10x07 - Go Cubs

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Roseanne, get in here.

What?

You can't just
stand on the front porch

staring at your
Muslim neighbors.

It just so obvious
you're spying on them.

No, it isn't.
I've got a rake.

Holding a rake
and staring is not a cover.

Raking is a cover.

Now come on.

We need
three people

to make this into
a fun coupon club.

Otherwise, we're just
two poor people

trying to save a nickel
on tuna.

Did you see the crazy
amount of fertilizer

they got stacked up
near their garage?

That's how
they make bombs.

What if this is a sleeper cell
full of t*rrorists

getting ready to blow up
our neighborhood?

What proof do you have,
Roseanne?

This proof -- anytime
something bad happens,

it's always somebody who lives
next door to somebody.

Oh, my God,
you figured it out.

t*rrorists are
always neighbors.

So, all we have to do

is arrest everybody!

I'm telling you, this is what
people from Iraq

and Talibanistan do!

They hide out in neighborhoods
like Lanford.

Don't you watch the news?!

You don't mean the news,
you mean Fox News,

and, uh...

there is no Talibanis--
oh, forget it.

Jump in, here,
Anne-Marie.

Oh, because I'm black,
I'm the expert on racism?

Oh, geez,
I am so sorry.

I'm willing to learn
from my mistakes.
Well, good.

So, in that case, if you
just give me the % off

on this cream cheese,
we'll call it even.

If you're so sure
they're not t*rrorists,

go out there and look at
how much fertilizer they've got.

If it makes you shut up
and stop with this, then fine.

That's not that
much fertilizer.
Hold on.

That is, like, a crazy
amount of fertilizer.

But...it doesn't
mean anything.

[ Sighs ] I'm done
talking to you people.

Hi, Chuck.
Oh, hey, Rosie.

Dan, our new neighbors
have way too much fertilizer.

After years
of marriage,

you run out of things
to talk about.

Okay, so neither one of you
are worried about this?

We don't have time.

We're getting ready
for this meeting.

They're probably
just regular folks

who want to make
a home here.

They painted their fence,
they put in a new mailbox.

They have an American flag,
for God's sake.

Oh, Dan, I don't know.

I'm gonna have to go
with Rosie on this one.

It sounds like they're trying
a little too hard.

When I drove
through the South,

I had a Lynyrd Skynyrd
bumper sticker.

Granny Rose!
Grandpa Dan!

Hey.

Oh, that's quite
an outfit, Mary.

Did Daddy let you
dress yourself today?

No.

That's what I figured.
[ Chuck laughing ]

Later,
Oscar de la Renta.

So, is it cool if Mary spends
the night with you tonight?

I have a really early
appointment

at the V.A. tomorrow
in Danville.

You're all mine!

Why are you leaving tonight
if you've got an appointment

in the morning?

'Cause the line will be
all the way down the sidewalk.

A lot of vets
live on the sidewalk,

so they have
an advantage.

Hey, Deej.
Hi, Mary.

Uh, nothing happened to you
in the Army, did it?

You can still
see patterns, right?

Okay,
I almost forgot.

Tonight is Mary's
Skype call with Geena.

It's on Afghanistan time,
so it's : a.m. here.

That's oh-two-hundred.

I don't know how
to do the Skype

or get up at : a.m.

After my nighttime
meds kick in,

I'm legally dead
till : a.m.

Darlene, will you help Mom
with the Skype call?

Oh, sure,
waking Mom at : a.m.

to explain technology's
kind of what I live for.

Okay, thanks.

Okay, now, you be good
tonight for Granny.

Can't you stay here,
too?
I can't, honey.

Hey, you know what
would be super-fun?

An all-girls slumber party
'cause we could put a tent up

in the living room and do
each other's hair and makeup

and watch videos
and make brownies

and tell ghost stories.

That sounds fun.
That sounds horrible.

But what if
I can't sleep?

Well, then, I'll tell you
a bedtime story

about two of
my dear friends,

applesauce and Benadryl.

