07x03 - Snoop Davey Dave

[bunniefuu]

Grape, grape.

Grape, grape, grape.

Grape, grape.

Grape, grape, grape.

Grape, grape!

Orange, orange.

Orange, orange, orange.

Orange...

Hey, David.
How's it going?

Great.

Uh...

This is about you and Darlene
breaking up, isn't it?

I mean, you didn't catch
yourself in your fly, did ya?

Uh, listen, David.
I know you're...

feeling a lot of...

feelings.

And that's good.
Feelings are good.

Even when they're bad. Maybe
I should go get Mrs. Conner.

Why?
Uh...

Well, because like you,

Mrs. Conner has a lot of...

feelings.

And she likes
to talk about 'em.

I don't want
to talk to her.

Oh, okay. Well...

Listen, I don't think me and you
should talk while you're crying,

so why don't you just
finish up there.

I don't mind
if you're here.

I... I just don't want
to embarrass ya.

I'm not ashamed to cry.

Well, of course not.

I mean, uh,
crying's a sign of strength.

I mean...

Men who cry
show a lot of courage.

A lot more than all the guys
who are laughing at 'em.

I just feel like...

like my heart is just
ripped out, you know?

And I'm just empty.

Like a shell.

You understand, don't you?

Yeah. Shell.

I love her so much,
Mr. Conner.

Yeah, I know, and I'm sure
she loves you too.

She used to.

Listen, David.

You know what?
Best thing for you to do

is just pick yourself up...

dust yourself off,
and start all over again.

Thanks, Mr. Conner.

No problem.

What's wrong with me?

Why can't she love me?

Listen, David.

Everybody goes through
something like this.

Yeah?

You ever lose something
you really wanted?

I sure have.
Absolutely.

I remember,
I was just about your age.

Regional playoffs, fourth
quarter. We're down by three.

I dive on a fumble,

I had it in my arms,
it was mine.

Some guy jumped on my back,

and I lost it.

See?

No.

I really wanted that ball.

My coach said something
to really help me.

He said, "Conner,

"walk it off. "

So that's your advice?
Walk it off?

Well, yeah.

And the thing
about dusting yourself off

and starting all over again.

Thanks, Mr. Conner.
I'll try.

Thattaboy.

Oh...

Mom, where's
my black coat?

Well, that
narrows it down.

My big black one.

It's in the hall closet.
What are you gonna do with it?

I'm gonna take it
to school.

Why don't you get it when you
come home for Thanksgiving?

Yeah, we kind of like
having it around here,

in case, you know,
Johnny Cash shows up

and he's cold.

I gotta take it now.

I probably won't
be home for Thanksgiving.

Why not?
I got this job,

and I have to work holidays.
Work holidays?

What kind of a job is it?
Mrs. Dan Conner?

It's at the radio station.
And if it works out,

I'll get to work there
next summer too.

Darlene, that's great!

I remember my first
summer away from home.

I was sick!

I hated every minute.
What are you thinking of?

Where are you
going with that mug?

I'm gonna pack it for school.

No way, that
is your at-home mug.

You're not taking that
off to school.

That is to be used
only in this house.

Mom, it's mine.

Oh, well, why don't
we just go to Denny's

and ask which one of us
stole it in the first place?

Let her have the mug.

If it makes you feel
any better, honey,

I'll take you out
to dinner tonight.

Bring your big purse.

Now this wouldn't have
anything to do with that fact

that your ex-boyfriend
is living here,

and you just don't want to come
home and deal with him, does it?

Mom, I don't need to use
David as a reason

not to come home.
I always have you.

Things still a little tense
around here, huh?

Yeah. Dan, get out of the fridge
and go talk to him!

I don't wanna go in there!

He'll just cry
on me again.

Well, that's tough.
You're drafted.

I'm putting on a dress and going
to Canada like I did last time.

If you like, Roseanne,
I could talk to the boy.

I have loved and lost.

I have loved and won.

Yeah, love's a crazy game.

You pays your money,
you takes your chances.

But that's all part
of this cockeyed-

Cockeyed caravan
we call life.

What were we talking about?

Never mind, Jackie.

I think he should have a man
talk to him anyway.

Hey, Mark.
You know any men?

I'm not going in there.

I'm not good
with feelings.

You?

You, whose poetry
makes me weep?

Get in there!

All right.

Hey.

I know what
you're thinking about, man.

You can't get that
picture out of your head.

That other guy,

climbing on top of her.

God, I never even
thought about that.

Sorry, man.

I don't think you should
be so bummed out.

You can get much
hotter girls than Darlene.

Besides, she always
pushed you around.

She's a total bitch.

Leave me alone.

Nice!

Believe me, she was just
going to get much worse.

Oh, David, I know you don't
want to believe me now,

but, you know, you're going
to feel better in time.

Look, I don't need your help.

I was perfectly happy when she
was going out with me and Jimmy.

If it wasn't for you, I never
would have made her choose.

Yeah, and the three of you
would have made a lovely couple.

