04x02 - Take My Bike ... Please!

[bunniefuu]

Well, if we'd
gotten the parts, Bill,

we'd have sent you
the money for sure.

Okay, I'll put you
on hold,

check
with receiving,

and see if they
did come in.

O.k., just a minute.

[Theme from
a man and a womanplays]

* Sha la la la la *

* Sha la la la la **

Hi. I checked with
Stan in receiving.

He says
he didn't get them,

and he's really
ticked, too.

Oh, o.k. I'll
let him know then.

Well, thank you.
Bye.

Stan?

Nice touch, huh?

You're getting
good at this.

Good? This guy is
going to send Stan

A bottle of scotch
to apologize.

I'll put it
with the others.

[Telephone rings]

Lanford
custom cycle.

It's the bank.

Don't get upset
if I have to
start crying.

You mailed the loan
check in, right?

Of course.

Uh-huh.

I realize I was
a couple of days late

sending it in
last month,

But this month
I sent it in right away.

Oh, I forgot
to sign it?

That's so unlike me.

Listen, you have
my permission.

It's a good check.

Go ahead and cash it.

Oh, you need
the signature.

I didn't know that.

O.k., well,
let me tell you,

I'll leave here
right away.

I'm on my way,

And I'll be there
in a couple minutes.

O.k. Thank you.

What are you
going to tell them?

How can I think about that

When my tire blew

And I'm stuck
in a ditch on route ?

Coffee?

Man, I'm exhausted.

Me, too. I'm going
to wash up.

I got to make
the kid's dinner
for tomorrow night.

I'd offer to help,

But it
would be a shallow,
insincere gesture.

Get lost, Dan.

Oh, man!

I stayed up
till : making
this casserole.

How come
you didn't eat it?

Gee, mom,
I guess it wasn't
a casserole kind of day.

What did you eat?

I wasn't hungry.

What about D.J.?
Did he eat?

Becky gave him
cereal or something.

Cereal?
If he wanted cereal,

There's
plenty of cereal
in the casserole.

Did he
brush his teeth
or take a bath?

I don't know.

You put him to sleep?

I didn't know
I had that option.

Where have you been?

Out for pizza with Mark.

You guys
are totally useless.

This place is a pigsty.

Pick it up.

It's all Darlene's stuff.

These shoes
are yours.

The socks and
sweat shirt are yours.

Please. What about
these magazines?

Oh, look.

The porch
is a big mess, too.

Oh, real mature, mom.

This family
is falling apart, Dan.

Tough to stop
a moving train, honey.

I can't work
at the shop anymore.

We've been
through this.

I got too much to do--

The restaurant,
the kids. I quit.

You can't quit.
You're an owner.

O.k. Well, then I'm fired.

I can't do repair work
and watch the shop.

Something has to change
around here.

You guys get in here.

How'd they get so spoiled

When we've given them
absolutely nothing?

Sit down. We're having
a family meeting.

What a bunch of crap.

Those are the minutes
of our last meeting.

Now on to new business.

O.k.,
here's the deal--

We're having a tough
time now, girls.

We're turning
the corner
on the bike shop,

Which means we're
k*lling ourselves.

If you don't help,
we won't make it.

All right, dad.

We're sorry
we let you down.

Meeting adjourned.

Darlene, don't,
because no matter
how lousy

your life is now,

we can make it
much worse.

Here's what I see--

Nothing's getting done
around here

Because nobody
takes responsibility
for anything, o.k.?

So from now on,

Becky, I'm leaving you
in charge.

I have a problem
with that.

Tough.

I'm just supposed to do
whatever she says?

Listen to Becky
like you listen to us.

Um, now I have
a problem.

Well, you'll work it out.

Take care
of your brother.

Make sure that
he washes himself

And does
his homework.

And you make sure
that he eats, too.

I'm going to weigh
that little boy every night.

If he loses
more than two pounds,
it's your butt.

O.k.

Good. Now,
go clean something.

All right. Good idea.

They're always crying

We don't treat them
like adults.

Now we are.
This may work.

Are you insane?
I just put Becky in charge.

That's like putting
fredo in charge of
the CorLeone family.

They may surprise us.

Oh, come on, Dan.

The family's doomed
unless I get out
of that shop.

Once we sell
a few bikes,

maybe we can
replace you.

If I sell a bike,
I can get out of there?

That's one way
to look at it.

I thought of us
as more of a team.

You and me
against the world,
husband and wife.

Partners.

Any bike, right?

I know Duke has a bike,
but you don't.

I don't need a bike.

I ride behind Duke.

That's how it'll be
the rest of your life?

You'll ride behind him?

Not on his side,
not equal to him,

But like behind him?

You have permission
to smack her.

You ever think
of getting a motorcycle?

Roseanne,
name me one guy

That hasn't
pictured himself
on a big chopper

Going down a country road
with the wind in his hair.

