10x06 - No Country for Old Women

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Jackie, did you know
Mom sleepwalks?

Oh, that's dangerous.

I heard if you leave
your front door open,

a sleepwalker can wander
right out into traffic.

I'm talking wide open.

But you know what
the weird thing is?

She's actually really nice
when she's sleepwalking.

She asked me how I was doing
and said I had nice skin.

Wow.

Then she woke up and said,
"Where the hell am I,"

and told me
I ruined my children.

Good morning, girls.

Good morning, Mom.
How you doing?

Well, I didn't sleep a wink
with all the noise in this house

and that lumpy old bed that
you've got me sleeping on.

But I grew up in the Depression,
so I'm not a complainer.

Although,
this is worse.

You know, I hear
Jackie's apartment

is nice and quiet.

No. No!

Mom seems
very happy here.

And I know that Roseanne
wants to spend

more time with her...
[ Grinder whirring ]

...[loudly] since she's been
in the home for a while.

[ Whirring continues ]

Don't you think Bev would
be much more comfortable

[loudly] in your
spare bedroom?

[ Loudly ] Mom!
Mom, they're done.

The beans are ground,
Mom!

They're dust!

Would it be rude of me

if I were to take my coffee
in my room?

Go for it.
Absolutely not.

You gotta take her.

No. Not a chance.

Possession is nine tenths
of the law.

It's not the law
when you don't want

the thing that
you possess.

Now, she's only here
because she came here first

after the home
kicked her out.

I hear and respect
your argument.

I believe that I can make
an equally strong case --

I hate her.

I'm older,
so I hated her first.

I don't have any space
for her anyhow.

I had to move Darlene
and her kids into one room.

All right. I give in.

I will take Darlene
and her kids.

No, I like
one of those kids.

Well, it's not fair!

She wasn't supposed
to be a burden.

She had money.

Well, she doesn't
have it anymore.

And the only option is
the county facility,

and that's horrible.

No, I know we can't
send her there.

Those people are suffering
enough already.

We're gonna have
to split her.

Ooh!

Let me split her.

All right.

We each get her
for a week.

Who goes first?

A-ha!

Scissors.
Aah!

I should've knew
you was gonna make a fist --

We were talking
about Mom.

♪♪

[ Dan and Roseanne laughing ]

"Roseanne" is taped
in front of a live audience.

What'cha doing?

Writing a letter
of introduction

for when we drop you
at the foster home.

How much would you say
you eat a week?

Say whatever you have to
to get me in.

I'm doing a drywall job
for one of the neighbors.

How did you learn
to do that?

Did you start doing drywall
right after college?

Well, first I apprenticed with
the great drywallers of Vienna.

What's this?

Plans for a birdhouse.

After I'm done
with the drywall,

he wants me to throw one
together for him.

Can I help?

I'll tell you what --

I'll cut the wood,
draw up some instructions,

and you can put it together
and paint it.

I can do that.

Why do birds need houses
when they have trees?

I'll do you one better,

and this'll bend
your mind.

Why do we cut down trees

to make the wood
for birdhouses?

Whoa.

One day, you'll have
a brownie in college.

It'll make it even better.

♪♪

All right, baby!
Mama needs a new pair of shoes!

I raise.
Save your money, ladies.

Ah, you're not scaring anybody
off with that bubble-gum cigar.

I call.

I fold --
I know she's got an ace

'cause it's got the grape-jelly
stain on it.

Heh. I win.

Hold on, I want to take
a picture for my Instagram.

cents --
Rappers gon' be shook.

Hey, put
that phone down.

You're missing the magic
of the moment here.

I'm not putting mine down.

I'm texting with
this really hot chick

that I met
on a dating app.

We're %
personality match.

Well, we fight a lot,
but I believe the science.

What do two women
even fight about?

"I want to put
the dishes away."

"No, I want to put
the dishes away."

[ Laughs ]

Why do they both want
to do dishes?

David used to offer
to clean the kitchen.

Then he'd ask me how
to clean the kitchen.

Then I would show him
by cleaning the kitchen.

[ Laughs ]
So, really, it's a story
of how stupid I am.

The problem with my lady is,
we're both tops.

Well, I still say
it's got to be easier

to be in a relationship
with a woman than a man.

I bet Dan thinks
the same thing.

Heh, excuse me?

Well, dear, you have to admit,
you're a bit bossy.

You're calling me bossy?

Deal, Harris, deal.
The tops are about to go at it.

Oh, sweetheart,
I'm not bossy.

You just have an adolescent
need to challenge.

Oh, you really have to have
mustard with those.

Ketchup is pure
corn syrup.

That's why I like it.

You'll try it with mustard,
you'll see.

Do not open that
refrigerator, Mom.

I swear to God,
if I even see a light

come on
on that thing...

Like this?

♪♪

Roseanne,
it's : a.m.

It's technically Monday.

You're it.

♪♪

Hi, Mom.

You've been grocery shopping
for seven hours.

What took you?

Long lines.

And then I went to the DMV
and renewed my license early.

I've been meaning
to ask you...

I have been staring
at this thing all day.