I loved that story
as a kid.

I can never remember
how it ends.

♪♪

[ Dan and Roseanne laughing ]

"Roseanne" is taped
in front of a live audience.

Me llamo Becky.

What can I get you?

Don't try to pronounce anything,
just point to the pictures.

Okay, but just so you know,
when you get it,

it won't look like that.

Make it two.

Nothing for me.
Thanks.

Check it out, Al.

I got these little
"sign here" stickers for you

so you'll know
just where to sign.

I will need those back,
though.

All you got to do is sign,
give us a deposit check...

And in three months,
your apartments

will have
beautiful drywall

that your renters
can knock holes in
and spackle badly.

The savages.

Uh, listen, Dan, Chuck,

I-I wanted to come here
and tell you in person.

I'm not gonna be
able to go with you
guys on this one.

What's the problem, Al?
My guys are lined up.

We've done a dozen jobs for you.
You've always been happy.

And we work for union minimum.
Nobody's gonna beat that, Al.

Somebody did,
and I can't pass it up.

Beat my bid?

They must be going
non-union.

Oh, Al, you're not
hiring illegals?

Uh, Dan, please say
"undocumented workers"

until our tamales
get out here.

I'm sorry, guys.

Hey, look, uh...

order lunch, put it
on my account, okay?

Uh --
Sorry.

Oh, man!

I'm not really hungry now.

Me either.

But I think we should leave
the waitress a $ tip.

This is some of
my best work.

Done.

Hey, I've got a mustache.

Ha ha ha ha!
I'm Mom.

[ Roseanne and Jackie laugh ]

Hey, Mark, pretend you're still
painting her mustache.

I want to get
a picture.

Do you want me to take the
picture so you can be in it?

No screens!

There's your kid.
Look at him.

A point that
could have been made

without throwing the center
of my life across the room.

Brownies are ready.
Ooh!

Oh, great.
Here's one for you, Mom.

Don't think I won't
eat that later.

So, is it time
to talk to my mom yet?

No yet.
It's only : .

Hey, Aunt Jackie, got
any good ghosted stories?

I love ghost stories.

No, no.
Ghosted stories.

They're a little
different, Mary, but...

they're very scary.

Ooh!

There was this guy.

I went out with him
three times and...

Now I know
that's made up.

I'll tell a good one.

This one is called
"The Last Sleepover."

Once upon a time,
there was a little girl,

and she was having a sleepover
with two of her cousins.

Wow, you really know how
to take us to another place.

Shut up, or you will
be eaten first!

Who's gonna eat her?

The monster that roams
the neighborhood every night,

looking for brownies.

And nobody ever heard
the monster coming.

[ Car door slams ]

Except for
a car door slamming,

and only the little girl
heard it.

I heard it?

And then, the monster came in
the little girl's house...

[ Door opens ]
...and all they heard
was a door creaking.

[ Door hinges creak ]

And then the monster said
what he always says

just before he eats
all the children...

Dan: Hey!

[ All scream ]

Aaah!

Sorry about that.
I stepped on a phone.

Yeah, yeah, that job...
turns out it fell through.

I'll take anything
you got.

And then they went bankrupt
and lost their house.

♪♪

[ Sighs ]
What happened?

I got underbid on Al's job.
He's using illegals.

What?
We needed that money.

It ain't right, Rosie.

Those guys are so desperate,
they'll work for nothing,

and we're getting
screwed in the process.

It's Al that sucks.
He's taking advantage.

All's I know is
we can't pay our bills.

Too late.

I thought the money
was for sure,

so I sent out the checks
a couple of days ago.

I always try to pay the final
"Final Notice" on time.

I hear that's good
for your credit.

Great. Now they're
all gonna bounce.

Not all. I mean, there's
enough money to cover one.

Round and round it goes.

Who gets paid,
nobody knows.

Well,
at least the kids

are getting used to
sleeping in a tent.

We got that
working for us.

♪♪

[ Whispering ]
Roseanne.

