04x06 - Trick Me Up, Trick Me Down

[bunniefuu]

Aah!

No! No! Don't!

Aah!

Aah!

No! Don't! No!

Get over
here!

Aah!

Hello?

Roseanne?

Dan?

It's Kathy.

[Clattering]

Is--is everything o.k.?

Hello?

Is anybody ho--?

Aaahhh!

Oh!

Aah!

Aah!

What is it, Kathy?

I've had a bad day,
and now I've got
all this to clean up.

I, Uh...

I--I need
to go home, I--

Would you look
at this mess?

I don't know
how many times
I've said it--

It's just like
gutting a fish.

I swear,
I was way better
the last time.

The last time?

You know...

With Becky's dad.
He was blond, too.

Hey, you've got
a garbage disposal
over your house, right?

Oh, my god.

Please, please...

I--I need
to go home.

Oh, no.
You can't go.
You'll tell.

No, I won't.
I Promise.

I won't tell.
Please.

Let me go.

Oh!

Liver?

Aah!

Aah!

Oh!

Happy Halloween!

Got you!

That was a horrible...

Horrible...

Horrible thing to do.

You know, hon,
every time
we do this,

People get
so ticked off.

Yeah.
When will we learn?

Heh heh heh heh heh.

We got Kathy good.
She almost lost it.

Yeah. Damn good
bladder control, though.

Well, thank you.
I did laugh pretty hard.

Listen,
I'm going out tonight.

Will you be home
for dinner?

I don't know.
What are we having?

Liver.
Liver.

Heh heh.

God, I wish I had
an adult role model.

Where you going tonight?

You got some sort a party?
What are you going as?

I'm going as Becky.

That ought to scare
the crap out of them.

Funny.
It's not a party.
It's a movie.

Scary movie?

Mother,
I've outgrown it.
Move on.

Ah.

How's about you,
Darlene.

Are you dressing up
all gross for mommy tonight?

No. I think
I'm just going
to stay home.

What's wrong, Darlene?

You used to care
about Halloween.

Yeah. I Also used
to want to marry
Scott Baio.

Oh, you look great!

Who am I supposed to be?

I told you.
You're Alfalfa
of the little rascals.

I want
to be the terminator.

No.

Everybody's
the terminator.

You look cute.

I don't want
to look cute.

Honey, let me.

D.J., Alfalfas
k*ll terminators.

Yeah, right.

No, no.
Really, really.

See,
this is your antenna,

And it detects
terminator waves.

Mom, why not
give him a sign

Saying,
"knock me down
and steal my candy."

I want to do
what my friends
are doing.

Well, fine.

Do what you want
and leave me out of it.

I don't
get it anymore, Dan.

Yeah. I Remember
when Halloween
meant something.

Remember throwing
flaming bags of dog-doo

On the Henderson's lawn
as a family?

Ahh.

Hey!

Oh, good.

Jackie can help me
yank the slime
out of this thing.

I got to get
some more tubing
for our costume.

Your costume's
got tubing?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Why won't you tell me
what you're going as?

Because it's supposed
to be a surprise.

I told you
what I was going as?

Yeah. Morticia Addams.
Not too boring.

Sorry it's not
up to your standards.

Give me half an hour.

I'll turn you
into a science experiment
gone berserk.

No, thanks.
What's
with the blood?

Oh. I k*lled Dan.

Of course.

So, are you still going
alone tonight?

Yeah.

No date.

Are you bummed?

Well, no.
Not now.

Soon?

No. I mean,

I was bummed about it,

Around the time
of the Arnie disaster.

I was so desperate
for company,

I actually called up
some old boyfriends.

Ugh,
that's pathetic.

Thanks.

Who did you call?

I don't want to get--

No. Who, who?

Gary.

Oh, god!

And I hung up.

And?

Tim Brewer.

Who,
that mama's boy?

She answered...

Although, it could
have been him.

Man, I'm glad that one
never worked out.

Yeah,
and I called Booker.

What
did he have to say?

Nothing.
I left a message
on his machine.

I don't want
to get into it.

I don't need a date
to have a good time.

So you'll get drunk
and hang around me all night.

Do you mind?

Mom!

Where are
my hand grenades?

In your bottom drawer.

Where else?

Oh, yeah.
Right.

Who's he supposed to be?

I don't know.

The alfalfanator.

Uh-huh.

Well...

I see two women who
should have consulted

before choosing
their costumes.

You knew I was borrowing
Roseanne's wig.

How could
you do this?

How did I know
it was for Halloween?

What did you think?

I certainly don't know.

Perhaps to try
and cover your
hair color du jour.

Hey. Hey.