What is it?

Oh, that's
my marzipan village.

I made it entirely out
of almond paste

and, uh...working on it
helps relieve anxiety.

It's just a --
just kind of a hobby.

It's not a hobby, dear,
it's a symptom.

All I'm saying is,

if you ever want a man
to take you seriously,

you need to stop doing
things like that.

I have no problem
getting men, Mother.

[ Scoffs ] The trick is
keeping them, dear.

Look at how you've arranged
your furniture.

You have a single chair
in front of the TV

that screams "I don't want
anybody else here."

And yet some people just don't
seem to get the message.

You know what, Mom?
I don't want to do this anymore.

I am a certified
life coach.

We are breaking this pattern
right now.

I love your passion,
but when I hear life coach,

I think it should be someone
who has a life.

You ever see
"The Godfather," Mom?

No, I don't think so.

Buona notte, Mama.

♪♪

[ Sing-song ]
I finished the birdhouse.

Open the curtain.
Let's see what you got.

Is this where birds stay
when they go to Vegas?

The birds only use it
in the summer,

so I made it more open.

But the birds didn't pay me
for this job.

Mr. Nelson did,

and he wanted it to match
his house exactly.

Well, Mr. Nelson also
had his wife

get plastic surgery
to look like his mother.

Mr. Nelson is a freak.

Be that as it may,

if you don't give the customer
what they want,

they go to someone else.

I'm gonna have to do this over
in the morning.

Sorry, Grandpa.

Dad, come on.

I try to encourage him
when he thinks outside the box.

That birdhouse
was amazingly creative.

It was creative.

But this was a job.

I make up songs in the shower.
They're real creative.

But if show up to work
naked and singing,

they don't pay me.

They call the heat.

Look, there are different
kinds of jobs now

where people get rewarded
for being creative.

Elon Musk makes
his own rules.

And the people
who work for Elon Musk

have to follow
those rules.

And if they don't,
I'm sure he has

a real creative way
of firing them.

You know what?

Would you stop
thinking of Mark

as some guy on
an assembly line?

He's different.

He's got more potential
than that.

Meddling mothers.

This is why kids can't get work
in factories anymore.

♪♪

Mom?

How did you move
all my furniture?

You have bones
like meringue.

You know who does this?

A manipulative,
narcissistic psychopath.

Not an insult.

I'm just giving you a heads up
on the eulogy.

Mom?

Oh, crap.

Hi, Roseanne.
Is Mom there?

Uh...no reason.

♪♪

So, those are
the Uber rules, Nick.

Any questions?

Water? Gum?

Oh, no thanks.
I'm fine.

Okay.
One last thing --

I never know
if I'm supposed to tip.

Well, let's see.

I picked you up at your house,
so I know where you live,

so I guess
it's up to you.

Why are you stopping?

[ Brakes squeak ]

Sorry.
Sorry, Roseanne.

Have you heard anything
from Mom?

Driver, excuse me.

There's not supposed to be
any family or friends

in the car
during a ride.

I know where
you live, Nick.

Hey, quick question.
You're a guy.

If you walked into
a woman's house

and she had a chair
in front of the TV

instead of a couch,

would that turn you off?

And keep in mind, this woman is
fantastic in every other way.

I got to get a car.

Look, I'm gonna be straight
with you, Nick.

My sister lost our mom,
and we've got to find her.

[ Cellphone ringing ]

[ Sighs ]

Hello?

It's me, Mom.

I just wanted to tell you that
Grandma's at my apartment.

Oh, thank God.

And you two should be ashamed
of yourselves.

She may not be perfect,
but she raised you.

And she helped us out
when we needed it.

And now I'm gonna do
the same for her

because it's the right thing
to do.

She's going to be
staying with me.

You know she's broke,
right?

What's that?

It doesn't matter.

That's not why
I'm doing this...

anymore.

You know, you're right
about us, Becky.

You're a better person
than we are,

and we're gonna have to live
with the shame of that.

Yep, me too.
Okay, thanks.

Say "hi" to Mom.

Oh!

Ha-ho!

[ Both laugh ]

♪♪

Mark must be
really bummed.

He's been in his room
for hours.

[ Sighs ]

You know...

when I was playing football
in high school --

Eughh.

Let me finish.

State championship --

The couch gives me one job --
stop the running back.

But I got creative
and went for the quarterback.

Running back scampers
by me yards

for the winning touchdown.

I didn't follow
directions.

And that's why
I'm not a pro today.

I thought beer and a bad back
is why you're not a pro today.

And by the way,
didn't you punch your coach?

It's a simple story.

Why do you have
to pick it apart?

Ladies and gentlemen, the moment
you've all been waiting for,

the unveiling of
The Most Boring Birdhouse Ever!

And crowd goes "ehhh."

Yeah, but I think Mr. Nelson's
gonna be very pleased.

And so will
his mother-wife.

I painted flowers and a sun
on the inside

so the birds would think
it was always summer.

I just wanted it to be
a little special.

You know,
the world has a way

of kind of forcing you
to be like everybody else.

The trick is
to find the balance

between playing by the rules
and breaking them.

