04x18 - This Old House

[bunniefuu]

Aren't you curious
about who bought
our old house?

How come you're so
obsessed with this.

It's where we grew up.

I'm just surprised

That you don't
have any feelings
for it at all.

Well, god,
it's not like

It's the first
mcdonald's
or something.

Look at that--

Final notice from
my insurance company.

Well, good.
I was sick of
hearing from them.

Well...

It's special.
It's our house.

Hey, Jackie,
you forget.

Ever since dad
sold that house,

It's also become home

To three other
dysfunctional families.

I'm going to change.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey!

What?

What are you
doing upstairs
with some boy?

Well,
no one was home,

So I figured,
"why not become
a woman?"

Cut it out, Darlene.

She's not a woman,
Mrs.. Conner.

Nothing
was going on.

Excuse me. I'm
waiting for her
to lie to me.

I don't have to
explain myself
to you.

Yes you do.
See how big
I am?

We were
working on this.
It's a comic book.

I do the drawings.
She writes the words.

Don't show her.

This is
what you were
working on?

Yes.

Zombies eating
people's brains?

Well,
it's not done yet.

Yeah, but I see
what it's saying.

It's saying
that you were
not upstairs

Groping my daughter.

I like it.

I'm going to take off.

I'll see you
at school tomorrow.

You're going?

Yeah, I guess.

All right. Me, too.

Can you believe her?
She just had to
embarrass me.

Well, you got to
understand, Darlene.

That's not just
any guy there.

That's
Mark's brother.

That's not his fault.

Maybe she'll
see that eventually.

Look at these drawings.

Oh, yeah.
These are great.

You guys
put a lot of time
in on this.

Yeah. A couple
of weeks.

I think of
the story,
and he draws it.

We're
totally in sync.

We've got
a couple more
stories worked out.

It's going to be
a whole series.

They're not
just comic books.
They're graphic novels.

What?

Oh, it's just great
to see you like this,
Darlene.

You know,
excited about
something.

Oh, man.

I mean, ever since
you quit basketball--

Stop it.

All right.
Can I read it?

I guess.

I'm just so
proud of you!

That's quite enough.

Todd's fish
died today.

That's a shame.
Was he sad?

Yeah, but he
felt better

After we put it
in the street

And watch a car
smash it.

D.J., we're eating.

So, beck, you're
going out with Mark
on saturday, huh?

Jackie!
I said we're eating.

Well, it's not a date.
He wants to talk.

That can be
pretty tough

With his tongue
crammed down
your throat.

Darlene, it's over
between us.

But I think
he misses me

And wants to come
crawling back.

That's it.
I'm not hungry
at all anymore.

Then how come
he didn't ask you out
for friday night?

What do you mean?

Well,
you've got to wonder

What other moron
he's crawling to.

Did you
hear something
from david?

Is he going out
with somebody else?

Do you care?
It's over between
you and baghead.

Well, it is.
I don't care.

Good. Nobody cares.
New topic.

Oh, look.
Daddy's home.

We'll talk about daddy.

Sorry I'm late.

I got to talking
with Mark at the shop.

Really?
What did he say?

It wasn't about you.

He said david
cut school
the other day

And went to Chicago.

He ratted out
his own brother.

I think he was
proud of the kid.

But you're not
hanging around
with david

If he's pulling
this crap.

How come he was
in Chicago?

How should I know?

Something about
a comic book
convention.

Comic book convention,
huh?

'Cause you know
I can call the school

And find out
if you ditched, too.

The convention
was only there
for two days.

You went to Chicago
with him?

It's not a big deal
out of this.

Oh, I am
going to make

A huge deal
out of this!

You get up for school
and wind up in Chicago?

We don't even know?
Something could
have happened!

How could you
do something so stupid?

We took the bus.
Nothing happened.

Till now.
You're grounded.
You are so grounded.

And don't think
you're just
laying around.

You'll do something
useful.

And you'll hate it.

Or else
we'll think of something

Even more useful.

Doesn't anybody
want to know
why we went?

You're not
seeing david no more.

Because of him
you lied,

You went to Chicago,
and you skipped school.

You need more?

The convention
was important to us.

We're serious
about this stuff.

You can do
better than that,
Darlene.

I can't believe this.

So did Mark say
where he was going

After he left
the shop?

Hey, can I have
some of that
chocolate?

No, D.J.
It's baker's chocolate.
You won't like it.

Please?

It doesn't have
any sugar in it.

Come on.
It won't spoil
my dinner.

O.k. Go for it.

Eew! It's awful!

Well, I guess
that's a lesson

Every kid's
got to learn
once, huh?

Are you kidding?

He does that
every single time
I bake a cake.

Hey.

Hi, Arnie.

How are you
doing, Arnie?

I'm doing
pretty good.

Dan said I could
borrow the truck,
you got the keys.

The keys are
on that hook there.