Maybe if I would have
just waited,

she would have gotten
tired of Jimmy

and come back to me.

Come on, David, that was
not gonna happen.

Darlene felt it was time
to move on.

You don't know anything
about her.

You have no idea what she
does in Chicago.

Well, I assume she's just a
little ball of sunshine there

same as she is here.

You don't know how she
spends her time.

You don't know who
her friends are.

You don't even know
she does dr*gs.

What do you mean "dr*gs"?

You name it, she does it.

But I guess you already
knew that, right?

Darlene, get up here now!

Hey. Let's see if we can
get her to pee in a cup

without getting her suspicious.

How could our kid could have
turned out so stupid?

Maybe it's all that pot we
smoked in high school.

Get David in here, too.

No. I don't want Darlene to
know that he snitched on her.

He's suffered enough.

I don't care,
where is he?

He's upstairs in the witness
protection program.

He answers to the name
Steve now.

What? I'm packing.

Sit down, you got a lot
of explaining to do.

Well, see first,
I open the suitcase.

Then-
Sit.

Cut the crap, Darlene.

Now I want the truth.

Are you using
illegal narcotics?

No.

Well, that's funny,
'cause I heard you were.

Who told you that, David?

No. Not David.

David!
Get in here now!

Yeah, 'cause you won't believe
what we heard about Darlene!

Why would you believe
David over me?

I'm your own daughter.

Because we're familiar
with your work.

Hey, Darlene,
how's it going?

Did you see Darlene
use dr*gs?

Yeah.

What kind of dr*gs?

Uh, I know she smoked pot
a few times,

and she told me she
tried speed,

and twice I saw her
drop acid.

You did acid?

I tried it twice, okay?
I just tried it.

I didn't like it and I'll
never do it again, okay?

No, it's not okay.

You tried it
and you didn't like it?

So then you went
and did it again?

Well, the first time I was
on the floor in convulsions,

so I couldn't tell
if I liked it,

so I tried it a second time.

If I was you, I'd get serious
real fast, Darlene.

I'm sorry, I know
it was a mistake.

But it was, like,
months ago.

I haven't done it since
and I don't plan to.

I think you're lying.

I'm not lying.

Well, your father
and I think you are,

and you say you're not,

so I guess we need an impartial
third erson to settle this.

David, you're on our side,
what do you think?

I think she might.

Unbelievable.

Well, Darlene,
your mother and I are going

have to think long and hard
about what to do about this.

You are not going back
to school.

What?

That's it!
End of discussion.

Well, we thought
about it and we decided

you're not going back
to school.

I bet you're high now.

Does my face look
all distorted?

Yes, which just proves
that I'm completely straight.

You know they told
us at school,

if you do dr*gs, you wind
up all weird and really crazy.

I love you, DJ.

Hey! Hey, where you goin'?

Where's your brother going?

He's supposed to take out
the trash.

Oh, I'll do it.
Hey Dad, think fast.

What's this?

You want to try some horse?

The game, I mean.

No, thanks.

Oh, come on.

It's been a while since
we played ball.

This isn't going
to work, Darlene.

You're not going back
to school.

Oh, come on, Dad.

Do you really think
what I did was that bad?

Yes.

Give me a break.

You grew up in the ' 's.

I've seen the photo albums.

I mean, those clothes had to have
some pharmaceutical explanation.

Your mother and I smoked pot,

and it was stupid,

but not nearly as stupid
as what you're into.

Dad, you know me,
I mean, I'm not an idiot.

I worked too hard
to get into school.

I'm not going to mess
it all up by doing dr*gs.

Then why'd you try it?

'Cause I was curious.

I mean, now I know.

I'm not curious anymore.

You believe me,
don't you, Dad?

This matter is closed.

Hey, DJ!

Come on, you gotta take
the garbage out!

You do believe me.

You're just going along
with Mom.

Drop it.

You never stand up to her.

You know what, Darlene?

You got a lot to learn
about sucking up.

Roseanne,
what are you doing?

Well, apparently Darlene
didn't think I was serious

about keeping her home
from school,

so I'm just
helping her unpack.

You looking for dr*gs?

No, I just want
to make sure

she doesn't take-off with one
of our complimentary bathrobes.

What the hell is that?

I told her she couldn't
take that.

Listen, Roseanne?

I'm real worried we're doing
the wrong thing with Darlene.

I don't think she's lying.

I don't think she's going
to do it anymore.

Well, Dan, if you feel that
strongly about it,

I guess I'll have
to honor your instincts.

Good.

See, you can't even tell when
somebody's lying right to your face.

Jackie, could you excuse us.
Roseanne and I have to talk.

No, this discussion's over.

You're not going anywhere.

She lied right to us, Dan.

She said she did it once
and didn't like it?

Come on,
nobody doesn't like it.

And besides, David said she
would do it again.

Well you can't believe David,
it's a jilted boyfriend.

Besides, pulling Darlene out
of school right now's

just gonna screw up any kind
of future she might have.

