04x01 - The Lars Affair

[bunniefuu]

♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make it
all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
no need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

Mary, i, uh...

I can't tell you how
really rotten I feel...





That edie and I had a fight
at your nice little party.

Oh, mr. Grant, I'm
sure nobody noticed.

Nobody noticed? An angry
woman comes in and yells,

"I can take off
my own coat, lou,"

Walks into your toilet
and locks the door,

Comes out two hours later and shouts,
"thank you for a wonderful evening,"

And asks murray's
wife to drive her home.

Nobody noticed? Mr. Grant, it's
just because it happened to you.

I'm sure no one else
is even aware of it.

I mean, we always think
people are aware of things...

'Cause we're so very aware
ourselves, and they're not.

Really? Really.

Oh, boy, that's good. I was
really worried about that.

Drink, lou? Uh, no.
No, thanks, murr.





Lou? Huh?

I really admire you for
having the nerve to stay here...

After that
humiliating experience.

I think I will, murray.

You see, were I you,

And I realized I was making
a spectacle of myself,

I would dissolve into tears.

But, then, men like you
don't cry, do they, lou?

Wh-what do you do?

Make it a double, murray.

Mary? Have you
seen lars anywhere?

No, phyllis, I haven't. Oh,
would you look at that.

Somebody spilled coffee all
over my brand-new tablecloth.

Oh, don't worry, dear. That'll
come up with no trouble at all.

You simply stretch
the fabric over a bowl...

And then pour boiling water through
the stain from a height of two feet.

Well, gee, that's great.
Thank you, sue ann.

I'd better get my wrap. That nice man said
he'd be bringing the car any minute now.

Wasn't that sweet of him
to say he'd take me home?

I'm sorry we didn't get a
chance to talk more, dear.

Who's little bo-peep?
Oh, that's sue ann nivens.

She does the happy
homemaker show at our station.

You know, she gives
household hints, sewing lessons,

Recipes, cooking
lessons, things like that.

Hmm. How in the world
did I live so long...

Without having seen
the happy homemaker?

I love her dimples. I wonder
if she made 'em herself.

Excuse me.

[Murray] good night,
mar. Great party.

Thank you, murray. Good
night. Good night, mr. Grant.

Uh, sorry I ruined
your party, mary.

Oh. Don't feel bad, mar.

Even if everybody else did have
a bum time, I met a terrific chick.

She gave me her phone number.

Ted, she gave you the number to
call when you want the correct time.

I thought her voice
sounded familiar.

Good night. [Horn honks]

That must be lars.

Lars? My lars? Dr. Lindstrom?

He offered to take me
home. Wasn't that nice of him?

Mary, thank you very
much for a wonderful party.

I just feel terrible going off and leaving
you with all this cleaning up to do.

Oh, no, please
don't worry about it.

But it seems so wrong to just
run off. No, rhoda will help.

Well, all right, if you insist.

But remember, dear, do try a little
iodine for that scratch on the desk.

And baking soda will
bring that grease up out

Of the carpet like
nothing. Oh, dear! Dear!

Don't throw away
those coffee grounds.

They're the perfect plant
food for mary's geraniums.

Now, if you want to tidy up in a hurry,
think of your living room as a big clock.

Start at midnight, and then go around
the room working toward the kitchen.

You'll be done in two
shakes of a lamb's tail.

Thank you.

What time is it, mary? Phyllis, if you'll
think of the living room as a big clock,

It's now two chairs
past the couch.

I don't understand
why he isn't home yet.

It's been two and a half hours.

I'm sure there's a
very good explanation.

Maybe he was called away on an
emergency dermatology thing or something.

There are no emergency
dermatology things, mary.

I can't understand
why he hasn't called.

Lars has been trained to call.

I'm sure there's a
very good explanation.

Look, why don't I call sue ann
and see if anything has happened.

[Phone rings]

Hello? Lars! Yes, she is.

It's lars. Just a minute.

Oh, I'm sure there's a
perfectly good explanation.

Hello, lars? Yes, I'm
here waiting for you.

Oh? What?

Wa... Is anyone hurt?

Oh. Oh, thank heavens.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Oh, wasn't that
lucky! Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

See you soon. Uh-huh.

Well, what happened?

Well, it seems they were
driving down washburn...

When this dog jumped
in front of the car.

And lars swerved and hit a tree.
Nobody was hurt, thank goodness.

But the right fender was badly damaged,
so they've stopped to have it repaired.

Isn't it lucky they were right
near an all-night body shop?

And he's waiting
till it's ready.

So, you see, there was a very
good explanation after all.