That chocolate?

Yeah! Help yourself.

Thanks.

Hey, listen.
I got a little
problem with Nancy,

And I know she listens
to you guys.

What's going on?

She's driving me nuts.
She's trying
to change me.

She says
I got potential.

Well, do you want me
to set her straight,
Arnie?

Would you?

What are you doing
with the truck?

Mine's in the shop.
The demolition crew's
letting me salvage

The copper pipes
from your old place.

Demolition?

Yeah. They're putting up
a burger heaven.

I can't
believe this!

It's great.
The whole block
will smell like chili.

You know...

Rosie, I don't want
to say nothing,

But there's something
really wrong
with this stuff.

You know, Darlene,

I've never seen you
look as lovely
as you do now.

I can't believe
you didn't
get busted, too.

I was.
I'm in my room
right now.

When I'm ready
to admit I'm wrong,
I can come out.

Oh, no!

What?

I just found
my old hamster.

Darlene,
your mom said

You had some stuff
of mine--oh, man!

Well, you've see me.

Now you must die.

Get out of here!

You won't
tell anybody?

Live in fear, david.

I can do that.

Hey! Your mom
catches him in here,
you're dead!

Thanks for the tip.

Looks like
you're doing
a pretty good job.

What do you want?

You mad at me?

Why would I be
mad at you?

Just because
you let them dump
all over me?

If you want me
to say it's o.k.
To go to Chicago

Without telling anybody,
I won't!

You could have
told them
it was important.

They think this
comic book convention

Is just some lame excuse
to cut school.

They think
that me and david

Are like Mark
and Becky.

I couldn't
say anything!

You told me
how great it was

That I was finally
getting into something.

They weren't
going to listen
to me!

You're right.
The best thing to do

Was to let them
dump all over me.

Darlene!

Just leave me alone.

Thanks for
picking me up, beck.

Deej, where's mom?

She went out.
She said she'd be
back in an hour.

Hey, dad,

How come Mark
couldn't drive you home?

Uh...he left early.

Hmm.

Well, he usually doesn't
leave early, does he?

He did tonight.

Did he smell good
when he left?

I Try not to
sniff the help,
Becky.

Well, you know
what I mean.

I don't know
if he's dating
anyone else, o.k.?

You're with him
all day.

And he's always been
a gentleman.

Never laid a hand
on me.

Hey.

What?

Nothing. Just hey.

You done out there?

I guess that would be
up to you.

I got an idea.

Since mom's gone
for a little longer,

Let's get a pizza.

Darlene,
what don't you want
on your half?

I'll have this
upstairs.

Here we go again.

Now she'll
sit in her room

And mope
for six months.

She's so immature.

Good! He's home!

We should have
asked Arnie
for the key.

Oh, we'll be in
in a minute.

Oh!

The branch
is creaking,
Jackie.

It never creaked
back when we
were kids.

Well, the tree's
older now,
and you're...

Older now, too.

Hey, we both fall
at the same speed,
slim.

I'm hurrying.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

All these years,
nobody ever fixed that.

Oh, just get in.

Oh...

Nice branch.

Good branch.

Strong branch.

Oh...

Whoa!

I just flashed
on winnie the pooh
and the honey tree.

Just get me in here,
all right?

How many times
do you think we did that?

You sneaking in
after seeing Dan.

You're supposed to
have been studying.

Oh, man. About now...

I'd be wondering
if I remembered
my underwear.

Shh!

You'll wake up
mom and dad.

You were supposed to
be in by : .

Well, after the party

Me and Dan went over
to his house

And we had three kids.

Don't tell mom!

Wow...

Our room.

Eew. Eew, it even
smells the same.

Yeah.

Eew.
You know that smell
of burned meat

And oppression.

Hey, look, Jackie.
There's the vent.

Yeah. Mom and dad
never did figure out

We could hear everything
that went on in their
bedroom thru that vent.

Screaming and yelling
and crying.

Yeah. We never did
hear any sex...

Unless that's what
all the crying
and yelling was about.

Well, it helped us
figure out

How bad trouble
we were in.

Five minutes
before the knock
on the door.

Yeah. But that
was a help.

Gave us a chance
to run in and confess,

Score those
honesty points.

Yeah, or get our
stories straight.

You remember the week
we took turns listening

To see if they knew
about bloomington?

Yeah, that frat party.

We were
may too mature
for high school guys.

Yeah, so we end up
with these future
doctors and lawyers

Playing up, up and away
on their armpits.

Yeah.
We slept in a car.

What were we thinking?

We could have
gotten really hurt,
you know,

And mom and dad
had no idea
where we were.

But I guess
that's just the...

Crazy kind of stuff
kids do.

Oh, gee, Jackie,

That sounds just like
what Darlene did.

I guess I'm just
no better than her.

How could I be
so blind?

My point exactly.

