10x02 - Dress to Impress

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

[ Whispering ]
What the hell?

Shh!

[ Whispering ]
Don't spook it.

That's the great
North American

bottom-heavy
white wino.

It appears
to be doing

some sort of
cleaning ritual.

[ Louder ]
I hear they only do this
every ten years

when they really need
something.

Yeah, I need to get
ten years of Cheeto dust

off this table.

Great,
now our cold drinks

will be sitting
directly on the wood.

Come on. Andrea's
coming over tomorrow.

You guys could blow
$ , for me

if she decides not to use me
as a surrogate.

Could you please
put away anything

you got free
with a t*nk of gas?

Oh, I see
what you're doing, Becky.

You don't want her to think
we're poor white trash.

You know
what would help that?

Don't have a yard sale
in your uterus.

Darlene:
Are you sure you want her
to come here?

She wants
to meet you guys.

She has questions
about our family history.

Ohh! We have
a family history?

Mother, have you
been keeping

our glorious heritage
from us?

Yeah.

All of your relatives
died from alcoholism.

The ones that didn't drink
were k*lled by the ones who did.

What are you doing
with my pictures?

I don't want her to think
obesity runs in our family.

So, I'm getting rid
of the ones where
you guys were fat.

Those are the only ones
where we look happy!

Also, remember --

I told her I'm
and I'm the baby of the family.

Oh, I love this game.

If you're ,
can I be an astronaut?

You live
with Mom and Dad.

You can't even escape

the gravitational pull
of this house.

And by the way,
I look .

Yeah, the only reason
you look younger than me

is 'cause you're embalmed
in Mike's Hard Lemonade.

Where have you been?

All the bathrooms
were ocupado,

so I had to "urinado"
behind the casa.

Gross.
Why couldn't you wait?

Because I realized
I'm old

and I can do
whatever I want.

Besides, it was
kind of nice out there.

You breathe in
the fresh air...
[Inhales deeply]

...get close to nature,

wave to the neighbors
with my free hand.

Oh, good job, Dad.

We finally got our red dot
on the sex offenders map.

Please don't be
like this tomorrow.

I know you've all seen
normal people.

Can you pick one
and act like that?

Hey, everybody.

Tomorrow's the first day
at my new school.

How does this look?

Aw, you look great,
buddy.

I feel like it's kind of plain,
like it needs something.

Yeah. Fast shoes
and a head start.

♪♪

[ Dan and Roseanne laughing ]

"Roseanne" is taped
in front of a live audience.

First day
at my old alma ma'.

[ Chanting ]
Lanford High! So am I!

If you've got spirit...

hope you die!

Go...

smoke by the river!

Oh, my God.

Listen, here's how you
get through Lanford High.

Laugh at everything
Miss Cunningham says,

ask Mr. Skinner
about the Cubs,

and tell Miss Rogers
that you love Bananarama.

Wait a second.
These teachers are
probably all dead.

Well, thanks
for the pep talk.

I think I'm good.

Wait, so you're...
not nervous?

Do you need a hug
or anything?

No.

Do you?

Yeah, I kinda do.

You worried about Mark?
A little.

Mm. I miss when you guys
were at the same school

so you could keep
an eye on him.

I was supposed
to keep an eye on him?

Alright, well, let's hope
he continues to be lucky.

Oh, I almost forgot.
Don't go out for soccer.

The field is under
the high-voltage power lines.

The whole team from '
is sterile.

Oh, you didn't
have to make their lunch.

I would've done that.

Oh, it's out of guilt.

Your father and I
had a Lunchables party

in the middle
of the night.

You get up
to use the bathroom,

you end up
having another dinner.

Darlene,
you talked to Mark

about wearing that outfit
to school, right?

He's gonna get beat up,
sure as hell.

He'll be fine.

He wore stuff like that
all the time in Chicago.

The musical?

I don't get why he's wearing
clothes like that to school.

He just likes to wear clothes
like that sometimes.

I've read
a bunch of books about it,

and they all say to let him
just be who he is.

He gets good grades,
he's happy -- for a Conner --

and, I mean, that's --
that's all I really care about.

You know,
as a life coach...

This might be a good time

to grab a snack
or go pee in the yard.

As a life coach,

let me share
some research

that I think
might be pertinent.