Are you sure it was him?

Yes, there they were...

Lars and sue ann having
lunch in a back booth.

I wouldn't have believed it.

Maybe I'm wrong.

I mean, maybe it was just
a lunch and nothing more.

No, no, I don't think so, mar.
I watched her show today.

She spent 10 minutes on
how to remove lipstick stains.

Anyway, sue ann just doesn't
seem the type, you know.

She seems more like the kind of
woman you leave for someone else.

Right. Now, phyllis...
There is the other woman.

Hmm. Do you think she suspects?

No, I don't think so. She
would've said something.

Mary, sometimes I
think phyllis is so naive.

So, you gonna tell her?

No, I can't. I mean, I
just can't. Would you?

No. I always try to stay all the
way out of that kind of scene.

Ever since cynthia zimmer. You
know, my roommate in new york.

Not the 68th street
roommate. The 83rd street.

Oh, yeah. She was the champ.

Fourteen married
guys in one year.

You should have seen
christmas at our apartment.

You never saw more
gifts and less people.

Mary... Oh, hello, rhoda.

Hi. Hi, phyllis.

Mary, do you know last
night when lars called...

And told me he was delayed because he
took the car to an all-night body shop?

- Yeah.
- Mary, I simply
don't believe it.

I simply don't believe what
an incredible job they did.

Do you know that this morning I
walked around that car five times,

And the paint matches so perfectly, I
couldn't tell there had been an accident.

That's terrific.

- Mary, have you had dinner yet?
- Yeah, I just finished.

Oh, too bad.

Lars called from the office and
said he'd be working late tonight.

I said, "lars, are you really
working late again tonight?"

And he confessed...

That he was not
working late tonight.

He was playing
poker with the boys.

Isn't that cute?

Don't you think that's cute?

I do. I think it's cute.

I mean that he'd fib about
playing poker with the boys...

Instead of just telling me.

It is sort of cute, isn't it?

Girls, isn't is sort of cute?

Yeah, it's cute.

Mary, have you
heard from defalco yet?

No, mr. Grant. I'll let you
know as soon as he calls.

Is the station manager giving you
a hard time about defalco again, lou?

Yeah. And it seemed
like such a terrific idea.

Remember, mary? I said,

"Have a cameraman ride
around in the back of

A patrol car to film
an on-the-spot arrest."

- And you said the idea was...
- Wonderful.

I wouldn't be in this mess
now if you had said "rotten."

You know that? No, you
had to say "wonderful."

Say, mar, you'll never guess
what I saw going on down the hall.

Come on. You wanna guess?
Uh, no, ted, not right now.

Oh, come on. It'll be fun.
I'll give you 20 questions.

Ted, I'm really kind of busy.

How about you, murray?
Two can play this game.

Hey, I'll be that's where
the expression came from.

Not now, ted. All
right, I'll give you a hint.

It's, uh, animal, and it concerns
sue ann nivens, the happy homemaker.

Uh, ted, what did you
say about sue ann nivens?

I said it's animal, and it concerns
sue ann nivens, the happy homemaker.

You got 19 questions left. Ted,
what did you say about sue ann nivens?

Well, [clears throat]

I saw the guy that sue ann nivens
has been playing around with.

Saw him coming out
of the dressing room.

Funny thing is I know him from
somewhere, but I can't remember where.

Say, murr, maybe you can remember.
He's a tall, blond-haired fellow...

Ted, are you sure that
they're... Playing around?

Of course. It's all
over the building.

But you know what really
tees me off... Sue ann nivens.

Right under my very
nose all this time,

Hot to trot, and I don't
do anything about it.

Oh.

If I can only remember
who that guy was.

It's impossible. A patrol car that
hasn't made an arrest in three weeks.

Hey, lou, if you want
some real action,

Send him over to the happy
homemaker's dressing room.

Gee, if I could only
remember who that guy was.

How could it not work? I know it's
gonna work. Mary, tell me it's gonna work.

It is gonna work, mr. Grant.
It's a wonderful idea.

See, you did it again, mary.

I gave you another
chance to say "rotten,"

But you said "wonderful."

You're in this up to here.

Hi, hi. Ready for lunch, mary?

Hi, phyllis. Oh, hi, phyllis.

As a matter of fact, I saw him
just this last week. Yes, I am.

I'm ready for lunch.
All set. Bye, ted.

Uh, see you guys
in an hour. Bye. Bye.

Come on, phyllis.
Of course! Lars!

Lars? What about lars?

Oh, I've been sitting here
trying to think of who it is...

That's been playing around with sue
ann nivens, and it finally came to me!