[ Snoring ]

Roseanne.
[ Gasps ]

We have a problem.

That's all we
ever have, Jackie.

You got to be
more specific.

We were all set up for Mary
to Skype with her mom,

and then your Wi-Fi cut off,
and she's starting to freak out.

Oh, my God.

That Internet check
must've bounced.

But maybe there's
a good chance

we can show our face
at Sears again.

♪♪

All right, last time
this happened,

we just used
the Gerskis' Wi-Fi.

Oh, that's nice. The neighbors
gave you their password?

No, we figured it out.

It was
StopUsingOurWifi .

There's no
Gerski network on here.

Well, I know.
The Gerskis moved away.

Now the t*rrorists
are living there.

Oh, my God, Mom,
you have no reason to believe

those people
want to hurt you.

They'd have to get
to know you first.

The only signal strong enough
is called Al-Harazi.

That's got to be
their last name.

Or it's an Arabic word that
means "stop using our Wi-Fi."

So, all we have to do
is guess the password.

Try "DeathToAmerica".

This is ridiculous.

Nope.

Okay, "DeathToAmerica ".

Hey, we're in!

Really?

No!
This is ridiculous.

I need to talk to my mom.
It's almost time!

Calm down, baby.
We'll figure it out.

We could be here forever trying
to break into their Wi-Fi.

You have to go over there,
Roseanne,

and politely ask those people
to borrow the password.

Oh, my God, I'm not
gonna go to somebody's house

at : in the morning.

I'm not gonna get
to talk to her,

and my stomach hurts.

Okay, fine.

I'll go and wake up
the enemies of America.

We should bring something.

We can't just go over there
empty-handed.

You're right.

♪♪

[ Doorbell rings ]

Normal
doorbell.

Samir: Who is it?

Uh, it's
Roseanne Conner.

I-I'm your neighbor
from next door.

One moment.

Gimme that.

Nice work, Jackie.

Uh, here's a plant.

Welcome to
the neighborhood.

Um, we know that
this is a crazy time

to wake somebody up,

but, you see,
our Wi-Fi went out,

and we need to make
an emergency Skype call.

And we were just wondering
if you could be so kind

as to, uh,
lend us your password.

Are you drunk?

No, no. That's really
the reason why we came over.

But "drunk" is a good guess
on any other night.

I'm Fatima Al-Harazi,
and this is my husband, Samir.

Oh, I'm sorry.
That was so rude of us.

I'm Jackie,
Roseanne's sister.

I'm a certified
life coach

if you're having
any trouble assimilating.

Not now, Jackie!

Yeah, well, my little
granddaughter, you know,

she needs to talk
to her mother,

and it's a whole other
time zone and everything

'cause her mom's
in Afghanistan.

What does she do
in Afghanistan?

Uh...

She's in the Army.

If you guys have any family
over there, let us know,

and we'll put in a good word
with the drone people.

We're from Yemen.

Oh, good. Yemen's not even
on the travel ban list.

Yes, it is.

Roseanne, why don't you
just bring your granddaughter

over here to Skype.

The signal will be
much stronger.

Over here?

Uh, well,
n-no, we couldn't.

W-We've already imposed
on you enough.

You don't want us
to see the Skype,

so we'll know
where in Afghanistan

her mother is, right?

Because you think we'll
find out her coordinates

and give them to
our !sis friends on Facebook.

[ Both laugh nervously ]

You see, they hate us.

We don't hate you.

We're scared of you.

Yeah, we're scared
of you, too.

Well, we have way more reason
to be scared of you.

How do you explain all that
fertilizer in your yard?

That's because genius
over here doesn't know

every time you click
on the Amazon order button,

you're putting another
-pound bag in the cart!

What's happening?

Kazim, go back to bed.

Everything is fine.

Okay.

Wow, you only
told him once,

and he listened
right away.

I hate to ask how
you discipline him

'cause that looks like
a bulletproof vest.

Yes, it is.

Some people yelled

some pretty terrible things
at us the other day,

and he started
to have nightmares.