When you
remember to water
your chia pet,

You can criticize
the way I raise
my kids.

Roseanne, wait.

Come on.

O.k., so what we did
was stupid.

But if we would have
gotten caught,

We would have
gotten busted
and deserved it.

Yes, but Darlene says
that what she did
was important.

She said
the same thing

When she shaved
D.J.'s head.

The comic book thing
means a lot to her.

I Believe her,
because she
gave me hell

For not sticking up
for her.

Usually when
she's mad at you,
she's nice to me.

Now we're on
the same side.
That just stinks.

O.k., so this thing
is really important
to her.

I never told her to quit
the comic book thing.

You did, kind of,
'cause david
does the pictures.

O.k.
O.k., I get it.

Shut up.

All right.
You're welcome.

Hey, it's our
living room, Jackie.

Yeah.

Couch there.

Tv there.

Blue barcalounger.

Green shag carpeting

As far as
the eye could see.

Hey. You remember
that oil painting
that was there?

It was a picture
of a long, winding road.

I Used to
stare at that thing
for hours.

That's 'cause
I told you

It was the andy
griffith show.

You were
so mean to me.

I was not.

Yes, you were!
You lied to me
all the time.

You'd tease me
and pinch me.

Mom would say,
"just ignore her
and she'll stop."

Mom never
understood me.

My field hockey trophy
was right here,

And this is the clock
that mom got

When aunt betty died.

The fish!

Oh, god! Yeah!

Dad's stuffed
swordfish deal.

Yeah.
I Remember crying

When he
brought that thing home.

Yeah, that's
'cause I told you
it was flipper.

God, I'm--

I was such an idiot!

And, uh, remember
what was over there,
Jackie?

We don't need
to get into this.

We're having
a good time here.

You want to
get into our memories.

This is part of
our memories.

The belt.
Dad's belt, o.k.?

It was
years ago,
Roseanne.

Parents
spanked their kids
back then.

Spanked?

Come on, Jackie.
He hit us with a belt.

Well, kids got hit
with belts.

Yeah,
but did their dads

Strap some big
razor strap
on the wall

Right by
the front door,

So when you came in
you'd see it

And always worry
what would happen

If you
stepped out of line?

Maybe
he was trying to
psyche us out.

Yeah, well.
He was good at that.

Remember
he'd make us
bring it to him?

Well, mom wasn't
any help either.

She could have
said something.

She'd just
stay in there
washing dishes.

That was mom.
Ignore it,
and it'll go away.

She let the damn thing
hang there,

And we're supposed to
explain why it's there

To our friends?

I told people
it was Elvis' belt.

Well, yeah.

But you had
stupid friends.

Or they were just
trying to be nice.

Let's face it,
Jackie.

Our family was like
totally screwed up,

Which is probably
why I got fat

And you can't have
any decent
relationship

With any man.

Or...

Maybe...

I just never found
the right guy,

And you never found
the wrong doughnut.

Well...
That's probably
how we survived.

We could always
make each other
laugh.

I know.

Are you sorry
you came?

No. No.

'Cause I think,
well, you know,

We probably
needed to do this.

Goodbye, house.

Yeah.

Man. Let's go pick up
a couple of burgers.

Yeah...or sailors.

Captioning performed by
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Public performance of captions
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So?

Not bad.

I Divided everything
into sections--

Automotive, gardening,

And home repair.

That's a lot better
than the animal,
vegetable, mineral system

You had going, Dan.

Tools on the pegboard?

Isn't that
what you wanted?

It's fine.

What's all this?

I Divided
the nuts and bolts
and screws and nails

And put them
in separate jars.

Is that o.k.?

Next time,
check with me first.

Well, am I done?

I guess.

So here's the deal--
you're off of grounding
and you can see david.

Really?

Thanks to your
aunt Jackie. But--

You mess up
in any way,
and he's gone.

You got it?

Yeah, o.k.

O.k. Now,
go spread joy.

Whee!

Man, this place
is almost as clean
as the kitchen.

There's actually room
for my truck.

You ain't driving
that filthy thing
in here.

Jeez, this is
unbelievable!

You know, report cards
are coming up.

I Bet we can get her
to build us a pool.

This is so unfair.

When I started
seeing Mark,

You guys made it
impossible.

You totally caved
on this david thing.
This sucks.

It's not the same.
She's not dating
this boy.

Oh, please! You
know she's gonna!

What do you want,
Becky?

I'm sick of
the double standard
around here.

I want us both
to be treated
the same.

O.k. Then you
get started

On cleaning up
the basement!

Why do I bother?

Nice save on the
double-standard deal.

But you know,
we don't have to see it

As a double standard.

Let's see it as
different kids
need different rules.

Yes, that's good.

And we didn't cave
on this david thing.

We adapted to
a difficult situation.

Well done, my man.

Hey, I got one.

Darlene isn't
totally out of control.

She's spunky.

Quite.