And it is
definitely... Not lars.

No. He was short, he was fat,

And he had red hair, and
he had this funny walk.

It was not lars.

- [Knocking]
- hi, kid.

- Hi.
- What are you doing?

Well, it's this geranium. Remember how
sue ann told me to feed it coffee grounds?

- Yeah.
- It looks sick.

Well, what'd you expect?
Probably hasn't slept in weeks.

Mary? Oh, I want
you to taste this.

Oh? What is it? It's an
apple pie. I baked it myself.

Phyllis, you baked an apple pie?

Well, I made it for lars's dinner
tonight. It's sort of a surprise.

I've never made a pie before, but
it certainly seemed easy enough.

Here, mary. Taste it.

- Well?
- Mmm. Mmm, mmm.

- You're not just saying that?
- Mm-mm.

Mmm, mmm! Rhoda, you'll give
me an honest opinion, won't you?

Uh, not necessarily,
phyl. Well, we'll see.

I'll taste it. Give
it a try here.

I love this pie.

So it's come down to this.

I've become such an object of
pity that even rhoda is being kind.

No, phyllis...

Mary, do you know how
hard it is to make an apple pie?

My beautiful hands,

Hands that once touched
the notes of chopin.

This is what that woman has
driven me to to save my marriage!

Cooking a damn pie!

What am I gonna do, mary?

Well, phyllis, does lars
know that you know?

Oh, no. Thank heavens I've been
able to hide my feelings from him.

Of course, there have
been a few close calls.

Last night during hawaii five-o,

I began to weep uncontrollably.

But I covered by
telling lars I was moved...

By the grandeur of diamond head.

Phyllis. Listen,
phyllis, please.

Whatever you do, don't
do anything drastic.

Wait this out, and the
whole thing'll just blow over.

I'll wait it out.

Sooner or later, lars is
going to get tired of her,

And he'll come back to me,

And then I'm going
to... Punish him for this.

Oh, phyllis. Phyllis,
you don't mean that.

If only he didn't
flaunt it in my face.

Do you know, mary, since he's been
seeing her, he's gained nine pounds.

Do you know that his clothes are
cleaner when he comes home at night...

Than they are when he
leaves in the morning.

I-i-i must be honest, however.

Lars is not entirely to blame.

I... I, too, am...

Somewhat responsible
for what's happened.

You see, mary... And rhoda...

Some men are just
threatened by a real woman.

I'm afraid I've just been
too much of a real woman.

Uh, phyllis, how? How are
you too much of a real woman?

How? I don't like
to brag, rhoda,

But lars and I had an
incredible love life.

Would you like to
know how incredible?

Oh, gosh, phyl, I don't know...

I'm going to tell you how incredible
it was. It'll serve any purpose.

I think lars summed it up best when
he turned to me one night and said,

"Phyllis, jag har slutat."

Apparently, that's all over now.

Phyllis, it's not all over.

You know, just the other day...

I was reading this wonderful
book called the life of the bee.

Maybe you've read it.

Did you know the male bee is
nothing but the sl*ve of the queen?

And once the male bee...
Uh, how should I say...

Um, has serviced the
queen, the male dies.

All in all, not a bad system.

I'm almost afraid to ask. How
was the latest defalco film?

Well, I'll give you a hint.

The highlight was when the
two policemen he was riding with...

Stopped, got out and
helped a wino on with his shoe.

Mary?

Uh, try to reach defalco for me,

And, uh, tell him the
assignment is over.

He's in a patrol car, mr. Grant.
I'm not sure I can locate him.

Just find the neighborhood
with the lowest crime rate.

Mary. Phyllis!

I've come to enlist your help.

Well, uh, phyl, it-it's kind
of bad around here today.

Mary, I've decided I'm not going
to give lars up without a fight,

And I think you should
be there with me...

When I confront miss happy
homemaker face-to-face.

Oh, phyl, I wish I could. It's
just that I'm so very busy here.

Mary, the news comes and goes.
This is my life we're talking about.

I know, phyl. I just don't think that I
should be there when you talk to sue ann.

Mary, you have to be
there. One, you're my friend.

Two, you will be neutral.

Three, if you're not there,
I will rip her face off.

- I'll go with you.
- Thank you.

Hi, mary! Hi, ted.

[Low voice] hello, phyllis.

And now, billy, as I add the
two tablespoons of butter,

I would love it if you would
dolly in for a nice close shot.

[Billy] right. Thank you.

And after I add the
chocolate to the hot milk,

I would love an
over-the-head shot...

Looking down into the bowl
just as I beat in the four egg yolks.

