10x04 - Eggs Over, Not Easy

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Hellooo.

Who wants to meet
Armani?

Aww, he's cute.

Oh, you already had
the baby.

This is
your Aunt Darlene.

Don't you want
to pet him?

I can't.
I'm allergic.
Oh, no,
you're not allergic.

Mom just said that
'cause she didn't want
a dog in the house.

I could've had a dog?

Yeah, you could've had
seafood, too.

It's just expensive.

Damn it!

I love dogs!

So, a dog. Why?

Because today I'm going to
Andrea's fancy fertility doctor,

and he's gonna give us
a calendar

for my embryo transfer,

and then
I'm gonna have a baby,

and then
I'm gonna get $ , ,

and then I'm gonna get
a house with a yard,

and since
I'm getting a yard,

I can finally get a dog
like I always dreamed of.

Oh, okay.

So you did
the last part first.

Well, you've inspired me.

I'm gonna go
dive into a swimming pool

and then
fill it with water.

You are
so damn negative!

It serves you right

that while
I'm in my nice, new house

with my nice, new dog,

you'll be living here
in this Mongolian cockfight

that's our
childhood home.

Anyway, want to be
my Lamaze coach?

Oh, yeah,
Lamaze classes --

I'd go to those just for
the movie they show you.

It's like "Carrie",

but after the bucket of blood,
they hit her with a baby.

[ Door closes ]

[ Whimpering ]

No, I am not giving
any more money

to your organization.

And stop with
those sad commercials.

I cannot enjoy my snacks!

Mom got caught
eating candy

out of the bulk bins
at the grocery store...

not a good time.

[ Chuckles ]

This is my new dog,
Armani.

We were just leaving
to go to Andrea's doctor.

What are you
telling me for?

You know how I feel
about this.

I'm a little nervous.

I was hoping
you might wish me luck.

You're gonna need it.

Conner babies
have huge heads.

You had an uncle
who never even got out.

His legs just eventually
grew long enough

to touch the ground.

Will you stop it?

You're not gonna
scare me out of this.

Well, you're
too damn bone-headed

to listen to reason.

What if this is
the one baby you can have?

You've just not
thinking this through.

I don't want a baby.
I have a dog.

You know what?

I'm not
coming over here again.

Can you believe that?

And she
was the smart one.

You know what?

Even as an adult,
I can't hear that enough.

♪♪

[ Dan and Roseanne laughing ]

"Roseanne" was taped in front
of a live studio audience.

Okay, we're almost done

with the medical-history
sections.

So, next question is --

Hep-C, Hep-B,
HIV, STDs?

No, no, no, and...

[knocks on wood]
...not anymore.

Uh, terminated
pregnancies?

Zero.

Oh, come on!

Aunt Jackie!

I just know that
you were "popular,"

like I was,
so I assumed...

Okay.

[ Breathing heavily ]
Hey, ladies!

Sorry, I was at
the hormone specialist.

He says I'm gonna
have no problem

producing my own
breast milk.

I have
very porous nipples.

Lucky!

So, before we go in,

I have
a small gift for you.

It's just
a little "thank you"

for the gift
that you're giving me.

Aww.

It's a bedazzled egg.

That's not
just an egg.

That is
really expensive.

That's
a "Fuh-berj" egg.

It's -- uh, it's Fabergé.

And what'd I say?

Thank you.

Becky Conner-Healy?

Here we go,
team!

Here we go!
Alright.

Let's get in there
and put the "us" in "uterus".

♪♪

I don't hear
the pitter-patter
of little feet.

Where are
the loud, small things?

Oh, it's really funny.

One of the mothers

mentioned an indoor water park
in passing

and so I shoved Mark
into her van

as they were
rolling away.

What about Harris?

I know
where one of them is.

Why don't you give me
a break?

Hey.
Where are you going?

You know what?
Just because I live here

does not mean
you have the right

to ask what
I'm doing or where I'm going.

I'll go wherever I want
and do whatever I want.

Okay.

But seriously,
where are you going?

Alright, fine.

