07x02 - Two for One

[bunniefuu]

Ugh!

David!

Mrs. Conner.
I know, it's late.

I was just down in Darlene's
room... playing Monopoly.

Yeah, right, and I
was up here doing sit-ups.

I'm not lying, Mrs. Conner.

Darlene and I haven't
had sex all summer.

Well, I wouldn't know
anything about that,

what with being
born yesterday.

Mrs. Conner, there's
something I have to tell you.

I love your daughter,

but I don't wanna hurt her
relationship with you and Mr. Conner.

And I plan to marry Darlene
someday, so if we have to wait

for a little while now,

it's a small price to pay
to be with her forever.

You can't use lines like that and
expect me to think you're not having sex.

Well, we're not.
I swear.

I mean,
we still... pet-

Stop it!

Right now,
you are grounded for two weeks.

One week for
having sex with my daughter,

and another week
for using the word "pet. "

D.J.

What the hell
are you doing up so late?

They made me play Monopoly.

I wanted to go to bed
and get my rest for school.

You haven't been feeding me
a load of the truth, have you?

Yeah, I thought
that's what you'd like.

David, obviously you know
very little about this family.

We have raised three children
without the truth,

and we've managed to do
very well, thank you,

without your consarned,
newfangled ways.

Hey, honey.

David, what are you doing up?

Well, uh...

I heard this noise.

So I came downstairs
to see what it was,

and it was
this huge bird...

that was caught
in the screen door there.

And I got it out,
and then...

he left.

Okay.

See?

Gross, oatmeal!

I want a bear claw.

Well, tough,
we don't have any.

We're eatin' healthy now,
and oatmeal's good for ya.

There's your brown sugar
and your syrup.

Since when did this family
start eating oatmeal?

Well, I'm not having any junk
food in the house at all

when I'm pregnant this time,
'cause I'm hoping

that this one will turn out
to be smarter than the other

K- I-D-S.

Is it too much to ask
that there be a washcloth

in the bathroom
in the morning?

No, it's not too much to ask.
It's too much to do.

D.J., why aren't you
in the car? We're late.

I haven't eaten
my breakfast yet.

There's Tic Tacs
in the armrest. Move!

What's with him?

Oh, he's a great,
big, old sugar addict,

going through withdrawal.

So desperate, I caught him out
licking a beehive in the yard.

Good grief. Why didn't
he just ask for some sugar?

Well, he doesn't know that
that's what's bothering him.

He doesn't?
No. He's a man.

He has no insight into
why he acts the way he acts.

He just
knows he's mad.

You gonna explain
it to him?

Why should I? He's still
taking most of it out on D.J.

Hey.
Where you two going?

I don't have to tell you what
I'm doing. I'm in college now.

Oh, yeah, that's right.
I don't own you anymore.

Where're you two
going, David?

We're gonna go study
in the basement.

Thank you, there'll be a little something
extra in your paycheck this week.

I thought they weren't allowed
alone together in the basement.

Well, they weren't,

but that was before I found out
that they're not having sex.

And it's not like when Mom found
out that we weren't having sex.

It's really true.
Roseanne, it is like

when Mom found out.
What?

I saw their car parked outside
the Green Lantern Motel yesterday.

I saw Darlene going
into one of the rooms.

Was D.J. there
with a Monopoly board?

No.

Damn them!

Why did you have
to tell me this?

Don't get mad at me!
I'm just the messenger.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm sorry.

You like some milk
in your coffee?

You two are having sex.

We are? David,
why didn't you tell me?

I'd have put my book down.

Well, I would expect to be
lied to by you, young lady.

But you! I never
even saw it coming,

with those puppy-dog eyes
and that sad clown hair.

What, did D.J. tell you?

I don't plan
to reveal my source,

but suffice it to say,

that your car was seen
yesterday parked outside

of the Green Lantern Motel.

It was not.
Are you calling Jackie a liar?

I was at a movie
yesterday afternoon.

Don't even start with me.
We take you into this house

and treat you
like one of our own kids,

and then you turn around and treat
us like you're one of our own kids!

Mom, leave him alone.

I was at the motel,
but not with David.

Well, did you save
your ticket stub, you know,

'cause they're good for free
fries at the Dairy Queen.

What are you doing,
meeting strange men at motels?

No, you have it all wrong.

I meet them at the truck stops,
I take them to the motels.

So who're you meeting?

Just this guy
from school, Jimmy.

He came down for a few days and I
met him in his room so we could talk.

Right. Yeah, the advantage
of talking in a motel

is that, what,
you can shower afterwards?

Look, I didn't want David
to find out I was meeting Jimmy.

I was trying
to be considerate.

God, you are just
such a wonderful gal, Darlene.

David is such a lucky fella.

There's nothing wrong
with what I'm doing.

David knows
about Jimmy.

What?

He's known about it
all summer.

And he's fine with it.

Oh, he's fine
with his girlfriend

meeting another guy
in a motel?

Yeah. Cool for me, huh?