Before the s,

there were no colors
associated with gender at all.

And then the infamous
clothing industrial complex

decided that pink was for girls
and blue was for boys

just to make people
have to buy more clothes.

If you're done --
And so, my point is...

kudos to Darlene
for letting Mark be himself.

I mean, given the choice,
who knows how many children

would choose
a style different

from what society
has "assigned" to them.

Thank you,
Aunt Jackie.

Oh, and grown-ups, too,
you know?

When I'm home alone
sometimes,

I like to light a few candles
and put on some Prince

and dance
in front of a mirror

wearing men's boxers
and an old fishing hat.

You can get off
my side now.

Darlene...
you're his mom.

It's okay
if you think it's fine

that he plays dress-up
around the house,

but if you care
about his safety,

you'll make him
wear pants to school.

Oh, so you're saying
when he's out of the house,

he's got to pretend
to be someone he's not?

Yes.

If I didn't do that,

we'd never be able
to cash a check anywhere.

You know what?
I'm sorry.

I-I'm not gonna
raise him that way,

and by the way,
you didn't have any problem

when I wore basketball shorts
and a Bulls jersey

to school every day.

Darlene,
God did not give me

this big a head
to hold a narrow mind.

I'm totally cool with girls
who like basketball,

boys who like sewing,

but you're dreaming

if you think he isn't in
for a world of hurt.

Yeah, and we're
totally not bigoted

because we already
came to terms with the fact

that you were gay.

I'm not gay.

You know, gay people
throughout history --

We're not
talking about gay!

The kid
is nine years old.

He's too young
to like girls or boys yet,

and frankly, wherever
this lands with Mark,
I'm fine with it.

Then so am I!
I'm totally fine with gay.

My daughter's gay!

Not gay!

You think I'm smart,
don't you?
Yeah.

Yeah!

What's for breakfast?

You better carbo-load.

I have a feeling
today's gonna be

more of a marathon
than a sprint.

Come on, Mom.
I don't want to be late.

Oh, well,
then start walking.

No, you have
to drive me.

You've gotta be there
to sign a form

saying I'm up to date
with all my sh*ts.
What?
I was taking Mark.

I don't have time
to go to your school

and pretend I get you
proper medical care.

Well...

O-Okay.
All right, fine.

Can one of you guys
take Mark?

[ Door opens and closes ]

Yes, I'll take
little Braveheart.

[ Television playing ]

Hey, Mark.
Yeah?

I'm taking you
to school,

but I want to talk
to you first.

Shove over.

[ Television turns off ]

[ Sighs ]

Okay, I'm gonna ask you
something kind of adult,

but you're growing up,

and I think
you can handle it.

Do you...

feel like you're a boy
or a girl?

A boy.

Well, you answered that
pretty quick.

I thought it was gonna be
more complicated.

So, what's up
with the girls' clothes?

This just feels like me.

I like colors that pop.
It's more creative.

Well, your mom's creative,
so I get that,

but here's the thing --

you gotta pick
your fights in life.

How important
is this to you?

It's important.

Okay.

Well, you know it's
gonna be rough on you
at school, right?

But we'll back you up.

[ Sighs ]

Ohhh!

[ Grunts ]

Kinda scary talking
to your old granny, huh?

I'm not afraid of you.

Give it time.

♪♪

Mark, why don't you
find a seat.

Freak!

[ Children snickering ]

Do you mind if I talk
to the class for a minute?

No, go ahead.

Hi, everybody.

Eyes up here.

[ Snapping
fingers ]

Um...I'm Mrs. Conner,

and, uh, this is
my grandson, Mark,

and he's just
starting school here today,

which is very cool 'cause
all my other kids went here,

and they continue to lead
crime-free lives.

I think you guys
are really gonna like Mark

'cause he is a lot of fun,
and he's very fashionable.

Sometimes he wants to wear
a dress or a real fancy top.

I think he's gonna grow up
and be a fashion designer.

A really famous one,

like, uh, T.J. Maxx
or, um...

...or that Ross guy.

So, I'm counting on
you guys

to make the new kid
feel welcome.

And if you don't,

I have ways
of finding out about it.

I'm a white witch.

♪♪

[ Doorbell rings ]

Hi, Andrea.

Hi, Rebecca.

