrassed about.

So you lost a fight.

It happens
to a lot of guys.

Happened to D.J.
all the time--

before he ran into you.

Thanks a lot.

Oh, look, there's
a lot of girls

that aren't into
this macho stuff.

Look at those girls
in Playboy.

Their turn-ons are always
poets and sensitive guys,

crap like that.

Just leave me alone.

I can't.

Why can't you?

I got a good reason,

and that good reason's
barreling right
towards this house

right about now

about miles an hour
in a zone,

slurping a Big Gulp.

So Mrs. Conner is why
you came down here.

Okay. I was wondering.

What's that
supposed to mean?

Just get out, Mr. Conner.

There's no way
I'm leaving now.

I can throw you out
if that's what it's
gonna take.

You done?
Go to hell.

Hey.

You don't talk to me
that way.

I came down here
to help you, boy.

Oh, don't pretend
like you give a crap.

You don't respect me
enough to give a crap.

What are you talking--
I don't respect you?

I'm leaving.

No, you're not.
Wait a minute.

Why is this
all of a sudden
about me and you?

I thought we were
talking about
Darlene and you.

Right?

David...you got to
help me out here.

Mrs. Conner's real good
about figuring out
people's feelings,

but I'm
not Mrs. Conner.

I'm a regular person.

Look,
I know it's weird for you

having me
living in your house,

especially now that I'm not
going with Darlene anymore.
So?

So I thought I'd make
things easier for us.

Wait a minute.

Is that what
all this talking

about fighting
and motorcycles was,

to impress me?

I thought it would
make things less weird

if we had stuff in common.

You mean I figured it out?

Hey, David, we don't have
to like the same stuff

for me to respect you.

Forget it.

No, i-it's true.

Ah, I mean,
in high school,

I used to be jealous
of guys like you

because
I knew deep down

they were better
than me.

Oh,
you're making that up.

Of course I am!

But doesn't it prove
how much I like you

that I'd make up
such a ridiculous lie?

I just figured you were
only letting me live here

because Mrs. Conner
was making you.

Listen, David, even
if Mrs. Conner wanted
to throw you out,

she'd have to throw me
out first.

And I may not
look like much,

but I'm wiry.

You mean it?

Absolutely.

Hey.

You're one of the Conners
now, huh?

Abandon all hope.

Sorry
I took that swing at you.

No problem.

You know,
this is great.

Yeah?

Yeah.

We did something here

that our family
rarely does:

solved a problem
without the cops.

Good. Good. I mean,
I feel closer to you now.

Yeah, me, too.
Yeah, this is great.

And now that you
know how I feel,

Mrs. Conner
doesn't have to be

the only one
you can talk to
in this house.

All right.
Yeah.

When's Mrs. Conner
coming home?

Soon! I'd better go see
if she's almost here.

This is good.

I know.

I got to hand it
to you, Dan.

You got this parenting
thing down.

You're a great father.

Kinda like
the Great Dantini.

Come on, Fred. You gonna
talk or play ball?

You know, none of us
have ever beat you
at anything.

Not softball,
fixing cars,

not parenting, nothing.

Uhh!

Game over. Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.

Come on, Jocko. You got
to win by two baskets.

You said one.

I changed my mind.

Guard me.

I'm not gonna guard you,
Dan. I won.

Hey, Mama's boy.

Mama's boy.
You gonna cry? Huh?

Come on, Mama's boy.

Squirt me a few.
Come on.

Let me see you cry.

Come on, little girl.
, , , cry.

You're my favorite
sister-in-law, Fred.

I swear to God,

you're my sweetest
little girl.

Fred, I don't want you

to think of me
as your commander.

I want you
to think of me as...

well, God.

[Roseanne]
Dan! Kids! I'm home!

[whimpering]