No, Darlene,
it isn't cool at all.

It's cruel and heartless.

How can you
be so insensitive

to a tiny, little
wuss like David?

Hey, I'm okay with it,

and so are David and Jimmy.

So why do you have to try
and control my life?

Because, Darlene, I cannot shift
the entire balance of nature

just to please you.

Well, there's nothing
you can do about it.

Oh, there's plenty
I can do about it.

Like what?
Like, no matter what happens,

that Jimmy kid's
not moving in here.

I thought you told me you'd have
that truck finished before noon.

Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan.

I don't think you've quite got the
hang of this civil service thing.

Finish the truck,
then you go to lunch.

But Jackie's coming.

Since the baby, it's hard
for us to have... lunch

as often as we used to.

And if I don't
have... lunch now,

I'm gonna have to wait
till Sunday for lunch.

I tell you what, for once, why
don't you just act like an employee

and do what
the boss tells you.

Guess we won't
be having lunch.

Now now, Jackie.
Dan?

Not now, Jackie.
Dan.

Not now, Jackie.
Dan!

Not now, Jackie.
I know what's bothering you.

Not now, Jackie. Dan,
eat a Ho Ho, would you?

What?

Roseanne won't tell you,
but I will.

You're all testy because you don't
have any sugar in your system.

What are you talking about? I had three
donuts when I come in this morning.

You did? So why are you
being so short with everybody?

I got stuff
on my mind.

Dan, I am your sister-in-law,

and I would like to think
that if I ever had a problem,

that I could come to you.

You can't.

Dan, I just get the feeling
that you wanna talk about it.

Jackie, if I tell you anything,
you're gonna run to Roseanne.

No, that's not true!
No, not if you tell me not to.

I'm gonna
tell you something.

And you're gonna think I'm the worst
person on the face of the planet.

Oh, my God,
you're having an affair.

No, I'm not
having an affair.

Would I be in my office during
lunch if I were having an affair?

You have thought about having
an affair long enough to know

that you would
have to do it during lunch?

I'm not having an affair.

I'm not thinking
about having an affair!

I just...

I'm not- I'm not...

feeling good
about having this baby.

That's it?

Yeah.

My wife is pregnant
with my child,

and I'm having all these doubts.
That's pretty terrible.

Dan, no, it isn't terrible.

Dan, it's perfectly natural
to have doubts.

Not for me.
I've never felt this way before.

Dan! You always
feel this way.

No, I don't.
Yes, you do!

During every single one
of Roseanne's pregnancies,

you always freak out
just like this.

I do?

Yes!

You couldn't sleep
when she was expecting Becky,

you had the chronic
flop-sweat over Darlene,

and you were convinced
that D.J. was a bad idea.

Yeah, well,
that's when he was six.

You're always a wreck
about the pregnancy thing,

and then Roseanne calms you
down, she rubs your head,

and she tells you that
everything's gonna be all right.

Yeah, she does do that,
doesn't she?

So now don't you feel
like everything's gonna be okay?

Yeah.

Hey, thanks, Jackie. You've
actually helped me with my problem.

Did I really?

Did I help you?

So, what helped
you the most?

The part where
I was really forceful,

or the part where I told you
how you always are

when Roseanne is pregnant?

Fred, lunch!

Hey, don't eat
all of that.

I'm saving half
of it for Jimmy.

Okay.

Oh, God, David,
you're so pathetic.

Sit down.

Mrs. Conner, this whole
Darlene and Jimmy thing,

I really am cool with it.

You know, you might not think
that you deserve to have Darlene

all to yourself,
but you do, David.

You're a really great kid.

Mrs. Conner...

I'm willing to do whatever
it takes to hold onto Darlene.

Even if that means

sacrificing my self-respect

and every shred
of manhood I ever had.

Wow.

Does this Jimmy kid
know what he's up against?

Honey, I got all kinds
of good food for the baby.

I got oranges,
I got grapes,

I got raspberries.

You've seen some
of this stuff before,

on the Trix box.

Why are you
in such a good mood?

You're not allowed to have
sugar, so you better be drunk.

Listen.

I've been beating myself up
about something all week,

and I finally realized
that what I need to do

is talk to you.

Yeah? All right.
Well, I'm listening.

Well...

I been real
scared all week.

You know?
About the baby.

I just can't get it out of my head
that what if it's a huge mistake.

And I thought we should...

you know, talk.

Well...

maybe we should have,
you know, talked

before we had,
you know, sex.

No, see, you're getting mad,

and I'm just having my usual
doubts about having a baby.

You know what I'm like.

What do you want me to do about it,
Dan? You want me to get rid of it?

I didn't say that. Oh, man,
this is going all wrong.

Of course it's
going all wrong, Dan.

You're not sure
you wanna have the baby.

I'm not completely sure,

I'm- I'm pretty
sure I want it.

Well, I'm pretty sure
that I'm completely pregnant.

So you better get completely
sure pretty damn quick.