Let's not get snippy.

Sorry.
I put a lot of thought
into this costume--

Well, so did I.

What are the odds
we'd both come
as Morticia?

You're Morticia?
Then, that's no problem.

I'm Elvira.

We still look like
the judds from hell.

Hi, Anne Marie.

I hate to ruin the party,
but Elvis' ghost is here.

Arnie!
Did he see me?

I don't think so,
but don't hang near
the free food too long.

O.k. Right.

I can't believe
you both came as Cher.

Jackie!

Jackie!

So close.

I got
a situation here.

Nancy's with me tonight.

The ax m*rder*r
in the corner.

Cute.

You can't
be coming on to me.
Understand?

I think I can control
myself, Arnie.

I really appreciate it.

Whoa! She's seen us.
Act like you never
slept with me.

Hi, honey!
I love you!

Ugh!

O.k., everybody,
quiet, please.

Please, everybody, quiet.

Will everybody
get a seat, please?

Everybody take a seat.

Everybody.

O.k. Thank you.

Well,
ladies and gentlemen,

It wouldn't be Halloween

Unless the Conners
overdid it,

So without further ado--

Hey, Chuckie!
Just do it
like we told you.

Oh. O.k.

Ahem...

"Fellow lodge members,

"We had booked
a fabulous act tonight,

"But unfortunately
they died.

"But the show must go on,

"So here they are,
fresh from the cemetery--

Please welcome..."
oh, man.

"Dead-gar bergen
and mortuary snerd."

Hey, everybody.
It's great to be here.

So this is hell.
It's worse than I thought.

Morty,
I told you,
we're in Lanford.

Lanford?

Say,
isn't that Arnie?

I told you
to go to hell.

Now, Morty.
These are our friends.

Isn't that Jackie
over there?

I hear she's
a truck driver now.

That's a switch.

Jackie in the front seat
with her feet on the floor.

Hey!

Hey!

Now, Morty.
Be nice to the people.

Tell them how we died.

Simple. I let you
write the jokes.

Yeah. Like your shtick
don't stink.

Anyway...

My termite-riddled
little friend,

Are you ready to do
our little song?

God,
don't let her sing!

Shut up, Arnie!

Hit it, dead-gar.

* Dada dada dum dum... *

* Well, I come
from feet under *

* With a dead guy
on my knee *

* I'm headin' down
to hades *

* For to spend
eternity *

* Hey there, dead-gar *

* I think
it's plain to see *

* We bought
a cardboard casket *

* And the worms
have eaten me **

Well, you won
the grand prize again!

Was there ever
any doubt?

Bucks. Wow!

What did
the costume cost? ?

We don't do it
for the money.

We do it
for the envy.

Well, you were
a convincing dummy.

Jealous,
jealous,
jealous!

Honey, honey.
Look who's here.

Oh, my god!
It's the Bowmans!

I wonder how he managed
to drag her down to...

The lodge.

Wait a minute, Dan.

I know
why she's here.

She's here to get us back
for what we did today.

No way!

I'm serious, Dan,
she hates the lodge.

The only reason
she'd show up on our turf

Is to try and humiliate us
in front of our friends.

Too bad
she didn't see the act.

Could have saved her
a trip.

Great act, Dan.

Yeah, what was
your favorite part?

I liked the jokes.

Oh, really?

The song?

How about the waterbed?

See, 'cause
that was my idea.

Roseanne was against it,

But we needed
a big closer.

Yeah. You're right.

You definitely
needed a big closer.

Honey,
they loved
the waterbed.

Stay alert, Dan.

Kathy's over there
plotting revenge.

We know, so we've
got the edge.

Honey, you're
just being paranoid.

Relax
and have a good time.

I am not
being paranoid.

They've got
Crystal in on it.

She's talking
to Crystal,
big deal.

She's just
being sociable.

Oh, right.

When has Kathy
ever been sociable?

O.k., we pulled one
on her.

She pulls one
on us, we're even.

I don't want to be even.

I want to be better.

So, watch your back.

Fine.

I'll be at the bar.

If I'm not back
in minutes...

I'll be at the bar.

Roseanne.

I met this guy.

He seems
really great,

But he's in this
moose costume.

No matter what,
he won't take
the head off.

You listening to me?

Yeah, yeah.
You met a moose.

Congratulations.

What's with you?

See that little
miss yarn-head
over there?

Well, she don't know
who she's messing with.

I am the master.

All's I've got
to do is think.

If I were her,

What would I do
to get even.

Ho ho.

That bitch.

I said to myself,

"Even if it's crazy,
it's my life.

If I want to be a trucker,
that's what's right for me."