I got a job interview
at Build-A-Bear.

I-I guess it's between me
and some high-school kid.

Fingers crossed.

[ Door closes ]

[ Whispering ]
Hey, Dan.

Did you know
you can go on the Internet

and get anybody's address
and also their phone number?

No, but I know
if you're looking for work,

don't click on
FantasyPositions.com.

There's people working,
alright,

but it ain't a job site.

Whom are you stalking,
my pet?

That Andrea person.

She's not getting
a Conner baby.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna go tell her
that Becky is years old.

And once Andrea finds out
that she lied,

that'll shut
the whole thing down.

No, you're not.

Look...[sighs]

...neither of us
wants this to happen,

but she's a grown woman
and she's made it clear --

we don't have anything
to give her,

so we shouldn't be
standing in her way.

Oh, so what?
Now you're on her side?

Did you see
the look in her eyes

when she thought
she had the money

for some kind of future?

We got no right
to tell her she
can't take $ , .

I'm not
gonna tell her.

That's why
I'm going to see Andrea.

No, you're not!

You're gonna stop
interfering with Becky,

and you're gonna
do it now!

Okay.

[ Chair slides ]

What do you want
for lunch?

Something that was
prepared, cooked,

and sealed
at another location.

I don't care, honey.

Something quick
you can microwave.

I can do that.

Ding!

♪♪

Okay.

Usually,
the next step

is to start
monitoring your cycle

to see when you need to take
the hormone sh*ts

so we can move
toward fertilization...

I can't wait.

...but here's
what I found --

her eggs
aren't acting their age.

Not acting their age
in a good way, like...

like Cher?

The eggs
are poor quality.

You may be ,

but you have the eggs
of a much older woman.

What does that mean?

I can still have a baby,
right?

Even with interventions,

I'd say you have
less than a % chance

of ever getting pregnant.

I know you've both
been looking forward to this.

I'm sorry.

I'll give you all
a minute.

[ Door opens, closes ]

Look, Becky, I really appreciate
everything you've done.

It's just...

I'm not
getting any younger.
Sure.

Well, I guess there's really
nothing else left to say.

Yeah.

I think we're just gonna
sit here for a moment,

kind of
take all this in.

Mm.

I understand.
Please.

I guess
we just walk away

with the things we brought
into the relationship.

But there's also
things we've given each other

that remain with us
forever.

Okay, look,
I feel terrible,

but I really have
to have the egg back.

It's too soon.
She'll send it to you.

No, here.
It doesn't matter anyway.

Ahhhhhh.

[ Sighs ]

Good luck with
everything, Becky.

Yeah, yeah, you too.

Oh, Becky.

I am so sorry.
[ Door opens, closes ]

You alright?

I don't know.

I think
I need a minute.

Yes. Take all the time
you need.

♪♪

Okay, um, you're gonna
be mad at me.

I took Becky to
the fertility doctor today.

But it's okay. She's not
going through with it anymore.

Really?

Thank God.
How'd you talk her out of it?

I didn't. The doctor
said the odds of her
getting pregnant

are slim to none.

Fantastic. How'd you get him
to say that?

No.

Roseanne, it's for real.

Her eggs are too old.

So you mean she can never
have a baby?

Ah, damn.

[ Door opens ]
Becky: Hello?

I'm only here
to pick up my laundry.

[ Door closes ]
Let her tell you,
Roseanne, okay?

Hey, Becky.

Jackie told us
everything.

Aunt Jackie!

Roseanne!

We are not
discussing this.

You don't know
what I'm gonna say.

Becky: Yes, I do.

You're gonna tell me
how happy you are about this.

I'm happy that you're
not giving a baby away,

if that's what you mean,
but that's not what I --

And then you're gonna tell me
how wrong I was

and how I lied
and it blew up in my face.

I'm getting punished
enough, Mother.

I'm not
getting the house,

so I have to take Armani
back to the rescue.

God knows what's
gonna happen to him.

Can you just
let me talk?
And you're just --

No! I know what
you're gonna say.

"Becky made another
stupid decision.

Mom was right.
Mom's always right".

