10x05 - Darlene v. David

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

[ Loudly ] Man, we are
so lucky that ShopMore

lets us scan
our own groceries.

Now we can shop
without the hassle

of anybody
helping us at all!

[ Beep ]

[ Beep ]

Beep!

Mom, that didn't
go through.

I heard it beep.

Oh, my God.
You're stealing that.

No. They're making me
work as a checkout lady,

and my starting salary
is bacon.

Excuse me. This young lady
just smashed the lids

on all these cakes
in the bakery section.

-Did you do that?
-No.

Security camera
caught you.

Well, then,
say that first. Yes.

I'm sorry.
I'll pay for these.

Harris, why don't you
just go wait outside?

[ Cellphone dings ]

Oh, damn it. It's David.

That's why she
smashed the cakes.

Here.
Get a summer beach body.

What's going on?

He just texted to say
he's coming tomorrow

for Harris'
birthday party.

He must have already
texted her.

Well, she should be happy
to see her father.

Yeah, sure, if he
actually shows up.

And he only showed up like
three times in Chicago.

And the anxiety of whether
he's gonna be here or not

really messes
with her head.

I just have a feeling

that Harris isn't gonna be
disappointed this year.

I think David
is gonna show up.

Why would you think that?

Psh. No reason.

Oh, my God.

You're in touch with David
behind my back.

That is so wrong!

Well, David's
kinda like my son

and you're kinda
like my daughter,

so of course
I'm involved.

I don't want him knowing
everything about my life.

All's I told him is
that you lost your job,

you haven't met anybody,
and sometimes you're depressed.

Here.
I'll buy those cakes.

Hit it, Mary.

Beep!

♪♪

[ Dan and Roseanne laughing ]

"Roseanne" is taped
in front of a live audience.

I talked to Harris.
She's doing better.

Wow. I didn't realize
she messed 'em up that bad.

Well, it's not
all Harris.

You know, I needed to see
what was inside some of them.

Uh, I almost wasted my time
fixing up a carrot cake.

I'm sorry I yelled at you
at the market.

This is just
really hard for me.

I know.

You know, David's made
a lot of mistakes,

but he's still
a good person.

And I want my grandkids
to have a father.

You think I don't want that?
I don't even like kids.

He's the only person I ever
wanted to replicate with.

Have you told him that?

'Cause talk like that
drives men wild.

How can you defend him?

He's been running around
the world building houses

for poor people in
third-world countries.

Does that sound like
a good person to you?

Okay. All right. Fine.
But he's a bad person, too.

David can't just walk in here
like everything's fine now.

Oh, he can walk in here.

Just won't be able
to walk out.

You can't keep him
from seeing his kids, Dan.

He's their father.

Well, if he acted like it,
he'd be welcome here.

There is no reason to
ever leave your family.

You may think about it,
you may dream about it...

...you may gas up your bike
and make sandwiches...

but you don't ever do it.

So that's what you did
that day!

I knew there was no
"drywall convention."

I've said too much.

[ Doorbell rings ]
Jackie: I got it!

Hello, Jackie.
You look tired.

Nice outfit. I see you're trying
it without the sickle.

Hey, Roseanne!

Looks like that "putting Mom
in a home" thing didn't stick!

Mom, what are you doing here?
What's with the suitcases?

The retirement home
asked me to leave.

Why? Did they figure out
you're never gonna die?

What did you do?

Nothing but live my life.

I watch TV, I play cards,
I have an occasional drink,

but apparently at my age

I am not supposed to enjoy
a healthy sex life.

With multiple partners in
multiple parts of the facility.

Oh, my God.

What? I had sex. Is that
so difficult to imagine?

Not anymore. Now it's hard
to stop imagining.

They said I can go back
if I write a letter of apology,

and I am not ready
to do that.

Now, if you don't mind,
I need to get some sleep.

I bet you do.

[ Knocking on glass ]

What the hell are you
doing out there?

I told you I was coming.
I need to talk to you.

Give me one good reason
why I should let you in.

'Cause I'm gonna fall.

Please. I'm vegan now.
I have no upper-arm strength.

Why are you coming
in the window, anyway?

-Does your dad still live here?
-Yeah?

That's why I'm coming in
through the window.

-Are you okay?
-Yeah.

Yeah, I just need to
put my hands on my knees

and breathe hard
for a second.

Oh, wow.

Aww. Heh.

They kept everything
exactly the same as it was

when you guys were kids.

Oh, yeah, it's a decorating
choice called "poverty."

So what'd you want
to talk about?

Something I think
you'll be happy to hear.

Yeah, I've heard
it before, David --

you miss me, you want
to get back together,

then as soon
as things get real,

you run back to
Deadbeats Without Borders.

Not this time.

I just, uh --
I just signed a lease.

I'm moving back
to Lanford. See?

I realized it's not too late
to fix things.