We've got
some really great--

The answer is me.
I'm the guy.

All I'm asking

Is for one person to buy
one lousy motorcycle.

Is that too much to ask?

Roseanne, what
is your problem?

I have all of your
PMS days circled
on my calendar.

This is not
one of them.

Oh, I'm just really
stressed out, Leon.

Oh, I understand.

You need
a little distraction.

Have you ever
considered waitressing?

All right. You're right.

Oh, look. There's Jackie.
Hold this, would you?

Jackie, you look great.

I love the dress.
Your hair is great.

I don't like
this job.

What's the matter
with it?

Like to sample
our new fragrance?

That's all I do
all day long.

Like to sample
our new fragrance?

God, I'm annoying.

Jackie, you begged me
to pull some strings

And get you that job.

But I thought,
make-up department,

I'd do make-overs,
like a cosmetician.

You've got to
work your way up.

Do you know how many
squirt girls have to die

before I make
cosmetician?

Fine, jackie.
Try my life.

work at the bike shop
for no money,

then come to this dump

And work for
Preppie the clown here.

Oh, that reminds me.

I need friday off, o.k.?

I don't know,
Roseanne.

Where can I find
somebody to stand
in my restaurant

And do nothing on
such short notice?

See what I
have to put up with?

Now this bike
isn't for everybody.

This is
a real outlaw bike.

It's like
the beast master.

And this is called
our commuter special.

See this seat
right here?
It's really cool.

Because there's nothing
for her to hold onto.

She's got to
wrap herself around
you real good

Or splat.

And the baby fits
real snug

Right here
in the safety seat.

Oh, so your name's
Murray, huh?

That's really
a coincidence,

Because you know
Evel Knievel?

His real first name
is Murray.

Yeah. Murray Knievel.

It's loud,
and it's mean.

It screams get out
of my damn way.

Not a single dolphin
was harmed to make
this motorcycle.

We're open till : .

We're here till : .

Every night
till midnight.

We never close.

We never close.

Never close.

Never close.

Oh, this is disgusting.

If you don't like it,
don't eat it.

I don't know
what the hell it is.

It's spaghetti
with island
dressing.

God, that is so gross.

After doing the laundry
and vacuuming,

There wasn't time to plan
an exciting menu.

I ran around all day
picking D.J. up
from school,

taking him to get shoes,
going to the supermarket--

And when I get home,
I expect a decent meal.

Don't they make
a lovely couple?

Remember when we
were first married?

We had bread
and mayonnaise
for dinner.

Why don't you
make that anymore?

I say we run for it.

Mother!

You will not believe

what Darlene
just made for dinner.

Hey, D.J. loves it.

D.j. eats hair.

I'm telling you,
you better make
something edible

for dinner
tomorrow night.

Or you'll spank me?

This goes on
all day.

Total disrespect.

I won't be referee.

Your dad and me
are working -hour days.

Run the house
without us.

But you're home now.

No, we're not.

Dan, I tried
everything today
to sell a bike.

I lied. I pushed.
I nagged.

Well, you went
with your strengths,
dear.

How come
none of it worked?

I didn't have
any more luck
than you did.

Mother, I've had it.

Darlene refuses
to do the dishes,
and it's her turn.

I cooked. Is
that not enough?

What should I do
about her?

Becky, I told you
you're in charge.

I'm just going to leave
the dishes where they are,

And tomorrow they'll be
covered with dried crud.

Fine.

Tomorrow night
it's leftovers.

You know, Dan,
these biker magazines

Ain't nothing
but a bunch
of naked ladies

sitting up
on motorcycles.

That is so degrading
to women.

You know, every one
of these girls

has a mother
out there somewhere

who's dying
of shame.

Oh, wait. I'm wrong.

Here's a naked girl
and her naked mother
in the sidecar.

[Bell rings]

Customer.

Oh, it's just you.

Well, it's just
you, too.

I'm sorry. What
are you doing here?

I had a bad day.
I need to whine.

What happened?

I sprayed perfume
on some woman,
and she kicked me.

Maybe she didn't
want to get sprayed.

No one wants
to be sprayed,

But damn it,
I had a quota.

Hey.

Hi, Dan.

What smells?

Remember, I told
you, honey.

Jackie's
the perfume sn*per
at the mall.

Oh, right. Right.

[Bell rings]

Hey, how you doing?

Ok.

Anything I can help
you with?

I'm, uh, just looking.

I pass this place daily,
thought I'd check it out.

You ride?

I always wanted to.

Well, what
are you waiting for?

My wife
would never let me.

I understand.

Feel free
to look around.

Thanks.

His wife's
a big boogey.

I ride. Bring
your wife by,

And I'll giver her
a pep talk.

I don't think so.
We just got a divorce.

Oh, sorry
to hear that.
That's too bad.

It happens.

Uh, well, thanks.