Sorry, sue ann. We only have
two cameras for this spot.

Oh? Where is the third camera?

We need it for the
needlepoint demo that follows.

Oh, I'm sorry, billy,

But I cannot do a chocolate
soufflé with only two cameras.

Why don't you arrange
to set up the other camera,

And we'll just... Hold the
rehearsal until you're ready.

Whatever you say, sue
ann. Ten minutes, everybody.

Hi, sue ann. Oh, mary,
how nice to see you.

Don't you look pretty. Oh, thank
you. You remember phyllis lindstrom.

Oh, yes, from your party.
Nice to see you again.

I'll come right to the point.
I'm here to talk about you,

And mary's here to see to it
that I don't rip your face off.

Phyllis! [Lou] mary!

Mary! Ten minutes ago, an armored
truck was held up for $200,000!

You wanna get a film crew
out there? We don't have to.

Defalco! Oh, mr. Grant! Defalco!

I said it would
work, and it worked!

Oh, mr. Grant.
What's the matter?

I have a chocolate
soufflé in the oven.

One slight tremor,
and it's ruined.

Okay.

Uh, defalco's on his way in right
now with the film. Come on.

We've got a lot of work to do if we
want to be ready for tonight's show.

Mary! Coming.

Mary... Phyllis, I'll be
back just as soon as I can.

I promise. Why don't we
go into my living room?

I'm sure we'll be much
more comfy in here.

Now, what is it you
wanted to talk to me about?

- I'm here to talk
about you and lars.
- Oh.

Shall I tell you the sort of
relationship lars and I have?

Does this work? Oh, please.

I shall be very happy
to tell you exactly,

After 17 years of marriage,

The sort of relationship
that lars and I have.

Uh, is dr. Lindstrom in?

Mrs. Lindstrom.
I see. Thank you.

He is with a patient. He will
call me back first chance he gets.

So now you see that is the sort
of relationship lars and I have.

I'll be right back...

After this brief look
at my chocolate soufflé.

I think what we have to talk about is more
important than your chocolate soufflé.

I'm sorry, but this is
a very critical time.

Well, I'm sorry. This is a
very critical time for me too!

Oh, my poor baby!

Well, there was no
need for v*olence.

But why? Sitting and
talking is one thing,

But why you should
deliberately destroy...

An innocent soufflé that
never did you any harm...

Not one moment of
harm... That's beyond me.

I think you've gone too far.

You're bananas. You know that?

I'm going to try to forgive
you for the soufflé.

I realize how difficult
it must be for you...

Losing a wonderful
man like lars.

Did you know that lars
has a neurotic fear...

Of swallowing hair?

Did you know that
lars gets carsick...

If he drives over
30 miles an hour?

It's true.

We've missed the first
act of man of la mancha,

West side story and
the sound of music.

Oh, not the sound of music.

That is lars, and that
is the man you want.

I'm sorry, but nothing you've said could
ever make me change my mind about lars.

[Billy] we're ready for
rehearsal, sue ann.

Excuse me. I have a show to do.

Phyllis... Mary, she
won't let him go.

Mary, please, talk to her.

How lovely, billy. I see
you found the third camera.

Okay, hold it. Uh,
sue ann, listen to me...

Because I've got to be in the
screening room in 45 seconds.

Ted already knows about
this thing with you and lars.

You know what a
big mouth ted has.

And what ted doesn't
tell, I will tell,

And pretty soon it's gonna
be all over the station,

And they're not gonna think that that's
a terrific image for the happy homemaker.

So, you see, it comes down to a
choice: either lars or your show.

I've gotta go. I
will see you later.

Well, since you put
it that way, mary, i...

I don't seem to have any choice.

I'm not doing it for
myself, you understand,

But for those ladies
out there who need me.

By the way, sue ann,

Do you know how to
remove chocolate stains?

Yes, I do. Oh, good.

Mary? Hi.

I'm cooking dinner. Can
I borrow some spices?

Yeah, sure. What
do you need? Salt.

And pepper.

Say, uh, phyl, how are things
going with you and lars?

Just terrific. Couldn't
be better. Good.

[Phone rings] oh,
that'll be for me.

Hi... Hi, lars.

You're at the office, and
you'll be home in 15 minutes.

Bye-bye. Isn't that cute?

I don't know where he got the idea that he
has to check in with me every 15 minutes.

Can I use your phone,
mary? Yeah, sure.

Well, we talked it all
out, and we both agreed...

A marriage without
trust is no marriage at all.

Uh, is dr. Lindstrom there?

He is? Good. Thank you.

Bye.

[Mews]