"Rebecca"?

Hi. I'm her
Aunt Jacqueline,

and, um, I am Lanford's
leading life coach,

and as such, I respect
the powerful process

you must be going through
to build your family.

Thank you.

My husband, Richard,
and I are just so grateful

that Rebecca's willing
to go on this journey with us.

Journeys! Mm.

I, uh, brought you
some ionized water
in glass bottles.

Thank you.
I love water.

I hate
plastic bottles.

I mean, you might as
well suck the mercury
out of a thermometer.

Oh, I love
plastic bottles

'cause when you're done with
them, you just gather 'em up

and dump 'em
in the lake.

Hi. You must be, uh...

Andrea.

This is my mother,
Roseanne Conner.

She's a hoot.

Why don't we sit down.

Okay, I'm just gonna do this
as quickly as possible.

Um, I just have
a few questions

about your family's
medical history.

Mrs. Conner, did all
of your children's deliveries

go according
to your birth plan?

Um...

They found their way out,
if that's what you mean.

Oh, she means were there
any medical emergencies

that arose?

A time when the newborn
might have been in distress?

Thank you, Jacqueline.

No, the birth part
was easy.

Followed by decades
of unbearable pain.

Okay. Next question.

Uh, does mental illness
run in your family?

And don't be embarrassed.

I mean, I get anxiety
on international flights.

No mental illness.

Well...

Our mother
was never formally diagnosed,

but I'm pretty sure
she's stark, raving --

I'll tell you what
runs in our family --

a sense of humor.

If it's okay, I have
some questions for
you, too, Andrea.

I hope
you don't mind.

Oh, no, it's fine.
Really.

Um, so,
are you gonna be there

when Becky has sex
with your husband, or what?

Mom!

They don't do it
like that.

Right?

Oh, God, no!
No, no, no.

Becky's egg will be extracted
at the hospital...
Use Becky's egg.
Be extracted. That's right.

...and then
the healthiest one

will be fertilized
there...
Fertilized.

...and then implanted.
And then implanted!

Okay, gotcha.

So, how are you gonna
take care of Becky

through this whole thing?

Oh, she's gonna get
the very best medical care,

and we're planning
a totally natural birth.

You mean
with no dr*gs?

Say what now?

I just read an article

about how mothers who don't
use dr*gs during childbirth

recover so much faster.

Oh, if you're worried
about me, Andrea,

you don't need to be.

I don't care how long
it takes to recover.

I'll take all the dr*gs
you got.

Mark, go up
to your room.

Andrea, this is
my older sister, Darlene.

What happened
with Mark?
Nothing. He's fine.
Where's Dad?

He's in the kitchen.

He's washing his tail
in the sink.

Mom!

Guess what?

I had to pick up Mark from
the principal's office today.

I knew something bad
was gonna happen.

Yeah, he showed a kid
a knife at school,

and he said
you gave it to him.

Is that true?
What?

Yeah.
I gave it to him.

I didn't tell him
to bring it to school.

What the hell
were you thinking?

I didn't think it was
that big of a deal, Darlene.

You wanted a knife at that age,
I gave you one.

That was to defend myself
at home.

You know, I know why
you gave Mark a knife.

It's to turn him
into your version of a boy.

First of all, I didn't know
there were that many versions.

And, yeah, I admit,
I was happy he liked it.

He's got
a pocketknife now.

I'm hoping it's a gateway
to having pockets.

So, you admit it?

You were trying
to make him more masculine.

When did "masculine"
become a dirty word?

And no, I'm not.

I'm scared for him.

If I don't get
what's going on,

what do you think a classroom
full of -year-olds

from Lanford
is gonna do?

From what I remember

about the exchange
student in my school,

what you don't understand,
you beat the crap out of.

I don't know, Dad.

Maybe things have changed
over the last fifty years.

Maybe.
Maybe not.

Why don't you ask Mark

why he really had
that knife out today?

I'm guessing it wasn't
for show and tell.

Well, I'm keeping
a lid on things out there,

but Roseanne
just found out

that Andrea's gonna eat
Becky's placenta.

Oh, come on!

Hey, you guys gotta go fight
someplace else.

I need to yell at Becky
in here.

It's -- It's fine.
We're done.

I'm gonna
go check on Mark.