Becky, let your mom talk.

No. She said plenty.

Now you're getting
all riled up

and you're
not even listening.

Well, now you know how I feel
about you all the time.

I've learned
in most fights,

people just
aren't clear enough --

You are
a selfish, old woman!

Okay, good.
That's...

You don't know what it
was like sitting there,

hearing what they said.

[ Voice breaking ]
You weren't there.

You don't
care about me.

I do care!

That's why I wanted you
to keep that baby

so you could experience
all the joys of motherhood

that I'm feeling
right now.

And we still
have stuff to talk about.

Oh, look, you're finally
wrong about something.

Becky!

Damn it!

[ Door closes ]
She'll come around,
Roseanne.

It's been a bad day.

[ Softly ]
Yeah.

And I made it worse.

I need you to go back
to that rescue place

and get Becky's dog back.

It's the least
I can do.

Why can't you go?

I have an Uber run!

She can't keep it
at her apartment.

I know. That's why you need
to keep it at your place

so she can
take it later.

I'm getting a dog?!

♪♪

Hey.

Hey, Jackie,
look what I found.

It's a leash
for Armani.

DJ used to use it

when he took his blanket
out for a walk.

They'd rather put Armani down
than let me love him.

They said that I wasn't fit
to rescue him.

What? Why would
they say that?

You're the perfect match.

You have no one to love
and no one to love you.

Right?

And then they said
I was too old

and I should get
a senior dog

so he wouldn't have to
go through the trauma

of grieving my death.

[ Sighs ]

Are they still open?

Yeah.

Let's go.

[ Sighs ] I just got
a text from Becky.

Where is she?

She's at work.
She told me what happened.

And according to the text,
she's "wasted as duck."

I'm gonna head over there.
Where are you guys going?

To that
stupid rescue place.

We're getting
Becky's dog back.

I was gonna keep him
for Becky,

and they rejected me.

Why? You'd be perfect.
You're so lonely.

You got so much free time
on your hands.

Your house is empty.

Sometimes you don't
talk to people for days --

Don't bother,
Darlene!

I already
comforted her.

Hey, girl. Mind if I sit down
and catch up to you?

Mm. Emilio, a margarita
and three sh*ts of Cuervo.

Oh, good. I was worried
I didn't have plans tomorrow,

and now I know I'll be
projectile vomiting.

Well, I'll be working
here tomorrow

and the rest
of my life,

listening to white people
order "fah-jee-tas".

Let me
give you some advice

from a -year-old woman
with two kids

who still lives
at her parents' house,

that was
just told this afternoon

she's not
"Build-A-Bear" material.

I have a better idea.

Put one of these
in your mouth.

Goodbye, Wednesday.

[ Shot glasses clink ]

Ugh. The Conner sisters
are failing!

How did we get here?

How about this?

You tell me
what's wrong with me

and I'll tell you
what's wrong with you.

That's a terrible idea.

Okay, my turn.

You still act
like you're in your s.

You go out and get "lit".

You've shopped at Forever
for at least two s.

Oh, and you take
bathroom selfies.

Ooh! Let's take one.

I can put whiskers
on you and make you
look like a cat.

Ready...

Now your drink
looks like a cat.

Aww,
it's a Meow-garita.

Holy crap,
we're different.

♪♪

Hello?
You're still open, right?

[ Sighs ]

Excuse me, ma'am.

I don't know
what your problem is,

but this woman would be
a damn good owner for that dog.

And it's not fair
that you just took it away.

Like I said earlier,

we have rules
to protect the dog.

What if
your sister dies?

I'll be sad,
but I'll move on.

We have nothing else
to talk about here.

Come on!

This woman wants a dog,

and that dog
needs a home.

How hard is that
for you to figure out?

I'm sorry,
but there are restrictions

on who can get a dog.

[ Scoffs ]
Let's just go, Roseanne.

Fine.

Wait.
[ Sighs ]

Can you just let
this sad, old biddy...

...say goodbye
one last time

to the only thing
that's shown her affection

in a decade?