Wow.

It's over on Fourth.

That's so nice.
It's right by Mark's school.

Mm-hmm. I met someone.

You met someone?
How'd you meet someone?

Uh, I was somewhere,
and she was there, too.

It's not that unusual
really.

Her name's Blue, and I've
learned so much from her.

Wait. So we're just gonna blow
right past the whole Blue thing?

I was hoping to, yeah.

She's made me see
so many things.

I-I realized
I was in denial.

I thought Harris and Mark
were better off without me.

And then I realized
how unfair it is, to you,

not to give you a divorce
so you can have some closure.

[ Scoffs ] Okay.
So let me get this straight.

While I have been
picking up kids' clothes,

dealing with meltdowns,
cleaning up vomit,

you're dating a crayon?!

[ Sniffles ]

I know. I'm sorry.
But she's really good for me.

And t-that's just gonna make me
be better for you and the kids.

So how serious
is this thing?

Mm. Blue says she won't
merge our spiritual paths

until you and I
sign divorce papers.

Okay, so, what if I
don't want a divorce?

Why wouldn't you?
We both hate me.

I-I don't know how
I feel about you, David.

You come in here, you throw
all this stuff at me...

I thought
you would want this.

I didn't mean
to stress you out.

Now I'm stressed out.

Okay, now I'm stressed out
and turned on.

What am I
gonna tell Blue?

Tell her she's got
a stupid name.

♪♪

What are you doing?

Studying your face.

Why?

You look like my kids.

That's weird.
You look like mine.

You know you're gonna
have to talk to Blue.

I know.

And you're really done running
around saving the world?

You got that
out of your system?

[ Exhales sharply ]
I got dysentery in Angola.

That gets everything
out of your system.

[ Chuckles ]

You know,
when I left you and the kids,

I rationalized that it was okay
because I was helping people.

The truth is, I left
because my brother died

and I was overwhelmed
with all the responsibility

and I -- I just ran.

And once I was out there,
I was ashamed, and I-I --

Frankly, I didn't expect for you
to let me talk this long, so...

[ Clears throat ]

Well, you were finally
being honest with yourself,

so I didn't want
to spook ya.

[ Laughs ]

Oh. Yeah. You got to go.
My dad will be up by now.

I'll call you
after I talk to him

if it's safe
to come back over.

No. You know what?
She's my daughter.

I'm coming to her party
no matter what.

[ Chuckles ] David, it's really
cute when you assert yourself,

but let me just
prepare my dad for this.

Cute? Come on. Don't...

Why do you always have to
belittle me like that?

I'm a grown man.

Okay. God.
Don't be so sensitive.

Don't tell me
what not to be.

Fine. Then do be
less sensitive.

[ Scoffs ] All right.
How about this?

You be less controlling,
and I'll be less sensitive.

You know what?
Let's not do this.

I'm sorry.

I-It's okay.

You haven't been around me.
I'm a different person now.

Other than your father,
I'm not so easily intimidated.

You know what they
called me in Guatemala?

I don't know either
'cause it was in Spanish,

but they said it with
incredible respect.

Okay, hotshot,
but if my dad finds you,

they're gonna call me
"El Widow Blanco."

I told you,
I don't speak Spanish.

♪♪

It's so great hanging out
with you girls.

I missed this.

Us too. You know what
we should do, Roseanne?

Um, we should have you
visit Mom more often

when she goes back
to the home.

Well, uh... [Chuckles]

I suppose this is as good a time
as any to break the bad news.

Make it short, but painful,
and not hereditary.

I can't go back
to the home.

I'm gonna have to stay here
with you girls.

Painful for her!

For her!

What are you
talking about, Mom?

You said you could go back
if you apologized.

Actually, that's not
the whole truth.

Uh, they said that I am
"a danger to others."

I gave a couple of the men
a little gonorrhea.

Well, I think this
is for the better.

I was starting to feel that
you had forgotten me entirely.

No, Mom, I haven't
forgotten you.

There's just been
so much going on,

with Darlene moving back in
and her kids.

And you?

[ Exhales sharply ] You really
want to get into it?

Hey. Is Dad home yet?

No, he went to pick up some
pain pills for my knee.

When's that situation
gonna change?

Uh, as soon as one of you girls
marries an orthopedic surgeon.

Or a drug dealer.

I know where
the smart money is.

Well, it's gonna
have to be Becky.

Because, uh, David
stopped by last night.

We hung out and we talked,

and I think we're
gonna work things out.

Oh, my God!
You slept with him?!

It's one thing for Grandma

to be having sex with some
veiny-legged old guy.

But you and your husband?
That's disgusting!

I need a Bloody Mary.

Why would you do that?

Uh, what do you mean?

Try to get back together
with David.

What are you talking about?
You said he was a good person.

I said I should
give him another chance.

Yeah, I meant as a father,
not as a husband.