Thanks, hon,
I feel a lot better.

Don't they have an adult
section here or something?

This stuff is for -year-olds
that get knocked up.

What are you in such
a bad mood about?

Well, if you
really must know,

Mike Douglas
is no longer on the air...

Dan hates the baby,

and I suddenly realized
I'll never be a ballerina.

What? Dan said
he hates the baby?

He didn't exactly say that,
but he might as well have.

He comes home yesterday
and starts griping to me

about all these fears
and doubts he's having.

I don't get it. You didn't mind
comforting him every other time.

Well, this time's different.

Why?
I don't know, it just is.

Look at this crap.

I'm gonna wind up
wearing Dan's clothes again.

I don't get it!

What is so horrible
about Dan having a few doubts?

Because, Jackie,

the jerk knew for a whole year
that we were trying to have a baby.

Okay, it's just
a little bit too late

for him to be having
doubts now, isn't it?

And besides,
I'm having them too.

Really? Why?

I'm years old.
I'm already tired.

What if I don't have the energy
to raise this baby right?

Well, you never worried
about raising them right before.

Well, yeah, but I mean,

what if something's
wrong with it?

I mean, 'cause my eggs
are so old.

And then it ends up
with a lifetime of problems

and it's all my fault.

That's just silly. You had
the same worry about D.J.

He is a perfectly
normal -year-old.

He's , Jackie.
We just say he's ,

'cause we're
so damn embarrassed.

Why don't you just
tell Dan that you're worried.

No! I can't be upset
if he's upset too.

He needs me to be all sure,
like I was the other three times.

So I can rub his stupid head and tell
him everything's gonna be all right.

Well, so what if you've
always been the strong one?

You have a right
to have some doubts.

I'm sure Dan
would be very supportive

if you just
give him a chance.

You think so?

Yes! Look how good he was
when your back went out.

And when Dad died.

When you got that
really bad haircut.

Yeah, that was hard
on the whole family.

Yeah. All right.

Maybe I'll
give him a chance.

Thattagirl. Yeah.

And you know,
Roseanne,

one of the magical things
about relationships

is the way that
two people can find strength

in being scared together.

Where did you come up
with that crap?

You said that to me
when I was scared to marry Fred.

Come on, Jackie,
this is serious!

Darlene, there's something
I wanna get off my chest here.

Oh, David, a lot of guys have a third
nipple. That doesn't make you a freak.

It's Jimmy, Darlene.
I wanna talk about Jimmy.

So talk.

What's he look like?

David, come on.
Is he tall?

I don't know.
Average.

Is he taller than me?

Average would be
taller than you, yes.

Are you sleeping with him?

No.

Are you gonna
sleep with him?

I don't-
I don't know, maybe.

When?

David, don't do this.

This is k*lling me, Darlene.

You need to choose.

Oh, come on.

No, I'm serious. I mean, I do
have an ounce of dignity left.

Who's it gonna be,
me or the other guy?

The other guy.

Or me, that's right, choose.

I did.

David, you're so
important to me.

I mean, were were
each other's first love.

But people who don't explore
other relationships

end up becoming my parents.

He can't love you
more than I do.

David, stop.
You know,

if you sleep with him and you
don't like it, I'll take you back.

David, please don't
say anything else nice to me.

You know, this is
hard for me too.

Fine.

I can't believe I wasted
three years of my life with you,

you coldhearted bitch.

Did that make it easier?

Oh, hey.
Hey.

How you doing?
Mmm...

Well, I'm okay, but...

I thought maybe
we should talk.

Good, good.
I think we should too.

Yeah, 'cause there's a lot of
stuff I didn't get to say yesterday.

Honey, we don't
have to argue anymore.

I said a lot of stupid stuff
I didn't mean yesterday.

Of course I'm not
scared about the baby.

Really?
Of course not.

I was completely
out of line.

I mean, we're having a baby.
This is great news.

Oh, that's so sweet, Dan.

I'm so glad
that I'm having your kid,

and not one of them
other guys I'm sleeping with.

Yeah, we're gonna raise
this kid just fine.

Oh, man, you just have no idea
how much this means to me.

Sometimes I need
some support too.

Really? Well, you got it.
I'm there percent.

I'm percent
behind this.

This is gonna be
the best kid yet.

Well, so, what was it
that changed your mind?

Well, you know,

your mind... has thoughts,

and that...

leads to other thoughts
and then you're thinking.

And pretty soon,
you're there and it's great!

You're lying to me.

What do you want me to do?

I'm trying to say
the right thing here.

Well, saying the right thing
doesn't mean anything

if you don't mean it.

Well, I am gonna mean it.
I'm here to support ya.

When you have stuff
to talk about,

we should talk about it.

I mean, especially
if you have doubts.

Do you...

have any,
you know, doubts?

Come here.

Everything's gonna
be fine, Dan.

You really think so?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, you and me
can handle anything,

as long as we just
talk these things through.

Yeah. Yeah, makes
everybody feel better.