I bet it would
bug your wife

To see you on one
of these now.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. You end up
with a bike you wanted,

And what does she
end up with, the kids?

It would definitely
k*ll her.

Definitely.

You got him.

So, uh, what's
your name?

Uh, Art.

Hi, Art. I'm Roseanne,
and this is Jackie.

Hi, Art.

What do you do
for a living?

No, wait.
Let us guess.

Jackie, what
do you think
art does?

Oh, I couldn't...

Test pilot?
S.W.A.T. Team?

Thank you, uh,
but I'm an accountant.

No way.

Impossible.

Why don't you get up
on this bike?

Let's see what
you look like on there.

Art.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah.

You know something,
Art?

What?

Oh, never mind.

I'm married.

Let me tell you something
about this bike.

Not only does it deliver
cc of raw power,

But I mean, it's roomy.

Oh, she's right
there.

Art, she is right.

Look at that.

Plenty of room.

Come on, guys.
You'd say
just about anything,

So I'll buy
a bike.

Wait a minute, Art.

I sell three, four
of these every day.

I got no reason
to lie to you.

I'm just telling you.

This bike looks like
it was made for you.

You know what I mean?

Picture it.
You're going to work.

You pull into
that parking lot.

You're surrounded
by accountant-type cars.

And you show up riding
one of these things.

The engine's roaring,
the tires are squealing,

And your loins are vibrating
like a tuning fork.

Uh, you're very good.

Uh, listen, I'm
having a great time,

And I don't really
want you to stop,

But, uh, I...

I still don't know
if it's right for me.

Well, your choice.

So, think your wife's
dating anybody, Art?

No way Jackie gets
the commission,
I sold the bike.

You did use her
as bait.

You smelled her.
What would you
use her as?

Spread out.

Let me see it again.

This here's
my favorite check
in the whole world.

It's such a rush,
isn't it?

I remember first finding
that bike.

It was a rusted out
piece of junk.

I took it to the shop,
pounded out the dents,

I rechromed it,
I repainted it.

Boring. Get to the part
where I smoked the guy

Into buying it.

You were beautiful.

Stop it.

How's everything
going around here?

Mr. Mom decided
I get to stay home
and sit for D.J.

While she goes out
with Mark,
the cold sore king.

At least you're
working it out.

Darlene, do you know
where my car keys are?

Why, yes, my fuhrer.

Where?

In a safe place.

Oh, as safe as where
your science paper
now is?

Becky, that's
due tomorrow.

Oh.

It's not even mine.

Oh.

We have to talk.

We definitely do,
Darlene.

Upstairs.

Fine.

You'll note
they did not bring
the problem to me.

Yes. Everything's
going according
to plan.

So, dear,
would you like
a cup of coffee?

Don't mind as I do.

Hey, how's
it going, champ?

Your sisters make sure
you took a bath?

No. They didn't.
Did they?

Well, it's too late
to take one tonight,

So go ahead and go on
up to bed, honey.

Night, D.J.

Night, deej.

D.j., we say good night,
you say good night.

Are you mad
at us?

How come
you're not talking?

I haven't said
anything in two days,
and nobody's cared.

That's not possible.

Uh-huh. The last thing
I said was cheerios.

Deej, we've been
real busy.

Daddy and me
are working hard

To start
this new business.

I guess
we didn't notice.

We've been thinking
about you the whole time.

O.k.?

O.k.

Hold on, D.J.

Forget everything
I just said.

We're so sorry,
honey.

Yeah, we're
really sorry.

You go up and brush
your teeth and get in bed,

And me and daddy
will read you a story.

Any story?
Even a long one?

Even one we already read
times.

O.k.

O.k. We'll be up
in a minute.

Ouch.

I really screwed up,

But I'll be home
a lot more now.

Yeah. He can hang out
with me at the shop.

Yeah. He'll like that.

You still want
any coffee?

No. I'm too beat.

Yeah. Let's
go to bed.

Oh, my god.

I can't believe
we forgot about him again.

He better learn how
to bitch and moan
like his sisters,

Or he won't make it
in this family.

Come here.

How come you're not
at the mall?

I'm on a break.

You came all the way down here,
that's some long break.

In minutes
it will be a whole day.

I'm just not cut out
for that squirt business.

Look at
these magazines.

I just buy them
for pictures
of the naked women.

[Telephone rings]

Jacks, can you...

I can get that.

[Ring]

Lanford custom cycle.

No, she's not--

She's not in
right now, mom.

Yeah. Hi, it's me.

Oh, I'm o.k.
How are you doing?

Oh, my god.

No, I'm not seeing
anybody else yet.

Listen, hey, mom,

The other line
is ringing,

So I'm just going
to put you on hold
for one second.

O.k. Hang on.

[Music plays]

* Sha la la la la *

* La la la la la *

* La la la *

* La... **

Oh, my, oh, well...

Let's vogue.

Oh, yeah.