Helps him feel safer.

"Go Cubs".

Thank you.

And, uh...

"Yay Yemen".

That's the password --
"Go Cubs".

We're big baseball fans.

Oh, that is so funny
because you should hear

what we were guessing
that your pass--

No.

Well, it's so kind of you,
and we really appreciate it.

Thank you so much.

It's the right
thing to do.

The ignorance of adults
shouldn't punish children.

Hey, son.
Hey, Dad.

: a.m. beer, huh?

Well, it's : a.m. somewhere.
Pass one over.

How was the V.A.?

It's a lot
like Black Friday.

Except instead of waiting
for a cheap TV,

everybody's waiting
for a cheap doctor.
[ Opens beer can ]

They give you
a clean bill of health?

Yeah, it wasn't
just a check-up.

I started
seeing a therapist.

Oh?

You want
to talk about it?

Not really.
Good.

I felt like
a girl asking.

I've just been
going through some stuff

since I got discharged.

Well, that's
probably normal.

That's got to be
confusing,

trying to figure out
what to do next.

No, I knew exactly
what I wanted to do.

I wanted to re-up.
They wouldn't take me.

Really? I didn't think
they turned down anybody.

That was probably better
as a thought than a statement.

Yeah, I told them
I wanted to continue

defending our country,

and they said,
"We're good."

How'd you know
I needed a / th?

Dad, I've been out here watching
you rebuild bikes and drink

since I was .

I'm real good
at both now.

Well, hell, maybe you and I
should restore some bikes,

maybe make a few bucks.

I know I could use it.

What do you say?

Okay.

Maybe you could hand me
the tools for a change.

If you're saying,
"Will I watch you do the work

while I pound brewskis?"

I say, "Welcome to
Conner and Son."

♪♪

Hello.

Oh, hi.

How you doing?

A little tired.
I was up at : .

Sorry about that.

Uh, EBT card.

You can't buy prepared food
with food stamps.

Why not?
It's food.

The government doesn't
want to pay for it because

they think that prepared food
is a "luxury item."

You know how rich people
have yachts and summer homes?

We have
pre-cooked chicken.

[ Cash register beeps ]

That's $ . .

[ Cash registers beeping ]

It says "insufficient funds."
You're $ short.

Um...

I didn't know.

Sorry.

Maybe the American
taxpayers forgot to
fill it up last week.

Excuse me?

I'm an American
taxpayer sometimes.

Put it on my EBT card.

You don't need
to do that.

Well, we're stealing
your cable,

so this probably
makes us even.

Maybe you can help her
carry the groceries

out to her camel, too.

[ Pressing cash register
buttons ]

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, you know
that saying,

"See something,
say something"?

Well, I saw something,

and I'm gonna say something
to your manager.

You are ignorant.

That woman is twice
the person you'll ever be.

And she's dealing
with a lot of stuff

you don't even know about.

So, next time
she comes in the store,

you keep
your damn mouth shut.

She's got enough
fertilizer to turn this place

into a smoking hole
in the ground.

Now, will you take
a coupon from another store?

What's your ,
Geena?

It looks like you're
out there in the
midst of it, huh?

We do that
to mask our location.

It's pretty cool.

[ Clicking ]

I miss you
so much, Mommy.

And I miss my sweet pea.
I think about you every day.

Is there anything else
you want to tell me about?

Granny Rose says we're
stealing the Muslims' Wi-Fi.

[ Chuckles ]
Actually, so am I.

You know, one thing I
always wondered about, Geena.

When you're,
like, over there,

how -- how do you tell

who's dangerous
and who isn't?

The people who answer their
doors are usually okay,

but I'm not living somewhere
as scary as Lanford.

That's what I always
tell Jackie.

♪♪

[ Doorbell rings ]

I'm coming.

[ Ringing continues ]
I'm coming.

What's wrong, Samir?

My wife told me
you lent her $ .

Here.

Did you have to bring it back
at : in the morning?

Oh, yes.

♪♪