You guys are a disaster
as a couple.

It's like Dr. Jekyll
and Mr. Hyde.

And David.

He's different now.
He's totally self-aware.

He realized the only reason
he left the first time around

was because he couldn't handle
the pressures of fatherhood.

That's not why he left.

He left because you guys
were fighting all the time,

and that's what
he couldn't handle.

What?
You don't know that.

I do know.

He told me.

Look. [ Scoffs ]

I think I know a little bit more
about this than you do.

[ Sighs ] Okay. Fine.

You're gonna do what
you're gonna do.

You know, I'm just trying to
help you have a happy life,

you know, so you
don't get so...blue.

If you need me,

I'm gonna be in the driveway
waiting for my pain pills.

That's not
a Bloody Mary.

They have vodka, but they don't
have tomato juice or Tabasco.

I'm just calling this
a Mary.

[ Can opens ]
Cheers.

Mom's trying to
blow up me and David.

She's telling me there's no way
our relationship can work.

Look. I love David.

But you guys have been
going at this for years.

It's like that ham radio Dad
tinkers with in the garage.

If it was gonna work,
it would've worked by now.

Dad just got that radio
working.

He's got a friend in Duluth
that's .

Fine, fine. You know what?

Then just keep
tinkering, Darlene.

Oh, what, so now I'm supposed to
take advice from you, Becky?

No. Take advice from you.

Position, feel thyself.

None of those words
are right.

And I don't know what
you're talking about.

You told me I never moved on
after Mark died.

End the misery.

Grieve and get on
with your life.

Your words.

David didn't die.

Yeah, but your
marriage did.

Thanks to your advice, I'm
getting ready for a second date

with a really nice guy
tonight.

Doesn't smoke.
He's not married,

Has all his own teeth.

If you're so happy, how come
you're drinking before the date?

Because I have
a drinking problem.

Dad?

Wow. You came.

Hey.

Did the world
run out of poor people?

No, it's worse
than it's ever been.

Uh, happy birthday.
I-I brought you something.

It's a T-shirt.

"Love One An' Otter."
Cute.

I-It's from an aquarium
in -- in Costa Rica.

'Cause I know you love animals
and you wear T-shirts.

Uh, so, good news.

Uh, I'm moving to Lanford.

Your mom and I,
we're...we're good.

So I-I'm gonna be here
all the time.

Great. You have enough guilt
to buy me some weed?

No. No.
[ Chuckles nervously ]

I have enough guilt
to buy you...ice cream.

[ Chuckles ] Baby steps.

Come on in.
We've got a lot of cake.

I told you to wait
for my call.

Oh, uh, sorry.
I just -- I got excited.

So, let's go give everyone
the good news.

I don't think your dad will
k*ll me in front of the kids.

David.
There's no good news.

What do you mean?

It's just not gonna work.

Sure it is.
We worked last night.

First of all, I remember
doing most of the work.

The truth is,
we're delusional

if we think we can
make each other happy.

We're gonna fight,
you're gonna run,

and we're gonna
break the kids' hearts.

We talked.

We know what went wrong.
We belong together.

You're the first person I loved,
and I still love you.

I love you, too, you know,
and if it was just us,

I swear I would keep doing
this over and over again,

even if it never worked.

But it's not just us.

You okay?

I'm fine.

Hello, David.

Hey, Dan. Mr. Conner. Sir.
Hi. H-H-How are you doing?

I've been better. I hear
you're moving back to Lanford.

Yeah.
I got a place.

I'll be back permanently
in two weeks.

Great. Then that's when
you'll see the kids.

Questions? Comments?

No, sir.

You always were
a smart boy.

So...

what now?

You're gonna do what
you came here to do.

You're gonna be
a great father.

You can do that, right?

Yeah, I can.

Good.

Mark's got a parent-teacher
night in a month.

So you be there.

Okay.

What's Mark like?

He's, uh, really artistic,

very sweet, like you.

And he likes to wear dresses.
So now you're all caught up.

[ Door closes ]

[ Door opens ]

You goin'?

Didn't go so well.

It could've gone
a lot worse.

Luckily we're a very
forgiving family.

No, you're not.
[ Chuckles ]

Well, I guess you're gonna
have to forgive us for that.

Don't worry. I am gonna
do the right thing.

You better,
'cause if you don't,

there's not gonna be anybody
left in this house

to be on your side.

I know you're
a quality person, David.

I want you
to prove me right.

I will. Thank you.

-David?
-Yes, Mrs. Conner?

Tuck in your shirt there.
You're not anymore.

The rules are simple --
Hands behind your backs,

first one to finish
their cake wins.

Okay, if I go into
diabetic shock,

I want you to get my insulin pen
and then -- you know, quick --

and then point me
back to my cake.

And...go!

This is the most disgusting
thing I've ever seen.

Really?
My guess it's not.