That's great.

You're independent,
get to travel--

It's perfect for you.

How do you know
it's perfect for me?

I've just got
this feeling.

Come on.
Take off the mask.

I told you
you might be
disappointed.

I don't want
that to happen until
after we've had sex.

You're pretty
sure of yourself.

Well, hunting season
starts tomorrow,
so it's now or never.

No. Take off
the moose head.

All right,
but you've really been
digging me up until now.

Trick or treat.

Booker?

I got your call.

Damn it.
I thought it was
somebody good.

Jackie, come on.

Hey, Dan.

Hey, Jer.

Hey, where's Rosie?

Where's Kathy?

At the car
getting a sweater.

Then Rosie's
in the bushes
watching her.

She thinks Kathy's
going to get even
for the trick.

Kathy was so mad
she didn't speak
to me all day.

You owe me a beer.

I guess I do.

Gus...

Why call if you
didn't want
to see me?

It wasn't a happy time
that night at Jackie's.

I wanted
to talk to someone
who wasn't my sister.

So you needed
to talk to someone,

Here I am,
let's talk.

I called other guys.

I'm the only one
that showed up.

We don't know that.

There is someone
dressed as Madonna

Who could very well
be Tim Brewer.

I made a mistake.
Forget it.

Come here, sit down.

There's something

I've been wanting
to ask you since
we broke up.

Why did we break up?

You were seeing
somebody else.

So it was my fault.
I was afraid of that.

Hi, Kathy.

Your sister is insane.

Roseanne's
new neighbor.

Ha ha--hey!

Hey!

Booker! All right!

Jackie, it's Booker.
Booker was the moose.

I know.

How you been?
You look great.

Well--

I can't talk to you now.

Jerry,
let's go home.

Bye, Dan.

Bye, Jer.

Leaving already,
or is that what you
want me to think?

Roseanne,
why are you
following me?

Why were you
at your car?

Getting my sweater.

Why were you
doing that?

To get away from you.

Then what are you doing
here in the first place?

My husband
asked me to come,

So I did.

Married people
do things like that
for one another.

Don't make me laugh.

How many times
do I have to tell you

That I am not
going to waste

One iota of energy
getting you back?

I think I'm better
than that.

Jerry, come.

Bye, Dan.

Bye, Jer.

Oh, sure you think
you're better than me.

But when you remember
the terrible thing
I did to you today,

You'll sink to my level
like a rock.

Why wouldn't she get me
back after I got her?

Am I not
good enough to get?

Is she trying to make
me feel beneath revenge?

Maybe ruining
your favorite night
was her payback.

No, Dan. She doesn't have
that kind of imagination.

She'll do something
to get me back,

And it will
be really lame,

And I'll be ready.

I'm sure you
will be, dear.

I wish we would
have rehearsed
the act more.

People didn't get we
were supposed to be dead.

If it's
any consolation,

I'm sure
they wish we were.

Whoa!

Yeow! Yeow!

Yeow! Yeow! Yeow!

Yeow!

What's going on?

Snakes in the bed!

It's new.
Now it's covered
with snake sweat.

You get them out.
You're the man!

Ick!

She's gone too far
this time.

Snakes bite and squeeze.

Kathy's trying
to k*ll us.

What are you
talking about?

Kathy isn't trying
to k*ll you.

Yeah. We are.

You put snakes
in our bed?

Well, you were saying
how important

This Halloween stuff
is to you.

My babies!

You've made your mother
and me very happy.

Now get rid
of the snakes.

I'll do it!

D.J. Don't
touch those snakes.

I'm not
untying them again.

Oh, our beautiful children

Remembered us on a holiday.

God, bless us
one and all.

To think you
had to worry
about Kathy.

Yeah...

Of course you know
what this means, Dan?

She's still out there.

[Howling]

Now all she has to do
is pick up the box...

Ha ha ha.

It'll all be over
in a couple of seconds.

I can't believe
you're doing this
to your own wife.

I'm not doing it,
Kathy is.

When it's done
Roseanne'll
sleep better.

Ah.

I'll sleep better.

Life will be good--

Or at least normal.

Do you have
the kitten?

I have the kitten.

[Tape]
meow.

Meow.

Meow.

Meow.

O.k., there she is--

Ever vigilant,
ever paranoid.

She spots the bait...

Realizing
how lame the trick is...

How easy to detect...

Waves of superiority
wash over her.

What now?

One of two things.

Either she won't
open the door or...

[Roseanne]
Becky, it's for you.

Perfect. She gets
even for the snakes.

Jeez, what do you guys
do for thanksgiving
around here?

[Door opens]

Oh, look a little kitty.