Only if you promise
you'll leave.

We'll leave.

We're going to
a real pet store,

where you can
buy a dog

and do whatever you want
with it!

Okay, you have
one minute.

Oh, there you are,
baby boy!

Oh, there you are,
baby!

Ooh!

Go, Jackie.

What?
[ With clenched teeth ]
We're taking the dog.

Go!

Hey, hey, hey!
Do -- Do not take that dog.

I will call the police.

Do you have any idea
who you're talking to?

That is
Officer Jacqueline Harris

of the Lanford PD.

So go ahead
and call the cops

and tell them
their sister in blue

is saving a puppy!

Run, Jackie!

♪♪

Alright, so how else
did I screw up my life?

Bring it.

Alright, hold on.

There's a lot here
to pick from.

I feel if I start with
you "dating your teachers",

I'm giving short shrift
to the tube-top years.

Although I do believe
the two are connected.

My life wasn't supposed to
turn out like this.

Mark and I
were gonna have kids.

What?

Yeah. We were trying.
Like all the time.

Oh, wow, Becky.
I didn't know that.

I just assumed
you never wanted kids

'cause you never had any.

No, I just never
met anyone after

who I wanted to
have them with.

You never meet anybody,

or you never try
to meet anybody?

No, I just never
met anybody as good.

I have high standards.

Really?

How many people
that work here

have you had
a one-night stand with?

Geez,
you sound like my manager.

So what
if I have a little fun?

I'm young.

Mm.

You're like
a young old person.

Or like
an old young person.

You know, you're kind of --
kind of stuck in the middle.

I-I don't know
if you can see yourself

frozen in the same place
since Mark died,

but everybody else can.

You know, Becky...

it's not betraying Mark
to move on.

[ Cellphone dings ]

Oh, the Uber
is here.

Should I cancel it?

No, [Sighs]
I should stop.

Roseanne: Hey,
your driver's here.

You don't look like
Allen in a Chevy Sonic.

I know.
He called me.

We have a deal --

he doesn't
pick up my kids,

and I don't pick up
his "drunk whore of a wife".

His words, not mine.

I need to sit.

Give your mom
a chance.

Darlene, let's go
pick out a song.

We haven't danced
in like forever.

That's because
it's creepy.

I'm trying to give
your mother and your
sister some space.

[ With clenched teeth ]
Just do it.

Well, I have
a couple of things

I want to say --
Mom, I can't right now.

Sometimes,
I'm a selfish, old woman.

Okay, I can.

I get real stubborn
about what I want

and I forget that
there are other people,

and apparently
they want stuff, too.

But the point is,

I-I should've gone
to the doctor with you.

I should've
been there for you.

[ Voice breaking ]
Thanks, but it wouldn't
have changed anything.

I can't have kids.

You said
you didn't want kids.

I thought
I had more time.

Well, maybe
the doctor's wrong.

I had a kid in my s.

It usually happens
when you least expect it

and when you're least
prepared for it.

That happened to me
every single time.

Well, one of you
I wanted.

Which one?

You.

Oh, I've got something
I want to show you.

Look at this.

It's your, uh,
crazy Aunt Jackie

sharing a Popsicle
with your dog.

Oh, it's Armani!

She's gonna keep him for you
'til you can take him.

They look so happy.

Yeah, well,
it's all good now

'til Jackie starts asking him
where this is all headed.

[ Sniffles ]
You want a drink, Mom?

Oh, I shouldn't.

Okay.

Ahh.

Ooh!

[ Smacks lips ]
You're driving!

[ Loudly ] Alright,
I'll give it a shot,
but don't tell Mom!

How's the dog
training going?

No, we don't call it
"training".

We call it
"behavior sculpting".

Watch.

Armani, sit.

Good boy!

See? I've taught him to be
an independent thinker,

not just do what people
tell him to do.

So he -- he's really
not trained at all.

Armani...

do you want to
lie down,

or do you have
other things to do?

See?
He's his own dog.

Tell me to stay
and watch some more.

Stay and watch
some more.

[ Panting ]

Good job, Dan!