So it's okay if I --

Unless they're my rules.
Don't test me.

Hey, I'll k*ll you
if you tell her,

but these franks are great
with mustard.

You got to do something
about Grandma!

Well, you made it
half a day.

She's having sex
right now

in my apartment
with a very old man.

It's only : .

Yeah,
they went to dinner,

came right back,
and started doin' it.

You got to get her
out of there right now.

I am living here
and eating your food

until you do.

Fine.
Let's go, Jackie.

Well, what are we gonna do
when we get there,

just charge in
and break it up?

No, we'll go in
and yell "fire,"

and they should be
out of the room,

minutes to an hour,
tops.

♪♪

Mom, it's us.

Bev: Of course it is.
Come in!

Hi, Mom.

Girls, this is
my boyfriend, Lou.

Who treats me
like a queen.

Lou, these are my daughters,
Roseanne and Jackie.

They treat me like
a fly in the potato salad.

Nice to meet you.
Pleasure.

Those are
your daughters?

I would've mistaken them
for your sisters.

Uncalled for, Lou.

Uh, Mom, Becky says you guys
got to go right now.

You don't need to put up
with this kind of disrespect.

Beverly, let's just get
in the car and drive.

All we need
is a car.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, we'll just go.

I'm going to need some help
with Lou's socks.

He can't bend that far,
and my arthritis is k*lling me.

Jackie, help your mo--
I'm not touching his feet.

Okay, sit, Lou.

I need
my compression socks.

They force the blood
to my heart.

Point your toes, Lou.

If I could feel 'em,
I'd point 'em.

All right.

I'm gonna take Lou back
to the home.

And Jackie's gonna help you
pack up all your stuff.

Fine, but you two have
to make a decision

about who is going
to be stuck with me.

I can't be dragging
my belongings

from one house
to the other.

It's too hard.

Lou, could you wait
for Roseanne downstairs?

I need a minute.

It's two flights.

You got some time.

Okay,
what are we gonna do?

I don't want her,
and you don't want her.

There's only one solution.
You have to take her.

No, Roseanne,
come on.

You know she picks me apart
way more than she does you.

So what do we do --

take her to
the county facility

where people die
in the hallways?

Well, we can go visit it
before we make any decisions.

Well, we got to figure
something out.

I'm gonna get going,
'cause I'm sure

Lou has tumbled down
to the bottom stair by now.

Mom, what are you doing?
We're getting ready to go.

You won't be happy
until I'm gone,

so this is for you.

Oh, come on.

You know you've just been
standing by that window,

waiting for me to come in

so you can manipulate me
and make me feel bad.

Do you know why
I left last night?

I watched "The Godfather"
after you went to bed.

That man k*lled
his brother.

No, he did not.

He had someone else do it,

and I don't have
that kind of money.

Look, Mom!

I was just upset.

Upset enough to put me
in a county facility

where people die
in the hallways?

When is your hearing
gonna go bad?

I knew you girls
didn't like me,

but I didn't think
you hated me so much

you would throw me
in the garbage.

Mom, this is crazy.
You're not gonna do this.

You don't think so?
Dare me.

No.
Dare me!

No!
Dare me!

I want it to be over!
No, Mom, stop.

Mom! Mom! Don't!
You're freaking me out!

I love you!
I don't want you to die!

Get in here,
you crazy old woman.

[ Sighs ]

[ Huffs ]

Why did you stop me?

Because my life would
be better without you,

but it would be so much better
if it was better with you.

Well, I guess
that's up to you.

Well, you're right.
I guess it is.

I just keep asking you

for something
that you can't give me.

And I'm gonna have to work
on that if we're...

if you're gonna
live with me.

[ Sighs ]

I'm gonna live
with you?

[ Strained ]
Yeah, you are.

What's gonna happen when
we start fighting again?

How are we going
to avoid that?

Well, that's obvious.
I'm . You're .

We go through about
years of therapy.

Well, I may die
before that.

Well, then I win.

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

I got to ask.

Would you let your mom move
into the county home?

Well, thank God it didn't
come to that, Dan.

I'm not really sure.

We certainly don't want
to give the kids any ideas.

[ Groans ]

You're so transparent.

No, this is
pure love here.

You're taking one
for the team,

and I am never
gonna forget it.

Well, you were right.

I couldn't let go of
needing Mom's approval,

and that's something that
I'm gonna have to work on

if we're gonna have
a relationship.

But I think it was
the right thing to do, right?

Yeah. Good girl, Jackie.

Thank you.

And I promise,

I'm gonna take her
off your hands

at least once a month
to give you a break.

Great, she likes
to go to the park

and criticize
the children.

[ Fake crying ]

There are no words
to express the love

that I feel for you
in this moment.

It's okay, Dan.

No, no.

You saved our lives.

This is from Peterson
Heating and Air.

They'd want you
to have it.

Thank you.

The therapist
gave us a list

of "trigger words"
for me and Mom,

so I'll use this to hang it
on the fridge.

What kind of words are
we talking about?

"Hi," "hello" --

There's quite a few that
get us into trouble.

♪♪