What, to go on and run one
of those huge drug cartels?

Well, I could really use
some fresh air.

No! You're not leaving.
He's leaving. Leave.

You keep her in Lanford,

you're just gonna drive her
to dr*gs.

And around here she won't have
to pay those big-city prices.

She won't be doing any dr*gs
around here.

Are you kidding, look around!

Why wouldn't she?

Hell, why don't we?

She won't, because we are going
to be watching her,

and we won't, because we
couldn't possibly

be any happier
than we are right now!

Anybody need a pop-

Sit down!

You're gonna keep an eye
on her all the time?

What are you going to do,

quit your job, put her in a
box, and watch her all day?

No, Dan, I'm going to put her
on top of the television

so you can watch her
all day.

I give up.

Can you believe him?

His kid is on dr*gs and he's acting
like she ate her school paste.

Well, I don't know,
Roseanne.

Did you ever think that
if you keep her home,

you could be screwing up your
relationship with her forever.

Who's side are you on?

I'm on your side.

I'm just worried you might not
be thinking clearly.

Not thinking clearly?

I won a great big argument
just then, didn't I?

I just know that
it is very hard for you

every time that Darlene
goes away to school,

and now it seems even
more permanent

because she is taking her
"at home" mug.

Are you out
of your ever-loving mind?

This has nothing to do
about a stupid mug, okay?

It has to do
with my kid on dope!

I don't think you understood
the symbolism of the mug!

Hi, Mrs. Conner.

Hey.

Listen, I just want to tell
you that I really think

you're doing the right thing
keeping Darlene home

from school and if you want I can
help keep an eye on her for you.

Thanks, and I'd like for you
to use a variety of disguises.

I heard her talking
on the phone

and I think she might be planning
on running away to Chicago

and staying
with some friends.

So, I called
the radio station

and they said she
hasn't quit her job yet.

Plus, I think I know
where she keeps her journal.

That could help us a lot.

Well, thanks for the beat
from the street, Huggy Bear.

What?

Well, you've got
it all figured out, don't you?

Why are you mad at me?

I'm just trying
to help Darlene.

No, you're not.

If you were trying
to help Darlene,

why didn't you tell me she was
using dr*gs before this?

Because, I, I,
I wasn't worried about her

when I was around
to protect her.

Mmm hmm.

And who knows the kind of people
she's running around with now?

Like that new guy
she's dating.

He's definitely the type
that does dr*gs.

Do you know that?

Do you have proof of that?

No, but, you know,
it's a feeling.

And, uh, that feeling wouldn't
be posessiveness

and selfishness,
now would it, David?

What did I do wrong here?

You are mad at Darlene
for dumping you.

So you're desperate
to keep her in the house.

And you're spying on her.

Which normally I like,

but I don't like the way
you're doing it.

I'm gonna go talk to her.

She's in the basement.

Boy, you just
don't quit, do you?

Darlene!

Did you have fun looking
through my things?

Well, I always have.

Well, if you found something
that looks like a stamp,

don't lick it.

You know, Darlene,
I would like nothing better

than to believe you so I could
let you go back to school.

You don't want
to believe me.

I do so.

If you could just give me one
little thing to hold on to.

I swear to god,
with all my heart and soul,

that I regret doing it.

I mean, it was
a stupid thing to do,

and I'll never do it again,
I swear to god.

What else you got?

Nothing,
that's all I got.

All right.

Well, go to school.

Really?

You believe me that I'm not
gonna do dr*gs?

I really don't know what
to believe, Darlene.

But, you know,
you're almost an adult now

and I just have no choice but to just
let you go and just take my chances.

Well, I'd feel better if you
trusted me.

Yeah, I'd feel better
if I trusted you, too.

You know,
but if you want my trust,

then you're going to have to
work really hard to earn it back.

Mom,
I'm telling the truth.

I only tried it
because I was curious.

Well, I really hope
that that's true.

I hope you weren't doing it,
for some reason,

to, uh, rebel
against me and your dad.

'Cause there's other ways
to aggrevate us

besides frying
your brain cells.

You know, look at Becky.

She never did dr*gs,
she married Mark.

Well, there is a young
Republican that I'm interested in.

There you go.

Now you're thinking.

Thanks, Mom.

But if I think that anything
is up at all,

I will yank your butt
back here so fast

that you'll think you're
having a flashback.

Yeah, I got it.

And you're gonna call me every
single hour on the weekends.

All right.

And I want you in this house
for all the holidays,

okay, Thanksgiving, Christmas
and Black History month.

Well, what am I supposed to say to
my job when they say I have to work?

Just say no.

All packed up and ready
to go to school, huh?

You know, the great thing
about this is,

is that after
all that's happened,

we can stil talk like this.

Would it help at all if I told you
I'm really sorry about what happened?

Yeah, me too.

I'm sorry I didn't
dump your ass sooner.

It's okay, Mr. Conner,

I'm gonna be strong,
I'm not going to cry.

Good.

Okay, David.

Okay.

Just let me get the remote.