He got caught
with a knife at school.

What idiot
gave him a knife?

Dad...
Mom needs to chill.

I am not letting you
ruin this for me.

All I want is a down payment
on a house

and a dentist who doesn't
work out of his van...

or just to sit on my ass
for two minutes

[voice breaking]
without stressing about money!

Becky, you might not
want to see this baby,

but we will.

And I'll tell you how
this whole thing's gonna end.

I'll be kidnapping
my own grandkid,

and I'm gonna end up
in jail.

And don't think
that's a deterrent

'cause I'll probably
do less laundry!

♪♪

Mark.

You know what you did wrong,
don't you?

Yeah, I do.

Okay, sit down.

[ Sighs ]
I'm gonna ask you something,

and you gotta be honest
with me.

Don't worry. You're not gonna
get in trouble.

That's what you said
last time.

Yeah, but this time
I mean it.

That's what you said
last time.

Okay, we've established
you remember things.

Why did you take that knife out
at school?

I told you, I was just showing
it off to a kid.

Okay, so no one was trying
to hurt you or anything?

No.

He was definitely
going to hurt me.

That's when I decided
to give it to him as a gift.

Why didn't you tell me?

'Cause I didn't want you
coming down to the school

and making a big deal.

Granny Rose already
told everyone she's a witch.

No, she'd never get
that close to a broom.

Was it about
your clothes?

I guess.

Well, what did he say?

He said I was weird,

and he was going to tell
everyone I was a girl-bot

so that no one
would want to play with me.

[ Scoffs ]

What a loser.

You know
that's ridiculous, right?

Yeah...

but...

no one
played with me.

You know, they will.

[ Sighs ]
Here's the thing...

You are weird.
[ Chuckles ]

I'm weird. This whole family
is really weird, right?

So, you just
gotta hang in there

until people figure out
that weird is cool.

When is that?

I don't know,
but it'll happen,

and in the meantime, you just
find the other weird kids

and you hide
amongst them.

By the time the bullies
make their way through to you,

there'll be a pile
so high

of glasses, retainers,
and headgear,

they'll never
get over it.

[ Smooches ]

There's this girl who offers
to dissect everybody's frogs.

Okay, you could be her friend
for now, but, you know,

as she gets older,
you might want to drift away.

♪♪

Ready to go!

Oh, you sure?
Do I need to frisk you?

You packing heat?
No, Mom.

All right,
second day of school.

Remember what
I told you

if anybody has a problem
with what you're wearing?

Tell them to wait for me
under the high-voltage lines.

No, the other thing.

It's their problem.

And we should all be ourselves,
but if things get rough,

I put pants and a T-shirt
in your backpack,

and you know what?

You're still
gonna be you.

No, I won't.
I'm fine, Mom.

Well, what if that kid
teases you again

or pushes you down
or something?

He'll get tired of it
eventually. I like my clothes.

[ Bag zips ]

Come on, Mom.
I don't want to be late.

Hey! Hey!

Grr!

[ Growls ]
Get out of here.

Tough kid.

I'm gonna miss him.

Hey, Mom,
I'm on my way to work.

Um...Andrea sent you
a "thank you" gift.

Turns out you didn't
totally ruin everything.

Well, we'll try harder
next time.

Oh, lookit.
It's potpourri.

I hope you like it,
Becky,

'cause that's what you're
getting for Christmas.

Guess she thinks
our house stinks.

Uh, yeah,
that's your fault.

You kicked up all those bad
smells with all that vacuuming.

We had 'em settled down
real nice.

[ Door closes ]

It looks better
than it tastes.

You gotta put milk
on it!

He fakes left.
He dribbles past the big man.

He sh**t.
He scores!

Stop it.

How's school
treating you?

Fine.

Have any more trouble
with that kid?

Nope. He's got
a peanut allergy,

so I can take him
out with a handful
of trail mix.

Hey, can girls play?
Hey.

I don't know.
Can they?

Oh, like taking candy
from a sweaty baby.

Ha! Watch and learn,
boys.

[ Grunts ]

Oh! Little man
flying to the hoop!

He goes up, up, up.

Flying in -- boom!

Ahhh! And the crowd
goes wild!

Okay, he doesn't
have to wear pants,

but he's gotta wear
underwear.